Spiritual Motherhood

This past week I attempted to finish reading Married Saints and Blesseds Through the Centuries by Ferdinand Holbeck. I say "attempted" because, at the time that I write this, I'm still about 60+ pages away from finishing the 501 page book. Yes, that's right: 501 pages long. It's taken me about a year and a half to finish since I've read it in chunks but it's been so worth it because I've learned a lot from the saints and blessed (and other inspirational people) featured in the book.

One of the biggest things that I've taken out of this book is that it's further confirmed that my vocation is that of wife and mother. I don't know when it's going to happen but, God willing, it's going to happen some day and this book has truly inspired me to be the best wife and mama that I can be while trying to get my future fella and my future babies to heaven.

While I'm not exactly in "Ugh, I hate being single. Where the heck is my future fella? Did he get off on the wrong exit and is refusing to ask for directions?" mode, the wait can be a bit trying at times. I'm patient... but I'm also nearing the end of my 20s so it makes me wonder how much longer I will have to wait. The wonderful thing about this book is that it's made me realize that I already have a head start in the motherhood department.

I've read about how many saints who didn't have children of their own (for a number of reasons, including Josephite marriages) still had "children" whom they took care of. Some were supported financially and others spiritually. The idea of spiritual motherhood reminded me of my little man (my godson, Neil Flynn) whom I love so much... and made me realize that it does help with the "not yet a wife nor mama" pains we single ladies can sometimes feel.

When Alli and Dustin asked me to be the godmother of their newest baby (before we knew that my godson was going to be a godson and not a goddaughter), I was so excited. I'd always wanted to be a godmother and I love babies so being asked to a godmother was one of the best moments in my life thus far. While I won't be able to see my little man as often as I'd like (I live on the West Coast and the Fabers are East Coast-headed-to-South), I'm going to try to do all that I can for that little boy.

I may not be financially well off but I have love to spare and I'm going to make sure he's on the receiving end of it. What I can't materially give him, I can do it spiritually. At random times in the day, I've caught myself asking God to bless him. I pray for him (and his parents and big sister, Lucy). I'm also asking God to please help me be a good godmother to him because I have no idea what a godmother is supposed to do. Well, no, I know what we're supposed to do (help him grow spiritually as he grows up) but I don't know how to do it from a distance. I do plan on seeing him whenever I can afford to (financially and time-wise) but I know that, for a while, we'll still be separated by a couple thousand miles. Madrina will be praying for him (and his family) every single day. I will try to live my life in a way that will be a good example to him so that, when he grows, he can be inspired to grow closer to God. It'll be a learning experience as Neil Flynn is my first "baby" but I'm excited to learn and grow along with him.

Anyway, I just felt like sharing this with y'all... and especially you single ladies. Don't let the pains of singlehood (especially for those over the age of 25) get to you. There's so many ways we can be spiritual mothers, including to our nieces, nephews, children of our friends, and even priests. :D

Alright, I'm trying to limit my time online so that's it for me for now.

I hope y'all had a great weekend and that you have a great start of week. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

A Simpler Life With Limited Technology

As I type this blog post out, I'm watching my favorite uber guilty pleasure show which I will not name because it's a cheesy kids/teen show. It's not new (first season released in 2006 and the last season in 2010) but I like watching it because it's inspired me to live a simpler life with limited technology.

Smartphones (I'm counting from the introduction of the iPhone forward) took off halfway through this series. Social media devotees were jumping from Myspace to Facebook... and Twitter was in its infancy. Netflix was a new thing. Things were moving along in technology but the series didn't move with it. By the time the series ended, there were more social networks, more gadgets, more... well, more things that we have now... yet the series (which centered around a group of high schoolers) didn't. Yes, they had cell phones (even smartphones) and laptops, but they didn't rely on them. In fact, unless they had to communicate with someone immediately (cell phones) or do their homework/research (laptop), these tech gadgets weren't used. Teenagers who weren't attached to their gadgets... ah, the memories from my own adolescent years (1998-2003). ;)

This Lent I've been trying to step away from technology for a simpler life. I've never been much of a phone person so texts can go unanswered for hours. I've been wearing a wrist watch (remember those dinosaurs? ;D) for a couple of weeks now so that I don't have to rely on using my iPod touch to check the time. (Bonus: my watch was the first big purchase I made with my first paycheck out of HS; yes, I've always been practical.) I try to drain my iPod touch so that I am not constantly checking Twitter, IG, FB, and email. I do use my iPod touch during prayer time (I use the iPieta app for The Little Office of the Blessed Virgin Mary) but even this will eventually get phased out when I can afford the physical Little Office book.

I still rely on technology to talk to friends (as I had previously discussed in my Social Media and Lent post a couple of days ago) but it's different now. My bestie and I aren't social media slaves these days but we do take some time out of our days to catch up (she's been an amazing help while I've been going through my depression and double toothache double whammy days). Some days we message back and forth because we'll both busy ourselves with other things offline and it can take hours to check messages. It's been a good balance that has actually helped some of my friendships in great ways.

Technology isn't bad... but I think many of us are too overly attached to our gadgets. I include myself in that statement because I've been too attached to my iPod touch in the past. And to think that all of this wanting to live a simpler life was inspired by a cheesy teen show. Yep.

Anyway, just some thoughts for the day since I know I haven't blogged in a couple of days. Double toothache and depression has made some days harder than usual... and I really try not to be online when I'm having those kinds of days. :)

I hope you're all having a good Lent thus far. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Confession: I Have Mild Depression

I've been trying to fight the symptoms for a while now but it's come to the point where I have to admit it: I have mild depression... and it stinks. Yes, the doctor has confirmed that I have been displaying the symptoms of depression for several weeks but I still tried to keep myself going.

I have the symptoms of atypical depression. I'm oversleeping during the day after not being able to sleep (or getting up quite often) at night. I'm super hungry most days. I've had the urge to cry at least once a day for the past couple of days for no obvious reason, though tonight was the first time I actually cried in weeks. I just want to stay in bed some days, mostly due to extreme fatigue. Sometimes my body feels like lead; my arms and legs feel heavy. My concentration is shot. I forget things on occasion. On most days I can distract myself... but some days are hard. Tonight has been the worst day/night in several weeks. I try to fight it, of course, but it's still a struggle.

I think that being sick for so long has caused this. Every day I wake up and see how pale I am -- and how dark the circles under my eyes are -- and it stays on my mind for most of the rest of the day. When I get weighed (once a week), I see that I make little to no progress in gaining weight despite the amount of calories I eat. All of that contributes to it.

I push myself every day. I push myself to get out of bed despite my exhaustion... to try to get all the nutrients and calories I need to help try to combat the anemia and other stomach issues (which the doctors have yet to figure out the root cause for)... to leave the house and do everything I have to do (errands and whatnot), etc. I've been consistently sick for almost 3 years now. I know it's a cross I have to bear and I while I accept it, I still feel sad. No amount of logic can make the emotions turn off.

Please don't begin saying "it's okay. Take it up to God." "Don't worry, God has this." All those words, while lovely and true, don't help how I feel because it feels like you're saying I'm not trying hard enough; like my feelings should not exist and that I should know better. I know God is with me. I know that when I feel like I have no one else (a sneaky thought that pops into my head from time to time though I know it's not true, it still comes up), I know I have Him. I pray. I try to give myself some comfort knowing that He won't leave me during this time. It has nothing to do with any lack in trust or faith in God. I DO trust Him and I do have a lot of faith that things will get better, but I still want to cry and I still feel sad. That's just how depression works.

The reason why I had stayed silent about this is because people immediately want to "fix" me... or make my depression about themselves, making me feel I'm a burden and/or not worth listening to. Yes, I'm talking from experience. However, I'm fairly open about what I go through because I hope that someday someone struggling will find this post and will be encouraged to keep going.

I'm lucky in so many ways. I've never been suicidal. I'm never harmed myself (nor do I want to). I can still have faith and hope despite how I feel at times. My depression isn't intense as others experience it... but it's still there. I pray that St. Dymphna will help me get out of this little hole and that those who are worse off than I am feel God's love during their darkest moments.

So, there you have it: my nickname is Emmy and I'm currently struggling with depression. I will pray for those who are currently in the same or similar boat.

Anyway, I just wanted to open up about this and share my thoughts and feelings with y'all.

Now I'm going to try to do... something. I'm not really in the mood to do anything but I know I have to so I won't dwell on how "blaaaah" I feel.

I hope y'all are having a good weekend thus far. :)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!

Judgey McJudgersons

Yesterday I was told a story that I can't confirm whether or not it actually happened but it was good to hear because it reminded me of something I (and, let's be real, most people) sometimes do: judge others.

I was told that the supervisor of our building made a comment about how I was still asleep at 10:30 a.m. when she and our building manager came to check on our master bathroom, which has been mold/mildew covered for months (yes, we reported it months ago). They had woken me up and I groggily went to open the door. That was last week. Yesterday I was told that she said: "ugh, she's still asleep at this hour?!" in a way that insinuated that I was a lazy person. Our building manager allegedly came to my rescue and said: "well, she studies at night and sleeps by day." That isn't true but it was last semester when I did my studying into the late night/wee hours of the morning; he doesn't know that I'm taking a break from school.

After hearing what was allegedly said, I was obviously not happy. I'd had a particularly rough night on which I barely slept at night due to horrible GERD/acid reflux and the morning was when I was finally able to sleep. Of course, she didn't know this and automatically made a snap judgement based on what she saw. Just like she didn't know that I hadn't slept more than an hour or so that night, she also doesn't know that sometimes I sleep in because of my anemia and (possibly) platelet levels; I'm just zapped for energy and it's hard not to fall asleep some days. It's a medical scenario but it reminded me of how we all make judgments without having the full facts.

That child that is crying or babbling or unable to sit still in the pew at Mass? How do we know that that child doesn't have special needs or is sick and whatever ails them is making them uncomfortable? That person who absentmindedly cuts in front of us while we walk? How do we know they don't have something weighing heavily on their minds? The person to snaps at us out of the blue? How do we know that they're not just having a lousy day or that they lack sleep or were unable to eat because of circumstances beyond their control? All these are just examples of things most of us deal with yet we don't stop and consider the logical explanations.

Yes, there are people who are just rude and nasty out there, but I like to believe that most people are good with bad moments. We all have them. I know that I personally get grumpy when I don't eat or sleep properly. I don't appreciate jokes when I'm feeling sick because of how lousy I feel. I'm human and, while friends joke that I have the superpower of patience, sometimes I fail... but there's always an underlying reason for it.

It's so easy to judge. If we're honest with ourselves, we know that we all do it. We all know that we're not supposed to judge -- that we have absolutely no right to judge anyone -- but it sometimes just happens during a moment of weakness. My challenge to myself (and whoever wants to participate) is to try to not pass a single judgement; to be more aware of my thoughts and actions. Just like I don't like people making snap judgments on me based on what little information they have, I know other people feel the same way about their own lives.

Maybe the next time a child is being disrupted during Mass, we can pray for them since we don't know why they're being noisy... or pray that the one person who likes to turn around and give the stink eye to the parent doesn't do it for once. Maybe next time someone does something that makes us upset, we should try to remember that there could be an underlying reason for it; one that would be excusable if only we knew what it was.

Anyway, these are just my thoughts this morning. :D

Oh! I'm headed out of the country this weekend and I was wondering if I could possibly bother y'all for some prayers? Just for a safe trip and that the business I have to attend to will go smoothly. Please and thank you! :)

I should probably go eat something. Two pieces of toast an hour ago wasn't enough. Oops. lol.

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Silence and Lent

This conversation just happened about 5 minutes ago:

Me: You know what? I'm going to give up the internet after 8 p.m.;  9 p.m. today because I have a couple of things to finish.
Mom: Are you sure you can go without it?
Me: Yes. I need to for my health.

You know you really do need to disconnect when your mother doubts your success. lol. Add this to things I'm giving up this Lent.

This is my second Lenten post because I just scraped the surface with the previous post. I'm only giving up three things: time on social media, unnecessary spending, and time away from being "plugged in." I am, however, adding things on.

I guess the biggest thing I'm "adding on" classifies as both adding on and giving up and it's one of the biggest things I struggle with: silence. See, I don't like silence all that much. I always have something playing, even if it's a white noise app that plays the sound of rain or a crackling fire while I try to fall asleep. When my father passed away? I turned on music when I got home because music is my safety blanket. Home alone? Music, the white noise app, or the TV is on. Driving? Music is on.

The only time I like silence is when I'm trying to pray because I like to concentrate. Not always; sometimes I need Gregorian Chant or classical music playing if I feel it's too quiet. I'd say about 98% of the time I need it to be completely quiet. My spiritual director always asks me if I've had some time in silence to pray during the month and my answer is always the same: I have prayed... but I've not done any time just sitting in silence.

This Lent I've decided to take less time plugged in and more time in silence, especially whilst praying. This means unplugging and turning off the computer at 8 p.m. and turning the "do not disturb" function on my iPod at 8:30-9 p.m. so I won't get notifications. This means draining my iPod touch battery and charging it in another part of the apartment so I won't be tempted to check it. It means turning off the T.V. by 9 pm (10 pm on Tuesdays because mom and I love watching 19 Kids and Counting). My phone's ringer will stay off.

What am I going to do with my free time? I'm going to pray... read... write (but no novels; personal letters)... sit in silence and see if I can't get a good conversation with God going. I've been praying about several things for many years but I think that my life has always been so noisy that I might've missed the message a long time ago... and am still missing it. We shall see.

As I said, silence and I are not friends so this will be a good test for me. However, I'm not doing it just for myself and to test my willpower; this is something my spiritual director has been trying to get me to do for months and Lent is the perfect time to try. I may fail... but that doesn't mean that I will give up at the first slip up. Practice makes perfect, right?

Alright, well, I took 4 hours to write this blog post because mom and I got sidetracked with something that was way overdue for a couple of hours. Yes, this means that I already failed at unplugged at 8 p.m. (it's 11:11 p.m. right now). I'm still going to use the next hour to pray and enjoy some silence. An hour today is better than nothing.

I hope you all have a successful Lent... and please remember that if you slip up on one of your Lenten goals, you can always start again. This is the perfect time to remember that we all mess up but that we can always try to do the right thing again. :)

That's it for now.

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D