Feverish Update

I'm currently sitting on my bed, trying to bring down my fever with cold, damp washcloths and cold tea. Cold tea isn't my favorite but I don't think my body would like hot liquids when I'm already warm. Since my stomach is sensitive and I can't take just any ol' fever reducer because some lower platelets, gotta exhaust the natural stuff first. Also, no doctor's appointments with my doctor until after August 30th. Seriously. I just called a few minutes ago. This is the second fever since Friday's fever but it's the first that's lasted more than 12 hours. Apparently there's a virus going around so I'm not too worried about it -- just gotta stay hydrated and rest as much as I can.

I know some of you are wondering about what's happened since my last blog post. Since then, I've sought the advice of friends who know me well and one theme kept coming back: go down the SLP route. It wasn't until a good friend pointed out something to me that made me decide to return to this path. "Wait, didn't you discard those options before?" I had... again, until I realized one big major thing: I wasn't factoring in how it would affect my mom.

Mom has been super supportive of whatever I want to do. I think she might feel like I've sacrificed too much to help her and Dad (when he was still alive) which is why she's supported my Theology degree path. Yes, even though I've been warned about how little money there is in the field, she's been onboard. I just always figured God would help provide along the way. However, it became increasingly obvious over the weekend that mom isn't going to make it to 65, the retirement age she prefers. She's only about 3 years away from that but I don't see her lasting more than another year or two. After 40+ years of all the manual labor, her body just can't keep going. When she told me that she wanted to get another vacation break (after just having one earlier this month) in September and this time she wanted it to be 2 weeks instead of one because her body was exhausted, I knew I had only one choice: to take a little detour from Theology so that my mom can retire sooner than I can take care of this household with my own paycheck.

I'll admit, I was both disappointed and nervous about returning to the SLP field. Disappointed because I can see that my passion lies in Theology and it just felt like I was supposed to be on that path. Nervous because my anemia popped up during my first stint at Utah State. I lost all that weight and my cell lines were affected. That fear that the same would happen entered my mind and it wouldn't go. Then two things happened: St. Therese taught me a lesson AND a mistaken grade gave me a bit of confidence.

I remembered that St. Therese had to wait a couple of years to enter the Carmelites and how bitterly disappointed she was to have to wait. I'm not saying that her entering the Carmelites and my waiting to continue my Theology degree are comparable but it was a lovely reminder that sometimes we have to wait to do what we feel is God's will for us. She did eventually enter, just like I will (God willing) eventually return to finish the degree. I can offer up the disappointment in the meantime.

Also, it turns out my final grade for my final course at JP Catholic was slightly higher than I had anticipated. Still not high enough to keep my financial aid available (I ended up with 2.97 GPA) but It was completely unexpected but very timely. I actually managed to pull off a decent grade with the anemia that returned during the quarter as well as the lack of study time because the maintenance workers were in and out of the apartment, working on fixing the bathroom. (side note: nope, it's still not done, 8 months after they gutted it). I worked hard and I did it. Maybe I can do the same this second time around. I've finally found a study schedule that works for me and my doctor ordered some folic acid, iron, and vitamin C tablets to help with the anemia. (Thanks to all the blood work she had them do, she saw that my folate level is half of what it should be which is why I can't kick the anemia for long periods of time.)

I applied as a returning student to Utah State yesterday. I left in good standing from both that school and JP Catholic so nothing was going to keep me from having a clean record. I've also had my transcripts sent to Utah State from JP Catholic (even though it was a different subject and degree). Now all I have to do is wait... and pray.

I hope I'm doing the right thing. If it's God's will that I do Theology, I hope He doesn't mind the detour for a year or so to take care of financial matters for Mom and I. If I do get accepted to return, I'm only 8 courses short of my second Bachelor's degree and should be able to graduate early next May. After receiving my degree, I'll do 100 supervised hours at a local university (two courses which will be paid out of pocket... ouch) for 8-10 weeks and then I will be officially licensed to work as an SLPA in the state of CA.

Anyway, that's where I am right now. No longer aimless but just disappointed that I couldn't do my Theology degree first. As I said, not enough experience and/or requirements to work in the archdiocese just yet. :( I simply need to remind myself that this is a sacrifice I need to make for the good of this household... one that I hope to do with joy. I can't be selfish even though I sometimes wish I could be. I am human, after all.

Alright, I'm going to go try to rest. I'm not used to not doing anything so this is going to be harder than it sounds. Seriously, binge watching feels unnatural to me but it may be the only thing that will keep me from moving around and being active when I should be resting and letting my body try to fight off whatever is causing the fever and headache. :)

I hope y'all have had a lovely beginning of week!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

The Diary of a (Currently) Aimless Nerd

Subtitle to this post: Just Keep Swimming..

Yesterday was a strange day. I had to withdraw from JP Catholic after believing that I could stay. I had a really weird headache with body chills and a low-grade fever throughout the day (which didn't break, naturally, until around midnight). Apart from the chills and the headache (and slight fatigue), I didn't feel sick. I ate pretty normally. I didn't fall asleep though I definitely rested. Today I woke up feeling as if I hadn't had anything... and I was hungry. Weird 24 hours, my friends.

I woke up early (despite not setting an alarm) and went to confession with Mom. My first time in the confessional in 4 weeks for both of us. You can thank illnesses and lack of a/c in the car (plus really hot weather) for that. I spent some time in front of the Blessed Sacrament and asked for guidance. I lit a candle for Mama Mary as well.

After a quick grocery run, I returned home. For most of the afternoon into early evening, I made a pros and cons list for each of my options. I had three (then four) options. I could: 1) get my SLPA certification at a local commu-ity college, 2) return to my alma mater (the dreaded CINO college) for a Master of Science in Education, 3) I could enroll at Steubenville for a Master in Arts in Theology, or)  I could return to Utah State to finish my second Bachelor of Science in Communicative Disorders and Deaf Education. For various outside reasons, SLP/A was ruled out. Main reasons: various alumni agreeing that the woman who ran the program for option 1 was, well... I'll just say I'd rather not put my health at risk there. Option 4? I remembered how heavy the workload was for the program and I don't want my health to take that hit. In the end, 2 and 3 remained my only options... but there are some obstacles for both.

I also looked at job listings for various things -- local archdiocese, several publications (for freelance writing), etc. Nada. Either the job was perfect for me, I met the qualifications, but it was out of state (and I can't relocate at the moment) OR I needed a Master's in either Theology/Religious Studies with teaching certification or a Master's in Education for the local jobs that would've been an okay (repeat: just okay) fit for me.

I feel stuck. I had a clearer vision of what I wanted while I was at JP Catholic. I wanted that degree so I could work with Catholic youth. Whether that meant as a youth minister, as a teacher, or as a DRE in a parish, I didn't know. All I knew is that that is where my heart is; that's where my passion lies. But then... well, we know what happened.

After all the health issues and all the things that have happened, I wonder if I'm just not meant to continue school. My health has been fragile while I'm in school. It first started when I was at Utah State (I became malnourished). I recovered a bit and then headed to JP Catholic. That horrific stomach ache on orientation day should've been a sign. The car accident during my second week of classes should've made me withdraw. But I pushed ahead. I ended up around 109-110 lbs, way underweight for my 5'7"-ish height. During the break from JP Catholic, I wasn't anemic, my platelets, white, and red blood count were normal, AND I was finally my normal weight (first time since I graduated from the CINO college). Return to JP Catholic saw me slightly anemic again with my white and red blood once again low. Platelets still normal as is my weight.

I don't know what to do at this point. Sure, both schools (CINO alma mater and Steubenville) are options but what if I'm just not meant to continue my academic career? Do I want to keep pushing myself and getting more in debt trying to figure that out? I don't think I do. Is that fear talking? Maybe. Also, the obstacles to both are making me seriously rethink things.

Dream job: writing or working with Catholic youth... or both. Like I said, I can do what I'd like with what I have but nowhere near L.A. I wish I could relocate but I can't.

I started a novena to the Sacred Heart of Jesus yesterday because I'm aimless. I don't know if I'm going to be able to go to any school this August or if I have to wait until January. I don't know if I'm even going to continue anything in academia. I can't find a job I can do with my education/experience/qualifications. If I'm completely honest, I'm feeling a little lost.

I do trust God and I know He'll eventually open a door for me... but I still feel lost at this point in time. I'm not particularly good at waiting, especially with Mom's paycheck being the only one coming in (side note: she lost a day of work per week as well) and my royalty checks being teeny tiny and sporadic. The financial strain, especially in this city, is real. I kind of want to cry but I'm going to try to hold it in and place everything at the feet of Christ because, as the kids say, "I can't even." I'm not strong, but He is.

I wanted/needed to let this all out of my system. I already exhausted all my options (I made sure I researched each option thoroughly) so at this point all I can do is wait and see. Just keep swimming... just keep swimming...

Sorry for such a downer post. Not my intention but this is my journey... and it's not always pretty.

