Belated Revelations

After our last young adult meeting last month, my friend Joe, another group member (whom I'll call E), and I were on our way to drop off E at his house. Since it was a bit of a drive, I took the time to share with E how I still don't drive long distances because of the car accident I had on October 13, 2015. With my lightheadedness, I don't want to risk driving long distances by myself especially at night. I showed him pictures of the accident (which I had on my iPod touch) and we talked about how it seemed to trigger events that eventually made us leave our (then) home parish and switch to where we currently attend Mass. He said something that has stayed with me, a month later, and which I think I've finally figured out: "what do you think was the message from God from that accident?" (I'm paraphrasing.)

To be honest, I never meditated on it. I had the car accident, thought my guardian angel had really helped me out (which was also the same thought E had without me saying anything) and was grateful that it hadn't been worse. When E asked me what message I thought God was trying to get across, I drew a blank. 

"I don't know," I admitted. "I never really thought about it."

"Well, maybe you should. I think God was trying to tell you something. I don't think these things happen; things happen for a reason and perhaps He was trying to say something. Otherwise, it was just an accident that you learned nothing from," he stated. Again, I'm paraphrasing but that was the gist of it and probably the closest I can get to his actual wording.

It stuck with me, especially since we talked about the coincidences. I had the car accident right after I'd gotten out of spiritual direction with my (now former) spiritual director. It happened on the anniversary of the Miracle of the Sun. That was also the night that I first got into contact with an FSSP priests who came over the follow day (for a blessing) and who we still see (he even came to bless our home this past Epiphany). The following month, my spiritual director kicked me out of his office and that set into motion us leaving that parish and following the FSSP priest to his (temporary) parish. (side note: everyone who knows the full story has come to the same conclusion of why I was kicked out of my former SD's office on their own but since none of us know for sure, I won't discuss it.) That led to me re-evaluating things, me joining the young adult group I'm in, and has had an overall positive change in both of our (Mom's and my) lives. There was something that seemed to be missing from that puzzle but it took E's question for me to try to figure it out... and I think I have. 

It has dawned on me that I have gotten a much-needed second chance to make things right. I had the same thought when I went to the last doctor's appointment: "you're getting a second chance." See, I had reached a plateau in my spiritual direction before my accident. I felt as if I wasn't getting much out of them anymore. Furthermore, while my SD expressed his justified dissatisfaction with me for missing Mass or my prayer time in order to do coursework on a tight deadline (yeah, that was a massive problem I had when I was in grad school; one of which I have since worked on and fixed), it wasn't the massive ear pulling I needed. I feel like the car accident was that; an ear pulling and a sort of wake-up call that I've belatedly realized.

Yes, it's been almost a year and a half since the car accident. Yes, I've wasted so much time trying to figure things out. However, I'm very grateful to E for having me meditate on all of these things. Remember when I wrote about my body being weak but my heart being on fire? I think part of why I felt that way was because of this revelation. Today's health scare (I thought I was having a heart attack at the grocery store; we guessed that it was a combination of acid reflux and a bad panic attack -- my first in a long time -- that hit at the same time) just drove the point home even more: I have gotten a second chance and I need to make the most of it... which, really, is a wonderful message during Lent.

How many times did saints mess up and, still, they were forgiven, they amended their lives, and are now spending eternity with God in Heaven? God's mercy is greater than our sins... no matter how bad they are. I know (as seen through Scripture) that He wants us to repent and return to Him. Luke 15:11-32, anyone? I was able to fix my terrible priorities (now Mass comes before any exam or coursework I may have that weekend). I think I've figured out the path (for both big and little v vocations) God wants me to take and have made a lot of progress in them. Now to reorder and fix a couple more things in my life, especially when it comes to facing my fears. I've started work on that but it's still going to be a massive uphill battle for me since it's going to mean undoing years of bad habits and negative thoughts. What a better way to spend my Lent (and the weeks leading up to the 100th anniversary of Our Lady of Fatima) than to work on my relationship with God and making the most of my second chance?

Before I end this blog post, I have one more thing to share: in case you're wondering, no Mass again this past weekend. We wanted to try for Saturday but I got sick and then Sunday was a mess as well. That's officially 8 Sundays without Mass (though I have attended Mass at least twice -- during the week -- in the past 8 weeks). Still, I'm going to try again and I'll fight through the lightheadedness and other obstacles to the best of my abilities. We have a plan for this week and the weekend and any prayers you can offer up so that we can get to confession and Mass would be greatly appreciated.

Alright, that's enough for today. I have more to share but they're different topics so I'll just break them into different posts. I'm taking it easy today since I've had a busy couple of days so I may write more blog posts now and schedule for later in the week. I have a big exam this weekend, a research paper due next week, and another huge exam the week after that so I'm going to try to blog when I can and schedule them so that there aren't big gaps in between blog posts. :)

I hope y'all are having a lovely start of the week! :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

"But, Emmy... it's Lent!" Oops?

*sings along to some of my favorite songs.*

"Emmy, you can't do that! It's Lent!"

*dances around the living room or bedroom as a form of exercise."

"You can't do that, either! It's Lent!"

Oops?

I've been feeling really great the last 2-3 days so I've been singing and dancing... and twirling around in skirts and dresses since it's been summer-weather hot lately. I have a little more color in my cheeks (hello, rosy-hue I've missed) and I've been able to dance and have hour-long walks without problems. I think it's been the combo of whatever was working against me wearing off as well as the change in my diet and exercise regime. I even woke up 2 hours earlier than usual yesterday and today... on my own. I was feeling gratitude for the upswing and then... "But, Emmy... it's Lent!"

Yes, I know it's Lent. Yes, I know it's a penitential season. Um, hi. Have you read my blog posts since Lent has begun? I'm very well aware what this season is about. Still, I didn't really think that I couldn't feel happy about the change in things. I didn't know that my form of exercise (usually dancing, walking, or hiking; mostly dancing and walking when I can't get to a local mountain range) was prohibited because it was Lent. I didn't know I wasn't allowed to sing. Oops?

I usually field these questions on social media because it's the way to get quicker and more responses but I'm abstaining from social media so here's my question for those who may know more about it than I do: are singing and dancing not allowed during Lent?

Like I said, I'm aware that this is a season of penance and thinking about Christ's suffering and death. I've been praying the Sorrowful Mysteries every day except Sundays during Lent. I've been watching the daily Mass on EWTN or, at least, reading the daily readings and meditating on them. I know there shouldn't be much celebrating but... I didn't know I had to be only quiet and solemn the 40 days of Lent. If I've been doing something I shouldn't be doing, someone please correct me.

Anyway, I just wanted to put this question out there. Someone, please, let me know if that's just a scrupulous POV or if I really need to tone down my singing and dancing. I get why it's not the best idea but I also wonder if it's taking it too far. In fact, I keep thinking about this meme:

Just, help a sister out. OH! And, for the friends who've emailed me and texted me with concern after reading the latest blog posts, you can FaceTime me or ask for proof that I'm not as sick as you might think. I'll be okay. No worries, my dears. :D
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And now back to working on my research paper. ;)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

When Frustrations Make You Overlook Blessings

I'm taking a break from working on my research paper on childhood stuttering (speech-language pathology students represent!) because, as I was working on the paper, I was hit with two thoughts that seem to be connected: 1) feeling frustrated when your plans don't materialize and 2) overlooking your blessing and forgetting to be grateful for what you have.

As I stated in my last blog post, despite any physical limitations I might've had lately (which seem to have been caused by an accidental dairy-ingestion), I've been wanting to do a lot more than what I've been able to do in recent weeks/months. Being unable to help out in the soup kitchen -- which I heard was an amazing experience -- and having other efforts to do more thwarted this weekend simply increased that desire and it's made me feel a little restless.

On Saturday night, I booked a trip with a local transportation system (which both Mom and I are a part of) that would take us to Mass. After the doctor confirmed that the persistent lightheadedness is due to the anemia, I knew it would be something that will derail any plans to drive to Mass in the afternoon/evening until my iron levels get better.

I want to go to Mass. I need to go to Mass. I was excited that I had a ride to Mass. That way, even if I got a bit lightheaded, I would be okay. I wouldn't be driving and thus I wouldn't be putting myself, my mother, or other people out on the street in danger. I got dressed up (and made an extra effort to look nice because I was so excited). We went outside in the 90+ degree heat to wait for our ride that was scheduled at 5:12 p.m.

When 5:30 p.m. came and there was still no ride, I called them to find out what time they would get there. "I'm sorry," the dispatcher said. "It looks like your taxi won't be able to make it." I was gutted. I walked back up the stairs to my apartment and slumped down on my chair in my book cave. I thought I was finally going to go to Mass. I was excited. I had planned it all out. I even booked the trip almost 2 hours before Mass began in case there was some delay. I didn't forsee this coming. Needless to say, we marked our 7th weekend without attending Mass.

That seems to be the theme lately: having the desire to do something and not getting anywhere. Exhibit A: Saturday's planned outing with the young adult group but having to pull out because I felt physically weak. Exhibit B: Sunday's plan to go to Mass but still missing Mass due to lack of transportation. Exhibit C: getting only 24 hours to study instead of the full 3 weeks I should've gotten prior to my last exam. There are more examples but I'm not going into them. The more I want to do, the less I can do. All aboard the S.S. Failboat, destination: Frustration Island.

With the recent trend of being a living example of Murphy's law, I decided to try to finish my research paper which is actually not due until the end of the month. Yes, I'm starting early because I'm not going to take chances. As I got more and more into the paper, I got hit with the sudden realization that I've been failing to be grateful for what I do have.

Sure, my health isn't the greatest right now... but it is improving as seen in the last round of blood work. I've been within a healthy weight range (after being underweight following my car accident and trying to do too much at the same time) for the past year without any problems. I currently weigh more or less the same I weighed a decade ago which is my normal adult weight. Now that I've turned my book cave into a home office (which just means I added a desk to the room), I've been able to study and really focus when I need to. I've somehow managed to do really well in my last three exams despite the lack of study time. I received my car (after the mechanic spent months trying to get it running safely after my car accident) a year ago and I've had no major problems with either the car or anxiety while driving. Speaking of anxiety: has anyone seen my anxiety? I haven't had a full-blown panic attack or anything of the sort for a long time.

How easy it is to get caught up in what we want and how much easier it is to forget to thank God for what we have. I have an amazing mom who will support me in whatever I decide to do. I have awesome older brothers who will do what they can for me, even if they're in other states and/or countries. I have an amazing group of friends (who are like family to me) who are there for me no matter what, even at late/early hours of the day. I have a bright future, career-wise. I've been able to fulfill a dream of getting published. I'm able to rest as much as I need to with my only worries being getting my coursework completed on time and keeping this household running (i.e. paying bills, keeping the house clean, running errands, keeping the 'fridge stocked, etc.).

I think I'm beginning to realize why God has delayed everything for me. The key word is "think." If I had a family (children), it would've made it harder for me to recover as much as I have to date. I wouldn't have had the opportunities I've had until now. That's not to say I don't still wish I had a fella to share my life with or that I don't wish to have a family someday, but I'm starting to see why -- and feel grateful for -- the delay.

I spent my late teens through early 20s helping take care of my dad (until his death) and then I pretty much took over and helped keep my mom from the crippling depression that following his death. I put others before myself and I failed to learn to take care of myself. I didn't start learning to do that until my mid-late 20s. Heck, I'm still learning how to do that now, shedding bad habits in the process. I didn't have the typical selfish college years. I feel like I'm now getting a chance to be "selfish" by being able to simply take care of myself and enjoy a little bit of "freedom" before the next phase of my life. There's still a couple of things I need to break the habit of doing and other things that I need to learn to be the best version of myself.

I'm going to bookmark this post for when I'm feeling restless... or when someone is on my case about still being single (which is about to start because my birthday is coming up in May and it's usually when people begin with the comments). Most of the time, I can understand that I can't do everything I want when I want. For the times that I get impatient and my inner Grumpy Cat wants to come out, I'm going to re-read this.

All in God's time. Such a cliché saying for a reason, folks. Despite wanting to do a, b, c, d, and e, I know that things will fall into place when He thinks it's the right time for me. Who knows, maybe the lack of Mass attendance is going to fan the flames in my heart to evangelize (despite my dislike of public speaking and/or engaging in conversations that may result in arguments) or do something that will make me grow closer in my relationship with God. Yes, my optimism is showing. ;)

Anyway, just random thoughts I needed to get out of my head so that I can go back and focus on my research paper. :)

I hope y'all are having a good start of the week! :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

My Body Feels Weak but My Heart is on Fire

Oh, Lent 2017... you're throwing me some massive curveballs I wasn't anticipating. As I mentioned in the last post, on Thursday I went to my follow-up appointment with my doctor following Tuesday's E.R. visit. A new plan was put in place in hopes to better my iron absorption. Ask me if I've been able to get myself to more than one store to try to find either a ferrous gluconate or another iron pill that I can try. Nope. Ask me if this is intentional or because of time management issues? The answer is "nope!" Now that I'm trying to be even more gung-ho about finding other iron alternatives, I have something new (yet old) that's popped up. It's called extreme fatigue lethargy and it stinks.

Since about Wednesday-Thursday, I've felt a lot more run down than usual. I'm sleeping longer and later. I'm randomly falling asleep during the day. I would've blamed my anemia except for the fact that I've had my hemoglobin and iron levels much lower in the past (and they're actually not too bad; I'm only "slightly" anemic) and have still been able to retain enough energy to do what I need to do. No, this is something else. I have a few theories.

The first theory is the stress and all the non-stop busyness that has popped up in the last couple of days. I went from being sick (which a doctor warned me against) to traveling (and getting only 2 hours of sleep the first day) before I was able to full recovery. I also tried to fast on Ash Wednesday and I abstained from meat and, well, fasting and I aren't friends. That and I needed the iron. Yeah, I know, poor thinking on my part.

The second theory is that I ended up accidentally ingesting enough dairy to make me sick when the waitress messed up my order when we were in Tijuana last weekend; the waitress simply scraped off the cheese they had added to my plate (after I told her I was allergic) and didn't bother checking under my grilled chicken or fries where I later found cheese, after accidentally eating a bit of it. This feeling of intense fatigue and lethargy is typical (for me) when I have dairy and is the reason why they took it out of my diet over a decade ago.

My third theory is that it's just been way too hot lately (what is "winter" in March?) and, since we just replaced our central air filter and have been able to turn on the AC today, I've simply overheated during the day the last couple of days.

Right now, I'm going with a combo of all the above though I'm guessing number #2 (accidental dairy consumption) has been the biggest culprit for the additional tiredness. Either way, I've had to change and/or cancel my plans and it's made me a bit grumpy... and very happy.

I was set to help out at a soup kitchen with my fellow young adult group members this morning but I had a feeling I wasn't going to be able to stay on my feet or do anything too productive in the 4 hours we were scheduled to by there. I ended up emailing the group's organizer that I had to cancel. It's a good thing I did because Mom said I looked terrible this morning (before I passed out and slept for another 3 hours due to the exhaustion).

Since I nixed the plans to drive into Hollywood for the community service we were doing, I thought I was going to be okay enough to drive to a local parish for morning confessions. Nope. As I said, Mom said I looked terrible in the morning so we put it off until the afternoon. What happened this afternoon? I started feeling shaky and weak about half an hour before we had to leave. We ended up missing confession and I've not yet recovered enough to attend Saturday Vigil Mass. We'll try again tomorrow.

I normally don't have a bunch of these different health issues come at me all at once. The cold I had two weeks ago was followed by the week-long intense molar pain. That ended up in my jaw for two days and neither the dentist nor the doctor could figure out the cause for it. Now I'm experiencing extreme fatigue and lethargy? What gives? Oh yes, it's Lent and all of this started the weekend before Lent began. No, I'm not blaming Lent... exactly. It's just an interesting coincidence.

I truly believe that I'm going through all of this for a reason I've yet to figure out. Of course, I also have theories (when do I not? lol) about why I've been going through all of this... and most are making me happy. Right now, I'm going with the theory that God is going to prepare me for something good. Whenever I get hit with a bunch of things at once -- whether they are all health-related, school-related, finance-related, etc. -- I end up learning something extremely valuable that also helps me grow in my spiritual life.

Before all of this began, I was feeling pretty stagnant in my spiritual life. After an amazing Advent (with those wonderful 54-day Rosary novena results) and Christmastide, I felt like I had outgrown where I was; like I needed to step things up in both spiritual life and in my life in general. Not only was I feeling like that, the combination of fear and lack of trust were also wrecking havoc on my interior life. I was restless and I felt unworthy of His mercy but I was too afraid to do anything about it.

As weird as it sounds, since this past Thursday -- especially after beginning Roses Among Thorns by St. Francis de Sales -- I feel like I'm starting to break through that. I have such a great desire to attend confession and Mass. I was looking forward to stepping away from my selfishness and doing something for someone else. Needless to say, it's bumming me out more than usual that I missed out on two chances today due to circumstances beyond my control. (P.S. if any of my offline friends are reading this and will be in my area -- and want to help a sister out -- having the option of someone offering to drive me to Mass might help me get there for once. Just saying.)

There's a great joy and hope that I haven't felt for several weeks, maybe even since Advent ended. I feel like something in me has been woken up, that fire has been lit, *insert another cliché here*, and like I'm going to go through another massive change throughout this season. Not only that, I feel like doing a lot of good for others. I'm not sure how with what I have on my plate, but I want to do something that will make a difference in at least one person's life this Lent. Of course, I may just feel like that and nothing may end up happening (remember that feelings can trip you up sometimes) but, I don't know, that hope is there. My optimistic side is clinging onto that feeling like a life preserver.

Perhaps I have to go through all of this now to appreciate what is to come. God only knows. What I do know is that these little bits of hope and joy are giving me the courage to face my fears, a big way, too, and the strength to endure all the physical symptoms I've felt lately. To quote my favorite (soon-to-be) saint, Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati, "verso l'alto." I may not physically feel energized but, oh, my heart and my spirit feel on fire. ;) (side note: before two of you seminarian friends -- you know who you are -- make the joke, yes, I'm sure it's not heartburn I'm experiencing, thankyouverymuch. ;D)

Anyway, I still have to finish cleaning the apartment (I took a break while I recovered from feeling a bit shaky and weak) so I'll go try to do that now that I feel a bit better.

I hope y'all are having a lovely weekend thus far. :)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless. :D

When St. Francis de Sales Drops Truth Bombs

Before I begin, I just wanted to say that, yes, I know the last two blog posts weren't posted on the Facebook page. I went to IFTTT to fix it and this post should be posted as soon as I publish it. If you're only following me via the FB page, the last thing posts were about my inability to start Lent "right" and about a trip to the E.R. You know, fun stuff. ;)

Today, I went to a follow-up doctor's appointment because of the E.R. visit two days ago. It was mostly good, though I did get some much-needed ear pulling for not taking the multivitamin like I should've. Mea culpa. I've set up an alarm so I won't forget because I do tend to forget to take these supplements. I mean, I even forget to drink enough water some days because I'm sometimes way too busy. (side note: yes, I downloaded an app to remind me of my water intake as well.) I have another appointment coming up in a month and we hope to see some good blood work results since we're changing my iron and folate supplements so the two that should be easier on my stomach.

While I was waiting to see the doctor, I began reading Roses Among Thorns by St. Francis de Sales. It has been sitting on my bookshelf, collecting dust, for years so I decided to read it for Lent. As you may know from two posts ago, I hadn't gotten a chance to slow down enough to get started on it. I only made it through the first couple of pages at the doctor's office but, man, St. Francis de Sales dropped a bunch of heavy truth bombs on me.

You know how they say that things happen when you need them most; how sometimes a letter doesn't arrive until God thinks you need what's written the most? That's how I feel about this book. I'm sure I hadn't read it until now because I needed to "hear" these things now. It honestly felt like I was getting another ear-pull, a hug, and some courage for the one thing I have to really work on: confronting my fears.

I'm not sure if my adventurous/courageous side left after my father died or if it's a result of me experiencing too much in a short amount of time but, somewhere down the line, I got a little too cautious... to the point where I developed a lot of fears. This is coming from the girl who, despite anxiety, agreed to get on the craziest, scariest rides at Six Flags Magic Mountain with a bunch of people I had just met that day (we had one mutual friend) a week after 9/11 happened. This is from the girl who wanted to drive (but couldn't because of the wrecked car) the day after she got in her car accident, a year and a half ago. This is coming from the girl who nearly left California to study in England as an undergrad, knowing no one in the area.

I highlighted a lot of things in only 19 pages of the short book. The reoccurring theme (which I'm sure is different for other people reading the book) has been that I have to face my fears in a big way. That's not to say that I'm going to do anything crazy but there's a lot that's been holding me back in recent months because of fears. This is something that I need to do on my own (with God, of course) and for myself; no one can do anything but pray that I have the courage to pull it off.

St. Francis de Sales writes that "... before bringing peace to a place, he (Jesus, Prince of Peace) first brings war (cf. Matt. 10:34-36) by dividing the heart and soul from its most dear, familiar, and ordinary affections," how "... it is when we are suffering interiorly that God rips off the last bits of skin of the old man in order to renew us..." Since I've been enduring an intense inner battle regarding fears and of letting go so that I better follow God's will for me, this really hit close to home. I think that we sometimes forget that we must suffer in order to eventually receive whatever grace/gift God wants to give us. The suffering can be for purification reasons or simply to help us better appreciate and take care of the gifts coming our way. In my case, I think it might be all of the above.

At the moment I'm vacillating between feeling like I have a bit of valor a la St. Joan of Arc (whose feast day is on my birthday) and wondering if I actually have the courage to confront my fears. I guess only time will tell but, if I keep getting bombarded by these truth nuggets, I think a lot of good things will come out of this Lenten season. You bet I'm going to review this book as soon as I finish it.

Anyway, this was something I felt like sharing today. Can you tell that I'm on spring break (aka freedom (!!!) from coursework) and that I have an insatiable urge to write, especially when I can't get on social media? lol. I miss you, social media... but this is good for me. It's not you; it's me. ;)

I hope y'all have had a lovely week thus far. :D

As always, thank you for reading and God bless! :D