I've Resigned Myself to Giving Up on This Lifelong Battle

Ask anyone who has ever known me well enough and they'll tell you that I've been trying to escape from Los Angeles pretty much my entire life.

I was born and bred here... and I'm still stuck here.

Any and every single attempt to leave has been thwarted over the years.

I tried to go to Bath Spa University in Bath, England... and I ended up staying to help take care of my father in his final years of life.

After he passed, I applied to the University of British Columbia in Vancouver, British Columbia (my dream school) but I ended up having to stay because my mom was not in a good place, physically, mentally, or emotionally. Would you be after losing your husband of 26 years?

Last year, I spent the last 6 months of the year trying to leave California but back-to-back health and financial issues would come up every single time I tried to leave. If it wasn't one thing, it was the other... or both.

"It sounds like God wants you to stay," my spiritual director said to me last October.

I didn't like the sound of that. I wanted to leave. I've never really felt "at home" in my hometown, even as a child. Why was God keeping me here? There are so many things that are unhealthy for me here -- so much toxicity. I don't feel comfortable enough sharing what these things are with complete strangers but those close to me know what I'm talking about -- and have all tried to get me out of Los Angeles for those same reasons. Still, no matter what any of us did -- even threats to come from out of state and, basically, physically carry me out -- plans fell apart.

Then November happened. November was when it became abundantly clear that God wanted me to pursue the discernment of consecrated virginity. It meant (as almost all of you know) letting go of plans to get married and move out of state to his hometown. It also meant that I had to think about what I was going to do because consecrated virgins are tied to their home diocese.

That was one of the first obstacles I wrestled with at the beginning of the discernment. "Wait, I have to stay in Los Angeles?1 Can't I just discern somewhere else and stay there?" I seriously considered it but, no, God kept making it clear that He wants me here. As my (now former) SD said, we may not why God wants me to here (and probably won't in this lifetime) but He wants me here for a reason.

I fought my "fate" for so long... until I just decided to give up. I gave up on trying to leave Los Angeles and (much to my friends' vexations) my mother's house.

"Okay, God," I said. "You want me here? I'll stay. I don't know why but Your will be done, not mine."

Was I happy? Not one bit. But if God wanted me here it was for a good reason, right?

Recently, I was chatting with a priest friend about this -- how I always tried to leave but, for whatever reason, God wanted me here. At that point, I had resigned myself to it and stated as much. Then he said something that I'll never forget -- (paraphrasing): God wants us here because He has big plans for Los Angeles... and we're part of it.

I had never thought about it that way. I had only thought about it from my own selfish POV. I wanted to leave. I didn't feel comfortable here. I didn't understand why I had to stay. When my priest friend said this, it all started making sense to me... especially in terms of my vocation.

If, God willing, I am called to become a consecrated virgin for the Archdiocese of Los Angeles, one of my "duties" will be to pray for those in the archdiocese, especially the archbishop and priests. It will mean that I will be giving back to the archdiocese in ways that very few people will be able to. Given the history of how, ahem, liberal and how many scandals have surrounded the archdiocese, perhaps that's why God wants me here.

A few months ago my Oblate Master reminded me of a great gift I can give to the Church -- my sufferings. As someone who is chronically ill, I can offer up the pains and sufferings to the Church -- for the Pope, the clergy, the whole Church. As a consecrated virgin tied to her archdiocese, I'd be able to offer up any future sufferings specifically for those in my hometown. Maybe that's God wants me here... and why He's calling me to this beautiful vocation.

I'm not sure if that's the reason why I'm staying here; part of why I feel called to become a consecrated virgin. All I know is that I've always felt a deep desire to give more of myself to others; to offer up as much of myself as I can to the Church and, ultimately, God. If this is the best way I can do it, I welcome it.

I resign myself to giving up my lifelong battle to leave Los Angeles. I accept the possibility of staying here for the rest of my life if I can make the smallest difference; even if all I do is offer up my ailments and other crosses I bear.

Anyway, this was a "quick" post to share some of my thoughts.

I've been wanting to blog for a while but life has gotten busy lately -- a good kind of busy. I hope to be able to blog more this month but we'll see how it works out with my Lenten plans. I'll be away from my laptop (and screens in general) more often so more frequent posts aren't guaranteed.

Thank you to all of you who've been praying for me -- for my vocation, my health, and the car issues (the latter of which have been resolved!). I will continue to pray for y'all as well.

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :)

A Different Take on All Souls Day

No, I am not rewriting what today is. It is still a day on which we commemorate those who have passed as well as those who are currently in Purgatory, waiting to get into Heaven. However, on the way home from the San Fernando Mission Cemetery, where my father is buried, we encountered something that made me think about the importance of the day.

Before I get into that, I just wanted to say: daddy, we still miss you terribly. We're never going to get used to being just the two of us (mom and I) but I know you're in a better place and I thank God that you were able to give the rest of your life to Him before you passed. Big brother, Moises, I never got to meet you but I know you're looking down from Heaven, taking care of mama and I. (Paternal) Grammy, I wish I had known you better. I know I inherited my love and appreciation for Catholicism from you and I thank you for taking me to the humble but beautiful churches in Mexico when I visited. We miss and love you too.

Now... for those of you who aren't from L.A. nor have been to the San Fernando Valley, one of the California Missions is located in Mission Hills. As I said, my father is buried in the cemetery that is next to/part of Mission San Fernando Rey de España. Next to them is Bishop Alemany High School which is, from my understanding, one of the best Catholic high schools in L.A. Anyway, we often drive by there (when we're in the area) and today I was happily surprised to see a number of students with signs that read "Honk for Life" and "Vote Yes on 34." Here are a couple of pictures I took (with permission from the adult supervisor who was outside with them).

I was incredibly impressed with young men and women who were standing outside with these signs... and even more so at the amount of honking from passing cars. Wow. I have never experienced anything like that before. Kudos for being vocal about supporting Prop 34 (which will end the death penalty here in California), BAHS! (FYI: The L.A. Archdiocese has something on their webpage on it as well.)

While thinking about how great it was to see young people being enthusiastic about something they believed in, I thought back about how we, as humans, usually don't think about things like the death penalty. The students from BAHS were supporting life the way God intended -- from the womb to the tomb.

For obvious reasons, I am against the death penalty. When I say I'm pro-life, I mean I'm PRO-LIFE. I think it's horrible to kill people whether they are innocent human beings in their mother's womb or whether they've made mistakes in their lives and have taken the lives of others. If Bl. Pope John Paul II could forgive the man who attempted to assassinate him, why can't we pray for those who have committed horrific crimes? I am not condoning what they've done in any way. I know that losing a loved one hurts, especially when at the hands of someone else, but why must we contribute more hate and/or evil in a world that already sees way too much of it?

So, on this All Souls Day, I am going to pray for ALL the souls -- those who have died, those who are in Purgatory, those who are yet to be born, and those of us who need to get closer to God. I pray that those who have passed will help us learn from their mistakes and that those who are close to God will pray that we may stay on the path to becoming saints one day.

Anyway, just random thoughts that popped into my mind on this day that I wanted to jot down. The little lady I tutor will soon get here so I really should skedaddle.

Hope y'all are having a great week thus far. :D If you have any prayer requests, let me know; I'm a novena machine at the moment.

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless! :D