A Pope Benedict XVI Dream and Vocation Thoughts

The second part of the Catholicism in tumblr will come next week (asked someone to help me out with it). For now, I want to write something a little different as I want to reflect on the very powerful (well, for me) week that I've had.

If you read my FB page update last week (on the Feast of Our Lady of Fatima), you know I had some very exciting news to share. Over the last couple of days, a few things have changed... but I feel like maybe it was for the best.

First, I know some of you are curious about my Pope Benedict XVI dream (as well as saint dreams). Not sure why people like hearing them but I don't mind sharing. :D Well, basically in the dream I spoke to Pope Benedict XVI three times. First time was inside the Apostolic Palace. There were a lot of people around but I do remember saying something about wanting to live in Vatican City but that I knew I couldn't. The second time I spoke to him, we were all outside in a courtyard with journalist-type people. I'm a bit vague about the details (I should really keep a dream journal, lol) but it was basically about my vocation and how I knew I wasn't meant to be a religious sister. The last time, I was able to talk and walk alone with him. He gave me advice on my vocation (as a lay person who wanted to write) and he mentioned that there was a way that I could live/work in Vatican City as a lay person. He led me through a door when he told me this and then excuse himself as he had to "go back and help the poor and needy." And that was my dream. Not the first Pope Benedict XVI dream (one of my favorites was when I knelt down and he heard my confession/gave me advice and a Rosary/golden crucifix) but it's always pleasant. I would rather dream of the Pope, saints, Our Blessed Mother and Jesus than have other kinds of dreams.

Second, I had other work-related news but I had to rethink things after a few things came up. I'm still freelance writing (and I'm tutoring a little gal for an hour during the weekdays) but I came to realize that I couldn't take on a new project that I had been excited about. Though I was terribly excited (especially since it was to be with local Knights of Columbus), God knows why it didn't work out. I still dream of working with a church, a Catholic organization, or (one of my grander dreams) to work with a publication that is directly connected with the Vatican but for now I will be continuing my non-Catholic freelance assignments. Baby steps (just like the picture above of the Bl. Mother Teresa with a child.)

All of these things, along with the improvement of my health, have made me very aware of a lot things that I hadn't really thought about. For the first time since I began my freelance writing career, I've felt myself pulled more and more towards writing about the Faith. This week I was asked what my goal was and, for the first time, I said I wanted to use my gifts to help evangelize to my generation as well as the younger generations. At the moment all I can think of doing is continuing this blog as well as finishing my young adult novel. I know God will present different opportunities to me when I am ready.

To say that I've had a burning desire to do something big for the Church is an understatement. I don't know why but I feel like there's something that I am meant to do that I have yet to figure out. I feel called to devote my life to doing something unique to help evangelization purposes but am stuck as to what I should actually do. I've had this feeling before but never this intense or persistent. And, for the record, I want to do these things in a way that won't attract much attention to me. I just want to do these things in a quiet and fruitful way.

If I may be honest, though my heart is still stuck on becoming a wife and mother some day, I feel like this desire is even bigger than any thoughts of marriage. I may still get married but right now I feel myself being pulled closer to God and to (at the risk of sounding dramatic) lose myself in Him. Again, I don't believe I have a religious vocation (and I've certainly been open to it for the past 6 years) but heart and my mind is focused on God and God alone. Who knows, I may become a consecrated virgin. It's a thought I've been had for quite a while now; one I was afraid to have before, due to fear of being alone, but one that I now feel at peace with if it's my vocation. Again, I still believe that my vocation is to be a wife and mother (and I certainly think this vocation would best suit me as it would help get rid of my selfish tendencies that would be harder to shake if I were to remain single) but I am open to whatever God wants me to do/be. Right now I am, thankfully, enamoured with the idea of being close to God and to let what may come come at its own time. Vocation can go either way at the moment. All of this could be in preparation for any of the three. ;)

Anyway, everything that's happened this week had led me to these realizations (first time I have the guts to properly think them through, let alone write it down). See what beginning to read St. Teresa of Avila's Interior Castle and having a Pope Benedict XVI dream have led me to think? lol. jk.

Sorry for such a long post; I just let it all spill out without a second thought.

I should really try to finish my last assignment for the week (yes, I am currently procrastinating :-P) so I can enjoy tomorrow. :D

I hope you all have a wonderful week. If you have any prayer requests, let me know. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless. :D

Wait, Is That...? Chime In!

To see a bigger version, just click the picture.

I've always wondered about images that appear on things such as tree trunks (even on tree trunks in cemeteries), windows, etc. There are skeptics who try to explain them using reasonable explanation and others who believe that these images are sent to help remind us of God and/or Our Lady.

A friend from church sent me this picture. Not saying what/who the image is supposed to be. I'll just leave this here because I'm very curious to know what y'all think of this image and/or of the phenomena in general.

So, what do y'all think? A natural phenomena? Sent from above? Or are you more cautious about these things? Let me know because I'm very curious to see what the general attitude/thought towards this topic is.

Anyway, sorry this is so short but I have a little lady coming over for some English tutoring so I gotta jet. Don't forget to chime in. ;)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless. :D

Catholicism on Tumblr, Part One

(Side note: This is part one of the (planned) two part post on Catholicism on tumblr.)

I love tumblr. If you're following me on it, you know that I don't stick to one theme. If I like it, I will reblog it. A major of my posts contains gorgeous photos of cities, landscapes, flowers, books/libraries, whatever it is that I find funny/like, and, of course, Catholicism. In fact, on the last blog post I posted a picture I found on one of the Catholic tumblrs I'm following. There is good and bad in tumblr. I'd like to think that the good outweighs the bad but at times it seems like it's the opposite. While I am not focusing on the dark side of tumblr (that is for the next post), it exists... and those of us on the website have to find ways to combat it. However, due to deadlines (need to work since I have to start paying back my one and only loan in three weeks-ish), I'm going to start with the good.

There are so many wonderfully creative and witty people on tumblr. Some use it for evil (again, getting there next time) but many use it for good. Instead of describing them, I'm going to post some of my favorite Catholic-related pictures found on tumblr. If you're on the site and are interested in reblogging the items (and tagging them with a "Catholic" or "Catholicism" tag to bury the more pornographic and negative images), let me know and I'll send you the links. :)

Without further ado, here are some of my favorites in the last couple of weeks:

Anyway, this is just a small sample of what is to come. Sorry this is short but I'm pressed for time. Like I said, the next post will focus mostly on what we as Catholics should try to fight against when we're on tumblr but I will include some more awesome (and witty) pictures that I didn't get a chance to post this time around. :D

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a 500 word assignment to complete so I can (hopefully) have time to squeeze in a second assignment today. :D

Hope y'all had a great weekend and have a great week. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless. :D

My Goal for the Year of Faith

Oh, the awesomeness you find on tumblr. You are never alone when you're forever with Rome. ;) I made that last part up. Can I trademark it? lol. jk. :-P

I was thinking about what I would do for the year of faith (besides reading the Catechism of the Catholic Church) and I couldn't decide on one simple thing I could do on my (occasional) limited free time. I could read more books that would make me more knowledgeable on my Faith... but I don't always have free time to do so. I could blog more... but sometimes I barely have enough time to complete writing assignments properly. It wasn't until Mandi replied to a tweet that I sent out this morning that it clicked for me.

One of my biggest weaknesses (if you can call it a weakness) is that I will try to keep everyone around me happy if I can... and that is virtually impossible. If I don't agree with someone, I will usually keep my mouth shut unless provoked. I outgrew some of it at my CINO alma mater but since graduation I found myself reverting to that little shy shell. I hate arguments and avoid them like the plague. Again, unless provoked I am usually "hey, let's just agree to disagree." I think this is because I saw and received a lot of verbal abuse growing up and I tend to shy away from anything that resembles it.

I've had confessors tell me not to sit idly if I feel so strongly about something. That is something I've always been advised to work on. I do get some of it out here on my blog and on twitter... but sometimes I don't say enough. I do cringe at some things certain people say (especially friends I've known for years) but let it go because they're not Christian or because of whatever excuse I come up with. It's not that I don't want to say something, I just don't want the drama that some of them get into. This is a big reason why I am in a current predicament where I am completely not in agreement of the actions of one of my friends and I inwardly hope he knows me well enough to know where I stand on the issue... but it looks like I'm going to have to be vocal and it's not going to end well.

With all of that being said, my self-given goal for the Year of Faith is to not be so afraid to say something when I feel so strongly about it. Like the tweet I sent out earlier (which lost me some followers), I know that some people will get upset and I know that some friendships may be lost but I just can't sit here and pretend that I'm okay with things. Abortion? Not okay, no exceptions.

As Patrick reminded me, "Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me." (Matt 5:11) I cannot be afraid of what others may say to or about me. This is about me being a faithful Catholic who loves God and the Church above all else. Because, really, at the end of my life I don't want to stand in front of God and feel ashamed of not doing more when I could. I need to get over my fears and stand firmly in my beliefs. God gave me a gift and you better believe I will use it to honor Him.

Anyway, just wanted to post this so I can remind myself if needed; in case I ever feel like getting back into my little tortoise shell. It's a little late (9:16 p.m. PST) but better late than never.

I hope you all had a great start of the week and Year of Faith. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless. :D

The Anxiety Chronicles: I'm Not Making It Up

First, I went to confession AND Mass for the first time in a month-ish this Saturday. SCORE!!! I seriously missed it. I cried when I received the Eucharist because I was SO happy to have the chance to do so. Having tummy issues for so long deprived me of this wonderful privilege we have as Catholics. I did feel a little faint but nothing too bad. :D

Second, I've been giving this some thought over the last couple of weeks and I feel like I should address is so that there is no miscommunication, any tension, or any hurt feelings... well, not anymore. I try to be open about my anxiety so that others who may go through similar things don't feel like they're the only ones, or that there's anything wrong with them. I went through the first couple of years without anyone to talk to about this so I know how horrible that feels. Having anxiety can make you feel like there's something wrong with you and that you can't be "normal" because of it. It sucks. Part of why I opened this blog was to help other Catholics with anxiety feel as if they were not alone. Thanks to God, I've been able to meet and help others in similar situations and for that I am very grateful. Sometimes they have medical conditions that trigger anxiety, sometimes it's a food allergy that brings it on (I just learned this), and other times it's past experiences that trigger the "fight or flight" response. Again, I share my experiences because I want others who may be experiencing something similar to take it in, think about it, and talk to their doctors about it. As of late, I've been wondering if I should just stop sharing my experiences... especially when people question me about whether some things are "all in my head." Let me give an example.

If you follow me on twitter or are a friend on my personal FB account, you know I will say "Oh, great... anxiety is back." What I don't say is "Oh, great... anxiety is back. Well, at least I know that my theory that *insert food* is the cause. I will try to not eat it again. At least the allergy is not worse." I already feel like I'm whiny for tweeting/posting about my anxiety but, again, if I can help others, I'm willing to turn the other cheek. In the past two months I've done experiments -- taking foods out of my diet and then reintroducing them to see if the anxiety comes back with it. I've found two foods that indeed aggravate the feelings of anxiety (including peanut butter -- one of the more common food allergies). The anxiety effect lasts for three days at most and then disappears. Can we say "Bingo!"? Same with medication. Some chemicals just do not agree with my body. My doctor since childhood (who, despite being a doctor and giving medicine when necessary) will tell me to avoid taking certain medications and to eat certain things when I'm ill because he's seen firsthand how meds and foods mess me up. (For those interested, I've also had the feeling like I couldn't breathe, have broken out in rashes, and a whole slew of other things when I've had an allergic reaction.)

Last night I took my first dose of a medication to help with my gastritis. It actually took me a couple of days to try it out because I wasn't sure if I had had an allergic reaction to a similar medication years ago (and they advised me not to take it if I had) or if I was given that similar medication but had not taken it. Since I still wasn't sure as of last night, I decided to try it out. Turns out, my first gut reaction that it was similar to one I'd had years ago might've been right because I woke up shaking and just not great. I took the second dose this morning and felt worse, complete with a shaking jaw. I mean, you could say it's anxiety but I know my body well enough to spot a reaction (however minor it may be). Countless trips to the emergency room due to food and medicine allergies have me prepared. Needless to say, I'm discontinuing it... at least until I can get a hold of my doctor and/or pharmacist tomorrow morning when I get my blood work done.

I share this because there might have been comments alluding that I'm making all of this up. I'm not naming names and I'm not attacking anyone in any way so please don't take it that way. This is just like a PSA to let you all know how I feel in these situations. As someone who is a little shy, a little self-conscience from years of bullying, and already feels like she's a huge burden on her family and friends because of this condition, I felt like those comments are discrediting what I feel (physically and otherwise). Not only that, but it makes me think that there is something seriously wrong with me and that no one wants to deal with me. Trust me, it was not my plan to get pale, feel as if I were going to faint, and worry my mother to the point where she couldn't sleep because it's "all in my head."

If you feel like I'm just being oversensitive or need a thicker skin, you may be right. Like I said, this is just how I feel. I am so sick and tired of having this condition. I didn't ask for it. I feel like (pardon my language) crap when I do get anxiety because my mom doesn't deserve that kind of worry. I don't enjoy getting sick. If I could make this go away, I would. And it hurts my feelings when people assume and/or discredit any illnesses or allergic reactions  as being anxiety and/or "all in my head." I'm not the only one who's had this problem lately either. I've noticed some other friends with allergies/anxiety having these same problems with some of their family and friends. We're not crazy or trying to get attention; our bodies just don't work the same way as others do. You try having anxiety for 12 years, and only now figuring out that a lot of the anxiety could've been controlled with proper food allergy tests (which I can't afford, btw). It sucks. Thankfully I've been pretty anxiety-free lately because I've taken certain foods out of my diet and I'm eating healthier. Any recent anxiety I might've mentioned has been as a result of my experiments to reintroduce the foods. As of right now, I am feeling some anxiety symptoms but those may because of a reaction to the meds (btw, my face and my jaw feel tight and odd... and my mom keeps checking in on me in case I get worse. Still think I'm making it up?)

In PSA fashion (which, again, I feel like this is): please be a little kinder when speaking to someone with anxiety... especially if you have no personal (you yourself) experience with it. Yes, I cry. Yes, I feel like poo when these things are mentioned. Yes, I can turn the other cheek... but I'm hope to bring a sort of awareness for the future. If you feel compelled to, then fine -- keep saying that I'm making it up. It'll hurt me but I'll pray for you and I'll move on quickly after. I'll take that kind of abuse but only if you agree not to do it to others. To those with anxiety, try to not let it get to you. I know it's easier said than done but try. Pray that St. Dymphna may intercede for you so that you know what it is that is causing your anxiety. And, BTW, a lot of my friends have had anxiety due to thyroid problems. Just putting it out there for future reference.

Anyway, I just wanted to get this off of my chest. Some of my more popular blog posts have gotten the traffic because people search for anxiety and Catholicism or anxiety and St. Dymphna. I hope some of this will help at least one person. :)

I'm going to go chug some water and try to do something productive while I wait to feel back to normal. :D Hope you all had a great weekend. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless. :D