Fatherless Father's Day

Every year there are three bittersweet days for me: my father's birthday (March 22nd), the day of his death (July 11th; coincidentally also St. Benedict of Nursia's feast day, patron of the dying), and Father's Day. Sweet because I'm reminding of the father I had and bitter because he's no longer here.

I can't tell you how annoyed I get when stores begin to send me their "Get your father the best gift..." emails. I want to reply "My father died years ago; please stop reminding me." I don't but I certainly think it with every email I get. Best Buy is especially annoying when it comes to that, by the way. I think I received no less than 5 emails about it over the last week or two.

It's so easy to dwell on the pain of no longer having my father here with me. Yes, even though he's been gone for almost 7 years now (7 years in a couple of weeks), it's not easy and it never will be. Though the pain is not as raw as it was years ago, I still miss him terribly. I don't think anyone ever fully "recovers" from their parents' deaths but we can be at peace knowing they're in a better place. My faith has helped me be and stay at peace even during particularly difficult moments.

Though things are hard, I've chosen not to dwell on them. Instead, I give thanks to God for having given me a wonderful father for the first 24 years of my life. I'm thankful that my father (who was notorious for forgetting my birthday every year) returned to the Church the day before my 24th birthday (his birthday gift to me), confessing to a priest and then receiving the Eucharist after being away from the Church for over 40 years. I'm also thankful that, the day before his death (almost exactly 24 hours before), a different kind of Father (a priest) came to administer the Last Rites to my father.

I choose to be thankful for all the men in my life who have been there for me since my father's death. First of all, shout out to God who is my heavenly Father and keeps loving and guiding this imperfect daughter of His. I'm grateful for my "big brother" (an older cousin who is like a brother to me), Pedro, who stepped up and became the "man of the house" in the years following my father's death until Mom and I were able to stand on our own. Seeing him with his own kids reminds me that there are good loving fathers out there. For my friends who became "uncles" and "big brothers" to me (and who have families of their own), who checked in on me (and still do), who've help guide me and have given me guy advice over the guys, I can't thank enough. And, last but certainly not least, to the Fathers (priests) whose guidance has helped both my mother and I grow spiritually in the last couple of years.

Even though I don't have my earthly father living anymore, I'm going to keep celebrating the other men in my life -- family members, those who are like family, my friends who are raising their children up beautiful, my priest friends (and priests in general). I'm going to pray for those who are hurting (those who've lost their fathers like I have), those who never knew their fathers, those who are fathers and are loving fathers to their children, and those who are fathers but don't know how to be fathers to their children's lives for whatever reason. I'm also going to pray for my future husband, that God helps him become the kind of father our future children need.

Maybe I should rethink the title as it seems that I won't have a fatherless Father's Day after all; not with all the wonderful father figures in my life. :)

Anyway, these are my thoughts on the day. To all my readers who are fathers (either biologically or spiritually), thank you for all the hard work and sacrifices you do for your children. I hope you have a lovely Father's Day tomorrow. :D

I hope y'all (men and women) have a great weekend. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Freedom!!... Sort Of.

Hello everyone! No, I didn't forget about y'all. Yes, there were a couple of times when I wanted to write but couldn't. Why? Final project (a 3-week Bible study on the Davidic kingdom covenant), lots of reading, a couple of weekly exams, and then the final exam, which I literally finished 8-9 minutes before it was due last night. Basically, if I could study instead of doing something else, I chose to study. That means I had to decline on a couple of outings, I didn't do much reading for fun, and I was basically glued to the kitchen chair (I study best at the kitchen table). Now I understand why people would tell me that I would no longer have a life once I started grad school. Still, I am done for the next two weeks... sort of.

While I do have a two week break between the end of the Spring quarter (yesterday) and the beginning of the Summer quarter (June 27th), I have a lot of reading to do to prepare for the class. I think it's almost 100 pages or so before then? I already purchased all the books I'll need and I'm going to tackle the readings... next week. I just want to have this week to catch up on sleep and maybe watch some of my favorite Hallmark movies on Feeln. Did I mention I was warned that grad school would mean I'd kiss my free time goodbye? lol.

Even though I don't have much of a break between quarters (the longest is about 3 or 4 weeks in the winter), I've found the program to be very rewarding. My spiritual life has grown in ways I never anticipated. Yes, the program is intense and rigorous; it's not for the faint of heart. They want us to know these things like the back of our hands, which means a lot of reading, a lot of memorizing, and a lot of hard work. I have to get started on paper/projects weeks before they are due. I have to stay on top of the assigned readings, the lecture videos, and the quizzes every week or else I'm doomed. The comprehensible exams at the end are still slightly panic inducing.

Last night, before I took my final exam, I had this moment where I had a mini breakdown in confidence. "What am I doing in this program? I can't do this! Stupid anemia makes it hard for me to remember anything. How am I going to remember anything from weeks ago when I could barely remember when I took those quizzes that same week (or the week after)?!" I quickly looked up the website of the local school that offers an 18-month program to get me back into the SLP field; I was that discouraged. Then I remembered that this was most likely some sort of spiritual attack. I'd been fine before it. In fact, I had never been so sure that this was the path God wants me to take... up until the final exam. Not even the 10 total hours of revision and exam-taking helped.

I had a conversation with God half an hour before I took the exam. I broke down in tears as I said, "I can't do this, God. I can't remember these things. I tried. I tried my hardest and I can't remember most of what I studied. This anemia is just kicking me down. I slept almost 10 hours today and yesterday. I'm exhausted. I can't concentrate. I can't remember. I need Your help. I'm weak but You aren't. You're going to have to do this for me because I just... I can't. I can't do this by myself. If this is the path You want me to take, You're going to have to help me out. If I don't pass this exam... I'll look at something else. Please help me."

I prayed the prayer to St. Joseph of Cupertino. I asked the Holy Spirit and the Sacred Head of Jesus to enlighten my mind. I also bugged the Immaculate Heart of Mary, St. Thomas Aquinas, Pope St. John Paul II (my school's patron saint), Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati, St. Catherine of Siena, and any saints that could intercede for me. I did better than expected on the multiple choice portion of the exam. I have no idea on how I did on the essay portion of the exam -- the hardest part of the exam. I tried. I did my best. Now to wait and see what my final grade will be. After the disaster that was the Fall quarter, I'm admittedly a little nervous because a low grade will disqualify me from the program.

As someone who has struggled with academic pride in the past, last night was a wonderful lesson in humility and a reminder that I can't do things without the help of God. I'm not Superwoman. I'm weak. I need God to help me often. I still have a long way to go in the humility department; something I think many of us will struggle with in one form or another for most of our lives since pride is such an easy sin to fall into. Thankfully, God reminded me that He's there for me when I feel beaten down. I can do all things through Him... and He'll be there when I feel like I can't go further.

Okay, I'm going to keep rambling on so I'm going to stop here. lol.

I hope to write daily (or almost daily) during my break. We'll see how many topics my little fried brain can come up with. lol.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to try to finish a book I checked out nearly 3 weeks ago and is due at the library in about 2-3 days.  I'm about 54% done with it. Hashtag: challenge accepted. ;)

I hope y'all have been well and are having a great week thus far. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

I Began Reverting to the Faith a Decade Ago This Month

Mom found an old box with receipts from a decade ago. This wouldn't seem like a big deal -- we all hold onto receipts for a long time -- but it's quite significant for me because the box contains all the doctors and hospital bills I racked up in 2006-2007. The bulk of it was from the summer of 2006 when they couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. I still remember it vividly...

Shortly after I turned 21 -- and around the time the 2006 World Cup (in Germany) started -- I began getting seriously sick. I would faint while taking showers. I felt like I couldn't breathe. I was constantly nauseous. I had little appetite. I felt like I was going to have heart attacks randomly. I would "black out" (literally see black wash over my eyes) at random times. Blood work always came back fine. I would occasionally be slightly dehydrated but nothing to worry about it. "If she continues like this, she's not going to make it too long," I heard someone tell my parents. 

In those days, no one thought it was severe anxiety and PTSD. In fact, PTSD wasn't diagnosed until several years later. The doctors didn't even consider severe anxiety as a possible diagnosis. No one thought it was because the friends I had were mentally and emotionally abusing me. I didn't realize it myself. After a stint in the hospital (I spent 3 out of 5 days in a single week in and out of the hospital), the girls kept calling and harassing me. My parents were livid to say the least. It wasn't until my mother ordered that my social media accounts (in those days: Facebook and Myspace) be shut down and I cut off everyone (EVERYONE) from my life that things began to improve... but it took months. 

Spoiler alert: if you've read the first Will and Lina novel, this was one of the few things that I personally experienced that I wrote into the book for one of the characters. Candace was based on several of the girls that caused problems for me.

In the meantime, in June 2006, I began praying to St. Jude, the patron of difficult cases. My mom mentioned him. I was up for trying anything at that point. I wasn't remotely religious despite being a "cradle Catholic." I wanted to get well. I wanted them to figure out what was going on with me. I bargained (newbie mistake), if I got better, I'd stay in Los Angeles for school rather than leave for England like it was planned. Though I'd set my heart on Bath Spa University (yes, that's the actual name of it), I would stay put. Bargaining due to being poorly catechized, folks. Whatever. I began to see results. I started getting better. Not only that, my curiosity was intrigued. "You mean prayer works?" The seeds were planted. It was slow but by late September 2006 I'd fully embraced my faith and "officially" returned.

There some things from a decade ago that I want to regain. I feel like I've become overly cautious and serious. I wasn't always like this. I used to be described as "bubbly" and was just slightly more sociable (though always more introverted than extroverted) but I lost that after what I went through with the girls. This is something I've been working on in recent months and will continue to work on. These girls no longer have any power over me and I want to get back those aspects of myself that I miss. Still, I wouldn't trade it for what I've learned. In a weird way, I'm grateful for everything that happened because it's led me to where I am. I like the person I've become. 

I'm happy to say that my reversion back to the faith began 10 years ago this week(ish); definitely this month. I thank God for the journey, even though it's been an incredibly difficult 10 years with my health issues, the death of my father, and all the other stuff that's happened. If my mom hadn't mentioned St. Jude to me one of those nights we were in the E.R. and I hadn't began praying, I'm fairly positive I wouldn't have been here, blogging about this.

Anyway, that's it for now. I just wanted to share this. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go back to destroying all those ugly memories of the girls who tormented me and the hospital stays I had a decade ago. ;)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Lack of Concentration During Prayer

Even though I started this post almost 3 weeks ago (it resided in the Land of Draft), it's still true -- I've unintentionally been on autopilot lately and can't concentrate while praying. I knew it had gotten really bad when I found myself completing the third Joyful mystery without having kept count of how many Hail Mary's I'd prayed or even focused on the mystery a few weeks ago. My thoughts were so wrapped up in whatever popped up in my mind that I missed a wonderful opportunity to stop and reflecting on the beauty of the mysteries of the Rosary.

Do you ever find yourself going through the motions or trying to rush through things because you have a long list of things that "need to be done" going through your mind? How about having random thoughts pop into your mind whenever you're trying to focus on prayer? That's what it's been like for me lately. I thought I'd gotten a handle of them during the Lenten season (which I did) but I think the lack of discipline I've had lately due poor time management, messed up priorities, and anemia-induced lack of concentration has done me in. In the past week I've been trying to change that. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. The point is to keep trying and to change things up so you can figure out what works best.

Before I found out that the lack of concentration (even when I really did try and push the distractions to one side), I used to ask myself:"At what point do I let whatever outside stressors take over? What can I do to snap myself back to the present time and focus on God instead of the other things that don't actually matter?" I figured out what was keeping me back: I'd unintentionally fallen back into the social media spiral... and a game spiral on Facebook. Ay. This past week, I started over again.

I went back through my old blog posts from the Lenten season and the beginning of the Easter season to remind me of what I was capable of. I re-read Quieting the World Part One and Part Two, Lenten Lesson: Balance and Moderation, Lenten Lesson: Rearranging Priorities, and Lenten Lesson: Letting Go of Perfection. I remembered how hard it was to get into the habit but how worth it was at the end of the Lenten season. Why couldn't I keep it up after? Who knows. Human weakness? Anemia-induced fatigue? Both of those options and more? Who knows, all I know is that I'm going to try to keep it up again.

I have been using social media less, especially Facebook where I'd gotten addicted to a game. As soon as I figured out the game that had sucked me into major time wasting, I uninstalled/deleted the app and I don't miss it. I've been trying to nap more often in general (hello, fatigued most days almost all day over here) and I try to take exams and study after them so my mind is sharper. I just bought some iron-rich foods which will be interesting since they contain wheat and wheat and I have a complicated relationship (wheat can make me mentally and physically fatigued at times).

I've also been praying and repeating certain prayers and passages in the Little Office when I can't concentrate. Yes, it is a pain to have to do them twice but I am determined to get through them and really let the words sink in, no matter how hard it is... and it is hard at times. Sometimes I rush through prayer without meaning to and I've found that slowing down and going through it word for word helps. I've had success during EWTN's International Rosary videos to pray the Rosary but I don't always have a chance to sit down and pray them when it are on TV (or even to watch them On Demand on the Roku app) so I need to figure out what to do when I want to pray the Rosary but can't use the videos.

Have any of you experienced this before -- the lack of concentration, especially during prayer? Do you have any creative ideas that have worked with you that I haven't mentioned?  Looking forward to hearing your comments. :)

Anyway, I have a couple of things I need to do before the long weekend starts for me (later today). I'm going to try to take tomorrow and Monday off from doing any coursework so pressure is on to finish the lecture videos and do this week's exam by tonight. ;)

I hope y'all are doing well and that you have a lovely start of weekend! :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

As a Woman, I'm Insulted...

Dear (Most) Writers of Women's Fiction,

As a woman, I'm insulted by the rubbish you've written for us. Though I'm grateful that the LAPL (Los Angeles Public Library) has an excellent selection of eBooks for us who can't keep driving to and from one of the local library branches, your books have made me sorry to have so many options because most of them are terrible and an absolute waste of time.

Now, I'm not dumping on everyone. I've read some decent novels that were hard to put down. Though I might've had some personal issues with the language and a small thing or two because I'm a "prude," but, overall, the characters were relatable and the story was engaging. To you 2% who don't focus on superficial things in novels, massive kudos to you!

As a writer, I understand that it's not easy to write a novel. I wrote (and rewrote) my first novel several times over a period of about 5 years. The second was easier as it was a sequel and I already knew how the story was going to end. I get that sometimes when we write, we think what would appeal best to our intended audience. Sometimes, though, I get a feeling that some of us (and I'm going to exclude myself from this bit) write what we think will sell for the sake of selling, leaving the plotline to suffer as a consequences.

As a woman I'm insulted that you think that all we think about is lustful sex... and clothes... and unrealistic romance in an idealistic world. Yes, we women like romance. Hi, I like Hallmark movies and will cry at the end of some of those movies. However, I'm worried that the way stories are written will have an adverse effect on women in general.

What are the most common plots I've noticed in books I've read lately? Woman wants to reform a man... woman wants a man she can't have... woman is unhappy in her relationship/marriage so she seeks to get her pleasure kicks elsewhere... woman dreams about her dream man and she gets him... woman is obsessed with looking thin and perfect. Do you see where there is a problem in the genre?

How about books of women going through real life struggles with the help of their family and friends? How about a focus on platonic love instead of writing smut? Yes, most of us women thrive when we feel a connection with another person, but it doesn't always have to be dramatic and romantic. How about writing about real issues we women face like how complicated relationships are, about women suffering from infertility, about genuine human connections that inspire us to be better women? Why must the majority of books lead down the smutty road of lustful sex? Newsflash: not all of us like that stuff nor do we live it.

I'm sure there's an audience for these types of books but, if the reviews on Goodreads are any indication, most of us are looking for more than one dimensional characters getting their groove on. We want literary women of substance. We want to read about ordinary women who do extraordinary things against all odds. We want to read about heroines who strive for more than finding the perfect boyfriend/husband, having the perfect wedding, and/or exceed in beauty. Give me a "frumpy looking" character whose mind and heart challenges and inspires readers rather than a beautiful one who is shallow and loathsome.

As a writer I promise to try to write characters that I would've hoped someone else would've written for me, if that makes any sense. I want to challenge my readers. I want to show younger readers that there's more to life than snagging the "hot" and "sexy" guy... more than fitting into the "right" clothes... to looking "perfect"... to being what the world expects me to be like. I'm not saying my books will be likeable to all or even "good," but if I can help combat the crud that is out there, I'll be happy.

Anyway, sorry for this rant, y'all. I just got done with yet another terrible novel (this one had a main character who was in an adulterous relationship for 6 YEARS with a man who clearly wasn't going to leave his wife -- not that he should've -- and kept making excuses to stay with him) and I needed to vent my frustration in long form. It frustrates me because so many of these books have promising ideas behind them and the blurbs are intriguing but the ysimply crash and burn within the first 50 pages.

Any of you ladies have similar thoughts when reading fiction novels, especially those aimed at us? Have any of you read any books that have rich, complex characters that you can recommend? Please let me know; I need stuff to read before bed -- it's how I unwind and it helps me fall asleep. :)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :)