A Virgin Martyr, an ER Trip, and an Earthquake

*takes out a white flag and slowly comes out of hiding spot*

Is it safe? Can I come out now?

My goodness, yesterday was a nightmare and a half. Nothing went as planned but, then again, nothing has been going according to plan these past 3 weeks. My screen-free plans? They've been going just "okay." Not as strict as I would've liked because of all the hiccups that have been going on and my need for my cell phone (lots of calls and prayer requests via Hootsuite).

What would've I have wanted to do yesterday? Catch up on emails, read more of the Oblate manual (I've fallen behind schedule due to all the craziness that's been happening lately), relax for a little bit, and immerse myself in Scripture. The perfect ending to the day would've been reading And You Are Christ by Fr. Thomas Dubay, recommended for those discerning consecrated virginity. It would've been fitting since it was the feast of St. Agnes of Rome. After reading her story, I felt a kinship to her. To avoid trouble, I'll leave it at that. I thought about what a perfect day it would've been to spend contemplating on my vocation and the possibility of my heart belonging solely to Him; to say, like St. Agnes, "I will have none other spouse but Him, I will seek none other." I'll have to update y'all on this soon. Let's just say that I keep meeting opposition and lack of support but that isn't deterring me from moving forward.

In between all of that I had planned on going to urgent care to get the numbness of my left side looked at and then head to the dentist because my molar had started to give me problems. It was supposed to be a little busy but not a crazy day. Ha!

I'd been having the numbness on and off since Saturday morning but I wasn't too concerned. I figured it was either an allergic reaction (though a strange one since it was only one side of my mouth; the side I don't chew on) or it might've been a molar infection (yep, same molar since September) that was creating pressure on the nerves because it was mostly near the area of the molar that was going numb. Still, I was advised by the after-hours doctor (at midnight; after the numbness began increasing in frequency) to go to urgent care to get it checked out "just in case."

I went to urgent care but they immediately sent me to the ER because numbness on one side of the face can have one of the symptoms for a stroke. I didn't think it was one -- nor did the after-hours doctor -- because I didn't have any facial drooping or other stroke symptoms but I did what I was told. So, I went to the ER and they got me into a room immediately. I thought it was going to be a quick-ish trip (they never last more than 3-4 hours) but the CAT scan machines were down so I was there for almost 6 hours. It wouldn't have been a problem except I was praying I would get out in time to see my dentist before they closed for the day... and until Thursday.

And if you're wondering, yes, I'm still having dental issues. Remember the whole issue with the shady dentist's office? "Thanks" to them, a root canal was denied by my insurance at my regular dentist's office. We can't even afford to get ourselves a new car to get around so I can't afford to pay for the root canals out of pocket. (side note: the generous GoFundMe campaign helped us get money for my mom's pre-dawn transportation to work but after the cut GoFundMe took for themselves and the $500 repairs we did on my car to help us get two more months-worth of rides from my car, we don't have enough to get a decent car. Even used cars are expensive in L.A.; we're looking at a $3500-$4000 estimate for a car that will last us a while.) I was supposed to get the molar pulled last month but my usual dentist ended up backing out, saying she didn't want to risk any complications with my low platelets even though my hematologist had signed off on it in November. I've been waiting since to get the referral to the specialist.

I went to get my referral last week when my molar started randomly throbbing, but they still made me wait a week because they were trying to figure out a way to help me with my insurance and to lower the out-of-pocket costs as much as possible. Well, it still got infected in the meantime because the temporary filling from September had worn down and they refused to put in another one, hence the numbness. They just kept saying, "Oh, just come in if it starts hurting and we'll just give you an antibiotic." That was exactly what I was trying to avoid because of how sensitive my stomach is. To quote the ER nurse yesterday, "Ugh. I don't know why dental offices do that!"

So, I prayed the Memorare emergency novena while waiting to get my CT scan results back, praying that I would get out of there in time to see the dentist. Thankfully, the novena worked and the ER doctor seems to have put pressure on the radiology department -- no stroke or anything of concern with the CT scan. The numbness is likely due to a dental abscess. My platelets dropped a considerable amount in less than 2 months as did my red blood count but I seemed healthy overall.

I was able to get out of the ER with 45 minutes to spare and took an Uber to my dentist's office. I got there in time... but I didn't get checked out. I was assured I would be seen but wasn't. Instead, the dentist just prescribed an antibiotic for the infection; apparently, all he could do for me. I'm like 85% sure the infection needs to be drained but they didn't so... let's just hope that the antibiotic will be enough until I can get the molar extracted.

We spent a lot on Uber transportation yesterday -- from my house to urgent care... to the ER... to the dentist's office... back to my apartment because I was in no condition to walk the mile back, especially at night in our not-so-safe neighborhood. There was also the expense of my mom taking it to the ER from work. Thankfully, my next-door neighbor was kind enough to drive me to get my antibiotics at the local pharmacy to avoid more expenses. That's just a bit more we chipped away from our new-to-us car savings but it was all necessary. Instead of bemoaning the costs, I'm giving thanks to God that the generosity of others helped us have the means to get to the hospital and back. Money can be saved up again but health is harder to recover.

Oh! If the day didn't sound crazy enough, it ended with a strong jolt during the last half hour or so of the day. It wasn't a big earthquake -- only a 3.6 -- but since we're not too far from the epicenter, we felt it a bit strongly. My mom was already asleep at that point and I was contemplating eating a little more to take the antibiotic when it struck. Needless to say, she lost sleep and I had to start my antibiotics today because of the lost time. Never a dull moment around here, eh?

Of course, me being me, I keep thinking about what God is trying to say to me during all of this; what He's trying to teach me. I'm reminded of what I've felt God has been saying to me during the silent moments: "Do what you know is right, good, and true." While in the ER, I was also able to meditate on the Divine Office readings and just how much St. Agnes trusted in the Lord despite all the hardships she endured prior to her martyrdom and that gave me peace of mind and heart.

I also think about how word of the year was "active" and how I feel like I should be more proactive in taking charge of my things instead of letting others decide for me; of letting to of, well, fear of being disrespectful by being more insistent. In this case, I probably should've been trying to pressure the dentist to get me that referral sooner or I should've gone elsewhere for help sooner.

Maybe all of this is happening because God is trying to show me that, while it's good to trust people and think the best of them, that I should also be on top of my things because I can't always rely on others. I should try to do as much as I can and ask God to help me with what I can't do on my own because only He has my best interest at heart.

Maybe I've been too trusting and that makes me more vulnerable to people who don't have the best intentions; I've always been a magnet for those types. This could be a lesson that the only One I can trust is Him and thus I should strengthen my relationship with Him.

Or perhaps these are things that are happening because I need more change and more closure -- a change of dentist, a change of my primary doctor, and finding a different mechanic because they all seem to have written me off lately. Maybe this all part of God's plans for a new beginning for my life, whether it be here or somewhere else. It seems that I've been tying up a lot of "loose ends" in L.A. lately and it's looking more and more like I'm going to (finally!) end up leaving the only hometown I've ever known. Even my next-door neighbor (the same one who took me to the pharmacy last night) offered to buy my car (yes, completely unusable as is; he has the funds to put more work into it as it only has 123k miles on it and the engine is still seemingly good) so if I needed to get rid of it to be able to move to another state, it would be done without problem.

Whatever it is that God has in store for me, I'm here for it. I'm still trying to figure out how to forgive the person who triggered a mini-relapse a week ago and mean it. I feel like I've forgiven him but that's how I felt last time and I obviously hadn't. Thankfully, I have a spiritual direction meeting coming up in a couple of weeks so I hope to get somewhere. In the meantime, I guess I'll keep offering up all these hard lessons and trying to stay afloat.

To say that my family has had a difficult start of the year would be an understatement. It seems like Mom and I are taking turns in who is dealing with difficult issues every couple of days. However, I believe that we're both going through these things because God has some amazing things in store for us. Whether we're atoning for sins, shedding things that keep us from him, or we're being prepared for something greater, only God knows. What I do know is that I completely trust in Him and that He is allowing this all to happen for the good of my soul.

Anyway, I just wanted to update y'all who might've been wondering what was going on with all the recent prayer requests. Trust me, I wouldn't have sent them if I didn't feel they were needed. Yes, even the prayer request to have my spiritual director return back home was necessary. His car was breaking down (parts of his car were literally falling off) and we were worried about his safety. And, no. I haven't logged in to social media since January 1st so if you're replying to my prayer request (being sent through Hootsuite), I won't get a chance to see or even answer them for about week and a half.

I hope y'all are having a much better time than I am. lol.

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

I Hate This... But I'll Do it For You, God.

Have you ever hated doing something so much but you knew/felt like it was God's will for you so you just pushed through it, tears and all? That's where I am right now.

I seem to have an emotional breakdown every 2-3 weeks while I'm studying. I get tired of working hard and not have it go well. It's usually due to lack of concentration and mental fog... or lack to time to study properly. There is one class that usually brings out the tears: the notorious (and universally despised amongst my coursemates) second hardest course of the program.

Wait, second hardest?! you may be asking. Yes, this isn't even the hardest course. That one is waiting for me next semester. Send paper bags to Melissa Cecilia at... lol.

I would be lying if I said that I wish I could quit. I mean, I can quit -- no one is forcing me to stay in this program -- but I've chosen not to quit because this seems to be what God has in store for me. Every time I feel like I won't pass an exam... like I didn't have enough time... like I don't have it in me to continue, God shows me otherwise.

I miraculously passed both of my exams this past weekend. For Saturday's class, I literally only had that day to study because of some circumstances beyond my control (I ended up in the emergency room for crazy palpitations which I had for three days in a row last week) and I had my highest exam grade of the semester. I knew Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati (whose picture I keep on my desk) interceded for me because I had zero confidence going into the exam.

I'm sure I will want to quit again before the semester is over and/or before graduation, if I make it through this and next semester. This program has really tested me in many ways... but I think that's why God wants me to keep going. Even if I end up doing something else after graduation, pushing through my self-doubt, beyond my comfort level, and willingly pushing myself through all of this while dealing with a number of other things is doing me a lot of good.

For one thing, this is helping me practice trusting God more. It's far easier to say that you trust God than to actually do it, especially when things look bleak. I keep reminding myself, "if this is what God wants from me, He will make sure I can accomplish what needs to be done to keep going forward." As I've said, He's shown me (more than once) that this is the path He wants me to take so I do it. I may take a couple of minutes to cry and complain about how much I hate this program but, once it's out of my system, I wipe away the tears and continue watching the lecture videos or doing the assignment that has caused the latest round of frustration.

For another thing, God is showing me that I'm much stronger than I think I am... but it's all done with His help. I know I haven't been able to overcome some of the more depressing and frustrating moments of the semester without His help. I can't do anything worth doing without His help. I know He gives me the fortitude and the graces to continue. Do I deserve them? I may not think so but He gives them to me anyway (yes, I know it's because He loves me) and for that I am grateful.

You know, I feel very spoiled in the area of hardships. I've been a very fortunate gal who hasn't had the hardships others have had. Yes, I've experienced a lot of things that I'm not sharing, but either my optimistic nature has made me focus on the silver linings of these situations and that's diminished the severity of them or I truly haven't been tested like others have. Either way, I feel like this is really testing me in ways I haven't known before and it's helping to shape me into a (God willing) better version of myself. I feel like this is preparing better for my vocations (career and the big-V vocation) which is always a blessing.

Has anyone ever been through something similar? Finding yourself in an overwhelming situation that you could potentially get yourself out of but choosing to see it through because you knew/felt like it was God's will for you to continue until the end? How did you persevere?

Those are my thoughts for now. I have a chance to do lecture videos and do an exam for a course a week early so I'm going to try to do that... as soon as I catch up on the days worth of emails that have accumulated in my inbox. I'm behind on emails, NaNoWriMo (yes, I'm participating; no, it's not something a sane person would do), and a couple of things that have been neglected in the past couple of days in favor of studying for exams.

I hope y'all had a great weekend and have been having a great week thus far.

If you're doing the 54-day Rosary novena along with us, let me know how it's going thus far. My apologies for the inability to tag y'all in the FB page; apparently Facebook changed some things since last year and I'm unable to tag most of you, unlike last year. Keep going! We're already a week into it. ;)

That's it for now. As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

... Then I Ended Up in the E.R....

On Monday afternoon -- after I wrote the last blog post -- my toothaches (yes, it became plural) were so terrible that I asked to be squeezed in by a local dentist to get checked out in the case of an infection. I went in and he couldn't find anything wrong. No infection. Nothing stuck in between the teeth. No cavities. There was nothing from a dental POV that could cause such a pain. I left the office with only the suggestion to brush and floss as I have been doing. The pain has come and gone since, with the last two days giving me some of the worst pain.

Yesterday, I woke up feeling fine but the pain came back with a vengeance while Mom and I were out running errands. The pain was so excruciating that my lightheadedness got worse. While in line to pay for something, I sudden felt like I couldn't breathe. I had had a tightening of chest since I had woken up. Between the pain, the lightheadedness, and everything else, it was decided that I need to go to the E.R. in just case it was something else.

