Clean-A-Thon Update

Just a little update to let y'all know that while I am doing the clean-a-thon (which usually goes until the last day of the year) I won't be posting full length posts. Instead, I am going to be writing little blurbs of random thoughts. The end of year review WILL be posted in full length since I wrote it a week ago. I plan ahead. ;)

Please say a little prayer for me as my father was a hoarder (no, seriously... you should see his old room) and I am feeling under the weather and have to do most of the cleaning myself while my mom works. Thanks in advance. :D

Feeling God's Love Despite Food Poisoning and Attacks

The reason why there were no posts the 24th or yesterday were because I spent the night of the 24th into the 25th, most of yesterday, and part of today in bed with food poisoning. A neighbor made these really delicious tamales but, of course, they made me sick. I felt absolutely horrid yesterday so that is why I didn't get a chance to post the last two blog posts I had planned. I started one on the 24th but I fear the information is now irrelevant so I decided not to post it. Basically, it was about the Christmas traditions we were going to have yesterday but since none of them happened... well. You got it. :) Ah, well. Que sera, sera.

I didn't attend Mass yesterday because of how badly I felt. I think I felt worse that this was the 5th consecutive Christmas (since my reversion) that I hadn't gone to Mass. The first three years I couldn't attend because I had major anxiety and I could barely leave the house (yes, it was that bad). I was sick last year too (a combo of anxiety and something else). I couldn't have gone though; not in the state I was in yesterday. If I wasn't lying down, I was in trouble... and even when I was lying down I felt sick. I'm actually still experiencing a bit of stomach cramping as I type this out but I'll be fine. :) It's sad though. Something always gets in the way of Christmas Mass. :( One day it'll happen. :)

On the bright side, though I've been attacked lately (more on that in the paragraphs after this one), I felt (and still feel) God's love throughout the whole thing and that's the wonderful thing about Christmas. You may be in the crummiest situation but you know that things will still get better because God wants what's best for you. Whether you're sick, you get your heart broken, or are financially strapped, you know that God will pull you out of it at some point. Isn't that what Advent and Christmas are about? Focusing on the hope, the love, the joy, and the peace that comes with the birth of Christ. Because he was born, we know that knowing is impossible where God is concerned.

It's kind of funny that I feel like I've been experiencing spiritual attacks for the past couple of weeks yet I still feel this way. Apart from the food poisoning, the personal attacks, the number of nightmares I've had all Advent in which I find myself battling against the evil one (and in one of them, he laughed in my face until I started praying a Hail Mary and then he got mad) and all of that, I still feel God's love. My worst weaknesses, which make me most prone to sin (which I haven't given into), have been attacked as well. Think of your weaknesses and multiply them by about 50 and you have my situation. This is not unusual for me; I usually experience this during Advent and Lent but, still, not happy. I am already in need of confession because I lost my temper recently but it could've been worse. Much worse. Side note: By the way, I am not being scrupulous when I say I need to go to confession for this particular thing -- though I was certainly accused of it on Christmas Eve. I know my faults and my weaknesses and I know that certain things, though they may not seem "so bad" to some people, I need to confess on the urging of my confessor so that I can be more aware of it in the future (and thus avoid it if I am able to).

Oh, and by the way, I do share some pretty personal things on this blog but it's all been things I've felt like sharing. Before I get more into this I'd like to say: wow, I cannot believe this blog is 4 years old as of yesterday. I got the idea on Christmas Day 2007 to open this blog a year into my reversion to sort of keep track of how I was doing. The topics and my style of writing has changed from the early days. It's been nice to be able to go back and read the first couple of posts. I was so different back then. I really did not know what I was doing but I tried. I still don't know what I'm doing but that's okay. lol. My first readers were my best friends. Now I have readers I don't personally know from all over the world (I think I've reached all continents, except Antarctica, at this point) but whom I now consider part of my little online world. :)

For the past couple of weeks I've been wanting to take this blog in a slightly different direction: have it be a little more faith based. It's going to be one of my New Year's Resolutions. I want to get back on track of my original purpose. I think some of you have noticed what I'm talking about, especially with the last couple of posts. Things will be and look slightly different come January 1st. That's all I'm saying. Y'all will just have to stay tuned and see what I mean. ;)

Okay, going back to what I was saying: like I said in my failure post, I make a lot of mistakes and if a mistake of mine can help someone else avoid making that mistake, then I am fulfilling the whole reason why I even started this blog in the first place. Up to that point, I didn't know of any other blog that had any sort of personal stories about having anxiety/panic attacks and having it tied with Catholicism or faith in general. A lot of my early posts were about this topic (the St. Dymphna post remains one of most viewed to date). My anxiety is no longer as bad as it was then (though I know it's going to be a lifelong affliction I will have to deal with) so the posts aren't as frequent. My life at the moment is about school and how my mistake in choosing the CINO college is affecting me. I'm sure if I'm still blogging when I get married and have my children I will write about that.

I've always wanted to write things that other people wouldn't necessarily feel comfortable writing to show others that if they're going through the same thing, they're not alone. My anxiety posts introduced a lot of people to St. Dymphna and I am so happy that God used me to help them in some way. I've had two people tell me they sought help for their anxiety (one ended up being thyroid related and other other got counseling) and that is the reason why I started blogging. How many of us have felt alone when we thought we were the only ones going through something? How many of us felt despair during those times? No one wants to talk about suffering anxiety because of stigma attached to it but I didn't care as long as it helped at least one more person. Likewise, I write about stuff I stink at and things I learn from mistakes I make because I want to show that it's possible to be completely flawed but still have an ardent love for life and for God. As I wrote on my Google Talk status yesterday: the love between God and I is something that nothing will be able to damage, no matter what dumb I thing. He's going to love me no matter what and I'm going to try to live my life in a way that shows that I love Him too.

As I've mentioned before, I don't share everything because I feel like there are certain parts of my life that should be kept between myself, the other person, and God. By this I mean, I will very rarely talk about my own relationship stuff because I'm notoriously private about it. There's even a running joke between my closest friends that I will probably marry and have children and people won't find out about it until my children are grown. lol. There are a number of other topics that are off-limits so please don't be offended if you tweet, comment, or email me a question and I don't want to answer. It's not personal against you, I'm just not comfortable talking about it.

Also, please don't so negative and hurtful with some of your comments. You might be having a rough day or something but please don't take it out on me. I was personally attacked twice on Christmas Eve for something I shared and it wasn't too pleasant. I feel like we should stop judging each other (especially when we don't have all the facts to make those judgments with) and really support one another because no one is perfect and we all undoubtedly mess up from time to time. There is no reason why, during one of the most special times of the year that should be filled with love and happiness, we should feel like it's okay to be so negative towards each other. Hugs, not hate, people. :)

Okay, and now this blog post is longer than intended. I'm sorry. lol. That is what happens when you're in bed for almost 48 hours. :)

Anyway, I hope y'all had a wonderful Christmas full of love, warmth, and all that goodness that makes these days special. :D Oh, and please don't forget to vote for the patron saint for 2012. There are only 3 full days left to vote so please get 'em in. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless! :D

Ooh, My CINO College Is in Trouble...

"Finally!" I know. lol. The reason why I waited so long to write this post is because I wanted a) get my final grades for the semester before I posted (3.8 for the semester, baby!) and b) I was so disappointed with what I "learned" and I didn't want to write a post full of rants. I hope to be as diplomatic as possible when I write this but... fair warning, we all know how much I do not like my CINO (Catholic In Name Only) College.

First off, let me say that I am not going to expose my school by giving name of it or of the professors because I want to graduate next May (lol) and I've heard that they are "sue happy" and they've already sued a former student for "slander." Yes, I wrote slander in quotes because it really isn't... and they know it. You see the title? Yeah, I've had three separate confirmations from professors (both within the department of my major and outside the department) that they actually don't teach what they're supposed to. One professor said that all professors in Catholic colleges sign something (very vague) that says that they're not supposed to teach liberation theology... but they still do. This professor acknowledged that they would get into trouble if others found out what was being "taught." Another professor confirmed that what they "teach" is liberation theology but they try to find ways to call it something else so that they won't get discovered (something I also got from my confessor -- who is not affiliated with the school -- when I mentioned it). Yup. They don't seem to care that we know these things because they pride themselves in it and because a lot of my classmates agree with me. Most do but there are some of us (a very, very, very small portion of us) who are so excited to be graduating in a little over 4 months because we are not happy.

