Becoming Benedictine

I've had Sara Bareilles' "I Choose You" stuck in my head for the past couple of days. As I drowsily wake up from whatever dream (or nightmare) I'm having, the chorus keeps repeating in my mind...

"Tell the world that we finally got it all right,
I choose you.
I will become yours and you will become mine,
I choose you..."

What does this song have to do with the blog title? Well, perhaps the fact that after years of going back and forth on third orders (it was a tie between lay Carmelites and third order Dominicans with the Dominicans edging them out in recent years), I've finally settled on a lay order that (seemingly) came out of nowhere.

Ladies and gentlemen, I've finally decided on becoming a Benedictine oblate.

"Wait, Benedictine?" you may be asking me. "Since when were they on the radar?" It's kind of a long story but I'll try to condense it for y'all.

When I first got the idea to look into third orders -- when I was sure I wasn't called to become a religious sister -- I looked at ALL the third/lay orders. I will admit that I dismissed the Benedictine oblates because they didn't seem to be a right fit for me. Even my spiritual director at that time thought I was a good fit for the Dominicans because of my academically-inclined mind and nature. My favorite saint (well, blessed), Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati, was a lay Dominican. I loved St. Catherine of Siena. I had a fire to teach others about the faith and defend it, especially when I was an undergrad at my CINO (Catholic in name only) college. With one of my dearest friends discerning his vocation with the Discalced Carmelite Friars and so many of my friends leaning Carmelite -- as well as finding a kindred spirit in St. Therese of Lisieux -- I also considered the Carmelites as frontrunners. I think I kept going back and forth between these two orders because, as much as I loved the people associated with them and the orders themselves, neither felt like the right fit for me.

How did the Benedictines win me over? I believe it started with reading The Benedict Option by Rob Dreher last Lent. Yes, I know... I know. A controversial book, but I got my first real taste of Benedictine spiritually from it. After reading it, I was intrigued to learn more about the order so I read The Rule of Saint Benedict. All this happened last Lent. Little did I know that everything (and I mean everything) that began last Lent had planted the seeds for what I was going to go through for the rest of the year. I had no idea that it meant me also choosing to become a Benedictine oblate before this year's Lenten season began.

When I knew I was finished with school, my former spiritual director's words kept coming back to my mind, "Wait until you finish school to discern. Wait until you finish school to discern..." Then I met a lovely lady who talked about discerning with the Monks of Norcia and it all clicked for me... including the thought of discerning with them as well. There has always been something about them that has a struck a chord with me (those who have been reading this blog long enough may remember I even donated my entire royalty check (and then some) of the last novel sale of 2016 to their earthquake relief fund).

I'm lucky that they accept overseas oblates. It will mean a lot of hard work in the future because it will mean that I'll have to make a trip out to Italy once a year but I'm willing to do all the work to make it happen. (btw, if you do want to make a trip to visit them -- even if you aren't a discerning oblate -- there's one coming up this year). I've also looked into the local Benedictines (at St. Andrew's Abbey) but there's something in my heart that really wants my discernment to be with the Monks of Norcia. I've already contacted them and now I have to wait to see what happens.

If you're wondering if there was one specific thing that sold me on the Benedictines, the answer is "no." I took a lot of things into consideration: their spirituality, what was required of its oblates, the orthodoxy of the particular abbey, my strengths, my weaknesses, my temperament, what gifts God has given me, what I felt He has planted in my heart (which I have yet to share with the world), where I felt He was leading me to, etc. Most importantly, I didn't do it on a whim... which I tend to do when I get excited about things. I took the time to think about it, research it, pray about it, and make sure it felt like the path God was leading me down on.

And so my journey begins. I don't know where it'll end but I've felt both very excited and at peace about this decision for a while now. I can't wait to see what God store in store for me. :)

That's it for now. I'm still feeling weak and terrible (I've actually written this blog post in parts over the past 2-3 days.

I hope you all have a lovely week!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

I Have Zero Plans For My Life

I think some (okay, almost all) of the people in my life are utterly perplexed over my decision to not make any plans regarding my future. I have zero plans for my life. I have no clarity about what God wants me to do but not even that is making any big impact on me.

