Man, I've had one doozy of a weekend. When I went to confessions yesterday, my heart kept beating as though it was going to jump out of my chest. It calmed down when I confessed but when I went to kneel in front of the tabernacle, it started right up again. I was trying to say the Act of Contrition and then say the amount of prayers Fr. Juan had given me but I just couldn't concentrate. My heart was beating with so much force that the St. Jude medallion (which I wear on a chain) was actually bouncing off my shirt. That's never happened and it was quite scary. I closed my eyes and said "Lord, if this is the work of the enemy trying to keep me from praying, please help me." I managed to calm down and concentrated after that.
Today, I went to Mass by myself (mom's battling a painful toothache and dad simply didn't "feel like going"). I was fine until I started getting these chest pains over my heart. I ignored the first one but when the second and third came I worried and left Mass. They were about to start with the Eucharist too. :( I was seriously scared because the pains burned. I only got about 5 pains before it stopped though. Still, I got home and I cried. After the ordeal I went through last year, I've remained very nervous about my heart. I think (and hope) it was maybe some heartburn or something. I'd eaten some hot (chili) chicken in the morning and then took a nap an hour and a half later. I woke up with my stomach all acid-y so I think that that's what triggered the burning chest pains. I haven't had any pains since, thank goodness. To be honest, I think I cried mostly because I left Mass early. I was scared about the pains but didn't get a panic attack or anything like that. Hopefully I won't get a repeat of it again.
I don't know what's going on but I think I'm definitely in for a fight. I haven't been praying as much as I used to -- either I run out of time or forget. I didn't go to Mass for two weekends (I was sick in bed the first week and had that midterm last Sunday) and confession for 3 weeks. That was also a first. I usually go to confession once a week... or at least once every 2 weeks. It's been that way for nearly 2 years now. I had to leave Mass early the last time I went, and again today. My parents have started refusing to go to Church with me. Oh, I'm definitely in for a battle but I'm not going to give up on these things! At least I'm still having my wonderful dreams.
A few nights ago I had this dream that I was left at the altar, in my wedding dress, by someone I cared about in real life a while ago. Anyway, I was really upset in the dream and then I found this golden crucifix. It somehow appeared in my hand, wrapped in a silk handkerchief. I was so happy to see it that I kissed it because I knew that it was a sign of comfort... and then woke up. I told a friend of mine about this and he said, "Well, maybe the golden Crucifix means that Jesus is always there. Gold is precious, so even though things go to custard, as you could say, Jesus is still there. So Jesus is your treasure." I think he's right. Lately I've been feeling just horrible at home and the lack of communications between my friends and I is starting to take its toll on me. I think that I just have to remember that I'll always have the love of God, and our beautiful Blessed Mother; especially when I don't feel it from anyone else. The dream was definitely a reminder of that... and that's such a comforting thought to have. :D I hope everyone remembers that when they're feeling down.
Alright, well, I have to work on some schoolwork. Yeah, it's a never-ending cycle of critical analysis and research papers. lol. I hope everyone had a great weekend!
As always, thanks for reading and God Bless. :D