Feeling Unworthy and His Divine Mercy

A couple of days ago, I was going through what I think might've been a spiritual attack. I was trying to pray the Rosary when I was bombarded with thoughts that I was a pathetic excuse for a Catholic.

"Maybe Fr. G was right; maybe I should quit being Catholic. I'm terrible at it. I can't do anything right."

I clutched the beads and started crying, shaking my head as if I could shake those thoughts out of my mind.

"Maybe I should stop praying the Rosary. If I suck at being Catholic, why continue praying? Why not give up?"

I almost stopped but I shook my head. "No," I said to myself. "This is possibly an attack. Okay, I might be a horrible Catholic but maybe there's hope for me?"

"No. You can't get your act together," the thoughts persisted. "Just stop. Quit. What's the point?"

The inner struggle then became physical. I felt like I couldn't breathe; like something was tightening together in my chest. I let go of the beads, temporarily losing my place in the Rosary. I immediately returned to my place. My hand wanted to let go and give up... but I didn't want to. It was a fight (mostly internally) until I finished praying the Rosary.

I was a sobbing mess when I finished. I felt awful. I felt like I had been kicked down and was incredibly unworthy to ask Our Blessed Mother to be with me when I fail spectacularly. I knew I still had to pray the Chaplet of Divine Mercy since it's one of the devotions I must pray daily (it's a desire to pray it).

I started praying the Chaplet... and it literally felt like whatever was plaguing me had become undone and that it was falling to my sides. You know when you have something heavy on (like a backpack or a heavy coat) and you get home and you slide it off, making you feel lighter than you had moments before? It felt exactly like that. Not only did I feel a calming peace, I also felt like that moment was a gift.

I finished the Chaplet and then decided to read the Blessed is She devotional for the day. One part (which that day's writer chose to share) immediately stuck out at me:

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." (2 Cor 12:9)

Hello, new wave of tears and gratitude. You know how I said that the moment felt like a gift? When I read that verse, it all made sense to me. Through my moment of weakness -- in which my thoughts were negative and I felt like I kept getting kicked while I was already down -- I came to remember how much I love God and being a Catholic. During that moment of divine mercy (see what I did there?) -- while praying the chaplet -- I was reminded that no matter how badly I mess up, God still loves me and that there's still hope. I also thanked God for the gift of tears because (as I said) it felt like a gift at the end.

Have you ever felt that you were unworthy to be called a child of God? Someone unworthy to have a relationship with Him and Mama Mary? You're not. I'm not. Sometimes it's hard to see or feel that -- especially when you're in the middle of a spiritual dry spell or an attack -- but you are. We all are. No matter how often we fail (or how big our failures may be), we can always come home. We can always repent. That's what the Sacrament of Reconciliation is for. We're not perfect and we're not expected to be perfect. Also, we can't egotistically believe that our sins are bigger than God's mercy and grace. Those are all lies that pop into our heads.

Tomorrow is Feast of the Purification (Candlemas) when we say goodbye to Christmastide. If your parish (or a local parish; takes only minutes to inquire) will bless candles for the day, I highly recommend it. The candles must be 51% (or greater) beeswax but those are easy to find, especially if your parish sells them. Whole Foods and other stores have 100% beeswax candles, too. Get a candle (or two) blessed and light them up during times of darkness. If you don't know much about the practice, I recommend checking it out here.

Anyway, I just wanted to share this. I'm currently taking a break from finishing my lecture videos because I have mental fog that makes concentrating on the detailed notes hard to do. I'll get back to it when it clears up a bit. :)

I hope y'all are having a good week thus far. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Futbol, Parrot Pranks Nuns, Saint Dream, and Vocation.

Yesterday I watched two futbol (football/soccer) games -- Celtic v. Barcelona in a Champions League match during the morning; L.A. Galaxy vs. Gamba Osaka (from Japan) at night. Both teams I was rooting for (Celtic and Galaxy) didn't win by ONE goal. Ugh. Bummer. Celtic still have a chance to go further in the CL but Galaxy was in a semi-final so they're now going to play for 3rd place, again Australia's Sydney FC, in the Pan Pacific games. That's going to air half past midnight (Pacific Standard Time) so I'll be up late at night watching the game. Hopefully they don't lose that game because it'll be a crummy way to start the season. (MLS season starts at the end of next month).

Ooh... before I forget... my mom told my dad and I the story about how when she was younger and visiting her uncle, his pet parrot pranked some nuns. Seriously. Her (my mom's) uncle had this parrot that was apparently quite the talker -- and not in the nicest way. One day, a group of nuns were walking near his house and all of a sudden the parrot yells "Go on, donkeys" (I'm paraphrasing it... and it sounds funnier in Spanish, I swear). So the nuns looks around, completely perplexed as to who would be saying that to them. So they continue on their way and the parrot, seeing them walk away, yells out the same thing again. The nuns couldn't see anything until the parrot starts cackling and they it laughing. What do the nuns do? They start cracking up that an animal would be doing such a thing. Only an animal would get away with such a thing. It's a good thing those nuns had a sense of humor too. Mom, who went to a Catholic boarding school growing up, didn't have the best experiences with nuns so it's good to hear of some that were awesome enough to laugh over a parrot's prank.

You know what else is awesome, yet kinda weird? Having a dream where two saints are fighting over you. Oh yeah! Last night I had a dream that I was looking for a necklace made out of jade (the gemstone). So, I found one that had jade beads mixed with some clear white ones. When the sales lady asked me what the necklace was for, I mentioned it was because I was starting my career. Then I saw a white candle being lit for me, and water surrounding it, and a statue of St. Barbara in front of it... but it was supposed to be a statute St. Lucy. That was odd. So then I heard a voice say "I'm her new patron" and I found out it was St. Monica sort of calling dibs on me. Then I heard another voice say "She belongs to me" and saw it was St. Lucy. That led to St. Monica saying that she was the patron of the vocation I was meant for and I basically woke up in the middle of them sort of wanting to claim me as their devotee. I believe it was a draw/tie. That was a bit odd, in a good way. When I woke up, I looked up what they are patron saints of. I knew of St. Lucy but wasn't too sure with St. Monica. St. Lucy is the patron saint of eye problems and (whoo!) authors/writers. St. Monica is the patron saint of homemakers, married women and mothers, amongst other things. So, that got me thinking... what IS my vocation?

It's kinda funny... last night, before I fell asleep, I was thinking about how I wanted to go have a chat with the young Polish priest (who is, I think, the most popular priest at my parish) about some things, including about possible vocations. I've been thinking about it because, though I love writing, I am not entirely sure I can make a lasting career out of it. I even thought that maybe I was supposed to become a nun, especially with the horrible luck I've had with ex-boyfriends. This past Sunday, while I was in Mass, I even thought to myself "What is my vocation supposed to be?" and I heard the word "Mother" in my head. The word literally popped up into my mind. So, the dream I had last night it sort of making me think about all of this. Maybe that is my answer. Maybe, through my dream and the thing during Mass, I got my answer that maybe becoming a nun isn't what I should do and that becoming a mother in the future is the best path for me. I don't know. They say we shouldn't read too much into our dreams so I'm trying not to. We'll just leave it at... I don't know but I do feel myself being drawn more to the wife/mother/writer side than the religious life/nun life. Only time will tell.

Alright, well... it's getting late, I'm exhausted for no reason (as usual) and a bit hungry so I am going to get some food in my stomach before I call it a day. Thanks for reading and God Bless. :D