I'm three days away from the end of my self-imposed digital detox month and I'm utterly dreading it. I mean, technically, I can stay off social media indefinitely but I really can't due to work. I've already had work-related issues due to my inability to be active on social media. I promised one of my editors that I would return to social media after this weekend because of that problem. Insert sigh here.
Note to self: if God ever wants me to take up a different career path, ask that it's one where I don't need to use social media for said job. Yes, His will be done, not mine, but it can't hurt to ask nonetheless. More on this in a bit.
I'm not dreading returning to social media because of the content but because of two big reasons:
1) I know I'm still having trouble exercising moderation...
and
2) I need the disconnect for the sake of my humility.
The first is a fear of returning and not having the willpower to not get sucked into it again. Moderation is the next thing I'm tackling in my quest to become a better version of myself and my return to social media is going to seriously test that. I have been having issues moderating a lot of things in my life, including the good things. In a nutshell, I get so laser-focused on and into something that I have problems stopping to do something else. It can be reading a good book, listening to a podcast or audiobook, writing, etc. I never noticed what a big problem it was until I was forced to really look at myself and see where my weaknesses are.
Actually, no. I take that back. I noticed it just once before: when I get "in the zone" when working on my latest novel and I forget to eat or drink because I'm so focused on getting everything down before I forget the idea that's in my head. However, I thought it was just an issue when I worked on novels. It took this detox to see that, nope, it's something that is a reoccurring issue and one I need to address.
As a Benedictine Oblate novice, I know I need to work on moderation because that's what St. Benedict prescribes in the Holy Rule. That's why our motto is Ora et labora -- prayer and work. We can't just focus on a single thing. We need that balance. And one of the biggest things I need to work on is not to do too much. Even doing too much is frowned upon. I think most (non-religious) people today would think that St. Benedict's Rule is too soft or useless because he actually advises against the workaholic and busyness tendencies that are so prevalent in our society. If you're not constantly doing something, that judgment (whether real or imagine) is there. Instead, moderation is advised. Work, prayer, leisure, food, etc. should be done in moderation. It's wonderful advice and I highly recommend reading the Rule even if you're not attracted to the Benedictine spirituality.
So, yes, I'm dreading it because I know I'm still a weakling when it comes to moderation but there is an even greater dread: the lack of humility that may come with it.
See, being on social media contributes to one's egoism... or, at least, it does to me. Yes, words of affirmation is my second love language (after quality time) but sometimes the compliments are a little too, well, ego-inflating. To be completely honest, sometimes the compliments go to my head even when I don't want them to. I recognize that God has given me a gift for words but having too many compliments isn't healthy for me. That's why I think I've loved being away from social media. Nothing seeing how many "likes" a tweet or shared link gets -- and not knowing who has liked it or who hasn't bothered -- is amazingly freeing.
Furthermore, not being so hyper-connected helped me see just how few friends I actually have. There were probably only half a dozen people with whom I had regular contact with over this break. People who I thought would stay in touch -- people whose contact information I asked for and who I gave my information to -- have been absent these last 29 days. Do you know how humbling it is to realize how many people don't actually care about what's going on with you? It's fantastic! Yes, I truly mean that.
It's done me a world of good to see how completely and utterly unimportant I am. For all I know, only I will ever read this blog post... and that's okay. In fact, that takes a lot of pressure off of me because I don't feel like people expect me to write or be something that I'm not. It's also made me realize that what I truly want is to live my life in the way that I believe God wants for me and to not care about what others think.
As I've already mentioned in Ch-ch-changes: Reflections and Changes Following My Digital Detox Month, I'm changing the way I use social media for my own good. There are three big changes I'm implementing:
1. I will check social media only once a day, twice a week. I'm serious. I'll check in on Sundays and on Thursdays... and only for a total half hour each time. Trust me, I've come to see just how little I actually need social media. I'll most likely check at the end of the day, too.
2. I will only post as necessary; as I have been doing during the digital detox. Not only will I be cognizant of how often I post...
3. I'm also going to be more careful about what I communicate. Silence and only speaking when necessary are instructed in the Rule. As I had mentioned in the Ch-ch-changes post, my beloved Monks of Norcia have adopted this practice. I've seen the fruits of it, not just with the monks but also with the graces that have flowed out to us Oblates (and Oblate novices) as a result. I told y'all they were the perfect fit (read: spiritual community) for me.
I want to remind myself how little and unimportant I am to everyone else. I know that God loves and cares about me -- that I'm not unimportant to Him -- but that's not egotistic. His love isn't just for me. He doesn't love me more than anyone else. He loves everyone; desires the salvation of the souls of all humanity, even those who reject Him. Thinking about things this way is humbling, in a good way. I understand why so many young men and women enter monasteries and convents (or become hermits) where they desire to be forgotten by the world. To only think about serving others and doing your duties for God and out of the love you have for Him is the only way to live if you ask me. Alas, I'm sadly not called to religious life but, hey, consecrated virginity is still a possibility. Marriage and motherhood would also allow me to do this but I've honestly begun hoping that I'm called to consecrated virginity.
Earlier in the post, I mentioned something about a possible career change. Lately, I've been wondering if God is perhaps calling me to do something other than writing while still using the gift of words He gave me. There is one career that would allow me to do this; one which would allow me to help others in a way I can't with writing. No one but the people with whom I would directly work with would know about this, too. It would be a big change -- and I would need to get myself into more student-loan debt to achieve it -- so I'm going to spend a lot of time in prayer before I make a decision. It's not going to be a decision I make anytime soon. I want to give myself time to spend many Holy Hours in front of the Blessed Sacrament to pray about it and talk to God about it.
Yes, I would still write, even if it's just my blog, novels, and the odd article here and there. I don't think I could ever stop writing; it's in my very nature to always write, even if no one reads it. (side note: I love getting physical notebooks for a reason). The more I fall in love with Christ and the bigger the desire to die to myself, to serve others, and to be thoughts insignificant by the world, the more this route makes sense. But, as always, we'll see if it's God's will for me. Perhaps He wants me to keep writing or do something else. This is why I need the time to think and pray.
Anyway, just some thoughts that have been bouncing around in my mind. There is another post I'm really excited to post but I'm saving that for St. Agatha's feast day. You (if anyone else reads it, that is) will see why I waited until her feast day to share it.
That's it for now. I hope y'all have had a good week thus far. :D
As always, thanks for reading and God bless. :)
5 comments:
So much of this resonates with me, and so strongly. I dropped off of social media over six months ago now, and the spiritual benefits were real. Reading through the Rule of St. Benedict bit by bit every day, with accompanying commentary (the commentary for oblates you've seen on my goodreads), I've been similarly struck by how difficult social media makes it to practice silence & humility. The applause and commendations made it *very* easy for me to believe that I was doing good things in the service of God, while the quiet and stillness of stepping away exposed me to myself. I think that while I had a general desire to witness to God's beauty & love through social media, a lot of my particular actions were motivated by vainglory. That can happen in real life, too, I imagine, but I find it's much harder, because other people encounter something other than my best side on a frequent basis!
I've always enjoyed reading your posts, but lately even more so... that Benedictine lens is so inspiring and relatable to me! I find an echo of everything going on in my own soul, and while it looks less and less likely that I'll be affiliated with Norcia when the time is right for me to become an Oblate, I still consider you a sister through our Father Benedict, and always think of and pray for you as I study the Rule & pray the Office. God bless you! ♥
You're definitely one of those to whom I look to when it comes to this -- to getting away from social media. I recently returned and I already regret it! I'm seriously contenplating changing careers just to no longer need social media; to have a legitimate reason to delete my accounts, especially Twitter. I agree that this vain glory can be found offline but people know better and that's humbling.
Are you leaning more towards a particular monastery to attach yourself to as an Oblate? And, yes. Despite not belonging to the same community, we're still (or will be) part of the Benedictine family and are therefore both sisters in Christ and through our Father Benedict. You're always in my prayers as well. ❤️
At this point Norcia & Clear Creek are both appealing to me, being more traditional. We're in such a transitional period of life right now that I'll have to wait a couple years before investigating further, and I also have to gather more info about the policy for annual retreats when I'm still at the period of life where small dependent babies & children make getaways very difficult. I feel such a deep desire for it, though! It's only a matter of time. I try to live in the spirit of an Oblate even though I'm not formally attached.
Both are excellent choices. Whichever you chose, you can't go wrong. In my experience, Clear Creek is a bit more strict with the annual retreats and visiting them before you can start your Oblate discernment. I completely understand why you'd want to wait; my spiritual director advised me to do the same while I was in school. I'll be keeping you in prayer; that you end up at the monastery where your spiritual life will flourish the most.
Is the career psychology?
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