Let's Hear it for Daily Mass, Ladies and Gentlemen!

I love LOL Saints pictures. :)

Seriously though, let's have a round of applause for having the option to attend daily Mass. *claps* I cannot begin to describe how happy I am to go on an (almost) daily basis. I don't take it for granted because I know that some people live in rural areas where Mass isn't celebrated often. Also, I know most of us have crazy hectic lives and we can't always attend daily Mass. I myself can't go on Tuesdays and Thursdays because I have classes but I try to go on all other days. Even if, for some reason, I can't receive communion, I don't feel right if I don't go.

I was reflecting on this prior to Mass yesterday. I feel almost empty and incomplete when I don't attend Mass. It's like I miss out on something amazing (which I think I do). I didn't go today because I was so physically exhausted that I simply couldn't get out of bed because I felt a bit shaky. I do vaguely remember saying (out loud) "I do love you, God, but I am not feeling that great right now" before falling back asleep this morning. And now my day feels a bit off. (side note: I also didn't go to confession today but I wasn't in need of it (thank God) so I'm okay there.) I don't know why but this desire to attend daily Mass only increases as the weeks pass. I'm very grateful for the feeling though. It's already helped me out a lot.

As I said in a previous blog post, one of the things that I've noticed about attending daily Mass is that I am more conscience of my actions. I am able to be more charitable towards people who treat me poorly for whatever reason. I am more aware of when I could potentially do something wrong and/or sinful and I realize things early enough to be able to correct my actions. After receiving the Eucharist each morning, I feel complete. I feel so much more relaxed and calm throughout the day. My anxiety and stress levels due to school related things may be up but I still somehow feel better in general.

I know my vocation is sadly not a religious one (as much as I would've loved it to be; I grew up wanting to be a Carmelite nun) so I've been contemplating potentially becoming a Tertiary (Third Order) Carmelite or Dominican. I have such an intense desire to be a part of the Church and since I am not called to be a nun then I feel like maybe this is the right step for me. Both Orders really appeal to me so I will have to pray about this and see which one I would most benefit from as well as be able to contribute to. I've considered this step for a long time but it's only intensified with my daily trips to the nearby parish. :)

Another thing that has come up with my trips to daily Mass: I am not entirely sure I want to teach after I graduate. I mean, I do want to spread the Word and teach younger generations the Truth but I am not sure I would last very long in a classroom. My heart and head are both telling me that I would be happy working with children as well as with older adults so I don't know. I know in my heart that I really want to help others and that I want to share the love I have for God with as many people as I possibly can but I'm very confused as to where I will go after graduation. I am taking a year off to work before I pursue my Master's degree but I think it would be a little less stressful if I had a game plan for the Fall. If y'all can please pray for this, I would greatly appreciate it. Right now all I can do is pray and keep myself open to whatever God has in store for me.

Anyway, I just felt like sharing these random thoughts. I have noticed that my readership in both this blog and my tweets has gone down considerably (and I am not complaining at all!) so I feel less pressured to write something amazing. Back to the "writing how I feel... even if it's incredibly sappy and emotional" plan. ;)

I have the rest of the evening and tomorrow off (I am mentally drained after reading close to 400 pages for classes this week) so I am going to enjoy it with a little movie marathon.

I hope y'all had a great week and will have a great weekend.

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Prayer Request For Friend

Just a quick prayer request for my childhood friend (and neighbor), Michelle. Early yesterday she found out she was pregnant and last night she unfortunately miscarried. She and her husband are devastated. Her husband was especially excited as he wanted a little girl. If y'all can take a couple of seconds out of your day to pray for them and the family, I'd greatly appreciate it. Thanks in advance!

