Back to the Scene of the Crime; CINO College Return

No, I did not commit an actual crime... but I did return to my alma mater. (insert smirk)

Before I go on, I'm going to point you new folks to the following blog posts from my time at that school because, well, I had a very interesting time at this school. A "traddie" leaning Catholic at a liberal "Catholic" college? Read for yourselves:
- First Impressions
- Back To School Week From Heck
- CINO (Catholic in Name Only) and Double Majors -- the most popular blog post for many years
- I'm Undercover at the CINO...
- The Lone Ranger Plus One
- It's Finally Happened...
- Quick Question... (CINO College Related)
- Ooh, My CINO College is in Trouble...
- Profs Don't Like Me But Like Abortion
- Well, I'm Not Stopping...
- Emmy, Defender of the Pope and Priests? 
- Lecture Notes from My CINO College Alma Mater

I attended my CINO college alma mater from 2010 to 2012, graduating in May 2012. The last time I was on campus (May 5, 2012) was for the Baccalaureate Mass since it's a "Catholic" (yep, still using those quotation marks) school. I said "I'm free! I'm never coming back here! Peace out, suckers!" Yeeeah. 4 years, 4 months, and 12 days later I set foot on campus once again and I've been there twice in the past week.

Prior to the beginning of this semester I couldn't find proctor that didn't charge an arm and a leg to get my exams proctored. Since I'm attending Utah State as a distance education/online student, I need to get all my exams (except, obviously, those that are open book) proctored. I didn't have that issue during my brief stint at JP Catholic because they trusted us to be truthful and not cheat during our exams but USU is a little more... cautious. I spent a couple of days emailing and/or waiting for responses from local schools about my exams. Only one said they were able to do it (and for free since I'm an alumna) -- my CINO college alma mater.

I was a little nervous about returning because of how I left; I was not liked when I was at that school. I shed a lot of tears and I was made to feel like a religious freak weirdo person because I wasn't a "liberal" like them. I still remember the looks I got when I veiled at the Red Mass my first year there; I was openly "traddie" and it was odd for them. I'm pretty sure at least one staff member/professor has read this blog at some point to make sure I wasn't outing them by name. (side note: for the record, I've never publicly named it for legal matters; they like to sue people.) I wasn't sure if I was going to see any of my former professors (who, I believe, are still working there) so it was going to be interesting for me. So far I haven't seen any professors but I still have 7 more months of exams that are getting proctored so there's always a chance I might.

The weird thing about my return was how at peace and at home I felt. No, really. It may because I've always felt at peace on campus (outside of the classroom, of course); being so close to the school chapel and spending so much time in there by myself when I was a student probably helped. Being surrounded by the beauty of nature, seeing so many beautiful statues... remembering what I went through, I loved it. I genuinely loved the couple of hours I was on campus this and last week. I even thought "well... this is always an option to get an Education MS with an emphasis on speech impaired and deaf students." (side note #2: yes, they offer the degree with that emphasis and it would go along with the current degree I'm working towards.) And, if that wasn't enough, it made me feel the way I felt when I was at that school: so in love with the Church and the faith that I couldn't (and still can't, to be honest) see myself doing anything else. It was like the return to campus rekindled the fire to learn as much as I could about the faith to teach younger generations the beauty and truth of the Church.

You know that horrible spiritual dryness I endured for weeks during this (late) summer? It's like it never happened. I was slowly coming out of it but my return to that school erased whatever remained of it. In fact, I was -- dare I say -- joyful. I was so happy; smiling and laughing and being a lot more charitable than I've felt in recent weeks. I haven't felt so at peace with everything for a long, long time. Passing 2 of my 3 exams (I failed one) and not having much time to study for the exams hasn't dampered my spirits. I even said to myself -- while I had a private, prayerful moment, on campus, prior to the exams -- that if I didn't pass my courses well enough to finish the degree, I would return to get my Theology MA. I was happy and at peace with that thought, too. For the record, I'm not saying I'm jumping ship on this degree or returning to JP Catholic but I'm open to whatever God has in store for me. If it's His will that I don't finish this degree for whatever reason or if He wants me to do something else, I'm totally onboard.

The point to this blog post is to say that I'm really glad I returned to my alma mater because it's helped me find myself and renew that faith once again... at the "Catholic" college where there are female (occasionally nun) professors who drag priests and Pope (Emeritus) Benedict XVI through the mud... and say it's okay for us to say that God is a woman. It's weird, right? Yep, keep surprising me, God. Now that I've quit making long-term plans, I can't wait to see what He has in store for me next. I have a feeling I'll get a lot more clarity as I continue to spend time on campus before and after exams.

Anyway, I want to rest my eyes and mind from all the non-stop studying and screen time so I'm going to go try to finish My Beloved: The Story of a Catholic Nun by Mother Catherine Thomas. Shout out to the Los Angeles Public Library for having a copy for me to read! (Shameless plug, you can also check out my author profile at Goodreads  -- if you haven't already -- while you're on the Goodreads website.)

I hope y'all are having a lovely start of the week!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Feverish Update

I'm currently sitting on my bed, trying to bring down my fever with cold, damp washcloths and cold tea. Cold tea isn't my favorite but I don't think my body would like hot liquids when I'm already warm. Since my stomach is sensitive and I can't take just any ol' fever reducer because some lower platelets, gotta exhaust the natural stuff first. Also, no doctor's appointments with my doctor until after August 30th. Seriously. I just called a few minutes ago. This is the second fever since Friday's fever but it's the first that's lasted more than 12 hours. Apparently there's a virus going around so I'm not too worried about it -- just gotta stay hydrated and rest as much as I can.

I know some of you are wondering about what's happened since my last blog post. Since then, I've sought the advice of friends who know me well and one theme kept coming back: go down the SLP route. It wasn't until a good friend pointed out something to me that made me decide to return to this path. "Wait, didn't you discard those options before?" I had... again, until I realized one big major thing: I wasn't factoring in how it would affect my mom.

Mom has been super supportive of whatever I want to do. I think she might feel like I've sacrificed too much to help her and Dad (when he was still alive) which is why she's supported my Theology degree path. Yes, even though I've been warned about how little money there is in the field, she's been onboard. I just always figured God would help provide along the way. However, it became increasingly obvious over the weekend that mom isn't going to make it to 65, the retirement age she prefers. She's only about 3 years away from that but I don't see her lasting more than another year or two. After 40+ years of all the manual labor, her body just can't keep going. When she told me that she wanted to get another vacation break (after just having one earlier this month) in September and this time she wanted it to be 2 weeks instead of one because her body was exhausted, I knew I had only one choice: to take a little detour from Theology so that my mom can retire sooner than I can take care of this household with my own paycheck.

I'll admit, I was both disappointed and nervous about returning to the SLP field. Disappointed because I can see that my passion lies in Theology and it just felt like I was supposed to be on that path. Nervous because my anemia popped up during my first stint at Utah State. I lost all that weight and my cell lines were affected. That fear that the same would happen entered my mind and it wouldn't go. Then two things happened: St. Therese taught me a lesson AND a mistaken grade gave me a bit of confidence.

I remembered that St. Therese had to wait a couple of years to enter the Carmelites and how bitterly disappointed she was to have to wait. I'm not saying that her entering the Carmelites and my waiting to continue my Theology degree are comparable but it was a lovely reminder that sometimes we have to wait to do what we feel is God's will for us. She did eventually enter, just like I will (God willing) eventually return to finish the degree. I can offer up the disappointment in the meantime.