At the E.R. they did the standard tests -- EKG, blood work, chest x-ray. They checked my vital signs and oxygen intake; everything was good. My white blood count (which was abysmal) was almost twice as high as the last time they checked. It was within normal range though on the low end because I had a cold virus a week ago. My platelets took a slight dip but were still within normal range. I gained a bit of weight and continue to be within my normal range, though they had to double check because the nurse who took my vitals when I first arrived had said I had lost 20 lbs; that was obviously an error. The only two not-so-great things that came back from my blood work were that my sodium was just slightly low only .01 under normal range) and I'm still slightly anemic (though the iron and red blood count are higher than they were in October). The doctor mentioned some possible wheezing (though we can't hear anything) but said that there was nothing of concern that she could see. I mentioned the pain that I was getting but said she didn't want to give me any antibiotics (for a possible sinus infection) because I had no fever.

I got home, satisfied that it was going to be okay. Oh sweet, optimistic Emmy. Wrong! I didn't go to sleep until nearly 3:30 a.m. because the horrendous pain returned, as did the feeling like I couldn't breathe. The pain went away for an hour before it returned again and I lost more sleep. While trying to stay as calm as possible despite my tiredness, I went back and put the pieces of the puzzle together -- I've felt like I can't breathe only when the pain is so bad that I feel like crying. Also, the pain is usually accompanied by pressure in the back of the right side eye (which tears up), up to that same side of my sinus cavity. Ah, it's sinus pain. All of this pain is because of my sinus is being a jerk. Awesome.

Nothing is helping too much and I'm limited when it comes to what pain medication I can take because of my platelets. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow morning to see if they can help prescribe something a bit stronger that I can tolerate and not have to worry about my platelets being lowered in the process. Right now I'm limited to Tylenol as both Aleve and Tylenol lower platelets... and OTC Tylenol sometimes isn't strong enough for intense pain. Hopefully, I can get more relief tomorrow since I'm tired of losing sleep from the pain, which randomly pops up throughout the day (and, now, night).

I've been trying to offer up the pain for the souls in purgatory and for friends whom could benefit from it. I try to pray through the pain. Last night, while praying the Sorrowful mysteries of the Holy Rosary, I thought to meditate on the pain that Christ endured and think about how my pain is nothing compared to what He endured. Still, the pain gets so bad that (at times) I can only selfishly focus on it and how much I wish I had relief. In a way, it's good that I'm going through this now because it brings my focus back on Lent and His passion. It makes me think about how my fears are selfish and how I lack trust in Him when I fail to do something because of them. It makes me feel guilty that I haven't attended Mass; just an hour (or so) per week to give thanks for all the good things in my life. It also puts a lot of things into perspective, which is good during this liturgical season.

I'm grateful that this is happening during Spring Break, after my last big exam, and before my schedule gets crazy busy again. I'm grateful that, despite not getting pain relief at the hospital last night (I didn't have the pain so bad while I was there), I still got the good news that some areas of my health had improved... and even got tips from both the nurse and the doctor regarding a number of things that will help me get healthier quicker and for longer periods of time; some I hadn't heard from my regular doctor. I'm also incredibly grateful to my friends who've prayed for me and who've been patient with my "I'm in so much pain! This stinks!" texts. I'm a baby when it comes to being in pain when it exceeds my (pretty high) pain tolerance level.

I guess this Lent's theme is shaping up to be on focusing on Christ's pain and what that means to me... and what I can do to improve myself. This sinus pain began (very tolerable) on Ash Wednesday and has increased as the days have passed, especially since Sunday. AnneMarie's comment (on the last blog post) about learning to be flexible with my Lenten plans is something I shall have to keep in mind. Whilst I had my own plans for what I wanted this Lent to be, God seems to have other plans for me... and I'm perfectly willing to follow the path He wants me to take.

Anyway, I hope everyone is having a less adventurous Lent than I've been having thus far. Seriously, it's only been a week in and I've already dealt with more things (several of which I'm keeping private) in these past 8 days when I did all of 2016. I can feel my jaw (on my right side) becoming more sore -- it's been sore since I woke up late this morning and have had a bit of trouble eating -- and the tooth pain is starting again so I'm going to watch the season finale of PBS's Victoria while I try to take it easy.

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :)