Childlike Wonder in Grad School

Today is my first day back to grad school (hoorah!) but my class doesn't technically begin until tomorrow so I have time for a quick blog post. ;)

Did y'all have book mobiles growing up? I did. I loved the day the book mobile came to my (public) elementary school. While we had a school library, there was something special about the book mobile. I used to get a thrill out of waiting in line and then trying to come up with at least one book to check-out in the 5-10 minute time limit we got. It was an exciting challenge that led to an even more exciting adventure.

How about catalog cards? Does anyone remember those? I loved having to go to the physical library catalog, look up the author by surname on those little cards, then look for the number where the book was located, and finally try to find the book. It was another fun adventure; a scavenger hunt for great treasure.

This quarter I'm taking a class called Historical Books of the Old Testament. It's about, you guessed it, historical books in the Old Testament. From Joshua to Maccabees, I'm going to be studying them for the next 10 weeks. Of course, there is no obvious connection between the two examples I gave and the course. I mean, besides being about books. However, there is one for me: having this course after a 3.5 month break and having the fruitful Lenten season I had has reminded me of little elementary school Emmy and how I miss a side of myself that I haven't seen in nearly two decades.

What was I like as a child? I loved the faith. I wanted to be a nun when I grew up and I would say that to people. I loved attending Mass; I was mesmerized by it, especially the Consecration. Remember, this is me at like 6-8 years old and I was poorly catechized so I didn't know the real significance of what was happening. I just remember not wanting to miss a single thing the priest did during that part of the Mass. I also loved school. I mean, I loved school. I would cry if my parents made me miss a class (and I only did when I was too sick to attend; yes, I would try to go to school even when I was sick). I loved reading, history, science... I just loved academia.

Sadly, I lost a big part of that love (for both the church and school) when I got older. My parents were Catholics by name only and after my First Communion was done, we basically stopped attending Mass. I was teased for being a "geek" at school. I can pinpoint it to junior high -- 7th grade in particular -- when I started to slack off in my studies. It created horrible habits, including one that I still struggle with: procrastination. A few days ago I remembered how much I loved studying but how I tend to procrastinate because I find other things to do. Okay, fine, I get lost in the world of social media and movies, etc. Procrastination + distractions = rushing to get my coursework done. Yes, I can pull a Rory Gilmore and study like a madwoman but it's usually last minute. Read: stress levels through the roof most of the time.

Since I have done some great progress in my recovery (no longer underweight, eating, and sleeping better), I decided to do channel little Emmy and get back into that academic groove I used to be known for. It doesn't hurt that I'm combining two things I loved as a child: the faith and academia. Hooray for Biblical Theology graduate studies! lol. I know it won't be easy or even the same since I'm now older and (obviously) using different tools (i.e. internet, computers) that I didn't have back then but I think this will help me this quarter.

I've been doing the Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati novena (his birthday is coming up on Wednesday) and I've been asking him to intercede for me in regards to distractions (which result in procrastination) and lack of concentration. My concentration is shot even when I'm doing something simple; that bad. I think I have the tools necessary to curve the social media distractions (hello, Lenten practice!) and I think I've figured out times when I'd be able to get the most out of my studies (read: quiet times in an apartment building) but I still need that extra help so Bl. Pier Giorgio is getting bugged now and the Holy Spirit will get bugged afterward. lol.

I wonder if my plan to have a childlike wonder in grad school will help. When I was younger, I'd ask questions about something I didn't understand or wanted to know more about because I was curious. I stopped because of the teasing and because I didn't want people to think I was dumb. Nowadays, I don't really care too much about looking dumb so I ask. I'm going to try it again. I hope that between this state of mind, the toolbox for studying I've created (classical music and/or Gregorian chants, Pomodoro technique app, specific schedule, etc), and reminding myself of what my goal is (graduating in two years with knowledge to help others learn more about the Church) I will do well. Maybe I'll even treat myself to trips to the library every now and then to check-out physical books as rewards for a good exam or a good week. Yes, I'm enough of a "geek" to really see that as a gift to myself. ;)

Anyway, I don't know why I wanted to share this... I just did. ;) Maybe it's the excitement of starting classes again. Perhaps it's a way to remind myself and keep myself accountable. Both? We shall see. :D

Alright, I'm trying to get to bed as early as 10 p.m. (seriously) so I can get enough sleep and then get up early to study for the first class begins. Technically we online students aren't getting the lecture video until Wednesday, I believe, but I want to get as much done (read: get ahead a little if I'm able to) as I can. I want to savor everything and since it is just one course this quarter, I think I may have the luxury to do just that. I don't want to be rushing through the reading last minute like I have been doing for years. Yes, years. Don't try this (procrastinating) at home... not even you professionals. ;)

I hope those of you who are also starting their quarters have a great quarter. For those of you about to do your finals, good luck! I'll be praying for all you students. :)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless. :D

Grad School Blues

Grad school and I have had a bumpy start for several reasons. First, I was hit with incredibly debilitating physical fatigue. Seriously, I sleep until 11 a.m. to noon most days because I'm so exhausted. I have no idea where this is coming from. I'm not pale enough to think it's anemia once again and I'm not bruising anywhere so I doubt it's low platelets again. We have a theory that it's because I've been cooped up in the house for so long. Well, that's mom's theory. I just think my body is out of whack due to the stress I've been experiencing lately. No, not school stress; just other personal stresses that have come up lately. Either way, I lose prime studying/reading time because it's so hard for me to wake up some mornings.

Then another bump in the road and it was something I couldn't control. I was on top of the readings and everything... and then the lecture videos had glitches for almost an entire week. That pushed things back and disrupted the awesome study flow I had going on. This is not good for me since I do best when I stick to my schedule. Not only that, no one warned me that grad school is a lot less structured than undergrad or, really, most of my academic experience. No deadlines on exams? Only deadlines on research papers? Whaaaat?! Does not compute!

I like having a bit of structure, especially when it comes to academia. I like deadlines because I can easily get distracted and procrastinate. I do my best work under deadlines... well, as long as there's a little wiggle room for anything that may come up. I think I just like having those goals. There's something very satisfying about crossing things off of a to-do list... and I can't really do that right now. I mean, I can -- I can give myself deadlines -- but it's not the same because I can find excuses to put it off "just one more day," you know? Sometimes it's not hard for me to work under self-imposed deadlines... but with everything else going on, it's hard.

I've been going through some majorly confusing things in my personal life. My mom's going through something that we never anticipated we'd have to deal with and it's been hard for me to see it unfold. I feel almost helpless in this particular situation and it's dampened my spirits quite a bit. It's made me feel very angry. I'm sure those closest to me are surprised at how upset I've been (even when I haven't shown it)... and how long it's lasted since I usually get over things pretty quickly. I have a sneaking suspicion that this is what's been taking a toll on me, physically.

On top of that, I had something else that came up which threw me for a loop. It was quite unexpected and it took me days to sort through. The good news is that this particular thing is actually pretty exciting (in a way) but it was still incredibly distracting nonetheless. I had to make some big decisions that took me out of my comfort zone. I actually tried to put it off for a couple of days but it just distracted me from concentrating on school work. After a solid heart-to-heart talk with mom about my fears and worries, I'm at peace with my decision. I know I'm still going to bring up at my next spiritual direction meeting because it's one of those decisions that is going to change a lot of things for me. That's basically all I can say about this... for now, at least. Prayers for this (as well as for mom's situation) would be greatly appreciated.

As you can see... lots going on. I've been trying to do little things for myself -- like working on an autumn-themed jigsaw puzzle and re-reading Anne of Green Gables before bedtime -- but I'm still exhausted and I can't concentrate most days. I feel so horrible for not being as "on top" of things regarding school as I was the first week but there's been so much going on. It's a miracle that I'm still functioning like a human being. A very tired, sleepy one but one that hasn't had a panic attack, thank goodness. Not the best way to start grad school but if I can survive this, the rest of my time at JP Catholic will be great. :)

I'm just rambling on at this point. I'm going to help myself to some freshly baked French bread and a cup of tea before I dive back into making sure I'm on top of my coursework.

I hope everyone is doing well and that y'all have a great weekend. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Week of Craziness

I'm currently sick and trying to read and concentrate on my coursework is futile right now so y'all are getting a new blog post. :)

For those wondering how grad school orientation at JP Catholic went: it was an adventure. See, the day before the trip I decided to try the Trader Joe's chicken taquitos. I usually don't try anything new the day before a trip or an exam because of how sensitive my stomach is but I was hungry and it was the only thing that we had to eat. Big mistake! I woke up the morning of orientation at 3:30 a.m. with the worst stomachache. I thought about calling my friend Joe (who had offered to drive me down to Escondido) and tell him that the trip was off but I really wanted to go and thought my stomach ache wouldn't last too long so I said nothing. Was I able to function on 3.5 hours of sleep? Surprisingly, yes... and without aids of caffeine or anything. Whoo! All 6 hours on the road (3 hours down to the San Diego area and another 3 coming back home to L.A.) were terrible only because of the pain. My stomach had never hurt that much nor that long before. I actually had to leave orientation early because I started feeling a bit faint and just not comfortable sitting without curling up a little (that helped my stomach in the car). However, according to the itinerary, the only thing I missed was the welcome speech at the end so that was okay. I just wanted to get home. That stomachache lasted about 12 hours. Never again will I eat those taquitos. So not worth it.

Of course, the entire trip wasn't a bust. I got to meet some of my classmates, who were all great. So many friendly people. I stepped a little outside my introverted comfort zone and introduced myself without prompting from some of them. Yes, it was a big step for me since I'm usually really shy and reserved at first. I mean, I said hello, introduced myself, and then asked a question (usually if they were also in the MA program since the orientation was for both MAs and MBAs) to break the ice. Raise your hand if you're proud of me, especially those who've known me for years. lol. After that, I was okay letting the more extroverted people take control of the conversation... and was even fine when they all started talking and I was left to look over the information folders we were given. I have to admit that at one point that I was getting really drained by all the conversations but I stuck it out. :)

I also got the chance to meet some of the staff. Oh! And, bonus, I got to go to confession right before orientation began. The resident priest was there early so I got a chance to talk to him. I seriously felt like he was reading my soul just by the types of questions and comments he made. I'd never met him before but he hit the nail on the head for so many things -- from career to habits and prayer life. It was a great experience for me. I'm a little bummed I couldn't stay for Mass though. I had taken my chapel veil because I had counted on staying for it after orientation. If I hadn't had that terrible stomachache, I would've stayed through to the end but, eh, what can you do?

How's the studying going? Well, I've developed a great little study plan that's worked well thus far. I was able to get through the parts of the Summa Theologiae that were assigned as well part of the Catechism for my Theology course. In fact, except for the class lecture (which has yet to be properly uploaded), I'm already done with the first week's readings and quiz. I goofed up on the quiz and I felt incredibly dumb but, hey, that's how you learn. As long as I pass... and I did. lol. We didn't get anything early for my Philosophy course so that is what I'm going to be tackling as soon as my mental fog clears up. So far, I'm really enjoying the courses. The professors have picked excellent reading material. I got God's Word: Scripture, Tradition, Office by Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI yesterday and I'm going to be starting that tonight if I feel well enough. As for the Summa, a fellow classmate was gracious enough to share his study tips with us (in a private online group) and it really made a difference. I feel a lot less intimidated by it though I am nowhere near being 100% confident with it.

