The Sacrifices are Coming!

Can you believe that we're only two weeks away from Lent? What?! The period between Christmas season and Advent always flies by the quickest for me. Even though I'm still a bit in Christmas mode (sorry, I'm in that mentality until February 2nd; Candlemas), I'm not ready to let it go. (side note: if you find yourself singing "Let it Go" I truly apologize. Have a donut and say it's from me as an apology gift.) While chatting with one of my best friends about what we were giving up for Lent, I had no clue. At least, I didn't at the time. It took me some time but I think I've figured out what I'm doing for Lent this year.

Last year I didn't really give up anything because, well, I tend to do that during the year. Doing it during Lent doesn't challenge me as much as it may others because of how used to it I am (from food to entertainment, etc). "What can I possibly give up that's hard?" I wondered. Then it hit me: Twitter. Soccer? Slightly hard to give up one year. Certain foods? Easier since I do that on a regular basis anyway (thanks dyspepsia and food intolerances!). Social media has been cut back during Lent in past years but never fully given up. Just an hour or less per day. I've been doing that lately (though I've slipped a bit since my bro's visit last week). Giving it up "cold turkey"? Sad to say it's going to be nearly impossible but I'm going to do it. Or try. I'll say "try" so I don't beat myself up too badly if I fail. I'm not even going to give myself an incentive to not cave: doing something for my well being is reward enough.

For those of you who rely on Twitter to find out when I have a new blog post, I'll have something set up so new links will be posted as soon as they go up. I may also share the odd link straight from the website (i.e. Blessed is She's reflections or news from Zenit, ChurchPop, or Catholic News Agency -- only Catholic stuff for Lent, what an idea!) but I won't log into Twitter for that. I also won't send anything out unless it's one of those "yes! this needs to be read by others!" articles. If you're also giving up Twitter, the blog's Facebook Page gets updates right away. If you're giving up all social media, you can sign up to have new blog posts delivered to your inbox. That nifty button is on the right side of the blog (not accessible on mobile; sorry).

Am I giving up anything else in terms of social media? Nope. Don't really use Pinterest much and can go weeks without even logging in. Tumblr can be neglected for days and I can get everything done there in under 5 minutes when I do log in. Facebook will be cut down to once a day for 5 minutes if only because I only have 34 people on my list -- most of whom rarely or don't (at all) use Twitter -- and it's what I use to get news on the Latin Masses in the L.A. area and other information that I don't get elsewhere. Twitter is my addiction but I hope giving it up for Lent will be good for me and will make it easier for me to use is less during the rest of the year.

Let's forget the fact that I'm wasting so much valuable time on it. It's not just a time waster for me; it's where I rant, where I get annoyed, where uncharitable thoughts pop up, where I get upset, where... well, I'm focusing too much on myself and my own feelings and not enough on God when I get on Twitter. Let's be honest: some of us may want to use it as an evangelization tool but not many of us actually use it for that. I'm not shaming you; I'm in that same boat.

Oh! I just remembered that I am giving up on more thing for Lent: uncharitable words and thoughts. Guess where most of them come from. You guessed it: Twitter. When I'm already cranky and/or upset about what my mom is going through at work (please keep praying for her), it's so much easier to see something on Twitter and allow it to feed my annoyance. Bleh. No. Bad Twitter! Bad Emmy, too! No one is forcing me to go on Twitter when I'm on the verge of being a "stroppy cow." (Gotta love British idioms.) Twitter is the main source (online) of my uncharitable thoughts and words so it makes sense to give one to be able to help the other. 

I'm also adding a couple of things: an extra hour of prayer per day, daily Mass when I'm able (no appointments, not sick), and an extra act of charity during the day. I've arranged it so my "reading for pleasure" books are all either Catholic or written by Catholic authors during Lent. Yes, that explains my current choice of books. I'm sure I'll add something else but that will be something between me and God. ;)

Since I cannot fast (I'm still underweight) and I need meat (though I can do meatless Fridays by eating other things for iron intake), I'm going to give up ALL social media and music (gulp) on the days that I cannot fast but others are required to. I forgot what I gave up last year but I don't remember it being particular hard so I must challenge myself this year.

My plans for Lent may seem silly to others ("ha! Twitter?") but if you've ever been addicted to anything, you know hard it is to make yourself stop. Oh, social media... Y U so hard to give up? Cue rick-rolling video from a certain someone with a mustache who hosts his own radio show. ;)

What are y'all giving up for Lent? Let me know, especially if you need an accountability partner. Seriously, I will gladly keep tabs on anyone if you need an accountability person.

Side thought: I return to grad school right during Easter time, on April 4th. The symbolism isn't lost on me. It's how my school's quarter is set up but, for my particular situation and everything I've been through, it seems especially appropriate that that will be my return date. Wind down my break during Lent, return in Easter. New beginnings. New hope. Well played, JP Catholic and the overall timing. Well played. ;)

Alright, I have about 6 weeks eBooks or so to read in a little under 3 weeks so I'm going to try to get those read before they're due back to the LAPL. :)

I hope y'all are having a great week thus far!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D 

The Reason Why I Don't Always Post What I Want

No, the title is not click bait. I'm going to tell you exactly why I don't always post what I want and why some things never make it out of the "drafts" folder. Before I get into that, though, I'll give a little update on what's been going on with me. I promise it's all connected.

As most of you know, my big brother came to visit us from Texas for the week. It was great to see him and we had fun on our adventures (seriously still recovering from all those times we went out) but I don't think I've ever gotten so much out of one of his visits before.

He was not happy to see me so thin. In fact, his parting words to me were "you can do it! Get healthier. Gain some weight. You can do it!" (side note: yes, he said it twice.) Thankfully he didn't even see me at my thinnest. I am slowly gaining weight and getting healthier. My energy levels have risen significantly since I've started implementing some of the things I came up with to combat SAD as well as eliminated wheat from my diet. While I tested negative for a gluten allergy we've noticed that after eating wheat I'm physically and mentally drained. I've decided that, unless it's an emergency or it's the Eucharist, I'll be eliminating it from my diet. Receiving the Eucharist doesn't physical drain me; I've already tried it. :) So I'm making great strides there.

My stress levels are practically nonexistent. I think having my bro here also helped since he made sure I wasn't at home if he could help it. I didn't even stress or have any anxiety during rush hour traffic through Hollywood. Yeah, it's quite miraculous. lol. The great thing about him is that he's like my personal cheerleader. If he sees me start to doubt myself, he begins saying "you can do it. Don't have a care about it; just do it!"

This weekend I've been thinking about his words "you can do it! Don't have a care about it; just do it!" I had written a blog post yesterday but I didn't post it because I was worried about what others might've thought about the topic. My brother's words kept replaying until I went "well, darn it... it's my blog. Why am I so worried about what I write?" Hello realization that I don't always post what I want out of fear of what others think... especially when it comes to the faith.

I'm just gonna say it: I don't always post what I want because I've been accused of being "too pious" and/or too religious. I've become very self-conscious about what I share, not only on my blog and social media but also in person and with friends, because of the comments and eye rolls. I didn't say or write things to seem pious; I said and wrote them because that's what I felt and that's what I felt compelled to share. These days, I feel like I almost have to hide that part of myself because of what others say, which is incredibly silly of me to do but that people pleasing side of myself occasionally slips back into that terrible habit.

That's the thing though -- my faith is, by far, the biggest thing in my life. I've chosen to make God my main focus. I may not always share it and I'll fail at times but it's always there. The realization that I've hidden it out of fear of other's comments has made me very sad yet very determined to shed that fear. I don't need that in my life. I'm doing a disservice to God in keeping my love for Him to myself.

Yeah... you guys may not like the kinds of posts I will start posting in the upcoming weeks but, well, that's going to be the new normal. I'm sorry. What I'm going to write is what I think and what I feel. If you don't think or feel the same way, that's totally fine. I'm not here to judge anyone or anything but my own actions. You can disagree with me. You can say things to make me feel bad about my "ridiculous piety." Though I'm admittedly a sensitive person, I'm going to prepare myself for the comments and turn the other cheek. I'm not going to fight it. I'm sorry but I just can't keep doing it. Very curious that I got St. Rose of Lima as my patron saint for the year in Jen Fulwiler's random saint name generator last month. ;)

Anyway, I just needed to get this off my chest. Talking and/or writing things out helps me process things and also gives me an incentive to go through with the plans so... there you go.

I'm really enjoying my time away from social media with all the eBooks and audiobooks that I've been checking out of the Los Angeles Public Library so I'm going to start one of the two new books I got today. :)

I hope y'all had a great weekend and that you have a wonderful week. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

St. Therese and Vocation Doubts/Fears

Something funny happened to me earlier this week as I was finally putting all my living room books (which are the ones I actually want to read; not like the ones in "storage" in my book cave) to the bookcase: a prayer card I don't remember purchasing or receiving of St. Therese's was casually on top of one of my books. I didn't put it there. In fact, I had no idea I even owned this prayer card. That wasn't the funny part -- the book it was on top of was the funny bit.

If you're still wondering why I find this funny, it's very simple: she's one of the three saints I've prayed to regarding my vocation over the years and this after some vocation doubts. (side note: St. Raphael and the Immaculate Heart of Mary are the other two.) Look at the cover a little closer and you'll see that it has red roses adorning the border of the cover. I see what you're doing, Little Flower. ;)

The timing is impeccable because, as I've said, I've been having some... I don't want to say doubts but something in between doubts and fears regarding my future husband. Yes, I'm still single but a conversation I had earlier this week put some of these negative thoughts into my head.

Basically, this person and I were talking about my food allergies/intolerances. I've never been formally tested for an egg allergy but I display some of the symptoms of one... or did the last time I had any eggs. I'm getting a dairy allergy blood test done in March but I also had some of the allergy symptoms when we took it out of my diet over a decade ago. While the gluten intolerance blood test came back negative nearly 2-3 years ago, I've noticed that I feel lethargic for a couple of days after I eat a lot of wheat. When I take it out completely, I'm full of energy. I'll have to talk to my doctor about whether I'll permanently remove it from my diet or just reduce the amount that I eat but, for now, I'd rather not have any of it.

All of this -- plus what I've gone through in recent month -- made the person I was talking to say "wow, your poor future husband. What's he going to eat? I was sort of taken aback by this comment. "What do you mean?" I asked them. "Just because I can't eat something doesn't mean no one else can't. I make mom dishes that have dairy and eggs in them, no problem. I just make myself something else." The conversation then went into a place which I don't like visiting: the dungeon of fear regarding my vocation and future spouse.

In this dungeon of fears resides my biggest fear regarding my vocation: marrying the wrong person. It lives with its brother, Who the Heck is Going to Want to Endure What I Go Through? (or "Good Luck, Pal" for short) and its sister, Maybe You Didn't Discern Your Vocation Properly ("Nagging Nelly" for short). Between the three, I can have some pretty awful moments in which I question my vocation. While none of these have escaped from the dungeon in recent weeks, I got a glimpse of them during this conversation.

I'll be honest and say that, yes, I do wonder if I'll ever meet a fella who is going to say "your life isn't easy but I'm willing to endure this with you." I've always had stomach issues, even when I was a little kid. I can go weeks, months, or even years without issues as long as I take care of myself. Because of how bad recent stress levels have been, my stomach has been a pain to deal with. Thankfully I'm learning what triggers it (stress and anxiety) and what I can do to help it heal faster. Now that I'm also noticing which foods can aggravate it, it's getting better. Still, I know some people must go "wow, poor girl. So hard." A lot of people aren't aware of the multitude of options I have. I've learned to substitute eggs in baked goods with applesauce, bananas, and other things. Need flour? There's rice flour. Milk? There's so many options. I cut wheat out of my diet almost a month ago (reintroducing it briefly as part of an elimination diet) and I've still managed to gain a little bit of weight (which I'm excited about).

Sometimes I wonder if guys see this as a big obstacle. I don't like to go out to eat without checking menus and ingredient lists online first. I'd rather cook at home. In fact, I sincerely enjoy it. I just want to keep myself healthy, you know? I'm sure some guys see this as a huge hassle. Then we have other obstacle... which I personally don't see as an obstacle: my mother. Yes, there is a reason I brought her up; she was the second part of my conversation.

My mother is part of the packaged deal. While she doesn't meddle in my affairs (she's always let me make my own mistakes so I can learn and grow from them and I know she won't get involved in any squabbles I may have with future fella), I know guys don't like that. A lot of guys have basically said "oh... she's in your life that much? See ya!" I'm always going to want to live as close to her as possible because of her memory issues. I can't abandon her, you know? What a wretched thing it would be; to leave her to fend for herself during her moments in which she needs someone to help her. However, this is also part of my fear.

Taking my food intolerances and stomach issues, my occasional anxiety (which is getting better, thank goodness), and my mother being close... I sometimes fear that I'm going to stay single because no guy is going to want to deal with that. I try to remain optimistic and say that someday a guy will look at these things and go "oh, those aren't deal breakers; I want to go through this with you. We can do this together." That's my mentality most of the time... but the terrible trio of doubts will occasionally try to trip me.

Seeing the St. Therese prayer card on top of a book about dating was a sort of "hey, don't listen to those doubts; just keep praying" sign for me. No, I don't need signs but it was a lovely reminder to trust God. St. Therese was so sure of her vocation, even when she had to wait years to be allowed to enter the convent. Maybe she and I should have a conversation in the form of a novena. Maybe she can inspire me to do something more. I pray for my future husband but maybe not as often as I should. Maybe I should step up my prayers for my own vocation as well. Yes, I also pray that God prepares me for my future husband as well. I've entrusted this to the Immaculate Heart of Mary -- to help guide me to be the best wife I can be to my future husband and the best mama our future kids can have. I want to have strength where he may be weak and I'm sure God is preparing him to be strong where I'm weak.

Anyway, I'm writing this past midnight (it's almost 1 a.m. right now) because it's just something that I felt a strong urge to share on this blog. I'm not sure if I'll chicken out and delete this before it gets published but, if I don't, I hope that these rambling thoughts make sense to someone. I rarely see blog posts about fears regarding their vocations as future spouses so I hope this helps someone in the same boat.

Alright, I should try to get some sleep. It's already way past my bedtime.

I hope y'all are doing well! :)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!

Where Have All the Gentlemen Gone?

As my cousin and my brother both rushed to open the doors (each opened one of the two doors) for me at a restaurant on Saturday, I had this weird moment in which I didn't know what to think or do. "Wait... you're opening the door(s)? For me? Really? Why... thank you!" Every time my brother opens the doors for both mom and I -- including the car door -- I'm just a little surprised that I get that experience. It's not that he hasn't always done it; I just don't experience it outside of my family and the odd guy friend too often. Now that I think about it, I think only one or two of my guy friends do this for me and one of them started doing it after one of his friends called him out on it. "You don't open the door for Emmy? She's a lady. What is wrong with you?" He's done it since and I thank him every time.

I don't know if it's because I've been brought up with "old fashioned" values or because I never went "full feminist" when I was away from the Church, but I grew up sort of expecting men to open doors for me. I know the word "expecting" sounds horrible to some but that was my reality. My parents taught me that it was good manners for men to open doors for women. They didn't do it because a woman was weak or fragile; they did it as a sign of respect. "Men should treat women how they would treat their mothers or would want others to treat their mothers" was the reason I was given. It seems logical; who wouldn't want their mother (or father) to be respected? In fact, the thought that men opening doors for women was a sign of our implied weakness never entered my mind until recently when someone said that feminists argue that that's why they don't want men opening doors for them. That just seems silly to me.

Before I go on I should also say that I was also taught that the "men should open doors for women" mentality excludes elderly and disabled men for obvious reasons. In fact, I was taught to give up my seat to an elderly person (man or woman) on a crowded bus. Again, it's out of respect and the fact that as we enter a certain age, we slow down and our bodies aren't as strong as they once were. 

I don't know if my generation (Millennials who are now as old as their mid-late 30s or as young as their mid-late teens) was just not taught proper manners by those who should've taught us better or if society collectively tried to change what was the norm for us. Maybe it's a combination of both. I know I personally had conflicting ideals from both my parents and school and what was portrayed in the media, especially when it came to morals. Either way, it's gotten to the point where I'm actually shocked when a young man who is under 35 acts like a gentleman. 

Now, fellas, I'm not dumping on all of you. I do know some "feminists" (and I use quotes because my definition of the word is undoubtedly different from others') do have issues with men doing things like opening doors, offering to carry heavy items, etc. I do know that our society has become too PC and doing any "old fashioned" could get you labeled as being sexist or even chauvinistic. Personally I think it's ridiculous and I would like to urge men -- and especially young men -- to fight it. Not with words but with gestures. 

Employ the golden rule with slight modification: "do unto others as you would have them do unto you." Think about how you'd want someone else to treat your mother, your sister, your wife, or even your daughter. Open doors for women or even elderly men. Pull out chairs for us. Offer to carry heavy things for us. You men have better upper body strength than we women. It's a biological fact, people. That's why men can lift and carry heavier things easier than us women. On the flip side, we women have better lower body strength which is why we're the ones who are biologically prepared to carry another human being for 9 months. Logic.

Don't worry about what others may say or how they may react. We have this incredible opportunity to help the next generation (and younger generations) rediscover proper manners. Little kids seeing it done frequently will be more likely to do the same when they get older because it'll be the norm for them. Ladies, let's try to give guys encouragement when they do these gestures. Let's thank them for their chivalry. I'm sure a smile and a "thank you" would be appreciated. What do you say? Do you accept this (sort-of) challenge I'm issuing you?

Anyway, this was just a quick blog post about something I've been thinking about for the past couple of days. I need to go get a late lunch started so that mom has something to eat when she gets home. Oh, and if you could please say a prayer for her, I'd greatly appreciate it. There was an aggressive black dog that wanted to bite her yesterday and she fell and scraped her kneecaps pretty badly trying to get away from it. Since it was raining and she fell hard on the asphalt, she was in a lot of pain yesterday. Please and thank you.

I hope y'all are having a good week thus far. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Messes and Brothers and Podcasts! Oh My!

Messes. Messes everywhere. I'm itching to get them cleaned up but I'll blog first because I don't know when I'll have time to write (or even read!) again.

If you've been following me on Twitter, you know that we had new carpet installed in our entire apartment last Friday. Thank goodness! Our carpet was about 15 years old and we were having major allergy problems with it, not to mention that the nails were starting to poke out. We started moving things on Thursday morning because it was scheduled to be done on that day but they ran out of time. Anyway, moving everything and having the old carpet ripped out meant that I had to disconnect the wifi since the cable modem is set up in the living room and can't be moved from that specific area. Yes, I was technically internet-free (at least via the laptop and iPod touch) for a while. It was quite liberating. I actually kept things unplugged for hours longer than necessary. I had my basic internet needs met by my phone and even then I didn't use it too much. It was great. That's part of the reason why I haven't blogged lately. That and...

My brother is visiting for the week! Hooray! He arrived on Saturday night. I was supposed to get my car back in time to pick him up from the airport that day. Nope. I called the mechanic (I kid you not) about 25 times all day trying to get a hold of him so I could get my car on time. At around noon he promised he would have it done before 7 p.m. Nada. He didn't call me back until around 9 p.m. (while I was arriving at the airport in my neighbor's van) telling me that he had the wrong power steer part and that he'd have my car ready for Monday night. Guess who still doesn't have her car back on Tuesday afternoon. Yep, still me. Thankfully my downstairs neighbor was kind enough to drive us to the airport to pick my bro up and then broski rented a car for the week (which I wish I could've prevented with the use of my own car) so we're set until this weekend when he goes back home.

Having my brother here has been great! We missed him terribly. I've been out of the house every day (except today) that he's been here which has been great but draining. I'm pretty sure his extrovert nature doesn't get that my introvert nature needs to recharge after days of going out. We've been to various parts of the city and county over the last couple of days. All that traffic. All those people. If I didn't have to wait for a call back from the city inspector (because they still haven't finished my bathroom; it's been 3 months now) nor had to take care of stuff here, I would've probably gone with him elsewhere today.

I'll be honest and say that I'm grateful to have the excuse to stay home today because I'm exhausted. He's an extrovert and bounces back quickly. I don't. I need my "give me a few hours to myself" time. lol. I'll be okay in a couple of hours, I'm sure. I felt bad not going with him on his mini road trip but, seriously, I need to recharge.

That's been my life in the last couple of days: messes from the carpet installation and hanging out with my brother. There's one more thing: this is not the official announcement but I'm toying with the idea of keeping a weekly Spanish-language Catholic podcast. The idea of a podcast has been presented to me by several people over the years but it never seemed like the right move or the right time for me. However, after searching for some podcasts for my mom, I noticed the need for them. Since my Spanish-language blog idea didn't get past the initial posts (I simply spread myself thin during a time when life was too crazy), a podcast seemed like the next logical step.

The yet-to-be-named podcast will follow the same idea as the Spanish-language blog only it will be in audio form so I don't get overwhelmed with too much writing when I return to school in April. There's something about hearing the tone of a person's voice instead of just imagining it in your head that makes a big difference in trying to get certain messages across; there's no guessing or miscommunication. I'm not a fan of my speaking voice -- especially in Spanish because I apparently have no identifiable accent -- but it's something I really want to do. Again, this is not an official announcement until the details get worked out but, God willing, I will have something by sometime next month. This month is all about my brother's visit and trying to get a few loose ends taken care of before I put my time and effort into something else. I'll be praying for guidance between now and then. :)

Anyway, this was just a little (ha!) update from me. Not sure when my mom and/or brother are getting home so I'm going to crank up my favorite tunes and get some work done while I have the house to myself. :D

I hope y'all are having a good start of week!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D