The Demolition Continues: Forgiveness Edition

Within a minute of getting home, I knew what I had to do: hole myself up in my room until he left. It was the safest option after such a shock. 

The feelings? Surprise, anxiety, and (eventually) anger and resentment.

The cause? Someone from my past (who I had avoided seeing at all costs) having the guts to show up at my home, unannounced, after more than a decade of having no communication with him. Oh, and anger at a neighbor who didn't know the situation and called him back (as he was nearly out of the front gate) when she saw me arriving home. She apologized afterward when she was made aware of why this person is not welcomed at my home.

I hate surprises, especially unpleasant ones. Yet, there I found myself, texting friends and asking them to pray that this person would leave my apartment as quickly as possible. I didn't leave my bedroom until I felt it was safe to do so, leaving my poor mother to do all the entertaining. I couldn't fake cordiality. I felt robbed of my peace and I was angry. Seething angry. It takes a lot for me to get that angry but, goodness, I was.

I won't go into too many details about who he was or what he did but let's just say he caused a lot of damage to not only me but my relationship with my father. It was due to his untruths that my father and I had a strained relationship for a long time; one that remained so until this person was caught in his own lies and my father redirected his anger towards him. After my father's death, he tried to do more damage with untruths but, again, he was caught and that severed any hopes of a relationship.

I honestly thought I had forgiven him over the years; that I no longer held any resentment towards him... until he showed up. He knew I didn't want to see him. My brothers had warned him, repeatedly, over the years. His calls went unanswered for years. Yet, he chose to show up and, basically, try to force me to see and talk to him. Nope. Sorry, buddy. Not happening. I guess I hadn't forgiven him after all.

I don't want to hold grudges against anyone. I want to be able to forgive people. I thought I had forgiven everyone who had hurt me... with the exception of the person who hurt me the most, recently. But that wound is still fresh so it'll take me some time to be able to not flinch when someone mentions them. Still, God has shown me that I haven't forgiven the person who showed up at my home... and that I need to. After all, no one can get to Heaven if they're unforgiving of someone who has done them wrong and I sincerely want to spend all eternity with God in Heaven.

I know it won't be easy. I can see (now that the anger has subsided) that God will use this situation to help me move towards forgiveness. I want to forgive him -- and, God willing, I will -- but I'm going to need a lot of help to do so. Enter: me pleading with God for the grace to do so because I can't on my own.

I was telling my mom (after he left) that I feel like I can forgive him... if I never have to see him again. It sounds so petty and uncharitable but I feel like it would be easier for me to be able to forgive him if I never saw him again. I don't want a relationship with him because of the damage he inflicted on my father and I. I also don't trust him to be honest and I cannot have any type of relationship with someone I don't trust. No, it would be best if I can work on forgiving him without having any contact with him again. 

Before you ask why I thought it was best for me to stay in my room: it was the most charitable thing I could do at that moment. I could've either stayed in my room (which I did) or I could've been incredibly rude because (as any of my friends will attest) I cannot fake what I'm feeling. You can just see what I'm thinking and feeling on my face. 

And, yes, I know that I failed at the Benedictine pillar of being hospitable but I was more concerned with my emotional and mental wellbeing at that moment. Imagine seeing someone who had caused a lot of hurt over the years after more than a decade of having nothing to do with them; after their being told you wanted nothing to do with them and their decision to still try it. Not very pleasant, friends. Thankfully, I had the excuse that I had a deadline and an article to write to make it slightly less rude. It was the truth. I had been planning on getting straight to work after Mass and an errand I needed to take my mom on since the previous night. I did excuse myself -- busying myself, writing the latest article while I waited for him to leave -- so, at least, I was able to speak the (non-angry) truth and not be a total jerk to him.

The kicker is that this all happened on the same day that a Mass was offered for me at my home parish. The Mass, which was requested by an anonymous person, was offered for my health and happiness. Yes, those exact words. And. yes, we attended said Mass. I even found a St. Philomena prayer placard someone had left for parishioners to take before we left, which I got excited over. I'm going to take a guess that it was St. Philomena's way of reminding me of both my vocation discernment and of her help if anything big (like this) happens. 

Hmm, this all happened roughly two hours after the Mass had ended. I don't blame God for it (nor am I angry with Him; no reason to be)... but I don't think it's a coincidence either. Remember the last post in which I said that my heart is yearning to belong solely to God? Perhaps, this is yet another thing I must work on; forgiving others so that my heart can belong more fully to Him. It would make sense. How can I love him if I can't love my worst enemy (and this person is as close as one gets to being considered an enemy of mine)?

I guess the demolition continues. As awful as it was (and it took me hours -- and about half of a 1000-piece jigsaw puzzle solved -- afterward for me to feel calm again), I know God will use it for my own benefit. So, let's keep going, God. If You need to keep tearing me down and make me confront unpleasant things so that I can become the woman You want me to be, I won't fight it. I might grumble at first (as it is still the knee-jerk reaction) but I'll accept it and try to learn from it. Your will, not mine.

I'm not sure how long it'll take me to forgive this person but I'm going to try hard. I'm going to take this to prayer and have many, many conversations with God during my time in front of the tabernacle and Blessed Sacrament. I'm going to ask our Blessed Mother and St. Philomena for their help as well. I'm going to do all I can and ask God to help me because I need a boatload of grace to help me reach that goal of forgiveness. After all, anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die; it's just not good for the soul.

Anyway, just another little hiccup that I wanted to share on this journey. Maybe it'll help someone... or have someone share any tips that might've helped them if they were in the same boat. 

Please say a prayer for me as I begin to try to forgive and heal from this massive wound I didn't know I still had.

I hope y'all are having a good week thus far.

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!

P.S. Thank you for the prayers for Mom and I over the weekend. Two major decisions were made after it was clear that they were the best options and we will be acting on them as soon we're able to. 

Fatherless Father's Day

Every year there are three bittersweet days for me: my father's birthday (March 22nd), the day of his death (July 11th; coincidentally also St. Benedict of Nursia's feast day, patron of the dying), and Father's Day. Sweet because I'm reminding of the father I had and bitter because he's no longer here.

I can't tell you how annoyed I get when stores begin to send me their "Get your father the best gift..." emails. I want to reply "My father died years ago; please stop reminding me." I don't but I certainly think it with every email I get. Best Buy is especially annoying when it comes to that, by the way. I think I received no less than 5 emails about it over the last week or two.

It's so easy to dwell on the pain of no longer having my father here with me. Yes, even though he's been gone for almost 7 years now (7 years in a couple of weeks), it's not easy and it never will be. Though the pain is not as raw as it was years ago, I still miss him terribly. I don't think anyone ever fully "recovers" from their parents' deaths but we can be at peace knowing they're in a better place. My faith has helped me be and stay at peace even during particularly difficult moments.

Though things are hard, I've chosen not to dwell on them. Instead, I give thanks to God for having given me a wonderful father for the first 24 years of my life. I'm thankful that my father (who was notorious for forgetting my birthday every year) returned to the Church the day before my 24th birthday (his birthday gift to me), confessing to a priest and then receiving the Eucharist after being away from the Church for over 40 years. I'm also thankful that, the day before his death (almost exactly 24 hours before), a different kind of Father (a priest) came to administer the Last Rites to my father.

I choose to be thankful for all the men in my life who have been there for me since my father's death. First of all, shout out to God who is my heavenly Father and keeps loving and guiding this imperfect daughter of His. I'm grateful for my "big brother" (an older cousin who is like a brother to me), Pedro, who stepped up and became the "man of the house" in the years following my father's death until Mom and I were able to stand on our own. Seeing him with his own kids reminds me that there are good loving fathers out there. For my friends who became "uncles" and "big brothers" to me (and who have families of their own), who checked in on me (and still do), who've help guide me and have given me guy advice over the guys, I can't thank enough. And, last but certainly not least, to the Fathers (priests) whose guidance has helped both my mother and I grow spiritually in the last couple of years.

Even though I don't have my earthly father living anymore, I'm going to keep celebrating the other men in my life -- family members, those who are like family, my friends who are raising their children up beautiful, my priest friends (and priests in general). I'm going to pray for those who are hurting (those who've lost their fathers like I have), those who never knew their fathers, those who are fathers and are loving fathers to their children, and those who are fathers but don't know how to be fathers to their children's lives for whatever reason. I'm also going to pray for my future husband, that God helps him become the kind of father our future children need.

Maybe I should rethink the title as it seems that I won't have a fatherless Father's Day after all; not with all the wonderful father figures in my life. :)

Anyway, these are my thoughts on the day. To all my readers who are fathers (either biologically or spiritually), thank you for all the hard work and sacrifices you do for your children. I hope you have a lovely Father's Day tomorrow. :D

I hope y'all (men and women) have a great weekend. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Grown Up Millennials and Their Parents

There's one topic I've seen come up a lot this week: how grown up Millennials are going to deal with their aging parents. Many of us are already in our mid-late 20s into early 30s and we're starting to either see parents in a new light or (if you have an older parent) you're starting to see them slowing down due to age. I fall into the latter category.

My parents were not "young" when I was born. I got to see my dad reach his 66th birthday before passing away after a 7 year battle with cancer. My mom is just starting to slow down. Her memory is not the best, which is why I go everywhere with her and why I've had to rearrange work and school schedule so that I'm able to drive her to work at 5 a.m. and pick her up when she gets off of work. She's very active but she's exhausted at the end of the day... and even goes to bed much earlier.

The topic of what I'll do when I get married has been brought up a couple of times lately with questions such as: will I take my mother with me? Will she be nearby so I can keep an eye on her? Why is it even my responsibility? Why doesn't someone else take care of her? While attempting to answer these questions myself (I do have an idea of what I would like to happen when the day that I get married arrives), there was an even bigger issue we all noticed: it's unfortunately becoming clear that many Millennials just don't want to "deal" with their aging parents.

Let's face it: we live in a world where our independence and our "me, me, me" mentality is the norm. Millennials have the sad stereotype of being lazy, selfish brats who rely too much on our parents... and (don't hate me for saying this), it's pretty spot on for a number of us. I include myself in this because I do still live at home (though this was decided at an earlier age because it's a cultural Hispanic normal I grew up with; unmarried women live with the parents until they marry) and, yes, I do contribute to the running of this household but it's nowhere near how much my mom does.

We (those who I've talked to about this issues and I; all Millennials between the ages of about 23 through 31) have all remarked how rare it is to see children wanting to take care of their parents. It's not really done. It's not "cool" and it's certainly not easy, so, of course, let's get rid of the problem. Sigh.

Just as it's weird for many Millennials to hear that I chose to take care of my parents (my dad while he had cancer, my mother as she's aging), it's weird for me that some just don't want to do it. My parents brought me up with old fashioned Hispanic values. I don't call elders by their first name; it's always "Mr.", "Mrs./Ms.", "Sir", or "Ma'am." I use the formal "usted" instead of "tu" when speaking Spanish because that's how we show respect. A coworker of my mom's made a joke about how he has to show me because I'm his elder (and I'm only 6 months older than he is.) It's just how we were raised. In the family, someone (son or daughter) takes the parents in as they're aging, whether they have a family of their own or not. Even if both parents are alive, they still live with someone. It's just how it's done (or was done; I'm not up-to-date with current Hispanic culture.) When my dad had cancer, I had no problem taking on that role. I had just turned 17 when my dad was first diagnosed with cancer and I was 24 when he passed away. With my mom, I still have no problem with the idea of helping take care of her as she ages. Like I said, this is not even an issue for me but it honestly bothers me that some people are willing to, basically, dump their parents because it doesn't fit in with their lifestyle.

If you think I'm being harsh with my assessment, I'd invite you to go visit a convalescent hospital to do volunteer work. I guarantee that you will meet patients whose family have abandoned them. My mom has worked at a convalescent hospital since before I was born so I've grown up around that environment. I've seen patients whose sons and daughters have left their parents at the hospitals and then do not return to see them until they get the call that their parents have passed away. I have had so many adopted "aunts," "uncles," and "grandparents" in my lifetime because of this.

While I know that not everyone has the means or time to personally take care of their parents themselves, it doesn't mean that they should be abandoned just like that. I'm honestly worried that that is what we're going to see with my generation: many people dropping their parents off at convalescent hospitals, senior living apartments, etc and basically forgetting about them. If you need (or will need) help taking care of your parents as they age, there's nothing wrong with that. Seeing that they get the best care they can get (with help from others who are trained to do it) is still noble; just don't abandon them because you think they're "just fine" with the help they get. Trust me, you still need to make sure they're getting the best care possible, even if it's at a nursing home; not all nurses or places are the best fit for the patients. From my experience, I know some nurses have no business being nurses. I still think of that awful nurse who made my father cry in the final weeks of his life, telling him he was there because he was an undocumented illegal who caused pity -- said this to my father who was a naturalized U.S. citizen.

If you still think you don't have a duty to your parents when you grow up, remember the fourth commandment: honor thy father and mother. I know this opens up a whole can of worms when brought up because I do know some who don't have a close relationship with their parents due to family friction that is irreparable. Some people have chosen to separate themselves from a parent (or both parents) because it's not a healthy relationship for them... but that doesn't mean we can't still, in a way, attempt to take care of our parents. You don't get along with your parents? You live too far away? Pray that God will put the right people in their path so that they can be taken care of. My mother, who didn't really know her birth mother, added her to the All Souls Day list. You don't have to like someone to wish the best for them. I know some parents are horrible to their children growing up but they can still try to forgive (which is not easy, I know) and pray for them. Want to work on reaching Heaven? Pray for your parents even if you aren't their biggest fans.

Anyway, these were my thoughts on the subject since it's come up a lot (like, a surprising amount of times) this and last week. Millennials, I dare you to defy the expectation that our generation (being so stereotypically selfish) won't give a hoot about what happens to our parents as they age. I dare you to pray for your parents, even if you don't get along with them. While my mom and I are pretty close, we don't always get along. I've prayed for her when I've been upset with her over typical mother-daughter breakdowns. Differing temperaments (she's very much an extroverted open book and I'm very much an introvert who is a lot more reserved) make it hard for us to communicate at times but, when it comes down to it, I'm always going to be there for her and make sure that she gets what is necessary as her needs change with age, no matter what. Just some thoughts for y'all since, let's be real, we're going to start seeing our parents aging soon.

Alright, I need to go do some beta reader email reading. ;)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D