Not a Complete Lost Cause?

Note to self (and everyone else): don't ever think I'll have time to blog during the semester because "free time" does not exist. How many weeks until winter break? 5? How months until graduation? 6? Cue "Little Emmy that Could" motivational slogans...

Oh, hi, everyone! Sorry for the lack of posts but, well, "free time" is the unicorn in my life right now. I had a rare two hours of free time a couple of days ago so I wrote a chapter and a half for NaNoWriMo but that's about it. Whatever free time I have in between observation hours, writing the reports for those hours, watching lecture videos, doing homework assignments, and preparing for tests (but not studying for them... never enough time) has been spent in prayer or making sure I'm eating and sleeping well. I'm not making the mistake of not eating and sleeping in order to get everything done like I did two years ago. I don't want to repeat that, especially since I'm still paying for it with my health. (quick side note to that: I've managed to maintain a healthy weight and have even regained two of the pounds I'd lost during the early part of the semester when I was going through all my health scares. I've also been eating and sleeping well.)

Anyway, I've had a couple of people ask me if I've been able to get to Mass since my last blog post and I'm happy to say that I was able to go for All Saints' Day (finally, a day of obligation for L.A.!)... but only for a couple of minutes. Long story short, my mother wasn't feeling well (chest pressure and palpitations) and I wasn't about to leave her home alone while I went to Mass, make her make the 15-mile trip to the local Latin Mass, nor have her miss Mass if she felt better later so I had to cancel our transportation and settled on going to Mass at the local parish. There were a few hiccups along the way and we ended up arriving little late to Mass. Not only that, the priest at this parish loves to use incense and, while I love the smell of it, it makes me much more lightheaded than I usually have been lately. I had to stand in the back for the majority of the time we were there and then I started feeling worse so we had to leave. I did try and we made it to the Mass but just not the entire Mass. Baby steps, right? Hopefully, tomorrow will be more successful.

What I have been getting better about is my prayer life. On All Saints' Day, we (many of you lovely blog readers, friends, and even my mama) started the 54-day Rosary novena which has been a huge blessing to far. Yes, we're only 5 days into it and I've had my fair share of not so great experiences in those 5 days but I've been able to focus on the Rosary meditations much better than I have in months. Also, is it just me or has this novena been going by way too fast? I feel like it's flying by. I don't know if it's because I have so much to do during the day (which leaves my novena prayer time for right before I go to bed), if it's because I'm used to the praying the Rosary daily, because I do novenas frequently, or a combination of all three. Maybe this novena was just what I needed to get back in the proper mind frame.

Even a year ago, while I was at JPCatholic, I was still in that "I need to get coursework done first!" mentality. I put essential things such as sleep, eating, and even prayer time before it. Now it's the opposite. I put more of an emphasis on self-care and prayer. I'm not stressing out as much on getting all the maximum points on my assignments and exams. My motto this semester has been: "if I pass, awesome... if not, oh well. I tried." That's not to say that I don't study (when I have the time and mental capacity for it) but I don't stress myself out like I used to. I keep reminding myself that I have other options in case I end up not being able to finish this degree for whatever reason. I already have one degree and other career options. I'm trusting God to pull off miracles if I come up short in my efforts (especially if they're beyond my control) but He wants me to take that particular path in life. So maybe I'm not a complete lost cause?

Even though I've come out meetings and the confessional feeling like I don't have what it takes to be a faithful Catholic (just one priest has made me feel that way, btw), even though I can't always make it to Mass, even though I'm still trying to remember that the state of my soul needs more attention than temporary things here on this earth -- coursework, I'm looking at you, and even though I can't always concentrate on some of my prayers (folate deficiency and anemia are mental fog beasts), maybe there's still hope for me. I've certainly felt that way since All Saints' Day. Again, not sure if it's the novena or everyone's prayers because I know I have a lot of people praying for me. Cue "Everything is Awesome" from the LEGO movie. lol.

Alright, that's it for now. I'm hoping to make it to confession in an hour so I should go eat and get ready. Please, oh, please... let me go to confession today! It's been 6 long weeks, the longest I've gone without going to confession in years. I'm usually a "week to 2 weeks" type of gal when it comes to this sacrament so I'm itching to go back. 

