My Gift to Baby Jesus: My Heart and Vocation Discernment

"This is my Chrismas/birthday gift to you, baby Jesus. I'm letting go, once and for all."

With those uttered words, I took a deep breath and I finally let go of something I had reluctantly been holding onto for so long. I was going to wait until Christmas to "pull the trigger" but it became abundantly clear that I couldn't keep putting it off any longer. There were too many "signs" and circumstances that I couldn't ignore. The fact that it all happened on the last day of the 54-day Rosary novena was no coincidence either. Of that, I am sure. So, I let go. And, please, no one start singing that Frozen song. lol.

This is the first time I "give" a gift to the child Jesus but it was something that has been slowly growing in my heart in recent weeks. What it is that I let go, I can't publicly state out of respect for those involved but it was something that needed to be done in order to go forward with my discernment to consecrated virginity. Surprise! Or not. lol. I know those following me on Twitter and Instagram won't be surprised as I've mentioned it enough over the last couple of weeks but it will be for those not following me on those platforms who do read this blog.

Yes, you read that right: I am beginning my discernment to consecrated virginity. It has not been an easy road. The idea has come up more than once over the years but I've always stubbornly fought it because I was sure I was called to marriage and family. Then I discerned that and, well, there was something still missing. Don't get me wrong. I felt happy... but there was a God-shaped hole I just couldn't ignore.

To be honest, I hated not belonging fully to God; to feel like my heart was divided in two and that He wasn't getting more of me than He was getting. It didn't feel right to me. Of course, there's more to the story but it came down to my feeling pulled away from God and being miserable about it. Slowly, things began unraveling and the discernment to the vocation of consecrated virginity became more and more clear. Once St. Agatha came up as my patroness for the year 2020 in the Saint's Name Generator (and then St. Philomena decided to officially join the party as my co-patroness; I'll write more about her soon), I knew I could no longer ignore the call.

As hard as letting go might've been (and it was!), I felt a tremendous peace doing it because I knew that it was what God was calling me to do. As a wise friend reminded me earlier this week, sometimes God calls us to sacrifice something for Him; to show Him that we're willing to follow Him instead of our own selfishness inclinations. Of course, I will continue to pray for those involved. I wish them peace and happiness. I also hope they understand that I couldn't, in good conscience, ignore God's call.

I am incredibly blessed to have the support of so many people -- friends and online acquaintances alike -- at the start of this journey. I don't have the full support of the most important person in my life, but I knew that going forward. God warned us that we would meet opposition when we gave everything up to follow Him, but it's something I'm willing to do. I know God, through the intercessions of Our Lady, St. Agatha, and St. Philomena, will grant me the fortitude necessary.

I don't know if this will ultimately be my vocation. I actually won't get to decide that either -- it'll be Archbishop Gomez! Yes, you read that correctly. I may discern all I want with my spiritual director but if Archbishop Gomez -- after hearing why I discerned this vocation and how I arrived to my conclusion that God may be calling me to this -- doesn't think it's truly what God is calling me to do, that will be the end of that. In obedience (as both a Benedictine Oblate and someone trying to properly discern this vocation), I will have to accept whatever decision he makes. Of course, I will pray that the Holy Spirit helps him arrive at the "final verdict" that is in accordance with God's will for my life. Still, it may end up being a long, hard discernment road that may end up with me back where I started.

The unknown can be anxiety-inducing, especially to someone who likes to make plans, but this is where I need to put my money where my mouth is. Do I truly trust God with childlike faith? I better do so because there is so much uncertainty right now. All I know is that God has cleared the path for me to move forward with my discernment and that is what I'm going to do. If anything, I will come out of this having discerned all the vocations and I will have no doubt as to what God is calling me to do.

Anyway, I just wanted to share these thoughts with you on this beautiful Christmas Day.

Happy birthday, baby Jesus! I love You so much that I give You my whole heart and my entire vocation discernment. May God's will be done, not mine.

Merry Christmas, everyone! I hope you're all enjoying this beautiful day with your loved ones.

Oh, and happy anniversary to me! Today marks 12 years (whooooa!) since I started this blog. We're still just at the beginning of this adventure, y'all! Thank you so much for continuing to follow, support, and encourage me along the way. I pray for you all every time I do my nighttime prayers. :)

God bless you all!

Good News: a Possible Breakthrough in my Health Issues

((Before I begin, let me just wish you all a happy feast of Our Lady of Guadalupe! I wrote a bit about the same picture that's hung on my bedroom wall for the past (almost) 30 years on Instagram in case you want to read it.))

I thought I was ready for my hematology appointment yesterday morning. I was cool, calm, and collected. Or, so I thought until I woke up sweating cold that morning. That cold sweat didn't stop until after I saw the hematologist... an hour after my appointment was scheduled.

I kept repeating, "Jesus, I trust in You" from the moment I woke up... 2 hours early. I tried to go through my routine -- breakfast, prayer, and getting ready to go out -- at a slow pace. I had intentionally done it to keep my anxiety levels down. Whenever I felt them go up a bit, I would stop and repeat, "Jesus, I trust in You" three times before I would resume the routine.

Before I left, I stopped and had a conversation with God. Since I was home alone, I said the words aloud. I don't remember the exact words but they were along the lines of "Whatever happens, I accept. If it's Your will, it will be done. If it's good news, I will rejoice and praise you. If it's not good news, I know you will give me the fortitude to endure it. Whatever it is, I will sacrifice sleep and go give thanks at tomorrow's daily Mass."

I drove to my appointment with unusually clear eyesight (I've been having eye problems for months, remember?). I decided to listen to "The Benedict Option" audiobook as a distraction. I took a longer but clearer (read: less traffic) route to my hematologist's office. "If I get there late, I get there late. But I'd rather go calmly than stress myself out," I told myself as I drove to the office.

I got there on time... but I ended up waiting an hour before I was seen. See, the hematologist I've seen for the past two years is out of the country. While it wasn't confirmed, we think it has something to do with his work visa since he's a foreign-born doctor. He had a delay returning the last time his permit expired, too. Anyway, because of this (and the office being unsure of when he will return), they gave me a new hematologist. I was warned beforehand about this; there were rescheduled appointments and blood draws for it for weeks leading up to the day. I just didn't know the actual appointment would have a wait time of over an hour.

As you can imagine, I sat there sweating cold out of nerves. I didn't know if my pancytopenia (the medical term for low red and white blood count and low platelets) was still around; if I was healthier than I was since my last blood draw at the last ER visit I'd had, two months earlier. "Jesus, I trust in You" I said before I prayed the St. Patrick breastplate prayer and texted a good friend to help pass the time.

I was whisked inside and I waited for the doctor once again, this time in the exam room. My noontime alarm went off signaling the time to pray The Angelus and Sext. I had taken my copy of The Little Office of the Blessed Virgin Mary in case I needed it. I took out my Rosary beads from my pocket and began praying the Angelus. I had just finished praying, "And the Word was made Flesh.. *genuflects* and dwelth among us..." and was standing up when the new hematologist came in. "This is it. Jesus, I trust in You," I said internally.

I was ready for whatever God in store for me... or, again, so I thought. I won't keep dragging the story for y'all so I'll tell you exactly what he said.

After introducing himself he said he'd gone over my charts and history along with my latest blood work. The good news was that my numbers had gone up. My white blood count had miraculously jumped up to normal in record time, from 3.6 to 4.6. My platelets went up 33k (from 102k to 135k) and I’m now currently only 5k under normal range. My red blood count and hemoglobin are still a little low but are now closer to normal range. He said that, given my history and my steady (for the most part) numbers, he thought it all pointed to an early rheumatology/autoimmune issue. When I explained that the ophthalmologist had ordered blood work because he also thought I had an autoimmune issue that was causing my eyesight problems (my bilateral optic nerve edemas), he said that it just further confirmed his suspicions. He said that it looked like it was all early stages of whatever was about to unfold and that no treatment would be necessary at the moment; we'll just keep an eye on things.

This is the first time I've come close to getting a diagnosis on anything! I was surprised and relieved. After so many years of dealing with low platelets and the anemia coming and going, here we had a sort-of breakthrough! I immediately thought about how the words "leaky gut" and the theory many people have made that perhaps that's what's wrong with me have popped up in recent weeks. A parishioner friend of mine even lent me a book on healing the leaky gut when I went to Mass last Friday (the beautiful First Friday I wrote about here). That's not even counting the dream I had nearly two years ago in which I dreamt that St. Giuseppe Moscati had examined me and told me to do a bone broth diet to heal my gut; a dream that also featured St. John Bosco. I even screen captured the tweet for future reference.

Y'all know this tweet is old because I haven't used that profile picture in years. Also, my apologies to St. Giuseppe for butchering his first name. It was during the time when I was still learning about him.

Perhaps this is all part of my 54-day Rosary novena intention; I've been praying for better health and the ability to expand my restricted diet. A leaky gut will make it seem like you have allergic reactions to many things -- especially foods -- so this could be the breakthrough I've been praying for! I am definitely going to try healing my gut just in case this has been the issue all along.

Before I end this post, I also wanted to share one more thing the good hematologist said to me. As he was leaving, hand on the door, he stopped and looked back at me and said, "Are you married, planning on getting married, or in a relationship?" I confirmed that I did want to get married one day, but I didn't know when that would happen. He then said what I was not expecting, "With your history and numbers, you can get pregnant. You can have children as soon as you'd like. Usually, there are worries about platelets dipping for people who have ITP or other blood disorders, but it shouldn't be a problem for you." I was completely dumbfounded. The thought hadn't even crossed my mind (for obvious reasons) yet I felt an enormous wave of relief. God willing, I can have babies and not worry about it affecting my health (at least, not my platelets) because it looks like it may all be an autoimmune issue rather than a blood disorder.

I left the office feeling lighter, a lot more hopeful, and intensely grateful to Our Lady for her intercession and to God for everything.

I knew there was a reason why my appointments kept getting pushed back; why I had to keep rescheduling blood draws and appointments. Not just for the hematologist but all of them. I didn't know what it was but perhaps it all needed to happen so that a  new doctor could look at my case and apply their knowledge to my “medical mystery” that’s been baffling doctors for years. (side note: the hematologist is an older gentleman so he has more experience than my [close to my age] regular hematologist.)

So, that's my news. On day 41 of the 54-day Rosary novena, I received that wonderful news. I have another blood draw tomorrow to check for autoimmune things and inflammation markers prior to my ophthalmologist appointment on Monday morning. I hope that we get a little closer to the root cause of all my problems with it as well. Fingers crossed.

Anyway, I just wanted to share the news with y'all. I received a letter from my Oblate master while trying to finish up this so I'm going to go read that right now. And, yes, I just teared up because of the timing.  What are the odds that I would receive a letter from my Oblate master (who, along with the other monks, has been praying for my health) with words of encouragement regarding my health while writing this post with an update on my health? God, Your timing is impeccable!

I hope y'all have a lovely rest of the week!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :)

Last Week, I Kissed the True Cross. Really!

"I brought this relic of the True Cross..." he explained to me as he took out the relic from a red pouch and showed it to me. It was encased like most of the other relics I'd seen -- besides St. John Vianney's incorruptible heart. Still, the significance of the relic hit me like a ton of bricks.

I began tearing up as I thought about what was being held in front of me. This was an actual piece of the True Cross; where the Son of God sacrificed His life for the salvation of mankind. It was where He suffered indescribable agony for the sins for man; for the many sins I myself have committed. The weight of it all overwhelmed me, in a good way. It's the greatest love story ever told. My love for Him grew exponentially at that moment. My desire to praise Him in Heaven for all eternity -- to do everything I could to keep myself from jeopardizing my chances of getting there -- grew.

"I love you, Lord," I said internally as the tears flowed down my cheeks.

"Would you like to kiss it?" he asked me. I only had a split second to answer. I timidly said "Yes." On my knees, I leaned in and kissed the relic that he held out for me. "I love you, Lord."

It's only been a couple of days since it happened but I still can't believe that I kissed the True Cross. The memory of it will forever be embedded in my mind and in my heart.

In recent weeks (and months), I've often pictured myself at the foot of the Cross. This is especially vivid in my mind while praying the Rosary. I picture myself either standing or kneeling at the foot of the Cross, asking for His forgiveness and mercy. Most of the time, it's when I'm feeling overwhelmed. I can see myself clinging to the Cross, looking up at Him with tears in my eyes, asking Him for help. Sometimes I ask Him for clarity. Other times I simply put myself in that moment -- the fifth Sorrowful mystery -- and lose myself in it. Never in my wildest dreams (or imagination), did I ever think I would be blessed enough to actually get the chance to kiss a relic of it.

After it was all said and done, I was in awe... and felt humbled. Was I truly worthy of having that amazing moment? I don't know but I am grateful that I did. I texted only three people after it happened -- my three closest friends. (Quick side note: the significance of the number 3 didn't even dawn on me until this moment, as I'm typing it out; the significance of who I chose to share the details of that moment with are always very telling.) One of them replied, "What a grace. Especially with the kind of cross you carry, that is such a grace!" That stopped me in my tracks.

The cross I carry? Oh yes, the health cross. The same cross that has been a part of my life for so long that I don't even think about it anymore. The cross that has kept me from living the life I had always envisioned for myself. The cross that has scared away potential suitors because it's a difficult one to carry. That cross.

It's the same cross that has brought me closer to God. The cross that has turned this vain and selfish young woman who thought more about what other people thought of her and the material world into one who now desires to detach herself completely from worldly things; who would rather be ridiculed for what she believes is right and the Truth.

Being sick and having to alter my life plans is humbling. It requires the person suffering to swallow their pride and ask for help when it's needed. I went from having a world of endless possibilities from which I could choose to living life one day at a time. I went from having whatever career I wanted -- or, really, choosing to work in a field I didn't particularly feel called to in order to earn more money -- to only being able to do what I do feel called to do, even if it doesn't even help make ends meet.

That's nothing compared to the humiliation that comes with the multiple rejections from fellas who just don't want to deal with your crosses. Trust me, there's been too many to count over the years. Luckily, it's all been a great blow to my ego and it has kept reminding me that no man will ever fill that God-shaped hole in my heart. That I must fully belong to Him and trust in Him. If He wants me to marry, it will happen. If He doesn't, I know He will give me the courage and emotional strength to soldier on.

As I said in my Twitter and Instagram posts last week and earlier today, God has been working in my heart lately. I can see Him waiting for me to be vulnerable and open up my heart completely to Him. I know He wants me to go to Him and tell Him exactly what I think, how I feel, what my fears are, and what my desires are. Can you guess when all of this started; when I decided to embark on this journey with Him? The minute I kissed the True Cross.

For the record, who "he" is and why he did it will remain something between those of us in the know. The point is that God blessed me with that amazing moment that has forever changed my attitude and outlook on life; that has defined this Advent season for me. I cannot think about it without tearing up. Thank you, Lord, for allowing this sinful gal to feel the weight of Your love and mercy. I will continue to strive to be worthy of moments like it, even if I never get another one like it again.

Anyway, I felt prompted to share this with y'all. It may not have details of who, what, where, when, or why, but it does contain the most important parts.

That's it from me for now. There's a couple of things I need and have to do; more work in preparing my heart for Him... and other boring adult responsibilities (read: pay bills). ;)

I hope y'all are having a lovely week so far.

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :)