2016: The Year This Nerd Learned to Trust

Oh, 2016... what a roller coaster year it was. I had so many lows but the highs were what made this year and what I went through worthwhile. Who knew that the lessons I learned during Lent -- on controlling my temper, doing things in moderation, rearranging priorities, letting go of perfection, and, finally, on increasing my trust in God -- would help me grow throughout the year, in a big way. Everything from the mess our former building manager left to being completely aimless for a while only helped me grow closer to the Lord.

The reoccurring theme for me this year was learning to let go and trust God wholeheartedly, even when I couldn't see the end of the tunnel in certain situations. I had to face my fears and deal with doubts I was having regarding my vocations. It took a lot of patience and prayer to get through some of the most difficult times. Taking big decisions to prayer was what kept me sane this year.

I went through a long period of spiritual dryness which began during the summer and didn't end until about early October. In the middle of that dryness, I was able to forgive some of the worst offenses ever done to me. The low point was falling into depression in late summer when I was emotionally vulnerable after recognizing signs that I was in friendships (yes, plural) that were not good for me or for the other person involved. I almost shut down this blog when I was at the lowest point in my depression but I'm glad that I stuck it out and continued to write. I actually still dealt with letting go of friendships up until a couple of days ago. I'm happy to report that it ended well. I still pray for these people and I have absolutely no ill will towards them because of the good they brought into my life but God helped me see why it was better to go our separate ways.

During the first half of the year, I had to fall back to half-time in grad school before I had to leave it completely. I ended up returning to finish my second Bachelor's degree in a different field (speech pathology) and am now about halfway through the program. I absolutely loved my time in grad school because I immersed myself in Biblical Theology but God knows why I wasn't meant to finish the Master's degree in it. For a couple of weeks during the summer, I considered letting both paths go and return to my former life but I saw why it wouldn't have been a good idea. I'm happy with the path I'm on now and I can see why this is where God wants me to be.

As for the other vocation, I "dated" myself... meaning I got to know myself better. Accepting that I'm a highly sensitive person really helped me avoid stimulus that would've made my anxiety levels go through the roof and, I believe, helped me avoid panic attacks throughout the year... which came in handy when I began to become more social in the second of the year. Yes, my mother still brings up the fact that I'm still unmarried. I'm still keeping my ninja status in this area but I will say that I'm very happy about how the year is ending on this front and I'm looking forward to seeing what 2017 brings.

As for my health, I had a lot of ups and downs. This summer was especially hard. I had to deal with the return of anemia as well as a kidney infection and an eventual acute kidney injury. Palpitations and heart worries were something I dealt with for months during the second half of the year. At the beginning of the year, I felt like I was too busy for self-care but I ended up embracing it as the year ended. Unplugging and quieting the world during Lent was amazing but something I didn't do again during the year. Sure, I had moments in which I was able to remember why it's so important to step away from social media but I still didn't do it as much as I would've liked. A continued goal for 2017? I think so!

One of the biggest fears I worked through was offending people and pushing them away with my thoughts. I'd been accused of "too pious" in how I looked at things but I knew that I had to write what I felt and how I looked at things from a more "conservative" side. I started by telling y'all why I threw away my Meg Cabot books. At the end of the year, I was able to finally push those fears aside and allow myself to post what I wanted. Post about mental and emotional purity that a lot of people had a massive cow over, anyone? Yes, it took almost the entire year before I made the big change, but, hey, I was able to do it. We'll just have to see what I have the guts to write about next year. ;)

My biggest failure this year as, undoubtedly, how little I went to Mass. I stunk at going to Mass, especially with everything I had going on throughout the year. I actually teared up yesterday while praying the Rosary, because I still feel like a failure and a horrible Catholic for not going to Mass. Something always came up and then I second guessed whether I should've tried harder to get to Mass. Biggest goal in 2017? Get my tush to Mass! It was my main petition during the St. Andrew Christmas novena for a reason. Oh, if you're wondering... I was able to attend Mass twice during Advent. I didn't go to Mass last weekend for Christmas. The reasons for my poor attendance? I was sick and in pain... I couldn't breathe and felt too dizzy/lightheaded to drive (and no one else in this house drives)... I was having stomach problems... sometimes I even had random panic attacks. Yes, all legitimate but still, something I need to find a priest and talk to him about since I haven't had a spiritual director in over a year. Thankfully, I got to Mass a bit more often, a big reason for that was because of the encouragement I received from the young adult group I joined in October.

Looking back at everything, it seems like things came full circle in most areas of my life. I debated and rejected returning to the career path I had been on prior to my reversion. The summer began with a lot of trips to the hospital, just like the summer that I reverted, only this year they didn't go beyond the summer (follow-ups not included). I find it funny that this all happened because I celebrated a decade since my reversion to the faith this year. Bonus: I also returned to my alma mater to take my proctored exams. Who saw that coming? Not me!

God truly blessed me this year. He kept surprising me when I feared things wouldn't get better. After learning to let go of my need to control things and surrender my selfishness, things changed for me. My life changed. I was even called "bubbly" for the first time in over a decade... and it was a genuine and positive compliment. Resigning myself to do God's will, even when it's incredibly difficult and I'm petrified of not being strong enough to endure the trials, was the best decision I made this year. I'm sure a combination of what I learned during Lent in addition to the graces I received during the 54-day Rosary novena were what helped me mature and grow in my relationship with God. I hope to continue seeing its fruit into 2017 and beyond.

To those who've stuck with me all year and those who joined my journey during the year, I wanted to say "thank you." Your prayers, encouraging words, and challenges (done in a civil manner) have helped make me the person I am today. Who I was at the beginning of the year is someone I barely recognize... and I'm grateful for all the positive changes you've all helped me embrace. :) Here's to another year and (dare I dream?) better 2017! Verso l'alto! ;)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless you all in 2017! :D

Patron Saints for 2017

As I wrote two weeks ago, for the first time since this blog's inception, you lovely readers won't be voting on this blog's patron saint for the upcoming year. Instead, I opted to make the Holy Family the permanent patron saints for the blog. It's something I thought about for a long time and it seemed like the right time to make this change.

St. Joseph (2016) was the last patron saint chosen by y'all. Others throughout the years have included: St. Dymphna (2007), St. Teresa of Avila (2007 and 2012), Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati (2008 and 2009), St. Cecilia (2010), St. Therese of Lisieux (2011), St. Catherine of Siena (2012), Mary Undoer of Knots (2013), St. Raphael the Archangel (2014), and St. Brigid of Ireland (2015). That is a pretty awesome list and each patron saint really helped me out a lot each year that they were chosen; some in unexpected ways. Thank you all who voted for the saints over the years. :D

Just because I'm not asking y'all to help me to pick a patron saint doesn't mean I don't want one for 2017. This year I decided to use Jen Fulwiler's Saint's Name Generator. I said a small prayer ("please, let me get a saint who will help me with whatever will be my biggest obstacle") before I clicked the button. I got...

The result made me laugh for three reasons. First, today I went to visit Dad's grave for the last time for this year... and his patron saint was St. Michael the Archangel. Second, this year I was able to identify that I need a lot of help with a couple of temptations (an example: the temptations to be lazy and procrastinate when I should be doing something important) that I need to work on in the upcoming year. Third, this year was the year that the devotion of praying the Chaplet of St. Michael finally stuck. I even asked Allison to custom-make a chaplet for me to use. 

But wait... I wanted one more patron saint for something else that's been on my heart lately: my vocation. I did the process again and got...

The archangel who told Mama Mary she was to be the mother of our Lord. He will be the patron of my vocation discernment. I think I'm in good hands. At this point I think I should just add St. Raphael the Archangel and adopt all three archangels as my patron saints for the upcoming year. lol. 

Are any of you choosing patrons for the upcoming year? If so, will you do a reader poll like I used to or will you be using the Saint's Name Generator as well? I would love to hear which you're doing and who you've gotten as your patron saint. :D

My molar (the one that needs a root canal... that I cannot currently afford and isn't covered by my dental insurance) is starting to hurt a little so I'm going to rest for a little while. St. Apollonia, please pray for me!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Holy Innocents Question

I've been wanting to blog this question all day because it's a major pet peeve of mine but I haven't had the time until now. As y'all know, today (and it's still the 28th in L.A.) is the feast of the Holy Innocents. I don't know about other countries but I know in Mexico and other Hispanic countries, today is treated sort of like an April Fool's Day. People play pranks on others and then remark that they're "un pobre innocente" (poor innocent) if they fall for it. Considering what we commemorate today -- the massacre of poor innocent children -- it seems in poor taste to play pranks and then call people a "poor innocent."

My question for y'all is whether you feel the same way or if you don't think it's a big deal, I like April Fool's Day and a good prank now and then is fun and all... but it just feels and seems wrong to do it today of all days. If you're not of Hispanic origin and they have a similar tradition where your family/ancestors are from, I'd love to hear about it as well.

Anyway, this is a short blog post because I'm afraid I will keep ranting and I don't want to do that. lol.

I hope y'all are having a lovely week thus far!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :)

Amazing Rosary Novena Results

A couple of amazing things happened while I prayed the 54-day Rosary novena (from All Saints' Day through Christmas Eve).

- I was described as "bubbly" for the first time in a decade. This isn't new for me -- I've been called "bubbly" many times -- but it's something I haven't heard in so long because I fell into this spiral of self-consciousness right before I reverted to the Church when I was 21. That self-consciousness came across as shy, which I was as a result of it.

- I've apparently displayed a confidence that few people (at least those who haven't known me for over a decade) have seen and it's shocked them. I heard a few "who are you?!" comments a few weeks ago because I surprised people with how talkative I was during an outing with the young adult group I've become a part of. I've always been reserved and an introvert but I'm actually a somewhat of a social introvert. I like talking to people and socializing, but in small doses and in certain circumstances or else I get fatigued and, therefore, quiet. After socializing I need a good day or two to recover, too. Again, I was overcoming with self-consciousness which hindered the social side for a decade but I seem to have rediscovered it.

- I tanked the exams during the first half of the novena, the ones I studied the hardest for. When I stopped stressing over them, started taking better care of myself (by slowing down and resting more often), I actually did better on them. In fact, I did better on my final exams than I did on all the other exams... and most were comprehensive final exams.

- The people-pleaser side of me seemed to have finally gotten a clue and I've been thinking less about how people would react to my thoughts and words. That's not to say that I don't think about wording certain things more carefully so I don't offend or hurt other people, but I've certainly stopped caring about what they think about me personally. The (seemingly) controversial post on mental and emotional purity is an example of that.

- I had a number of things pop up (i.e. having to repeat a course due to a classmate's plagiarism - which affected my grade, having a temporary financial aid suspension, etc.) which would've normally sent me on an anxious doom spiral but which didn't affect me as much during the novena. I'm sure that it goes back to my resolve to trust God completely and let go of my stubbornness in favor of doing His will. Once I started doing these two things, my world completely changed for the better.

- The St. Andrew Christmas novena -- which began during the second half of the Rosary novena -- included the intention of detaching myself from everything that was harmful to my soul... which included a lot of things that I'm (still) very attached to and will take a lot of work to overcome. I knew what it meant giving up and yet I still prayed for it. I had no idea where the idea came from and was surprised when the words first came out of my mouth on the first day but it was something I continued to pray for from St. Andrew's feast day through Christmas Eve.

You want to know the best part of all of these things? None of them were intentions of the Rosary novena. I won't say what the intentions were (half of them weren't even intentions for me, personally) but they were not any of the things I described. Yet, they all make sense in one way or another. I feel like God prepared me for my specific intentions by allowing me to go through everything I went through during the novena. It's all helped me begin journeying down a road that will lead me closer to Him and doing His will, which is, ultimately, all I could ask for.

I don't know if or when my specific intentions will be answered -- especially the life-changing ones -- but I've already learned to be more proactive, more optimistic (I can hear some of you going "oh nooo... not more!" lol), and completely trust God. My outlook on life is different. I'm really excited about all the changes that came from the novena and I hope that they continue to produce more fruit as the time goes by. :)

Anyway, I just wanted to share this because I know some people are hesitant to start one. Yes, things that could go wrong went wrong. Yes, obstacles will come at you from different sides. Yes, you can have terrible "luck" but the outcomes far outweigh whatever crumbs come your way. :)

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a lot of books (some of which were Christmas gifts) to lose myself in while I still have the time to do so. ;)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Merry Christmas, Everyone! Happy 9th Anniversary, Blog!

I just wanted to write a quick "Merry Christmas, everyone!" message to you lovely readers. I hope y'all have had a beautiful and blessed Christmas. I hope y'all had a chance to go to Mass, unlike me who woke up with my body aching and my mom at work. Of course, I then proceeded to feel better once the local day Masses were all finished. Sigh. Yes, it's an unfortunate no-Christmas Mass streak for me; I think I've been to Christmas Mass maybe once or twice in the past 10 years. I'm serious. Something always happens, almost without fail. Car issues, health issues...; you name it, it's probably happened. I gotta talk to a priest about that...

Today is also the 9th anniversary of this blog. Insert confetti, streamers, and noisemakers here. ;) 9 years ago, today, I bit the bullet and decided to start this blog. I actually spent a long time thinking about starting one but I didn't do it until right before Christmas Day ended in 2007. Wow, it'll be a decade next Christmas, God willing. Also, wow, I was 22 years-old when I started this blog. I was such a baby then. lol. I'm not perfect (at all; hashtag: understatement, lol) and I still have a lot to work on but having your lovely comments and support throughout the last 9 years has been amazing. A question for you long-time readers (5+ years; I know who some of you are): aren't you sick of my boring life yet? lol. ;)

Anyway, the apartment is freezing because we can't turn on the heater (side note: both Mom and I get headaches with heaters on) so I'm going to go walk around the living room for a little while to warm up. It's better than walking around, saying "¡tengo frío!" ("I'm cold!" in Spanish) every time I walk by my mom. Hooray for random dance party time. ;)

Thank you for continuing on this journey with me. ;)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D