If you had the choice to attend a school where you were comfortable at and would be receiving a great amount to attend, but knew you would struggle to stay morally and spiritually right, would you stay? If you had the alternative of attending another school where you would have a hard time in terms of financial aid and stress, but knew that you would be able to stay on the right path, would you rather go there? These were the questions that I had/have to deal with.
I was excited about attending school A (where I was comfortable) but I was noticing that, though I tried to stay as righteous as I could, I would struggle. In the first 2 days that I went to my courses at school A, I was very surprised at how quickly I'd fallen back into the routine I had when I first attended said school. This was prior to my coming back to the Church. I swore like a sailor (and I'm ashamed of that). It was a lot easier for me to say the Lord's name in vain (even though I didn't really think about doing it). I think that's what the problem was... I didn't think my actions through before I did them. I caught myself MANY TIMES coming very close to saying the Lord's name in vain this past week. All unintentionally but, ugh, I hate doing that. Thankfully, I was able to stop myself. I saw myself going back to the way I was and I refuse to be that person again. I've worked very hard to get where I am now. Not only that, I simply don't want to offend God in any way, shape, or form. I have too much love and respect for Him and the Church to do that. That meant I had to do the hard thing and leave a place of comfort to go somewhere I would be humbled.
Last night, I dropped all my courses and decided to go back to school B where I was at last fall. Everyone's pretty shocked that I did this because I've always said that I completely disliked school B but I feel like it's for the best. I will have financial aid issues with school B but I would rather get little to no financial aid than to compromise my beliefs and turn myself back to who I was then. At school A, I would be taking my Philosophy and Religious Studies courses with mostly ultra-liberal professors (with the exception of the Philosophy of Religion class I was taking). At school B, I am more free to express my beliefs about God and about faith without the professors penalizing me for it. And, at school B I know that I can stay on the path that I was going down on, which is a path of prayer, without it being such an issue like it was at school A. I don't think I ever swore/cursed at any point when I attend school B.
The argument that I could be at either school and just really work hard at not straying has come up in my mind. I completely agree... but I also think that I'm still learning how to stay on the right path. I'm very strong willed and all but there are some things I still need to work on and going to school A would just set me back.
I see it this way -- for example: Let's say you're completely bored and want to go see a movie. Film A (which represent school A) is a very mature rated R movie that you could go watch for free, and you'll even get free popcorn and a drink. You know it would be bad for you because of the content but you say to yourself that it's just a movie; no big deal. You'll just cover your eyes during certain scenes. Now, let's say Film B (school B) is a tame, rated G movie that you have to pay your last $20 to see. You know that you'll be broke if you see it but know that the content won't be unsuitable. With Film A, you can try to cover your eyes but there's always the temptation and the possibility of watching the icky scenes in a moment of weakness. With Film B, yes, you'll be broke but you won't feel guilty afterward and won't have to go to confession for it. Which would you choose? Hopefully, Film B... which is what I did. I would rather have to work hard physically and mentally to keep myself ahead (and basically be broke) than to work hard to keep myself spiritually and morally right with many temptations around. It's easier to fall in situation/film/school A than it is in B.
So, now I will have yet another first day of school when I return to school B next Wednesday. I already have my courses set, and I've spoken to professors who have vowed to help me out (I have an amazing English Lit professor) in case I need it. I'm armed with my Rosary and novena so I am not going to stress out, and am surprisingly anxiety and stress free -- SERIOUSLY!, because I have faith that God will help me if I truly need it. This is yet another one of those obstacles that I have to get through to become a better person.
Okay, I think I've bored y'all enough with my little situation. lol. I hope to have time to write quite a bit soon. I STILL have a blog I'm planning so keep your eyes out for it.
I will be praying for of all you who are going back to school. Anyone else counting down the days 'til Christmas break? I already am. Hahaha. :D
As always, thanks for reading and God Bless. :D