As I stated in my last blog post, despite any physical limitations I might've had lately (which seem to have been caused by an accidental dairy-ingestion), I've been wanting to do a lot more than what I've been able to do in recent weeks/months. Being unable to help out in the soup kitchen -- which I heard was an amazing experience -- and having other efforts to do more thwarted this weekend simply increased that desire and it's made me feel a little restless.
On Saturday night, I booked a trip with a local transportation system (which both Mom and I are a part of) that would take us to Mass. After the doctor confirmed that the persistent lightheadedness is due to the anemia, I knew it would be something that will derail any plans to drive to Mass in the afternoon/evening until my iron levels get better.
I want to go to Mass. I need to go to Mass. I was excited that I had a ride to Mass. That way, even if I got a bit lightheaded, I would be okay. I wouldn't be driving and thus I wouldn't be putting myself, my mother, or other people out on the street in danger. I got dressed up (and made an extra effort to look nice because I was so excited). We went outside in the 90+ degree heat to wait for our ride that was scheduled at 5:12 p.m.
When 5:30 p.m. came and there was still no ride, I called them to find out what time they would get there. "I'm sorry," the dispatcher said. "It looks like your taxi won't be able to make it." I was gutted. I walked back up the stairs to my apartment and slumped down on my chair in my book cave. I thought I was finally going to go to Mass. I was excited. I had planned it all out. I even booked the trip almost 2 hours before Mass began in case there was some delay. I didn't forsee this coming. Needless to say, we marked our 7th weekend without attending Mass.
That seems to be the theme lately: having the desire to do something and not getting anywhere. Exhibit A: Saturday's planned outing with the young adult group but having to pull out because I felt physically weak. Exhibit B: Sunday's plan to go to Mass but still missing Mass due to lack of transportation. Exhibit C: getting only 24 hours to study instead of the full 3 weeks I should've gotten prior to my last exam. There are more examples but I'm not going into them. The more I want to do, the less I can do. All aboard the S.S. Failboat, destination: Frustration Island.
With the recent trend of being a living example of Murphy's law, I decided to try to finish my research paper which is actually not due until the end of the month. Yes, I'm starting early because I'm not going to take chances. As I got more and more into the paper, I got hit with the sudden realization that I've been failing to be grateful for what I do have.
Sure, my health isn't the greatest right now... but it is improving as seen in the last round of blood work. I've been within a healthy weight range (after being underweight following my car accident and trying to do too much at the same time) for the past year without any problems. I currently weigh more or less the same I weighed a decade ago which is my normal adult weight. Now that I've turned my book cave into a home office (which just means I added a desk to the room), I've been able to study and really focus when I need to. I've somehow managed to do really well in my last three exams despite the lack of study time. I received my car (after the mechanic spent months trying to get it running safely after my car accident) a year ago and I've had no major problems with either the car or anxiety while driving. Speaking of anxiety: has anyone seen my anxiety? I haven't had a full-blown panic attack or anything of the sort for a long time.
How easy it is to get caught up in what we want and how much easier it is to forget to thank God for what we have. I have an amazing mom who will support me in whatever I decide to do. I have awesome older brothers who will do what they can for me, even if they're in other states and/or countries. I have an amazing group of friends (who are like family to me) who are there for me no matter what, even at late/early hours of the day. I have a bright future, career-wise. I've been able to fulfill a dream of getting published. I'm able to rest as much as I need to with my only worries being getting my coursework completed on time and keeping this household running (i.e. paying bills, keeping the house clean, running errands, keeping the 'fridge stocked, etc.).
I think I'm beginning to realize why God has delayed everything for me. The key word is "think." If I had a family (children), it would've made it harder for me to recover as much as I have to date. I wouldn't have had the opportunities I've had until now. That's not to say I don't still wish I had a fella to share my life with or that I don't wish to have a family someday, but I'm starting to see why -- and feel grateful for -- the delay.
I spent my late teens through early 20s helping take care of my dad (until his death) and then I pretty much took over and helped keep my mom from the crippling depression that following his death. I put others before myself and I failed to learn to take care of myself. I didn't start learning to do that until my mid-late 20s. Heck, I'm still learning how to do that now, shedding bad habits in the process. I didn't have the typical selfish college years. I feel like I'm now getting a chance to be "selfish" by being able to simply take care of myself and enjoy a little bit of "freedom" before the next phase of my life. There's still a couple of things I need to break the habit of doing and other things that I need to learn to be the best version of myself.
I'm going to bookmark this post for when I'm feeling restless... or when someone is on my case about still being single (which is about to start because my birthday is coming up in May and it's usually when people begin with the comments). Most of the time, I can understand that I can't do everything I want when I want. For the times that I get impatient and my inner Grumpy Cat wants to come out, I'm going to re-read this.
All in God's time. Such a cliché saying for a reason, folks. Despite wanting to do a, b, c, d, and e, I know that things will fall into place when He thinks it's the right time for me. Who knows, maybe the lack of Mass attendance is going to fan the flames in my heart to evangelize (despite my dislike of public speaking and/or engaging in conversations that may result in arguments) or do something that will make me grow closer in my relationship with God. Yes, my optimism is showing. ;)
Anyway, just random thoughts I needed to get out of my head so that I can go back and focus on my research paper. :)
I hope y'all are having a good start of the week! :D
As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D
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