Nice Try, Scrooge!

Apparently, Scrooge wanted to stress me out right before Christmas. Awesome! lol. So, what happened? Yesterday I received an email informing me that my financial aid had been suspended despite having a 3.03 GPA. I know two classes tanked my GPA but it was still well over the 2.0 GPA minimum requirement to continue receiving financial aid. I had called earlier in the semester -- as soon as I knew I had to retake a course -- and had been reassured that I would be okay. Immediately, I called my school's Financial Aid office and got to the bottom of things.

When I withdrew 2 years ago, I was taking 5 courses... and I ended up getting 5 W's because I withdrew a month away from finals. Anyone who has read the blog for a while knows how sick I got two years ago; I couldn't continue without harming my health further. To this day, 2+ years later, I'm still recovering from how sick I made myself during that time. They counted them as attempted courses and I had fallen under the 67% attempted courses/pass since I didn't pass one course this semester. I didn't fail it but it was still one I have to retake next semester and thus it's down at 65% for the requirement. I told the person I spoke to about my situation -- about withdrawing two years ago due to health issues and how I began this semester in and out of the hospital due to an acute kidney injury and how I had 3 heart holsters fitted throughout the semester. She told me to get online and fill out the suspension appeal application and state so.

For the next hour or so, Mom and I turned our apartment upside trying to find hospital paperwork from Fall 2014. We couldn't find anything so I submitted what I had from the past semester; all the paperwork with my bloodwork results, the discharge papers stating I had an acute kidney injury during the first 3 weeks of the semester, and the current medical issues they have on file for me. I'm still recovering but I've been doing better in recent weeks. (Side note: my doctors are completely stumped as to what is causing the pancytopenia and other mineral/vitamin deficiencies. They are ordering another Celiac blood test for February since I had intense mental fog up until I cut wheat and other gluten foods completely out of my diet). I had done well at the end of the semester with my exams so it wasn't like I was just goofing off. For a brief moment, I worried and stressed whether it would be enough. Then I was reminded that if it was God's will, it would work out and I would continue. If not, I had other options to either continue down this SLP path or do something completely different. Either way, this would only be a small obstacle that wouldn't hold me back from moving forward.

I honestly didn't think about or stress over it. I checked my email when I woke up this morning but then promptly forgot about it. I had (and have) other things to do between now and Christmas and then between Boxing Day and New Year's Eve occupying my mind. I had put it in God's hands and had done everything I could do on my end. Almost 24 hours after the email, I received a new email from them. Since I had submitted the appeal application before their work day was over (and they make these decisions on Thursdays) yesterday, I received their decision today. My appeal had been approved with a ton of strings attached; all strings that (God willing) won't be an issue for me next semester. I wasn't expecting an answer until next week, to be honest. Still, I did a happy dance in the car (I was waiting for Mom to come back to the car from a store) and I'm sure I looked silly to those who walked by but I didn't care. Huge sigh of relief.

Ever since I started the 54-day Rosary novena on All Saints' Day, I've noticed a huge change in me (as have other people). I won't write out my reflections on it until (hopefully) tomorrow because tomorrow is the last day and who knows what may pop up in my mind before I officially finish day 54's prayers/Rosary. Let's just say that resigning myself to God's will, as well as accepting that it's okay to slow down and take care of myself, has been doing me a lot of good. Nice try, Scrooge, but God has other plans for me. ;)

Anyway, just wanted to write about this to get it off my mind for good. Writing is completely therapeutic for me which is why I write. :)

I have a lot of things to do (that I really don't want to do; ugh, pre-Christmas laziness...) so I should attempt to not be a lazy bum and get some things started so I can finish them by New Year's Eve. Yes, that means I'm starting my annual clean-a-thon a week beforehand so I don't feel rushed in the last days of the year. ;)

I hope y'all have a lovely weekend and a wonderful Christmas (for those who are taking a social media/internet break from Christmas Eve through Christmas Day).

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Resignation to God's Will and Survival

Wow. It's been two weeks since the last blog post. I don't think I've gone so long without writing a blog post since my father's death in 2009. If you're not following me on Twitter or any other social media platform than you might've not known that I was in extreme, crazy study mode for the past two weeks. I had three final exams over 4 days, the last two of which I did this morning. I'm behind on sending a friend Advent meditations (oops!). I have a lot of email content to get through from the past couple of days. I've been posting novena reminders later than I would've liked. I've just been really busy with studying for exams and the last couple of assignments to finish. However, I'm done... and I'm back!

I have my final grades already. I didn't fail single class though I will have to repeat two because of a B- or better policy that my school's program has. Yes, even though I was about 3% away from that B- (in the class in which a classmate plagiarized her part of the group research paper and sunk all the group members' grades), I still have to repeat it. It's okay. I'm at peace about the whole thing which, I believe, is a continuation of possibly having (finally!) learned to have complete trust and total surrender to God's will. I didn't get to study as much as I would've liked because I was constantly reminded that I needed to slow down and take care of myself in the days leading up to the finals. I slept 10 hours yesterday and had a bunch of stuff to do so I had little study time and I still managed an 81% of today's exam. Basically, I did what I could, I stopped relying solely on what I could do, and I trusted that I would pass the exams if it was God's will for me to continue down this path. I have to say, the results were pretty awesome. 

I could've gotten better grades and passed the two classes I have to retake but I've resigned myself to the idea that I did the best that I could under the circumstance and for that I'm glad. I didn't ask to have an acute kidney injury nor to have 3 heart holsters fitted during the semester. I didn't ask to have all the medical issues I had for the first couple of weeks of the semester, which manifested in the horrid symptom of intense fog, making it impossible to memorize the terms for and concentrate on the first couple of exams. I could be angry about what happened with the plagiarism and blame the classmate but I've chosen not to. Yes, it's completely unfair to be penalized for something I didn't do. Yes, it's going to push back my graduation date for another 6 to 12 months longer than anticipated. Yes, I'm going to have to chance my plans. However, I firmly believe that everything happened for a reason and therefore I'm just going to go with the flow. Things will work out for the best in God's time; I've done all I could do on my end. Next semester I'm doing 2 courses (and will continue the 2-course per semester pattern through graduation) I have to retake and just focus on those because of the amount of memorization it requires. 

The old me would've been stressed out because I have to repeat two courses... which means more student loans... which means it'll take longer for me to begin working. The current me is saying "thank goodness I'm going to have two courses I'm already familiar with and I'm glad the professor for one course will let me submit all the work I did this semester for next semester." The current me is more excited about the fact that I can enjoy the rest of Advent with a mental peace I've been aching for since the semester began. I'm not thinking about long term goals. I'm no longer feeling a little ashamed and pathetic for not finishing school when I wanted. I no longer feel like I have to prove myself and what I'm capable of doing (mentally). I'm not comparing myself to others. I'm letting my natural optimistic side take over. Optimism and resignation to God's will is a great combo for me. :)

Anyway, I just wanted to share this little (ha!) update since I had the time to blog. I only slept 4 hours last night so I think I should go take a nap before it gets later and the nap then interrupts my sleeping schedule, which is already of whack.  If there are terrible typos or missing words... I have the lack of sleep as my excuse. ;) I hope to blog more often now that I have an entire month free before the Spring semester begins. Yay! Oh, I'll be writing about my plans soon. ;)

I hope everyone had a lovely weekend! :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Complete Trust and Total Surrender?

Your eyes do not deceive you. It's another blog post... a week later. lol. Y'all know my excuse: coursework. I spent the entire week last week studying for a "do or die" exam. I spent about 12 hours seated in a chair in the kitchen, going over lecture videos and flash cards until it was time to sleep on some days. Other days I had other things going on so I didn't get nearly enough time to study. I even caught myself repeating some memorized terms while I was falling asleep or even waking up. I was in the zone. I even paid for my exam this time around (I couldn't get to see my regular proctor this past week). I took my exam on Saturday morning. I was confident while taking the exam. "Oh, I know this! And this! Yes, I'm going to pass...!" Half an hour later: 66%. My reaction was to be speechless after saying: "wait, I'm sorry... what?! 66%?! How's that possible? I knew this material!"