Music Purging Ain't Easy

Yes, I know it's not proper grammar. And, yes, I HAVE done coursework (read 70+ pages so far today) so I am not procrastinating. This is my break from fact cramming. :)

I've been doing "music purge" on and off for the past couple of months. What exactly is the point of the purge? Well, in nutshell, I am getting rid of all the music that I would have to bring up in confession. More that later. See, I have this sort of "rule" when it comes to entertainment (movies, shows, books, and music) to help me with that... if I cannot watch, read, or listen to it with my mother next to me, I won't. In some cases, when I think mom would be okay with some things that maybe she shouldn't be (lol), I think "if (paternal) grandma, who was a devout, holy woman, was alive, would we be able to be 'entertained' by this?" If the answer is no, then... well, you get the gist.

Now before anyone gets into the "you're being too scrupulous" lecture some of you love giving me, let me explain something. I was raised in a household that did not have these things... or at least, if there were unsavory things present that I should've not known about, I never found out about them growing up. My parents tried to not curse in front of me and when they slipped, they would always apologize to me. My parents never fought in front of me. I never saw either of my parents smoke (neither did) nor drink. I was asked to look away during kissing scenes (though this mellowed as I got into my teens) and they would quickly turn the TV off or change the channel if it was going further than kissing. Some might say that I was being overprotected and sheltered but I say that my parents were trying protect my soul from those kinds of things. There is nothing wrong with it and I am very grateful to my parents for it.

My teen years into my early 20s... well, I heard, did, and saw things (both unwillingly and out of curiosity) that, when I returned to the Church, I vowed never to do again. One was swearing. I never did it much prior to my reversion but I was less cautious about what slipped out of my mouth. Two was changing the friends I had, who exposed me to conversations I would rather my future children never have or listen to at that age. Third was getting rid of things that could potentially cause me to sin... especially with my mind.

As often stated, music is one of the biggest parts of my life. The only times I've ever gone without music have been the day my father died and the day of his funeral. I arm myself with a fully charged iPod touch and music apps on my Android phone every time I step out of the house. I will also occasionally leave it on all night so that songs like Debussy's "Clair de Lune" will help me sleep. Because I have it on almost 24/7, I've made a conscious effort to be careful with what I am exposed to.

Poll time: How many of you would be comfortable listening to the follow lyrics of a song I had twice by two different artists with your grandparents?: "Birds do it, bees do it / Even educated fleas do it / Let's do it, let's fall in love / In Spain, the best upper sets do it / Lithuanians and Latts do it / Let's do it, let's fall in love / The Dutch in old Amsterdam do it / Not to mention the Fins / Folks in Siam do it - think of Siamese twins..." Yes, in the end, they are talking about falling in love and not the actual act but it's still very suggestive and I've would never listened to it in front of my grandma. I grew up listening to a lot of these jazz/swing standards but it wasn't until I (both) took my Jazz in American History course (when I was a Jazz Studies major) and until I really listened to the words that I realized what the song was really about. Needless to say, the more I try to live a holy life (key word: try), the more uncomfortable I am with these things being in my possession.

I'll be the first to admit that most of the time I don't pay attention to the lyrics. I pay attention to the melody first; the lyrics come second... and much later. I think that my mind may be too innocent at times (seriously, ask some of my friends how surprised they are that I don't "get" a third of the stuff they talk about) so my interpretation of the song lyrics is just that: innocent. I don't get some of sexual innuendos until they are pointed out to me by someone.

How does confession figure into all of this? I examine my conscience closely. Very closely. I try to avoid things that I know I will come across when I'm using the iConfess app before I go into the confessional. It will ask you to mark the "I did not avoid the occasions of impurity" and/or the "I did not seek to be chaste in my thoughts, words, actions" flags if you have done it. It will ask you to "flag" the "I told impure stories, or listened to them" option which can easily apply to music. Songs (that are not instrumental) are like little stories you listen to. Do I want to confess that I willfully listened to something that could've sparked an impure thought in my mind? No, but I would if I did because that's breaking the 6th Commandment. I will make myself accountable for my actions. So, while deleting songs and throwing away records of songs I loved before I knew what they were really about isn't easy, it's absolutely necessary for my soul. You may or may not agree with me but this is something I am personally doing for myself. :)

Current stats: I am down to 737 songs on my iTunes list (and I haven't finished going through them) and I still have my Spotify lists to go through. Oh yes; I'm serious. This self-proclaimed music nerd (who just bought Benny Goodman and George Gershwin vinyl records - on sale for a buck! - over the weekend) is being more careful and enjoying it. :)

Anyway I just wanted to share... and, okay, procrastinate a bit. lol. I have my Music paper to write (which I can do in under an hour) and then continue reading for my Harlem Renaissance course since I have a paper due for it on Thursday. :)

I hope y'all had a great weekend and start of week. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless. :D

A Day With Anxiety: St. Dymphna, Pray for Us.

I missed my Women in Music class lecture (same one with the prof who seems to have it out for me) because of anxiety (same reason I mentioned in yesterday's post) so I thought I would give y'all an insight at what it is to deal with this illness. I've written about anxiety quite a bit before, and my St. Dymphna post is still one of the top posts, but I've changed and my coping techniques have changed so I wanted to share how things are now.

The past 24 hours can be summed up as being exhausting and unpredictable. The day starts off much like my previous day ends: feeling like I can't breathe. That's one of the many symptoms associated with it. Depending on what I have to deal with during the day is how bad it is. Monday through Thursday (while I have classes), I feel like I can't breathe during most of the day. When I first experienced this it was quite scary because I thought I would stop breathing completely. I had no idea what was going on or why. The thing is that I CAN breathe, I just feel like I can't. It's almost like if you have something heavy sitting on top of your chest and you are desperate to get it off but you can't. The more you think about it, the more panic sets in and the worst the anxiety gets. Thankfully I know that it is just anxiety (and I know what is triggering it) so I won't go into full panic mode but I have in the past. It's not fun... and it gets less fun with you're left completely exhausted.

After feeling like I can't breathe, I have to distract myself. As I said, if I think about it, it's only going to get worse and I may start hyperventilating so distractions are key. If I'm at home, I try to walk or do something mindless online until I feel better. If I can get in the car and drive somewhere (btw, NEVER drive while feeling anxious), I'll do that. Most of the time I feel like I need to get away for a little bit. If I'm in class, I have a tendency to draw on the margins on my notes. It helps me both keep my mind busy so I don't think about the anxiety and it also reminds me that I should attempt to pay attention in class. I actually do pay attention and write notes as part of my distraction but when I have nothing to write, drawing helps. Only one professor has ever been really rude and nasty about this technique I have in class... and it's my music prof this semester.

This was actually what made me cry a few weeks ago -- I was trying to not hyperventilate in class and she very rudely said something along the lines of "hello, Emmy, do you want to finish working on that project you're doing or are you going to pay attention?" It doesn't sound too bad but the way she said it and the look she gave me was just horrible. I was obviously trying to catch my breathing, and I most likely looked pale as I often do when I have a panic attack, so for her to just snap at me like that (btw, this is normal for me to experience from her on an almost daily basis) made things worse. It's things like this that make me feel like there's something seriously wrong with me.

No, it is not "normal" to feel anxiety that is this heightened. It is not normal to feel like you can't breathe. I also feel very physically drained despite a good night's sleep and that's also not normal either. Fainting spells? I get those too. However, it's my normal and it has been since I was 15 years old. My anxiety is not as bad as it once was -- driving and having that independence has helped so much -- but I still have my bad days. Yesterday it was a mixed day, today is worse.

One of the big reasons why I even started this blog was because I became very aware of how many people suffer from anxiety but don't speak up about it because of the negative stereotypes. I don't want to be like that. I want to show people that it is possible to live with anxiety (and I don't take medication for it). No, we're not crazy. I have my silly moments with friends but there's nothing "seriously" wrong with us. Some of us have anxiety because thyroid levels are abnormal. Some of us (like myself) have anxiety because of traumatic experiences.