"So, wait, you don't have any plans?"

Beyond finishing the memoir and working on my third novel (two separate works), no. Before anyone panics, this isn't a cry for help nor anything of the sort. I'm not disappearing. I'm not depressed or having any thoughts that would condemn to automatic eternity in h-e-double hockey sticks. On the contrary; I can't remember the last time I felt this happy, this at peace, or this excited about the future. I've simply decided to let God have full control of my future. Complete control. I'm not planning anything long term. I know... it's weird for me not to have plans in place. It's a new territory for me.

Sure, I plan on looking for a job so I can pay back my student loans, but I don't have a specific field I'm looking at. I'm letting God take the reins in regards to what field I'll be working in. Yes, I do have plans to hang out with friends in the next week. Obviously, I have some writing to do. Besides that, no concrete plans. I don't even have birthday plans (which I love to plan for) and my birthday is coming up at the end of this month. Any plans I have are short term and no longer than 2 weeks in advance. These plans can also be changed as needed.

As I said in the last blog post, something happened between the 54-day Rosary novena I did last year and this past Lent that made me change in a profound way. I no longer care for this that I used to; things that made me shallow, vain, prideful, etc. As Easter approached, I knew that I wanted to surrender everything to God. If I had a religious vocation, this would've been easier for me to do -- to renounce the things that the world was offering me that were no longer bringing me joy or bringing me closer to God. Alas, I have no religious vocation. Recently, I even opened up myself to the possibility of becoming a consecrated laywoman but my desire for a family is too great.

I've known for years that this -- being a wife and mama -- is to be my future vocation. Again, since the Rosary novena, that desire has grown exponentially and my vocation in that area is the only thing that is perfectly clear to me. God is in control there as well, though I've had to ask St. Joseph and the Immaculate Heart of Mary for help to keep my heart safe from vultures in the past couple of months. No plans there either. Even if there are plans, y'all know I probably wouldn't talk/blog about them until like the day after my wedding, ninja-style. lol.

My former spiritual director advised me to wait until I was done with school to discern becoming a lay Dominican. The Oblates of the Order of St. Benedict have also appealed to me recently so I'll be looking into both of those. That reminds me... I should probably look into finding a solid spiritual director soon. Since I have no plans to return to academia in any capacity anytime soon, and since I have zero plans overall, it's a good time to start this discernment. A certain L.A. seminarian needs to get on my case about that. Ahem. lol.

I'm really enjoying my little domestic routine I fall into every time I'm not in school. I love pulling up Spotify on my laptop or iPod touch and singing and dancing along to the music as I clean the house. I actually love cleaning -- vacuuming, dusting, putting things in the proper place, washing dishes by hand, etc. Even there are only two of us living in this apartment, I still regularly clean the house and keep it organized. I do the grocery shopping. I'm the one who keeps track of all financial things. I take care of the car and I fix things that need to be fixed around the house (I'm very much my father's daughter). I even took apart the vacuum a couple of days ago to fix it. I split cooking duties with Mom but baking is my thing. It's my jam (no pun intended) -- I love the domestic life.

As you can see, I'm basically going with the flow. I'm open to anything God puts in my path. It's been working well for me except I can get bored at times (lol, oh, Emmy...). During these moments of boredom, I just grab a book and read, clean the house, or I try to catch up with friends. It's become clear that I need to take this time to get myself a little healthier so I'm simply playing it by ear. Where things will go, we shall see. Kind of exciting, huh? lol.

There's something intensely beautiful and liberating yet somewhat frightening about leaving everything up to God. It's frightening because you have no idea what He has in store for you. I have no idea what is coming up. I don't know if I'm going to endure more hardships or -- if there are some coming up -- if they'll be worse than what I've dealt with up until now. I don't know if I'm going to get a sudden break and things will start working out for me. I don't know when I'll get a job or pay off my student loans. I don't know when my dream of being a wife and mama will finally happen. I don't know anything except that I love God and I trust Him with my life. That is why I'm doing what I'm doing; that's the beautiful and liberating part.

That's my answer to people freaking out about the changes I've made lately. I'm happy and at peace. Have I said that enough for people will start believing me when I say it? lol. There's no need for any alarm. I'm in a good place across the board. Saying goodbye to certain social media accounts was good to do because now I don't sit around and just scroll through everything now that I have way too much free time. I have to use my creativity -- and remembering what needs to be done -- to fill my life. It's quite lovely.

I think that's it for now. Hopefully, this will be the last of these kinds of posts. I don't want to keep repeating myself but, apparently, I need to keep reassuring people I'm okay. I'm good. If I wasn't so camera shy, I'd post a picture of me giving you a thumbs up so... virtual thumbs up. Insert dorky grin here, too. lol.

Okay, I'm going to go get a snack and read. Maybe. I don't even know what I'm going to do for the rest of my day. ;)

I hope you are all doing well!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Moving Forward with Trust and (Some) Confusion

This is how I've felt my moments of silence and prayer have gone lately:

Me: God, I'm confused. I thought I was supposed to take this one route yet things are working out for the other route.
God: Do you trust Me?
Me: Yes, I'm just confused as to why I feel like the other path was the one I was supposed to go down on but it didn't work out. I'm not even sure I like this other path.
God: Do you trust Me?
Me: Yes. I just don't know what I'm doing anymore. Have I been wrong all this time? Was I just supposed to get certain things out of my system by experiencing them so I could put all my effort into this other route?
God: Do you trust Me?
Me: Yes.
God: Then let go. Keep going down this path. Don't plan so far ahead and don't overthink things. Trust in Me and you'll get to where you're supposed to be.
Me: Okay. (inwardly panics because I like to have everything planned ahead of time.)

My eye-opening moments have not ceased since the last blog post I wrote. I feel like my entire world is getting turned upside, but in a good way. A lot of things that I was certain about? They no longer seem like they're what I expected. Example: grad school and career path.

I was certain that I was supposed to do the Theology MA degree. I felt in my element doing the coursework. I loved learning more about the faith. I did well (that C in Theology during the Fall quarter following my car accident notwithstanding). Then the whole thing with me having to suddenly leave JP Catholic happened. That was followed by the (also seemingly sudden) change back to the SLP field.

In a lot of ways, my eyes have been opened to the possibility that maybe the SLP field is where I belong after all. I've already done well in my previous course. I even have the option of taking an extra course to qualify for Latin Honors. (side note: I've declined because I don't need an extra class and I'm perfectly fine not getting honors at graduation; I'm not even planning on attending the graduation ceremony next May.)

It's been pointed out that I have a surprising amount of patience for children. It seems to be a sort of "superpower" because I can handle a lot of things most adults can't. Maybe not having children at 31 and having a desire for children makes me more patient. *shrugs* The children seem to respond well to me. Looking far younger than my years might be helping me there. I worked with a group of 3-5 year-olds with speech impediments two years ago and I had one very shy little guy open up to me after the first day. That helps a lot in this field, especially since my focus is on young children with speech impediments.

Perhaps I was meant to do a bit of the Theology MA before returning to the SLP field so I could be sure about my other discernment -- becoming a lay Dominican. My former SD did say I should finish school before I committed to going through that process. Maybe I was meant to see that this (Dominican instead of Carmelite) was the path I need to take while I work as an SLP/A. (Another side note: I'm currently not sure if I'll stay as an assistant or become a full SLP; I will revisit the idea in another two years). Not all lay Dominicans are professors or working in the education field. Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati was working towards his mining engineer degree before his death and he was a lay Dominican. Maybe I'll finish that Theology MA one day as a lay Dominican.