I spent an entire week focused on nothing (observation hours excluded) but studying. I took a break from social media for several days, only updating the Rosary novena dates via Twitter and FB for those who asked to be reminded. Texts went unanswered for hours at a time. I fell behind on emails. It didn't matter. I worked the hardest I've ever worked on any exam... and I didn't pass. Since it was a "do or die" exam, it meant I wasn't going to pass the class with the required B- needed to take three of the last courses prior to graduation.

I cried for a minute or two. I was disappointed. I put everything I had into this exam. I hadn't experienced any mental fog while studying for it. I ate well. I slept well. I kept my anxiety levels down for most days (side note: I had a weird 12 hours of continual anxiety and palpitations on Wednesday night into Thursday morning). There was literally nothing else I could do to pass this exam that wasn't cheating -- which will never be an option.

Though I was disappointed, I was also oddly at peace with everything. It wasn't the end of the world. It just meant that I had to change my plans again. I've been doing that most of my adult life. I'll have to retake this course next semester along with another (new) course and take the last three classes I was planning to take in the Spring during the Summer and/or Fall 2017 semesters. Instead of graduating next semester (Spring), it means I'll have to graduate either in the Summer or Fall 2017, only 3-7 months later than anticipated. Everything will be delayed for less than a year. Even if I wasn't getting a chance to continue this degree, I have options to keep moving forward.

I think it was appropriate that this happened the day before the feast of Christ the King. I was lovely to be reminded that when chips it the fan, it simply means that it wasn't the time for it yet. God has plans for me -- plans greater than I could ever imagine -- that I'm not going to fight it. I'm just going to adapt myself to whatever obstacles pop up. I'm so confident that this is the path God wants me to take right now that I don't mind the delay. It might be because I'm so used to it. I started college a year later than I should've despite graduating from high school a year and a half ahead of schedule. I graduate with my first degree 4-5 years later than I should've. I didn't move to England to finish my first degree, having to stay in L.A. My vocation has also been (obviously) delayed, for whatever reason. Christ is King. I have put my life in His hands and I trust that everything will happen when it's supposed to. Again, I will have to roll with the punches as they come but I'm confident that He is helping lead me down whatever path He wants me to take when He wants me to take it. I'm not going to worry about. That goes for everything -- health, school, career, vocation... every aspect of my life.

There has been a big change in me since I started the 54-day Rosary novena. A friend I've known for nearly a decade saw it in me when we went to a young adult group meeting two weekends ago. My mother has also noticed and commented on it (without knowing that my friend had also commented on it). I'm not quite sure what it is but, looking back at it, I can see what they're talking about. Maybe I've finally learned how to let go of what I can't control. Could it perhaps be a confidence / complete trust / total surrender in doing God's will? This wasn't even an intention for the novena but this novena is powerful. Even when things don't go well, amazing things happen. Perhaps this is one of the fruits of this novena. Who knows. We're only 21 days into it.

Anyway, I just wanted to share these thoughts with y'all. I should have more time to blog this week but, again, don't quote me on it. Finals start December 7th and go through December 16th but the last modules/sections opened today so I'm going to try to finish all the final assignments by Wednesday so I can a) have more time to study for finals and b) do it in smaller, more manageable chunks so that I'm not completely overwhelmed during finals week(s). I should have more blogging time if I do things this way. Fingers crossed! I'll definitely blog tomorrow because it's a very special feast day for me. Hint: it's in my name. ;)

Alright, I should go do some homework or something. ;) Oh, wait...! Congrats to Catherine and Kimberly who were the Magnificat Advent Companion winners! I've sent both of you the codes and I hope you enjoy the iOS apps this Advent season.

I hope y'all had a lovely weekend and enjoy this last week before Advent begins. :)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Mass Adventures and Mournful Tears

Well, it finally happened. I made it Mass! Can you hear the angelic choir singing? I can. Oh wait, that was the choir at the High Mass I attended Sunday night. lol. I must admit that I so desperately wanted my first Mass back (from illness) to be a Latin Mass, specifically on All Saints' Day since it's one of my favorite feast days. For reasons I've already sort-of explained, it didn't happen on All Saints' Day but I did go Sunday. That itself was an adventure.

My poor mama got food poisoning earlier in the day and I wanted to cancel our scheduled trips to and from the local Latin Mass but she wouldn't let me. Even an hour before we had to leave, she was still feeling poorly. I was prepared to attend Mass closer to home (anything to get her to Mass; she won't go if I don't take her with me) but she said that she knew how much I wanted to attend a Latin Mass so she sacrificed her comfort for me.

We arrived at the church a few minutes before the Mass began and I got to meet a Twitter friend in person, which was lovely. I made it through the Mass despite the use of incense. Sure, I got a bit lightheaded towards the end but nothing I can't handle in small doses. The only thing I wasn't happy with was that I still can't kneel for long periods of time because I'm still in recovery mode. Still, that is something that I'll be working on and God knows what I can and can't do with where I am, physically.

We left the parish almost immediately after the Mass was over since the taxi had arrived early and they won't wait more than 5 minutes after your assigned time. On the way back home, we had a close encounter with a driver who decided they wanted to merge into our lane... while we were occupying it. I'm so grateful to our guardian angels and our fast thinking/acting taxi driver. Before we got home, a high-speed chase flew by us with about a good half dozen (if not more) police cars following the car. That was a first for this L.A. native; I'd only seen them on TV before Sunday. Needless to say, my poor mother arrived home shaking and very anxious. I think she was still nervous yesterday morning when I drove her to work. I'm pretty sure she won't go to the Sunday night Latin Mass with me until we have Daylight Saving Time again. lol. See? I told you it was an adventure.

I was still on a Mass high (first time receiving the Eucharist in almost two months!) on Monday when I received the terrible news that one of the kindest people I've ever met had passed away. As I mentioned a few weeks ago,, I was able to secure free exam proctoring at my CINO college alma mater. Being a distance education student at a university out of state, we have to get our exams proctored. Most proctors charge $20+ (average is about $40) per exam (or per hour) so I reached out to Ms. Michele Lewis (that was her name) to ask if either my alma mater had proctoring for former students or if she knew of someone who didn't charge an arm and a leg. She was "taking the semester off" for the Fall semester but she arranged it so that I could take my exams on campus free of charge (instead of charging $30 per exam), not only for the Fall semester but the entire school year, until my tentative graduation date in early May.

I went through my usual routine yesterday morning. I made breakfast, praying the Little Office before leaving, battled morning rush hour traffic, and went through my flashcards before taking my exam. Since I was to take my exam in Ms. Lewis' office, I decided to ask how she was doing. Immediately, I knew I was in for some surprising news but I wasn't expecting the worst. I was told "take your exam first and then we'll talk." After taking the exam, I was getting ready to leave when my current proctor asked me to follow her back into Ms. Lewis' office. She told me to sit down and then she dropped the bomb on me -- Ms. Lewis had passed away. I was shocked. I was expecting to hear that she'd left the school for another job but wasn't expecting this news. I tried to keep myself from tearing up but I couldn't hold it in. I left the office in a sort of daze and walked up the steep hill to the center of the campus where I found a bunch and try to catch my breath.

I had a few minutes to reflect on the news I'd been given before I had to come back home. I sat on the familiar bench I've used since my time as an undergrad and I teared up. I looked at the chapel on campus and at the beautiful statue of Mama Mary in front of the chapel, in the middle of the campus center. I remembered the Ms. Lewis' kindness. As an undergrad, she'd helped secure me extra time (which I never needed) and a quiet room to do my exams in when my anxiety was so bad that I couldn't concentrate in classrooms. When I had issues with the music professor who made me cry in her classroom (some of you may remember how poorly I was treated at my alma mater), she helped me sort things out. Before I graduated, she sat down with me and gave me post-graduation advice about what careers options that I still remember and keep in mind 4.5 years later. At graduation, she arranged it so that I could sit close to my family and to an exit in case I wanted to leave early (again, when my anxiety was so bad that feeling trapped in crowded places set off panic attacks). Her last act of kindness was getting me these exams proctored for free.

I'm still tear up when I think that she's gone but I'm grateful for everything she did. She was beloved by student, staff, and alumni for a good reason. I remember her being a kind, generous, and gentle soul who went above and beyond to help students succeed. Not just with me; fellow alumni friends have remarked about what a lovely woman she was. I remember what Fr. M said about the souls in purgatory at Sunday's Mass, about how important it is to pray for them. I will be sure to have a Mass said for her as well as pray for her whenever she comes to mind. Rest in peace, Ms. Michele Lewis. Thank you for being a rose in a bramble of thorns.

I didn't mean for this post to end on such a downer so I'll say this: while it's sad that she has passed, at least she's not suffering. It's the same consolation I have about my father's death -- it hurts that they're no longer here but they left behind beautiful memories that I'll always cherish; that have made me a better person. :)

Anyway, I need to go pick up my mom from work and then we're going to go vote so that's it for now. :)

I hope y'all are having a lovely week thus far... or, as sane as possible. ;)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Back to the Scene of the Crime; CINO College Return

No, I did not commit an actual crime... but I did return to my alma mater. (insert smirk)

Before I go on, I'm going to point you new folks to the following blog posts from my time at that school because, well, I had a very interesting time at this school. A "traddie" leaning Catholic at a liberal "Catholic" college? Read for yourselves:
- First Impressions
- Back To School Week From Heck
- CINO (Catholic in Name Only) and Double Majors -- the most popular blog post for many years
- I'm Undercover at the CINO...
- The Lone Ranger Plus One
- It's Finally Happened...
- Quick Question... (CINO College Related)
- Ooh, My CINO College is in Trouble...
- Profs Don't Like Me But Like Abortion
- Well, I'm Not Stopping...
- Emmy, Defender of the Pope and Priests? 
- Lecture Notes from My CINO College Alma Mater

I attended my CINO college alma mater from 2010 to 2012, graduating in May 2012. The last time I was on campus (May 5, 2012) was for the Baccalaureate Mass since it's a "Catholic" (yep, still using those quotation marks) school. I said "I'm free! I'm never coming back here! Peace out, suckers!" Yeeeah. 4 years, 4 months, and 12 days later I set foot on campus once again and I've been there twice in the past week.

Prior to the beginning of this semester I couldn't find proctor that didn't charge an arm and a leg to get my exams proctored. Since I'm attending Utah State as a distance education/online student, I need to get all my exams (except, obviously, those that are open book) proctored. I didn't have that issue during my brief stint at JP Catholic because they trusted us to be truthful and not cheat during our exams but USU is a little more... cautious. I spent a couple of days emailing and/or waiting for responses from local schools about my exams. Only one said they were able to do it (and for free since I'm an alumna) -- my CINO college alma mater.

I was a little nervous about returning because of how I left; I was not liked when I was at that school. I shed a lot of tears and I was made to feel like a religious freak weirdo person because I wasn't a "liberal" like them. I still remember the looks I got when I veiled at the Red Mass my first year there; I was openly "traddie" and it was odd for them. I'm pretty sure at least one staff member/professor has read this blog at some point to make sure I wasn't outing them by name. (side note: for the record, I've never publicly named it for legal matters; they like to sue people.) I wasn't sure if I was going to see any of my former professors (who, I believe, are still working there) so it was going to be interesting for me. So far I haven't seen any professors but I still have 7 more months of exams that are getting proctored so there's always a chance I might.

The weird thing about my return was how at peace and at home I felt. No, really. It may because I've always felt at peace on campus (outside of the classroom, of course); being so close to the school chapel and spending so much time in there by myself when I was a student probably helped. Being surrounded by the beauty of nature, seeing so many beautiful statues... remembering what I went through, I loved it. I genuinely loved the couple of hours I was on campus this and last week. I even thought "well... this is always an option to get an Education MS with an emphasis on speech impaired and deaf students." (side note #2: yes, they offer the degree with that emphasis and it would go along with the current degree I'm working towards.) And, if that wasn't enough, it made me feel the way I felt when I was at that school: so in love with the Church and the faith that I couldn't (and still can't, to be honest) see myself doing anything else. It was like the return to campus rekindled the fire to learn as much as I could about the faith to teach younger generations the beauty and truth of the Church.

You know that horrible spiritual dryness I endured for weeks during this (late) summer? It's like it never happened. I was slowly coming out of it but my return to that school erased whatever remained of it. In fact, I was -- dare I say -- joyful. I was so happy; smiling and laughing and being a lot more charitable than I've felt in recent weeks. I haven't felt so at peace with everything for a long, long time. Passing 2 of my 3 exams (I failed one) and not having much time to study for the exams hasn't dampered my spirits. I even said to myself -- while I had a private, prayerful moment, on campus, prior to the exams -- that if I didn't pass my courses well enough to finish the degree, I would return to get my Theology MA. I was happy and at peace with that thought, too. For the record, I'm not saying I'm jumping ship on this degree or returning to JP Catholic but I'm open to whatever God has in store for me. If it's His will that I don't finish this degree for whatever reason or if He wants me to do something else, I'm totally onboard.

The point to this blog post is to say that I'm really glad I returned to my alma mater because it's helped me find myself and renew that faith once again... at the "Catholic" college where there are female (occasionally nun) professors who drag priests and Pope (Emeritus) Benedict XVI through the mud... and say it's okay for us to say that God is a woman. It's weird, right? Yep, keep surprising me, God. Now that I've quit making long-term plans, I can't wait to see what He has in store for me next. I have a feeling I'll get a lot more clarity as I continue to spend time on campus before and after exams.

Anyway, I want to rest my eyes and mind from all the non-stop studying and screen time so I'm going to go try to finish My Beloved: The Story of a Catholic Nun by Mother Catherine Thomas. Shout out to the Los Angeles Public Library for having a copy for me to read! (Shameless plug, you can also check out my author profile at Goodreads  -- if you haven't already -- while you're on the Goodreads website.)

I hope y'all are having a lovely start of the week!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Celebrating 3 Years Since Graduation

I can't believe it's been 3 years since I graduated from my CINO college (which has a university status as of last fall) alma mater. It seems like only yesterday I was nervously walking across the stage at the Gibson Amphitheater, cheeks bright red since I didn't like the attention... or my face on the big screen. lol. To celebrate the 3 years of freedom (ha!), I thought I'd share with y'all the top 9 posts from my time at that prison, in chronological order. ;)

1.  October 25, 2010: CINO (Catholic In Name Only) and Double Majors The post that blew up everywhere (even made it into First Things) and start my posts about my alma mater.

2. December 2, 2010: I'm Undercover at the CINO... Follow-up to the first post, further explaining my decision of attending the school.

3. September 9, 2011: It's Finally Happened... My surprise at one of the handful of lectures that were actual orthodox during my time as a Religious Studies major.

4. September 15, 2011: I Finally Watched The Passion... Sort Of. What happened the first time this Religious Studies major watched The Passion with her classmates.

5. December 23, 2011: Ooh, My CINO College is in Trouble... The one in which a professor confirms that they're not supposed to teach what is taught on campus.

6. January 12, 2012: Profs Don't Like Me But Like Abortion Yep, abortion is praised during a lecture.

7. February 29, 2012: Well, I'm Not Stopping... People started referring to me as "the girl with the blog" on campus.

8. April 12, 2012: Emmy, Defender of the Pope and Priests? New confessor inspires me to fight for the Pope and priests after hearing what is said about clergy during lectures.

9. May 8, 2012: I'm Officially a College Graduate. Recap from exactly 3 years ago, today, of the graduation ceremony and the two years I spent at the school.

Hope you enjoy the trip down memory lane if you've read this blog long enough. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Dear Student Headed Back to a Public or CINO School...

Dear Student Headed Back to a Public or CINO School,

congrats on returning to school this Fall semester! If you're a freshman, good luck on your new journey. If you're just continuing, good luck on the rest of your journey. If you're a senior, you're almost done! It'll go by faster than you'll expect so enjoy every moment. :D

Now that the pleasantries are out of the way, I'd like to address issues I've seen (and, unfortunately, continue to see) as a faithful Catholic at a not-so-orthodox school. It's really hard holding onto your beliefs and/or being vocal about them at a place where Catholicism and/or religion is seen as something that needs reform and/or to be squashed. I saw it when I was at public community colleges (I didn't get a chance to give my pro-life rebuttal in an abortion debate in a Philosophy course despite the pro-choice student having the opportunity to present her side).

As an undergrad, I saw it when I was at a "Catholic" (in name only; CINO) college in which they openly defied documents they signed (and admitted to signing) stating that they could not teach liberation theology, spoke ill of priests, called Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI a "super rat in red shoes", was made to read questionable books and sit through terrible lectures, and suffered through so much crumbs that I've often been told I should write in detail about what I endured (which I will, when it's least expected).

As a post-BA/pre-MS SLP (speech-language pathology) student, I'm still seeing it in a class. Admittedly, it's only been one professor in a non-SLP course because my school (Utah State University; public university) is in "Mormon country" and all my other professors and classmates have seemed more openly pro-life and/or conservative; even more so than at my "Catholic" alma mater.

The point is that, unless you're at one of the wonderfully orthodox Catholic colleges, you'll more than likely encounter the same or similar stories. You will be tempted to stay silent because your professor will allow those with more "liberal" beliefs to speak out while suppressing those who are more "conservative" (the stories I could tell). You may have professors who will give you dirty looks or refuse to let you speak out in class... or even make you cry in class because of their hostility (been there). You will face so many challenges that will make you want to either "tone down" your beliefs and/or simply stay silent. To that I say: don't you dare!

If you're still a theology "newbie" or don't understand the Church teachings regarding some topics (abortion, gay marriage, and celibacy are the big ones that almost always come up), do the research from legitimate theologians and/or Catholic apologists. I was blessed to have a friend, who is also a Catholic apologist, in my corner (as well as other incredibly savvy friends) who encouraged me and supplied me with the knowledge (many times, books) I needed to be able to form the counterargument needed in class. Educate yourself instead of going along with what some professors "teach" you. If it sounds sketchy, look it up yourself. You would (or maybe wouldn't) be surprised at how many of my previously orthodox classmates were taken over to the "dark side" (no, they don't have cookies, either) because they believed that the professors wouldn't lead them astray. It was painful to watch. (side note: although, I'll admit, I did get at least one person out of my alma mater when I did some "underground" work letting friends and classmates know that what was being taught wasn't orthodox).

If you live on-campus or away from home, don't alter your prayer life too much. If you need to do some time management and schedule in some prayer time in the middle of the craziness, do it! Don't say "oh, I'll do it later" because no, you most likely won't do it later. Don't stop attending Mass. Not only is it a mortal sin to not attend Sunday Mass (or Saturday Vigil Mass) without a legitimate reason, it's also going to make it harder for you to keep your faith in one piece. You can say that you're a "strong and faithful Catholic" all you want but college and independence always come with temptations that will attempt to pull you away from God.

I'm going to share something I don't think I've ever shared on this blog (or outside my close circle of friends) before: though I commuted to school, there were still a variety of temptations that popped up. On a number of occasions, I was invited to "hang out" (or, sometimes, straight out getting invited to "spend the night"/"sleep with... for fun; no strings attached") at the apartments of male classmates. A big NOPE. Invites to go out drinking when I was underage? I always passed. (side note: I still don't drink alcohol but that's more because a) I've never been drawn to drinking and b) doctors have suggested I abstain from alcohol for health (anxiety) reasons.) If you're old enough to drink, I have nothing against it; just don't get so drunk that your judgment is impaired. I was one of the fortunate few who was never invited to try drugs but I wouldn't have regardless. Ditching class? Invited to do. Cheat on exams? Definitely had those temptations (but I couldn't/can't). Doing things that would harm me (mentally, psychologically, physically, spiritually) in some way? Had at least one per day.

My tips for staying Catholic in college: If you're able to, attend daily Mass. You don't know what a blessing it was for me to be able to do it whenever I didn't have morning classes. Go to confession as frequently as you need to. Pray the Rosary and/or Chaplet of the Divine Mercy daily if possible. Keep praying throughout the day (when you wake up, at meal times, before bed). Offer up anything that may upset you (I personally used St. Therese sacrifice beads during my time at the CINO college). Do novenas. Surround yourself with other faithful Catholics. Get a spiritual director if you don't already have one. Etc etc. There are so many things you can do to keep your faith intact and so many wonderful people willing to help you along the way. If you stumble along the way, remember that you can always try again. We're human and we will all fail at doing something from time to time but we can always pick ourselves up, confess it (if it must be), and start again.

Also, my personal, "no fail" list of patron saints for students:
- Holy Spirit (especially during exam weeks or hard courses)
- St. Thomas Aquinas (patron of students)
- St. Joseph of Cupertino (patron of exam takers)
- Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati (personal academic patron; died one exam short of completing degree, highly recommended for college students)
- look up the patron of the career you've chosen (i.e. St. Drogo for us SLPs-in-training)

This blog post is getting too long so I'll conclude with this: don't be afraid to speak up about your faith and/or your beliefs. If you don't believe yourself capable of defending your faith, read up on it for the next time. We are called to speak the Truth, even if others don't want to hear it. It may not make you popular in this world, but isn't it our goal to reach Heaven and not please those here on earth?

And with that, I must return to my own studies. I have a couple of things due within the next week and I want to finish them as early as possible (read: I want to have some free time without stressing about meeting deadlines).

Good luck, everyone! Remember to not give up or, as Bl. Pier Giorgio used to say, "Verso l'alto!"

Sincerely,

Dear CINO College Alma Mater...

Dear CINO College Alma Mater,

I know that I'm taking a risk by posting a picture from my graduation day one year ago on my instagram. I know that there are some of you that are aware that I keep this blog. I know that you know that I have never mentioned the school nor any of the staff by name so (therefore) you cannot legally do anything to me. I will keep it this way but I will say a few things.

I hope that, a year after I crossed that stage and received that diploma (case), some of my professors didn't go back to "teaching" what was taught prior to and during my two years as an undergrad. You all know that, as a "Catholic" school, students apply because they're looking for the Truth. We are wanting to learn about what our Lord Jesus Christ taught during his ministry here on earth. We are wanting to get closer to Him. We do not apply and begin classes to hear how you think the Catholic Church is wrong. We do not want to hear that YOU think that Church teachings are outdated, how liberation theology is the proper way to interpret the Bible (which, by the way, at least two professors admitted that y'all were not allowed to teach but still did), how the priesthood is horrible (even the lone priest I had as a professor told his class how poorly y'all treated him because he was a man of the cloth), how the Pope is a "super rat in red shoes" (as Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI was called by a particular professor), nor do we want to "learn" things that cause more damage to the Church. Actually, I learnt more about other religions than I did about my own. Yeaaaah....

I am sure that some things were toned down while I was in certain classes because they were all well aware that I was the "traddie" student. Everyone in the department knew. Some professors made me feel like I was a backwards thinking brat, a thorn in their sides. Some verbally expressed (though not bluntly) and others made me cry. In class. Many a tears were shed and many a panic attacks were endured during those two years. Still, I (in my own "rebellious" way) found ways of resisting the nearly daily assaults on the Faith. I wore my white chapel veil (mantilla) to the Red Mass. I was seen leaving the chapel before or in-between classes. You guys didn't like that but it was my way of rebelling. I hope that if there is another student who feels the same way as I did about what it being "taught", you won't make her feel as wretched as you made me feel.

CINO College alma mater, please explain something to me. Why did some of the professor try so hard to condemn Priests, Religious Sisters who wear habits, the Pope (don't know what you all say about Pope Francis since I am of the Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI era), many Church teachings, great men of the Church (such as St. Thomas Aquinas), and those of us who you would consider "traditional" because we follow what the Church believes regarding marriage, abortion (against it), contraceptives, etc? Why are referrals to have abortions given at the health clinic (and, yes, the Cardinal Newman Society has already outed you on the fact)? Why did two of my friends leave due to anxiety and depression (and one mental breakdown) for refusing to go along with what you taught about the Faith? Why were things like the Sacraments of Reconciliation and Marriage looked at as pointless? Why was there no reverence for the Eucharist when there was Eucharistic Adoration (to which I was often the only student present)? Why did one professor teach that Santeria was basically Catholicism with some culture stuff sprinkled in? Why do you teach about tolerance and love when you couldn't even show that to us who were orthodox Catholics?

I will admit that I once wanted to go into teaching and hoped to return, just to show future students that not all of us dragged the Church and clergy through the mud. But, no. I'm not going to do. God has slowly shown me that, while I do love school and being in an academic setting, my gifts are better used as a Speech Therapist. I will never, however, give up the fight against schools like yours; schools which confuse young minds and drag them further away from Church. There are many young people who are considering attending these kinds of schools but I am going to let them know what the experience is for a practicing Catholic. Again, I won't talk trash about you -- how childish and uncharitable would that be? -- but I will tell them the truth.

The only things I learned while at your institution were how to protect myself, my mind, and my soul... and what is taught on the "other side" of arguments so I can properly defend the faith. For that, I thank you. Do I wish I did not feel behind my friends in terms of what I knew about the Faith because none of it was taught at your school? Yes. Do I wish things had ended up differently? Yes. Would I try to dissuade other orthodox Catholics from attending the school? Oh yes. But would I trade it all for two schools at another school? No.

Though I cried, hyperventilated, and lost sleep throughout the two years I attended the school, I was given a confidence that I did not know I had... and I was brought closer to God because I saw what was being taught and how hurtful some things must have been to Him. Not because it's going to physically hurt Him but because He sees how much damage some people are doing to their souls at this school. I'm going to pray for every student that is in the same shoes I was in. I am going to pray that those who can be easily swayed will keep away from your entrance and will go elsewhere. I will pray that those who are up for the fight are more successful than I was. I will pray that one day proper Church teachings will be taught. I will not stop praying for current and future students (as well as the staff) until things change.

I want you to know that, a year after I said "goodbye" to you, I am doing well. Sure, I'm about 15-20 lbs lighter than you last saw me because of a stomach illness that I am still trying to shake off but I am happy. God has helped me get my life back on track. I am learning about the most important thing in my life (my Faith and my love of God). As Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati used to so, "Verso l'alto" (to the top); I'm going onward and upwards.

I hope that this open letter hasn't offended you too much. It was not my intention to get you all upset but it was my intention to open your eyes and make you realize that some of us do realize what's going on and we do not like it. Think about the future of your students, about their souls and your own. Please do the right thing.

I have not much else to say except "thank you" for the "education" I received and the opportunity given to me to complete my B.A. Please do not expect me at any reunions or to give any donations until liberation theology and books like this are no longer taught and assigned. Nothing against some of the lovelier staff but I cannot, in good conscience, support a school that tries to destroy the Church that I love so much.

Sincerely,


P.S. Stop sending me fundraising tickets. They're going to keep meeting the waste bin until I feel I can begin supporting y'all.

St. Therese of Lisieux, My CINO College Buddy

This is a picture of the St. Therese shirt that I wore throughout the two years I was at the CINO college. I made it (it's one of a kind ;D) because I needed a buddy whenever I had to face the wolves and I always found comfort having her image with me.

If you can't read the quote, it says: "For one pain endured with joy, we shall love the good God more forever." I knew my professors would read it while I gave my reports so... you know. ;) Appropriate, no? ;)

I won't make this blog post too long (I have work to do) but I will say that without her and Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati, I don't think I would've made it out of the CINO college in one piece. Since it's her feast day today, I thought it would be appropriate to write about how she was there for me.

As most of you know, I had one heck of a bad time at the CINO college... especially during my first year there. I would often go to the chapel to pray either before or in between classes. I would be sad and frustrated and that made me crave some time with God. If I had the time (and the weather wasn't too hot, too rainy, or too cold), I would visit the St. Therese alcove set up near the chapel. The alcove is beautiful and one of my favorite places there. It's a bit rustic but you can see the city of Los Angeles in the background. Breathtaking scenery but heartbreaking problems with the professors caused many tears to be shed there.

I got into the habit of using her sacrifice beads while at that school. Every blasphemy and heresy the professors uttered (which I couldn't contest because either I wasn't given the chance or because I was so upset that I was having an anger induced panic attack) was offered up. On particularly bad days, I would count up to 50+ of them. I'm serious. Each time I would cringe (or cry; yes, I would cry in class on occasion), I remembered how much St. Therese silently suffered and that would give me some comfort.

Anyway, just wanted to share this with y'all. If you need a heavenly buddy when you're in a difficult situation (such as at a school or in a class with anti-Catholic teachings), St. Therese is wonderful. I learned a lot about how to handle those types of situations and my own spirituality grew as well. :D

Happy feast day, St. Therese of Lisieux... and thank you for all the flowers you've sent me during the last two years. :D

Well, I'm Not Stopping...

I have my first midterm tomorrow and I need to finish studying for it (as well as finishing part of my Thesis) so this will be short.

So, apparently someone whom I considered a friend from school has been very, uh, blab-y. This means that there is a very, very good chance that some professors and (possibly) school officials read this blog. This person whom I trusted, well... let's say that this was not the only thing she did but that's beside the point. The point is that things I write about on this blog somehow come up. Some professors are mine are treating me more rudely than usual. One of them (who I recently mentioned) has been nicer and has moved on in terms of who they pick on. Some girls now refer to me as "that girl with the blog that rags on the school." Huh. Interesting.

One quick note for those who are from my school and read this: I will not be intimidated into stopping. I will not cease to write the things I experience at that school because they are true and because, really, things that are taught are spiritually harmful to us Catholics. Oh yeah, and you cannot do anything to keep me from writing because a) I don't use my proper name (only a nickname/pen name), b) I don't say where I attend school, and c) I never mention professors by name. Everything I write is true. I wouldn't write something false to slander anyone and I wouldn't risk ruining my soul by lying about things that are not true; I detest it with a passion. What I write is my experience and if something is off, I will say it is off. If I say that we are mostly taught liberation theology (despite y'all being forbidden to), it's because you guys do teach it. If I say that y'all know you're not supposed to teach these things and yet you do, it's because it's true. If I write that some of you drag my beloved Pope Benedict XVI (as well as some priests) through the mud during your lecture, it's because I thought it was completely uncalled for and I wanted to share my discontent. I don't only write negative things about this school but if it seems that way it's because my experience has been mostly a negative one.

You cannot keep me from graduating or receiving my diploma because my hard work and grades say that I should. I will not modify my Thesis to fit your beliefs. If I want to write about how my generation needs to evangelize using Catholic New Media, then I will and I will be faithful to the Church doing so.

I won't start a fight... but I will defend myself, the beautiful Church I belong to, and the God I love. I just thought I would share. ;)

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go back to reading Gaudium et Spes because I will be using it in my Thesis.

Ooh, My CINO College Is in Trouble...

"Finally!" I know. lol. The reason why I waited so long to write this post is because I wanted a) get my final grades for the semester before I posted (3.8 for the semester, baby!) and b) I was so disappointed with what I "learned" and I didn't want to write a post full of rants. I hope to be as diplomatic as possible when I write this but... fair warning, we all know how much I do not like my CINO (Catholic In Name Only) College.

First off, let me say that I am not going to expose my school by giving name of it or of the professors because I want to graduate next May (lol) and I've heard that they are "sue happy" and they've already sued a former student for "slander." Yes, I wrote slander in quotes because it really isn't... and they know it. You see the title? Yeah, I've had three separate confirmations from professors (both within the department of my major and outside the department) that they actually don't teach what they're supposed to. One professor said that all professors in Catholic colleges sign something (very vague) that says that they're not supposed to teach liberation theology... but they still do. This professor acknowledged that they would get into trouble if others found out what was being "taught." Another professor confirmed that what they "teach" is liberation theology but they try to find ways to call it something else so that they won't get discovered (something I also got from my confessor -- who is not affiliated with the school -- when I mentioned it). Yup. They don't seem to care that we know these things because they pride themselves in it and because a lot of my classmates agree with me. Most do but there are some of us (a very, very, very small portion of us) who are so excited to be graduating in a little over 4 months because we are not happy.

This semester I was lucky enough to have only two classes that were Religious but they were... interesting. In one we had the odd lectures that were surprisingly orthodox (though I suspect that was for my sake as it is well known in the department that I am "traditional" one). It was not as bad as some of my previous courses but you could tell that they were really pushing the liberal agenda at us because all but one of us were seniors and we're graduating in May. I made a new friend in the class whom I suffered with. She has it well hidden that she's orthodox because it's kind of dangerous to be known as not being in agreement with the liberalism, but we definitely had a chance to talk when we were just so disappointed in what was being taught. The other class had some blatant anti-Catholic literature that made me want to cry. I actually think I did cry once. It was so bad.

I recently found out that my school has also aligned itself with a very well known politician that is pro-abortion and pro a bunch of things that are against Catholic beliefs. Um, yeah. My school's in trouble alright. Not in the "ooh, I'm telling and then y'all can sue me" way but... the school is in danger of getting worse and being responsible for misguiding so many young men and women that attend it. I would love to go back one day and become a professor so that I can teach what is the Truth. I probably wouldn't last long (a professor already left because they did not want her to teach certain things) but I would try my hardest to change things.

This is one of the biggest reasons why I majored in Religious Studies and why I want to teach. I want to help however many people I know that all of that will actually end up hurting them in the long run. It's no longer me being rebellious against them and being so "loud and proud" of being "traditional" (I don't even like using that term but they use it); it's about saving these kids. I've seen so many of my classmates go in with the right mindset and then come out (one short semester later) renouncing what proper Catholic education they were given prior to attending this school. It's so sad to see this and I try to speak up as much as I can but since I'm only a "student" and I "don't know better than they do; I'm wrong, they're right," I don't get taken seriously by many of my classmates. I do help some but I sadly cannot help them all.

I sincerely wish that my school gets its act together or that they formally drop the "Catholic" from their description because we're not taught Catholicism properly. Most of the time in Religious Studies classes, we don't even get much Catholicism. The Ex corde Ecclesiae (which one of my professors didn't name but I learned about on my own) is not being followed. Why should a school, whose professors blatantly trash the Pope, priests and the Church's teachings, get to keep a Catholic identity when it's anything but? I don't get it. It's like false advertisement. If I'd known all of this way before I committed myself to finishing my degree at this school, I would've gone else.

While I no longer get graded down for my assignments (I'm pretty sure they know I'd do something if they continued doing it), I'm still not happy. It it well known that I am public enemy #1 of the department. I'm sort of infamous at the moment for this. I'm known as "that super religious girl." lol. So people know I have a blog (because a "friend" exposed me as a blogger) but they don't know which one it is or my pen name. (Though, after I receive my diploma, that will change.) I don't like trouble but I'm not going to back down when I see or hear the Church being trashed. It's not right. I love God and I love the Church so much that it hurts me when they speak falsehoods against Him and her. I do have a little over 4 months to go (and that is if they approve my Thesis, which I've already been warned that I could "bomb" thus keeping me from graduating) so... lots and lots of prayers from now until early May.

Anyway, that's my recap of the penultimate semester at my CINO college. I did not write a list of things I was "taught" this semester because I would've started ranting about it. I may one day write everything down but at the moment, I'm just letting my prison sentence... er, I mean, my last couple of months pass before I can give me final evaluation of my "education" at this school. Now I just need your prayers because my Thesis is going to be a battle. They already want me to change things to fit their liberal views but I'm stubborn and it's my Thesis so... not going to happen. Sorry. ;) I hope that those of you at other CINO colleges know that you are not alone and that I will be praying for y'all because I know how much this situation stinks.

That's all for now. I will have posts earlier tomorrow and on Christmas day (which is also the 4th anniversary of this blog.) Oh, and, P.S. don't forget to vote for the patron saint of 2012 (the poll is on the right hand side). You may vote for however many saints you'd like. Right now St. Catherine of Siena and St. Teresa of Avila are in the lead and Mary, Undoer of Knots is only (as of this point) one vote behind. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless. :D

It's Finally Happened...

Brace yourselves for something you never thought you'd hear from me. Are you sitting down? Are you ready? You sure? Okay, here it goes...

... we finally had an orthodox Religious Studies lecture. *gasp* Am I being punked? lol.

All kidding aside, I am very surprised about how yesterday's Christology class went. We had an actual lecture where there was no mention of liberation theology or any feminist rants. I may sound a little pessimistic when I say that I don't expect this to last but we've already been told that we'll focus the second half of the semester on the liberal side of Christology so I'm counting yesterday as a fluke. Yeeeah. Fun. lol. Maybe, since it Mama Mary's birthday yesterday, it was a feast day miracle. (side note: Have I mentioned that they gave out birthday cake during the lunch hour because of the feast of the Nativity of Our Blessed Mother? Yeah, I know. Surprise!) Or maybe the prof is trying to get me to put my guard down. Either way, I'm prepared for whatever comes my way. One thing I do know is that I'm in for a hard semester.

Lack of updates is due to the insane amount of homework I have. I have to read no less than 200 pages per week for my classes not to mention study for weekly exams/quizzes, papers, and all that fun stuff. And by fun I mean torture. lol. Actually, except for my Christology course, none of my classes are that hard. The work is just ridiculously time consuming. I thought I would be able to finish everything early and enjoy my weekend but I work right through my weekend as well. Some professors apparently believe their's is the only class we're taking because some assign up to 150 pages to read every week. For one class. Now do y'all get my absence from online activity? I have a feeling I will finish this semester mentally exhausted.


Not much to note besides the homework and something else that I've been wanting to write about. No, not the purging of music that makes me uncomfortable (though I do have iTunes open and go through the songs while I read) or the skirt experiment but something else. :) I'll write it soon enough. ;D

Anyway, I just wanted to update y'all on my school situation. I know many of y'all were brought to this blog when Patrick Madrid, First Things, and the Cardinal Newman Society all highlighted my CINO College post and I still get asked how things are going. I think my biggest challenge will happen when I write my Thesis next semester. I have it down to two possible things I want to write the 40 page Thesis (yes, you read that right) on and neither will go down well with my adviser but it's my paper so ha! ;) For now I'll just keep on swimming (a la Nemo's Dory) and try to make it out of this semester alive. :D

That's it for now. I did 8 straight days of cramming/studying and all I want to do is listen to music and catch up on my movie viewing today. I may have a special post scheduled for Sunday if I can get it written on time. Stay tuned for that. :D

I hope y'all are doing well, especially those who are back at work and school. :) I also hope y'all have a great, safe weekend. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!

Hooray for Reverse Senioritis; School Update

As I stated in the last blog post, I seem to have reverse senioritis which is why there hasn't been an update in over a week. What exactly is reverse senioritis, you may ask. Well, instead of not wanting to do the coursework assigned because I'm in the last couple of months before graduation I'm actually doing what I can to get ahead. I'm actually currently behind a couple of days because this week has been quite eventful (including a car accident on the way to school AND a mini earthquake yesterday; no worries, no one was hurt) and I haven't had the time to sit down and properly study in a couple of days. My goal is to be a week or so ahead in most of my classes which is doable if I take this weekend to do it. I can do it since the readings aren't too bad but I will need to take a break from the 'net until Sunday day of rest) and then again until probably Tuesday.

As for how school is going: I'm at the moment indifferent. I'm loving my Norse mythology course because of the imagination they had and because my professor is so passionate about it that he makes the lectures interesting. My Christology class is going okay. I feel like I'm getting mixed messages and y'all know I'm not too happy about that. Some things are right on the mark and others have me sitting in my seat, moving a St. Therese Sacrifice Bead over and offering it up. I feel like it's also too PC (politically correct) but I've felt that way about all my Religious Studies classes thus far. It's almost as if it's criminal to talk about what the Church's actual teachings on subjects such as homosexuality are not taught for fear of offending people. Y'all know my theory: I'd rather be told the Truth and have people ticked off for having the guts to say it than offending the Lord but maybe that's just me. The semester is still in its early days (we just finished the 2nd week) so I'm still hoping and praying that we'll eventually get less mixed messages. There's still hope. :)

Everything else is going great. Anxiety's been a bit of a mess with the events that happened yesterday but I'm drinking red rooibos tea which helps the anxiety go down and all things are good. :) Oh, and I know I was vague about a tweet I made about changes happening but I hope to be able to write about it on Monday (if I am able to finish reading by Saturday night). It'll work out because part of it involves music and y'all know I enjoy my Music Monday posts. :D

Anyway, just wanted to give y'all an update. I hope those of you who are already back in school are finding your classes a little easier to manage than last year (seems most of us had a hard time last school year). As I said, I hope to post on Monday about the changes coming up... which I may or may not be criticized for but I feel these are needed. :)

Hope y'all had a great week and have a fantastic long weekend. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless! :D

*Chanting* Senior Year! Senior Year!

I just received the first email from one of my new professors (a priest) for my last Religious Studies course needed for my major (not counting my Thesis). Ladies and gentlemen, I am about to start my senior year of college. It's a little surreal that it's finally here... well, almost here. I technically don't start until next month but I already have an assignment before the semester begins so I guess I can say that it's finally here.

As many of you know, it's taken me YEARS to get to this point. If I had gone straight to college, without any interruptions, straight out of high school I would've graduated with my B.A. about 4-5 years ago. I know, I know... I still look like a teenager but I really am in my mid-late twenties. (side note: I'm still trying to figure out if 26 is still mid-twenties or late twenties.) ;) I took a couple of years off to take care of my dad while he battled cancer, I took the year follow my dad's death (the 2 year anniversary coming up next Monday) off, and I took a year off after high school while I dealt with my own anxiety. But, you know, I wouldn't have changed any of it for an earlier graduation date. I would've felt worse if I hadn't done what I did for dad (and I still think it wasn't enough). Also, it's made me appreciate my education and the road I've taken to this point so much more than if I had just gone through and majored in Pre-Law as was first planned.

I'm so excited about the start of my senior year (despite the lack of funds for my textbooks) that I don't know what to do with myself. lol. I want to get a little more involved in school activities but my list is limited as y'all know the rep my school has. lol. But, I do want to get as much out of my last year. I know I will eventually go back for my Master's but I will most likely work for a year or two before I pursue it so I want to get some good college experiences in while I still can. :D Any tips or suggestions y'all have to make the most of it, especially attending a CINO college?

Anyway, I won't bore you anymore... oh, wait, I forgot something. lol. I have OFFICIALLY been granted my Cal Grant for the upcoming school year as of this week. I know you some of y'all were praying for the past 2-3 months as I fought to get it reinstated and, Thank you, God!, the school has been notified. This means I won't need to take out loans at all if I choose not to. I may ask for a small one (the smallest I can possibly get as I don't need much) so I can buy my textbooks but it's not going to be so big that I feel overwhelmed. The Lord truly does provide if you have faith and trust... especially if you have exhausted your options and still haven't given up hope. :D I'm also going to ask if I can get work-study to cover textbooks and transportation (I have to take a major freeway to and from school) costs if I can't get a small enough loan. Fingers crossed, y'all. :)

Okay, NOW I have nothing more to say on the matter... until I actually start the semester in late August. Y'all know I have issues with what is taught but I will try to be as charitable this school year as I possibly can. :) That is something I really want to work on before I leave because, well, as I said, my school has a particular rep for a reason. ;)

I hope y'all are having a great week thus far. :) Oh, and if you're following on, we're on day 5 of the 54 day Rosary novena. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!

I'm at a Crossroads: Religion or Writing?

Image: jscreationzs / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I'm currently at a sort of crossroads. With the California Student Aid Commission being jerks about my Cal Grant (I SHOULD be eligible for one more year as I've only received 3 years worth of Cal Grants AND I'm one of the students that actually needs the money as I have none to pay for school), I've been forced to think about what I'm going to do when I graduate from college in less than a year. Okay, looming graduation date and Graduate School applications are also making me think about it. It takes me a while to really consider everything before applying to schools as I take my education seriously.

Lately (as in the past couple of weeks) I've been feeling as if I'm not meant to pursue a Master of Arts in Religious Studies or Theology. Have I ever mentioned that I always dreamed about going to the University of British Columbia (UBC) to study Creative Writing? Maybe it's because I've been so disillusioned with my undergraduate Religious Studies education or because I've been stifling my love of writing for something more practical (teaching Religion). Maybe it's this nagging feeling that I should be in Vancouver (which I've had for nearly 5 years; it started almost at the same time I returned to the Church) or maybe it's my undying desire to attend UBC. I don't know. All I know is that a Master's in Religion or Theology is not currently appealing... and I feel like I'm going to need major guidance soon.

I've been getting a lot of older women (and occasionally men) come to me for questions regarding Catholicism. It's kind of weird that in my neighborhood I've kind of become the "go-to" person to ask. An older lady from a couple of blocks away asked me to teach her how to pray the Rosary (after word of mouth from neighbors) and I gladly help with these things. I don't think I'm qualified to help with many things and try to direct them to the right people for the heavier things but I answer whatever questions I can. I refuse to get paid for it though I've been offered. Sharing my faith and my love of Catholicism is something I love to do without asking anything in return. It's when I answer questions others may have that I am most happiest and it makes me re-think the Master's in Theology but deep down I don't feel it. Again, I don't know if it's the disillusionment of my current education, if it's my selfish desire to attend UBC and focus on writing, or if I'm just scared that I just am not qualified enough teach Religion.

I'll admit that I occasionally feel like some sort of fraud. I feel like I know so little that I should not even offer my opinions on certain theological issues that come into conversation. All I know is that I love God, I love our wonderful religion and the beautiful heritage we have. I'm happiest when I'm praying, contemplating, and learning. I cannot get enough of learning about Catholicism but I'm always "still learning." I'm miles behind most of my friends but that's okay.

With writing... it's always felt like a natural extension of who I am. For me to write what's on my mind is like breathing. My best friend growing up, Rudy, recognized it from an early age. We've been friends since we were 5 years old and I can still remember that he'd give me notebooks and pens for my birthday as a gift. He did that until I turned 18 and he moved away with his own dream of entering the Marines. When he still calls, he asks me if I'm still writing and I assure him that I am.

Needless to say, I have no clue as to what to do next. I can either continue my love of learning about Catholicism (and this time at an actual Catholic university, not a CINO) or if I should just pursue my dream of writing for a living. Of course, I can always write about Catholicism and thus do both but I'd need to learn more about the Faith before being able to do so. I don't know. I have a lot to think about.

If y'all can say a little prayer for me (either about these decision or maybe finding a way to fight Cal Grant so I can receive it my final year), I'd greatly appreciate it.

Anyway, I'm still not feeling all that great so I'm going to take it easy. :) Maybe I'll watch a movie and try to take my mind off of all of this for a little bit. I hope y'all are having a good start of week! :)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!

The Lone Ranger Plus One

I've often called myself the "Lone Ranger at (my) CINO college" because I don't often meet other students who share the same beliefs as I do. I had a few friends like that last semester, and we didn't really get our little group together until the last third of the semester, but some of the gals left and the others are taking different classes for their non-Religious Studies major. This semester I'd gone back to being the Lone Ranger in my Religious Studies courses but I feel more confident speaking up so it wasn't as daunting as it had been during the Fall. Most of my classmates seem to agree with my professors' liberal agenda and no one else has dared to question them. Well, that was the case until this morning. All I did was make the decision to study in the cafeteria instead of the library or the commons. I believe God took care of everything else.

As I've said, it looks like the general consensus seems to be that my professors are absolutely brilliant and that they know everything; everything they teach is right and should be accepted as is. Now, I'm not saying that they aren't intelligent women. They definitely know their material but it also doesn't mean that it's always compatible with the Catechism of the Catholic Church. A lot of what is taught isn't (and I've had one professor acknowledge that, though she is required to teach what the Church's stance is on a number of issues, she doesn't because she isn't in agreement with "them") and that is when I have my "issues" with them. I don't think I know more than they do, because I honestly don't, but I know enough to know what is and isn't true in regards to the teachings of the Church. I do agree with them when they say that women and minorities should be treated with more respect. I also agree that it's important for us women to be well educated. That kind of "girl power" I'm totally on board with. It's when it goes to the extreme that we once again clash. There is one class in particular that I don't speak up as much as I do in the others because of the professor's reactions... and it is that class that is bringing some of us "traditional conservatives" together.

I'd just finished my breakfast and was getting ready to take my first exam (I am lucky enough to be able to decide what time I do my exams) when a classmate found me sitting in the cafeteria and asked me if I was done studying. I was but something told me to stay for an additional half hour. It turned out to be the best decision. We studied briefly together, quizzing each other on specific terms and ideas, and that eventually led to our talking about our beliefs. Guess what... there's more of us out there at the CINO college. And so it became the Lone Ranger plus one.

The thing I have to remember is that I can't stay silent about my beliefs. As much as I hate arguments and as much as I try to avoid them, I just can't sit there and "look pretty" while someone bashes Catholicism or says something blasphemous. I'm too passionate about the Truth to not share it. Unfortunately, I think there are too many of us (and I include myself because sometimes I don't feel courageous enough to say certain things) are too intimidated by certain professors so we stay silent. I keep wondering how many of "us" there are at the CINO because we all seem to be hiding in the shadows. I hope that our little group of two will grow as the semester goes on because I truly believe that we need to have that kind of support system, especially at a college like ours.

One good thing about this new friendship (or partner in crime if you want to think of it that way, lol) is that it'll help keep me charitable in my thoughts and words when thinking and speaking about my professors. I've been trying really hard not to call my nun prof the "heretical nun" (last priest I confessed this to laugh while shaking his head) and to be generally kinder despite what they may say and/or teach. I managed to do that today when speaking to my classmate about what goes on in her class. I can easily "go there" (I can be fluent in sarcasm if I allowed myself) when all the buttons have been pushed repeatedly but I'm getting better at it. By the way, I didn't trouble with this until I got to this school so I hope I can keep myself out of trouble. You know... not having to confess this regularly, though I will every time I do it. To quote a professor when speaking about me "the Catholic guilt is alive and well" within me. ;) Also, we both prayed for the intercession of St. Joseph of Cupertino prior to the exam. I don't think I've ever prayed with another classmate, in school no less, so I'm terribly excited about that too. :D Thank you, God, for answering my prayers of finding more like-minded people at the college.

Anyway, just wanted to say that if you're in the same situation as I am, you are not alone. I believe there are many of us in the same boat. All we have to do is stay firm in our beliefs and we'll eventually find others who feel the same way. :)

I'm functioning (if you want to call it that) on 3 hours of sleep so I will stop here. I'm sure I repeated myself and possibly rambled on. If so, I'm sorry. lol. :D I hope everyone has a great weekend.

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless. :D

Proud and Maybe a Little Prejudice

No, not Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice (though y'all should not be surprised with the picture I chose. lol).

My twitter chat with @CatholicDan this morning reminded me of something I talked to our newest parish priest about last weekend... my new struggle with pride. I don't think, and I hope I'm right, I've ever had problems with pride before but it's just one of the things (that I hate) that have come up since attending this school. (And I say "this school" because I'm currently sitting in the cafeteria, waiting for my Math class to begin.)

This is kind of like a sequel to my last post about going through a possible late rebellion. Sometimes, I'm so sure of what I know to be true (see? I'm already doing it) that I sit in the front row and openly make a face to show my disagreement with a professor's statement. I don't think I have all the answers, because I don't... not by a long shot, but I occasionally think I know the answers (or at least those leading to the truth) in comparison to my professors. Hello Pride, didn't see you sneaking up on me. Please go away. Now. The new parish priest (who is so new I don't remember his name, sorry!) told me to be a little more humble when I have these thoughts passing my mind. I am thankful that I do catch myself before I go down this path, and even more so after talking to the priest, but I do slip up. I don't mean to but I'm human and I do make these mistakes.

Last week wasn't as bad as the first two weeks back but I did have one or two "ugh, you're so wrong!" moments. I need to remind myself that if I do have the right answers and do know the truth, that I can share it with my classmates in a way that doesn't look like I'm trying to show off. I'm not, despite to contrary beliefs of some classmates who think I am "holier than thou"... because I pray before I eat and go to the chapel to pray when time allows. I'm sorry, I didn't know these things were done to show I'm "better" than others... because I'm clearly not nor do I ever think so.

I have seriously begun to look into transferring because I'm slowly losing the battle. I don't like the person I'm slowly becoming. I don't like that I am being proud and occasionally prejudice (I have decided not to participate in Campus Ministry despite majoring in Religious Studies). I don't like that my professors are shoving the liberal, feminist agenda down our throats more than ever. I don't like that I have been embarrassed by professors in front of classmates for trying to get them to clear some Biblical things for us. I am not happy. At all. I do still get a kick when I occasionally stump them but those moments are becoming less frequent when they pull the "I know more you do, so shut up" card on me. Again, I know they know more than I do, but I still think that telling us that homosexuality is of God and that God just wants us to be happy (hinting that if we want to go ahead and have a homosexual relationship it's totally fine). Oh and hell doesn't exist either. I mean, seriously? I don't know, I'm about to throw in the towel because this place is really bringing out the worst in me and it makes me want to cry.

Alright, I should go read a bit in one of the books that I cringe at. lol. I hope y'all have a great week.

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless!