The 7 Things I Love

I was tagged by both Kelly of Gratiae Ut Deus and Joe of Verbum Veritatis to do this so I will. Also, it serves as a "filler" post since I haven't finished reading "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" yet. And, yes, the blog (which I started last week) is on that particular topic. I have my reasons which you will soon read about... Anyway, without further ado -- the 7 Things I Love

1. Going to Mass and wearing a mantilla to the Mass. Anything having to do with the Mass makes me happy. Liturgical abuses make me one sad nerd. P.S. I refuse to clap along when singing hymns.

2. Saints. Reading saints books and having saint dreams. I'm also in the process of making myself a bracelet made out of saint medals.

3. Tea. All kinds of tea. I even drink it during the super hot summer. I guess you can call me a tea addict. Maybe I should've been born British. lol.

4. Flowers. I don't know why but I'm not happy unless there's a couple of flowers in each room. I also like falling asleep in a friend's garden. My favorites are different kinds of lilies and pink roses. If I ever have a home with a big backyard, I'll have a huge garden and put a statue of St. Fiacre in the middle of it. Wouldn't mind getting one of St. Therese of Lisieux's roses either. ;)

5. Things from the late 1930s to early 50s. Fashion, movies, music... love it all from that era. In fact, if I had the money, I would change my entire room to reflect this. Audrey Hepburn would be proud. :)

6. Music in general. Dancing to music, singing along to music, playing an instrument, etc. I have an "addiction" to iTunes. I've been trained (vocals and guitar) by the best, too. I've been very lucky. I still say St. Cecilia chose me, not the other way around, and am very happy she's my confirmation saint. :D

7. Ireland and the Irish culture. I don't know why but ever since I was a little girl, I've had a thing about Ireland. I wear a claddagh ring (and want to eventually get one with an emerald - my birthstone - on it)... one of my patron saints is Irish (St. Dymphna)... I look forward to St. Patrick's Day more than I do Valentine's Day and/or other holidays... in middle school I use to mumble something about wishing I was Irish on St. Patrick's Day to anyone who would listen... the men of Celtic Thunder and The Script make me swoon like a school girl (lol), etc.

See? That was short and painless and now you know a little more about the nerdette that writes this blog. lol. Okay, now I'm going back to my reading. :D I hope to have the new post tomorrow but no promises. :) Hope everyone had a good week. Thanks for reading and God Bless. :D

Should This Nerd Stay or Go?

It's been over a month since dad died and I'm still attempting to go on with my life as much as I can. Last Tuesday, the 11th, a good friend of mine took my mom and I to the cemetery to leave flowers for dad since it had been a month since he died. I think we're going back on the 22nd to leave him more flowers, since he was buried the 22nd of July. The shock has worn off, the crying comes and goes. I'm also going through the "anger" stage in the mourning process at the moment. I feel upset all the time but I keep it in because I know if I snap it'll be directed towards my mother (who's also going through the anger stage; we're driving each other crazy so we interact as little as possible at the moment) and that would not only be disrespectful, but very hurtful. The last thing I want is to hurt her. I went through the numbness and the shock. I went through the guilt stage pretty quickly because Lord knows I did all I could to help him. The depression stage is supposed to come and go and I already went through a bit of that last week. But while I'm going through all of this, I'm still hopeful and optimistic. It's weird that I've been able to hold onto this throughout everything. I guess I truly am an eternal optimist.

I guess maybe I am still going through a guilt stage... only not over dad's death. With school starting on the 31st for me, I have to start thinking (again) on where I'll apply to for transfer this Fall. I have ruled out Mount St. Mary's College (L.A.) for good, though I was truly happy there. I'm trying to be practical and it would just be too expensive for me to be there for another couple of years. I've been thinking of re-applying to UBC in Vancouver, Canada (where I was originally destined for this Fall) and a couple of univerisities in England because it's always been a dream of mine to attend college outside the States. If I could, without any guilt, I would go to UBC. But I can't exactly do that without thinking things through... and with A LOT of prayer.

