Lenten Lesson: Balance and Moderation

Remember how frazzled I was the day before Lent began because I had poor time management and was "too busy" with life? Yes, I'm going to talk some more about being busy. No, this isn't another "being busy is bad" post. I do, however, still think that we've made an idol out of being busy and that sometimes we just don't know when to let some things go and take care of ourselves.

This is the first in my planned series of my Lenten lessons blog posts. I'm not sure how many I'll do (at least four total; this post and three others that I have in my drafts) but this is one of the biggest lessons I learned this Lent: balance and moderation.

Where to start? Hmm... Oh! Anyone remember how I had every intention to only read Catholic books this Lent? Yep, it didn't happen. I had (and still have) too many books on my LAPL holds list; being "in line" to borrow a book for weeks or even months at a time. Because I didn't want to wait for them again, I decided to read them. I'm glad I ended up letting go of this particular Lenten intention because, thanks to a couple of those non-Catholic books, I realized that a balance was needed between being busy for the sake of being busy and being beings with a (good) purpose. Not only that, I finally figured out the balance that works out best for me between being too plugged in and not being plugged in at all.

When I started my recovery break (from school) in mid-December of last year, I wanted to do nothing after being ridiculously busy for (what seems like) ages. I wanted a vacation from having long to-do lists. I know I tend to take on too much and spread myself too thin. This leads to me getting completely burnt out after a while. It's a horrible, vicious cycle I've had for at least 10 years now. Seriously, I can pinpoint it to 2006, which (interestingly enough) was also the year I reverted to the faith. For years, I've wanted to do it all... and in as little time as possible so I could move onto the next thing on an impossible "goals" list. Then the accident happen and my health declined even more than it had in the past. Looking back, I'm grateful that I was basically forced to slow because I was close to burning myself out again. However this "want to do nothing" ideal didn't exactly work as I planned. I became busy with a redundant cycle that was a waste of time thanks to having too much free time. Oops.

How did my average day look like?
- Turn off iPod touch alarm.
- Check email.
- Check Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, and check email again.
- Get up and make breakfast.
- Check social media again.
- Pray.
- Check social media again. Lose myself for hours on this.
- Lunch with mom; distracted by checking social media at the table.
- Netflix and more social media.
- Evening/nighttime prayers.
- More Netflix and social media.
- Sleep.

Repeat. Every. Single. Day. Sundays would include Mass and the odd day would include grocery shopping or errands but that was what my day usually looked like. Completely unproductive but still busy because (as y'all know) you get sucked down a rabbit hole and it's hard to get out of it. One YouTube video leads to another. One link leads to 10 more. A conversation turns into something more. Basically, I was still busy but instead of being busy with something like schoolwork or something productive, I was "busy" with stuff that was fleeting and, really, a waste of time. I've already written about unplugging here and here so I won't repeat myself.

"Well, what am I going to do now?" I asked myself. "I think this is how I've always been." And, yes, looking back at my life, I've always done something. I'm rarely ever inactive, even if that busyness is all mental. In fact, in the 6th grade I was given the "Busy Bee" award from my teachers. The certificate said "Always reading, always doing something." It took some soul searching (and a couple of solid books that got me thinking about making changes) but in the end I've come to understand that not all "busyness" is bad. In fact, I found myself more busy after I unplugged but it became busyness with a purpose.

I agree with this Verily article in which the author talks about how being busy with things that fulfill your life doesn't stress you out. Though I'm busier now than when I was in the endless virtual cycle of nothingness, I find myself a lot more calm and happier. My prayers have not only increased but the quality of them has gotten better. Sure, I still space out and my mind wanders but I'm still at a better place than before. I also found myself being less selfish and being more charitable with my time, actions, and words. What I busied myself with was done for a greater good, not just because I was bored and did whatever appealed to me to entertain myself.

I'm glad that I was also "forced" to slow down with my grad school load as well. As I had previously mentioned, a few weeks ago it was decided that bring my course load to half-time instead of full time was necessary. Instead of graduating next year, I'll be graduating in 2018. The rush I felt about finishing and starting work isn't there any longer but a) I know that that will be the speed that will work best for me so I don't feel overwhelmed and b) because I realize (and, finally, know it in my heart as well) that letting go of my own timeline and letting God slowly reveal His plans for me in His own time has been working well for during this season. With Spring quarter about to begin on April 4th, I'm feeling excited but not stressed out like I had been before.

As for being plugged in, I didn't want to go from one extreme (being too plugged in) to the other (not being plugged in at all). I think that's why I'm still doing what I wrote about a couple of posts ago; it gives me a nice balance. I can make time for friends who find it easier to communicate online while still having my time away from the all the craziness and drama (llama dama-da-ding-ding-ding-dong...) Towards the end of Lent I've gone one more -- I log out completely from FB because I don't want to see the notifications first thing in the morning when I wake up and turn off the alarm (since I currently use my iPod touch for it; I'll get a physical alarm clock when I have a little wiggle room for a good one). My relationship with my mother has gotten better and I find myself in a healthier place (mentally, spiritually, emotionally) being unplugged. We'll see how the balance continues after I start the Spring quarter since my entire degree will be online. Still, I have faith in myself (or, at the very least, faith that God will help me during moments of weakness) and am optimistic that it'll all work out.

Oh! One more thing: if you didn't know (and I don't think I mentioned it on the blog): I've gained like 7 lbs since the start of Lent. Seriously! I think I may be out of the underweight category (I won't know until I get weighed again and I'm guessing that may not happen until the following week) but, well, I was eating too much. Like, TOO much. 'Sup, gluttony? Yeah, I didn't think I would ever have an issue overeating (though I've been known to eat pretty well despite being naturally athletic/thin; super fast metabolism, I guess) but it happened during Lent and it was corrected during Lent thanks to some priestly advice. Balance. Moderation. Repeat.

So, there you have it. Some of the things I had to find a balance for during the Lenten season. There's more but it'll come in future blog posts. ;)

Anyway, I really don't want to be online too much today (I feel so great when I can ignore laptop AND cell phone) so that's it for today. I probably won't post again until after Easter Sunday so I hope y'all have a fruitful Easter Triduum.

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Unplugging and Quieting the World, Part Two

Hello and welcome back to the show. I'm your host. :-P If you haven't read part one, you can check it out here. :)

Now, where was I...? Oh yes, unplugging from technology. First, I want to say that there's nothing wrong with being plugged in. Technology is great and can do a lot of good. However, some of us (yes, myself included) sometimes use it because we're bored or because we've become addicted. It's our go-to when we find ourselves not wanting silence. Let's face it, many of us just don't like silence and it's quite easy to get online and/or get distracted. 

I've personally experienced all I've written. I get bored easily if I have nothing stimulating my mind but the internet doesn't always provide stimulating content that will allow me to grow very much. It's more mind-numbing distractions than anything else. Sometimes we need a break from the chaos and the distractions online are great for that... but I think most of us tend to use it a bit too much. 

Do you older Millennials (and those over 35) remember what we used to do as kids when we got bored? I mean, besides watch TV? We used to draw, paint, write, play sports, go outside, etc. We had hobbies. We had more fulfilling friendships. Our creativity helped entertain us. I'm not saying that we should completely reject technology in favor of more simple things but why not try to find a balance so our life isn't just online?

Social media is wonderful to stay informed and keep in touch with others but it gives us a false sense of being connected to others. I could scroll down a friend's Facebook profile or Twitter feed and think I know what's going on with them but very few of us show every side of ourselves online. I know I'm personally guilty of trying to show only the positive side out of fear of what others may think of me. In a way, it's like, as one of my favorite vloggers recently said, we're performing. 

I'll be honest with y'all: I don't like who I am or how I feel when I'm online too much. Every time I take breaks from social media and/or from turning on my laptop and/or iPod touch, I feel a lot better. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders and I can be who I am. Why? Because I feel constrained online. There's too much noise. There's too much negativity. It drains me spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and eventually physically. 

Sometimes I just want to share something that makes me feel good... and then it's met with negative comments or snide remarks. I know I'm sensitive and I'm trying to let everything roll off of me but sometimes it's just too much. When that happens, I get defensive when other comments are made, whether they are good or not, because I automatically feel as if I'm being attacked. I don't like that I get defensive online and that it remains with me offline for a while. I don't like the uncharitable comments it produces, on- and offline. Basically, I don't like how what happens online influences me offline. 

I remember life right before technology took over. It was right before I got my very first computer as a freshman in high school. I was one of the last in my class to get a computer (I had used a typewriter to do my homework up until then). With the introduction of email (one of the first emails I got was a former classmate telling me to kill myself) and then AIM (AOL instant messenger), the problems started. The anxiety -- which began my freshman year of high school -- got worse.

There's a lot of negativity online and I don't want to be a part of it. That's why staying offline as much as possible has appealed to me. God has opened my eyes and shown me that I've thrived better offline but that, in moderation, I can use social media and what is offered online to enrich my life. 

Without social media, I would've never met some of my best friends offline. Without social media and the internet, I don't think I would've gotten the courage to leave the terrible path I was on before my reversion. Without online resources, I wouldn't be learning as much as I can about Catholicism... nor would I be doing my Master's degree at an orthodox Catholic University. Without social media and websites, I wouldn't hear about the good, lovely stories that exist which I don't hear much of since the news tends to favor biased, disastrous, and fear-inducing stories.

So what does this all mean for me? It means keeping Twitter as is post-Lent with the occasional logging in to check DMs and share the odd link or random but positive tweet. I like how I have Facebook set up at the moment so I'm going to keep it as it -- choosing to check it only a couple of times per week. The blog stays as is, though I hope to write more often now that I am getting the time to do so. Everything I wrote yesterday -- the new rules for screen time -- will become the new norm. When I get bored, I'm going to try reading a book or doing something with limited technology. I don't expect it to be easy but nothing that is worthwhile is easy.  I've heard that it takes about 8 weeks for something to become a habit so I'll remind myself when I slip and/or feel discouraged.

One more thing before I end this post: does anyone remember how, a few months ago, I said that I had an issue with silence? How I hated silence and how I felt like I needed Gregorian chant to pray at times because of how much I couldn't stand the silence? I'm happy to report that this is no longer an issue. Since I've given up music on Tuesdays and Fridays during Lent (which I may keep after Lent), I've learned to be okay without music and/or noise in general. Listening to the birds singing, to the clock ticking, to the outside noise while everything is still indoors has been absolutely lovely. 

Side note: admitted, I failed the "no music" thing yesterday (Friday) when Mom started watching The Quebe Sisters and then Andrea Bocelli on PBS stations last night. I could've gotten up and walked out of the room but I didn't because I wanted to listen to the music and I made weakling excuses to stay. lol. But, in a way, it helped me remember that I'm doing this because I want to have more time in prayer and because I want to be more mindful about what I listen to. I still got my prayer time and the music I was listening to wasn't objectionable in content (at least, not that I was aware of) so it was failure with a valuable lesson. :)

Anyway, what I've just written is what works for me and this is not me shaming any of you for anything. If you disagree, that's okay.  If more time online works for you, keep at it but please be careful about what is shared. If something I've written makes you realize you need to make some changes, credit God for the transformation in me that has allowed me to help you since none of this could've been possible without His guidance. 

That's all from me for today. It's still early in the day so I want to get Casa Emmy cleaned, dishes washed, and my conscience examined before Mom gets off from work. I'm actually looking forward to all of this because I quite enjoy housekeeping. A lot. Anti-tradition feminists would hate me. lol. 

