The Demolition Continues: Forgiveness Edition

Within a minute of getting home, I knew what I had to do: hole myself up in my room until he left. It was the safest option after such a shock. 

The feelings? Surprise, anxiety, and (eventually) anger and resentment.

The cause? Someone from my past (who I had avoided seeing at all costs) having the guts to show up at my home, unannounced, after more than a decade of having no communication with him. Oh, and anger at a neighbor who didn't know the situation and called him back (as he was nearly out of the front gate) when she saw me arriving home. She apologized afterward when she was made aware of why this person is not welcomed at my home.

I hate surprises, especially unpleasant ones. Yet, there I found myself, texting friends and asking them to pray that this person would leave my apartment as quickly as possible. I didn't leave my bedroom until I felt it was safe to do so, leaving my poor mother to do all the entertaining. I couldn't fake cordiality. I felt robbed of my peace and I was angry. Seething angry. It takes a lot for me to get that angry but, goodness, I was.

I won't go into too many details about who he was or what he did but let's just say he caused a lot of damage to not only me but my relationship with my father. It was due to his untruths that my father and I had a strained relationship for a long time; one that remained so until this person was caught in his own lies and my father redirected his anger towards him. After my father's death, he tried to do more damage with untruths but, again, he was caught and that severed any hopes of a relationship.

I honestly thought I had forgiven him over the years; that I no longer held any resentment towards him... until he showed up. He knew I didn't want to see him. My brothers had warned him, repeatedly, over the years. His calls went unanswered for years. Yet, he chose to show up and, basically, try to force me to see and talk to him. Nope. Sorry, buddy. Not happening. I guess I hadn't forgiven him after all.

I don't want to hold grudges against anyone. I want to be able to forgive people. I thought I had forgiven everyone who had hurt me... with the exception of the person who hurt me the most, recently. But that wound is still fresh so it'll take me some time to be able to not flinch when someone mentions them. Still, God has shown me that I haven't forgiven the person who showed up at my home... and that I need to. After all, no one can get to Heaven if they're unforgiving of someone who has done them wrong and I sincerely want to spend all eternity with God in Heaven.

I know it won't be easy. I can see (now that the anger has subsided) that God will use this situation to help me move towards forgiveness. I want to forgive him -- and, God willing, I will -- but I'm going to need a lot of help to do so. Enter: me pleading with God for the grace to do so because I can't on my own.

I was telling my mom (after he left) that I feel like I can forgive him... if I never have to see him again. It sounds so petty and uncharitable but I feel like it would be easier for me to be able to forgive him if I never saw him again. I don't want a relationship with him because of the damage he inflicted on my father and I. I also don't trust him to be honest and I cannot have any type of relationship with someone I don't trust. No, it would be best if I can work on forgiving him without having any contact with him again. 

Before you ask why I thought it was best for me to stay in my room: it was the most charitable thing I could do at that moment. I could've either stayed in my room (which I did) or I could've been incredibly rude because (as any of my friends will attest) I cannot fake what I'm feeling. You can just see what I'm thinking and feeling on my face. 

And, yes, I know that I failed at the Benedictine pillar of being hospitable but I was more concerned with my emotional and mental wellbeing at that moment. Imagine seeing someone who had caused a lot of hurt over the years after more than a decade of having nothing to do with them; after their being told you wanted nothing to do with them and their decision to still try it. Not very pleasant, friends. Thankfully, I had the excuse that I had a deadline and an article to write to make it slightly less rude. It was the truth. I had been planning on getting straight to work after Mass and an errand I needed to take my mom on since the previous night. I did excuse myself -- busying myself, writing the latest article while I waited for him to leave -- so, at least, I was able to speak the (non-angry) truth and not be a total jerk to him.

The kicker is that this all happened on the same day that a Mass was offered for me at my home parish. The Mass, which was requested by an anonymous person, was offered for my health and happiness. Yes, those exact words. And. yes, we attended said Mass. I even found a St. Philomena prayer placard someone had left for parishioners to take before we left, which I got excited over. I'm going to take a guess that it was St. Philomena's way of reminding me of both my vocation discernment and of her help if anything big (like this) happens. 

Hmm, this all happened roughly two hours after the Mass had ended. I don't blame God for it (nor am I angry with Him; no reason to be)... but I don't think it's a coincidence either. Remember the last post in which I said that my heart is yearning to belong solely to God? Perhaps, this is yet another thing I must work on; forgiving others so that my heart can belong more fully to Him. It would make sense. How can I love him if I can't love my worst enemy (and this person is as close as one gets to being considered an enemy of mine)?

I guess the demolition continues. As awful as it was (and it took me hours -- and about half of a 1000-piece jigsaw puzzle solved -- afterward for me to feel calm again), I know God will use it for my own benefit. So, let's keep going, God. If You need to keep tearing me down and make me confront unpleasant things so that I can become the woman You want me to be, I won't fight it. I might grumble at first (as it is still the knee-jerk reaction) but I'll accept it and try to learn from it. Your will, not mine.

I'm not sure how long it'll take me to forgive this person but I'm going to try hard. I'm going to take this to prayer and have many, many conversations with God during my time in front of the tabernacle and Blessed Sacrament. I'm going to ask our Blessed Mother and St. Philomena for their help as well. I'm going to do all I can and ask God to help me because I need a boatload of grace to help me reach that goal of forgiveness. After all, anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die; it's just not good for the soul.

Anyway, just another little hiccup that I wanted to share on this journey. Maybe it'll help someone... or have someone share any tips that might've helped them if they were in the same boat. 

Please say a prayer for me as I begin to try to forgive and heal from this massive wound I didn't know I still had.

I hope y'all are having a good week thus far.

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!

P.S. Thank you for the prayers for Mom and I over the weekend. Two major decisions were made after it was clear that they were the best options and we will be acting on them as soon we're able to.