Anyway, I hope y'all are having a better weekend than I. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Nevermind, I am Leaving...

Please disregard the whole "I'm not leaving" post from hours earlier. I've officially withdrawn. Long story short: my financial aid was entirely revoked because of the 3.0 minimum. Without financial aid, I can't pay for my classes. "Wait, didn't you say the 2.7...?" Yep. That's what I thought as well. Financial aid is apparently a different beast. It didn't matter that I received a 2.85 in the Fall because of my car accident and having missed half the quarter. It didn't matter than I received a 3.0 this quarter.

I could technically appeal it but I'm not going to. An alumnus helped me there (seriously). I've made the choice to withdraw and go elsewhere. I didn't get kicked out; I've voluntarily chosen to leave instead of getting a private loan. It wasn't worth it to me. I'm already technically a student elsewhere (I never declined admission last year... oops); it's just a matter of whether I want to attend this other school or go elsewhere and do something else.

Maybe this is why I got sick the day of orientation and only felt better until I physically left. Maybe this is why health obstacles were put in my way. Maybe it's all just a bunch of coincidences. Who knows. All I know is that I'm no longer a JP Catholic student.

I wish them the best of luck. The program is great and the professors are very knowledgeable and I thank them for the past two quarters.

Onto bigger and better things. Verso l'alto!

Alright, I have a fever (I've had it since that headache I mentioned in the last post) and my body is starting to ache so I'm going to rest. Yes, having to leave school AND getting sick on the same day. What a lucky gal I am. lol.

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

I Almost Left Grad School

The past couple of days have been a bit of a crazy whirlwind of confusion, stress, and disappointment for me. Why?, you may be wondering (if you didn't see the Instagram post or get a long email from me). Simple: I almost left JP Catholic's graduate program and I had to come up with my final decision and options in two days (by today). 

Basically, it all boiled down to not having the GPA (or so I thought) to continue in the program. I believe I received an 86% final grade for my course (did well on everything except the essay portion of the final exam which hurt the final grade). Between this B and the 2.85 GPA from the disastrous Fall quarter, I have a 2.92 GPA. The GPA minimum was a 3.0. My brain automatically went "Mayday! Mayday!" 

As soon as I figure out my culminative GPA, I went into planning mode because I sure wasn't going to sit around and feel sorry for myself. While I waited for confirmation about having to leave the program, I looked into different things. I looked at the nearby school that has a Speech-Language Pathology program, having the option to finish the state requirements to start working as an SLPA (Speech-Language Pathology Assistant). I do have classes (in which I did well) under my belt from my time at Utah State. I also remembered that I had options to do my Theology degree elsewhere but, honestly, I wasn't super thrilled about any of the other programs (that I could do online). 

I kept trying to remind myself that I was sure that Theology was the path God wanted me to take but doubt momentarily crept into my mind. "What if I discerned my career path wrong? What if this was just so that I could get the Theology bug out of my system? What if this was just so I could grow spiritually?" I looked at jobs I can do in the Archdiocese with my BA degree and my work experience. A few came up but nothing that I was sure was a right fit for me. I looked at jobs out of state. Some were exactly what I wanted to do but then I remembered that my savings have been depleted and I have responsibilities in L.A. so no go.

I finally got word that the minimum GPA to stay in the program was lowered to a 2.7 as of this Spring so I could stay. My scholarship would be decreased by 20% but that wasn't a big deal for me. Though I could stay, I then wondered if I wanted to stay. While my professor is brilliant and I enjoy his classes, I've traditionally done poorly on the essay portion of his final exams. Sure, I do well on everything else but I tank on the essays in the final exams. "What if I can't get a good enough grade to keep the 2.7 minimum? What if I can't 'get' what the professor wants in the final exam?" Oh, "What Ifs...", my old anxiety-inducing friend. Nope, I wasn't going to go down that rabbit hole.

I reached out to those whom I trust and told them what happened. I needed prayer. I needed to figure out what to do. Some encouraged me to return to the SLP field. Others just listened and said they'd pray for me. One friend told me to get in touch with my professor and talk to him about what he's looking for on the final exam. Another encouraged me to stick it out for one more quarter before leaving (if I still wanted to leave). I still haven't heard back from my professor but I hope he does get back to me before the next quarter (which begins on Monday) is in its second week.

What it came down to was choosing what I feel God is calling me to do. I was honest with myself -- if I did SLP, I would mostly be doing it for the financial stability more than anything. Yes, it would help people out and I loved working with the kids when I did on-site/field hours but passion and my heart are in the Theology field. That much was pointed out by at least two people; it's clear that I'm in my element when it comes to Theology. All the "what ifs" started getting answered. "What if... I couldn't find a decent job in L.A. once I graduate?" I'll move. "What if... I bomb out and then owe the government even more money for the three quarters I spent at JP Catholic?" I'll find a job and pay it back somehow. "What if... the money isn't enough since the field is so hard to get into and doesn't pay that well?" God will provide somehow.

I feel a peace about the path I'm on but I did have some doubts while things were in limbo. I need to remember to trust God, even when things are momentarily topsy turvy. I still feel like this is what I'm meant to be doing so I'm going to continue. If my GPA isn't that stellar and I have to leave, well, I'll deal with that if it happens. I've already taken proactive steps into improving as a student (reaching out to my professor; being on top of my work) and improving my health (doctor prescribed iron pills, folic acid, and vitamin C to help with my anemia and dismal folate level). All I can do now is pray and work hard and see what happens in the future.

Anyway, just sharing this part of my journey. It's not always glamorous or fun but stuff like this happens. 

I'm currently experiencing a pretty blah headache (possibly a migraine) so I'm going to rest for a little while before I have to go pick up Mom from work.

I hope everyone has been doing well!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Prayer: Patience and Understanding

When I first tried praying it was entirely selfish. I prayed to get what I wanted... or thought I needed. Did I need a majority of what I prayed for? Nope. One of the last times I prayed in my teens, I prayed that my ex-boyfriend and I would work out our differences and that we'd stay together. I was kind of miffed when it didn't happen. In fact, we ended up breaking up only a week after I prayed. I didn't understand why my prayers hadn't been answered. Wasn't that how prayer worked?, I asked myself. It wasn't until much later that I realized that the break-up was a blessing; to this day he remains the most manipulative and dishonest boyfriend I've ever had.

Fast forward several years later. As I grew spiritually, I learned that sometimes our prayers don't get answered because it's not God's will for us; that He has something better in store. It wasn't overnight. Some of my reversion prayers included a lot of bargaining (big no-no!) so I'd get what I wanted. Eventually I began accepting that I could ask for something but that it wouldn't always be answered. I accepted it and tried to see the positive in unanswered prayers. My default is usually "well, I don't understand it but God knows what He's doing so I trust in Him."

It's really hard to see friends and family struggle with this. No matter how many times you try to explain things, and no matter how many times they say they understanding it, intellectually, they can still feel like God is ignoring them and their "needs" (usually wants).

Lately I had to see someone I'm incredibly close with go through this. Their prayer life and relationship with God was suffering because their prayers were going unanswered. I could see God doing so many wonderful things in their life but they refused to see it; all they could see is how they wanted something and they weren't getting it. I talked to them several times. "I get it in my mind... but I don't get it in my heart" was the usual response. Many prayers and novenas were prayed for them, asking for the gift of understanding for them; that their relationship with God not suffer.

In the past couple of days, God has slowly been revealing His reasons for not answering the prayers intentions the person had. This person now saw that prayer intention one was not answered like they wanted because there was something better planned for them. Prayer intention two was finally answered this week, after a long time (several months) of struggling with understanding why God hadn't answered it. "Now I get it," was what the person told me last night. I hope their relationship with God strengthens and their spiritual life grows after going through this.

Why am I sharing this? Because a) I know how hard it is to want to give up on prayer when we don't get what we think we need (but it's usually what we want and don't actually need) and b) because it's not always easy to help those who are struggling with this issue. Maybe the issue with the person isn't an unanswered prayer but a Church teaching. What I hope at least one person gets out of this blog post is that God is always listening; don't give up just because things aren't done how you want it and/or when you want it.

If your prayer isn't getting answered, it doesn't mean He's not listening. It may mean He has something better in store for you. Maybe it will get answered further down the line but you need to learn and/or grow before it can be answered. As for that person in your life who is struggling with it? Talk to them. If they can't "get it" remind them (when they bring up the subject, of course) that He's listening but answers sometimes take time. If it seems nothing is getting through, pray for them. Unceasingly. Sometimes praying for them -- for their patience, understanding, and struggles -- is exactly what they need. Even if you don't tell them you're praying for them, do it. Nothing is sadder than seeing someone's relationship with God suffering or getting close to becoming irreparable because of something like this.

Anywho, that's it for now. It's not as hot as it was yesterday (112 degrees F!) but I enjoyed my time away from the internet so I'm going to go read some books and stay cool (in my a/c cooled living room). Sorry, internet. ;)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D