I've been using the Pomodoro Technique to study, which has been excellent. I study for 25 minutes, take a 5 minute break (this usually means that I get up and stretch, do some sort of quick exercise, or do a quick social media / Pinterest check) and then I repeat the cycle. After a couple of cycles, I take a 15 minute break and then back to the same. It's really helped me absorb and understand what I'm working on more than any other study method I've ever tried. No, I'm not being paid to say this. lol. If you're studying anything, I highly recommend it. I'm using the free app on my iPod touch called Flat Tomato. I will have to use it when I have time to work on my novel because it's seriously done wonders for my productivity. And... unpaid advertisement done ;)

What else? OH! I was asked by two different people if I was sure that I wasn't meant to be a nun. lol. Long story short: my new dentist and, it seems, most of her staff are Catholic and they saw me holding Rosary beads in my hand since I prayed it while I was waiting. The dentist didn't want to accept my answer that religious life wasn't my vocation and brought it up 3 times before I left. I got a kick out of the whole thing before it happened on St. Therese's feast day. Before anyone asks, yes, I'm positive it's not my vocation. I've discerned for years (since I was 22) and the more I discern the vocation of marriage (in the form of dating and getting to know fellas), the more sure I am that this is my vocation. This is coming from a gal who hates dating, too. Seriously, I wish I could just skip it. The Fella has yet to appear but the baby steps are helping me. :) I have yet to receive the specific color rose I asked St. Therese as a sign that she was praying for my vocation discernment but I have a lot of patience so no rush there. :)

Besides all of that, life's been about not letting little obstacles get me down. I'm sure most of you didn't notice but I took a mini-break from Twitter while I was dealing through some personal stuff. I've had a really rough time with a couple of things (that I haven't mentioned) lately and I needed the break. I'm in "Little Emmy That Could" mode. I could either let these things break me down or I can say "okay, this is happening... but it won't last forever, let's keep going." I've obviously chosen the latter. At this point, I've learned to trust God enough to remember that He has my back. Do I still get upset? Of course. I have feelings but I'm trying to learn to not let them overwhelm me. My trip to school showed me that I'm stronger and braver than I've thought of myself in the past. It was a miserable trip due to my stomach pain but good things happened during it. I just have to keep going. :)

That's mostly what I've been doing since the last time I blogged. Just dealing with some things, getting ready for classes, and, now that they've started, trying to stay on top of things. Not having deadlines (except for a couple of papers) is foreign to me and I don't really like it because I work best on deadlines. I'm going to have to give myself deadlines so I don't have the temptation to procrastinate. My best friend is coming back to visit next week so I have an excuse to finish studying for my first week of classes (which goes from this past Wednesday through next Tuesday) this weekend before she gets here. I'm pretty excited about that. :D

Anyway, that's it from me for now. I'm sure there are a number of typos but, like I said, I have some serious mental fog because I'm feeling unwell so please forgive me for that. I'm going to go eat something and then work on a puzzle or something relaxing. ;)

I hope y'all had a great week and have a fantastic weekend. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

I Smiled When I Failed

I failed twice in a row and I'm absolutely grateful that I did. That probably sounds weird, doesn't it? I should probably explain my mentality behind this...

As most of you know, I've been back in school for three weeks now. I've had major tests for three of my five courses, with the fourth major exam coming up next week. I've studied to the point where my head aches and my hand hurts from all the note taking. I've given up all socializing so that I can spend my entire day studying. I aced my first exam on Morphology with a 97%. I was so excited. I took my Phonetic test an hour later... and failed. 68%. Ouch. I only had (less than) 24 hours to cram 123 terms for my anatomy exam yesterday. I spent hours doing it. I made my own flashcards (yes, hand wrote all 100+ of them). I went over them a number of times and managed to memorize most of them. Unfortunately, the exam covered most of what I didn't manage to memorize. Of course. 67%. Ouch again. Instead of feeling like a failure, I smiled and shrugged it off. Do you want to know why? No, not because I don't care (the overachiever in me isn't thrilled)... or because I've lost my mind. I did it because I've been trying to trust God more... and that includes being okay with failing once in a while.

