Earlier this week, I felt like God was telling me to let go of my pride; the same pride instilled in me by my parents who always told me to never ask anyone for anything, especially money. I saw that it was partially pride that kept me from saying anything, so I started telling some of my closest friends what was going on. Most immediately offered to help, financially, but I still couldn't let go of that pride so I decline. Only two didn't listen to me and one of them covered what was most vital: food.
The truth is that my mother and I are in a bad way, financially. What we didn’t anticipate happening when my health took a nosedive in June was that I wouldn't be able to work as much. We were making ends meet but as soon as my productivity dropped, so did our ability to keep on top of our finances. Being partially blinded and unable to look at screens for more than a couple of minutes at a time most days is a freelance writer’s worst nightmare. I even wrote this post in chunks through both cell phone and laptop as the laptop is harder on my eyes.
My best friends knew I was planning on moving earlier this year. In fact, if I hadn't gotten sick (to the point where I can't even make myself food), I would be living in a different state right now. However, God's plans for me were different. Instead, I got sick and then I had to drain my savings completely in order to help Mom afford rent, bills, and food. Unfortunately, it’s gotten to the point where we might not even be able to afford rent much longer (they increased it by 4% last month and L.A. is notoriously expensive so you can imagine the cost). We were also worried about not having money for food until one of my best friends generously covered our groceries for the final week of the month.
Yes, it's been that bad. And, yes, I kept that hidden from friends for months. That's right, months. We had to have a cousin loan us money last month to be able to pay rent.. and since we had to pay her back this month, that made affording food more difficult. It's that bad, y'all. Since my mom is set to retire in a couple of months (and since I'm obviously not getting married or leaving home anytime soon), we've (as a family) have been looking to move somewhere more affordable as soon as we can. First, somewhere locally until my mom retires, and then possibly out of state.
My good friend, and editor of my first two novels, Kiera, knew our situation and set up a GoFundMe account to either be able to repair my current car (which needs a lot of work) or get myself a new (to me) car since mine has been breaking down often since last year. We keep putting a lot of money into repairs but things continue to break down since my car is a 1998 Honda Civic and most of the parts were original when I bought it almost 9 years ago.
As long-time readers of this blog may know, I drive my Mom to work at 4 a.m five days a week since she doesn't drive. Since we live in a shady neighborhood and there’s no immediate public transportation access that won’t put her safety at risk at 3-4 a.m., it's been a sacrifice I've been making since shortly before my father passed away (he used to drive her to work).
I know that the $5,000 goal Kiera is aiming for seems a lot but I think she did it because she'd rather see me get a new car than keep putting more money (repairs will be in the lower end of four digits) into my little Honda; the same car that, well, hasn't been the same since my car accident over 4 years ago. I'm trusting God to provide for either a new (to me) car or, the very at least, enough for basic repairs that will keep the car running for now since we can’t afford (literally) for Mom to keep taking Uber to work. We can barely afford food, how can we afford Uber?
For those who say, "Well, why don't you just work harder?" (and, yes, it's been asked), it's simple: if I could put in extra work, I would. If I could just spend all day writing for various websites and publications... or even get a job outside the house, I would! But my health isn't letting me. Let's put my eyesight and freelance writing aside. I'm too physically spent to work outside the house. In fact (only a handful of people knew this... until now), I'm so sick that I'm actually underweight by half a dozen pounds. I went from 128 lbs to 114 lbs in 4 months. My body is so spent and my diet is so restricted that I fall asleep even when eating some days. I'm that sick. There's no other way to say it.
Someone else asked, "Why are you asking for prayers when you need is money?" The reason why I asked for prayers (before Kiera set up the GoFundMe account) was that I knew God would provide somehow. Again, partial pride was to blame for not asking for money, but I also understand that there are people worse off than we are. I knew that thanks to everyone's prayers, we would either get the funds through work for me (meaning He would give me the physical strength and eyesight to work) or through some other means. Since my eyesight is still horrible (I woke up blind in my right eye twice this morning; I took a nap, which is why I say twice) and they won't give Mom overtime or even a raise, I guess God will provide this way.
I don't expect to reach the $5,000 mark... or even the $1,000 mark. I know that if it's God's will that I get a new car, He'll make sure it happens. I also know that if it's His will that we keep our car and only get enough for the repairs for it, it'll happen. Either way, I've put the situation in His hands. I've also been praying a novena to St. Philomena asking her to intercede so that I can get to Mass more often to fulfill part of my Benedictine oblate responsibilities (and, of course, the car broke down as soon as I started praying for that, lol) and I know that her intercession will also come through for me.
Swallowing any pride I may have left, I'm going to say this: if you feel a tug in your heart to do so, please consider helping out. Any little bit helps. If I could work for it, I would but I can't and we're in a desperate situation. If you can’t donate or share the link, please say a prayer for us. I know God will provide somehow and for what we need, not what we may want.
Anyway, that's it for now. My eyes keep watering from looking at the laptop screen for so long and I want to give them a rest.
I hope y'all are having a lovely week thus far!
As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :)
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