I hope y'all have a lovely rest of weekend! :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Unplugging and Quieting the World, Part One

If you just heard a little happy "woop!" that was me for I have the next 24 hours in the house, without having to go/drive somewhere. Hooray! Yes, I know I was desperate to get my car back but I've spent the last week catching up on all the errands that we couldn't get to without the car. As someone who gets very tired with too much continuous stimulation, I'm exhausted but very happy that everything has been taken care of and I now have time to unwind and blog. :)

As most of you who follow me on Twitter and regularly read the blog know I decided to limit my time on social media for Lent. Even though Lent is not over just yet, I've already seen the fruits of this decision and it's prompted me to want to continue it beyond the Lenten season.

I am officially off Twitter until Easter Sunday. I take Tuesdays and Fridays off of my private Facebook account as well as I'm offering it up for a personal reason. I make sure I logout of the website and apps the night before in case I click the app (out of habit) which I do at least 2-3 times a day. The less time I spend on social media, the less I see the need to be on it all day every day. I'm sure it's the combinations of the loss of FOMO (fear of missing out) and, most importantly, God changing what matters most to me and what's in my heart.

I used to use the excuse that all my friends moved away and that I needed to be on social media so I wouldn't miss out on their lives. Over the Lenten season my perspective on that has changed a bit. I've decided to make more of an effort to stay in touch with those whose friendship I value most. Some of those people will be getting updated snail mail letters from me (even if they haven't replied to my last letter), others will be getting emails and/or phone calls, and those closest (in distance) will be getting lunch invites. There's a reason why I've chosen to do this: I've become aware of how much relationships (whether they be familiar, platonic, or romantic) greatly suffer from us being so plugged into everything.

I've only read about 20% of Reclaiming Conversations: The Power of Talk by Sherry Turkle (it was on loan from the library; I'm on the waiting list to renew and finish it) but I've agreed with the author; we don't know how to communicate with others without the use of technology. Our times with our families isn't really quality time because there's always a screen or two (or more) present. Relationships suffer due to it. When I noticed that, indeed, I was too plugged in and that I value those in my life, I decided to make some "radical" changes.

I downgraded my internet speed to a one that would still be good for streaming on Roku and for my classes (lecture videos). Since I'm the only person who uses the internet in this household, we don't need all those high-speed options that the cable company offers. When the TV is on (whether it be a movie or Roku), the laptop, cell phone, and iPod are to be ignored. When one of the other screens is on, the others are off.

I also have a new screen-free rule when I'm with others. No screens unless I get a message, a phone call, or need to look up something while we're out... and if I'm in the middle of something and I'm not expecting a message or call, it gets ignored until I'm done talking to the other person. When eating, there's no screens at the table and no calls or texts get answered until we're done eating. 

I found out when the peak hours for the LADWP (Los Angeles Department of Water and Power) are so I purposely don't charge any electronics (nor do I use much electricity) during those hours. It's not just to save money (and we've already seen that it's worked in a couple of weeks), but it also keeps me from being tempted to stay plugged in. If the laptop, iPod, and/or phone get drained, they'll stay that way until peak hours are over. Then things get charged. That's also why I bit the bullet and purchased a Kindle; because they don't get drained as easily as the Kindle app on my iPod touch. 

I've only done this for a couple of weeks but I've already noticed a huge difference. As mentioned, it's been kinder on our wallet. Not only that, my relationships offline are getting stronger and communication is flowing better. I've noticed an internal change as well but I'll wait to see what the rest of the Lenten season brings before I share those changes with everyone. ;)

Oh, did I mention that I've also decided to keep my phone silent unless I'm awaiting for a phone call? Yes, I've also done that. Quieting the world has done me a world of good. Not being plugged in, even when I'm out and feeling bored or in constant need (false need, by the way) of being entertained, has been great. I've enjoyed noticing things I haven't before. I've enjoyed having more time to pray and to build on my relationship with the Lord. 

There is more I want to write but I'll wait for part two because this post is already quite long for short attention spans and, let's be honest, the more plugged in we are, the worse our attention spans are. Yes, mine included. Yes, this is also a hint at what I'll write about in part two. :) I may write it later today and schedule it for tomorrow or Sunday. We shall see. :D

Anyway, I'm off to have a late lunch with Mom since she's back home from work. I hope y'all are having a lovely day and have had a great week thus far. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D