A Lenten Beginning: Sacrifices, Laments, and a Humble Plan

As I write this, I'm sitting cross-legged on my bed, awaiting the EWTN app on my Roku to turn on so that Mom and I can watch the "live" (read: rebroadcast from earlier) Mass from Rome in a couple of minutes. Since Mom is much more comfortable with the Spanish language, we're going to watch it on the EWTN en Español feed. As you can guess by this action, we were unable to get to Mass today.

We knew that we weren't going to be able to go to the 7 a.m. or noon-time Masses because of the heavy rain predicted for those times but I had hope for the 7 p.m. Mass. Sadly, due to the rain (it apparently hasn't stopped raining all day) and the flooding in the streets, we're going to be stuck at our apartment until possibly Friday. Insert sad panda face here. Thankfully, we stocked up on food and other possible necessities in anticipation of the rain and street flooding so we'll be fine stuck inside for a couple of days.

I really, really wanted to get to confession and Mass today. I wanted those ashes on my forehead. I wanted to start Lent "right." I'm currently fighting back tears from the disappointment and the frustration of it all. I know it's silly but I cannot shake off the feeling that I'm not starting Lent the proper way. Or, at the very least, the way I wanted it to start. It's bad enough that I cannot fast nor abstain from meat. I feel like this penitential season is easier for me than everyone else and it makes me feel like I'm a terrible Catholic as a result. I'm constantly reminded of how my daily life is compromised of continuous sacrifices and penances but it still doesn't seem like enough.

My (once again) vitamin D-deficiency-induced chronic fatigue makes me sacrifice my social life and having a "normal" work life outside the home. It also requires me to swallow my pride and ask for help when I cannot do something myself; something hard for someone as independent and (once) active as I am. I also think that I end up sacrificing my want of a husband and family because these things aren't exactly guy magnets. On the contrary, they scare guys away.

I know my life isn't "easy" but I'm so used to it that I don't even consider it hard. This is because I have the luxury of being able to work from home and thus sleep as much as my body requires it. I have a roof over my head and we've been able to create a household budget to be able to afford the food that helps keep me fed and as healthy as possible. I've chosen to help my mother with the household expenses through whatever freelance writing work I can get. I help take care of her when she needs it but I don't have other responsibilities beyond that. I'm so very fortunate in many ways others aren't.

Sure, I can't go on vacation or buy any material things that I may want. If I want something, I have to work hard and save up for it for months if it requires money. Even then, I think long and hard about whether I truly need it instead of just wanting it. If I don't need it, I end up giving it up for something that is necessary. But I see this all as a part of being an adult; of putting needs ahead of wants.

I guess this is something I have to work on this Lenten season -- being okay with my limitations and letting go of all the things I want to do (or think I need to do).

Humility is my chosen word this Lent; my chosen virtue to work on to combat that wounded pride that my independent and egotistical nature struggles with when I have to admit "defeat"; to admit that I can't do what I want to and do what I can. Lord knows how much this proud gal needs to be humbled and I'm hoping God grants me the graces necessary to become and stay humble. I hope all of this will make me be more open to His plans and will for my life; that it will make me more worthy of an eternity in Heaven.

I feel like this plan -- to cultivate humility -- was set in motion when I did the 54-day Rosary novena late last year when I asked to become more like our Blessed Mother. In a providential twist, she and St. Therese -- another beautiful model of humility -- became my co-patronesses for the year; my models who have also been my constant companions over the last couple of months. I didn't know why both kept popping up in my life so much but now it's starting to make sense. So, that is what I'm going to do -- look at their lives, learn from them, and work on emulating them this season and beyond. There is also something else -- or, I should say, someone else through a specific devotion -- that I will focus on during Lent that will hopefully help with my focus but it deserve its own blog post so stay tuned for that.

Does anyone else have any particular goals they're working on during Lent?

Anyway, this is it for now. I have some Lenten reflections to get to before it gets any later in the day.

I hope you're all having a good start to the Lenten season.

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!

Feverish Update

I'm currently sitting on my bed, trying to bring down my fever with cold, damp washcloths and cold tea. Cold tea isn't my favorite but I don't think my body would like hot liquids when I'm already warm. Since my stomach is sensitive and I can't take just any ol' fever reducer because some lower platelets, gotta exhaust the natural stuff first. Also, no doctor's appointments with my doctor until after August 30th. Seriously. I just called a few minutes ago. This is the second fever since Friday's fever but it's the first that's lasted more than 12 hours. Apparently there's a virus going around so I'm not too worried about it -- just gotta stay hydrated and rest as much as I can.

I know some of you are wondering about what's happened since my last blog post. Since then, I've sought the advice of friends who know me well and one theme kept coming back: go down the SLP route. It wasn't until a good friend pointed out something to me that made me decide to return to this path. "Wait, didn't you discard those options before?" I had... again, until I realized one big major thing: I wasn't factoring in how it would affect my mom.

Mom has been super supportive of whatever I want to do. I think she might feel like I've sacrificed too much to help her and Dad (when he was still alive) which is why she's supported my Theology degree path. Yes, even though I've been warned about how little money there is in the field, she's been onboard. I just always figured God would help provide along the way. However, it became increasingly obvious over the weekend that mom isn't going to make it to 65, the retirement age she prefers. She's only about 3 years away from that but I don't see her lasting more than another year or two. After 40+ years of all the manual labor, her body just can't keep going. When she told me that she wanted to get another vacation break (after just having one earlier this month) in September and this time she wanted it to be 2 weeks instead of one because her body was exhausted, I knew I had only one choice: to take a little detour from Theology so that my mom can retire sooner than I can take care of this household with my own paycheck.

I'll admit, I was both disappointed and nervous about returning to the SLP field. Disappointed because I can see that my passion lies in Theology and it just felt like I was supposed to be on that path. Nervous because my anemia popped up during my first stint at Utah State. I lost all that weight and my cell lines were affected. That fear that the same would happen entered my mind and it wouldn't go. Then two things happened: St. Therese taught me a lesson AND a mistaken grade gave me a bit of confidence.

I remembered that St. Therese had to wait a couple of years to enter the Carmelites and how bitterly disappointed she was to have to wait. I'm not saying that her entering the Carmelites and my waiting to continue my Theology degree are comparable but it was a lovely reminder that sometimes we have to wait to do what we feel is God's will for us. She did eventually enter, just like I will (God willing) eventually return to finish the degree. I can offer up the disappointment in the meantime.

Also, it turns out my final grade for my final course at JP Catholic was slightly higher than I had anticipated. Still not high enough to keep my financial aid available (I ended up with 2.97 GPA) but It was completely unexpected but very timely. I actually managed to pull off a decent grade with the anemia that returned during the quarter as well as the lack of study time because the maintenance workers were in and out of the apartment, working on fixing the bathroom. (side note: nope, it's still not done, 8 months after they gutted it). I worked hard and I did it. Maybe I can do the same this second time around. I've finally found a study schedule that works for me and my doctor ordered some folic acid, iron, and vitamin C tablets to help with the anemia. (Thanks to all the blood work she had them do, she saw that my folate level is half of what it should be which is why I can't kick the anemia for long periods of time.)

I applied as a returning student to Utah State yesterday. I left in good standing from both that school and JP Catholic so nothing was going to keep me from having a clean record. I've also had my transcripts sent to Utah State from JP Catholic (even though it was a different subject and degree). Now all I have to do is wait... and pray.

I hope I'm doing the right thing. If it's God's will that I do Theology, I hope He doesn't mind the detour for a year or so to take care of financial matters for Mom and I. If I do get accepted to return, I'm only 8 courses short of my second Bachelor's degree and should be able to graduate early next May. After receiving my degree, I'll do 100 supervised hours at a local university (two courses which will be paid out of pocket... ouch) for 8-10 weeks and then I will be officially licensed to work as an SLPA in the state of CA.

Anyway, that's where I am right now. No longer aimless but just disappointed that I couldn't do my Theology degree first. As I said, not enough experience and/or requirements to work in the archdiocese just yet. :( I simply need to remind myself that this is a sacrifice I need to make for the good of this household... one that I hope to do with joy. I can't be selfish even though I sometimes wish I could be. I am human, after all.

Alright, I'm going to go try to rest. I'm not used to not doing anything so this is going to be harder than it sounds. Seriously, binge watching feels unnatural to me but it may be the only thing that will keep me from moving around and being active when I should be resting and letting my body try to fight off whatever is causing the fever and headache. :)

I hope y'all have had a lovely beginning of week!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

The Sacrifices are Coming!

Can you believe that we're only two weeks away from Lent? What?! The period between Christmas season and Advent always flies by the quickest for me. Even though I'm still a bit in Christmas mode (sorry, I'm in that mentality until February 2nd; Candlemas), I'm not ready to let it go. (side note: if you find yourself singing "Let it Go" I truly apologize. Have a donut and say it's from me as an apology gift.) While chatting with one of my best friends about what we were giving up for Lent, I had no clue. At least, I didn't at the time. It took me some time but I think I've figured out what I'm doing for Lent this year.

Last year I didn't really give up anything because, well, I tend to do that during the year. Doing it during Lent doesn't challenge me as much as it may others because of how used to it I am (from food to entertainment, etc). "What can I possibly give up that's hard?" I wondered. Then it hit me: Twitter. Soccer? Slightly hard to give up one year. Certain foods? Easier since I do that on a regular basis anyway (thanks dyspepsia and food intolerances!). Social media has been cut back during Lent in past years but never fully given up. Just an hour or less per day. I've been doing that lately (though I've slipped a bit since my bro's visit last week). Giving it up "cold turkey"? Sad to say it's going to be nearly impossible but I'm going to do it. Or try. I'll say "try" so I don't beat myself up too badly if I fail. I'm not even going to give myself an incentive to not cave: doing something for my well being is reward enough.

For those of you who rely on Twitter to find out when I have a new blog post, I'll have something set up so new links will be posted as soon as they go up. I may also share the odd link straight from the website (i.e. Blessed is She's reflections or news from Zenit, ChurchPop, or Catholic News Agency -- only Catholic stuff for Lent, what an idea!) but I won't log into Twitter for that. I also won't send anything out unless it's one of those "yes! this needs to be read by others!" articles. If you're also giving up Twitter, the blog's Facebook Page gets updates right away. If you're giving up all social media, you can sign up to have new blog posts delivered to your inbox. That nifty button is on the right side of the blog (not accessible on mobile; sorry).

Am I giving up anything else in terms of social media? Nope. Don't really use Pinterest much and can go weeks without even logging in. Tumblr can be neglected for days and I can get everything done there in under 5 minutes when I do log in. Facebook will be cut down to once a day for 5 minutes if only because I only have 34 people on my list -- most of whom rarely or don't (at all) use Twitter -- and it's what I use to get news on the Latin Masses in the L.A. area and other information that I don't get elsewhere. Twitter is my addiction but I hope giving it up for Lent will be good for me and will make it easier for me to use is less during the rest of the year.

Let's forget the fact that I'm wasting so much valuable time on it. It's not just a time waster for me; it's where I rant, where I get annoyed, where uncharitable thoughts pop up, where I get upset, where... well, I'm focusing too much on myself and my own feelings and not enough on God when I get on Twitter. Let's be honest: some of us may want to use it as an evangelization tool but not many of us actually use it for that. I'm not shaming you; I'm in that same boat.

Oh! I just remembered that I am giving up on more thing for Lent: uncharitable words and thoughts. Guess where most of them come from. You guessed it: Twitter. When I'm already cranky and/or upset about what my mom is going through at work (please keep praying for her), it's so much easier to see something on Twitter and allow it to feed my annoyance. Bleh. No. Bad Twitter! Bad Emmy, too! No one is forcing me to go on Twitter when I'm on the verge of being a "stroppy cow." (Gotta love British idioms.) Twitter is the main source (online) of my uncharitable thoughts and words so it makes sense to give one to be able to help the other. 

I'm also adding a couple of things: an extra hour of prayer per day, daily Mass when I'm able (no appointments, not sick), and an extra act of charity during the day. I've arranged it so my "reading for pleasure" books are all either Catholic or written by Catholic authors during Lent. Yes, that explains my current choice of books. I'm sure I'll add something else but that will be something between me and God. ;)

Since I cannot fast (I'm still underweight) and I need meat (though I can do meatless Fridays by eating other things for iron intake), I'm going to give up ALL social media and music (gulp) on the days that I cannot fast but others are required to. I forgot what I gave up last year but I don't remember it being particular hard so I must challenge myself this year.

My plans for Lent may seem silly to others ("ha! Twitter?") but if you've ever been addicted to anything, you know hard it is to make yourself stop. Oh, social media... Y U so hard to give up? Cue rick-rolling video from a certain someone with a mustache who hosts his own radio show. ;)

What are y'all giving up for Lent? Let me know, especially if you need an accountability partner. Seriously, I will gladly keep tabs on anyone if you need an accountability person.

Side thought: I return to grad school right during Easter time, on April 4th. The symbolism isn't lost on me. It's how my school's quarter is set up but, for my particular situation and everything I've been through, it seems especially appropriate that that will be my return date. Wind down my break during Lent, return in Easter. New beginnings. New hope. Well played, JP Catholic and the overall timing. Well played. ;)

Alright, I have about 6 weeks eBooks or so to read in a little under 3 weeks so I'm going to try to get those read before they're due back to the LAPL. :)

I hope y'all are having a great week thus far!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D 

Guest Blogger Andrew on 5 Things Every Catholic Should Do (Every Day)

If you're following me or Andrew (@perfidem) on Twitter then I'm sure you lovely folks have already heard that I wrote a brutally honest blog post over at Per Fidem. Yes, I stand by every single word I wrote. ;) Anyway, it's only fair to have Andrew write something for this blog so here it is. :D (P.S. Might have him guest blog more often if I can persuade him... ;))

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Hey – hi – howdy – sup,

About a week or so ago I was having a conversation with a friend, and she threatened to write a post for my blog; unbeknownst to her, I had actually thought about asking her to write a guest post for me earlier in the week. This would serve two purposes, one, I would get another blog post on my site, and two, I wouldn’t have to write it my self (apparently I’m a fairly lazy person).

I guess it would make sense to introduce myself; my name is Andrew Hedstrom (23yrs old) from Per Fidem, a blog on Faith, Apologetics, Philosophy, Politics, and Life. I graduated from CSUSB in 2009 with a BA in Criminal Justice, I’m a substitute teacher with a local school district, and I’m a soldier in the US Army.

Emmy was kind enough to keep her post for my site fairly short as most of mine are rarely more than a few paragraphs. I assume, however, that I should write the post for her site in the same fashion she does, and keep them more than 1 or 2 paragraphs (apologies in advance if you get bored by the end). And now, without further ado…

5 Things Every Catholic Should Do [Every Day]

1. Holy Sacrifice of the Mass
As a serious Catholic, if we truly believe what the Church teaches about the Holy Mass, then why on earth would we not try to attend every day? The saints attended Mass as often as possible. The little old ladies attend Holy Mass every day. Even “the Angels surround and help the priest when he is celebrating Mass” (St. Augustine). This is the surest sign that one is trying to be a saint, so let’s get to it.

2. Adoration
Another thing we as serious Catholics (as opposed to cafeteria Catholics) should do each and every day is visit Our Lord in the Blessed Sacrament. Ideally, we’d see Him for an hour, however, in today’s culture that may not necessarily be plausible. Simply 5 minutes, 10 minutes, 15 minutes, whatever it may be, is definitely better than nothing! Just be consistent. It’s precisely when we don’t feel like going that it means the most to Our Lord.

3. Rosary
I’m pretty certain this one is self-explanatory. Every day.

4. Sacrifice
This particular one may seem a little obvious as well, but I think I can offer a little bit more insight. As we all know, sacrifice can be something we give up, but it can also be something we do. For instance, hate working out? Then go for a jog. Offer it up to God. Offer it for a particular intention. It does wonders!

5. Read
Last but certainly not least, reading; this is the best way to form ourselves. Even as little as 15 minutes a day is good. By the end of the month, you’ll have gotten through a few books at least!

Remember, consistency is key!

- Andrew