Apathy and Insight in Mass

One of the things I have been struggling with (besides pesky temptations and the never ending homework) is apathy. It may just be the depression talking, but I am just not in the mood to do and/or deal with everything. All I want to do is sleep and do the minimum to get by. Though I have not given up on my faith (that's not gonna happen), I haven't been praying as much as I used to. When I do, I can't concentrate as well as I used to. Things just don't seem to be going well for me anymore. I still have hope (even if it's just a little sliver of it) and optimism that everything will eventually get better. It's just the "eventually" part, the not knowing when or how, that can be a bit of a downer. Needless to say, my self-esteem has been going "down the hole" as Baby Plucky would say.

I went to morning Mass this morning (first time in months) and for the first time, I felt like I had before this sombre mood took a hold of me. Since I had gotten there nearly an hour before the Mass started (I purposely planned it that way), I sat down and I started to read a book on mediations by a Daughter of St. Paul that I bought the day I went to Pauline Books and Media. Twenty pages into it (and half an hour of really reflecting on myself and my relationship with God in the few months) my perspective shifted to the way it was two years ago, prior to my dad's third battle with cancer, his death, and the aftermath it. I found myself questioning my thoughts and actions. I began to think of ways I could change my attitude, and try to restore it to how it was... well, with a few improvements. I came home feeling better than I'd felt in weeks.

It wasn't until I was home that I realized something -- I'd asked that a Mass intention be said in Mass on the 8 month anniversary of my father's death (today, the 11th). I did that completely unintentionally. Not only that, today would've been the birthday of my former spiritual adviser, Fr. Leo Leblanc O.M.I., who also passed away nearly 4 months ago. To have such insight on a day that involved the two men that had had much influence of me and having that insight in one of my favorite places in this world just seemed like it was meant to be.

So I can out of Mass with a new game plan, and a great want to get rid of my apathy. May God grant me my wish to get as close to Him as I once was... and hopefully without illness to get there again (like last time.)

Alright, that's all I can write for now. It's late and I still have to study for a paper that's due, as well as a quiz for another course.

Until next time, thanks for reading and God Bless! :D

Catholic Bookstores

As a literature nerd, I can spend hours in a Borders without getting bored. Just ask my little adopted sister Delaney, I completely geek out at a bookstore. I also get a bit mischievous and I hide anti-Catholicism books in back of Catholics ones. I'll also put good saint or G.K. Chesterton books in plain view. Again, just ask Delaney as she was an accomplice last time I did that at a Borders bookstore. lol. Anyway, while I do spend a good amount of time in secular bookstores, I've made a conscience effort to go to more Catholic bookstores.

Just today I went to Pauline Books and Media in Culver City (which is only a hop, skip and jump away from my school). Can someone fall in love with a bookstore? If not, I might be the first one. I was like a kid in a candy store. I wasn't the only one either; my mother was in literary heaven. She usually has a hard time finding books since she sticks to Spanish language books and the pickings are usually slim. Not at Pauline though. We both spent a good hour or so just browsing. I found a lot of books I'd been looking for (but hadn't found), including the last copy they had of Christian Courtship in an Oversexed World: a Guide for Catholics by T.G. Morrow which I'd been looking for for months. Sadly, I did not find anything on St. Gemma Galgani. The only thing they had was a holy/prayer card, which I ended up getting. Apparently, it's really hard to get any sort of biography of her here in the U.S. so I will wait until I go to Italy to try to find a copy.

I can't rave enough about this bookstore. I loved both the Daughters of St. Paul and the lay women that worked there. All were very sweet. One of them in particular helped my mom out with books in Spanish which I hadn't even heard of. There is a small chapel inside the bookstore where you can go for the Eucharistic Adoration they have at 2 p.m. (which we stayed for). We left on a first name basis with the lady that helped my mother, but not before we got hugs and smiles to last us until the next time we go... which will most likely be very soon.

I'd never come out of a bookstore feeling as elated and at peace as I did out of Pauline Books. I mean, I'd gone to one other Catholic bookstore before (St. Peter's Pier in Canoga Park; one block west of Pierce College) but it was tiny compared to Pauline Books. I think that it helped that I had been doing research on the Daughters of St. Paul before I went -- not for my vocation as I know I am not called to be a religious sister. (btw, if I were called to be a religious sister, I would've loved to have been a Daughter of St. Paul. They do exactly what I want to do.) Anyway, I was so glad I went and that I was able to find a couple of books to help me through this Lenten season. I made quite a dent in one of them already so look for a book review on it very soon (as soon as I can catch up on my homework and whatnot).

Now, I have a question for you Catholics... do you tend to buy your books from a secular bookstore or do you try to get them at Catholic bookstores? I've often gotten some of mine via Aquinas and More but I've gotten others through either Amazon or Borders. After really thinking about it, I've made it a goal to get my books at Pauline or Aquinas and More. I would feel better knowing that my money is going to a bookstore that won't stock up on books about things that are against Catholic beliefs that are morally wrong (i.e. books on abortion.) (P.S. You fellow Jane Austen fanatics, I saw both books AND DVDs of Jane Austen novels in Pauline Books. I had to keep myself from buying the 1995 BBC version of Pride and Prejudice. lol)

Alright, I actually have to go because it's really late and I need to catch up on homework. Procrastination is my constant companion this semester and I'm trying to change that. :)

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless. :D