As I wrote last time, I don't think I will be returning for a second quarter because of how poorly my quarter went. Again, it wasn't that I didn't try. I did. I gave it my all and then some. There were just too many obstacles that were thrown my way and I couldn't catch up. I won't repeat everything; it's all in the previous post. I'm not stressed out though. I did well considering everything I went through. I received solid grades on all my essays. I actually did better in Philosophy than in Theology which I was not expecting. Philosophy is my weak spot as far as the world of Theology/Philosophy goes. I loved every second of my classes; it's just unfortunate that I had so much going on at the same time. Predictably, as soon as I was finished with the quarter, things slowed down. So the crazy began the day of orientation (the day before the quarter started) and it slowed down as soon as the last final was completed. You draw your conclusions there...
Actually, all of this has got me thinking about whether or not grad school is for me. Again, LOVED it. I learned so much. Dr. Barber and Dr. Kincaid are great professors. It's not a reflection on the school or the professors. I'm still an academic nerd at heart but I've been thinking (for a couple of weeks now) that maybe this is not the path for me. Yes, I still think that I'm on the right path as far as vocation (small v; aka career/job) goes but maybe I'm just not meant to continue grad school for this particular subject. That is something I'm going to be discerning over the next couple of weeks.
I'm not quitting because it was hard and I went through a lot. If that was the case, I wouldn't have turned in my finals. I would've dropped out when I had a chance to get the W. I could've said "why am I doing this when I'm not going to pass one class and face dismissal?" Actually, the thought did pop into my head this past week. "Why am I finishing my Philosophy paper when I'm obviously not going to pass (reminder: that means B- or better) Theology?" But, no. I finished what I started. What did it for me was the cold, hard facts that my friends who've taken a similar path presented to me.
If you guys haven't noticed by now: I'm an idealist. I dream big. I'm optimistic. That's not bad, per se... it can just cloud my decisions at times. I had this vision that wasn't exactly shattered but was brought down to reality. I won't go into detail but let's just say that, yes, I did have my head in the clouds and had to be talked sense into. In the end, while I'm still optimistic about the future, I feel as if I have a clearer vision of what I feel called to do.
I still feel as if I want to work with teenagers but maybe teaching in a traditional sense is not for me. I still want to write and opportunities have presented themselves in which I can actually do that. Yes, writing is an unpredictable and unstable profession. Hi, I did freelance work for 2 years! Still, I'm finding better opportunities to do that and in a more financially stable manner. As for the work with teenagers, I can do that with my BA. I can do so much with what I already have.
Maybe I needed to go through a hard semester of grad school to realize that I'm ready. Maybe grad school was an unintentional excuse because I was afraid (oh, fear... my arch nemesis) of going after what I feel called to do. I honestly felt as if I needed to do my Theology MA because I wasn't knowledgeable enough in the faith to dive into work. Now I feel as if I'm ready. Maybe I went through a hard 10 weeks so that I could see that I was committed to this path (which I am!) but that perhaps grad school isn't a part of His plans for me. That's okay.
As I said, I'm going to be discerning that between now and the time the next quarter starts (in the off-chance that I get to stay). A lot of time will be spent in prayer and in front of the tabernacle when I'm able. I'm not making any decisions unless I take them to prayer because He knows I know His help when it comes to these big decisions. In the meantime I've started applying to jobs. There is one in particular that would be great for me -- it involves writing, I can do it from home, and it's for an orthodox Catholic company. We shall see what the future holds. :)
Anyway, those are my thoughts for now. I have more but I'm going to wait until my end of year review post to share them. Oh, you can wait another 10 days or so. ;)
Oh! If you're wondering what my plans are while I discern: a lot of rest. I need to kick start my plans to get healthy so a lot of rest (read: stable sleeping schedule), eating well, and relaxing is what Dr. Emmy* orders for herself. I got a month of Netflix so I'm going to enjoy that when I'm not working on my third novel. No, it's not work for me; writing is fun for me! :D
I hope y'all have a wonderful weekend!
As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D
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