My Breakdown and What it Did to My Faith

This is hard for me to admit but, this is my journey and if it helps someone it'll be worth saying it:

I had a breakdown a couple of days ago.

Feel free to judge me as you want. The stigma of it makes me feel ashamed but I've come to terms with the fact that I was a lot stronger for much longer than I should've been.

There were a number of contributing factors that just added up at the worst time; all at the same time. Those I've trusted with the details the two main causes -- who hurt me and what happened. No one who knows the details is happy with those involved. I have never seen so much swearing coming from my friends before; they're that angry on my behalf.

Then we have my digital burnout. I don't think I need to say anything about that; y'all know what has happened. Y'all can see some of the hurtful messages I have received in the days prior to my digital detox break -- at least the ones that don't have their accounts protected. I don't need to tell y'all how overwhelmed I felt but y'all also didn't know this happened during one of the most difficult times in my personal life. (side note: if you hate seeing my updates and prayer requests on Twitter so much, please just unfollow me instead of telling me that no one cares about what I'm going through and/or that no one is going to help me when I ask for prayers. It's incredibly hurtful when all I'm asking for is prayers.)

To everyone who kicked me while I was already down, I want to say: I forgive you. I don't want to feel anger or resentment, though I have. I don't want to blame anyone for causing my breakdown, though others have and still do. I'm simply going to pray for those who hurt me and ask God to merciful.

Have I also mentioned that my car broke down (again; still at the mechanic's), that our check for the rent bounced (and now we have to pay $100+ we don't have due to the error; thanks, Chase!), and that I experienced a strong spiritual attack all on the same day as well? Yes, it all happened at once and within a couple of hours.

Hitting rock bottom is incredibly humbling. At first, I felt ashamed and embarrassed. I felt like I deserved it -- all of what happened. Friends will argue with me on those points but that's what I believed. It took a lot of (patiently) walking me through everything that happened to help me get through the worst of it. I now understand that I could have prevented some of it -- up to a point -- but that the bulk of it was out of my hands, I did everything I could to prevent things from ending the way it did. I am so incredibly grateful to God for placing the right people in my path during those dark days because it was really bad.

Going to First Friday adoration last weekend -- though I couldn't stay for the entire hour like I had planned -- was refreshing balm for my weary soul. Immersing myself in scripture, particularly the Psalms, has been the nourishment that has kept me from completely breaking down to the point of needing hospitalization. My regime as a Benedictine Oblate novice -- praying the Divine Office, doing Lectio Divina, and doing everything with God in mind -- has saved me from spiraling down into an even deeper depression.

Providentially, I received my Epiphany gift to myself on the day of the breakdown. That gift? A Benedictine crucifix -- a crucifix with a St. Benedict medal imbedded in it -- blessed and sent by the Benedictine monks at Clear Creek Abbey. It almost felt like God was saying, "Here. You're going to need this. Hold onto it and never forget that the crosses you bear will only bring you closer to Me." And it has felt that way.

Though I hit that wall, God has never been far from my mind. Though my mind might focus on the latest calamity for a minute, I've somehow managed to find God in it.

He's there with me in the arguments and anger, in the tears and sorrow, and in the attacks. He's there with me, reassuring me that it's all going to be okay. No saint went without their trials on this earth. While I'm nowhere near being a saint, I know that God never allows anything to happen which won't sanctify us. I know that if I have to go through this, it's all for a reason.

Perhaps I need to shed vanity, pride, and/or other vices I may have. Perhaps I need to atone for any past sins I might've committed. Perhaps I'm just called to endure suffering to offer it up for others, especially the Church. I don't know the reason (or reasons). I may never know them, but I have no doubt that God is going to use all of this for good because God is good all the time.

The story of Job has been on my mind these last couple of days. I am reminded of how I need to strive to stay faithful to God's commandments and always praise Him for the blessings He has given me, even during the most difficult moments of my life. And, it's not always easy. I've asked God why He has allowed this to happen; why I must suffer. It's a human response to it. I have my moments of "Well, I deserve it", unlike Job who was innocent of wrongdoings. But then I'm reminded that I am a beloved daughter of the Lord's. Just as my earthly father would've hated seeing me in pain and suffering from a broken heart, I know that God does not delight in seeing what is happening. But, as I said, I know that this is all happening for a reason so I accept it. That's when I take refuge in the Psalms, doing Lectio Divina; because I can always find some words of consolation from them.

Just how has my breakdown affected my relationship with God? It has only strengthened it to a degree I didn't know was possible. As I'm writing this, I've reached the point where I'm even grateful for the trials because they have only brought me closer to God.

I meant it when I said that I was prepared to give my heart to God, even if it had to break otherwise. If breaking me down -- making me hit the lowest of the low in a way I had never experienced -- is the way to help me be able to fully give myself to God, then I give thanks for the hardships. I want to belong fully to God and if it means that I have to "start over" (in a sense) from rock bottom then I'm prepared to do that.

After adoration last Friday, I got to chat with a fellow parishioner who helped me see things from a different perspective on one of the main causes of my breakdown. I saw the immense blessings that came from it. Then, as I was getting ready to leave, a ladybug landed on my back (which someone else pointed out because I obviously couldn't see it). It did not want to leave my side. The lovely part of these two things -- the chat and the ladybug -- was that it reminded me of Our Blessed Mother. After all, she was the one who interceded for me -- oh, if I could only tell y'all details of how she blessed me through this crummy situation! Also, legend has it that ladybugs were named after Our Blessed Mother after Catholic farmers asked her intercessions so... hard not to think about her. Having that ladybug on my back felt like Mama Mary saying she also had my back. Badda-tssss.

Things are still a mess. I still have to figure out how to heal, how to move forward, and how to work things out (e.g. the car and rent issues). I'm still very much hurting and fragile. I have to be very careful because I know another big things will push me over the edge and I don't want that to happen. Trust me, it can very easily go there but I have God and Our Lady on my side and I place all my trust in them.

Please, say a prayer for those involved because the two big causes are not pretty and they're not going to go away easily. I pray that those involved have their hearts and minds enlightened by the Holy Spirit to ensure that there is no more hurt inflicting on anyone. One of those people I can (and have) absolutely avoid; the other I cannot, despite everyone's best efforts to put a considerable amount of distance between the two of us.

It's been an incredibly difficult start to 2020 but I know that God will bring good out of this.

Anyway, I hope to write again soon and update y'all with (God willing) better news. For now, I just want to thank everyone who has prayed for me. You have all been in my prayers.

Always, thanks for reading and God bless. :)

Seriously, When Did I Grow Up and Become an Adult?

One of my best friends and I were talking about making up "grown up" decisions and how odd it was to think that we were now full grown adults. I've known him since we were teenagers so we've sort of grown up together. In a weird way, I still think of us as those teenagers who used to quote Kanye West's "Gold digger" in math class and of how he protected me from unwanted attention from an odd male classmate years ago. As he is preparing to finally settle down with his girlfriend (whom I am happy to say is the kind of girl I've been praying he would find; he's a real salt of the earth guy and deserved a great gal) and make life altering decisions, I'm starting to wonder when it was that I really grew up. Today I also received an email from an old friend, who was also the first guy I truly cared for (though things did not work out for us), that got me thinking about how I've changed. It was a bit odd but it made me realize how the decisions I've made in recent years have reflected the journey I've taken and how the journey has made me grow up without realizing it.

I won't go into details because it's not necessary to and because I'm notoriously private about certain parts of my personal life. But I am grateful that these two things have come up because I needed to reflect on them. God has been showing me, throughout the summer, things about myself that I didn't really realize had changed within me. Long gone is the teenage rebellion (some of my friends may laugh at this as I never really rebelled against my parents as a teenager) and the "need" to "show" that I was independent. The days of my being stuck in a relationship (whether it be romantic or platonic) that was not good for me, and my making excuses for the other person, ended a long time ago. I have no need or want (not that I ever did) for the drama or theatrics one in high school might employ when certain situations arise. Somewhere along the line I also stopped being everyone's doormat. While I still do give in and cave with certain things that end up being great for the person asking something of me and myself, I know when I'm being taken advantage of and I do try to stick up for myself as well as I am able despite my shyness and dislike of disagreements. The decisions I'm making up are showing that I've grown up and I have absolutely no idea when that happened.

In many ways I feel as if I haven't grown up completely. Maybe it's just in my head but the fact that I'm still living at home with my mom (though this is not unheard of in the Hispanic culture; many young women don't move out of their parents' home until they marry) and that I don't have too many responsibilities may have to do something with it. The fact that I haven't finished college yet (though I am 9 months from graduating) may also have something to do with it. Also, looking like I'm many years younger than I really am doesn't help. :) In other ways I feel I matured faster than some of my peers. Instead of having a husband and children to take care of, I've taken care of my parents. In the last couple of weeks of my father's life, I was the one who made the decisions for him and even had to sign off on them. After my dad passed, I've taken over some of the responsibilities he had including driving my mom to work in the wee hours of the morning and making some of household decisions. I take care of my mother when she is ill (and it's becoming more frequent as she's getting older.) I help run this household which is my first real taste of what it to come when I have my own family. I have the "housewife" responsibilities that are preparing me for the future.

Of course I've gone through rites of passage that have "shown" that I've grown up. I celebrated my quinceañera (sweet 15) by having a small, intimate dinner instead of a massive party. I graduate high school (though I did that a little earlier than expected). I registered to vote on the day I turned 18. I've been summoned for jury duty. I turned 21 and thus became old enough to drink (though I still haven't and have no desire to). I went to (and am about to enter my final year at) college. I finally got my driver's license. I've fallen in love (though only once and quite recently). I've gotten my heart broken in the past. I've held down jobs to support myself and help contribute to the household. etc etc.

I don't know. It's a strange thing to realize. I know that at my age (I just turned 26 at the end of May) I'm technically an adult but I know that age does not actually say whether we've grown up or not. Anyway, I'm sort of "thinking" out loud here. I haven't really seen blogs with these kinds of posts so I thought I'd share the little epiphanies I've had in the past couple of days. The Rosary novena and time off with God has done all of this and I am glad. :)

I won't bore y'all anymore. I've written all I could possibly write without being too redundant. ;) I hope y'all had a great weekend and will have a great week. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless. :D

My Real Education Starts

If you're following me on twitter then you've undoubtedly seen my struggles with school this past year. I barely made it out alive this past semester with a 3.0. It was by far the most stressful and infuriating semester I've had my entire academic career... but I gained more out of it than I have any other semester. I've been openly rebelling against my professors because I don't agree with the liberation theology taught. I'm sorry but I just can't go along with what I know will only led me astray from God. However, looking back at the school year and particularly this Spring semester, I noticed a change in me that I did not like. Though my actions were in response to my being unhappy with my education, I realize that I should have handled myself and my actions differently. I should have been more charitable in my thoughts and words. I don't know why I didn't realize that I'd been doing it earlier but it's never too late to repair these things. :D

Of course it didn't help that some of my friends were doing the same and it was easy to get caught up in criticizing the choice of material being taught, but it doesn't excuse me from the fact that I should have never done that (criticize) in the first place because I should've known better. Yes, my professors do and teach a number of inexcusable material that can easily lead my classmates astray but I shouldn't have been bratty (at least inwardly if I didn't act it out) about it. I did have some patience (though not as much as I have had in the past) and I tried but I didn't try hard enough. I learned the hard way that, as much as I'd like to open up the discussions in class, I will get shut down 85% of the time because it's sort of an unwritten rule that we cannot contradict what is being taught. All of this brought out frustration and anger but it's something I have to live with for another year.

It's a bit humbling to get docked points on things for not agreeing with professors. It's really hard not to think "you are so wrong" when you hear things that are being skewed in order to fit a person's argument. It's worse to know that you are yourself changing because of the situation are in. During Lent I had a very hard time with all of this but, like I said, I believe all of this has helped me really learn a lot about things about myself... things I know I can change.

I'm in the middle of purging all material that I was pretty much forced to "learn." All the notes and things that aren't graded (keep all graded material for at least a year after you finish that semester) are going straight to the bin. It's part of my late Spring cleaning but it's entirely therapeutic. I'm going to go through a kind of period of renewal. I've realized things that need to change and I'm making a real effort to follow through with my plans. While throwing away material and trying to forget everything I was "taught", I'm going through some of the books I bought when I first returned to the Church -- you know, kind of restarting my real education once again. As I said before, there are people that know more about our beautiful Faith than I do and I have a lot left to learn. Though I know I will not be able to say anything in class (oh, the death glares I got when I said I was pro-life and against certain things during one final...), especially since I am pretty much done with my Religious Studies major courses, it's good to be keep learning and keep yourself to God through the knowledge you acquire.

As my summer vacation starts, so does my real education. I know I will, from time to time, be so excited about what I learn that I will share it on this blog. :D Consider this your warning. :D

Anyway, I should really try to finish cleaning up my desk area which has piles of papers and books scattered around it. Well, to be honest, everything is in piles because I sort things before I put them away. I'm very organized when I am not crazy busy. :D

I hope y'all are having a great week thus far. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless.

God is Truly Amazing: A Late Night Epiphany.

I don't think we realize (or really think about) just how amazing God is until after He reveals something to us. Just as I am coming back from that inner struggle between apathy and wanting to move on and enjoy life to the fullest, God has shown me that He IS with me and that, thanks to His divine grace, I am exactly where and who I want to be. I want to cry tears of joy just thinking about it.

Out of sheer curiosity I looked up an old friend whom I used to count as a best friend. Without going into the gory details, our friendship ended around the time I got really sick, right before I returned to the Church. It didn't end well. She badmouthed me to anyone who would listen, dragging my name and reputation through the mud. How someone could go from telling you she appreciated you for who you were to being the opposite... well, I don't know. I don't remember what caused me to look her up but I am glad I did because God was able to show me what I needed to see.

Not only is she still holding a grudge against me, which is justified... I guess (this is the "I probably deserved it" mentality I've grown to have), she is still badmouthing me. This is YEARS after our friendship ended. My heart pounded, my anxiety reached a 10, and I wanted to cry. How could I have ended a friendship that would cause so much pain; pain that would ultimately cause someone to say so many hurtful (and often times, untrue) things about me? After the initial shock, I had an epiphany. If I hadn't gotten sick and subsequently rejected the path I was going on, I would've wound up in a place I would've hated. I don't want to think about what sins I would've been tempted to do.

I am not going to sit here and criticize her. I refuse to take that road. Despite what she's done and said, I have forgiven her and pray that God forgives her too. Lord, she may not truly know what she's really doing. I've seen the path she has gone down on, the path I would've continued going down on, and it's not pretty. I have never been so thankful for my illness as I am at this moment.

I've often said that I find my illness (anxiety/panic disorder) a blessing because it brought me closer to God. I am now even more grateful that God allowed me to see, through this late night/early morning epiphany, that He is incredibly merciful. If I had continued down the path I was on, I would be someone entirely different from the person y'all know today.

Can you imagine me cussing up a storm? Dressing immodestly? Jumping from guy to guy (though still not sleeping with them; that was one thing I've never had an interest in doing)? I would've probably also still abstained from smoking, doing drugs, and drinking (three other things I've never had any interest in) but I could've done other worse things. Lying to keep people liking me? Lying to my parents about what I was doing and with whom? Slowly poisoning my mind with lustful thoughts that could've easily made it into my mind and sight? Supporting things like abortion (which I have never supported) and other things liberals are passionate about? I feel sick to think that could've been me right now. At the same time I'm eternally grateful I was able to avoid that. Thank you, Lord, from keeping me from that!!!

It's nearly 4 a.m. and I should go to sleep so I'll say this one last thing: be thankful for every experience God gives you. You know the saying, "What doesn't kill me will only make me stronger?" It's true. I've survived so much (including malicious gossip and negative people) and I'd like to think I came out a stronger person because of it. And I owe it all to God who is truly amazing!

That's all for now. It's way past my bedtime. ;) I hope y'all have a wonderful Sunday. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless.