I Have NO Clarity Regarding God's Will For Me

After receiving a poor grade on an assignment I worked hard on over the weekend, I felt dejected. I worked incredibly hard on the paper. I read it and reread it. Edited it and re-edited it. Still, this particular professor (or the TA that nitpicked my paper) thought it was basically poor work. I've had problems with this professor in the past -- my academic adviser and the department chair even got involved the first semester I took him and they took my side in the situation -- but I still pray for him and I still try to look for the good in him. He does missionary work and helps children in third world countries that have speech problems. He does good work and I'm glad he shares what he learns from those trips with us... even if my pride takes a massive hit when things like this grade happen.

I'd be lying if I said the thought "why continue if I'm just going to keep hitting these roadblocks?" didn't pop into my mind. This degree has been incredibly hard to finish. It's not just me; it seems like many (possibly most) of those who go through the program repeat at least one course at some point and some decide to leave the program altogether. For another class, a classmate messaged everyone who is retaking the course for the second time and some have said that they may have to repeat the course again.

The joke that SLP students are on anti-anxiety medication exists for a reason, folks. This is a tough and demanding program and field. Those of you who haven't been reading this blog long enough may not know that this is my second round trying to finish this program/degree. I had to quit and leave the program/school nearly 2.5 years ago when I worked myself so hard to do well that I ended up getting sick... and I've yet to fully recover from it.

I keep wondering if I can keep going if I'm feeling fed up with it all because I am. I want to cry, I'm so overwhelmed. Not so much with the coursework; I've, thankfully, been able to resubmit most of the work I did last semester in order to save time. I've also done much better on the exams this time around. Still, I just feel pushed and forced into this path for financial reasons and that makes me a little depressed.

After tearing up and lamenting my grade, the Holy Spirit must've inspired me to think about the great professors and support system I have because I ended up crying again (this time, happy tears) as I reminisced and felt the love and support of former teachers and professors. I can still remember which teachers always encouraged me.

My second and third-grade teacher (she taught both grades) knew I wanted to be a lawyer (back then) and she told my parents -- in front of me, at an open house -- that she thought I could do it.

My fifth-grade teacher was the biggest academic cheerleader, telling me I had the brains to do whatever I wanted to do in life.

My sixth-grade math/science and English/history teachers gave me a "busy bee" award ("always working. always reading") and encouraged my love of books.

My seventh-grade science teacher defended me when I was badly bullied (long story) and encouraged me to keep going forward despite what the "crackheads" (he seriously called them that) were saying and doing to me.

My wonderful teachers when I transferred from regular high school to independent study through a charter school cheered me on, even when times were hard. My dad had been diagnosed with cancer when I was a junior in HS and had his surgery and chemotherapy before graduation. Through their support, I was able to finish half of my junior year and my entire senior year in a single semester and they even chose me to give the valedictorian-type speech at the graduation ceremony.

Mr. H (English professor whom I wrote about last month) and Mr. G (math professor) at Santa Monica College became my first academic cheerleaders in college.

At Pierce College, Dr. B (British Lit professor who became the inspiration for Prof. Normandy in the first Will and Lina novel) encouraged me to apply to Oxford University to transfer and Prof. W (academic counselor; professor) was the first professor to ever point out my writing abilities before I had even entertained the idea of writing as a career.

Ms. Lewis (from my alma mater; may she rest in peace) wasn't a professor but a counselor who was my only ally at my alma mater. I don't think I would've survived that horrible experience without her.

Dr. K at JP Catholic was incredibly encouraging during my brief stint as a graduate student. He knew about my accident and he was encouraging about my work, giving me the first (and only) A in grad school. (side note: shout out to Dr. K who had us read the Summa and got me on board the St. Thomas Aquinas fan club).

I'm not even counting my family and friends who know me and love me despite any academic hiccups I have along the way.

Recently one of my best friends posed a question no one had before: what if I didn't finish this degree? What's the worst that could happen? I had to stop and think about it. Worst case scenario: debt-city, baby. I have nearly $50k in student loans from 1 finished degree (which I've almost paid off completely) and 2 degrees I've started but haven't finished (MA in Theology; BS in Communicative Disorders). Finding a job that I can do with my (current) physical ailments and with a BA in Religious Studies (without teaching credentials) is near impossible, folks.

I talk about trusting God and yet I still tried to control my financial stability by picking career/degree that would help provide financial stability (this one). I've also tried to do a degree that didn't offer any stability but that I loved and then had to leave because my GPA dipped slightly under a 3.0 (2.94; seriously) following my car accident, thus making me ineligible to receive financial aid. I'm technically a student at FUS (I never declined their offer of admission) so I could finish my Master's degree but I think, if I end up having to leave this degree, I'm done with academia. I'm burnt out. I'll look for a job and let God take the reins though it's been hard since I graduated 5 years ago.

I close my eyes and imagine myself taking my academic/career issues and my health issues (particularly the pancytopenia which has been the most physically debilitating), kneeling down at the foot of the Cross, looking up at our crucified Lord and saying "these are my crosses and I don't know what to do. Please give me clarity as to how to carry them if it is Your will that I do so. If any of these things are not in Your plans for me, please make it clear so that I can leave them here, with You, and focus solely on what You want me to do."

So there's where I am. As I wrote a couple of blog posts ago, I had a feeling this was a possible outcome for me; that I wouldn't finish this program or not use this degree despite all the hard work I've put in. I'm still going to try very hard to do well on my finals and see what happens (though it will take a miracle to pass both classes at this point) and leave the rest up to God. I will work hard and do my best on my end but if things don't work out, He knows why.

I must trust in Him. I DO trust in Him. I just wish God would make His plans for me much clearer so I can do just them. I'm not afraid of the possibly of His calling me back to finish my Theology MA. I'm not afraid of the possibility of not finishing either degree. I'm not afraid taking on a job that would pay very little (enough just for the necessities of life). I just want to do His will.

See what the 30-day St. Joseph novena does to a gal? lol. 13 more days to go. Clarity, St. Joseph. That's all I want; I just want/need some clarity. In most areas of my life but particularly the career and academic area for now. I don't want to act on feelings because those can fool you so I'm going to finish this novena and pray for that clarity I so much desire.

Anyway, that's it for now. I've had this blog post idea (and most of it written out), sitting in my inbox for a couple of days and since I'm taking a tiny break from studying for my first final exam (which I hope to take between this coming Wednesday and Saturday), I thought I'd post it.

I hope you all have a lovely Divine Mercy Sunday and a great start of the week. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Back to the Scene of the Crime; CINO College Return

No, I did not commit an actual crime... but I did return to my alma mater. (insert smirk)

Before I go on, I'm going to point you new folks to the following blog posts from my time at that school because, well, I had a very interesting time at this school. A "traddie" leaning Catholic at a liberal "Catholic" college? Read for yourselves:
- First Impressions
- Back To School Week From Heck
- CINO (Catholic in Name Only) and Double Majors -- the most popular blog post for many years
- I'm Undercover at the CINO...
- The Lone Ranger Plus One
- It's Finally Happened...
- Quick Question... (CINO College Related)
- Ooh, My CINO College is in Trouble...
- Profs Don't Like Me But Like Abortion
- Well, I'm Not Stopping...
- Emmy, Defender of the Pope and Priests? 
- Lecture Notes from My CINO College Alma Mater

I attended my CINO college alma mater from 2010 to 2012, graduating in May 2012. The last time I was on campus (May 5, 2012) was for the Baccalaureate Mass since it's a "Catholic" (yep, still using those quotation marks) school. I said "I'm free! I'm never coming back here! Peace out, suckers!" Yeeeah. 4 years, 4 months, and 12 days later I set foot on campus once again and I've been there twice in the past week.

Prior to the beginning of this semester I couldn't find proctor that didn't charge an arm and a leg to get my exams proctored. Since I'm attending Utah State as a distance education/online student, I need to get all my exams (except, obviously, those that are open book) proctored. I didn't have that issue during my brief stint at JP Catholic because they trusted us to be truthful and not cheat during our exams but USU is a little more... cautious. I spent a couple of days emailing and/or waiting for responses from local schools about my exams. Only one said they were able to do it (and for free since I'm an alumna) -- my CINO college alma mater.

I was a little nervous about returning because of how I left; I was not liked when I was at that school. I shed a lot of tears and I was made to feel like a religious freak weirdo person because I wasn't a "liberal" like them. I still remember the looks I got when I veiled at the Red Mass my first year there; I was openly "traddie" and it was odd for them. I'm pretty sure at least one staff member/professor has read this blog at some point to make sure I wasn't outing them by name. (side note: for the record, I've never publicly named it for legal matters; they like to sue people.) I wasn't sure if I was going to see any of my former professors (who, I believe, are still working there) so it was going to be interesting for me. So far I haven't seen any professors but I still have 7 more months of exams that are getting proctored so there's always a chance I might.

The weird thing about my return was how at peace and at home I felt. No, really. It may because I've always felt at peace on campus (outside of the classroom, of course); being so close to the school chapel and spending so much time in there by myself when I was a student probably helped. Being surrounded by the beauty of nature, seeing so many beautiful statues... remembering what I went through, I loved it. I genuinely loved the couple of hours I was on campus this and last week. I even thought "well... this is always an option to get an Education MS with an emphasis on speech impaired and deaf students." (side note #2: yes, they offer the degree with that emphasis and it would go along with the current degree I'm working towards.) And, if that wasn't enough, it made me feel the way I felt when I was at that school: so in love with the Church and the faith that I couldn't (and still can't, to be honest) see myself doing anything else. It was like the return to campus rekindled the fire to learn as much as I could about the faith to teach younger generations the beauty and truth of the Church.

You know that horrible spiritual dryness I endured for weeks during this (late) summer? It's like it never happened. I was slowly coming out of it but my return to that school erased whatever remained of it. In fact, I was -- dare I say -- joyful. I was so happy; smiling and laughing and being a lot more charitable than I've felt in recent weeks. I haven't felt so at peace with everything for a long, long time. Passing 2 of my 3 exams (I failed one) and not having much time to study for the exams hasn't dampered my spirits. I even said to myself -- while I had a private, prayerful moment, on campus, prior to the exams -- that if I didn't pass my courses well enough to finish the degree, I would return to get my Theology MA. I was happy and at peace with that thought, too. For the record, I'm not saying I'm jumping ship on this degree or returning to JP Catholic but I'm open to whatever God has in store for me. If it's His will that I don't finish this degree for whatever reason or if He wants me to do something else, I'm totally onboard.

The point to this blog post is to say that I'm really glad I returned to my alma mater because it's helped me find myself and renew that faith once again... at the "Catholic" college where there are female (occasionally nun) professors who drag priests and Pope (Emeritus) Benedict XVI through the mud... and say it's okay for us to say that God is a woman. It's weird, right? Yep, keep surprising me, God. Now that I've quit making long-term plans, I can't wait to see what He has in store for me next. I have a feeling I'll get a lot more clarity as I continue to spend time on campus before and after exams.

Anyway, I want to rest my eyes and mind from all the non-stop studying and screen time so I'm going to go try to finish My Beloved: The Story of a Catholic Nun by Mother Catherine Thomas. Shout out to the Los Angeles Public Library for having a copy for me to read! (Shameless plug, you can also check out my author profile at Goodreads  -- if you haven't already -- while you're on the Goodreads website.)

I hope y'all are having a lovely start of the week!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Moving Forward with Trust and (Some) Confusion

This is how I've felt my moments of silence and prayer have gone lately:

Me: God, I'm confused. I thought I was supposed to take this one route yet things are working out for the other route.
God: Do you trust Me?
Me: Yes, I'm just confused as to why I feel like the other path was the one I was supposed to go down on but it didn't work out. I'm not even sure I like this other path.
God: Do you trust Me?
Me: Yes. I just don't know what I'm doing anymore. Have I been wrong all this time? Was I just supposed to get certain things out of my system by experiencing them so I could put all my effort into this other route?
God: Do you trust Me?
Me: Yes.
God: Then let go. Keep going down this path. Don't plan so far ahead and don't overthink things. Trust in Me and you'll get to where you're supposed to be.
Me: Okay. (inwardly panics because I like to have everything planned ahead of time.)

My eye-opening moments have not ceased since the last blog post I wrote. I feel like my entire world is getting turned upside, but in a good way. A lot of things that I was certain about? They no longer seem like they're what I expected. Example: grad school and career path.

I was certain that I was supposed to do the Theology MA degree. I felt in my element doing the coursework. I loved learning more about the faith. I did well (that C in Theology during the Fall quarter following my car accident notwithstanding). Then the whole thing with me having to suddenly leave JP Catholic happened. That was followed by the (also seemingly sudden) change back to the SLP field.

In a lot of ways, my eyes have been opened to the possibility that maybe the SLP field is where I belong after all. I've already done well in my previous course. I even have the option of taking an extra course to qualify for Latin Honors. (side note: I've declined because I don't need an extra class and I'm perfectly fine not getting honors at graduation; I'm not even planning on attending the graduation ceremony next May.)

It's been pointed out that I have a surprising amount of patience for children. It seems to be a sort of "superpower" because I can handle a lot of things most adults can't. Maybe not having children at 31 and having a desire for children makes me more patient. *shrugs* The children seem to respond well to me. Looking far younger than my years might be helping me there. I worked with a group of 3-5 year-olds with speech impediments two years ago and I had one very shy little guy open up to me after the first day. That helps a lot in this field, especially since my focus is on young children with speech impediments.

Perhaps I was meant to do a bit of the Theology MA before returning to the SLP field so I could be sure about my other discernment -- becoming a lay Dominican. My former SD did say I should finish school before I committed to going through that process. Maybe I was meant to see that this (Dominican instead of Carmelite) was the path I need to take while I work as an SLP/A. (Another side note: I'm currently not sure if I'll stay as an assistant or become a full SLP; I will revisit the idea in another two years). Not all lay Dominicans are professors or working in the education field. Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati was working towards his mining engineer degree before his death and he was a lay Dominican. Maybe I'll finish that Theology MA one day as a lay Dominican.

I've been having a lot of "well, that didn't work out as I planned but, okay, that actually makes a lot of sense" moments lately. I need to either see if my former SD would be willing to meet with me to help me figure this out or get some major peace about the new plans. Like I said, I feel like my world has been flipped upside down and I'm now taking things one day at a time. Besides the upcoming school year, I'm not planning anything else ahead of time. What's that saying? "If you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans"? Okay. No more planning. Taking things as they come. I'm down with that. Wait, are they kids still saying that? *shrugs* Playing it by ear, folks. ;)

So that's what's been up with me lately. I've been very, very physically fatigued lately but I kind of figured out that it was probably because we had maintenance workers at our apartment almost every day, all day for a couple of weeks and that just drained me of my introverted energy. If I need a day or two to recover from hanging out with friends, imagine how much more time I need to recover from having these gregarious (read: super extroverted) maintenance workers at my apartment for days and weeks at a time. I'll be fine. :D

Anyway, I think that's it from me for now. Gotta leave some things for the next blog post. ;)

I hope y'all are having a lovely week thus far! :)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Feverish Update

I'm currently sitting on my bed, trying to bring down my fever with cold, damp washcloths and cold tea. Cold tea isn't my favorite but I don't think my body would like hot liquids when I'm already warm. Since my stomach is sensitive and I can't take just any ol' fever reducer because some lower platelets, gotta exhaust the natural stuff first. Also, no doctor's appointments with my doctor until after August 30th. Seriously. I just called a few minutes ago. This is the second fever since Friday's fever but it's the first that's lasted more than 12 hours. Apparently there's a virus going around so I'm not too worried about it -- just gotta stay hydrated and rest as much as I can.

I know some of you are wondering about what's happened since my last blog post. Since then, I've sought the advice of friends who know me well and one theme kept coming back: go down the SLP route. It wasn't until a good friend pointed out something to me that made me decide to return to this path. "Wait, didn't you discard those options before?" I had... again, until I realized one big major thing: I wasn't factoring in how it would affect my mom.

Mom has been super supportive of whatever I want to do. I think she might feel like I've sacrificed too much to help her and Dad (when he was still alive) which is why she's supported my Theology degree path. Yes, even though I've been warned about how little money there is in the field, she's been onboard. I just always figured God would help provide along the way. However, it became increasingly obvious over the weekend that mom isn't going to make it to 65, the retirement age she prefers. She's only about 3 years away from that but I don't see her lasting more than another year or two. After 40+ years of all the manual labor, her body just can't keep going. When she told me that she wanted to get another vacation break (after just having one earlier this month) in September and this time she wanted it to be 2 weeks instead of one because her body was exhausted, I knew I had only one choice: to take a little detour from Theology so that my mom can retire sooner than I can take care of this household with my own paycheck.

I'll admit, I was both disappointed and nervous about returning to the SLP field. Disappointed because I can see that my passion lies in Theology and it just felt like I was supposed to be on that path. Nervous because my anemia popped up during my first stint at Utah State. I lost all that weight and my cell lines were affected. That fear that the same would happen entered my mind and it wouldn't go. Then two things happened: St. Therese taught me a lesson AND a mistaken grade gave me a bit of confidence.

I remembered that St. Therese had to wait a couple of years to enter the Carmelites and how bitterly disappointed she was to have to wait. I'm not saying that her entering the Carmelites and my waiting to continue my Theology degree are comparable but it was a lovely reminder that sometimes we have to wait to do what we feel is God's will for us. She did eventually enter, just like I will (God willing) eventually return to finish the degree. I can offer up the disappointment in the meantime.

Also, it turns out my final grade for my final course at JP Catholic was slightly higher than I had anticipated. Still not high enough to keep my financial aid available (I ended up with 2.97 GPA) but It was completely unexpected but very timely. I actually managed to pull off a decent grade with the anemia that returned during the quarter as well as the lack of study time because the maintenance workers were in and out of the apartment, working on fixing the bathroom. (side note: nope, it's still not done, 8 months after they gutted it). I worked hard and I did it. Maybe I can do the same this second time around. I've finally found a study schedule that works for me and my doctor ordered some folic acid, iron, and vitamin C tablets to help with the anemia. (Thanks to all the blood work she had them do, she saw that my folate level is half of what it should be which is why I can't kick the anemia for long periods of time.)

I applied as a returning student to Utah State yesterday. I left in good standing from both that school and JP Catholic so nothing was going to keep me from having a clean record. I've also had my transcripts sent to Utah State from JP Catholic (even though it was a different subject and degree). Now all I have to do is wait... and pray.

I hope I'm doing the right thing. If it's God's will that I do Theology, I hope He doesn't mind the detour for a year or so to take care of financial matters for Mom and I. If I do get accepted to return, I'm only 8 courses short of my second Bachelor's degree and should be able to graduate early next May. After receiving my degree, I'll do 100 supervised hours at a local university (two courses which will be paid out of pocket... ouch) for 8-10 weeks and then I will be officially licensed to work as an SLPA in the state of CA.

Anyway, that's where I am right now. No longer aimless but just disappointed that I couldn't do my Theology degree first. As I said, not enough experience and/or requirements to work in the archdiocese just yet. :( I simply need to remind myself that this is a sacrifice I need to make for the good of this household... one that I hope to do with joy. I can't be selfish even though I sometimes wish I could be. I am human, after all.

Alright, I'm going to go try to rest. I'm not used to not doing anything so this is going to be harder than it sounds. Seriously, binge watching feels unnatural to me but it may be the only thing that will keep me from moving around and being active when I should be resting and letting my body try to fight off whatever is causing the fever and headache. :)

I hope y'all have had a lovely beginning of week!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

What a Difference a Year Makes

This is a screencap of a status update from exactly one year ago on my private Facebook account.

I was in my second semester of Communicative Disorders and Deaf Education at Utah State. Though I definitely enjoyed the program (even when I was uber stressed out), the desire to start my Theology MA courses was strong. Still, I was in the program and thought of ways to finish the Speech-Language Pathology (SLP) degrees because it was what I felt pressured to do.

Yes, I wanted to do speech pathology because I loved the fact that I was helping others. I loved working with kids (and they seemed to like me when I did tests/screenings on them.) The fact that SLPs and SLPAs (assistants) are in high demand in L.A. -- especially those of us who are bilingual -- and that it would help our (mom and my) financial worries was a bonus. Still, it wasn't for me. I tried. I fought hard. My friends rooted me on. Maybe a little too hard.

Whenever I brought up the fact that my heart wasn't fully in the SLP program and that I felt the intense pull to do my Theology MA, I was reminded of financial stresses. I had so many people try to dissuade me from the Theology path. "There is no money in it." "It's hard to find jobs (that aren't teaching) in the field." Sometimes I would cry just thinking about how much pressure I felt to finish the program and start working... and to forget about the Theology MA.

We all know what happened. I failed. I got sick. It took me about 6 months just to get out of the underweight category for my weight/height. It took another 2-3 months to get rid of the anemia. Why? I overworked myself. I let the outside pressure blind me. I'm not blaming others. I made my own decisions. I know friends tried to root me on because they know how financially stressed mom and I have been since dad's death. With how much we pay for rent (ridiculously high in this city), bills, etc... we can get really stressed out. Friends just tried to use that to motivate me. They meant went. However, I should've listened to my heart which was leading me down the path I'm currently on.

This past year has been about learning to trust God. I still get the same talking points from friends. "The field is hard to get into." I know. "You won't earn much." That's okay. "You will probably end up teaching." Well, it's a good thing I have years worth of experience as a tutor and a teacher's aide so I know I can handle it. With my anxiety no longer being an obstacle, I've already taken the first steps to get involved in teaching and working in youth ministry.

I've prayed about my vocation (small v) long enough to know when I'm blinded by fear (which is also a lack of trust in God). While I know that getting a Theology MA won't bring as many employment opportunities as an SLP MS would, I'm doing something that I feel that God wants me to do. That's enough for me. He will provide. I still think I had to fail in order to humble myself from the years worth of academic pride that I had accumulated. I'm okay with that. It's helped me grow as a person.

The more "On This Day" updates I get from Facebook, the more certain I am that I made the right decision in the end. It was right for me to let go of my academic pride and to take care of myself -- something which was hard but that I learned was necessary. God has been providing for mom and I in little ways (seriously, how are my novels still selling when I don't actively advertise them?) and I know He will continue to do the same after I finish this program.

I know these "serious" blog posts haven't been popular but, you know what, it's my blog. Yes, I do see everything as a learning experience; as another opportunity to learn to know and love God. Yes, I share these experiences because (for me personally) I know how someone's experience can help inspire/motivate someone who may be in the same boat. I'm sorry if people don't want to read them but it's just who I am and these are my thoughts and for that I won't apologize. :) This blog has always been titled Journey of a Catholic Nerd Writer because it's what I share in my life. :)

Anyway, just something I wanted to share my experience about learning to trust because I've seen friends in similar situations that I was a year ago. Trust God and let go of outside influences. Thank everyone for their support (even when it feels like they're trying to steer you in a different direction) but remember that He is the one who will lead you down the exact path you're meant to be on. :)

That's it from me for now. I rented Cinderella (which I never saw in theaters) and Little Boy (which I did watch in theaters) from Redbox and I want to get to them tonight. :D

I hope y'all have a great rest of week. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

I Was Accepted to Franciscan's Grad School!

Just a quick post for y'all who are off social media but are following the blog: I've been officially accepted to Franciscan University of Steubenville's Theology and Christian Ministry graduate program. Man, that's a mouthful. I was actually accepted two weeks ago but an error in mailing address prevented me from receiving the news earlier. Good thing I called last week to inquire about it or else I would've still not known. lol.

Technically, it's conditional because the courses I took at my alma mater (for my Religious Studies BA) were insufficient to begin the Master's program; I'd have to wait and take a couple of undergrad courses before I could officially begin the program. This is no surprise because the courses I took at my uber liberal "Catholic" alma mater were bunk. Let's be honest, I didn't learn anything except how much people love to trash the Church. Oh, and that they really give you the stink eye if you wear a chapel veil/mantilla to a Mass on-campus. Oh, alma mater... I miss the stink eye and the making me cry in class because I was the campus "traddie." lol. Kidding!

Yep, that's my news for now. I've been accepted to Christendom College, FUS, and now I'll await to hear from JP the Great Catholic University before making my decision on where I'm headed this upcoming Fall. I do have my first choice school and all of that but I'm waiting until everything gets back (as it's always been my plan, since I first applied). :D

And now back to your regularly scheduled procrastinating online. ;)

I Was Accepted to Christendom's Grad School!

It started off like any normal day. I got up. I received a call that my godson's surgery went well. I prayed the Little Office of the Blessed Virgin Mary while cooking breakfast. I ate. I ran errands. I picked up mom from work. I then went to spiritual direction.

I returned home from spiritual direction, upset that I had taken chalk but failed to get it blessed because my spiritual director and I got into an awesome conversation about saints. I opened up an Epiphany gift from a family friend. 

After gushing over the gift, I went down to the mailbox. I saw the mess the mailman left. I groaned. "Dude, c'mon. I know you and I don't like each other but why did you have to do this?" I looked at the overstuffed mailbox. There was something from our parish addressed to my mom. Lots of flyers from local stores. Hidden in the corner, a large manila envelope. "Huh. Did someone send me an Epiphany gift?"

I took the envelope out and looked at the address. "Notre Dame Graduate School of Christendom College." Surprise! I wasn't expecting to hear from either Christendom or Franciscan University of Steubenville (where I also applied to grad school) until next week at the earliest. I piled the rest of the contents of the mailbox on top of the mailboxes. There's only one thing I could do: find out the decision.

In a weird moment, I remembered the episode where Rory Gilmore was accepted to Harvard, Yale, etc. All those big packets in the Gilmore mailbox. "Thick packets usually means good news," I told myself. "No, I must wait to read it before I get too excited."

I turned the envelope around and proceeded to try to get it open. I struggled a bit, of course. I eventually get it open, taking out the thick packet carefully. It's a blue folder with a letter paper-clipped to it. I began reading:

"Dear Melissa," it said. "Congratulations! Your application..." I stopped reading and rushed to see where I could find the word "accepted." Ah, there it is on the second line; only it says "approved."

I jumped up and down in the mail room. "I gotta share this with mom! Oh, and the manager is probably watching me through the cameras -- and probably making fun of me since I'm acting like a child right now -- but I don't care." 

I gathered up all the mailbox contents and ran upstairs. I told my mom as soon as I opened the door, even before I stepped inside. She congratulated me. The next two minutes were a blur. Somewhere in there I shared the photo on Instagram. In the caption I added: "Best Epiphany gift ever!" It really is.

There were so many of you who prayed that I would get into either Christendom or Franciscan (still waiting to hear back from them as well) and I did! Thank you! I'll await Franciscan's decision before I make my final decision. There are a lot of factors that will go into the decision making (mostly financial)... but the fact that I now have an option to attend grad school in the fall is amazing. Seriously, thank you all who prayed for me! Once the excitement dies down a little I'll write a decent post. ;)

As always, thanks for reading (and praying!!) and God bless! :D

2014: The Year This Nerd Became Brave

As I was looking back at this past year, I noticed that I did a lot of things (I packed more in a single year than I had in the past 6 years combined) because I made an unofficial resolution to be brave. If you know me, you know that the words "brave" and "Emmy" were rarely used in a single sentence... until this year. There is a lot I can cover but here at the major highlights:

1) I had two novels published in the span of 7 months.
I'm sure I don't have to tell you guys about this since the print versions (as well as the novel sequel in eBook) version were just released a week ago but my biggest professional highlight was finally getting my novels published. I had worked on Will and Lina: When Two Worlds Collide since 2008 (the original draft is nowhere near what it ended up being; one day I'll reveal how the story was original supposed to end) and I wrote the entire first draft of Will and Lina: London Calling last November. This year I edited them (with help from Kiera), worked on the covers, and I made my dreams come true by publishing years worth of hard work. The fact that I had the guts to say "Okay, I want to do this so I'm going to do it" and of not letting my nervousness get the best of me was a huge deal. I've always loved writing (obviously; I've been blogging for 7 years now!) but it wasn't until this year that I really worked hard at letting my "babies" out into the world. Even though I did stress myself out a little with deadlines and formatting issues, finally seeing my novels published was one of the most rewarding things I've ever done... and it's something that I know I will continue to do in the future.

2) I learned that sometimes the best thing is to do is let go so you can move forward.
Some of my biggest triumphs of the year in the "bravery" category had me walking away from things that I did not want to let go of. I walked away from a career path that I was loving but had to let go of because the school environment was making me physically ill. I let go of the fear of financial instability by admitting that I was at my happiest pursuing Theology and Religious Studies degrees and I would much rather do that than Speech-Language Pathology (though, mark my words, I will finish that someday.) I know jobs for Theology M.A.s are hard to come by but I'm not worried. This is what I want to do with my life -- what I feel called to do now that I've stopped trying to control the outcome. I let go of my fear of illness, which I developed when my father was first diagnosed with cancer several years ago. Yes, my platelets and iron are still on the low side and, no, I don't know when/if I'll get better... but I'm not worried about it. I know God will take care of me and, if this is just a cross I have to carry, then I will do it to the best of my abilities. I've found myself so much happier just letting go, moving forward, and not looking back. Oh, and please don't start singing that song from Frozen; I can't stand it.

3) My anxiety became manageable for the first time since I was first diagnosed with anxiety/panic disorder at 15.
I owe a big "thank you" to my therapist (whom I saw from March through the first week of August) because she helped me immensely. After that horrible incident in February, I was in full-on PTSD mode. In cognitive-behavioral therapy I not only learned that I had PTSD, I also learned how to deal with it. Since then I've still had some anxiety come and go (which is normal; that won't disappear altogether overnight), but it's no longer an issue when it comes to making plans. I've gone out so much this year (mainly to Disneyland with friends; it's kind of our thing) and my social life is so much better than it has been in years because I finally said "well, flip that table, anxiety. You're not the boss of me!" I can take public transportation (by myself... a huge feat I hadn't done since 2005.) I can drive long distances. I can do so many things because I refuse to let anxiety run my life... and it's been wonderful.

4) My biggest act of bravery was being honest with myself across the board.
It took a lot for me to sit down and, basically, be honest with myself. There were so many things that I had been in denial of for a number of reasons. It took a lot of courage for me to admit that school was causing me more harm than good because I had invested so much into it. To leave the SLP program (as well as stick up for myself against unfair professors) without even finishing the semester was uncharacteristic of me. I felt like a failure for a while... but then I realized that I wasn't. I tried and it didn't work out because it wasn't meant to be. I gave it my all and I pushed myself as much as I could and I'm proud of myself for that. To be able to say "okay, I tried this and it didn't work" and "okay, I need to make these changes to better my life" and then actually implement the changes was what made my year incredibly satisfying.

I look back at 2014 and I go "man, I went through a lot" because I did. I went through health issues, finance instability, career/academic disappointments, and a number of other things that were major turning points in my life. I see all the tears, pain, heartbreak, and disappointment that I felt... but none of it compares to the warmth, love, laughter, happiness, and achievement that I've also felt. Yes, the year stunk like a poopy diaper but I'm genuinely happy. I'm happier than I've been in a long time and I feel much freer than I have since before my dad died 5 years ago. I'm incredibly excited at all the brand new opportunities that I have in life all because I decided to be brave. I didn't run away and hide; I stood up and said "I'm sorry but I'm not going to let you define me." To quote the gif (from the web series Emma Approved): Holy Oprah, what just happened?! Who is this girl and how can I get her to stay? ;)

Anyway, I won't make traditional New Years resolutions because I don't want to limit my growth as a person. There is still a lot left to do but it'll all happen in God's time. In the meantime I'll just try to keep building on the courage I've gained this year and I hope that it will also translate in my faith which, sadly, took a back seat to school and work for the majority of the year.

Thank you all for sharing this year with me. You've helped enrich my year way more than y'all will know. I hope y'all stick around for the (undoubtedly) amazing adventures that 2015 has in store for all of us. Verso l'alto! :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

How I Said "Yes" to God This Week

I will admit, I did not know about this #GraceOfYesDay until the pre-dawn hours this morning. I've been so disconnected from Catholic social media (thanks for that, COMD program... more on that in a bit) that I had missed the memo. However, I'll tell you how I said "yes" to God this week. First, the background story.

As some of you (especially those following me on Twitter) know, it was decided that taking a permanent leave of absence from USU's Communicative Disorders and Deaf Education program was the best option for me. "Superwoman," as some of my friends jokingly call me, hit her "do not pass go; do not collect $200" limit last week. And the decision to leave wasn't done on impulse; it involved a lot of prayer over several weeks.

I had two exams last week, one for Statistics and another for Audiology. At this time, I have not received my Statistics exam score but I was pulling a B or B+ in the class so I'm not worried there. As for audiology, I failed. I spent days (all day on some days) studying. I was so focused on memorizing things and on watching lectures that my mom had to help make me lunch and/or dinner so that I would eat; I literally didn't have the time to make myself something to eat because of the amount of material covered on the exam. I took about 30 pages of handwritten notes. I made flash cards. I woke up early on exam day to go over the notes one last time. I went in confident that I was going to ace the exam... and came out of it earning a 58/98. It was the exam that I studied the hardest for and it was the lowest exam grade I had received on an audiology exam. With that failed exam, there wasn't a way I was going to pass the course with anything better than a C+; a course that was a prerequisite for other courses next semester. Later that day, I received news that a professor's TA (the same class in which the professor falsely accused me of plagiarizing a bibliography) had given me a 9/15 on an assignment I worked hard on; one that I turned in early. She claimed I hadn't submitted all the documentation necessary to complete the assignment when, in fact, I had. The grades stand in that professor's class (even when it's their mistake) so that would've given me a C+ in the class. It doesn't sound like failing except that USU has a "B- or better" policy in grades so I would have had to repeat the course. All of that would've put me back a couple of semesters which meant more loans and more stress on my health that I simply could not afford.

As I've mentioned in previous posts, the stress of the courses has greatly affected my health. I haven't weighed myself in a week or so but I was underweight the last time I checked. The stress headaches I was getting when studying for exams were horrific. I wasn't sleeping or eating well. After working my tush off and trying to push myself beyond my limit, I couldn't overcome some of the obstacles thrown my way. The professor's accusatory episode aside, there were a number of other things thrown my way that I now look at as signs that this wasn't meant to be for me. Does this mean I regret taking this path? Not one minute.

I'm incredibly grateful for having had the experience. Thanks to my time in this program, I've been able to show myself that I am capable of so much than I had previously thought possible. While I had once thought that I wasn't capable of teaching in a classroom setting due to my anxiety, the observation/"hands on" hours working with children who are in need of speech therapy showed me that I could. The unfortunate episode with the professors also made me want to teach because it reminded me of how important teachers and professors are at all academic levels. Not only that, the program really made me learn to trust God. I placed everything in His hands in the past couple of weeks. "If you want me to continue down this path, please help me pass these exams. If I don't pass them, I'll know that you want me to go for my Theology M.A." Novenas, prayers from my mom and friends, lots of studying hours, and looking into Plan C (no, I didn't want to leave the program completely) and I still wasn't passing. That's when I knew that I had to say "yes" to God and trusting Him with my career path.

If you've been reading this blog throughout my SLP journey, you know that I initially took this path for financial stability. Yes, I would be helping people (which is what I've wanted to do since I was a child) but ultimately I just wanted to be able to help take care of household expenses. Freelance writing wasn't helping and there weren't (and still aren't) many jobs I could do with a Religious Studies B.A. I've wanted to work for/with/in the Church since my reversion. The passion and fire to help others discover the Truth has always been there... but the job market made me scared. It wasn't until I decided to leave everything in God's hands a few weeks ago that I realized that I wasn't trusting Him to help me find a job upon completion of the M.A. Fail, Emmy... massive fail.

I'm leaving my career path (just like I'm leaving my vocation) in God's hands. I will do His will if He helps me figure out what He wants me to do. I've felt at peace about leaving the SLP path and taking a leave of absence from USU since I received my exam score on Friday. Seriously, I felt amazingly at peace when I saw the test score and knew I wouldn't be continuing. I'm disappointed that something I worked hard towards won't result in anything but a good learning experience for me... but I'm relieved at the same time. I'll be de-stressing over the next couple of weeks (though still working on editing the novel sequel). I'm also incredibly excited about what He has in store for me. I've already sent in my applications to two (for now) wonderfully orthodox Catholic colleges/universities and I hope that I get accepted by one of them. If you can please say a prayer that I get accepted wherever God wants me, I'd greatly appreciate it.

For the tl;dr crowd: I have said "yes" to (what I feel is) God directing my path towards a Theology M.A. and, eventually, to sharing the Truth to the next generation(s) to the best of my abilities. The road is unknown and the job market for those with a Theology M.A. is scary at times but I'm choosing to follow His will (or at least what I think is His will for me) and not doing what will bring me selfish comfort.

And that's it for now. The St. Cecilia novena will continue to be posted until the 21st. I won't get a chance to post the links tomorrow but they're all scheduled to be posted at 8 a.m. PST regardless of whether I tweet/link it in the FB page or not. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless. :D

The End of the SLP vs Theology Roller Coaster Ride

Your eyes don't deceive you, this is an actual (new) blog post. Hooray! lol. Sorry about the almost two week "cone of silence." I had a couple of major exams to do and last week was my busiest week of the semester (I lost track of how many assignments were due in the span of 4 days) so I spent my week studying, finishing my research paper, and completing the rest of my assignments. To say that I'm mentally exhausted at this point would be somewhat accurate. I was actually much more tired at the end of last week but I have a very easy week this week so I'm getting my second wind, academia-wise.

I had some major decisions to make during the past two weeks, mainly having to do with academic and career paths. As many of you know, I've been considering finishing out this semester and leaving the COMD program because of how stressful it's been and how it's affected my health. My weight is back down to the underweight range and the anxiety I worked hard to get under control over the summer has returned. It's just not a pretty picture. The anxiety has been manageable (thanks be to God) but I'm not sure how much longer I'll be able to keep it from turning into a full blown panic attack.

I'll admit, I had a good cry two weekends ago. I was so overwhelmed and I felt so pressured that I felt I had reached my breaking point. I couldn't listen to the recorded lecture of a particular professor without crying. I'd been bottling up the majority of my stress for so many weeks that I just needed the release... and my usual method of release is to have a good cry. I cried, went to bed early, and woke up feeling better. I think the reason for that was because I decided to leave everything in God's hands.

Have you ever worked so hard on something (giving it more than you've ever given anything else) to have that thing not work out for you? That's kind of the boat I'm in right now. I've worked hard in this program (sometimes not eating and/or sleeping because of how much needs to be done) and to be barely passing the courses is kind of a blow. Unfortunately, I'm not the only one in this program who is going through it. I've spoken to a number of my classmates and they're also experiencing this crushing blow to their self-esteems (their words, not mine) during the semester. Many of us want to leave the program because of issues we're having either with professors or the classes themselves. Please pray for us all!

... and now I've gotten off track. The decision of leaving everything in God's names and not worrying about things is taking a lot of pressure and stress off of me. I had my chat with Him in Adoration last Friday and I'm at peace with having a plan B and a plan C in case the SLP path doesn't work out for me. After all, I'm not going to be doing what I want but what He wants of me; His will, not mine.

Plan A is to continue (and finish) this program if I pass this semester... and I'm going to need a lot of prayers as I heard one course next semester is the hardest in the program. Upon completion the program, I'll be finishing the rest of my fieldwork hours (a total of 110 are necessary in the state of CA) through an accredited school and then applying for my license as soon as I finish them. I'll work for a little bit before applying to grad school for my Theology M.A.

Plan B: If I don't pass a class or two this semester, I'll be leaving the COMD program at USU. It's not worth the stress or the $ I'm paying to have to re-do certain classes with certain professors. If this happens, I could possibly take the Spring semester off and apply to grad schools for my Theology M.A. I've already been in contact with a couple of schools so I'm prepared to take that route if I need to earlier than originally planned.

Plan C: If I want to continue the SLP path (and I feel like I should, despite everything), the plan is to apply for entrance at a local community college that is accredited by the state to get all the fieldwork hours and the rest of my courses completed before I can apply for my license. The only downside to this is that it would take me an extra year or so to complete as the program at the local CC is different than USU's and thus has different requirements. I'd be applying for my Theology M.A. after a brief academic break to work.

As you can see, I'm still pursuing my Theology M.A. no matter what happens. When I (briefly) considered taking a leave of absence this semester and considered going straight to grad school next autumn, I felt at peace. Just thinking that I'll eventually go for my Theology M.A. makes me incredibly happy. I once thought I wouldn't go down the teaching route but I've had a change of heart.

If I learned anything from this program (other than homegirl can handle so much more stress than I thought possible), it's that I work well with children and I love teaching them. I tutored after graduation (for my first BA) and I've work with children for my labs and observation hours for this program and I absolutely love it. I definitely have the patience to teach (SLP is, in a weird way, all about teaching as well) and I'm a big kid at heart so it's a good fit for me. I'm also open to working in youth ministry (yes, I can feel some of you cringing but I don't care). The bottom point is that I feel like I'm meant to work with youth (either children or teenagers). Whether that will be in the SLPA or Theology fields remains to be seen.

So... there you have it. That's the end of the SLP vs Theology roller coaster ride. I should also say that I'm also open to working in the "Theology" field is the opportunity presents itself before I finish either program. I know I'm meant to work in the field so it's really up to God when He thinks I'm ready for it. SLP has always been a small detour to getting there. God is in control and I have absolutely no problem letting Him guide my path.

Even though I'm a lot less "must ace everything... must ace everything..." than I was prior to these decisions, I am still giving the rest of the semester / program all my best so I need to go study for my upcoming Audiology exam this Friday. Prayers, please? Thank you in advance!

And that's all for now. I need to go pick up mom from work, then finish cleaning the house, and then doing the lectures for Audiology. I will try to blog again before the week ends. :)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Goodbye SLP MS, Hello Theology MA?

In the past couple of weeks I've been feeling like maybe I shouldn't continue down the SLP path. I'm not going to quit the program. I'm going to see this degree through. I don't quit so easily. Do I get discouraged? Yes. To the point of quitting? No. I will finish the Bachelor of Science degree and do my hours to get my SLPA (speech-language pathology assistant) license. However, I feel as if maybe I shouldn't continue down the Master of Science path.

I'll be completely honest with y'all... I only went down this route because my family needed the financial stability. If we didn't, I would've probably been doing my Theology MA right now. 11 months ago, I wrote:

I'm only doing this in the meantime (the financial crunch in an expensive city is real, y'all) and that I will pursue a Master of Arts in Theology when things are a little more financially stable (and I am more prepared to teach or do something with the degree)... I feel like this is where God wants me now.

While I don't regret taking this path, it's become clear that the M.S. program wouldn't be the best fit for me. Before I go into why, let me just say that I still firmly believe that I'm in the right field (for now)... but that I would be content being an assistant. I won't get to officially diagnose the clients or create their treatment plan but I would still be able to carry out the treatment plan that a fully licensed SLP created. Most importantly (for me), I will still be able to help my family out financially, which is why I did this in the first place.

Here's why I don't think the M.S. would be a good fit for me. First and foremost, my health is being affected in a big way. A year ago, I was on the mend. I was getting healthier. I was gaining weight after those stomach problems I had. All that progress? Gone.

I'm going to break one of the cardinal girl rules; I'm going to tell you my weight. I'm between 115.6 and 117.8 most weeks when I have classes in this program. I went up a couple of pounds on my two-week summer break; back down the second week of classes. Now, remember that I'm 5'7" so I should be between about 120 and 135 for my height. I was about 128 lbs. when I was at the CINO college a couple of years ago. That's my normal weight and has been for most of my adult life. Yes, I wasn't happy at the CINO college but I also wasn't losing weight.

The stress I feel in this program is literally making me sick... and this is just the post-BA, pre-MS program. Imagine if I went onto doing two more years of the M.S. program. No, thank you. There's a "joke" that SLP grad (and even post-BA, pre-MS) students are on anti-anxiety meds for a reason. It's just a stressful field. I do enjoy the hard work and I love working with the kids... but, for once, I need to put myself first. It's hard for me but I know I need to.

I'm so happy that I worked through my PTSD symptoms months ago so I haven't had any panic attacks or anything of the like. I did have major anxiety last week but that was stress-induced and I was still able to function with it. However, I don't think I want to push myself further in terms of seeing how much stress I can handle before I have an anxiety relapse.

There is one bigger factor in my potential (though seemingly decided) decision to stop at the B.S. for SLP and go onto my Theology M.A. next: the desire in my heart to teach Theology and/or work for the Church in some way has never burned brighter than it has in the past several weeks. It sounds a bit dramatic but I feel like my heart just aches for it. I know my vocation is (sadly) not as a religious sister but this intense desire to serve God has grown exponentially and I feel like getting my Theology M.A. is the next step to doing just that. This is something I'll be discussing with my spiritual director when I see him this week.

I feel like I had two big revelations over the last couple of months, both vocation related. As always, I'm keeping the vocation vocation part to myself. No one is surprised there. lol. As for my career/vocation: there is a big desire to go receive my M.A. from a faithful Catholic college/university. I had ruled out teaching only because I didn't think I was able to do it with my anxiety but I no longer have that fear; I can do it. I can no longer ignore that desire out of fear of not being knowledgeable enough, not having the courage to do it, or the fear of not finding a job (because I do know jobs for Theology MAs are scarce.)

Does this mean "goodbye, SLP M.S. and hello, Theology M.A."? It just might. I still need to pray about it, talk to my SD, and see what happens. I do plan on spending more time in front of the tabernacle (I over-study so I need the breaks anyway) so we'll see what He has in store for me. I don't want to make too many plans until I am certain of what I will be doing.

Anyway, this was just me thinking out loud. :)

That's it for now. I have to go do something productive... like studying for Statistics... or looking to see if I even need Stats if I decide to apply to a Theology M.A. program in the next couple of weeks. ;)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

What I Learned Wednesday #21: Big News Edition

1) If you haven't already heard via the blog's FB page or my Twitter account, here is my big news: I was formally accepted into Utah State University's Communicative Disorders and Deaf Education program. That's a mouthful. lol. I received an email yesterday (almost as soon as I woke up) congratulating me. It was extra special (for me) to have received the news yesterday, too. As I tweeted,

Well, got a rose from St. Therese (about school) on her feast day and was accepted on St. Teresa of Avila's feast day. Well played. lol.
— Emmy Cecilia (@nerdwriter) October 15, 2013

If you've been a reader since the blog's first year (some of you have stuck around these past - almost - 6 years), you know that I have a special devotion to St. Teresa of Avila ever since I had that dream about her. I'm a big fan of the Discalced Carmelites as well so yesterday was the perfect day for the news. I have a feeling I'm going to have her and St. Therese (and the Immaculate Heart of Mary) on my mind throughout the entire program since I did novenas to all three of them (though not all for school) during the entire application to decision process.

2) If you're wondering if this means I'm giving up on my Theology M.A. or on writing about Catholicism because I'll be focusing on Speech-Language Pathology, the answers is a big NO. As I posted a couple of weeks ago (after my big post on my fears about doing a "secular" job), I feel like this is where God wants me now. I really need to strengthen my knowledge of theology before I can hope to either teach it or do something with it. The plan is that I will do Speech-Language Pathology first and then do Theology due to familial and financial responsibilities that I have. Of course, now my journey will include me trying to incorporate what I learn as a speech therapist into my faith (and vice versa) so there will always be new material to cover in the blog. It will be a challenge as I was told how intense SLP programs can be but nothing worth having or doing is easy (even trying to lead a holy life is hard with all the temptations to sin) so it'll be good for me to try to find a good balance between school/career and faith. God and my faith are the most important things in my life (though, obviously, God trumps all) so it'll be interesting to see what happens.

3) I don't start my classes until next May (first time in years I'll have classes on my birthday) so I will have time to focus on my CINO college project. And, actually, after the response about submitting stories from elementary school through high school, I decided to open it up to submissions at any and all grade levels as long as they took place at CINO schools. We really need to do something about this horrible epidemic... and it is an epidemic at this point. I've seen well education young women get their orthodox beliefs warped by liberation theology and I can only guess that there must be schools that start their students with some terribly unorthodox beliefs/theology as well. So, please, submit any and all stories you have so we can make a stronger case against funding and/or sending students to these so-called "Catholic" schools. There are so many good school that are faithful yet struggle to remain open. It's really a pity and I really want to help as much as I can. The first posts regarding this will start next week.

I'm seriously behind on reading so I'm going to go do that. I've just started feeling better from the stress so I'm going to try to continue trying to relax until the knots in my shoulders are gone. :) 

Oh! There is a chance of potentially having good news tomorrow morning (that involves finally being able to receive the Eucharist for the first time since early June) so please say a little prayer for me if you can.

That's it for now. :D I hope y'all have been having a great week thus far. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

7 Quick Takes Vol. 6: Happiness Is... Edition

-- 1 --

Happiness is... my spiritual direction meeting going well. Yesterday's meeting made me feel better about the decisions I have made regarding my career path and vocation. I was able to work through some things that were stopping me before and now I'm at peace with my decisions. The feeling of tranquility is a welcome change after three previous of stress and crying jags.

-- 2 --

Happiness is... choosing to do Speech-Language Pathology for the right reasons. I was worried that I would be choosing this path for the wrong reasons but, ultimately, I remembered why I wanted to choose this new path. Once my career in the field is established, I will go after the Master's in Theology. Like (new mama) Julie and my spiritual director said, I am young enough to still do both. And, as my SD jokingly said, I don't look old enough to teach Theology just yet. lol.

-- 3 --

Happiness is... feeling reassured that my initial discernment of being called to be a wife and mother some day seems to be the right one. I figured out what was stopping me from really getting out there and start dating again. Simply put, I got too comfortable being single. Y'all know that I don't like blogging about this part of my life but I will make a quick exception this time. I purposely took myself out of the "dating market" because my focus for a long time was on helping others and not so much on doing things for myself. Lately I've been feeling like it's time to go forward in that area. And that's all you're getting. ;)

-- 4 --

Happiness is... having fun freelance writing assignments this week. Though I had more work than usual, the assignments were quite short and easy to write so I had a lot of free time on my hands. This normally doesn't happen. I'm usually either swamped with work or I have no work at all. I like the balance I had this week and hope that it continues.

-- 5 -- 

Happiness is not... realizing that the Year of Faith is almost done and I am way behind on my Catechism reading. The project of reading the entire Catechism in a single year was going well until they pulled the plug for legal reasons and had to start using the YouCat version. I personally don't like the YouCat version too much so I'm trying to go through with the original plan. I'll get there. My goal for October is to finish reading it before the month ends.

-- 6 --

Happiness is not... having insomnia for the past week. I honestly don't know why I can't fall asleep early. I don't think I've ever had this problem either. The only day I was zonked out before midnight was on the night that baby Grace (Julie's cutie pie daughter) was born. I ended up missing the text when she was born because I was so exhausted that night. Of course. Besides that one good day, I've struggled to fall asleep before 1:30 a.m., despite still having the 4:30 a.m. wake up time. I even struggle to nap before 5:30 a.m., which is just weird for me. No me gusta.

-- 7 --

Happiness is... getting a ton of snail mail from friends. Y'all know how to make a girl happy. Kendra's little guy, Henry, even sent artwork he made for me. I posted the picture up on Twitter and my Instagram if anyone wants to see his mad art skills. Oh, and P.S., if any guy ever wants to woo me, this is how to do it. I'm a sucker for a well written letter.

For more Quick Takes, visit Conversion Diary!

And now I'm off to finish my last writing assignment for the week. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

The Fear of Not Being Holy; Having a Secular Job

I've been stressing over the whole grad school situation for several weeks now. I keep going back and forth for many reasons but mostly because of fear and because I don't know what God's will for me is. In a sense, I am currently pretty aimless and I don't like it.

I've been chatting with many friends about my current situation because that's how I think best: talking and getting feedback. Most friends just listen and say "trust God" (which, no offense, but I am getting tired of hearing because it makes me feel like I'm a horrible person who doesn't already trust God). Some try to "steer me" (which feels a lot like forcing me) to go one way or another. When I vented (sorry!) to Julie about how stressed I was and how I felt pushed by some to pursue what they thought was best for me, she said some things (which will remain between her and I) that made realize something: I think I'm afraid of having a "secular" (read: not in a Catholic atmosphere) job because I think it'll somehow drag me away from God and from my wish to be as holy as possible.

I think this goes back to my time at the CINO college. I was in a "Catholic" place but it might as well been secular with the things that were taught (and not taught). The time between my father's death in 2009 and graduation day last year were some of the lowest points in my spiritual life. I went numb for almost an entire year after my father passed... and then I was surrounded by people who were actively trying to destroy orthodoxy with their heresies and blasphemies. It drove me to want to do something about it but I didn't (and still don't) know how. Teaching was an option... except that speaking in front of crowds makes me feel sick and I don't think I'm quite cut out to teach children that aren't my own as I have a fear of misguiding them with my lack of knowledge.

Since I've returned to the Church, 7 years ago, I've never imagined myself having a "secular" job -- one that wasn't somehow connected to the Church. Teaching was an option I never wanted. Being a Director of Religious Education is an option as well but I don't want that kind of leadership role (trust me, I'm a team-player / behind the scenes kind of gal). There are other options as well but none of them are really feasible for myself and my situation. I have my mother to take care of; her declining health is something that I can't push aside so that I can do what I want. Since she will seemingly retire early, it will be my job to provide for the two of us (especially if I never marry; more on this later). More fear of not being able to survive sets in, though I know God has always managed to get us out of financial scrapes.

And here's the second fear: I fear that if I do Speech-Language Pathology instead of Theology will make me a bad person because I would be choosing a career path that would help us financially and would potentially cut my off spiritually. THAT is where my biggest fear lies. When I first considered doing SLP, I didn't know what the salary was. I saw my good friend having problems finding a speech therapist for her son and it inspired me to look into it. Once money came into the picture, it made me start doubting myself; it made me think that I was doing it for the money and that scared the heck out of me.

Want to know what's been causing me stress the past couple of weeks? You just found out.

All of that has been swirling around in my mind for weeks and then wonderful Julie reminded me that being a speech therapist was a noble career. I love children and I want to help them so why not do it in a way that I best utilizes my gifts? I'm good one-on-one (better than in groups). I apparently have some sort of superhuman patience (lol). Even when I'm at the worst (anxiety, sick, etc), children make me push it all aside and focus on the good. I am reminded of how much I want to help people when I see someone who needs it. Nowhere in this way of thinking (which I had no problem with until the last couple of weeks) does money come into play. Julie helped remind me remember why I had chosen their career path and why I had pushed an MA in Theology aside. I may get it in the future but I am not sure this is the right path for me now... much to the disappointment of many people.

I wonder if the Enemy put this doubt into my mind; that I was doing it for the wrong reasons and that having a good paying job - which is not an easy job; lots of hard work - would somehow make me less holy. I wouldn't put it past him.

One more thing before I end this uber long post (sorry!): I can always find ways to incorporate my faith into my life while having a "secular" job. I still do intend to join a Third Order (the Carmelites are currently in the lead for this one, closely followed by the Dominicans). If I am able to, I do want to return to my daily Mass schedule before work (which I've seen many hospital workers do). If I do get married and have children, I will be able to teach them and pass along my beautiful faith to them. Who knows, maybe when I finally get my time management skills down pat, I could do some volunteer parish work. If people like St. Gianna Beretta Molla and Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati could chose paths that didn't have them working within a church setting and they still managed to lead holy lives, why can I attempt to do the same?

Anyway, this is all super long and I haven't had a proper lunch (though it is closer to dinner time) so I'm going to see what I can find to munch on while I plan dinner.

I hope y'all are having a good weekend thus far. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless. :D

What I Learned Wednesday #18: Oops!, Ahh! and Eesh! Edition

These are actually from last week but since I didn't post anything last week (and haven't for a week due to busy schedule and illness), I am using them for this week's post.

1. You know how I love futbol (soccer) to the point where it's the only sport that I watch (well, aside from the occasional rugby match)? Well, when we cancelled cable in March I had to say goodbye to my beloved Fox Soccer (which is now defunct anyway) and other sports channels that aired live matches. I looked into paying to watch them online but they were either super expensive for only a handful of matches or I had to search for links from shady websites. I wondered (although I already had a feeling I knew the answer) about whether it would actually be considered a sin to watch live matches on dubious links. I asked Fr. John Flynn over at XT3 and the answer was a definite: YES! Sorry, fellow Catholics who offered to send me shady website links. Fr. Flynn quotes the CCC for y'all which states that "2408 The seventh commandment forbids theft, that is, usurping another's property against reasonable will of the owner." Any football (yes, that's what I call "soccer") fan knows that the FA, MLS, and other franchises give certain networks rights to air the matches (for a fee, of course) and that those networks retain the rights to air the matches. So by watching matches on feeds without permission of the networks is, in fact, a form of steal. You might've not been the one who hijacked the live feed but you're still watching it without permission. You're an accessory to the crime. I haven't watched any matches on shady links in ages but I have in the past so I need to add that to my list of things I need to confess this coming weekend when I head to the confessional. Oops!

2. Something I didn't know (hello, poorly Catechized and no good formal education on Catholicism) that most English-language Bibles aren't complete. Yes, I knew that Protestant/Christian Bibles left out many books that the Catholic Church still has but I didn't know that not all Catholic Bibles were complete. Yes, you read that right: things are missing! In my Catholic snobbery (yes, I'm a bit of a snob regarding certain things; sorry, I'm woman enough to own up to it), I've preferred the Douay-Rheims version but one that I don't actually own a copy (aside from the copy in my iPieta app). My spiritual director gave me the heads up that the versions of the Bible (while Catholic) were incomplete and pointed out the fact that, if I looked it up (and I did), I would see that only 9 of the 12 fruits of the Holy Spirit are listed in Galatians 5:22-23. I compared it to the Douay-Rheims version and, yes, it's true. The DR has all 12 listed while the other Bible I primarily used had only 9. Guess it's time to save up and get myself a more complete version. Side note: The Ignatius Study Bible was also recommended but much more expensive. Ahh!

3. As some of you may know, I made the official announcement regarding my MA decision on Twitter.

Okay, I'm making this Twitter official: I've chosen a Master of Arts in Theology. Thanks to @aquinonez for listening to me for weeks. lol.
— Emmy Cecilia (@nerdwriter) August 26, 2013

I did decide on getting my Master of Arts in Theology (I even finished most of my application to my top choice) but I've been getting hit with horrible indecision and anxiety since then. The anxiety is bad... to the point where I'm suffering both physically and mentally. I'm not sure if it's a spiritual attack or if it's just a sign that this is not the path I should take so please say a little prayer for me while I try to figure that out. All I know is that my heart says Theology and my head says Speech-Language Pathology... and my anxiety says "forget it, lady!" Eesh!

Anyway, it's super hot and muggy today and the laptop is burning my thighs so I need to shut this baby (laptop) down and go jump in the water to cool down a bit.

I hope y'all have had a great week thus far and continue to have a good (or have a better) week. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!

Discernment Mambo: Indecision

As I mentioned a few weeks ago, I am currently discerning both my career and vocation once again. When I think I have it all figured out, something happens and I end up rethinking my decisions. It's a vicious, never ending cycle (thinking, rethinking, doubting decisions, more thinking) that happens every time I make a big decision. It's who I am but thankfully I am not doing it on my own this time around.

I have been thinking about the career part more than the vocation part because the applications for grad school will go up in a few weeks and I want to apply early. It's a huge decision for me -- whether I will get my Master of Arts in Theology or a Master of Science in Speech-Language Pathology -- and I am not going to leave any question unanswered. It's not easy, as no big decisions are. Some days I think that doing something like Youth Ministry or working for a parish would be best for me but, in all honesty, most days I think that being a Speech Therapist would be best for me. I have to take into consideration what will both utilize the gifts God gave me as well as what would fulfill His will for me.

I think that I might be dismissing an MA in Theology because of how much I hated my experience as a Religious Studies undergrad. I don't have to tell most of you; a good number of you have been reading this blog for a long time and/or at least know that I attended a "CINO" (Catholic in Name Only) college in which they taught liberation theology, ragged on then Pope (Emeritus) Benedict XVI, and made my life miserable for being the "tradition" (read: orthodox) student who made them uncomfortable with my unwillingness to be swayed to their side of thinking... and for speaking up (when I got the chance) on my beliefs. It sort of ruined it for me. I know all schools aren't like that but it was hard for me. I used to cry when I was at home because of how I was treated and because of the atrocities I heard during lectures. I even cried during lectures. That bad.

At the same time, I am not the same girl I was when I decided to get my BA in Religious Studies. I wanted to get it because I didn't know much about my faith and I wanted to share everything I learned with others, especially the young (though older people were the ones with whom I usually had these conversations with). I've seen that I don't need to be in a parish or a Catholic school (though I wouldn't be opposed to it) to always do God's will and/or evangelize.

I've been thinking of what I can do with an SLP M.Sc. My mom's doctor told me (when I mentioned it to her) that she thought it was an excellent decision for me and that I could use it to "continue (my) ministry." I wasn't sure how she meant that so I started thinking about it. Maybe, if I work hard and get the opportunity, I can afford to offer free SLP services to those who can't afford it but need it, especially the poor that go to parishes to ask for help. Maybe I can use my degree to help priest, religious brothers, and religious sisters who have had strokes with their speech therapies. I wouldn't charge them for it; it would be my way of giving back and thanking them for all they've done for us and for God. There are possibilities for me to be able to give back if I choose that career path.

The thing is that I am not sure what God wants me to do... and that's what my spiritual director is trying to help me figure out. Since novenas and prayers were helping but not getting me too far, he suggested to try the Ignatian discernment process. It's been slow but I am getting somewhere. I've been praying both the Little Office and the Liturgy of the Hours to help give me peace and de-stress and it has also been helping. Still, it will be an interesting and difficult couple of weeks (and months, since I still have my vocation -- married vs single life -- to discern again) so if y'all can spare a prayer for me at some point, I'd greatly appreciate it.

Anyway, this has been on my mind lately (and especially today) so I thought I'd write it all out and share. :)

And now, I should go try to get through the library books that are due this week. :)

I hope y'all had a great weekend and have a wonderful week. :)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless. :D