Missing Mass = Terrible Catholic?

I'm trying to get my mind off of how uncomfortable all the tape from the heart holster feels on my ribcage so... new blog post for y'all! lol.

Another weekend came and went and still no Mass for me.  That makes it 6 weeks in a row, a new record for me. Siiigh. I can't begin to describe how lousy and uncomfortable I feel missing Mass. I didn't feel right yesterday. I drove to our usual grocery store get food a couple of hours before the last Mass but I wasn't feeling that great in that short drive. As soon as it started drizzling again, I knew it wasn't going to happen. I was disappointed in myself and in general. Yes, I know, I have excuses because I've been too lightheaded to drive by myself which puts me and others at risk. Yes, I know two of those weekends were spent in bed. Still, sometimes I feel like I don't try hard enough.

I've had more than one priest tell me that I'm too hard on myself but sometimes I feel like I don't try hard enough. I'm the only one in this household who drives. Our neighbors either don't go to Mass or they go at different times and we can't catch them in time to tag along. Public transportation while lightheaded makes me even more nervous due to past experiences where I've felt like nearly passing out. Taxi and Uber can be costly round-trip. a parish priest at the nearest church has been known to use incense often which isn't bad except the last two times I've felt like I couldn't breathe and got more lightheaded. The majority of other nearby parishes don't have Mass past noon which stinks because sometimes the lightheadedness gets better later in the day. What else am I missing that I can do?

Sometimes I wonder if the lightheadedness is a weak excuse to not drive to Mass. I've been told, more than once, it's dangerous so I tend to not drive when I'm really lightheaded. I know it's caused by the low red blood count (anemia) as well as the low folate level. I can't kneel at Mass for more than a couple of seconds for the same reason (blood doesn't circulate as well as it could). Are these excuses enough? Or am I just using the excuses to not try harder?

I guess I'm wondering about this because the sting of the last confession with my former spiritual director still lingers. Last night I had the thought that perhaps he's right; perhaps I don't have what it takes to be a faithful Catholic. I can't even make it to Mass, how can I call myself a faithful Catholic when I'm missing a huge part of what is required of us? I also thought about how I can keep praying and asking for health issues to get resolved when I can't even go to Mass for God. Am I just a really terrible Catholic? For the record, these thoughts didn't linger but it did plant a seed of uneasy in me.

Anyway, I'm writing this to keep myself accountable. I don't want to make this "No Mass" streak any longer. I have been eating better and taking folic acid more frequently (when I don't forget it... or it gets put away by someone who is not me) so I hope that it'll help with the lightheadedness. If anyone has any tips, please send them my way!

Tomorrow, the 54-day Rosary novena begins. I'm excited about all the people who have signed up to get reminders! Last time we had no more than 5-6 so nearly 20 people (that I know of, anyway) this time around is huge. You can always join in, even if you don't let me know. ;)

Alright, the trick-or-treaters are starting to come out so I'm going to go hide. If there's a Grinch-equivalent for Halloween, I'm totally one. I've never liked Halloween, even as a child. Talk to me about All Saints' Day and All Souls' Day and you'll find yourself an excited camper. ;)

I hope y'all have a lovely, safe night (especially those going out) and had a lovely weekend! :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Quick Reminder: 54-day Rosary Novena

Just a quick reminder for those of you who are doing the 54-day Rosary novena with us starting Tuesday, November 1st (All Saints' Day): if you want me to remind you, please let me know by tomorrow night. I'm getting a second 24-hour heart holster fitted on Monday and I have a lot of coursework to do between tonight (been working on this stuff for a couple of days now) through Monday night so I want to make sure I have everyone's names written down on my list for Tuesday morning.

I hope to remind everyone around the same time every day. I'll schedule it on the FB page but it'll vary on Twitter since my next two weeks are filled with a lot of work. Can you say "second half of the semester rush"? I'll aim for the morning but might be in the afternoon at times. Just a warning.

Alright, that's it for now. I need to go back and try not to virtually shin kick my classmates in one of the three group projects I'm working on this semester. I don't have any problems with anyone in any other group except with one. Goodness me... may the Lord give me patience while dealing with these women. lol.

