Please Help Me Pick the Patron Saint for 2016!

It's that time of year again, dear readers. Yes, it's time to post the annual patron saint poll. For those you know who are new to this blog: the idea is to help me pick a patron saint for the blog in hopes that they can help me learn something new during the year. So far, whichever saint had won for each year has been incredibly relevant during that particular year.

There is a twist to the poll this year: the saints in the poll are all new and it's the first year I don't pick one of the many titles of neither Jesus nor Mary. The reason for the latter is because I decided to make the Sacred Heart of Jesus and the Immaculate Heart of Mary part of my new personal devotion for the next year. The patron saint will be separate from that.

Those on this year's list have never been picked before and all but two have never been options in the past couple of years. The reason I did this was because it's usually the same saints who win. Not that there's anything wrong with that. I just hope to learn something new from someone else.

This year the lists includes (patronages in parenthesis):

St. Alphonsus Maria de Liguori (theologians and against scrupulosity)
St. Bernard of Menthen (hikers)
St. Frances of Rome (drivers and laywomen)
St. Francis de Sales (writers)
St. Gemma Galgani (students and against temptation)
St. Honorius of Amiens (bakers)
St. Joan of Arc (people ridiculed for their piety)
St. Joseph (against doubt, against hesitation, and travellers)
St. Lawrence of Rome (cooks and students)
St. Lidwina of Schiedam (against illness and prolonged suffering)
St. Michael Archangel (bakers and against temptation)
St. Nicholas of Myra (students, travellers, and unmarried women)
St. Padre Pio (stress relief)
St. Veronica (photographers)

Each saint is linked to a page with more info on them. The saints were picked either because they are patrons of things that are relevant in my life or because they were suggestions from friends and/or readers. I did asked for suggestions on Twitter and this blog's FB page so if your favorite saint didn't make the list because you said nothing, do not blame me for not adding them. lol.

The poll will be open until December 30th at 8 a.m. PST and will be revealed later that day. You can vote for more than one saint or even come back and change your votes if you so chose to, as long as it's done before the poll closes. It'll be posted on the right side, under this year's current patron saint (St. Brigid of Ireland).

Okay, that's it for now. I have some work to get to. ;)

I hope y'all are enjoying the last of work (for some of you) before Christmas break!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Fears, Tears, and Discerning His Will

How you ever found yourself desperately wanting to do God's will but have absolutely no clue as to how to do that? If so, welcome your newest club member. Hello, my name is Emmy... and I have no idea what I'm going to do in 2016.

I find myself wanting to use the cliché "fork in the road" metaphor. I feel a peace about pursuing my plans of working with Catholic youth but I'm questioning whether I need a Master's degree for that. Those who I've talked to have opened up my eyes to a reality my idealism wasn't expecting. I've already talked a bit about that in the previous blog post. Deep down I know I don't want to teach, at least not in the traditional sense. Even though I'm an academic geek and I will never tire of learning, I'm also questioning whether I'm done with my own academic career.

For the record, I seem to have passed both of my grad school courses well enough to continue at JP Catholic. I thought I would be relieved when I found out that I would be able to continue -- elated, even -- but I wasn't. That caught me off guard. I found out when I came from the hospital yesterday (side note and long story short: I had an odd, almost allergic reaction to wheat bread I ate yesterday but we didn't know that the bread was cause until later that night when I had a snack and had a similar reaction. I'm going to cut wheat out of my diet until I see my doctor on Thursday.) Anyway, when I got home, I saw the grades and was briefly happy that I had passed... but I was also kind of disappointed that I no longer had an excuse to not continue. It doesn't make sense. I loved my classes and the professors were a dream come true for this Pope Benedict XVI fangirl and former CINO college grad. I loved every second of my courses, finding joy even in the most stressful times. However, as much as I loved them, I'm finding myself unsure of whether I want to return or not. No, that's not entirely true. I find myself not wanting to return but I don't know why.

Does anyone remember a blog post I wrote a couple of weeks ago about having peaceful doubts? Like I mentioned in the post, there was a "big risk" option that I didn't need the MA for but that would be prepare me for it. Lately, I've felt pulled more and more in that direction. One of the last things my former SD said to me in our last meeting has kept popping up in my head over the past couple of days. He said "you know what you want to do and you have the tools to do it. All you have to do is put it into action." This came after a conversation about how I need to conquer my problem with fear, which is easily the biggest thing that keeps me from moving forward.

As I wrote that last paragraph, I started getting a lump in my throat and an overwhelming desire to cry. Am I going to "live blog" this? Okay... I'm going to do this... right now I feel both relief and an intense fear at the same time. I also feel like I'm getting this "bingo, this is what you need to do" moment. And here are the tears. Okay, I will not break down while writing this... no, Emmy... no...

Did I just figure things out while writing this blog post? I don't know. I just know that I'm confused. I so desperately want to do God's will but I don't know if this is what I must do and it's fear that's stopping me or if I'm just overwhelmed with everything that's happened in the past couple of months and that's why I'm feeling this way. However, I will say that the seeds of what I'm going through now were planted long ago. Way before I graduated from my undergrad program. That big risk -- the one I'm not ready to share details of yet -- has always made the most sense to me, like it's what I'm meant to do, but I've never figured out how to go about it. I still don't, which is where the fear may be coming from. I'm currently feeling both peace and restlessness about this.

Every time the thought "this is what you have to do; don't be afraid of doing it" comes to mind, the lump in my throat gets bigger and there's more moisture in my eyes. I talk about trusting God but would I have the courage to leave comfort behind and trust Him with this? Do I have the courage to follow Him into the unknown, if this is truly what He wants from me? I guess there's only one way to find out.

Please pray for me as I discern what to do next. I don't want to make any big decision based on emotion which isn't easy for me since I feel deeply and I'm a bit sensitive. Y'all know that. I'm going to pray about it (it's been something that I've been taking to prayer daily for a while now) and see where I go from here. Man, I wish I wasn't so terrible at making big decisions. Holy Spirit, it's up to you to help me at this point.

Anyway, I'm just rambling on at this point. Sorry.

I hope everyone is having a great week thus far. I'll be posting my annual patron saint poll tomorrow... and there's a new twist to it this year.

As always, thanks for reading and God bless. :)

 

Oh, Sweet, Sweet Blogosphere: I Survived!

Can you hear the "hallelujah" chorus being sung? Can you see the sun shining? There's a spring in my step and a song on my lips. Yes, ladies and gentlemen: I've officially survived my first quarter of grad school! Yay!!! I mean, okay... I'm a bit sleep deprived, I'm quite a few pounds lighter (which isn't good because that means I'm underweight again), and I'm still facing dismissal but I survived! lol.

As I wrote last time, I don't think I will be returning for a second quarter because of how poorly my quarter went. Again, it wasn't that I didn't try. I did. I gave it my all and then some. There were just too many obstacles that were thrown my way and I couldn't catch up. I won't repeat everything; it's all in the previous post. I'm not stressed out though. I did well considering everything I went through. I received solid grades on all my essays. I actually did better in Philosophy than in Theology which I was not expecting. Philosophy is my weak spot as far as the world of Theology/Philosophy goes. I loved every second of my classes; it's just unfortunate that I had so much going on at the same time. Predictably, as soon as I was finished with the quarter, things slowed down. So the crazy began the day of orientation (the day before the quarter started) and it slowed down as soon as the last final was completed. You draw your conclusions there...

Actually, all of this has got me thinking about whether or not grad school is for me. Again, LOVED it. I learned so much. Dr. Barber and Dr. Kincaid are great professors. It's not a reflection on the school or the professors. I'm still an academic nerd at heart but I've been thinking (for a couple of weeks now) that maybe this is not the path for me. Yes, I still think that I'm on the right path as far as vocation (small v; aka career/job) goes but maybe I'm just not meant to continue grad school for this particular subject. That is something I'm going to be discerning over the next couple of weeks.

I'm not quitting because it was hard and I went through a lot. If that was the case, I wouldn't have turned in my finals. I would've dropped out when I had a chance to get the W. I could've said "why am I doing this when I'm not going to pass one class and face dismissal?" Actually, the thought did pop into my head this past week. "Why am I finishing my Philosophy paper when I'm obviously not going to pass (reminder: that means B- or better) Theology?" But, no. I finished what I started. What did it for me was the cold, hard facts that my friends who've taken a similar path presented to me.

If you guys haven't noticed by now: I'm an idealist. I dream big. I'm optimistic. That's not bad, per se... it can just cloud my decisions at times. I had this vision that wasn't exactly shattered but was brought down to reality. I won't go into detail but let's just say that, yes, I did have my head in the clouds and had to be talked sense into. In the end, while I'm still optimistic about the future, I feel as if I have a clearer vision of what I feel called to do.

I still feel as if I want to work with teenagers but maybe teaching in a traditional sense is not for me. I still want to write and opportunities have presented themselves in which I can actually do that. Yes, writing is an unpredictable and unstable profession. Hi, I did freelance work for 2 years! Still, I'm finding better opportunities to do that and in a more financially stable manner. As for the work with teenagers, I can do that with my BA. I can do so much with what I already have.

Maybe I needed to go through a hard semester of grad school to realize that I'm ready. Maybe grad school was an unintentional excuse because I was afraid (oh, fear... my arch nemesis) of going after what I feel called to do. I honestly felt as if I needed to do my Theology MA because I wasn't knowledgeable enough in the faith to dive into work. Now I feel as if I'm ready. Maybe I went through a hard 10 weeks so that I could see that I was committed to this path (which I am!) but that perhaps grad school isn't a part of His plans for me. That's okay.

As I said, I'm going to be discerning that between now and the time the next quarter starts (in the off-chance that I get to stay). A lot of time will be spent in prayer and in front of the tabernacle when I'm able. I'm not making any decisions unless I take them to prayer because He knows I know His help when it comes to these big decisions. In the meantime I've started applying to jobs. There is one in particular that would be great for me -- it involves writing, I can do it from home, and it's for an orthodox Catholic company. We shall see what the future holds. :)

Anyway, those are my thoughts for now. I have more but I'm going to wait until my end of year review post to share them. Oh, you can wait another 10 days or so. ;)

Oh! If you're wondering what my plans are while I discern: a lot of rest. I need to kick start my plans to get healthy so a lot of rest (read: stable sleeping schedule), eating well, and relaxing is what Dr. Emmy* orders for herself. I got a month of Netflix so I'm going to enjoy that when I'm not working on my third novel. No, it's not work for me; writing is fun for me! :D

I hope y'all have a wonderful weekend!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Hello from the Land of Failure

"Hello from the Land of Failure." Well, I almost named it "Hello from the Other Side... of a Failed Exam" but didn't. Oh, Emmy... haha. I'm sure I can come up with a parody song to "Down Under" by Men at Work or "Hello" by Adele. I'm a massive goober like that. lol. Yes, I'm genuinely laughing. Yes, there's a good chance that I've lost my mind. And, yes, I did just fail my Theology final exam.

I'm not happy that I've failed a course that I loved nor I have to leave such a wonderful program. Seriously, I wouldn't trade my 10 weeks (that's how long their quarters are) at JP Catholic for anything in the world. Dr. Barber and Dr. Kincaid taught me more about theology and philosophy in 10 weeks than I've learned in nearly 10 years since my reversion. If you're thinking about studying for an MA in Biblical Theology, I highly recommend their program!

I think the reason why I'm not kicking myself or why I'm not lamenting the lost opportunity is because I've reminded myself that everything happens for a reason. I know some of you absolutely loathe that phrase but I'm a firm believer in it. I may not know the reason why things happened the way they did but I believe that God will help me see where I need to go from here.

It's not like I failed because I played played video games instead of studying. Granted, I probably did waste some time (10 minutes or so) working on puzzles every once in a while but I think I spent more time studying these past couple of weeks than I have in years. Do I need to remind you guys of how I spent weeks leading up to the start of the quarter in and out of the hospital, recovering from minor surgeries? How my platelets plummeted and how my anemia returned once I started the quarter? How my stomach felt like it was going to explode from 3 a.m. the morning of orientation until about 3 p.m. after Joe and I had gotten back to L.A. from Escondido? How I had that terrible car accident two weeks into the quarter that put me behind on my coursework for the rest of the quarter? How my spiritual director quit on me (general consensus amongst friends and family is confusion over that whole situation) only two weeks ago? How I've had major problems with our new building manager the past two weeks and how my own personal safety is now at risk? Wait, I don't think I've shared that last one on the blog yet... Not to mention that every single time I tried to study over the past couple of weeks, something would derail me. Those following me on Twitter know exactly what I mean. Not my choice to waste my time, y'all.

All the "bad luck" I've had lately has been like a series of spiritual attacks, haven't they? I've had enough people say it to make me believe that all these events were just a way to derail me from the Biblical Theology MA path. It certainly seems that way, at least. Things that were out of my control popped up all the time, especially over the past two months (time from car accident forward).

I'm not quitting grad school. At least, it won't be my decision to leave JP Catholic. The school has a C- policy -- if you get anything under a C (C- and under) and you're automatically dismissed from the program. I was informed of that prior to final exams because I asked if I could just repeat the one course I won't pass. I knew I wouldn't have the time to catch up with all the work and knew that the probability of my not passing was high. I put in full-time work hours (and then some) per week. I think I put in a couple of 18 hour days whenever a paper was due just so I could meet the deadline. I lost weight (I'm down to 112 lbs -- my smallest since I was a teenager and quite underweight for my 5'7" height) and I lost sleep trying to catch up. I gave it the old "college try," Oh, what a great idiom for this, lol. I'm proud of myself for fighting against time. The time crunch was real, y'all. I lost maybe 4 or 5 total weeks due to everything that happened post-accident. I studied until my head ached. Sometimes I would fall asleep with my laptop onto of me during the day because I would work until almost 4 a.m.

I fought temptation. I had so many opportunities to cheat on the quizzes and the final exam but I didn't. We took our exams online. Do you know how easy it is to cheat on exams online? Sure, they have software that lets them know if we open up a new tab on our browser during the exam but they can't know whether we used handwritten notes or not, even after they said no open notes. I could've had the chance to take a quick peek to jog my memory. It would've been so easy. The thought popped up in my mind at least once with each quiz and the final exam. The temptation was there... it was hard... but the Holy Spirit helped me resist. They (JP Catholic administration and professors) had full faith in us to do the right thing and I wanted to honor that. I didn't want to insult my professors, myself, or God (and, obviously, not in that order) by cheating. My memory didn't want to cooperate with me. It happens.

Unless the administration decides to give me another chance at JP Catholic -- fully knowing my situation; I've kept them in the loop since an hour or two after I was released from the hospital after my accident -- I'm officially done with grad school. What does this mean for me? Well, we'll see. There are Plans B, C, and D but first there are a couple of things I need/want to do.

First, my immediate goal is to get myself healthy again. I need to regain that weight I lost (I was up to about 122 a few months ago), eat more iron-rich foods to raise my red blood count (and thus kick anemia in the tush), and do whatever else needs to be done to get myself healthy again. Without health, I'm going to be useless in the workforce, especially if that works will have me away from the house.

Second immediate goal: look for and apply to jobs that I can do from home. My car is still getting fixed (thankfully Alli raised a good amount of $ to get my car fixed on GoFundMe; yes, donations are still being accepted since we still have to pay about $500 out of pocket at this point) so transportation isn't easy. Why do you think I've lost so much weight? I haven't had the chance to grocery shop with my limited diet and my limited time; I have to drive twice as far just to get foods I can eat and that isn't easy without a car. One of my best friends has already found a job listing for something that suits me to a T but since it's not guaranteed, I'm going to be putting out feelers. Yes, I'm still applying for the job (which I can do from home) and hope that I get it because, really, it's exactly what I would've wanted even if I had finished the MA program. Thankfully it's something that I don't need the MA for, too.

Third goal: finish my third novel and figure out the fourth. Oh, I have plenty of ideas bouncing around my head for at least two more novels. I'm not going to sit around and do nothing while I wait to find a job or while I try to regain my health. I'm also going to try to shop them around to literary agencies and publishing houses instead of taking the self-publishing route. I love to write. One of my best friends says it's one of the strengths (though I don't see it, lol) so why not try to do something with it once again? At least I know that going the "content mill" route is not for me.

There you have it... my thoughts at half past midnight on the day of my last final. Oh, don't worry about this one. It's a Philosophy paper on William of Ockham, Descartes, and Spinoza. Writing essays is my academic forte. I just need to edit it and go into the book for citations before I turn it in. At least I'll pass one course (the hardest of the two, ironically) this quarter. :)

Thank you to everyone who prayed for me during the quarter. I know some of you prayed really hard for me. Please don't think that prayer didn't help because it did. I've been so peaceful (even in the really stressful moments) that my own mother says she doesn't recognize me. lol. Seriously, no panic attacks or anything. Maybe it didn't help in terms of passing the exam but it certainly helped me not lose my marbles or commit a serious sin in the process. We'll just have to pray and see what God has in store for me next. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Emmy: One, Week From Heck: Zero.

I'm okay. I'm alive. I'm (relatively) healthy. I'm still way behind on coursework, especially with everything that's happened lately... but I think I can finish everything (final paper, quizzes, and final exam) on time. I'm sure going to try. I've briefly cried from the stress but that's natural. I've vented to friends. I've prayed. I've come to the conclusion that I'll be okay. Hey, I'm not smiling for no good reason. I don't like showing false emotions that cover my true feelings. Actually, I'm fairly sure I'm incapable of doing it; people have told me that you can figure out what I'm feeling (or thinking, if you really know me) by simply looking at me.

I know some of you were worried about me after reading my blog post from last Tuesday. The feelings lingered through the next day or so but I stopped crying that night. (side note: huge shout out to the friends who either made me laugh or who let me vent it all out that evening.) I'm able to look back at the whole situation this way: I learned a lot from that meeting and for that I'm grateful. Yes, it hurt but good things came out of it. I got my prayer life back on track though it's not where it should be overall. I've been able to put God before everything else, though I'll admit that I still occasionally slip and get caught up in deadlines or lethargic feelings for a little while. Once I realize what I'm doing, I automatically shift my focus back on God. Also, bonus: I've had a couple of people benefit from my experience and it's led them to reevaluate their own prayer lives so it hasn't been all bad. :)

I also came to the conclusion that this was for the best. My former SD is a great priest (who maybe had an off day that day) but, as I was gently reminded by my mother and one of my best friends, I haven't gotten much out of my meetings with him for a while now. My prayer life needs to change. My spiritual growth has outgrown my daily prayer routine. As horrible as it sounds, I've gotten bored with the same routine and thus get caught up in just going through the motions. Maybe I would benefit from another priest's guidance.

I went through a period of confusion regarding everything but I think I've finally gotten clarity... or as much clarity as I can get while going through a rough time.

Despite confusion about whether I should continue with grad school or leave, I've felt peace about staying so I'm going to tough it out. Like I've repeatedly said, I do love my courses and my professors are great... I just got a bit overwhelmed falling behind on everything post-accident. I had to ask for an extension on my first Philosophy paper. I finished my Theology paper 4 hours after it was due because I decided that I would rather turn in the best paper I could instead of turning in something mediocre because I wanted to meet the deadline. I could've done that. I could've finished an hour before it was due... but it wouldn't have been my best work. I didn't even stress out when I couldn't upload my paper at 3 a.m. when I finished the paper and the school's website was down. That is unusual for me. Academic pride won't be a problem anytime soon. lol.

As for the career confusion: I was given many options lately but none that have felt right. Okay, let's put feelings aside: none of which I've discerned to be the right one for me. I've decided to postpone taking on a new job for now. I can afford that luxury -- to focus solely on school for the foreseeable future. If it gets to the point where I need an additional source of income (right now, novel royalties are helping), I'll cross that bridge when I get to it. For now: school is my focus. Whether I'll teach or work elsewhere will remain to be seen. All I can do is prepare myself for the future.

Regarding the topic I rarely write about on the blog or, really, talk about in general: I'm in a good place mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. There's not much I can do but pray for my future fella. I'm enjoying my time as a single lady (mostly because my parents raised a fiercely independent young woman). I've also learned to let go of any fears I might've had regarding my vocation. If anything, everything that I've gone through this year has shown me that I'm not only confident about my vocation but that I'm also ready for whatever God has in store for me. And that's all you'll get from me for a while so enjoy it. lol.

Yes, life has been tough. In the past week I:
- have lost my spiritual director.
- was billed for something my lawyer insisted I get done when my case was open and now refuses to pay for it.
- turned in an assignment late.
- have had my parking spot taken from me by the new building manager despite having it for years and being the oldest tenants.
- was relocated to the alley behind our building, not far from where a neighbor almost got raped a few months ago.
- was told by the manager's assistant that if something happened to me at 4 a.m. when I take my mom to work it wouldn't be "her problem." (The manager has since apologized for the remark).
- have been told by the latest mechanic that he wouldn't fix my car.
- was threatened with having my car towed out of my parking space even though I've been paying for it (included in my rent) if I don't move it out by tomorrow at 5 p.m.
- haven't had a chance to study or even read because I get pulled away to do other things by multiple people (this blog post actually took hours to write due to the same issue) throughout the day. Seriously, I haven't even eaten more than two slices of bread and three tortillas all day and it's now 5:32 p.m.
- and much more that I'm not even publicly sharing.

As I said, I've cried (to release the emotions instead of bottling them up) but that rarely lasts longer than a couple of minutes. I, thankfully, bounce back pretty quickly. I'm okay. I'm still smiling. I'm surprisingly optimistic about everything. My faith is growing stronger as is my trust in God. I keep repeating Psalm 46:1 and Philippians 4:13 (RSVCE) as well as offering everything up for the souls in purgatory. I'm good. Really. I promise. If you have a prayer to spare and want to send it my way, I won't say no. ;)

Anyway, I just wanted to update y'all because I know some of y'all were/are and I haven't really blogged since. I've been so busy dealing with all these crumbs that I haven't had the time. Sorry.

I hope y'all are having a better week than I am (haha!). I will try to write again when I get the bulk of what I have due finished. Commence operation "Little Emmy That Could." ;)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!