I'll be honest here: the reasons why I passed one test but not the other two were very simple: I didn't manage my time right and I overstudied. Boy, did I overstudy. I learned from the gals in the post-baccalaureate program that my professors tend to pick exam questions based mostly on the lectures they give (which I did watch); that reading the textbook is pretty useless. Guess where I focused most of my studying on for one course: the textbook. I had way too much information crammed into my brain that I didn't actually need, which I'm sure meant I confused a couple of things on the exams. Okay, so that's out for next time. Also, I needed more time to study the anatomy terms. I thought I was going to have at least three full days to study for it; I only had less than 12 hours to do it because important things popped up and I simply had no time to study like I wanted. Problems identified and solutions planned.

So, again, why the smiling? Because I saw the whole thing as a metaphor for my life: I've had a lot of "tests" in my life that I've failed but I've always managed to overcome them with the help of God. I handled certain situations in my late teens and early 20s very poorly. Did I give up? No. Did God give up on me when I was being a rotten brat? Nope. When you love something (or someone), you don't give up on it (or them) easily. We as human beings continually fail at doing little things. That's why we have the wonderful Sacrament of Reconciliation. It doesn't mean that we're failures; it just means we have to work a little harder where we have weaknesses. (For the record: the thing that will continuously land me in the confessional is being not completely nice when I feel I'm put into danger by reckless drivers. I don't cuss but... sarcastic remarks can border on my being a brat with lack of charitable words.)

By the way, if you're asking if I prayed to St. Joseph of Cupertino that I pass my exams, I did. Yes, I certainly did... but he's not going to intercede for me if I don't put more of an effort into it. He actually did come through for me with Morphology so he gets props for that! I'm actually happy I didn't miraculously pass because I didn't deserve to pass. I needed to fail so that I could find a better plan of attack for the next couple of exams. I'm not going to give up on finding new ways to memorize things for certain classes, especially now that I have an idea of what the professors add on the exams. Am I going to be bugging the Holy Spirit for a clearer mind for the rest of my program (until May 1st, 2015)? You bet! I'm sure the Holy Spirit and a couple of saints won't mind if I spent a little more time in prayer, asking for their intercession. It'll be a better use of my time than studying things I won't need in exams ;)

I've never been as happy studying as I have been these past three weeks. I've actually caught myself smiling when working on lecture notes, when my hand is cramping and I have to pause the lecture video. I have a real passion for this subject; much more than I ever anticipated. Sure, the work is hard (um, hello, I failed two exams... and I wasn't the only one who tanked them either according to classmates) but I absolutely love it. Even if it means I'm going to have to work even harder, I don't care. I've never felt more sure of my path in life than I do now. I do have moments of doubt ('cause you-know-who loves sneaking those in when you least expect it), but I am trusting God with my path. If I don't end up passing my courses, despite all my best efforts, it's because I'm meant for another path... and I will let God lead me down that path. Still, I feel like this is where I'm supposed to be and I will work as hard as necessary to make sure I achieve my goal (which is a Masters degree in Communicative Disorders aka Speech-Language Pathology). A little hard work never hurt anyone. :)

And that's where I'm currently at. I do have a ton of homework and a big exam for this week and into next week but I will hopefully have a little more free time now that I've figure out what works (less textbook, more lectures) and what doesn't (overstudying textbooks).

Anyway, that's all I wanted to share today. I still have another 20 minutes left of lecture to get through and I want to at least get the notes done tonight so that I can go over them a couple of times before my exam next Tuesday. :) I will try to blog tomorrow but we'll see how I am with time. :)

I hope y'all have been well! If you have any prayer requests, feel free to send them my way. I'm still praying and doing novena despite all the studying I've been doing. ;)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless. :D

7 Quick Takes Vol. 17: Study Breaks and Saint Dreams Edition

-- 1 --

I hope y'all enjoyed doing the St. Dymphna novena that was posted over the last couple of days. I failed to post the link to day 8 on the FB page but I know y'all knew the posts were still posted daily as I scheduled them ahead of time. ;) As I posted on the page, the Mary Undoer of Knots novena started yesterday via Pray More Novenas. If you haven't started it, there's still time. It's one of my all-time favorites and quite powerful.