Without going into a lot of detail, I've had some pretty hard things to deal with growing up. What triggers most of my anxiety in social and school settings is feeling like I'm trapped. I had social anxiety (I couldn't be in crowds or even away from the house) when I first got sick and now it's classified as generalized anxiety and panic disorder. The reason I got anxiety was because I had a history teacher during my freshman year of high school (first and last in public HS) that loved to humiliate me in class and allowed students to attack me. That was a time when I couldn't leave the classroom without permission; I felt trapped and so every time I feel trapped or that an authority figure is unfairly picking on me, the anxiety goes crazy.

I've done Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (that's when you think about what you're going through and analyzing the situation to get a rational answer as to why you shouldn't be feeling anxious) and I've learned coping techniques but being in my Music course this semester has reminded me of being in that freshman year History class. My Music prof reminds me of that horrible History teacher -- down to the looks and mannerisms, so it's not a surprise that I've felt the way I do. I know that it's not the same but it being so close to graduation I feel like if I don't end up graduating because of grades it'll be because of her. I try to work so hard to do well in my courses and if my hard work doesn't get my that degree that I've spent years trying to finish because one professor just doesn't like me... I will be devastated. It's that uncertainty that has made me an anxious/weepy/mopey mess.

I'm going to be doing a St. Dymphna novena (since she is the patroness of those afflicted with anxiety) because it's hard. I love school. I don't like missing courses, especially because of anxiety... but the thought of going to class and having this professor just go after me is not helping. And before anyone asks, I've already let my academic adviser know what was going on (especially since I ended up missing my Thesis meeting because of all of this) and I will let others, higher up, know if it gets worse. I don't want to get her into trouble,and I hate confrontations with a passion, but I also don't think it's fair that I am treated the way that I am. I did nothing wrong so I don't get it. I will pray not only for myself but for those who have anxiety because of reasons that are much worse. There are always people who have harder lives and just because I myself am dealing with this doesn't mean that I should be selfish and not think about what they are experiencing as well. I also invite you to pray for them. I have less than 2 months of this to endure at the CINO college but they may have no end in sight for the near future. I need to constantly remind myself that this is temporary and that everything will eventually get better.

Anyway, sorry if this was kind of a downer post but I felt like sharing it. A lot of people don't know what it is to deal with anxiety, or what may trigger it, and I wanted to give y'all an insight at why I am currently experiencing anxiety. I was to dispel negative stereotypes and I hope that some of you will be a little more conscientious about not passing along those stereotypes. We're just like y'all... we just have a little extra to deal with is all. :)

I hope y'all are doing well and that your week has gone a little better than me. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless. :)

Daily Mass Addictions and School Afflictions

Hello. My name is Emmy and I am a Daily Mass addict. No, seriously. Just ask Joe who made me realize it yesterday. One day, last week, I woke up with an overwhelming urge to attend daily Mass and I've gone every day since. The only days I've missed have been days which I attend classes and am thus unable to attend Mass. (side note: my school is roughly 15 miles from where I live but we have notoriously horrible traffic -- 45 mins to 3 HOURS one way, depending on how bad it is -- so I can't get to/from Mass on time.) I don't know how/why it started but I am not complaining. It all started with a spontaneous idea to go into the chapel on campus to pray the Chaplet of the Divine Mercy before class and it's now Daily Mass followed by the Chaplet. I don't feel right not going to Mass. I've never adapted to a change in my schedule/daily routine to quickly before. Is it weird to say that I feel empty not attending Mass and receiving the Eucharist every day? I honestly can't imagine myself not attending Mass on a daily basis anymore. Everything's changed... and I love this change.

Instead of sleeping until 9-10 a.m. like I would on days I didn't have to go to campus, I get up at 7:30 (or as close to it as I can) in order to eat something light, an hour before communion, since I know I can't fast without feeling faint. I tried that (fasting) last week and I nearly fainted while praying the Rosary. (second side note: Oh yes, I have also joined a group of parishioners that pray the Rosary, novenas, and chaplets after morning Mass. :D) I don't get enough sleep anymore but I am not as tired as I thought I would be. The insomnia I experienced the last couple of week has gotten better, I'm a lot more calm (though anxiety's been worse... more on that later), the sun is brighter, etc. I'm also more aware of my actions and of thinking before speaking which helps me not be in need of confession as frequently. That is terribly important to me. Whenever I go to Mass in the morning I am reminded of two Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati quotes:

"I urge you with all the strength of my soul to approach the Eucharist Table as often as possible. Feed on this Bread of the Angels from which you will draw the strength to fight inner struggles."

AND

(in a letter to his friend, "Tonino", dated 8/13/1923): "... when one goes into the mountains one should sort out one's conscience first, because one never knows if one will return."

That last quote is on page 134 of the book Pier Giorgio Frassati: Letters to His Friends and Family. In that letter to his friend, Bl. Pier Giorgio, an avid mountain climber and sportsman, talks about the importance of going to confession after the death of a fellow mountain climber. In previous letters he also wrote about how important it was for him to receive the Eucharist before he climbed mountains. Of course, I'm not a mountain climber (I'm, at best, a lover of hikes) but I can relate to it in more ways than one. I'm always either driving or being driven. A day on which I don't drive is rare. Not only that, I attend a school which has a campus up on a mountain. The view is spectacular when you're outside but as soon as I go inside, it's a fight against the liberal, dare I say heretical, teachings I encounter inside. Just like Bl. Pier Giorgio, I think I need to receive the Eucharist daily to remind me of who I am, who am I not nor will I be in order to fit in, and that I have my Heavenly Father looking out for me. I am not in physical danger (at least not like Bl. Pier Giorgio was when he climbed) but I do feel my soul is in danger (though one I am aware of as to not fall) each time I step foot on that campus.

And that leads me to the reason why I think my anxiety's been worse lately. Well, partly. I've noticed that my anxiety gets worse on the days before I have to go class as well as the first part of the day. And it goes back to one thing... or, I should say, one person: my music professor. As I've mentioned before, she does not like me... or so it seems. I thought we'd had a breakthrough last week when she tried to understand what it's like to be a student with anxiety but this week it's gone sour again. I haven't felt so personally attacked by a professor in quite a while. She skips over me when my hand is raised for a question, she tells me to be quiet when I volunteer to answer (when no one else wants to), she finds the littlest things to reprimand me on even though I am not doing anything bad, and I am never write. Saint and religion question: I am NEVER right. Of course, I get online after class (I don't do it during out of respect for my professors) and I check to see if I was right... and I am. Yesterday I had my hand raised for the longest time and a classmate even motioned to her that I had the answer but she skipped me. She didn't come back to me until several minutes after I put down my hand and then my answer was "wrong." I don't talk back to her or anything, mostly because my parents taught me to respect my elders and partly because I'm too busy trying to catch my breathing in her class (trying not to hyperventilate due to anxiety).

I will also admit that all of this has gotten me down the past couple of weeks... but it's been most obvious the last week. Yesterday I was one big weepy/mopey mess. She really made me feel like I was a speck of dirt that was bothering her and it really messed up my day. Though I can normally just forget about people not liking me, the fact that she's been this way since day one (yes, since the first day of classes) and that she finds new ways of making me feel like crumbs has gotten to me. She's going to cancel classes a couple of times next month and in April and I am sorry to say that I very much look forward to those days. I offer up every little thing she says to make me feel horrible and keep track of it on my St. Therese Sacrifice Beads. If you guys can please say a pray that I can make it through the next 2 months and 4 weeks (the countdown is on your left hand side) and that I actually pass my classes so that I can graduate, I would be so grateful.

Okay, I think I've unintentionally procrastinated longer than I anticipated. lol. I have to do coursework for a presentation tomorrow as well as a fellow up meeting with my Thesis adviser so I really need to get to work.

I hope y'all are having a great week thus far and if any of you need me to offer up one of my bad days for a special intention you may have, let me know. I'd gladly do it. :)

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless. :D