I hope y'all are having a lovely weekend thus far. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

In Sickness and In Health?

Tiny violin. Get it? lol.

I'm just going to say it: sometimes I worry that no man will want to marry me because of all the health issues I've been through in recent years. There. I said it. It's out in the open.

If you're wondering what prompted this blog post and admission, it's been a number of things. The combination of reading vocation stories, having my own (future) vocation reaffirmed, and the fact that I've finally stopped making excuses to avoid dating and being open to dating has all been building up over the past couple of months.

"If you're worried about not finding someone who will want to be with you while you're sick, why even date?" Why go to school? Why get up in the morning? Why make plans? All for the same reason: I'm very optimistic that I'll get healthier before I know it. Why do I keep studying even though the medical conditions I have right now (which are reversible, thank goodness) make it difficult to memorize and concentrate? Again, because I don't plan on being sick forever. Furthermore, I don't want to stay stagnant. I feel like I've wasted so many years of my life just staying in the same place, not moving forward, because I let the obstacles that are in my way give me an excuse to be selfish and put a pause on things. I'm tired of doing that so forward I must go.

"If you're sure about your vocation, why are you worried about not finding someone?" Because I'm human. I worry about things I have no control over because that's how I am. My poor father (may he rest in peace) worried about everything and he was superstitious as a result so guess who I learned those terrible habits from. I try to stay positive but sometimes I get overwhelmed and these thoughts pop into my mind. I worry that I discern my vocation wrong and maybe this is all a sign that I'm meant to stay single. You hear that? That's 4 years of being sick without relief. If it's not one thing, it's another.

"But you have to trust God." Who says I don't? I trust God. I definitely don't do a good job at it 24/7 but I try. I'm learning to trust that He will send relief if it's His will. If not, I pray (and trust) that He will send me the courage to endure it. Do you trust God 24/7? Truly and honestly, 100% of the time? Let's be honest, we all have our moments in which trusting God is hard. Maybe not with health issues but financial, familial, career, etc? We've all had our moments. It doesn't mean that we love Him any less, it just means that we have a lot to work on.

One of the reoccurring thoughts that has kept popping up in my mind lately has been "this is all a test of trust." Whether I'm right or wrong, only God knows but I feel like it may be. I say I trust Him, but do I trust Him enough? Nope. It's become so obvious that I don't. This has been heightened with my recent health issues. New symptom? Worry. Heart rate slowing down, taking sharp drops while I sleep? Panic. Often, the "this is all a test of trust" light will flicker on, helping me to relax and not fall into the spiral of self-predicting doom. I'm getting better at it but I still have a long way to go.

I'll be the first to admit that I didn't grow up surrounded by happy marriages. Most women who talked to me and gave me "man advice" growing up were bitter and jaded for one reason or another. One reason I heard was because either the woman got sick and the man left or vice versa. Most of their advice was to establish a career that I could fall back on in case the man I married was a deadbeat who would eventually abandon me for someone else... because "most men are like that." No joke. I heard that advice about 95% of the time when someone older talked to me about getting married in the future. In fact, I still hear it though now it's accompanied by "oh, but you're 31 now. You're educated. You'll be fine either way." Sometimes I feel like they want to add that I'm too sick to even think about it... or have one huge stipulation (that I stay close to my mother since her memory is slowly failing as she gets older) that will make things impossible in the marriage department.

If you're wondering why I'm so open about this and why I'm doing it on such a public forum: because we don't read about it. Ever. In my nearly 10 years as a blogger and blog reader, I've never seen another blogger -- Catholic or otherwise -- talk about their fears regarding their vocation as a future spouse. Maybe I'm the only one that feels like this way but I have a feeling there are others out there who have similar thoughts. Maybe not health issues but another cross that they worry no one will want to help them carry. I'm not ashamed of what I've written because it's my reality. I write what I feel, even if it's not pretty and/or occasionally pessimistic.

Don't worry, I'm not a regular Marvin, the Paranoid Android. I'm not pessimistic all the time. In fact, most of the time I'm quite optimistic about the future and things in general. Still, I have my occasional moments of doubt. I'm sharing what usually goes on in my mind during those moments because I have a doctor's appointment (which is coming up at 6:30 p.m. PST) today and I wanted to blog so this topic came to mind.

That's all I have to say about this topic for now. Just putting it out there. I'm sure my close friends will now keep reminding me that I'm being silly, which is fine. :)

I hope my next post (tomorrow, maybe?) will be much happier. I'm off of social media for the week. I hope. We'll see. I am weak when it comes to posting updates. No, sharing links directly from Catholic websites onto Twitter does not count; I mean actual "I'm bored; this is what's going on with me" posts. ;)

Anyway, I'm going to try to walk around my apartment because I don't want to fall asleep less than an hour before I have to leave for my appointment. Did I mention I only got a little more than 4.5 hours of sleep last night/this morning? Yep. I need to talk to the doctor this evening (not my regular doctor as far as I know) about not being able to fall asleep. Hopefully, that'll help keep me alert for a little while. Don't worry, my mother is coming with me to the appointment so I won't be driving by myself. Yes, I'll also try to avoid heavy traffic by using side streets. :)

I hope y'all had a lovely weekend and have a great start of week!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

54-day Rosary Novena: Who Wants to Join?

I've been thinking of doing the 54-day Rosary novena for several weeks now. With everything that's been going on with me (health-wise) and everything going on with Mom at her work (read: mental and emotional abuse), I thought it was time to do this novena. I've had the "everything that can go wrong, will go wrong" experience the last 3-4 times I've done the novena so I've always thought twice about doing it again. The last time we did it wasn't as bad possibly because we had a large number of people doing it, including a priest.

I kept going back and forth on doing it until I read the article that Tiffany wrote on Catholic Mom about the benefits of doing this novena to prepare for Advent. That's when I took it as a sign to do it. I'd read somewhere (I can't remember exactly where) that it was a good idea to start the novena on All Saints' Day ending on Christmas Eve since it was exactly 54 days.

Over a week ago, I posted a message on this blog's Facebook Page, asking if anyone else would be interested in doing the novena as well. I was not expecting more than one or two responses but was glad to see so many people wanting to participate in it. :) I then posted the link on Twitter and more people jumped on board.

This is an open invitation to anyone who wants to join in praying this novena. You can pray it for any intention you may have or you can ask others for their intentions if you don't have a big one yourself. You can do this novena using either the original format or the modified version which includes the Luminous Mysteries. I've only done it using the Luminous Mysteries in previous novenas but I may try the original format this time around. This website has both versions so you can choose which version you'd like to do.

"I'm interested in doing it but I'm terrible at remembering novenas days..." you may be saying to yourself. That is no problem. If you need a reminder, I will happily send it to your way. Just let me know which way you'd prefer to be contacted (getting tagged on a Twitter tweet, through the Facebook page, or via an email) and I'll send the daily reminder. I'll include what day we're on for both original and modified versions of the novena so you don't have to worry about getting the days mixed up.

For those who have heard horror stories about what can and has happened during the novena ("everything that can go wrong, will go wrong"), I want to reassure you that it doesn't happen to everyone. Yes, I've experienced it myself for each novena but other people who've prayed the novena with me have had no negative experiences. I can also attest that the rewards greatly outweigh any incidents that may happen during the novena. This is a very powerful novena and I highly recommend it if you have big, heavy intentions. Trust God, pray the St. Michael Archangel prayer, and try not to think about anything but the graces you may receive during the novena. :)

Again, the novena begins on November 1st and ends on December 24th. If you're interested in doing the novena please let me know (or remind me again) before October 31st so I can keep track of the people partaking in it on my prayer journal. If you want to bail on the novena at some point for whatever reason, don't worry about it; just let me know so I won't send you reminders. :)

Alright... so, who's in?

A Welcomed Distraction

Yesterday I went on an outing/field trip with a group of like-minded young Catholics. (side note: when I say "young" I mean 18-36 year-olds.) It was the first time I've ever been able to make it to such an outing since my plans to be involved with youth ministry at my current parish never came to fruition no matter what I did or how hard I tried. I was very excited about this meet-up because I knew that I could geek out on Catholic things and I wouldn't have anyone give me a funny look over it.

Before I go on about why this outing was just what I needed, I want to share what happened the day before. On Friday I had received some unpleasant health news. My red blood count had lowered. My white blood count had completely tanked, most likely due to the stress I've been under as well as the low folate level. Speaking of that, my folate level has gotten worse. My calcium and iron levels are the same, though on the low side. I've gained back 2 of the 6 pounds I'd lost due to the stress from school and health issues. My kidneys are in good shape now and my platelets have gone up as well so not all was bad. Still, I was upset at how low the other levels were. I talked to some friends that night and got my thoughts sorted out before I was able to feel okay about my situation. I know that my mother's prayers also helped; she told me she prayed for me after she saw how sad I'd gotten over my blood work results. I briefly considered backing out on the outing for Saturday but I'm glad I didn't because it helped me forget about my problems for a couple of hours.

I admit that I was nervous as I drove to our meeting place (the San Fernando Mission) because I knew no one in the group. I hadn't known that this group even existed until earlier this month because I'm not an active member of this particular parish. After I heard about it and the events they planned, I was interested and decided to become a member. My heart raced and it actually got up to about 124 (according to my FitBit) at one point -- most likely from the nerves -- while I was with the group. Thankfully everyone was great and after some initial awkwardness, I was able to relax and talk to them as I would with friends. As the time passed by and I got more comfortable with them, my heart rate went down a bit and I was able to enjoy the outing.

We walked around the Mission as a group of 6 -- which later became a group of 9 -- with the group often splitting into smaller groups. The weather was perfect and the group members were so lovely and welcoming, making it a thoroughly enjoyable day. We visited the Bob Hope Garden (where Bob Hope and his wife, Dolores, are buried). A couple of us loved seeing the old (think 1500s-1700s) books. I was actually excited to have other people excited to see these books besides myself. lol. We saw two quinceañeras (sweet 15) arrive at the main chapel and I was glad to share my knowledge of them since I was the only Hispanic in the group (until the priest that accompanied the group arrived).

After we walked around, exploring the Mission, the priest who was meeting up with us arrived. We were supposed to have the Latin Mass celebrated at a smaller chapel on the grounds (one I've never been to) but that ended up being quashed (long story) so instead we all prayed the Rosary together. At that point, the group got a little bigger. Those who didn't have Rosary beads with them were able to borrow them from others. All of us gals wore our chapel veils. Everyone knelt, though, admittedly, I didn't last too long before I had to sit because I've been known to feel faint if I kneel for a long period of time when I'm not 100% healthy and I didn't want to ruin anyone's time at the Mission. It was a beautiful and peaceful experience. Before the priest left and the group broke up for the day, we prayed the Angelus which was a first for me; I've never prayed the Angelus before.

I must've looked happy after the outing because my mom had a huge grin and agreed to go to the Latin Mass at the parish where the young adult group is based. Since Mom and I like our Masses solemn, it makes sense for us to go to the Latin Mass. Not only that, I was thinking that maybe this has been in God's plans for us for a while now.

We've had a couple of incidents at our current parish -- with both parishioners and a priest -- that have made us feel either unwelcome, unnerved, or like it's no longer the right fit for us. Over the past year (almost to the day), things have been unraveling and both Mom and I have agreed that it's time for us to move on to a different parish. Our current parish has been our "home" for nearly 4 and a half years. We have wonderful memories but I feel like God may be pointing us elsewhere. We're going to try the new parish and see if it's the right fit for us. We shall see. :)

Anyway, this is my contribution for the week. I've been wanting to write more lately (and I have something to share that has been discussed on the Facebook Page for this blog) but time management has not been my strong suit this past week. I only have time to write this today -- Sunday -- because I take my "day of rest" seriously. Otherwise, I would be studying and/or doing homework right now. So much homework. Hopefully, things will slow down after this week's next round of exams and I can begin to write more often. Fingers crossed.

To those who've continued to pray for me, thank you! I've felt more at peace lately and I know it's been your prayers that have helped. My health may not be at 100% (and has gotten slightly worse since last month) but I know that between your prayers, my own efforts, and God's will, something good will come out of all of this. :D

I hope y'all had a lovely weekend!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D