One of the things I have been struggling with (besides pesky temptations and the never ending homework) is apathy. It may just be the depression talking, but I am just not in the mood to do and/or deal with everything. All I want to do is sleep and do the minimum to get by. Though I have not given up on my faith (that's not gonna happen), I haven't been praying as much as I used to. When I do, I can't concentrate as well as I used to. Things just don't seem to be going well for me anymore. I still have hope (even if it's just a little sliver of it) and optimism that everything will eventually get better. It's just the "eventually" part, the not knowing when or how, that can be a bit of a downer. Needless to say, my self-esteem has been going "down the hole" as Baby Plucky would say.
I went to morning Mass this morning (first time in months) and for the first time, I felt like I had before this sombre mood took a hold of me. Since I had gotten there nearly an hour before the Mass started (I purposely planned it that way), I sat down and I started to read a book on mediations by a Daughter of St. Paul that I bought the day I went to Pauline Books and Media. Twenty pages into it (and half an hour of really reflecting on myself and my relationship with God in the few months) my perspective shifted to the way it was two years ago, prior to my dad's third battle with cancer, his death, and the aftermath it. I found myself questioning my thoughts and actions. I began to think of ways I could change my attitude, and try to restore it to how it was... well, with a few improvements. I came home feeling better than I'd felt in weeks.
It wasn't until I was home that I realized something -- I'd asked that a Mass intention be said in Mass on the 8 month anniversary of my father's death (today, the 11th). I did that completely unintentionally. Not only that, today would've been the birthday of my former spiritual adviser, Fr. Leo Leblanc O.M.I., who also passed away nearly 4 months ago. To have such insight on a day that involved the two men that had had much influence of me and having that insight in one of my favorite places in this world just seemed like it was meant to be.
So I can out of Mass with a new game plan, and a great want to get rid of my apathy. May God grant me my wish to get as close to Him as I once was... and hopefully without illness to get there again (like last time.)
Alright, that's all I can write for now. It's late and I still have to study for a paper that's due, as well as a quiz for another course.
Until next time, thanks for reading and God Bless! :D