Shutting Down the Blog, Questioning Faith, and Other Conundrums

I almost shut down this blog this week. Almost. Then I received a message from a new reader (or a long-time reader who'd never reached out before) that renewed my commitment to keep it and continue writing as authentically as possible. I still don't think I'll write as often as I have in past weeks because classes are about to start and it's a crazy semester but I'll write when I feel like sharing something going on in my life.

I questioned the strength of my faith. I questioned my own faith. Not Catholicism nor God. I simply questioned myself in how my faith fits into my life. I didn't want to pray. I literally forced myself to pray because I didn't want to. A lot of things didn't make sense to me. I've never had a spiritual dryness this intense before. I'm still struggling with a couple of things. I'm hoping confession and Mass later today will help.

I almost quit the SLP field for something I haven't considered doing since I was in my late teens-early 20s. My spiritual director brought it (the career path) up last year, seemingly out of the blue, and I had dismissed it. Something changed this week and I reconsidered it. I talked to a couple of close friends and they all seemed excited for me. The career is a good fit for me in some ways but would take me out of my introvert bubble/comfort zone. It would mean starting (almost) from zero. It means a lot of hard work ahead of me. It means facing some of the fears I had at 20 and returning to something that once brought me both joy and pain. I'm still unsure of whether I'll go down this path but I will finish my degree, at least.

I almost did a couple of things impulsively... which was very unusual for me. Amongst these things included plans to move out of the country to pursue the aforementioned career path; to follow my heart. I almost did a lot of things that seemed out of character for me because I was swimming in a sea of confusion and I couldn't make out which way was up. I still feel like I've yet to come up for air but at least I think I'm coming closer to the surface.

I don't know what I'm doing these days, if I'm honest. I feel as if I'm being pulled in many different directions and I don't know which way to go, what to do, or who/what to believe. I'm not sure if it's all spiritual dryness, a spiritual attack, or just the misfortune of having too many options. I didn't foresee any of this happening, especially not after the summer I've been having thus far; not a week before classes begin.

Pray for me, dear readers, because I feel lost and I can't see a way out anytime soon.