Thursday, April 14, 2011

When It Rains, It Pours. So Why am I Smiling?

I feel very much like the poor kitty in this picture. I have two more weeks until finals week so we're getting slammed by work that the professors are trying to catch up on. THIS is why I haven't posted in (nearly) a month. My week is mostly spent at school (yes, still at the CINO... more on that coming up), traveling to and from school, and/or reading. Even though this may be, I am still slightly behind in my schoolwork. I've quickly come to realize that anything over a 3.0 or 3.5 is a pipe dream at the CINO (I currently have a 2.88 and -- geek alert -- I used to get anywhere between 3.5 and 4.0 per semester) but since I decided not to compromise my beliefs for better grades... well... yeah. Unfortunately, I need at least a 3.0 because of the award/scholarship that will keep me at that school... and I need it after financial aid problems I've encountered this past week.

If you're living in California and in college you may familiar with Cal Grants. I've received a Cal Grant for three years (of four years of eligibility) and I've been told that that is it. I've been trying to fight the "verdict" of the California Student Aid Commission (I spent hours on the phone with them as well as my current college and former community college) and was basically told, in the rudest manner possible, that four years are not guaranteed, that I should not fight it, and that I'm done. I am going to start a novena to St. Jude Thaddeus today and the Divine Mercy novena starting on Good Friday (although that one is for another intention) because I need that Cal Grant. At this point I'm willing to take out the loans needed to graduate (as next year will be my senior year) but I know I should be eligible for one more year and I won't give up without a fight. Of course, I am fully prepared to think about going elsewhere if it's God's will for me to finish my Bachelor of Arts somewhere else. (side note: I think this is something that a lot of us forget... even if we do novenas and pray, things may not come to fruition because it's simply not God's will for us.)

I've been having one of those "when it rains, it pours" spells. The past two weeks have been horrible. I misunderstanding with a friend (which might've cost the friendship) was the first bump and I've been on a roller coaster of emotions. It's definitely been a trying time. I've had moments where I've felt this sense of despair trying to wash over me but I was able (with a lot of work) to keep it away. Yesterday especially was a hard day when it seemed that it was impossible for me to pay for my senior year of college. I had these "it's over... that's it" moments and when my mom mentioned that I should leave it in God's hands I felt a sense of anger trying to creep in... and it was very unlike me to react that way. I was not angry that my mom was saying these things because I kept that first and foremost in my mind. I kept saying "No... no. God has got my back. He knows what's best for me. Everything will work out" even though I had these conflicting emotions. Like I said, it was a very unusual thing for me to feel this but, thanks be to God, I was able to keep those incredibly negative and horrible thoughts and feelings away. Now, for the record, I am not saying that there was some supernatural, evil force that had a hand in my inner conflict yesterday... or lately. I cannot sit here and speculate. However, I can, and am, acknowledging that I certainly kept thinking that God has and always will be there for me and that is enough reason for me to smile.

While it can feel as if everything is slowly falling around me, I have to keep in mind that everything happens for a reason and that there is always light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe it's the fact that I'm an "eternal optimist" and am always looking for hope in the bleakest of situations. The potential end of the friendship? If it does end maybe it's for the best for both people involved. I have no ill thoughts or will towards the other person and I'm willing to talk through things but if it's not in God's will that it is repaired, for whatever reason, may His will be done. If I end up losing my Cal Grant and my scholarship (scary thought for this self-proclaimed academic nerd) and if I apply elsewhere (not a CINO college, I learned the hard way to stay away from those) and get a better financial aid packet, that's where I'll go. It's really hard for me to think that these things may end or that plans may drastically change but if it's what's best for me then I must do it. Just knowing that I truly believe that every obstacle I will encounter will only make me a stronger person and will only bring me closer to God keeps me going. To quote Dory from Finding Nemo: "Just keep swimming... just keep swimming..." With God at my side, I have nothing to worry about. That alone will keep me smiling that dorky smile I have (haha, it really is dorky) and will keep me centered.

Anyway, I know I'm not the only one going through this nor is my situation the worst so I will remember all of y'all in my prayers. We Catholics need to have each other's backs during these "when it rains, it pours" moments. :)

I think I should finish this post so I can finish homework due in an hour and a half. Yeah... cutting it close but it's my only chance to update for the rest of the day. I will try to post more often as I have a feeling that writing will keep me slightly saner during finals week and the final push of the semester. :D

I hope y'all are having a good week thus far and, if not, let me know if there's anything I can do... even if it's a novena or a simple prayer. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless. :D


Alan Aversa said...

Perhaps Divine Providence is telling you to transfer out of that CINO.

Emmy Cecilia said...

We'll see what happens when I get news from the CSAC in a couple of weeks.

Claire Christina said...

Aww, Emmy! *hugs you!* I've lost a couple friends these past few months, in mildly related incidents. And have had similar money panics. But I'm currently five pages from my thesis page limit, in time to turn in the draft tomorrow, so things are looking up. God will remain faithful through the pain (He always does). *extra hug!* :)

James Locke said...

Trust in God's providence. Have a Blessed rest of Good Friday. Remember why we relive this day every year. Helps me put things into perspective.


Maria said...

You remind me of me when things go wrong, but hey- it's the weekend for Divine Mercy and the beatification of JP2, so I recommend a prayer to him, too! I'll say one for you!