See, I have this dilemma right now. For the first time in my college career, I don't have anything keeping me in Los Angeles. Every time in the past, there was something - usually dad's battles with cancer. Now that dad's no longer with us, and I've got a good handle on my anxiety, there's nothing that's really keeping me here... except my mother. The one time I have the ability to be selfish and follow one of my dreams, I can't because I have mom to take care of. I'm fully aware that she's a grown woman and can take care of herself... yet, I still feel responsible for her. In so many ways, I've become the adult in the family. I keep track of things and keep her from doing things (like spending massive amounts of money on things we don't need) that would affect the both of us. She's currently battling another cold... which she got because she didn't listen to me about not taking a shower and then going out at 4 in the morning, a number of times. She was just getting over her bronchitis and I knew the cold, wet hair + cold pre-dawn weather would not help her. It's weird that it's almost like roles have been reversed and now I'm the mother in this relationship. Because of all of this, I feel like I can't go... though I really want to.

Now the question I have is... should I stay or should I go? UBC is my dream school and I think I have a pretty good chance of getting in and doing very well there. I want to be autonomous, which I know I can be, and really enjoy my youth. Of course, doesn't mean I'm going to go crazy -- I just want to go to a top university that offers all the courses I would love to take. Anyway, my idea of a good time is drinking tea and reading a book. lol. AND UBC has both a Newman Center for Catholic students AND a Catholic chapel within the university. That was what sealed the deal for me -- what made me really want to go there. At the same time, I'm afraid to leave my mother. Not afraid because I don't think I can take care of myself, I know I can. I'm afraid of leaving her here because I know she would need me in more ways than one. I'm the only family she has left; I have her AND my brothers and sister left.

It doesn't help that she's starting to guilt trip me into not going anywhere. I honestly can't even go out with my friends, even if it's for a quick bite. She either wants to go with me EVERYWHERE I go, or if I tell her (politely and respectfully) that I'd like some alone time with my friends, she guilt trips me into staying home because she can't come with me. It's both frustrating and understandable. I think this is where part of the "anger" I'm feeling is coming from, and I don't like it. As Fr. Juan told me last week, the opposite of love is anger, so I should really try to get this out of my system. I've started asking St. Jerome for his help in dealing with this impatience/anger/frustration since he had a similar problem when he was alive. I'm not used to feeling this way; it's all very new to me.

Maybe I've felt an inexplicable want/need to be closer to St. Therese of Lisieux because of all of this. She lost her mother at a very young age. She knew her vocation early on as well (though I'm quite sure that my vocation is to be a wife and mother, and not a religious sister). I'm sure there is a lot I can learn from her. This feeling has been building, slowly, over the last couple of weeks. I really need to get my hands on her autobiography. The only book I have on her (which isn't her autobiography) is only a few pages long and is in Spanish. I grew up speaking, reading, and writing Spanish but I've always felt more comfortable doing these things in English. Too bad my school textbooks are costing an arm and a leg, or else I would get myself her autobiography right now. Hmm...

Well, to wrap up this blog, I will say that it looks like I'm going to be undecided for a long time. If at least one of you guys can please help me pray... that I get some sort of clue as to what to do, I'd greatly appreciate it. I might take some time away from the computer, after my London research (which I am doing from home instead of directly from/at London as planned; again, I can't go anywhere. :(), just to do some heavy praying and meditating. I think I'll ask St. Elizabeth Ann Seton, or St. Bridget of Sweden to help mom out (they are two of the many patronesses of widows). Actually... I just realized something VERY weird. A couple of months ago I had a dream that my big brother Moises (who died as an infant) showed me a holy card of St. Catherine of Sweden and told me it was meant for mom... St. Catherine of Sweden was the daughter of St. Bridget of Sweden, who is the patroness of widows. Wow. What a weird coincidence... I'll try finding a prayer card of St. Bridget for mom...

Alright, I think that's enough for now. I think I might go to the San Fernando Mission for a little while (perk of living not too far from it) and see if that doesn't help me with this little anxious feeling I've had all week. No full blown panic attacks yet (thank you, St. Dymphna!). Oh, and btw, I HAVE been working on blogs, one of which has been in draft form on here (not yet published), for a couple of days. That one is taking a bit of research. :D More will come before I go back to school. I hope everyone is doing well and is having a good end of summer.

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless. :D

The Anti-Muffin Award; Music Monday: Britt Nicole.

Thank you, Rose of A Rose in Bloom, for the Anti-Muffin Award. So, what exactly is the Anti-Muffin Award all about? Rose created it and gave it to bloggers "who are decidedly "Anti-Muffins". Bloggers who promote what they believe without hesitation and without fear of possible negative feedback. Bloggers who don't conform to the world's standards." I hope I do the award justice. I certainly don't shy away from writing about what I believe, fully knowing that I have friends who read this blog regularly and who have the opposite beliefs I do regarding certain social issues. I don't do it to get a rise out of anyone; I just write what I'm discovering on this lifelong journey as a faithful Roman Catholic.

I'd like to pass along this award to the following bloggers:
- Rebecca of Modestia and Catholic in Film School, for continuing her great work to help promote modesty in fashion. She definitely shows us young women that it IS possible to find great clothing that won't compromise our beliefs.

- Clare of The Catholic Young Woman (formerly A Maiden's Wreath) for, like Rebecca, helping promote modesty and not being ashamed of the fact. We need more women like this.

- Monique of Catholic Chicks, for helping empower Catholic women of all ages by using different mediums.

- Claire Christina of Musings of a Twentysomething, for being one of the most faithful, and traditional, young women I've met. Next time you're in L.A., we'll definitely work out the transportation issues. :D

- Joe of Verbum Veritatis, not only for being a great friend and coming to Mass with me the day after my father passed away (sorry about all those liturgical abuses, I can't control those!) but for sharing his discernment journey... as well as calling out all the liturgical abuses we often see in the Los Angeles Archdiocese. btw, he's so far the only one that can confirm the fact that I wear mantillas to Mass. :D

- Fr. Austin Murphy of Jesus Goes to Disney World, for continuing to bring the Catholic faith and pop culture together to help better understand our faith to young people everywhere. btw, Happy Belated birthday, Fr. Austin!

And, though the following don't blog/update as often as the rest of us, I'd like to pass it on to the following because, on a personal level, I know how deep their faith runs and how they never shy away from speaking out about their faith:
- Delaney of Hat Full of Hope
- Andrew of Per Fidem

Hooray for Anti-Muffins everywhere! lol.

I promise not to make this post any longer so I will just say that I am bringing back Music Mondays! I will continue to spotlight an artist that make good, positive music for everyone instead of "selling out" and doing what they think will help them sell more records to the masses. This week's artist is Britt Nicole.

While Britt Nicole may not be Catholic, she is still a hardworking Christian artist that allows her music to speak out on her faith. Her latest album, The Lost Get Found, will be out tomorrow but you can listen to her album for free (thanks to Sparrow Record) before it hits stores tomorrow. Just like her first album, Say It, tracks include songs that inspire young women not to be afraid to speak out on their faith and their love of God.

This is the first single, and title track, off her latest album, and is also the perfect example of the kind of message she tries to send others.


Alright, that's all for now. I want to get back to this book I'm reading (and hoping to do a completely honest review of it; I won't be kind...) so I can get up a new entry soon. I hope everyone had a lovely weekend. :) As always, thanks for reading and God Bless. :D

Getting Excited about WYD 2011; Saint Books

Is anyone besides myself getting really excited about World Youth Day 2011 in Madrid, Spain? I know it's still 2 years away but with the introduction of the new logo for the event and the website the Archdiocese of Madrid has launched (which is currently only in Spanish), it's a little hard not to get excited! I was excited last year, and all I did was watch it on T.V. Btw, yes, I did sacrifice sleep to watch most, if not all, of it. :D One of the downsides of living on the U.S. West Coast and having the event broadcast live from Australia; several hours ahead of us. I was so bummed I couldn't go last year. I was still dealing with my anxiety (which was still in full force and was just getting into the routine of going to Mass without getting panic attacks) and we were also still dealing with dad's chemotherapy at the time. While I didn't get to experience the entire thing in person, I am thankful that EWTN (especially the Spanish channel, which is the only one Time Warner Cable allows me to watch without extra cost) broadcast it. I felt like I was still able to experience the joy and wonder of it all, though, admittedly, not the same way the people who went probably did. I was even on the edge of my seat, waiting for them to announce where the next WYD would take place, and I was overjoyed when it was announced that it would happen in Spain. I told myself that I would try to do everything I could to make sure I would be able to go to the next one in Madrid.

I told my parents that we would all go to the next WYD, especially since it's happening in the country where our ancestors came from. (Here's my Spanish heritage pride coming out. lol.) They both said that it was a plan. I actually planned on helping them return to the Church by then, if not then and there, but things don't always go as we planned. Anyway, as soon as the Spanish language website and logo were revealed, I told my mom about this. We now have a game plan. We're going to set aside a little bit of money every week for the remainder of the time so that we can go. I'll also have to figure out how to help mom with her fear of flights/airplanes, and, okay, myself as well (although, I'm more used to that than she is) but I still have more than enough time to figure that out. :D I fully intend on making the trip and hopefully I'll be able to stick around Spain for a bit after to visit places like where St. Teresa of Avila, and other Spanish saints, lived. :D

And while I'm talking about St. Teresa of Avila, I hope to re-read (and actually finish this time) her autobiography, long with other saint books before I head back to school. I've already gone through 4 books (plus currently reading another) but they haven't been about saints, or even Catholicism. As soon as I finish the one I'm reading (Jane Austen themed), I will re-read one of Bl. Pier Giorgio's books and finish the other I haven't read. After that, I hope to finish St. Augustine's Confessions, a book on St. Therese of Lisieux (which is in Spanish and was passed down to me by mom), one on St. Philomena, all before I go onto St. Teresa of Avila's book. The reason I saved hers for last was because it'll prepare me for the new school year. I don't know what it is about her and her autobiography but it definitely puts me in the right mind frame to tackle school. I hope to finish them all by the 30th (which gives me 23 days, 22 if you don't count today). I do intend to write reviews for them. I hope to get my hands on St. Therese of Lisieux's autobiography, too. I love saint books. If anyone has any more suggestions for good saint books, please let me know! Any and all suggestions are welcomed. I'm a bibliophile that needs to have a book with her at all times. lol. :D

Alright, I think that's about it. I've fallen into my summer reading mode and I am not online much because of it. All I need is a book, some jazz music, and a cup of peppermint tea to be perfectly content. If you can add some lilies to the room, even better. Yes, I'm a full on nerd. lol. Sorry this post has been a little boring, I'm just very anxious to get back to my book. lol. I hope to write something a little more substantial next time; perhaps even a book review on one of the books on my list. :)

OH! Before I forget... I currently have NO prayer requests from anyone. Aww. :( If any of you would like me to pray about something -- illness, lack of job, anything! -- please let me know. I LOVE praying for others and my little book is currently empty. :(

Okay, that's all for now. I hope everyone had a great week and will have a great weekend as well. :D Thanks for reading! God Bless. :D
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Dad's Warning; Mission Complete! New Mission Set?

I'm sorry it's taken so long to update. I had hoped to jump right back into blogging after my last entry but the shock finally began to wear off and I spent a good week away from the computer (both as a promise to St. Timothy as a 'thank you' for his intercession and for my own mental health). I am still trying to figure out how to do this... live without dad in my life. I had already begun developing a pattern while he was in the hospital (the last month of his life) but it didn't really hit me, until last week, that it's now just mom and I. I did spend a couple of days just completely bummed out and crying over the smallest things, but I'm happy that I got it out of my system. Of course, I will always have dad in my heart and mind but the grieving process is moving along well... and I know that dad's in heaven, or the very least purgatory, and looking after us now, especially after the dreams I've been having of him. One particular one ended up coming true, too.

If you've read my blog long enough, you know that I usually have saint dreams. Don't know why or how but it's what I usually dream about. Last week my dreams were a little different. For a couple of days I dream that there was a massive earthquake and that dad hurried us out of the way, and took care of us so that we were safe. That lasted for about 4 days; same plot - earthquake, dad rescuing us, different setting. Then I had a dream in which dad answered a question I had in real life. I won't go too into the specifics of it because it's of a personal nature (as in, regarding my love life) but I will say that I had NO CLUE that the advice and warning I had would come true later that day. In the dream, dad warned me that while the guy wasn't exactly a bad person, he wasn't the best choice for me and I wouldn't be happy. I clearly remember dad shrugging and said "It's not my choice, it's up to you if you want him like that, but..." with a look that made me understand that I would not be happy with what I was about to find out about the guy. I told my mom the dream and a few hours ago, I found out exactly what dad was hinting at in my dream. Again, I told my mom and she said she thought it was a direct warning from dad through my dreams. One of the last conversations I had with my dad was about just that, my future relationships, and he said that he trusted my judgement so he wouldn't interfere. If the dream was an actual warning, I'm glad he DID interfere because it saved me from a broken heart. I came out relatively unscathed... though, later on, I did get my heart nearly broken but this time by someone I considered a best friend; the heart break was not of a romantic nature, either. I'm sure this will be a surprise to most of my friends because, just as I've said on this blog, I very rarely discuss this part of my life with anyone who isn't my mother. Anyway, thank you daddy for the warning!

And while I'm still talking about my parents... I DID IT! My mission is now complete!!! "What mission?" You may ask? As I've mentioned many times before, like in this entry, my life's mission became to get my parents back to the Church. For the past 3 years, that had been my ultimate goal. I got into many arguments with my father over it but eventually broke him down first. Thank God in Heaven that I was able to get him to come back just a little over a month before he passed away! Dad was the most stubborn person, but I did it. Of course I'm not taking all the credit here; I know God used me to get him (and eventually mom) back to Him. He passed away closed to God and having received the Eucharist, for the last day, only a few days before his death. While dad was in the hospital, mom and I never missed Mass. It became a routine for us to go to the first English Mass our parish offers and then go visit dad at the hospital before we came home. We still haven't missed more than one Mass (the weekend we both had fevers and horribly ill) in a long while. In fact, we went to Mass the day after dad passed away (he died on a Saturday, we went to Mass that Sunday). It seemed that all my bugging, coupled with my father's death, finally broke mom down. She was actually considering going to confessions the week before my father passed away but dad's death really made it click for her. This past Saturday, she finally went to confessions... after many prayers (btw, a massive THANK YOU to my twitter friends who helped me pray for courage for my mom) and a lot of "coaching" on my side. I had to remind her what kinds of things she had to confess and the Act of Contrition, which she'd forgotten. I had to do it in Spanish, too, 'cause she feels more at ease with the language. She kept saying she was too nervous but I told her what I think about confession and why I think it's important that we do it, so she finally got the courage to do it. I was SO happy when I came out of my confession and saw that she was inside with the Hispanic priest. YES! The next day, she received the body and blood of Christ. I will admit that I teared up a bit when I saw that happen. My heart was overjoyed. I could feel the presence of the Lord with us in that moment when we both received the Eucharist. :D Mom's also been praying a whole lot more lately. Thank you, Lord, for allowing me to do this (again, with His help) and achieving my ultimate goal! That has ever made me happier and prouder than seeing both of my parents back at the Church. :D

One little thing about that, though... I need a new ultimate goal in life. I honestly didn't think God would grant me my biggest wish so soon. I thought it was going to take me a number of years to get them back; especially dad. I had years of fights with him, every weekend, because he didn't want to go to church. I was thinking that maybe I should continue this path -- getting more people back to the Church; or at the very least to confess. One small step. My parents weren't the first. A few months ago, I helped convince another older woman to go back to confessions for the first time in decades. She was a stranger but she was drawn to talk to me while I waited an hour to confess. I don't know how I convinced her but I did it and it made me happy. I won't forget the gratitude I felt, thanking God for allowing me to do it. I've also started getting a few others on the road to returning, all without trying. Maybe this is what God wants me to do for Him. I'd be more than happy to do it! We'll see what happens...

Alright, well, that's going to be it for now. I have a lot to write, but will do it little by little so I can have a few more posts this month before I head back to school. *groan* Why does my summer have to end so quickly? On the upside, my Philosophy of Judaism, Christianity, and Islam (my Religious Studies lower division course for the semester) is looking promising. :D I'm procrastinating, aren't I? Okay, I'll stop writing soon. lol.

Thank you for all for your continued prayers and support. It's meant a lot to our family that so many people would take time out of their lives to pray for us in our time of need. Thank you for reading and God Bless you all! :D

P.S. For those of you who have asked, my cousin's grandson is no longer in the ICU for his pneumonia. He is doing much better, though is still in the hospital. Thank you for your prayers!