This semester I was lucky enough to have only two classes that were Religious but they were... interesting. In one we had the odd lectures that were surprisingly orthodox (though I suspect that was for my sake as it is well known in the department that I am "traditional" one). It was not as bad as some of my previous courses but you could tell that they were really pushing the liberal agenda at us because all but one of us were seniors and we're graduating in May. I made a new friend in the class whom I suffered with. She has it well hidden that she's orthodox because it's kind of dangerous to be known as not being in agreement with the liberalism, but we definitely had a chance to talk when we were just so disappointed in what was being taught. The other class had some blatant anti-Catholic literature that made me want to cry. I actually think I did cry once. It was so bad.

I recently found out that my school has also aligned itself with a very well known politician that is pro-abortion and pro a bunch of things that are against Catholic beliefs. Um, yeah. My school's in trouble alright. Not in the "ooh, I'm telling and then y'all can sue me" way but... the school is in danger of getting worse and being responsible for misguiding so many young men and women that attend it. I would love to go back one day and become a professor so that I can teach what is the Truth. I probably wouldn't last long (a professor already left because they did not want her to teach certain things) but I would try my hardest to change things.

This is one of the biggest reasons why I majored in Religious Studies and why I want to teach. I want to help however many people I know that all of that will actually end up hurting them in the long run. It's no longer me being rebellious against them and being so "loud and proud" of being "traditional" (I don't even like using that term but they use it); it's about saving these kids. I've seen so many of my classmates go in with the right mindset and then come out (one short semester later) renouncing what proper Catholic education they were given prior to attending this school. It's so sad to see this and I try to speak up as much as I can but since I'm only a "student" and I "don't know better than they do; I'm wrong, they're right," I don't get taken seriously by many of my classmates. I do help some but I sadly cannot help them all.

I sincerely wish that my school gets its act together or that they formally drop the "Catholic" from their description because we're not taught Catholicism properly. Most of the time in Religious Studies classes, we don't even get much Catholicism. The Ex corde Ecclesiae (which one of my professors didn't name but I learned about on my own) is not being followed. Why should a school, whose professors blatantly trash the Pope, priests and the Church's teachings, get to keep a Catholic identity when it's anything but? I don't get it. It's like false advertisement. If I'd known all of this way before I committed myself to finishing my degree at this school, I would've gone else.

While I no longer get graded down for my assignments (I'm pretty sure they know I'd do something if they continued doing it), I'm still not happy. It it well known that I am public enemy #1 of the department. I'm sort of infamous at the moment for this. I'm known as "that super religious girl." lol. So people know I have a blog (because a "friend" exposed me as a blogger) but they don't know which one it is or my pen name. (Though, after I receive my diploma, that will change.) I don't like trouble but I'm not going to back down when I see or hear the Church being trashed. It's not right. I love God and I love the Church so much that it hurts me when they speak falsehoods against Him and her. I do have a little over 4 months to go (and that is if they approve my Thesis, which I've already been warned that I could "bomb" thus keeping me from graduating) so... lots and lots of prayers from now until early May.

Anyway, that's my recap of the penultimate semester at my CINO college. I did not write a list of things I was "taught" this semester because I would've started ranting about it. I may one day write everything down but at the moment, I'm just letting my prison sentence... er, I mean, my last couple of months pass before I can give me final evaluation of my "education" at this school. Now I just need your prayers because my Thesis is going to be a battle. They already want me to change things to fit their liberal views but I'm stubborn and it's my Thesis so... not going to happen. Sorry. ;) I hope that those of you at other CINO colleges know that you are not alone and that I will be praying for y'all because I know how much this situation stinks.

That's all for now. I will have posts earlier tomorrow and on Christmas day (which is also the 4th anniversary of this blog.) Oh, and, P.S. don't forget to vote for the patron saint of 2012 (the poll is on the right hand side). You may vote for however many saints you'd like. Right now St. Catherine of Siena and St. Teresa of Avila are in the lead and Mary, Undoer of Knots is only (as of this point) one vote behind. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless. :D

This is Why I Love My New Church.

Okay, so, technically it's a chapel of ease. There are no Masses during the week but that's okay, I can always go to a closer parish for that. On Sundays there are only two Masses that are celebrated, both in the morning.

There are two priests: one (in his 70s-80s) who celebrates the first Mass and another (in his late 30s-early 40s) who celebrates the second Mass. I have never heard two other priests give homilies like they do. It's relevant and they aren't afraid to talk about topics that other priests wouldn't dare mention. They are honest yet approachable and charismatic.

This chapel has been in existence since the late 1700s. The altar has remainded unchanged for goodness knows how long. It is absolutely beautiful. It is very small but it feels more open than most other parishes I've attended.

The average age of those who attend is about 60. There are very few of us who are under 30. The children that attend with the parents are well behaved and when a meltdown begins, the parent quietly steps out with the child. More women wear mantillas than I could ever imagine in a single church. Most of the mantillas wearers are in their late teens to late 20s. No one is ever dressed inappropriately (read: miniskirts or other things that expose too much flesh). Have I mentioned that the altar boys are actually altar boys? They range from elementary school age to late teens/early 20s.

Everyone is genuinely attentive and active during the Mass. Never have I attended a parish in which everyone sings... loudly and joyfully. Even if it's off key, no one notices because we're all too focus on being there for God. When the organist starts playing and the beautiful music envelops the church, there is a sensation of happiness and openness that my heart begins to feel. Some people still mess up the "with your spirit" parts but we all smile and continue on. When the priest delivers the homily you can hear a pin drop. When you walk in or walk out, you get a smile and a handshake from one of the ushers.

There is no clapping (see the post picture) or anything that takes away from the Mass. Everything is done with reverence. Never, in the past month and a half that I've attended, have I ever felt that I am not there for God. It's not about us (which is how I've felt at most parishes; it's more about the people than God); it's about Him. It is about hearing the Word and taking it into our hearts. There are little to no distractions during the Mass and it makes it that much better.

Here is the thing that I best love about my new church: despite it being for the cremé de la cremé of those living in my part of Los Angeles, you don't feel it. There is no pretentiousness. Yes, they dress nicely and drive nice cars, but if you're not materially rich, you don't feel ostracized. I had no idea that some of the (economically) wealthiest people in L.A. attended Mass at this church until one of my Godmothers brought it up. Total shocker when I first heard it. Unlike some parishes where you feel like you get criticized for the smallest things or even given dirty looks if they deemed you unworthy (seriously, I've felt this on more than one occasion), all you feel is a sense that they've embraced you into their little tight-knit community. And, again, it's not about you or them... it's about getting together and focusing on God. He is the reason why we get together every Sunday morning.

Anyway, I just wanted to share these random thoughts that I've been having the past couple of Sundays. I've never felt so comfortable, at home, and at peace during a Mass as I have at this church. Thank God that mom and I not only agreed on a parish we both liked, but that we also look forward to every Sunday morning. :)

btw, yes and no, this was and was not a filler post. I would've posted it yesterday but I got preoccupied with something else. :) The CINO post is still a work in progress as I'm trying to be as diplomatic and uncritical as possible. It's hard but it can be done. :D

I hope you all had a great weekend and are having a great beginning of week. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless! :D

Please Pray for a Fellow Blogger and Her Baby

I came across the link to this blog post by Christine at Our Ordinary Life through twitter retweets. I didn't make it through half way before I started crying. I cannot imagine what Christine, her husband, and baby Sly are going through right now. The poor little angel needs our prayers because he is going to have a long recovery ahead of him.

I'm personally going to start a novena to the Infant of Prague for baby Sly if anyone wants to join me. Little man's Christmas will be spend in the hospital and the gift we can give him and his parents is that of prayer. I don't personally know any of them but it pains me to see children suffer.

Please keep them in your prayers!