I won't have time to blog again until at least after Tuesday because I have an exam on Monday morning to study for and observation hours to do... and homework assignments due... and reports to write for the observation hours... and a research paper to write with a group... Yeah, can December 16 get here already? Thanks. ;)

I hope y'all are having a great weekend and have a lovely rest of weekend into next week. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Missing Mass = Terrible Catholic?

I'm trying to get my mind off of how uncomfortable all the tape from the heart holster feels on my ribcage so... new blog post for y'all! lol.

Another weekend came and went and still no Mass for me.  That makes it 6 weeks in a row, a new record for me. Siiigh. I can't begin to describe how lousy and uncomfortable I feel missing Mass. I didn't feel right yesterday. I drove to our usual grocery store get food a couple of hours before the last Mass but I wasn't feeling that great in that short drive. As soon as it started drizzling again, I knew it wasn't going to happen. I was disappointed in myself and in general. Yes, I know, I have excuses because I've been too lightheaded to drive by myself which puts me and others at risk. Yes, I know two of those weekends were spent in bed. Still, sometimes I feel like I don't try hard enough.

I've had more than one priest tell me that I'm too hard on myself but sometimes I feel like I don't try hard enough. I'm the only one in this household who drives. Our neighbors either don't go to Mass or they go at different times and we can't catch them in time to tag along. Public transportation while lightheaded makes me even more nervous due to past experiences where I've felt like nearly passing out. Taxi and Uber can be costly round-trip. a parish priest at the nearest church has been known to use incense often which isn't bad except the last two times I've felt like I couldn't breathe and got more lightheaded. The majority of other nearby parishes don't have Mass past noon which stinks because sometimes the lightheadedness gets better later in the day. What else am I missing that I can do?

Sometimes I wonder if the lightheadedness is a weak excuse to not drive to Mass. I've been told, more than once, it's dangerous so I tend to not drive when I'm really lightheaded. I know it's caused by the low red blood count (anemia) as well as the low folate level. I can't kneel at Mass for more than a couple of seconds for the same reason (blood doesn't circulate as well as it could). Are these excuses enough? Or am I just using the excuses to not try harder?

I guess I'm wondering about this because the sting of the last confession with my former spiritual director still lingers. Last night I had the thought that perhaps he's right; perhaps I don't have what it takes to be a faithful Catholic. I can't even make it to Mass, how can I call myself a faithful Catholic when I'm missing a huge part of what is required of us? I also thought about how I can keep praying and asking for health issues to get resolved when I can't even go to Mass for God. Am I just a really terrible Catholic? For the record, these thoughts didn't linger but it did plant a seed of uneasy in me.

Anyway, I'm writing this to keep myself accountable. I don't want to make this "No Mass" streak any longer. I have been eating better and taking folic acid more frequently (when I don't forget it... or it gets put away by someone who is not me) so I hope that it'll help with the lightheadedness. If anyone has any tips, please send them my way!

Tomorrow, the 54-day Rosary novena begins. I'm excited about all the people who have signed up to get reminders! Last time we had no more than 5-6 so nearly 20 people (that I know of, anyway) this time around is huge. You can always join in, even if you don't let me know. ;)

Alright, the trick-or-treaters are starting to come out so I'm going to go hide. If there's a Grinch-equivalent for Halloween, I'm totally one. I've never liked Halloween, even as a child. Talk to me about All Saints' Day and All Souls' Day and you'll find yourself an excited camper. ;)

I hope y'all have a lovely, safe night (especially those going out) and had a lovely weekend! :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Quick Reminder: 54-day Rosary Novena

Just a quick reminder for those of you who are doing the 54-day Rosary novena with us starting Tuesday, November 1st (All Saints' Day): if you want me to remind you, please let me know by tomorrow night. I'm getting a second 24-hour heart holster fitted on Monday and I have a lot of coursework to do between tonight (been working on this stuff for a couple of days now) through Monday night so I want to make sure I have everyone's names written down on my list for Tuesday morning.

I hope to remind everyone around the same time every day. I'll schedule it on the FB page but it'll vary on Twitter since my next two weeks are filled with a lot of work. Can you say "second half of the semester rush"? I'll aim for the morning but might be in the afternoon at times. Just a warning.

Alright, that's it for now. I need to go back and try not to virtually shin kick my classmates in one of the three group projects I'm working on this semester. I don't have any problems with anyone in any other group except with one. Goodness me... may the Lord give me patience while dealing with these women. lol.

I hope y'all are having a lovely weekend thus far. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

In Sickness and In Health?

Tiny violin. Get it? lol.

I'm just going to say it: sometimes I worry that no man will want to marry me because of all the health issues I've been through in recent years. There. I said it. It's out in the open.

If you're wondering what prompted this blog post and admission, it's been a number of things. The combination of reading vocation stories, having my own (future) vocation reaffirmed, and the fact that I've finally stopped making excuses to avoid dating and being open to dating has all been building up over the past couple of months.

"If you're worried about not finding someone who will want to be with you while you're sick, why even date?" Why go to school? Why get up in the morning? Why make plans? All for the same reason: I'm very optimistic that I'll get healthier before I know it. Why do I keep studying even though the medical conditions I have right now (which are reversible, thank goodness) make it difficult to memorize and concentrate? Again, because I don't plan on being sick forever. Furthermore, I don't want to stay stagnant. I feel like I've wasted so many years of my life just staying in the same place, not moving forward, because I let the obstacles that are in my way give me an excuse to be selfish and put a pause on things. I'm tired of doing that so forward I must go.

"If you're sure about your vocation, why are you worried about not finding someone?" Because I'm human. I worry about things I have no control over because that's how I am. My poor father (may he rest in peace) worried about everything and he was superstitious as a result so guess who I learned those terrible habits from. I try to stay positive but sometimes I get overwhelmed and these thoughts pop into my mind. I worry that I discern my vocation wrong and maybe this is all a sign that I'm meant to stay single. You hear that? That's 4 years of being sick without relief. If it's not one thing, it's another.

"But you have to trust God." Who says I don't? I trust God. I definitely don't do a good job at it 24/7 but I try. I'm learning to trust that He will send relief if it's His will. If not, I pray (and trust) that He will send me the courage to endure it. Do you trust God 24/7? Truly and honestly, 100% of the time? Let's be honest, we all have our moments in which trusting God is hard. Maybe not with health issues but financial, familial, career, etc? We've all had our moments. It doesn't mean that we love Him any less, it just means that we have a lot to work on.

One of the reoccurring thoughts that has kept popping up in my mind lately has been "this is all a test of trust." Whether I'm right or wrong, only God knows but I feel like it may be. I say I trust Him, but do I trust Him enough? Nope. It's become so obvious that I don't. This has been heightened with my recent health issues. New symptom? Worry. Heart rate slowing down, taking sharp drops while I sleep? Panic. Often, the "this is all a test of trust" light will flicker on, helping me to relax and not fall into the spiral of self-predicting doom. I'm getting better at it but I still have a long way to go.

I'll be the first to admit that I didn't grow up surrounded by happy marriages. Most women who talked to me and gave me "man advice" growing up were bitter and jaded for one reason or another. One reason I heard was because either the woman got sick and the man left or vice versa. Most of their advice was to establish a career that I could fall back on in case the man I married was a deadbeat who would eventually abandon me for someone else... because "most men are like that." No joke. I heard that advice about 95% of the time when someone older talked to me about getting married in the future. In fact, I still hear it though now it's accompanied by "oh, but you're 31 now. You're educated. You'll be fine either way." Sometimes I feel like they want to add that I'm too sick to even think about it... or have one huge stipulation (that I stay close to my mother since her memory is slowly failing as she gets older) that will make things impossible in the marriage department.

If you're wondering why I'm so open about this and why I'm doing it on such a public forum: because we don't read about it. Ever. In my nearly 10 years as a blogger and blog reader, I've never seen another blogger -- Catholic or otherwise -- talk about their fears regarding their vocation as a future spouse. Maybe I'm the only one that feels like this way but I have a feeling there are others out there who have similar thoughts. Maybe not health issues but another cross that they worry no one will want to help them carry. I'm not ashamed of what I've written because it's my reality. I write what I feel, even if it's not pretty and/or occasionally pessimistic.

Don't worry, I'm not a regular Marvin, the Paranoid Android. I'm not pessimistic all the time. In fact, most of the time I'm quite optimistic about the future and things in general. Still, I have my occasional moments of doubt. I'm sharing what usually goes on in my mind during those moments because I have a doctor's appointment (which is coming up at 6:30 p.m. PST) today and I wanted to blog so this topic came to mind.

That's all I have to say about this topic for now. Just putting it out there. I'm sure my close friends will now keep reminding me that I'm being silly, which is fine. :)

I hope my next post (tomorrow, maybe?) will be much happier. I'm off of social media for the week. I hope. We'll see. I am weak when it comes to posting updates. No, sharing links directly from Catholic websites onto Twitter does not count; I mean actual "I'm bored; this is what's going on with me" posts. ;)

Anyway, I'm going to try to walk around my apartment because I don't want to fall asleep less than an hour before I have to leave for my appointment. Did I mention I only got a little more than 4.5 hours of sleep last night/this morning? Yep. I need to talk to the doctor this evening (not my regular doctor as far as I know) about not being able to fall asleep. Hopefully, that'll help keep me alert for a little while. Don't worry, my mother is coming with me to the appointment so I won't be driving by myself. Yes, I'll also try to avoid heavy traffic by using side streets. :)

I hope y'all had a lovely weekend and have a great start of week!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

54-day Rosary Novena: Who Wants to Join?

I've been thinking of doing the 54-day Rosary novena for several weeks now. With everything that's been going on with me (health-wise) and everything going on with Mom at her work (read: mental and emotional abuse), I thought it was time to do this novena. I've had the "everything that can go wrong, will go wrong" experience the last 3-4 times I've done the novena so I've always thought twice about doing it again. The last time we did it wasn't as bad possibly because we had a large number of people doing it, including a priest.

I kept going back and forth on doing it until I read the article that Tiffany wrote on Catholic Mom about the benefits of doing this novena to prepare for Advent. That's when I took it as a sign to do it. I'd read somewhere (I can't remember exactly where) that it was a good idea to start the novena on All Saints' Day ending on Christmas Eve since it was exactly 54 days.

Over a week ago, I posted a message on this blog's Facebook Page, asking if anyone else would be interested in doing the novena as well. I was not expecting more than one or two responses but was glad to see so many people wanting to participate in it. :) I then posted the link on Twitter and more people jumped on board.

This is an open invitation to anyone who wants to join in praying this novena. You can pray it for any intention you may have or you can ask others for their intentions if you don't have a big one yourself. You can do this novena using either the original format or the modified version which includes the Luminous Mysteries. I've only done it using the Luminous Mysteries in previous novenas but I may try the original format this time around. This website has both versions so you can choose which version you'd like to do.

"I'm interested in doing it but I'm terrible at remembering novenas days..." you may be saying to yourself. That is no problem. If you need a reminder, I will happily send it to your way. Just let me know which way you'd prefer to be contacted (getting tagged on a Twitter tweet, through the Facebook page, or via an email) and I'll send the daily reminder. I'll include what day we're on for both original and modified versions of the novena so you don't have to worry about getting the days mixed up.

For those who have heard horror stories about what can and has happened during the novena ("everything that can go wrong, will go wrong"), I want to reassure you that it doesn't happen to everyone. Yes, I've experienced it myself for each novena but other people who've prayed the novena with me have had no negative experiences. I can also attest that the rewards greatly outweigh any incidents that may happen during the novena. This is a very powerful novena and I highly recommend it if you have big, heavy intentions. Trust God, pray the St. Michael Archangel prayer, and try not to think about anything but the graces you may receive during the novena. :)

Again, the novena begins on November 1st and ends on December 24th. If you're interested in doing the novena please let me know (or remind me again) before October 31st so I can keep track of the people partaking in it on my prayer journal. If you want to bail on the novena at some point for whatever reason, don't worry about it; just let me know so I won't send you reminders. :)

Alright... so, who's in?