I began tearing up as I thought about what was being held in front of me. This was an actual piece of the True Cross; where the Son of God sacrificed His life for the salvation of mankind. It was where He suffered indescribable agony for the sins for man; for the many sins I myself have committed. The weight of it all overwhelmed me, in a good way. It's the greatest love story ever told. My love for Him grew exponentially at that moment. My desire to praise Him in Heaven for all eternity -- to do everything I could to keep myself from jeopardizing my chances of getting there -- grew.
"I love you, Lord," I said internally as the tears flowed down my cheeks.
"Would you like to kiss it?" he asked me. I only had a split second to answer. I timidly said "Yes." On my knees, I leaned in and kissed the relic that he held out for me. "I love you, Lord."
It's only been a couple of days since it happened but I still can't believe that I kissed the True Cross. The memory of it will forever be embedded in my mind and in my heart.
In recent weeks (and months), I've often pictured myself at the foot of the Cross. This is especially vivid in my mind while praying the Rosary. I picture myself either standing or kneeling at the foot of the Cross, asking for His forgiveness and mercy. Most of the time, it's when I'm feeling overwhelmed. I can see myself clinging to the Cross, looking up at Him with tears in my eyes, asking Him for help. Sometimes I ask Him for clarity. Other times I simply put myself in that moment -- the fifth Sorrowful mystery -- and lose myself in it. Never in my wildest dreams (or imagination), did I ever think I would be blessed enough to actually get the chance to kiss a relic of it.
After it was all said and done, I was in awe... and felt humbled. Was I truly worthy of having that amazing moment? I don't know but I am grateful that I did. I texted only three people after it happened -- my three closest friends. (Quick side note: the significance of the number 3 didn't even dawn on me until this moment, as I'm typing it out; the significance of who I chose to share the details of that moment with are always very telling.) One of them replied, "What a grace. Especially with the kind of cross you carry, that is such a grace!" That stopped me in my tracks.
The cross I carry? Oh yes, the health cross. The same cross that has been a part of my life for so long that I don't even think about it anymore. The cross that has kept me from living the life I had always envisioned for myself. The cross that has scared away potential suitors because it's a difficult one to carry. That cross.
It's the same cross that has brought me closer to God. The cross that has turned this vain and selfish young woman who thought more about what other people thought of her and the material world into one who now desires to detach herself completely from worldly things; who would rather be ridiculed for what she believes is right and the Truth.
Being sick and having to alter my life plans is humbling. It requires the person suffering to swallow their pride and ask for help when it's needed. I went from having a world of endless possibilities from which I could choose to living life one day at a time. I went from having whatever career I wanted -- or, really, choosing to work in a field I didn't particularly feel called to in order to earn more money -- to only being able to do what I do feel called to do, even if it doesn't even help make ends meet.
That's nothing compared to the humiliation that comes with the multiple rejections from fellas who just don't want to deal with your crosses. Trust me, there's been too many to count over the years. Luckily, it's all been a great blow to my ego and it has kept reminding me that no man will ever fill that God-shaped hole in my heart. That I must fully belong to Him and trust in Him. If He wants me to marry, it will happen. If He doesn't, I know He will give me the courage and emotional strength to soldier on.
As I said in my Twitter and Instagram posts last week and earlier today, God has been working in my heart lately. I can see Him waiting for me to be vulnerable and open up my heart completely to Him. I know He wants me to go to Him and tell Him exactly what I think, how I feel, what my fears are, and what my desires are. Can you guess when all of this started; when I decided to embark on this journey with Him? The minute I kissed the True Cross.
For the record, who "he" is and why he did it will remain something between those of us in the know. The point is that God blessed me with that amazing moment that has forever changed my attitude and outlook on life; that has defined this Advent season for me. I cannot think about it without tearing up. Thank you, Lord, for allowing this sinful gal to feel the weight of Your love and mercy. I will continue to strive to be worthy of moments like it, even if I never get another one like it again.
Anyway, I felt prompted to share this with y'all. It may not have details of who, what, where, when, or why, but it does contain the most important parts.
That's it from me for now. There's a couple of things I need and have to do; more work in preparing my heart for Him... and other boring adult responsibilities (read: pay bills). ;)
I hope y'all are having a lovely week so far.
As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :)
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