-- 2 --

Speaking of the FB page, I've been more active on it because it's sometimes easier to get certain content seen than on Twitter. That and I'm trying to stay away from Twitter during the day. lol. I use Twitter for everything, not just Catholic content. I try to keep the content on the FB page purely Catholic so, in case you want more of that, please consider "liking" the page. ;)

-- 3 -- 

I can't believe my debut novel has been out for two weeks today... and it's still selling! That's still kind of crazy to me. Did you know that if you have Amazon Prime you can also "borrow" it? Seriously, I'm not about making money (and I would host a giveaway if it wasn't my contract with Amazon to not give it away); I just want young women (and fellas) to have something else to read that doesn't contain smut or any of the other problematic issues other novels have. The characters are flawed and they don't always make the best decisions but parents don't have to worry about their teenagers reading about "sexy times" or other questionable things. I personally like the sequel better but you need to read the debut to make sense of the second one. ;)

-- 4 --

As some of you might've seen on Twitter and the FB page, last week I had a very interesting saint dream. Basically, there were three saints: St. Catherine of Genoa, St. Catherine of Siena, and Bl. Pier Giorgio. Bl. PGF is a veteran (in terms of the number of appearances in my dreams) but it was the first appearance of both St. Catherine of Genoa and St. Catherine of Siena. I had actually never heard of St. Catherine of Genoa prior to the dream so the fact that she popped up was interesting. It's kind of how it happened with St. Teresa of Avila upon my reversion. Anyway, in the dream I had a sense of St. Catherine of Genoa wanting to help me, but I was unclear as to how. Then St. Catherine of Siena and Bl. PGF were there, by my side, because they were also going to help as well. I figured out what St. Catherine of Genoa is patroness of and it still amuses me because I'm currently trying to figure out a situation pertaining to my vocation. No clue what it means but I still laugh over the coincidence. lol.

-- 5 -- 

And while on the topic of the dream and coincidences, I figured out two very cool real life coincidences connected to the dream. First: Did you know that the female protagonist in my novel, Lina (Catalina), was named after St. Catherine of Alexandria... who appeared to St. Joan of Arc in real life? Yep. Guess who was born of St. Joan of Arc's feast day? This girl! I didn't even realize that until last week. Funny! Also, it just dawned on me that both St. Catherine of Siena and Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati (who appeared in my dream) are both Dominican saints... and I'm looking into becoming a lay Dominican. Loving the connections. ;)

-- 6 --

Update from my studies: I am drowning in the amount of reading, assignments, and exams I have to do on a weekly basis. :( So far I have all possible points in most classes (I got a 9/10 in one assignment for one class) but it's hard to maintain near perfect grades. One of my professors is allowing us to do quizzes an unlimited number of times because of how dense the material is and how much of it we have to memorize. I have two big exams coming up (one tomorrow and the other -- harder! -- on Monday morning) so I'm taking tonight through Monday morning to step away from social networks to really immerse myself in the material. I knew the program was intense (as will the grad school program; I'm in the post-baccalaureate program) but, goodness, I didn't know it was going to be this bad. I have 5 courses, too! I'll just offer it up. This is something I really want to do so I will work hard in order to achieve it. A little (or a lot) of hard work never hurt anyone. No, shush, let me believe that. lol.

-- 7 --

There's really not much to report on. My days are filled with lectures, note taking, reading, etc. I have been keeping up my daily prayers (except last Sunday morning; oops!) and I'm trying hard to examine my conscience on a daily basis so that I'm aware of my actions. Hopefully the Undoer of Knots novena I'm doing will help with that. Oh! And, thanks to Thomas Pringle, I learned about the Chaplet of St. Michael the Archangel! I knew about the scapular (blue and black; looks like a shield) but had no idea the chaplet was so good! :D I'm going to incorporate that (along with the Chaplet of the Divine Mercy) when I take my study breaks. Need to do prayer in between study to keep myself sane. lol.

For more Quick Takes, visit Conversion Diary!

That's it for now. I need to go pick mom up from work and then turn in an assignment early (doing everything early this week) so I can focus on studying for my exams for the rest of the weekend. I hope y'all are doing well!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D