Also, it turns out my final grade for my final course at JP Catholic was slightly higher than I had anticipated. Still not high enough to keep my financial aid available (I ended up with 2.97 GPA) but It was completely unexpected but very timely. I actually managed to pull off a decent grade with the anemia that returned during the quarter as well as the lack of study time because the maintenance workers were in and out of the apartment, working on fixing the bathroom. (side note: nope, it's still not done, 8 months after they gutted it). I worked hard and I did it. Maybe I can do the same this second time around. I've finally found a study schedule that works for me and my doctor ordered some folic acid, iron, and vitamin C tablets to help with the anemia. (Thanks to all the blood work she had them do, she saw that my folate level is half of what it should be which is why I can't kick the anemia for long periods of time.)

I applied as a returning student to Utah State yesterday. I left in good standing from both that school and JP Catholic so nothing was going to keep me from having a clean record. I've also had my transcripts sent to Utah State from JP Catholic (even though it was a different subject and degree). Now all I have to do is wait... and pray.

I hope I'm doing the right thing. If it's God's will that I do Theology, I hope He doesn't mind the detour for a year or so to take care of financial matters for Mom and I. If I do get accepted to return, I'm only 8 courses short of my second Bachelor's degree and should be able to graduate early next May. After receiving my degree, I'll do 100 supervised hours at a local university (two courses which will be paid out of pocket... ouch) for 8-10 weeks and then I will be officially licensed to work as an SLPA in the state of CA.

Anyway, that's where I am right now. No longer aimless but just disappointed that I couldn't do my Theology degree first. As I said, not enough experience and/or requirements to work in the archdiocese just yet. :( I simply need to remind myself that this is a sacrifice I need to make for the good of this household... one that I hope to do with joy. I can't be selfish even though I sometimes wish I could be. I am human, after all.

Alright, I'm going to go try to rest. I'm not used to not doing anything so this is going to be harder than it sounds. Seriously, binge watching feels unnatural to me but it may be the only thing that will keep me from moving around and being active when I should be resting and letting my body try to fight off whatever is causing the fever and headache. :)

I hope y'all have had a lovely beginning of week!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Nevermind, I am Leaving...

Please disregard the whole "I'm not leaving" post from hours earlier. I've officially withdrawn. Long story short: my financial aid was entirely revoked because of the 3.0 minimum. Without financial aid, I can't pay for my classes. "Wait, didn't you say the 2.7...?" Yep. That's what I thought as well. Financial aid is apparently a different beast. It didn't matter that I received a 2.85 in the Fall because of my car accident and having missed half the quarter. It didn't matter than I received a 3.0 this quarter.

I could technically appeal it but I'm not going to. An alumnus helped me there (seriously). I've made the choice to withdraw and go elsewhere. I didn't get kicked out; I've voluntarily chosen to leave instead of getting a private loan. It wasn't worth it to me. I'm already technically a student elsewhere (I never declined admission last year... oops); it's just a matter of whether I want to attend this other school or go elsewhere and do something else.

Maybe this is why I got sick the day of orientation and only felt better until I physically left. Maybe this is why health obstacles were put in my way. Maybe it's all just a bunch of coincidences. Who knows. All I know is that I'm no longer a JP Catholic student.

I wish them the best of luck. The program is great and the professors are very knowledgeable and I thank them for the past two quarters.

Onto bigger and better things. Verso l'alto!

Alright, I have a fever (I've had it since that headache I mentioned in the last post) and my body is starting to ache so I'm going to rest. Yes, having to leave school AND getting sick on the same day. What a lucky gal I am. lol.

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

I Almost Left Grad School

The past couple of days have been a bit of a crazy whirlwind of confusion, stress, and disappointment for me. Why?, you may be wondering (if you didn't see the Instagram post or get a long email from me). Simple: I almost left JP Catholic's graduate program and I had to come up with my final decision and options in two days (by today). 

Basically, it all boiled down to not having the GPA (or so I thought) to continue in the program. I believe I received an 86% final grade for my course (did well on everything except the essay portion of the final exam which hurt the final grade). Between this B and the 2.85 GPA from the disastrous Fall quarter, I have a 2.92 GPA. The GPA minimum was a 3.0. My brain automatically went "Mayday! Mayday!" 

As soon as I figure out my culminative GPA, I went into planning mode because I sure wasn't going to sit around and feel sorry for myself. While I waited for confirmation about having to leave the program, I looked into different things. I looked at the nearby school that has a Speech-Language Pathology program, having the option to finish the state requirements to start working as an SLPA (Speech-Language Pathology Assistant). I do have classes (in which I did well) under my belt from my time at Utah State. I also remembered that I had options to do my Theology degree elsewhere but, honestly, I wasn't super thrilled about any of the other programs (that I could do online). 

I kept trying to remind myself that I was sure that Theology was the path God wanted me to take but doubt momentarily crept into my mind. "What if I discerned my career path wrong? What if this was just so that I could get the Theology bug out of my system? What if this was just so I could grow spiritually?" I looked at jobs I can do in the Archdiocese with my BA degree and my work experience. A few came up but nothing that I was sure was a right fit for me. I looked at jobs out of state. Some were exactly what I wanted to do but then I remembered that my savings have been depleted and I have responsibilities in L.A. so no go.

I finally got word that the minimum GPA to stay in the program was lowered to a 2.7 as of this Spring so I could stay. My scholarship would be decreased by 20% but that wasn't a big deal for me. Though I could stay, I then wondered if I wanted to stay. While my professor is brilliant and I enjoy his classes, I've traditionally done poorly on the essay portion of his final exams. Sure, I do well on everything else but I tank on the essays in the final exams. "What if I can't get a good enough grade to keep the 2.7 minimum? What if I can't 'get' what the professor wants in the final exam?" Oh, "What Ifs...", my old anxiety-inducing friend. Nope, I wasn't going to go down that rabbit hole.

I reached out to those whom I trust and told them what happened. I needed prayer. I needed to figure out what to do. Some encouraged me to return to the SLP field. Others just listened and said they'd pray for me. One friend told me to get in touch with my professor and talk to him about what he's looking for on the final exam. Another encouraged me to stick it out for one more quarter before leaving (if I still wanted to leave). I still haven't heard back from my professor but I hope he does get back to me before the next quarter (which begins on Monday) is in its second week.

What it came down to was choosing what I feel God is calling me to do. I was honest with myself -- if I did SLP, I would mostly be doing it for the financial stability more than anything. Yes, it would help people out and I loved working with the kids when I did on-site/field hours but passion and my heart are in the Theology field. That much was pointed out by at least two people; it's clear that I'm in my element when it comes to Theology. All the "what ifs" started getting answered. "What if... I couldn't find a decent job in L.A. once I graduate?" I'll move. "What if... I bomb out and then owe the government even more money for the three quarters I spent at JP Catholic?" I'll find a job and pay it back somehow. "What if... the money isn't enough since the field is so hard to get into and doesn't pay that well?" God will provide somehow.

I feel a peace about the path I'm on but I did have some doubts while things were in limbo. I need to remember to trust God, even when things are momentarily topsy turvy. I still feel like this is what I'm meant to be doing so I'm going to continue. If my GPA isn't that stellar and I have to leave, well, I'll deal with that if it happens. I've already taken proactive steps into improving as a student (reaching out to my professor; being on top of my work) and improving my health (doctor prescribed iron pills, folic acid, and vitamin C to help with my anemia and dismal folate level). All I can do now is pray and work hard and see what happens in the future.

Anyway, just sharing this part of my journey. It's not always glamorous or fun but stuff like this happens. 

I'm currently experiencing a pretty blah headache (possibly a migraine) so I'm going to rest for a little while before I have to go pick up Mom from work.

I hope everyone has been doing well!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Freedom!!... Sort Of.

Hello everyone! No, I didn't forget about y'all. Yes, there were a couple of times when I wanted to write but couldn't. Why? Final project (a 3-week Bible study on the Davidic kingdom covenant), lots of reading, a couple of weekly exams, and then the final exam, which I literally finished 8-9 minutes before it was due last night. Basically, if I could study instead of doing something else, I chose to study. That means I had to decline on a couple of outings, I didn't do much reading for fun, and I was basically glued to the kitchen chair (I study best at the kitchen table). Now I understand why people would tell me that I would no longer have a life once I started grad school. Still, I am done for the next two weeks... sort of.

While I do have a two week break between the end of the Spring quarter (yesterday) and the beginning of the Summer quarter (June 27th), I have a lot of reading to do to prepare for the class. I think it's almost 100 pages or so before then? I already purchased all the books I'll need and I'm going to tackle the readings... next week. I just want to have this week to catch up on sleep and maybe watch some of my favorite Hallmark movies on Feeln. Did I mention I was warned that grad school would mean I'd kiss my free time goodbye? lol.

Even though I don't have much of a break between quarters (the longest is about 3 or 4 weeks in the winter), I've found the program to be very rewarding. My spiritual life has grown in ways I never anticipated. Yes, the program is intense and rigorous; it's not for the faint of heart. They want us to know these things like the back of our hands, which means a lot of reading, a lot of memorizing, and a lot of hard work. I have to get started on paper/projects weeks before they are due. I have to stay on top of the assigned readings, the lecture videos, and the quizzes every week or else I'm doomed. The comprehensible exams at the end are still slightly panic inducing.

Last night, before I took my final exam, I had this moment where I had a mini breakdown in confidence. "What am I doing in this program? I can't do this! Stupid anemia makes it hard for me to remember anything. How am I going to remember anything from weeks ago when I could barely remember when I took those quizzes that same week (or the week after)?!" I quickly looked up the website of the local school that offers an 18-month program to get me back into the SLP field; I was that discouraged. Then I remembered that this was most likely some sort of spiritual attack. I'd been fine before it. In fact, I had never been so sure that this was the path God wants me to take... up until the final exam. Not even the 10 total hours of revision and exam-taking helped.

I had a conversation with God half an hour before I took the exam. I broke down in tears as I said, "I can't do this, God. I can't remember these things. I tried. I tried my hardest and I can't remember most of what I studied. This anemia is just kicking me down. I slept almost 10 hours today and yesterday. I'm exhausted. I can't concentrate. I can't remember. I need Your help. I'm weak but You aren't. You're going to have to do this for me because I just... I can't. I can't do this by myself. If this is the path You want me to take, You're going to have to help me out. If I don't pass this exam... I'll look at something else. Please help me."

I prayed the prayer to St. Joseph of Cupertino. I asked the Holy Spirit and the Sacred Head of Jesus to enlighten my mind. I also bugged the Immaculate Heart of Mary, St. Thomas Aquinas, Pope St. John Paul II (my school's patron saint), Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati, St. Catherine of Siena, and any saints that could intercede for me. I did better than expected on the multiple choice portion of the exam. I have no idea on how I did on the essay portion of the exam -- the hardest part of the exam. I tried. I did my best. Now to wait and see what my final grade will be. After the disaster that was the Fall quarter, I'm admittedly a little nervous because a low grade will disqualify me from the program.

As someone who has struggled with academic pride in the past, last night was a wonderful lesson in humility and a reminder that I can't do things without the help of God. I'm not Superwoman. I'm weak. I need God to help me often. I still have a long way to go in the humility department; something I think many of us will struggle with in one form or another for most of our lives since pride is such an easy sin to fall into. Thankfully, God reminded me that He's there for me when I feel beaten down. I can do all things through Him... and He'll be there when I feel like I can't go further.

Okay, I'm going to keep rambling on so I'm going to stop here. lol.

I hope to write daily (or almost daily) during my break. We'll see how many topics my little fried brain can come up with. lol.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to try to finish a book I checked out nearly 3 weeks ago and is due at the library in about 2-3 days.  I'm about 54% done with it. Hashtag: challenge accepted. ;)

I hope y'all have been well and are having a great week thus far. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Learning Limits: Grad School Edition

Did you ever go through a wonderfully humbling experience that helped your relationship with God followed by a couple of stormy days in which everything seemed to go to heck? If so, welcome to my past week. After the wonderful spiritual highs that came with the start of Lent, I hit a rough couple of days that I actually feel grateful for having. I'm one of those "weird" optimistic people who tries to look for the silver lining in every situation so, of course, it's story time. ;)

Last week I found out that I had to switch from a full-time schedule to a half-time timetable at JP Catholic. It isn't because I can't handle the usual load of classes; it was because there would be one quarter that not even this "academic superwoman" could've handled. Long story short: because I have to re-take one course (in which I received a C) and do the courses of this past Winter quarter that I took off, I fell a bit behind schedule. If I had stayed on the same track, I would've had to do 5 courses in a 10-week span next Winter. That would've been nearly impossible for me to do, especially with how intense just 2-3 courses can be. I prayed about it (and asked friends on FB to pray for me), talked to my mom, and talked to a couple of lovely folks of JP Catholic and I decided that it was best for me to do half-time instead. Since JP Catholic is a small school and courses are available at specific times of year, it made sense to do an extra year and no go overboard loading myself with all the missed classes in a single quarter.

It's hard for me to "accept defeat" in the academic field but this doesn't really feel like a defeat. I know that while I'm fully capable of handling 3 courses at a time but 5 is too many. That's just the reality of it. My academic pride has a tendency to make me take on too much. Pride has already done too much damage. Staying on last quarter when I had more than enough to deal with post-accident? Yep, learned my limits then. That's why I took this to prayer. Pride and fear (of a financial nature) were at work and I didn't want to make any decisions based on either of those two emotions.

I've done so much progress in these past 2 months that I've taken off. I've been able to learn how to take better care of myself... which means learning that I often jump into doing too much too quickly and messing up any progress I've made. I don't want to do that this time around. This degree and these courses are way too valuable to rush through. I'm not taking these courses for my own personal enrichment; I'm taking them for my career / vocation. If this is the path God wants me to take (and it certainly seems that way), I'm going to do things properly. 

Surprisingly, everything worked itself out within 3 hours. I feel at peace about the decisions made. It's going to take me an extra academic school year to finish but maybe there's a reason for it. Yes, I'm one of those "everything happens for a reason" people. (quick side note: I won't apologize for it.) Maybe God has something else in store for me between now and graduation (tentatively scheduled for September 2018). Maybe this is God's way of reminding me that I need to take things slow; He knows that I tend to take on too many things at one time because that idol of busyness is hard (but not impossible) to uproot. Maybe there are other lessons I need to learn before I'm ready to teach or do whatever He has planned for me after graduation -- lessons that will take time. Either way, I'm ready for whatever He has in store for me.

All of this that I went through was during my spiritual high. I felt closer to Him during this time... and then came a couple of days of grumpiness, apathy, and spiritual dryness followed. I was able to keep in mind that it was the Lenten season and we're bound to experience some spiritual dryness (at varying degrees) during it instead of dwelling on things. I'm giving credit to Holy Spirit and the angels (shout out to the Chaplet of St. Michael) for helping me out because I was in a bad place. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I felt slightly betrayed by some people. I got annoyed whenever Mom told me that things happened for a reason and that I had to trust Him. Of course, I agreed with her and I knew she was right but them feelings were still there and they were strong. I seem to have gotten out of that funk but I'm still going to remain vigilant. 

Anyway, that's it for now. I'm going to try to finish the other blog post and schedule it for tomorrow since I know Friday will be my day off of social media and I have a feeling my Saturday and Sunday may be busy. :)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D