I've been having a lot of "well, that didn't work out as I planned but, okay, that actually makes a lot of sense" moments lately. I need to either see if my former SD would be willing to meet with me to help me figure this out or get some major peace about the new plans. Like I said, I feel like my world has been flipped upside down and I'm now taking things one day at a time. Besides the upcoming school year, I'm not planning anything else ahead of time. What's that saying? "If you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans"? Okay. No more planning. Taking things as they come. I'm down with that. Wait, are they kids still saying that? *shrugs* Playing it by ear, folks. ;)

So that's what's been up with me lately. I've been very, very physically fatigued lately but I kind of figured out that it was probably because we had maintenance workers at our apartment almost every day, all day for a couple of weeks and that just drained me of my introverted energy. If I need a day or two to recover from hanging out with friends, imagine how much more time I need to recover from having these gregarious (read: super extroverted) maintenance workers at my apartment for days and weeks at a time. I'll be fine. :D

Anyway, I think that's it from me for now. Gotta leave some things for the next blog post. ;)

I hope y'all are having a lovely week thus far! :)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Escape from Homeworkland and Other Updates

Can you hear the angels singing? They are singing because I've finally caught up with all the reading assigned for my Historical Books of the Old Testament course! YES! Everyone conga! I'd fallen behind two weeks due to a combination of lack of textbook and lack of concentration (amongst other things) but I've done it! To celebrate I'm going to blog. lol.

Now, this doesn't mean I'm caught up with doing my exams -- I have three to do -- but at least everything with a due date is done and I'm going to try to get at least 2 of those exams done by tonight so I can focus on my final project. I've been putting off taking the exams due to lack of concentration but hope a nap later today will help with that. The final project isn't due for another 3-4 weeks but I want to take my time doing it (because I'm so into the material) so I want to start a bit early. :D

All of this is a bit miraculous, especially if you know my track record with school over the last couple of years. I'm very much prone to procrastination. It's a major problem. Sometimes I allow little things to derail me. I use them as excuses. Now, I've had legitimate excuses lately.

On Tuesday I found out I'm slightly anemic once again. Though I've reached my weight goal (after struggling with being underweight for about 3 years; another fist pump in the air!) and my platelets and everything else is within normal range, my white and red blood count and ferritin levels are still a bit on the low side. Folate level? Abismal! That explains why I've been so fatigued lately. I've been napping more often than usual and I can't concentrate as easily due to the mental fatigue that accompanies the physical fatigue. Still, I've been able to get lectures and reading done (though I'm a week behind on lecture videos) as well as two exams (both of which I did well on) and discussion posts.

I think it's thanks to the intercession of the Holy Spirit, Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati, and St. Catherine of Siena that I've been able to accomplish as much as I have. First I asked Bl. Pier Giorgio and the Holy Spirit to intercede -- Bl. Pier Giorgio because he died a few exams short of receiving his degree and because studying didn't always come easy to him. The Holy Spirit because, well, it's obvious. ;) I asked Bl. Pier Giorgio to intercede because of my lack of concentration. I was doing well but still struggled once in awhile. Then the novena of St. Catherine of Siena started and I asked her to intercede when it came to the temptation to procrastinate (since she's a patroness against temptations). Fast forward a couple of weeks and I actually have the opportunity to be 2 weeks ahead in my textbook reading instead of 2 weeks behind. Thank you, Holy Spirit, Bl. Pier Giorgio, and St. Catherine of Siena!

It doesn't hurt that the textbooks and course material has been right up my alley. We've been learning -- as I mentioned at the beginning of the blog post -- about the historical books in the Old Testament. That is to say, we've been reading Joshua, Judges, Ruth, 1 Samuel, 2 Samuel, 1 Kings, and 2 Kings thus far. Next week we tackle 1 Chronicles and so forth. Is it possible to be in love with the material? Because I am. If there was any doubt that this was the path that God wanted me to take, it's gone.

Likewise, if there was any doubt that I have strong Dominican tendencies (which my spiritual director himself said I had a couple of years ago), it's gone. lol. After all my indecision between choosing either the Dominican and Carmelite orders, I can now see that I'm better suited for the Dominican lifestyle. However, my SD advised me to wait until I finished graduate school to start the process to become a lay Dominican. And, before anyone asks, yes, I'm sure I don't have a religious vocation. God has made that abundantly clear in my life, especially lately. Also, yes, I know that it's been through the intercession of two Dominican saints that I've been able to accomplish what I have in my course this quarter. ;)

Anyway, I just wanted to give y'all a little update on what's been going on with me since I've been pretty silent on this blog and on social media, though I've been a bit more active on Twitter lately.

