Anatomy of a Sick Blogger

I'm going to let you guys in on a little secret: I'm at a point in my illness that I both accept it and I am completely depressed by it. I accept it because I've had it since August (five months) and I've had time to go through all the varying stages of emotions but that doesn't mean I still don't have my moments where I break down and cry. In fact, just before I sat down to write this (and before I prayed day 4 of the 54 Day Rosary novena), I broke down and sobbed. I prefer to do it when I'm alone so my mom doesn't see so I had the perfect chance.

Lately, it's been more apparently that I'm sick... at least physically. I can start seeing my hip bones and collarbone more defined. My clothes no longer fit and I haven't bothered checking but I'm guessing I dropped at least one or two sizes. I know it's not very ladylike to talk about weight but I am going to have to for you guys to understand how I am doing. I was about 132-135 lbs prior to these stomach problems. Today I weighed myself and saw that I dropped another pound since last month... down to 123. That's about 9-12 pounds I've lost in 5 months. For my height (I'm around 5'7"-ish), I'm still within normal weight range. That is good news. I hope that, since my Upper GI test will be in a month and three days (scheduled for February 13th; Ash Wednesday), I won't drop underweight before we get a proper diagnosis.

Before anyone starts freaking out (and thus mortifying me even further), you have to remember that I've cut almost all my usual foods out of my diet. I used to eat a lot of burgers, fries, pasta dishes, and baked goods. A lot. My diet for the last couple of months has consisted of grilled chicken, tortillas, and romaine lettuce for lunch and oatmeal and toast for breakfast and dinner. That is all. When I can, I try to add cantaloupe and watermelon (though this is getting harder to find) as snacks (for something sweet). I've tried adding various things without success. Most foods make me sick... and we don't know why. Even my doctor can't recommend any foods because we just don't know.

And because I know I will get asked, these are my symptoms when I do eat something that does not agree with my stomach: 1) feeling like I'm going to pass out, 2) an empty, gnawing feeling in my stomach (like it's going to start eating itself even if I had just eaten), and/or 3) crazy heartburn. Doctor (based on symptoms) ruled out an ulcer which was my initial guess. I was diagnosed with GERD/dyspepsia a few months ago (when I was at my worst) but that doesn't explain symptoms one and two. A few people (again, based on symptoms) are guessing it could be gallbladder related. The idea of maybe it being a Celiac (gluten) problem has also been thrown around. Either way, I hope they find out what's wrong so that I can start getting the nutrients I need once again.

I'll admit that I frequently have crying jags because of it. Even when I feel at my lowest, I try to remind myself that I am better off than some people and that I shouldn't focus on it so much. Earlier today, when I had to weigh myself to track my progress and saw that I'd lost more weight, I broke down. Who wouldn't? Almost immediately, I felt the urge to pray the Rosary. Remember about how much Our Lord suffered reminds me that I should try to bear my own cross more graciously.

Sure, I ask for our Blessed Mother's intercession but I also have to remind myself that this could all be God's will for me... at least for now. There has to be a reason why I'm going through all of this. It could be that God has something greater planned for me than I could imagine and that I have to go through this in order to appreciate whatever is coming. Maybe it's not even for me but for someone else. If all that I'm going through can help at least one person who reads this post, I will go through my illness without much complaint.

Anyway, I felt like sort of spilling my guts and hope it will relieve some of the stress and melancholic feelings I've been feeling lately. I'll be fine; sometimes I just need to let it all out before I can smile again. :)

And so that this doesn't end on such a bummer note: I am happy to report that I will have some new non-blog material published coming up very, very soon. ;) Yes, even through all of this, I've been able to retain my passion for writing and reading... and swing dancing when I am feeling well enough. ;)

I hope y'all have been having a great week thus far. If you have any prayer requests, please send them my way. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Forks in the (Nerdy) Road. Now What, God?

I should've titled this one: The One in Which I Ramble on. You'll see why. lol.

I've come to realize that, as I start the 54 Day Rosary Novena with Angelica and a couple of friends, I'm at a point where my life could go in different directions. In fact, I am thanking Holy Spirit for undoubtedly helping Angelica present the idea of the novena because it couldn't have come at a better time.

You see the title of the blog post? See how "forks" is plural? Uh-huh, yeah... nearly everything is up in the air right now. It's not necessarily a bad thing. I have options but I may have too many options in some cases. Career, school, the thing I don't like blogging about because I feel it should be kept as private as possible (relationships)... I have a lot to think about. In a way, it's good. Though my career was advancing, most everything else was stagnant and I didn't know what would be next. Now I feel like God has unpaused (wait, is that even a word) my life and is allowing me to grow even more. The trouble is that I have no idea what to do or where to start.

I was thinking of disconnecting from the online world for a couple of days to sort through all my thoughts and feelings (it's sort of my M.O.) but my bestie gave me good reasons why I shouldn't completely disconnect. Seriously, I suffer from Jane Bennet syndrome (too shy at times, too cautious, too "well, I can just wait to see what happens"). (side note: If you don't know who Jane Bennet is, do me a favor and go read Pride and Prejudice). Instead, I'm just going to spend a lot more time praying and writing (I work through things better when I write them out) and less time trying to distract myself on social networks. Sorry, Twitter and Facebook buddies, but I really need to do this. I'm also going to park myself in front of the tabernacle and crucifix as many days as I can this week because I definitely need God's guidance.

Ever feel like you're about to embark on a big journey but you have no idea what it is, when it'll start, where it starts, or how it will start? If so, then you can probably guess how I'm feeling right now. I'm actually writing this late at night on the 7th but it's scheduled for the 8th in the afternoon. Hooray for nighttime ramblings and time to think about deleting the post if I chicken out. lol. No, I won't delete it. This is part of this nerd's journey.

I still don't know what God wants me to do but I have completely let myself trust Him and I am allowing him to lead the way. I know He won't let me go down the wrong path. It's actually quite exciting. I don't know why but I feel really, really looking forward to praying this novena and seeing the results. Maybe I won't get exactly what I'm asking for but I know I'll receive what God thinks is best for me and that is more than enough for me. :D

Okay, officially rambling and I have like 25 minutes to finish my nighttime prayers so I should skedaddle. Don't mind me and my rambling; I occasionally have a couple of these I do throughout the year. lol.

Anyway, still taking prayer requests if you have time. ;) Please load me up with them. I'm serious. :)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless. :D

Confession: I Have a Promise to Keep

So, 2012 didn't exactly go as I had planned. Sure, I graduated (which was a miracle considered the obstacles they threw at me) and I started my career as a writer (my dream job) but I didn't get to accomplish everything I wanted.

When I reverted to the Faith in late summer 2006, I was pretty sick. I had been extremely healthy up to that point. Seriously, I could go years without going to the doctor if I wasn't required to get shots for school. In those days, the doctors hadn't properly diagnosed me with having a severe anxiety relapse (long story short; people can be cruel in when they're mentally and emotionally abusing someone). At one point, I had been in the Emergency Room 3 times in 5 days. What I didn't know then (due to lack of proper diagnosis) was that anxiety can have some pretty bad physical symptoms.

During one of the especially bad ER visits (and a couple of weeks into my reversion -- which I credit to St. Jude's intercession via my mother's prayers), I made a couple of promises to St. Jude: that I would attend a Catholic college to finish my degree and to visit the Vatican (since that is where his remains are) after I graduated. Both things were going to be done as a "thank you" for his intercession for my health. Well, I did graduate from a "Catholic" college (close enough, right? I applied before I knew it was CINO). Now the promise that I have to fulfill is visiting the Vatican.

I desperately want to fulfill that promise for many reasons. A few weeks after asking for intercession, I was on the mend. I got a proper diagnosis, alternative meds (since I'm sensitive to most meds), and was much happier since I had cut all the toxic things out of my life. I returned to school (community college) part time. While I was in school from then on, I was healthy enough to attend with only one major interruption (my father's death). Sure, anxiety still plagues me to this day (though I know what triggers it so I can easily control it) but I can now go several months without a single anxiety attack. And, besides my stomach problems (which I am enduring without much complaint; offering it up), I'm actually the healthiest I've been in years. :D

Because of how fragile my personal finances are at the moment (which is the cause of my anxiety these days), I obviously can't go to the Vatican anytime soon. However, my only New Year's Resolution is to cut back on my miscellaneous spending (even more; I'm a frugal lady ;D) and put whatever money I have left over from tutoring and writing (after bills and tuition payments) into my trip to the Vatican. I hope to go sometime next year, before I head off to grad school.

When I have a goal in mind, I work hard for it. When it's a promise, I worker harder to keep it. I am putting my stubbornness to good use. ;)

Anyway, just felt the urge to write and to share this so... yeah. lol. Today is my last free day before both my freelance writing assignments (which I already have 3 of; big ones, too) and tutoring consume the majority of my day, so I'm going to go relax. :)

Oh! Please don't forget to send me any prayer requests. I'm still aiming for the 365 days of prayers for others. If you have a particularly big intention and are in need of a novena, let me know. I am a novena machine. lol. ;)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

What I Learned Wednesday #5

To be honest, I wasn't going to do this because I've been busy today but then I saw a video that I couldn't not post so... here it goes.

1) Thanks to OpenlyCatholic, I took a 100+ question quiz that tested my Catholic I.Q. I didn't do too badly (considering that I was improperly taught and that I just reverted to the Faith only 6 years ago; I'm still playing catch up) but still not good enough. My final score was a 168. I'm actually going to retake it because I did it when I had that flu-like bug a couple of weeks ago, but I'm guessing it won't be much higher (if any higher) than that. If you want to take the quiz, do so. Maybe it'll inspire you to participate in What I Learned Wednesday. ;) I definitely have a lot to learn so at least I'll always have material for this link up. :D

2) This is what I've doing (faith related) since NYE: I've been trying to catch up on the Catechism in a Year emails (currently in early-mid December). Besides that, I've been thinking about writing a post about Hispanic superstitions and how some try to merge that with Catholic beliefs. I am well aware that other cultures have similar problems but, since I'm Hispanic, I wanted to write what I've seen and experienced myself. I had a hard time trying to figure out which NYE traditions were fun and which were actually bordering on dangerously superstitious. Hopefully, when I have the time, I'll really get into it.

3) This video pretty much sums up the "ordain womyn priests now" battle cry I heard at my CINO college the two years I was there. And, yes, I cringed and faithpalmed the entire time I watched it. I almost didn't make it through the entire thing. In case you're wondering, this is not a parody.



Did anyone survive that? *shudders*

Anyway, I have a ton of things so... away I go. :) If you want to participate and make your own What I Learned Wednesday post/tweet (which, for the tl;dr crowd, means writing about something -- no matter how big or small, short or long, tweet or blog post -- that you learned about the Faith this past week), here's the link up picture that Beth Anne created (if you wish you use it).

Image courtesy of Naypong / http://www.freedigitalphotos.net

I've extended WILW until tomorrow night because of how late I posted it today. :) And don't forget to tag it #WILW if you share it on twitter and to link it on this blog post, below the signature. :D

OH! And don't forget to send me your prayer requests! :D

Hope everyone is having a week thus far. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless. :D

Happy New Year!; Mass and a New Patron Saint

Happy New Year, y'all! I hope every single one of you has an amazing, blessed year. :D

I don't know how y'all celebrated the start of the new year (in the Gregorian calendar) but mine was fun/funny. Since mom had to go to work (and I had to get up at 4 in the morning to take her to work), we didn't plan anything. Instead, I spent the last two hours of 2012 chatting with one of my closest friends on Google Hangout. At midnight we toasted with tea and then watched my mom go nuts with bell ringing. lol. It was a lot funnier than it sounds and we spent the first half hour of the year laughing. :D

For the first time ever, I made it to Mass for the Solemnity of Mary, Mother of God. You read that right -- first time ever. Every year since my reversion, I'd either been sick or I didn't have a ride to Mass (and the weather was too horrid to walk to the nearest parish). And, okay, I didn't make it through the entire Mass (anxiety has not been kind to me today and I blame my stomach for that) but I stuck it out for as long as it could. The fact that I went to a Spanish Mass by myself was big for me. I usually don't like doing things outside my comfort level by myself (again, stems back to bad memories that trigger anxiety) so I'm pretty proud of myself for trying. I would have made it through the entire thing if my stomach hadn't decided to start giving me the "pay attention to me now or face your doom" symptoms I get sometimes. I tried to ignore them, which only aggravated the anxiety and, well, you can guess the rest. I cried as I left but I was so happy for the first half hour-ish that I was there. I made it through the homily (which was fantastic; kudos to Fr. Quintero for focusing on the importance of mothers, the Mother of God, and how wonderful God is for giving us all His mother and our own earthly mothers) which is a small victory in my book. This was also my first time attending Mass since before Advent, which tells you how bad my stomach has been lately. Still, like I said, small victory and a baby step to once again attending Mass as often as possible. :D

Oh, and if you've noticed, the winner of the patron saint poll was Mary, Undoer of Knots. I thought it was appropriate, considering that it is her day. :D I was first introduced to her by Clare (who is one of my personal heroes; this gal is fantastic) of Come Further Up but school and other things came up so nada. I have been wanting to learn more about her (as well as pray her unfailing novena) for quite some time and now I have a good excuse to. :)

For those of you who don't know about Mary, Undoer of Knots, here's a good description I found at the blog Praying for Grace: "The title is inspired by Saint Irenaeus (Bishop of Lyon and martyred in 202), who made a comparison between Eve and Mary, saying: "Eve, by her disobedience, tied the knot of disgrace for the human race; whereas Mary, by her obedience, undid it." From the meditation, an unknown artist painted a much-venerated painting which hangs in St. Peter church in Perlach, Germany. The knots that Mary undoes are all of the problems that we take to her -- worries for our children, trials in our marriages, our struggles with the world. It is a beautiful visual to imagine Our Holy Mother untying the knots in which we become tangled in our daily lives." I'm going to start a novena today (and do it once a month) so if you have any requests, let me know!

Anyway, I want to relax for the rest of the day (to see if the anxiety goes down a bit) so that is it for now. I hope y'all had a great time ringing in the new year and that this year is so much better than the last. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D