Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Rosary in the E.R., Panic in Mass, Novel, and The Miracle of Our Lady of Fatima.

Where to begin? So much has gone on since the last blog (hence the long gap between blogs) that I don't even know where to begin. I guess I should start with more recent things and work my way back a bit.

Yesterday, on one of my favorite unofficial holidays (April Fool's), I was taken to the E.R. because they wouldn't see me at my regular doctor's. It was so dumb! They said I had to go to the emergency room because I couldn't breathe and haven't been able to for about a week. I have a feeling it's allergies but they didn't want to take a chance. So I was there for 13 hours (from 3 p.m. until 4:15 a.m. the next day) for them to tell me it is anxiety attack. Okay, so... if it's an anxiety attack, why do I have it 24/7 (yes, all day, all the time)? Why is my nose a bit stuffy? Why am I a bit fatigued? Why do I feel like I'm going to cough? Obviously, the allergy symptoms must mean I have been having a week long anxiety attack. (And, I must apologize for that bit of sarcasm). I'm just really upset that they made me wait for that long, and they didn't even check me properly. They did two EKGs and chest x-rays to make sure it wasn't a heart attack. I mentioned to the doctor that I thought it was allergies and wanted a test and he basically ignored me and said it was all anxiety. Ugh. That is one thing I will always worry about -- doctors using my anxiety as a cop-out to not properly check me. That's what they have been doing lately, too. That's why my therapist is going to talk to my doctor, to get me tested for different things including allergies, so they can honestly rule those things out and say that it is anxiety. It's totally horrible to feel like everyone thinks you're making things up in your mind once they find out you have anxiety. It's absolutely frustrating. I cursed a bit while in the E.R. (words that have been foreign from my vocabulary somehow found their way out of my mouth), I unintentionally said God's name in vain and I just felt horrible that those things had come out of my mouth. Ugh. I pray to God that if I ever have to go back to that hospital, that I am seen by someone else and get through quicker because the entire experience sucked.

Another thing that upset me -- they gave me a pregnancy test (without me knowing it) even after I'd repeatedly said that there was absolutely no way I could be pregnant. Did they think I was just saying that to be funny? I thought they'd given me the test to see if everything was alright elsewhere and when the doctor said "Well, your pregnancy test came back negative" I was just really ticked off. I even said (pretty bluntly) that there was no way someone who is waiting until marriage (and isn't married) to be pregnant. I was absolutely not happy with how I was treated. This is something I will be talking about in therapy because I still have some issues with everything.

One thing I managed to do, though not too well, was pray and say the rosary in the E.R. waiting room. I was interrupted a couple of times but I tried super hard to concentrate on the Glorious Mysteries and I think I did fairly well considering where I was and what was going on around me. I also owe a big part of keeping somewhat sane in those wee hours of the day to Our Lady of Guadalupe who I prayed to for help because I had started to feel shaky and just horrible. Lack of sleep and lack of food is a dangerous combination for me... especially the lack of food part because I need to eat every couple of hours. I totally thought of St. Jude, St. Dymphna and St. Teresa of Avila while I was there. It really helped me not focus on the really bad things that were happening around me.

Oh man... I just got a pain in my lower right side of my stomach. I actually started getting these stabbing pains in this particular spot yesterday at the E.R. and they come and go at the most random times... like now. It feels like a small knife, or something sharp, is poking you every couple of seconds... it's so horrible. Okay, well... sorry for that little interlude, sometimes I just write as I think.

So, before all of that E.R. madness (the day before, actually) I had some issues with going to Mass. See, every weekend is completely weird because I never know how I will be in terms of anxiety. Easter weekend was amazing because not only was I able to make it through the entire mass, but Fr. Leo congratulated me for making it through the Mass. It was a real feat for me to do it. Last weekend, we had to look for another parish because my parents wanted to go shopping (that is something I will write about in an upcoming blog) and apparently my English Mass was getting in the way of it. So I said, fine, I'd find a parish that offered English Mass closer to where they wanted to go shopping (after me getting really upset about that whole deal). On our way to the parish, I got a massive panic attack. I couldn't breathe because I was stuffed up and then I just felt like I was going to completely stop breathing. (Side note: I've gone through enough panic attacks to distinguish them from other things... which is why I am set that I currently have allergies.) So that prevented me from attending Mass and I was just completely bummed out for the rest of the day. I hate missing Mass because a) it's a mortal sin -- and I know I'm excused because I'm sick but still and b) because I feel like I'm being extremely disrespectful towards God, Jesus, Our Mother (Mary), and everyone else. I am hoping that I will be able to make it through Mass this Sunday... and I can't wait for confessions on Saturday because I feel absolutely horrible having sins hanging over me. I'd been very good about not committing any and then all this crummy stuff happened and there goes my hard work. :(

Okay, no longer dwelling on the bad...

My novel is going a lot better than I expected. It's taken a different (better!) direction and I'm so excited. Hopefully I'll be able to keep the creativity flowing while I can because you never know when the dreaded writer's block will hit. I will say that writing about a member of the opposite sex is quite hard. Though I have 4 older brothers, I didn't grow up with them so I have no idea what it is to live with a young man. I hang out with my guy friends more than I do with my girl friends but each guy is different and I still don't get half of the things they do or what makes them say certain things. I am basing the male lead in the novel on a real life person but I'm making the character quite a bit different than the real life person. The dialog will probably be the hardest thing because I don't want to make him sound too robotic or too "girly" (as a guy friend once called a character I'd written when I was in my teens). The fun challenges of writing a book. :D

Another fun thing... watching The Miracle of Our Lady of Fatima on DVD. I'd had it for a bit at home and I finally watched it a few nights ago. I actually liked it, as did my mom. I read that Sr. Lucia (who saw the apparitions of Our Lady with her cousins) didn't like the film but that's understandable. A fictional character (Hugo) was added. The time line didn't follow the real life one (I believe Sr. Lucia had done her first communion years before the apparitions started and in the film, it happened after the first apparition). Lucia's mother in the DVD was reportedly much nicer than the real life mother, and she didn't believe in the apparitions while the movie one did at the end. It was little things like that that didn't make the film a 100% accurate account but I can't help but still like the film. I thought the actors did a great job. If you're not the kind of person to be bothered with differences, I'd recommend you watch it.

Alright, well it's almost half past midnight and I have an early day later so I should end the blog for now. Hopefully I can write more often this month. :D As always, thanks for reading and God Bless. :D

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