Before I end this blog post can I just say how grateful I am with how things have worked out in my life lately? It's been a roller coaster ride with its ups and downs but everything has shown me that God is doing some incredible things in my life. He has shown me that He's heard my prayers for Him to help guide me down the path He wants me to take. As I reflected on Twitter a couple of nights ago, I'm grateful for the ability to take naps as needed. If I had a husband and children to take care, this anemia-induced fatigue would've made grad school difficult for me. That's not to say that I would prefer a Master's degree to a family -- I quite frankly don't; I honestly would've preferred to have gotten married and had children at a younger age instead -- but if it's God's will for me that I do this before I start a family then I'm grateful for the ability to do so. It's all about His plans and His timing. I'll expound more on this next time because I certainly have had a major breakthrough in this area.

For now, I'm going to say: I hope y'all are doing well! I think I'll get a chance to blog more often in the coming weeks but don't be surprised if I miss a couple of days whenever things are due. ;)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

What I Learned Wednesday #19: Saints in Love Edition

I finally finished this book (Saints in Love by Carole Hallundbaek) on Monday night (whoo!) and now I can do a sort-of review through my What I Learned Wednesday post. I usually just post 3 short things I learned about the Faith during the week but there's so much to cover that I'm going to make them a little bit longer than usual.

1. I may have a reputation of being a sort of "patron saint encyclopedia", but I really don't know much about the many of the saints' lives. I may know who is the patron saint of specific things but I don't know their life stories. I loved the last chapter of the book, which focused on the relationship between St. Francis de Sales and St. Jane Frances de Chantal. I even sent this note to myself that night, before I forgot:

"It is a strong yet peaceful desire to learn about and from them (St. Francis de Sales and St. Jane Frances de Chantal) as I think they may be the ones who will be amongst those who will help me in my next chapter in life."

I was reading about all the wonderful things that all the saints featured (St. Francis of Assisi and St. Clare, St. Teresa of Avila and St. John of the Cross, St. Catherine of Siena and Pope Gregory XI, and St. Francis de Sales and St. Jane Frances de Chantal) had accomplished but I knew little about their actual lives. The book did cover the basics but I did know the basics of about half of them so it wasn't anything new for me. Now I have a desire to learn more, especially on the ones that inspired me this week.

2. I like learning about my saints without having sex come into it. Yes, it's been established that I'm a "prude" (and proud) but I don't actually see sex as a bad thing. In a Theology of the Body way, it's a good thing (from what I've read). In a lustful, bow-chicka-wow-wow way, not so much. There were a couple of times that I felt the author was trying way too hard to bring sex into the relationship between the two saints she was featuring. I'm not saying that the Evil One hadn't tempted them (I don't know that) but it wasn't even that. I actually read some parts to my friend Delaney (when she was visiting a couple of weeks ago) and she agreed that it was all just unnecessary and uncomfortable. As someone who has a lot of guy friends whom I respect and don't look at as more than brothers (and vice versa), I didn't appreciate some of the things that were written. It IS possible to have a friendship with a member of the opposite sex without any funny business.

That being said, there were some things about sex that the author talked about that I liked. There was a quote she added that I really liked; "Celibacy is not about never falling in love, it's about falling in love over and over and over again." (pg. 46) I understood and appreciate that. Like I said, sex is not a bad thing. I'm obviously not talking from experience but I've read enough on the Sacrament of Marriage to not be (entirely) freaked out about it. lol. Just, please keep it away from my saints that were friends and respected each other. Please. No need to bring it up unnecessarily.

3. I might have found the right Third/Lay Order for myself thanks to this book. I've looked into (but only superficially) a plethora of Third/Lay Orders but none have really touch me the way the Salesian spirituality did. I haven't really learned much about it (other than they are called Salesian Cooperators) but what I did read made me think that it may be the right one for me. I still have to look into it but, as I have already said, I was really inspired by St. Francis de Sales and St. Jane Frances de Chantal... and it's made me feel more confident and at peace about my decisions regarding my career choice and my vocation. In fact, I think I'm very ready for whenever God feels I should start the next chapter in my life. :)

That's what I learned on my journey of learning more about myself and the Faith this week. Like I said in the beginning of this post, there's so much to cover that it would be impossible to do so in a single blog post. I will say that I both liked and didn't like this book for the reasons I talked about. I learned a lot about myself, about the saints, and about the saints relationships with each other and with God.

I can't say whether I recommend this book or not. I mean, I liked a good portion of it but I really had a hard time getting through parts of it.

And now I'm going to go keep my eye on my cell phone because I'm on Bebe Baldwin watch and I don't want to miss anything. Please keep Julie in your prayers because it looks her baby wants to meet her and her husband soon!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Considering Joining a Third/Lay Order

Before I get into the main topic of the post *points to title*, let me apologize for the lack of updates. Yes, I'm on vacation but I've spent almost every day getting through every inch of the apartment, in full Spring Clean-a-thon mode. Doesn't sound like much of a vacation but it'll be the only time I can get it done before my birthday next week and before I return to work (freelance writing, meh) the first week of June. Only 1.5 bedrooms are left but I am taking a break today to blog... and reblog a lot of Anne of Green Gable things on my tumblr. (side note: Gilbert Blythe has officially ousted Henry Tilney as my literary crush.) ;)

I've been thinking about joining a Third/Lay Order for years now. Ever since I figured out that my vocation wasn't a religious one, I looked into it but I haven't really researched it. I have my favorite Orders but I feel like I should look at all types of spirituality (i.e. Carmelite, Dominican, Benedictine, Passionist, etc.) to find the right fit for me. I don't like doing things on a whim or lightly so it's going to take some time but there are a few things that I know about myself that will help me decide. I won't say what they are (this time around) but when I've decided on things, I'll let y'all know. :)

When mom and I went to spend Mother's Day with the Carmelite Sisters of the Most Sacred Heart of Los Angeles, our wish (as it was my mother's as much as mine) to visit them. I've always been attracted to the Carmelites, I think even as a child of 6-7 when I used to proudly proclaim that I would one day become a nun. I didn't know the Carmelites by name but I remember liking the habits from that age. A couple of my favorite saints are Carmelites and I am enrolled in the Brown Scapular so this visit was going to happen at some point. I absolutely loved seeing them in their "natural habitat" (hope that doesn't sound too rude; I didn't any disrespect). They were all extremely friendly and praying the Rosary with them prior to Mass was amazing despite the horrid heat that day (it went up to 90-something degrees Fahrenheit). I loved being there but if I had any doubts of my vocation (as a laywoman and future wife and mama), it was the final "child, just be patient" sign. As much as I would've loved to have been a religious sister (and I really did want to be), I feel as if God has plans for me out here, "in the world" (as I like to say). Still, it doesn't mean that I can't join a Third Order. Just because I'm out "in the world" doesn't mean I'm going to belong to it. Does that make any sense?

I'll admit that I've only looked at the Carmelite and Dominican Third Orders because of the saints I love (St. Teresa of Avila and St. Therese of Lisieux for Carmelites and Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati for Dominicans) but I'll be doing my research before I get back to the tedious work grind.

And now we've come full circle without drawing out into a long blog post. You're welcome. ;) lol.

I really should get back to finishing the Clean-a-thon so I can enjoy the rest of my vacation. We're taking the train (not a fan of planes) for an out of town trip later this week so I want to get everything done before then. :)

I hope you are all having a great start of week. I hope to resume of What I Learned Wednesday posts tomorrow but don't hold me to it because I'm not sure how long it'll take me to get the two bedrooms (remember: I'm going inch by inch) done.

Prayers going out to those affected by the tornadoes as well as those who are still in danger zones. May St. Medard (patron against bad weather, tornadoes included) and St. Scholastica (patroness against storms) intercede so that more lives are spared, especially those in the tornadoes' paths of destruction.

As always, thanks for reading and God bless. :D