A Virgin Martyr, an ER Trip, and an Earthquake

*takes out a white flag and slowly comes out of hiding spot*

Is it safe? Can I come out now?

My goodness, yesterday was a nightmare and a half. Nothing went as planned but, then again, nothing has been going according to plan these past 3 weeks. My screen-free plans? They've been going just "okay." Not as strict as I would've liked because of all the hiccups that have been going on and my need for my cell phone (lots of calls and prayer requests via Hootsuite).

What would've I have wanted to do yesterday? Catch up on emails, read more of the Oblate manual (I've fallen behind schedule due to all the craziness that's been happening lately), relax for a little bit, and immerse myself in Scripture. The perfect ending to the day would've been reading And You Are Christ by Fr. Thomas Dubay, recommended for those discerning consecrated virginity. It would've been fitting since it was the feast of St. Agnes of Rome. After reading her story, I felt a kinship to her. To avoid trouble, I'll leave it at that. I thought about what a perfect day it would've been to spend contemplating on my vocation and the possibility of my heart belonging solely to Him; to say, like St. Agnes, "I will have none other spouse but Him, I will seek none other." I'll have to update y'all on this soon. Let's just say that I keep meeting opposition and lack of support but that isn't deterring me from moving forward.

In between all of that I had planned on going to urgent care to get the numbness of my left side looked at and then head to the dentist because my molar had started to give me problems. It was supposed to be a little busy but not a crazy day. Ha!

I'd been having the numbness on and off since Saturday morning but I wasn't too concerned. I figured it was either an allergic reaction (though a strange one since it was only one side of my mouth; the side I don't chew on) or it might've been a molar infection (yep, same molar since September) that was creating pressure on the nerves because it was mostly near the area of the molar that was going numb. Still, I was advised by the after-hours doctor (at midnight; after the numbness began increasing in frequency) to go to urgent care to get it checked out "just in case."

I went to urgent care but they immediately sent me to the ER because numbness on one side of the face can have one of the symptoms for a stroke. I didn't think it was one -- nor did the after-hours doctor -- because I didn't have any facial drooping or other stroke symptoms but I did what I was told. So, I went to the ER and they got me into a room immediately. I thought it was going to be a quick-ish trip (they never last more than 3-4 hours) but the CAT scan machines were down so I was there for almost 6 hours. It wouldn't have been a problem except I was praying I would get out in time to see my dentist before they closed for the day... and until Thursday.

And if you're wondering, yes, I'm still having dental issues. Remember the whole issue with the shady dentist's office? "Thanks" to them, a root canal was denied by my insurance at my regular dentist's office. We can't even afford to get ourselves a new car to get around so I can't afford to pay for the root canals out of pocket. (side note: the generous GoFundMe campaign helped us get money for my mom's pre-dawn transportation to work but after the cut GoFundMe took for themselves and the $500 repairs we did on my car to help us get two more months-worth of rides from my car, we don't have enough to get a decent car. Even used cars are expensive in L.A.; we're looking at a $3500-$4000 estimate for a car that will last us a while.) I was supposed to get the molar pulled last month but my usual dentist ended up backing out, saying she didn't want to risk any complications with my low platelets even though my hematologist had signed off on it in November. I've been waiting since to get the referral to the specialist.

I went to get my referral last week when my molar started randomly throbbing, but they still made me wait a week because they were trying to figure out a way to help me with my insurance and to lower the out-of-pocket costs as much as possible. Well, it still got infected in the meantime because the temporary filling from September had worn down and they refused to put in another one, hence the numbness. They just kept saying, "Oh, just come in if it starts hurting and we'll just give you an antibiotic." That was exactly what I was trying to avoid because of how sensitive my stomach is. To quote the ER nurse yesterday, "Ugh. I don't know why dental offices do that!"

So, I prayed the Memorare emergency novena while waiting to get my CT scan results back, praying that I would get out of there in time to see the dentist. Thankfully, the novena worked and the ER doctor seems to have put pressure on the radiology department -- no stroke or anything of concern with the CT scan. The numbness is likely due to a dental abscess. My platelets dropped a considerable amount in less than 2 months as did my red blood count but I seemed healthy overall.

I was able to get out of the ER with 45 minutes to spare and took an Uber to my dentist's office. I got there in time... but I didn't get checked out. I was assured I would be seen but wasn't. Instead, the dentist just prescribed an antibiotic for the infection; apparently, all he could do for me. I'm like 85% sure the infection needs to be drained but they didn't so... let's just hope that the antibiotic will be enough until I can get the molar extracted.

We spent a lot on Uber transportation yesterday -- from my house to urgent care... to the ER... to the dentist's office... back to my apartment because I was in no condition to walk the mile back, especially at night in our not-so-safe neighborhood. There was also the expense of my mom taking it to the ER from work. Thankfully, my next-door neighbor was kind enough to drive me to get my antibiotics at the local pharmacy to avoid more expenses. That's just a bit more we chipped away from our new-to-us car savings but it was all necessary. Instead of bemoaning the costs, I'm giving thanks to God that the generosity of others helped us have the means to get to the hospital and back. Money can be saved up again but health is harder to recover.

Oh! If the day didn't sound crazy enough, it ended with a strong jolt during the last half hour or so of the day. It wasn't a big earthquake -- only a 3.6 -- but since we're not too far from the epicenter, we felt it a bit strongly. My mom was already asleep at that point and I was contemplating eating a little more to take the antibiotic when it struck. Needless to say, she lost sleep and I had to start my antibiotics today because of the lost time. Never a dull moment around here, eh?

Of course, me being me, I keep thinking about what God is trying to say to me during all of this; what He's trying to teach me. I'm reminded of what I've felt God has been saying to me during the silent moments: "Do what you know is right, good, and true." While in the ER, I was also able to meditate on the Divine Office readings and just how much St. Agnes trusted in the Lord despite all the hardships she endured prior to her martyrdom and that gave me peace of mind and heart.

I also think about how word of the year was "active" and how I feel like I should be more proactive in taking charge of my things instead of letting others decide for me; of letting to of, well, fear of being disrespectful by being more insistent. In this case, I probably should've been trying to pressure the dentist to get me that referral sooner or I should've gone elsewhere for help sooner.

Maybe all of this is happening because God is trying to show me that, while it's good to trust people and think the best of them, that I should also be on top of my things because I can't always rely on others. I should try to do as much as I can and ask God to help me with what I can't do on my own because only He has my best interest at heart.

Maybe I've been too trusting and that makes me more vulnerable to people who don't have the best intentions; I've always been a magnet for those types. This could be a lesson that the only One I can trust is Him and thus I should strengthen my relationship with Him.

Or perhaps these are things that are happening because I need more change and more closure -- a change of dentist, a change of my primary doctor, and finding a different mechanic because they all seem to have written me off lately. Maybe this all part of God's plans for a new beginning for my life, whether it be here or somewhere else. It seems that I've been tying up a lot of "loose ends" in L.A. lately and it's looking more and more like I'm going to (finally!) end up leaving the only hometown I've ever known. Even my next-door neighbor (the same one who took me to the pharmacy last night) offered to buy my car (yes, completely unusable as is; he has the funds to put more work into it as it only has 123k miles on it and the engine is still seemingly good) so if I needed to get rid of it to be able to move to another state, it would be done without problem.

Whatever it is that God has in store for me, I'm here for it. I'm still trying to figure out how to forgive the person who triggered a mini-relapse a week ago and mean it. I feel like I've forgiven him but that's how I felt last time and I obviously hadn't. Thankfully, I have a spiritual direction meeting coming up in a couple of weeks so I hope to get somewhere. In the meantime, I guess I'll keep offering up all these hard lessons and trying to stay afloat.

To say that my family has had a difficult start of the year would be an understatement. It seems like Mom and I are taking turns in who is dealing with difficult issues every couple of days. However, I believe that we're both going through these things because God has some amazing things in store for us. Whether we're atoning for sins, shedding things that keep us from him, or we're being prepared for something greater, only God knows. What I do know is that I completely trust in Him and that He is allowing this all to happen for the good of my soul.

Anyway, I just wanted to update y'all who might've been wondering what was going on with all the recent prayer requests. Trust me, I wouldn't have sent them if I didn't feel they were needed. Yes, even the prayer request to have my spiritual director return back home was necessary. His car was breaking down (parts of his car were literally falling off) and we were worried about his safety. And, no. I haven't logged in to social media since January 1st so if you're replying to my prayer request (being sent through Hootsuite), I won't get a chance to see or even answer them for about week and a half.

I hope y'all are having a much better time than I am. lol.

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Good News: a Possible Breakthrough in my Health Issues

((Before I begin, let me just wish you all a happy feast of Our Lady of Guadalupe! I wrote a bit about the same picture that's hung on my bedroom wall for the past (almost) 30 years on Instagram in case you want to read it.))

I thought I was ready for my hematology appointment yesterday morning. I was cool, calm, and collected. Or, so I thought until I woke up sweating cold that morning. That cold sweat didn't stop until after I saw the hematologist... an hour after my appointment was scheduled.

I kept repeating, "Jesus, I trust in You" from the moment I woke up... 2 hours early. I tried to go through my routine -- breakfast, prayer, and getting ready to go out -- at a slow pace. I had intentionally done it to keep my anxiety levels down. Whenever I felt them go up a bit, I would stop and repeat, "Jesus, I trust in You" three times before I would resume the routine.

Before I left, I stopped and had a conversation with God. Since I was home alone, I said the words aloud. I don't remember the exact words but they were along the lines of "Whatever happens, I accept. If it's Your will, it will be done. If it's good news, I will rejoice and praise you. If it's not good news, I know you will give me the fortitude to endure it. Whatever it is, I will sacrifice sleep and go give thanks at tomorrow's daily Mass."

I drove to my appointment with unusually clear eyesight (I've been having eye problems for months, remember?). I decided to listen to "The Benedict Option" audiobook as a distraction. I took a longer but clearer (read: less traffic) route to my hematologist's office. "If I get there late, I get there late. But I'd rather go calmly than stress myself out," I told myself as I drove to the office.

I got there on time... but I ended up waiting an hour before I was seen. See, the hematologist I've seen for the past two years is out of the country. While it wasn't confirmed, we think it has something to do with his work visa since he's a foreign-born doctor. He had a delay returning the last time his permit expired, too. Anyway, because of this (and the office being unsure of when he will return), they gave me a new hematologist. I was warned beforehand about this; there were rescheduled appointments and blood draws for it for weeks leading up to the day. I just didn't know the actual appointment would have a wait time of over an hour.

As you can imagine, I sat there sweating cold out of nerves. I didn't know if my pancytopenia (the medical term for low red and white blood count and low platelets) was still around; if I was healthier than I was since my last blood draw at the last ER visit I'd had, two months earlier. "Jesus, I trust in You" I said before I prayed the St. Patrick breastplate prayer and texted a good friend to help pass the time.

I was whisked inside and I waited for the doctor once again, this time in the exam room. My noontime alarm went off signaling the time to pray The Angelus and Sext. I had taken my copy of The Little Office of the Blessed Virgin Mary in case I needed it. I took out my Rosary beads from my pocket and began praying the Angelus. I had just finished praying, "And the Word was made Flesh.. *genuflects* and dwelth among us..." and was standing up when the new hematologist came in. "This is it. Jesus, I trust in You," I said internally.

I was ready for whatever God in store for me... or, again, so I thought. I won't keep dragging the story for y'all so I'll tell you exactly what he said.

After introducing himself he said he'd gone over my charts and history along with my latest blood work. The good news was that my numbers had gone up. My white blood count had miraculously jumped up to normal in record time, from 3.6 to 4.6. My platelets went up 33k (from 102k to 135k) and I’m now currently only 5k under normal range. My red blood count and hemoglobin are still a little low but are now closer to normal range. He said that, given my history and my steady (for the most part) numbers, he thought it all pointed to an early rheumatology/autoimmune issue. When I explained that the ophthalmologist had ordered blood work because he also thought I had an autoimmune issue that was causing my eyesight problems (my bilateral optic nerve edemas), he said that it just further confirmed his suspicions. He said that it looked like it was all early stages of whatever was about to unfold and that no treatment would be necessary at the moment; we'll just keep an eye on things.

This is the first time I've come close to getting a diagnosis on anything! I was surprised and relieved. After so many years of dealing with low platelets and the anemia coming and going, here we had a sort-of breakthrough! I immediately thought about how the words "leaky gut" and the theory many people have made that perhaps that's what's wrong with me have popped up in recent weeks. A parishioner friend of mine even lent me a book on healing the leaky gut when I went to Mass last Friday (the beautiful First Friday I wrote about here). That's not even counting the dream I had nearly two years ago in which I dreamt that St. Giuseppe Moscati had examined me and told me to do a bone broth diet to heal my gut; a dream that also featured St. John Bosco. I even screen captured the tweet for future reference.

Y'all know this tweet is old because I haven't used that profile picture in years. Also, my apologies to St. Giuseppe for butchering his first name. It was during the time when I was still learning about him.

Perhaps this is all part of my 54-day Rosary novena intention; I've been praying for better health and the ability to expand my restricted diet. A leaky gut will make it seem like you have allergic reactions to many things -- especially foods -- so this could be the breakthrough I've been praying for! I am definitely going to try healing my gut just in case this has been the issue all along.

Before I end this post, I also wanted to share one more thing the good hematologist said to me. As he was leaving, hand on the door, he stopped and looked back at me and said, "Are you married, planning on getting married, or in a relationship?" I confirmed that I did want to get married one day, but I didn't know when that would happen. He then said what I was not expecting, "With your history and numbers, you can get pregnant. You can have children as soon as you'd like. Usually, there are worries about platelets dipping for people who have ITP or other blood disorders, but it shouldn't be a problem for you." I was completely dumbfounded. The thought hadn't even crossed my mind (for obvious reasons) yet I felt an enormous wave of relief. God willing, I can have babies and not worry about it affecting my health (at least, not my platelets) because it looks like it may all be an autoimmune issue rather than a blood disorder.

I left the office feeling lighter, a lot more hopeful, and intensely grateful to Our Lady for her intercession and to God for everything.

I knew there was a reason why my appointments kept getting pushed back; why I had to keep rescheduling blood draws and appointments. Not just for the hematologist but all of them. I didn't know what it was but perhaps it all needed to happen so that a  new doctor could look at my case and apply their knowledge to my “medical mystery” that’s been baffling doctors for years. (side note: the hematologist is an older gentleman so he has more experience than my [close to my age] regular hematologist.)

So, that's my news. On day 41 of the 54-day Rosary novena, I received that wonderful news. I have another blood draw tomorrow to check for autoimmune things and inflammation markers prior to my ophthalmologist appointment on Monday morning. I hope that we get a little closer to the root cause of all my problems with it as well. Fingers crossed.

Anyway, I just wanted to share the news with y'all. I received a letter from my Oblate master while trying to finish up this so I'm going to go read that right now. And, yes, I just teared up because of the timing.  What are the odds that I would receive a letter from my Oblate master (who, along with the other monks, has been praying for my health) with words of encouragement regarding my health while writing this post with an update on my health? God, Your timing is impeccable!

I hope y'all have a lovely rest of the week!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :)

Living The Benedictine Oblate (Novice) Life While Sick

Picture after the Oblate novitiate ceremony and scapular investiture; this marked the official beginning of my novitiate.

This morning, I heard from my Oblate master and it filled my heart with such a beautiful and immense peace and joy. I wish I had the ability to express just how lovely it felt to receive that email.

A couple of weeks ago, I sent him an email detailing my health journey. I mean, I also asked him questions about how to strengthen my spiritual life, but I updated him on life so he'd know what to advise. Today, I received a follow-up that made me very happy.

Since they're very busy out in Norcia (yes, they're still building their new monastery after the 2016 earthquake leveled their monastery; please feel free to donate here), I don't expect to hear from him often but I am always filled with joy when I do.

After receiving the email (and replying to it), it dawned on me that I haven't really talked about my oblate novitiate journey in the middle of all my health struggles. In fact, I think most people will be surprised to hear that I'm still continuing my journey considering how poorly my health has been lately. Well, let me reassure you that I'm still going forward... and I'll share with you a few theories that have been thrown around amongst my friends (a little later) of how the two are connected.

As the Benedictine motto ("Ora et labora"; pray and work) suggests, two of the pillars of the spirituality are work and prayer. As Oblate attached to this particular monastery, I'm also to embrace penance (more on this in a bit), charity (especially towards the poor and the unfortunate), chastity, keep up the days of fasting and abstinence, and work on being obedient. I'm also to detach myself from the world (be a part of it but not of it) and reject pride.

What I've been focusing on in my current state has been prayer and obedience. Actually, obedience has been the biggest focal point for me these last couple of weeks because I've been actively discerning my vocation for the last couple of months. The only thing I'm going to say about that is that I'm incredibly happy with where God seems to be leading me. Of course, credit goes to my Oblate master who encouraged me to go forward with it at our retreat. I knew there would be obstacles (even before the health issues began) but it's been such a beautiful experience so far and I have no doubts I'm doing God's will for me. Finally! I have confidence in something I'm doing! lol.

The obedience part of the vocation discernment is sometimes hard because my spiritual director occasionally tells me to do something that I don't technically want to do but know I have to do. That's the beauty of obedience: you break your own selfishness and passions in order to follow the wisdom of those who know better than you; those who care about the state of your soul and want to see you doing the right thing in your discernment.

The prayer part of my life has been the easiest for me to maintain because of the routine I had established prior to my Oblate novitiate. I pray the Little Office of the Blessed Virgin Mary (sometimes the little Benedictine Office) at least twice daily, or more if I'm able to. For example, today I've able to do all the hours so far, except Terce because I fell asleep for a little while. I pray the Rosary daily. I have a number of prayers that I know by heart and can do while I'm blinded by lights (the photophobia has been my biggest enemy lately) and have to wait to regain my eyesight once again. If it wasn't for prayer, I probably wouldn't be able to go through some of the obstacles I've encountered recently.

For obvious reasons, the "work" part has had to be modified to fit with what I'm capable of doing with my worsening eyesight and my overall fatigue and physical limitations. I still write for Epic Pew and Catholic Chemistry when I'm able to; though I've had to take a couple of weeks off here and there when I'm not doing too well. Thankfully, both editors are great and understanding if I'm late with deadlines or if I need a couple of breaks writing. God bless them both!

I also try to keep my family duties as well as I can. I help run errands when my eyesight and fatigue cooperate with me. I keep the financial budget as well as I can. I drive my mom to work every morning, except on days when I'm completely blind in the morning and it's extremely dangerous for me to try to drive. As my health begins to stabilize, I'll be adding more of the housekeeping duties I usually have. At the moment, my only big ailment is my eyesight; the low blood pressure fainting spells and the physical weakness have both gotten better in recent weeks.

I know I need to work on Lectio Divina (another pillar of the Benedictine spirituality) and Mass attendance. I'm sure you can guess why I've been failing at these two -- my worsening eyesight AND health problems that have left me housebound for several days at a time. In fact, I spend most of my days in bed, with my adjustable bed base reclined up so I can sit more comfortably. Still, if I can go to confession and/or Mass, I go! I also try to get the daily Mass readings in, even if I have to highlight it and have Siri read it to me when my eyesight is particularly bad.

The scrupulous side of me is anxious about failing at these two things because they're such a major part of the Oblate life. At the same time, I also remind myself that I can only do so much with what I have going on. I try to not be hard on myself because, honestly, there is only so much screen and/or reading I can do before my eyes have had enough for the day. Some days, I have to keep my eyes closed for most of the day (enter Catholic podcasts and audiobooks for company) because my eyesight is just completely horrendous. For now, I'll continue to pray that I have little pockets of good eyesight time to be able to get myself to Mass and/or do Lectio Divina more regularly.

Having said all of that, yes, I absolutely still firmly intend to go forward with my novitiate as planned. I also still plan to attend the annual retreat next year and make my final Act of Oblation. I have a couple of friends who have a theory that all of this is happening because of my novitiate discernment. My health issues didn't really start until a week before I left for my retreat and, if you remember, I had my first ER visit during the retreat. You know... like someone (or something) doesn't want me to go forward with this for some reason. Anyway, just putting that theory out there. You draw your own conclusions. Since St. Benedict is now my spiritual father, I will let him intercede for me as necessary. God's will be done, no one else's.

I think that's as "in a nutshell" as I can get. I tried to keep it as short as I could. God willing (and my eyesight and health cooperating), I will be getting back into my blogging groove this month. Again, God willing. I've been doing the 54-day Rosary novena with my eyesight as my first intention so we'll see just what miracles Our Lady will do for me. Even if it's not a full restoration of my eyesight, I know I will receive the graces necessary to cope with whatever is ahead of me.

Of course, I will keep y'all updated on both my Oblate novitiate (especially now that I've remembered to do so; mea culpa!) and my health journeys!

Please keep me (and particularly my eyesight and the ophthalmologists treating me) in your prayers this next month as we hope to finally get some answers with the latest round of blood work tests and a new MRI scheduled for next week.

And, that's it for now. I have to go grocery shopping because I've run out of food. I was waiting for my mom to get home so I would have an extra pair of eyes with me; it's best while my eyesight is wonky.

I hope you've all been well!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!

*Waves White Flag* Can This Please Stop?

Photo by Andrew Neel on Unsplash

June 28, 2019. Dehydration and malnutrition while on retreat.
August 5, 2019. Chest pain and chest muscle spasms that caused my entire right side to go numb.
August 14, 2019. Dehydration and dizziness.
September 20, 2019. Dizziness and low blood pressure,

What do these four dates have in common? All days I ended up in the Emergency Room this summer.

Have you noticed how little I've written this summer? Well, that's because I've been sick. Besides those ER visits, there have been trips to urgent care, multiple doctor's appointments, several days of being stuck in bed, an emergency trip to the dentist to have two infected molars taken care of, a lot of physical pain, a lot of fatigue, and a lot more that I still haven't shared. This has been, without a doubt, the hardest summer (health-wise) since the summer of my reversion in 2006. And, it's always in the summer. Always.

I wish I could say that my faith has really pulled me through but, in all honesty, it's not been that great either. I've been experiencing this intense spiritual aridity for months. I pray, of course. I have my daily routine of morning prayers, the Litany of Humility, the chaplet of St. Michael, the (full version of the) St. Patrick breastplate prayer, the daily Rosary (sometimes more than all 5 decades of the day), the Rosary confraternity prayer, and my nighttime prayers. Sometimes I'll also have novenas going on, but I know it's been the lack of the Sacraments that have hindered any spiritual growth over the last couple of months.

It's been... hard. Being the only person who drives in the house and frequently feeling either too physically weak to go to Mass or being too lightheaded or dizzy to safely drive (or even walk/stand), even to our nearest parish, has made life difficult. I've made it to confession and Mass a couple of times this summer but rarely on Sundays.  I hate it. I hate not being able to make plans to have someone even drive me to Mass (and, God bless them, there have been multiple offers from fellow parishioners) because I never know how I'm going to wake up feeling the next morning and I'd hate to cancel/rearrange their plans at the very last minute.

Doctors are testing and checking everything they can think of. Primary, hematology, ophthalmology, (soon to be added) neurology -- everyone is trying to find "the" cause... and getting nowhere. The MRI I had done last month showed I have a small cyst in my pineal gland but they're not worried as they can be common and it's still small enough to not cause alarm. Both of my eyes have swollen nerves the back of them (hence why the MRI was ordered) and they still haven't found the cause for that. There is a possible explanation for my chronic lightheaded and dizziness but it's something that I won't be able to address anytime soon. Let's just say that something can be done about it, but health obstacles keep me from trying to move forward and away from the cause/source. Prayers for the chance to test this theory would be greatly appreciated.

The more I try to find God in these situations, the further away He seems. My eyesight has been so bad lately (I've developed really bad chronic dry eye that makes me sensitive to light and blinds me for several minutes upon waking nearly every day these days) that I haven't even been able to read, much less do Lection Divina or spiritual reading. If it wasn't for the option to have text read to me on my iPod and iPhone, I wouldn't even get the daily Mass readings.

I don't know what to do. Plain and simple. I feel like I'm failing some of my duties as an Oblate novice because of what I've been dealt lately. Our Oblate master knows; I've let him know what's been going on with me; some of which only a handful of people know. Still, I wish I could do more. I know what I'm capable of and it's hard to not be able to do them.

While I was able to find God and feel closer to Him during moments of illness before, I can't anymore. I have zero consolations. I try to make sense of why I'm going through what I'm going through. Could it be penance for past (and current) mistakes? Could it be that He's preparing me for something great in the future? Am I supposed to go through all of this because He's trying to teach me something; to prepare me for something? Could all these health issues be physical manifestations of spiritual attacks since I keep trying to grow and heal? Actually, that last theory is a popular one for reasons I hope to one day be able to share. What the answer is... I don't know.

Maybe I'm not supposed to know why I've had to suffer so many physical ailments (all at once) in the last 3 months. Maybe I'm just supposed to trust that God will be there, even when He's never seemed as distant as He has lately. All I know is that I have to keep moving forward and keep up my prayers and continue to try to get to confession and Mass as much as I can. It's not always easy and I may not feel up to it very much (or at all some days) but I can try.

Anyway, if you've been wondering about why I've been so sporadic with my blogging, this is why. I've even fallen behind on work at times; it's been that bad, y'all.

Please keep me in your prayers as I have a feeling I still have a steep hill to climb before I can get a break. I have a couple of doctors appointments this week, a lot of blood work to get taken (hopefully the last non-routine tests that I'll have to do for a while), and a busy work week on top of that.

God willing, I'll have a little break coming up so I can write all these non-health posts I've been wanting to share all summer.

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :)

Sometimes Things Don't Work Out

Well, I tried... and it didn't work.

I am "back" in the sense that I've returned to this blog and have shut down the Benedictine blog. A very long story short: I had a major drop in readership for both my blog and my third novel. Like... insane. People weren't reading the blog as much as they read this one. I know blogs have begun going out of style but, goodness, the drop was drastic. I was wondering why and then I started noticing that people just weren't switching over to the new blog for some reason -- but they continue to visit this one more than the other one. I guess the "nerdwriter" and "catholicnerdwriter" thing has been a part of me for so long that people cannot associate me with anything else.

Also, my novel wasn't (and still isn't) really selling... which is not the greatest news when you've just incurred a medical bill that will cost 6 months-worth of salary for you. Oh, yes, I'm serious. I'll blog about that soon enough. I generally don't stress about whether my novels sell but when you're under a financial crunch, every little bit helps.

So, after much consideration, I decided to transferred the blog posts from the (now defunct) Benedictine blog to this one (yes, I kept everything as it was; blog titles, pictures, text, and even time and dates published). So if you didn't get a chance to read any of the following, you will now:

My Oblate Retreat, Part One: Obstacles, Tears, and a Trip to the ER

Dear Dad... 

When Life Goes Crazy and God Disappears

Smoke and Fire, The Novel That Complicated My Life for 2 Years

I do fully intend to post like a week's worth of blog posts soon because I have a lot of craziness to update y'all on -- and if you follow me on Twitter you already know part of it -- but I need sleep first. Perhaps after my nap (and after the next dose of antibiotics), I'll sit down and write one (or more) posts to spread over the next week. I will say this: I've had it suggested that this is a sort of spiritual attack because I was planning on going through with a major life change that has now been postponed (again) due to my recent health issues. That and maybe because I published the novel that took me forever to publish (full story here). Only God knows the real reason but prayers would be much appreciated that I'll be on the mend soon. Again, I'll explain this all as soon as I can.

Alright, well... I guess that's it for now. Did I mention I need sleep? Because I need sleep. lol.

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!

Written Wednesdays #2: Quick Beats and Novel News

My lack of blog posts lately has been due to both a busy schedule and less time spent online. I have a lot to share but, goodness, not enough hours during the day to do so. I had a couple of free hours today so I've been catching up on emails, reading other articles, and (now) blogging.

I've actually scheduled a blog post into my crammed schedule for every Wednesday, even if no articles of mine get published the previous week. I hope this means you'll be hearing from me at least once a week. ;)

I still have a lot of stuff to do and not enough hours to finish them in so here we go with some quick beats.

Articles:
I finally get a chance to share with y'all more written content! Hooray! I don't have a say in when things get published on EpicPew, CatholicChemistry, or Verily Magazine. Sometimes one website will space articles I've already written out over a couple of weeks or months or they'll have them in the drafts for a week or two for whatever reason. Hopefully, I'll have something to share next week as well but, again, it's up to the editors. :) For now, here are four new articles for y'all.

EpicPew:
1) 20 Prayers for Busy People on the Go (September 20, 2018)
2) 10 Quotes the Saints Definitely Didn't Say (September 20, 2018)
3) 15 Things All Catholic Women Love (September 27, 2018)

Verily Magazine:
1) Tips for the Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) in High-Energy Environments (October 2, 2018)

Novel news: I know, I know... the third novel was supposed to be out in the summer. Due to summertime craziness and a deluge of work I had in recent weeks (thank you, God; please send more!), it's been on hold since I still have to finish editing it and also finish the cover. Yes, I'll also be doing the cover so, you know, lots of work! I'm aiming the new publishing date to be on November 22nd, the feast of my confirmation patroness, St. Cecilia. If anything else comes up, I'll update y'all but it seems like it's finally going to happen.

And that's it for now! Did I mention I have given myself an 8 p.m. cut-off time for online things which means I have roughly 2 hours to finish this blog post and catch up on several emails? I'll let you all know how this experiment goes. Yes, it has to do with changes I'm also making to my spiritual life so you'll be getting details about it. ;)

I hope you all have a lovely rest of the week!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Incredible Novena Results and an Overall Update

As some of you have noticed, despite not being in school anymore and having more free time, I haven't been posting as often as I wish. Long story short: I don't want to post things that are filler or fluff for the sake of keeping up a high post count. I want to write posts that (I hope) are higher in quality than quantity. That and I've had a lot of really amazing things going on.

These past two weeks have been draining but also very promising. The plans, for now, are to eat well, exercise more, and to reduce stress by eliminating or learning to cope with my biggest stressors. School is done so that is one massive stressful thing out of my life. Work, which is currently consisting of writing for Epic Pew, isn't causing any stress. However, I did have to tackle a big, life-long issue that was my biggest source of stress for several years.

Without going into too much detail, I was on a steady "diet" constant pressure and emotional manipulation for years. I got the courage to speak to the person who was causing it two weeks ago. They said that they didn't realize what they were doing (and I'm choosing to believe that based on what a number of psychologists and therapists have said about this person) and promised to make an effort to do their best to stop. It was an emotionally-charged two-hour conversation in which I got out all my grievances and all the hurt this person has caused throughout most of my life. While this person still occasionally slips (old habits die hard), they are making a conscious effort to make sure they're no longer contributing to what has hurt me for so long. I have already seen an improvement in both my relationship with this person.

This big breakthrough came after doing both the 54-day Rosary novena (late last year) and the Immaculate Heart of Mary novena at the beginning of this year. I had this particular intention for both novenas because God showed me that this was one of the biggest things I needed to work on in order to get healthier on all levels. I mean, I didn't just do it for my benefit. Nonetheless, it's an incredible result from the novenas, one that I will forever be grateful to God for! Now that this is no longer a big issue, the next one to tackle is getting me physically and spiritually healthier in order to make the other personal goals more attainable.

I've been doing this "screens off" experiment for over a week now and it's the best decision I have made this year (so far). I turn off most screens (except Kindle) at 8 p.m. and they don't get turned on again until I'm ready to start the day. I set my alarm for 7:30 p.m. to give myself a half-hour warning to finish up whatever needs to be done before my laptop, iPod touch, and smartphone are shut off for the day. I put on orange-tinted goggles that cut the blue light that suppresses melatonin production until I'm ready to go to sleep. I turn on my Kindle and I read fiction books (fiction is the only genre which doesn't keep me up) until I'm ready to fall asleep... if I don't fall asleep before I can shut the Kindle off. I've successfully managed to get to bed early. I've been waking up more refreshed and my energy lasts a bit longer.

As for what's going on in my spiritual life, a lot and not so much. I was lucky to get to pray in front of the tabernacle earlier this week... and it seemed to trigger something because it seems that I have been spiritually attacked every day since. I'm doing two new novenas at the moment -- one to St. Anne and another to St. Francis de Sales -- which seem to also be triggering some spiritual attacks... which means I'm on the right track when it comes to at least one of the novena intentions. I've kept up with the daily Mass readings, the Rosary, the Little Office, and the novenas.

That's pretty much what's going on with me -- a lot and yet not a whole lot. I'm taking things one day at a time to keep my stress levels down. My mom got me this really lovely jigsaw puzzle of a cottage next to a river in a forest which is my ideal place for a retreat or a vacation to help me escape from mental stress. I've cut back on my social media use, which is being helped by my "screens off" experiment. I've been spending more time in silence and learning to take better care of myself.

Basically, I'm allowing myself to take a break from everything so that I can recuperate. It's often hard because being inactive and not being on the constant "go go go" is a foreign concept to me but that's what got me here in the first place so I need to do this. I won't allow anyone to shame me into "being lazy" (as some people call it) because this seems to be what is best for me... and something that seems to be in God's plans for me. I've abandoned myself to doing His will, remember? I won't fight this.

I'm going to end this blog here and try to stay relaxed,

I hope y'all have a lovely weekend!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Dear God, Please Help Me... I'm Drowning.

Dear God,

Please help me... I'm drowning.

I've overwhelmed with school. No matter how many days and hours I study, no matter how well I prepare, I come up short. Sometimes it's because so many things come up at once -- things out of m control -- that I don't have enough time to study. Sometimes it's because my mental fog is so intense that I can't remember what I've studied. It will take a miracle for me to pass two of my classes at this point in time.

I feel restless and stuck...

I'm impatient and angry...

I'm weak and in desperate need of help that I don't see coming my way...

I trust in You but some days it's hard to feel that way when I have so many other things going wrong. On Monday I even wondered if my faith was strong enough to withstand everything that's been thrown my way this month. I know that's a rash thing to think in a moment of weakness but I don't think I ever felt as low as I did at that moment.

It's not that I don't trust You; it's that my human emotions can overwhelm me. It's my sensitive nature; it's what I've been fighting to overcome in recent months... and it's a Rosary novena intention I've been praying for the past 22 days. Thankfully, I know the moments will pass. I know that once I get it out of my system and cry to release those emotions, I will realize that I do trust You. I'm just a weak human being.

I know that in my weakness You make me strong. I know that in the darkness, You are there with me. I know that even when I feel unworthy and undeserving of Your love, You still love me.

I have no doubt that You put the verse Matthew 6:25 into my mind when I spent some time in front of the tabernacle, praying and sitting in silence. I was praying the Chaplet of Divine Mercy -- during that 3 o'clock hour -- and the phrase "Matthew 6:25" popped into my head as clear as day. I couldn't remember what verse that was so I looked it up...

"Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life..."

I got the message loud and clear... but I still need help because I still have moments where I feel like I'm drowning... and there's no one else to help me.

Your will be done. I say it every time I get overwhelmed with school. I repeat it to myself every time I feel like quitting (especially after yet another academic set back) but I continue listening to the lecture videos and/or doing the assigned work because I feel like it's Your will and there's nothing more that I want than to do just that; do Your will, not mine.

On this day, the 19th anniversary of my confirmation, I ask for one gift from You: to send me help.

Whether it be in the form of a peer support system...

Whether it be in the form of charitable prayers from those who feel moved to say a prayer for me...

Whether it be from a priest or someone who can help guide me and help me regain my spiritual health...

Whether it be an inner peace that can only come from You, I ask for a little help.

I want a little fresh air to fill my lungs after feeling like I've been underwater for so long.

I know You will hear my plea and that, in Your mercy, You will do what I need. I will keep my eyes and my heart open for that moment.

I'm in Shock. Is This Real Life?

I wanted to blog yesterday because I received good news but I had to wait to get actual details (which I officially received last night) so I'm blogging now.

You guys know how I've been anemic and folate deficient "officially" for about a year now? (side note: anemia has been a reoccurring issue for at least 2-3 years). You know how I had low calcium and white blood count levels last autumn? You know how poor my health has been, with my platelets lower than normal for years? All of that warranted a round of roughly 70 (seriously) different tests that were taken from 10 (yes, ten) vials of blood last Friday that was ordered by the hematologist after my first hematology appointment earlier this month. During the previous blood draw -- in early March -- I was still anemic and in a bad way. It has been a little over 2 months and I hadn't taken my "blood builder" multivitamin daily. I didn't think the results were going to be much improved. I'm sure God said, "Oh ye of little faith" at this point.

I went to my follow-up appointment yesterday. I was hoping for a slightly above normal number for my iron and folate levels (and everything else). The doctor (new to me) who saw me told me my labs were pretty good. My platelets are still a little low (at 129k; 141k is the lowest number within normal range) but everything else looked good to her. I didn't get specifics beyond that. I asked her if I was anemic. She looked at me like "ooh, giiiiirl,. you don't even know..." and informed me, with a little laugh, that I was no longer anemic. I asked her about the folate level. Again, slightly amused, she said that I was no longer folate deficient and it was most likely due to the multivitamin I was taking (that Hallie had recommended to me years ago but I hadn't taken -- because it has gluten in it -- until late March). I didn't get numbers. I was just told that I was in a good place and that I have to follow-up in late July since they want to see if my levels will finally stabilize with the multivitamin I'm taking.

I came out of the appointment ecstatic! I had remarked to Mom that I haven't been looking as pale lately though I'm still pretty fair skinned when I don't tan/burn in the sun. She reminded me that I've always been fair skinned so looking a little pale (from the anemia) was never too noticeable. However, the rosy cheeks I've had lately have been a clear indication that my health has returned to where it should be.

It wasn't until last night that I saw what the actual numbers were from my iron and folate levels were. My iron level went from 36 to 124 in a couple of months. My folate level went from a dismal 3.60 (>7.00 is the normal range) to 12.90. I was in shock. "Wait, whaaaat?!" I don't think my iron level has been over 50 in about 4-5 years. My folate level has never been over 3.70 (from the time they started checking it, at least). Is this real life?

I looked at the rest of my results. My white blood count is still a little low and I was slightly dehydrated when they drew blood but everything else looked good. My calcium and sodium levels were normal for the first time since last autumn as well. I wanted to cry happy tears. It's been years since I've been this healthy.

I'm grateful to God for this blessing of health. Furthermore, I'm grateful for the intercessions of Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati, St. Joseph, and St. Catherine of Siena because my health has/had been intentions in novenas prayed for their intercessions. Mom's gotten into the habit of making sure she asks Bl. Pier Giorgio for his intercession for my health every morning. I'm grateful for their intercessions. I'm grateful that God has granted me this long-sought blessing of health. I'm grateful to everyone who prayed for me. I'm also grateful for one big gift God had granted me in all of this: the gift of patience. I'll touch on this topic tomorrow since it would make this post way too long to read in one sitting. I've already started writing the post so I'll just schedule it. ;)

Anyway, I just wanted to share this bit of good news with y'all. Thank you to those who've been praying for my health!! I greatly appreciate it, from the bottom of my heart! God willing, this is the start of the new normal for me.

That's it for now! I hope you are all having a lovely start of the week!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Oh! Hi, 1000th Blog Post!

Hello and welcome to my 1,000th blog post.

"Whaaaat?" That was my reaction when I posted the last blog post and saw that it was the last one in the triple digits. I can't believe I've written a thousand posts in the span of 9 years and (almost) 5 months. Crazy! Honestly, I can't believe I've kept this blog this long. I thought I would keep it for a couple of months or no more than maybe 2 years, tops but, here I am... still writing.

Those who've been reading this blog since the beginning (or, at least, within the first year of its inception), have gone through so much growth with me. When I started this blog, I was involved with someone whom I still in keep in touch with on occasion but is no longer one of the most important people in my life. I haven't really talked about my personal life since and have vowed not to until there's a wedding looming.

You've read about my struggles as an undergraduate, as a graduate student, and now in my academic limbo state. You've read about what I suffered when I was at the CINO college (now university) -- how much the professors made me cry for having an orthodox and "traditional" view of Catholicism. You've read my indecision about what to study; where to study.

You've been with me through my father's final cancer diagnosis... through the last months of his life... through his reversion to the faith (his 24th birthday present to me) two months before his death... through his death and burial... and through that first year in which I was emotionally numb...

You've been with me through illnesses and financial difficulties... through my lowest points... through my car accident... through my bouts of spiritual dryness (which I am currently undergoing again)... the craziness that was most of my 20s (I started this blog when I was 22!) into my early 30s (I turn 32 at the end of this month)...

You've also seen me at my best. You've read the joy it was to graduate from college after years of putting it off to help take care of my father (or myself)... the first time I was published in a Catholic publication... when I started my freelance writing career... when my first (and second) novel was published... when I was accepted to all three of my top graduate program choices...

We're going on 9 and a half years of this adventure together. Some of you have been reading since the beginning. Some of you have joined later on. Some of you are still new to this blog. It doesn't matter when you started following, you're still a part of this journey with me.

I still don't understand why anyone would want to read what I have to write. I'm no one extraordinary. I'm actually quite boring. I'm just your average gal who decided, on Christmas Day 2007, to write about her life and her journey through learning about Catholicism. I'm still learning. I'm actually going through sort of re-reversion period right now. I promise to explain this, and thoroughly, at some point in the future because it's a long story.

I want to thank you all, from the bottom of my heart, for your prayers and support throughout the years/months/weeks/days. I've come to close to shutting down this blog but, somehow, someone always seems to message me and encourage me to keep going so I do.

I have a lot of really, really, really exciting things coming up in my life in the near future. I will give y'all clues: London. Writing. Career. Discernment. Vocation/Relationship. Reversion. Travel. Possibly another degree. Rediscovery. Faith. I will write about these things at some point; most likely as I'm about to embark on them or when I'm deep enough into it that I can talk about it.

Stick around because I'm apparently not done writing yet. I'm sorry. lol. Oh, the writer in me. ;)

That's it for now. I have a lot of things to do today but I wanted to take a little break to write this post.  My 1,000th post. Nope, it hasn't sunk in yet. lol.

Oh! Before I go, I was wondering if I could bother y'all for some prayers. As I've shared before, I've had pancytopenia (low red and white blood cells as well as low platelets) on-and-off for years and tomorrow I'll have 18 (!) vials of blood drawn for the most thorough blood work they've ever done on me. They're testing everything -- vitamins, minerals, complete CBC, bone marrow, clotting, lupus, and seemingly any and all tests to rule things out a blood disorder or the presence of antibodies in my system. Thankfully, I won't have to fast but it's still a lot of blood. I've been feeling a little more weak/fatigued than usual lately so I'm a little worried about all the vials that will be taken. I would greatly appreciate any prayers you can spare. I just don't pass out or have any complications from the blood draw. I also hope for good news with the results because I'm tired of always feeling tired because of the anemia. Thank you in advance!

Alright, I gotta go do errands and try to find some good carne asada because I need to really prepare for tomorrow. All the iron-rich foods! lol. ;)

I hope y'all are having a lovely week thus far!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

... Then I Ended Up in the E.R....

On Monday afternoon -- after I wrote the last blog post -- my toothaches (yes, it became plural) were so terrible that I asked to be squeezed in by a local dentist to get checked out in the case of an infection. I went in and he couldn't find anything wrong. No infection. Nothing stuck in between the teeth. No cavities. There was nothing from a dental POV that could cause such a pain. I left the office with only the suggestion to brush and floss as I have been doing. The pain has come and gone since, with the last two days giving me some of the worst pain.

Yesterday, I woke up feeling fine but the pain came back with a vengeance while Mom and I were out running errands. The pain was so excruciating that my lightheadedness got worse. While in line to pay for something, I sudden felt like I couldn't breathe. I had had a tightening of chest since I had woken up. Between the pain, the lightheadedness, and everything else, it was decided that I need to go to the E.R. in just case it was something else.

At the E.R. they did the standard tests -- EKG, blood work, chest x-ray. They checked my vital signs and oxygen intake; everything was good. My white blood count (which was abysmal) was almost twice as high as the last time they checked. It was within normal range though on the low end because I had a cold virus a week ago. My platelets took a slight dip but were still within normal range. I gained a bit of weight and continue to be within my normal range, though they had to double check because the nurse who took my vitals when I first arrived had said I had lost 20 lbs; that was obviously an error. The only two not-so-great things that came back from my blood work were that my sodium was just slightly low only .01 under normal range) and I'm still slightly anemic (though the iron and red blood count are higher than they were in October). The doctor mentioned some possible wheezing (though we can't hear anything) but said that there was nothing of concern that she could see. I mentioned the pain that I was getting but said she didn't want to give me any antibiotics (for a possible sinus infection) because I had no fever.

I got home, satisfied that it was going to be okay. Oh sweet, optimistic Emmy. Wrong! I didn't go to sleep until nearly 3:30 a.m. because the horrendous pain returned, as did the feeling like I couldn't breathe. The pain went away for an hour before it returned again and I lost more sleep. While trying to stay as calm as possible despite my tiredness, I went back and put the pieces of the puzzle together -- I've felt like I can't breathe only when the pain is so bad that I feel like crying. Also, the pain is usually accompanied by pressure in the back of the right side eye (which tears up), up to that same side of my sinus cavity. Ah, it's sinus pain. All of this pain is because of my sinus is being a jerk. Awesome.

Nothing is helping too much and I'm limited when it comes to what pain medication I can take because of my platelets. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow morning to see if they can help prescribe something a bit stronger that I can tolerate and not have to worry about my platelets being lowered in the process. Right now I'm limited to Tylenol as both Aleve and Tylenol lower platelets... and OTC Tylenol sometimes isn't strong enough for intense pain. Hopefully, I can get more relief tomorrow since I'm tired of losing sleep from the pain, which randomly pops up throughout the day (and, now, night).

I've been trying to offer up the pain for the souls in purgatory and for friends whom could benefit from it. I try to pray through the pain. Last night, while praying the Sorrowful mysteries of the Holy Rosary, I thought to meditate on the pain that Christ endured and think about how my pain is nothing compared to what He endured. Still, the pain gets so bad that (at times) I can only selfishly focus on it and how much I wish I had relief. In a way, it's good that I'm going through this now because it brings my focus back on Lent and His passion. It makes me think about how my fears are selfish and how I lack trust in Him when I fail to do something because of them. It makes me feel guilty that I haven't attended Mass; just an hour (or so) per week to give thanks for all the good things in my life. It also puts a lot of things into perspective, which is good during this liturgical season.

I'm grateful that this is happening during Spring Break, after my last big exam, and before my schedule gets crazy busy again. I'm grateful that, despite not getting pain relief at the hospital last night (I didn't have the pain so bad while I was there), I still got the good news that some areas of my health had improved... and even got tips from both the nurse and the doctor regarding a number of things that will help me get healthier quicker and for longer periods of time; some I hadn't heard from my regular doctor. I'm also incredibly grateful to my friends who've prayed for me and who've been patient with my "I'm in so much pain! This stinks!" texts. I'm a baby when it comes to being in pain when it exceeds my (pretty high) pain tolerance level.

I guess this Lent's theme is shaping up to be on focusing on Christ's pain and what that means to me... and what I can do to improve myself. This sinus pain began (very tolerable) on Ash Wednesday and has increased as the days have passed, especially since Sunday. AnneMarie's comment (on the last blog post) about learning to be flexible with my Lenten plans is something I shall have to keep in mind. Whilst I had my own plans for what I wanted this Lent to be, God seems to have other plans for me... and I'm perfectly willing to follow the path He wants me to take.

Anyway, I hope everyone is having a less adventurous Lent than I've been having thus far. Seriously, it's only been a week in and I've already dealt with more things (several of which I'm keeping private) in these past 8 days when I did all of 2016. I can feel my jaw (on my right side) becoming more sore -- it's been sore since I woke up late this morning and have had a bit of trouble eating -- and the tooth pain is starting again so I'm going to watch the season finale of PBS's Victoria while I try to take it easy.

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :)

Not a Complete Lost Cause?

Note to self (and everyone else): don't ever think I'll have time to blog during the semester because "free time" does not exist. How many weeks until winter break? 5? How months until graduation? 6? Cue "Little Emmy that Could" motivational slogans...

Oh, hi, everyone! Sorry for the lack of posts but, well, "free time" is the unicorn in my life right now. I had a rare two hours of free time a couple of days ago so I wrote a chapter and a half for NaNoWriMo but that's about it. Whatever free time I have in between observation hours, writing the reports for those hours, watching lecture videos, doing homework assignments, and preparing for tests (but not studying for them... never enough time) has been spent in prayer or making sure I'm eating and sleeping well. I'm not making the mistake of not eating and sleeping in order to get everything done like I did two years ago. I don't want to repeat that, especially since I'm still paying for it with my health. (quick side note to that: I've managed to maintain a healthy weight and have even regained two of the pounds I'd lost during the early part of the semester when I was going through all my health scares. I've also been eating and sleeping well.)

Anyway, I've had a couple of people ask me if I've been able to get to Mass since my last blog post and I'm happy to say that I was able to go for All Saints' Day (finally, a day of obligation for L.A.!)... but only for a couple of minutes. Long story short, my mother wasn't feeling well (chest pressure and palpitations) and I wasn't about to leave her home alone while I went to Mass, make her make the 15-mile trip to the local Latin Mass, nor have her miss Mass if she felt better later so I had to cancel our transportation and settled on going to Mass at the local parish. There were a few hiccups along the way and we ended up arriving little late to Mass. Not only that, the priest at this parish loves to use incense and, while I love the smell of it, it makes me much more lightheaded than I usually have been lately. I had to stand in the back for the majority of the time we were there and then I started feeling worse so we had to leave. I did try and we made it to the Mass but just not the entire Mass. Baby steps, right? Hopefully, tomorrow will be more successful.

What I have been getting better about is my prayer life. On All Saints' Day, we (many of you lovely blog readers, friends, and even my mama) started the 54-day Rosary novena which has been a huge blessing to far. Yes, we're only 5 days into it and I've had my fair share of not so great experiences in those 5 days but I've been able to focus on the Rosary meditations much better than I have in months. Also, is it just me or has this novena been going by way too fast? I feel like it's flying by. I don't know if it's because I have so much to do during the day (which leaves my novena prayer time for right before I go to bed), if it's because I'm used to the praying the Rosary daily, because I do novenas frequently, or a combination of all three. Maybe this novena was just what I needed to get back in the proper mind frame.

Even a year ago, while I was at JPCatholic, I was still in that "I need to get coursework done first!" mentality. I put essential things such as sleep, eating, and even prayer time before it. Now it's the opposite. I put more of an emphasis on self-care and prayer. I'm not stressing out as much on getting all the maximum points on my assignments and exams. My motto this semester has been: "if I pass, awesome... if not, oh well. I tried." That's not to say that I don't study (when I have the time and mental capacity for it) but I don't stress myself out like I used to. I keep reminding myself that I have other options in case I end up not being able to finish this degree for whatever reason. I already have one degree and other career options. I'm trusting God to pull off miracles if I come up short in my efforts (especially if they're beyond my control) but He wants me to take that particular path in life. So maybe I'm not a complete lost cause?

Even though I've come out meetings and the confessional feeling like I don't have what it takes to be a faithful Catholic (just one priest has made me feel that way, btw), even though I can't always make it to Mass, even though I'm still trying to remember that the state of my soul needs more attention than temporary things here on this earth -- coursework, I'm looking at you, and even though I can't always concentrate on some of my prayers (folate deficiency and anemia are mental fog beasts), maybe there's still hope for me. I've certainly felt that way since All Saints' Day. Again, not sure if it's the novena or everyone's prayers because I know I have a lot of people praying for me. Cue "Everything is Awesome" from the LEGO movie. lol.

Alright, that's it for now. I'm hoping to make it to confession in an hour so I should go eat and get ready. Please, oh, please... let me go to confession today! It's been 6 long weeks, the longest I've gone without going to confession in years. I'm usually a "week to 2 weeks" type of gal when it comes to this sacrament so I'm itching to go back. 

I won't have time to blog again until at least after Tuesday because I have an exam on Monday morning to study for and observation hours to do... and homework assignments due... and reports to write for the observation hours... and a research paper to write with a group... Yeah, can December 16 get here already? Thanks. ;)

I hope y'all are having a great weekend and have a lovely rest of weekend into next week. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Quick Reminder: 54-day Rosary Novena

Just a quick reminder for those of you who are doing the 54-day Rosary novena with us starting Tuesday, November 1st (All Saints' Day): if you want me to remind you, please let me know by tomorrow night. I'm getting a second 24-hour heart holster fitted on Monday and I have a lot of coursework to do between tonight (been working on this stuff for a couple of days now) through Monday night so I want to make sure I have everyone's names written down on my list for Tuesday morning.

I hope to remind everyone around the same time every day. I'll schedule it on the FB page but it'll vary on Twitter since my next two weeks are filled with a lot of work. Can you say "second half of the semester rush"? I'll aim for the morning but might be in the afternoon at times. Just a warning.

Alright, that's it for now. I need to go back and try not to virtually shin kick my classmates in one of the three group projects I'm working on this semester. I don't have any problems with anyone in any other group except with one. Goodness me... may the Lord give me patience while dealing with these women. lol.

I hope y'all are having a lovely weekend thus far. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

God Keeps Surprising Me

If you've prayed for me recently -- especially in the past couple of days -- I want to say a massive "thank you!" I know some of y'all stepped up your prayers after you read my last blog post in which I wrote about being diagnosed with an acute kidney injury due to the dehydration. After my follow-up yesterday, the first thing I thought of when I was told that my kidneys were back to normal (at 0.9; normal is 0.6-0.9) was that I have amazing friends.

Yes, my kidneys are back to normal though on the high end so I'll have to keep drinking loads of fluids and eating salty foods because my sodium level is a bit low. My red blood count and platelets were higher. White blood cells are in normal range. I hope with the vitamins and minerals I was prescribed, I will continue to recover. My weight has been stable for the past 6 months and has been normal for the first time in 4 years. Recovery mode, on it. ;)

God keeps surprising me in wonderful ways. I was completely surprised and overwhelmed by the amount of love and prayers I received this past week. Yes, I'm tearing up even as I type this because it was a kind of love and support I haven't seen since my father passed away 7 years ago. Words of encouragement, prayers... I definitely felt them. The quick recovery mode? Another way I see that God still loves me, even if I'm stuck on the struggle bus.

In all honesty, I still struggle with the spiritual dryness I've had for several weeks but through your continued prayers it's so much better than it was three weeks ago. I know it's a slow process that requires prayer and patience that I'll gladly endure because He is worth it. Eliminating choices that would've pulled me further away from the God and the Church, relying more on prayer than my own (over-analytical) mind, and being surrounded by supportive friends has greatly helped. Forgiving those who've been unkind (and even emotionally abusive) towards has also been a massive help to combat the dryness. Despite all of this, I'm not fully out yet.

I still feel a disconnect between God and myself but a deep desire to remedy it has began to burn. Don't feel like praying? I keep praying, even if it's forced at times. I keep reading books on vocation and prayer. I keep veiling and keeping my head covered during Mass and adoration. I haven't been to Mass for the past three weekends because I've been stuck in bed but I've felt the urge to go more intensely lately. I even pushed myself to drive to confession last weekend when I should've stayed home because the dehydration symptoms were getting worse. Don't drive while dizzy, kids! Though I may feel spiritually empty, I hope that my attempts still show my love and respect for Him. I don't "feel" the love but I know that I do love Him or else I wouldn't even be trying. Feelings (or lack thereof in this case) can be false and misleading so I'm basically ignoring them when it comes to my spiritual life right now. I'm going to keep going, no matter what. Mama and daddy didn't raise no quitter. lol.

Though I can't seem to concentrate on or even "feel" what I'm praying on a daily basis, I still see glimpses of God's love for me. Even if it's for a split second, I'll be surprised by those little moments. I may be praying something (rosary, chaplet, Little Office, etc) without much feeling or energy but then something will happen that breathes life into the rest of my time in prayer. I'll be sitting in the adoration chapel (haven't had the physical strength to kneel), feeling spiritual numb, when a memory will trigger a feeling of love and/or peace. I definitely felt it this week through the prayers that were said for me. I couldn't pray at the hospital (even when I tried) but I still felt His love through the actions and words of others. Keep surprising me when I least expect it, God. I love it. Even if it's surprises like "S'prise! You're going back to your alma mater after saying 'peace out, suckers!' and that you'd never return 4 years ago." lol. Keep challenging me. It's how I'll continue to grow. :D

Alright, I need to go finish two assignments that are due this weekend so I'm going to stop here.

I hope y'all had a lovely week and that you have a great weekend. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

More Hospital Visits (Update)

Wow, what a week it's been since the last update. I've been in the hospital three days for different reasons. If you're not following me on Twitter, you've missed a flurry of updates. Basically, on Mama Mary's birthday I went to the local ER (read: not the one where I'm a regular patient) for palpitations that lasted over an hour. Last time I had them that bad was when I had an infection and my body was fighting it off. They didn't do any tests except the EKG and dismissed it as anxiety when the EKG came back normal.

Fast forward to 4 days later (on Monday). I drove to the hospital feeling very dizzy and fatigued, assuming it was due to a lack of sleep. Still, I didn't want to miss having a heart holster fitted (for the palpitations) so I went in. The cardiology nurse who fitted the holster suggested I go to the ER because I didn't look great and was really dizzy. She also said I shouldn't be driving dizzy. That's true. I did take a lot of side streets and have someone in the car with me so it wasn't like I was being completely dumb. I wanted to wave it off but something made me listen to her. I didn't go to the ER but went to urgent care because I didn't think it was bad enough for the ER. Several tests later we found out my kidneys weren't working properly. Hello two big bags of IV fluids. The doctor said I had UTI and she thoughts my kidneys weren't working due to dehydration. After the stomach bug that lasted an entire week and then spending another week fatigued, I was and wasn't surprised about the dehydration. I'm usually good about my water intake especially when I'm sick but apparently I was also not replacing the sodium lost. Antibiotics given. I least I left the hospital with good news: red and white blood count as well as platelets were better than they were in late June. Still, I have pancytopenia (which means all three are lower than normal) so I have to take the folic acid pills along with vitamin C and iron to see if it's the abysmal folate level and the anemia (which I had for several months) that caused the pancytopenia.

Early this morning I received a call from one of the doctors that I "basically" didn't have a UTI after all; that I didn't have to take the antibiotics. Good thing I hadn't started them yet -- just got them filled and was about to start them literally minutes before the doctor called. My kidneys are "under the weather" but it might be because of the dehydration. I was supposed to return to the hospital today to get more tests done but was advised to hold it off until tomorrow to see the progress my kidneys. If there isn't an improvement, they'll do an ultrasound to see what's going on. At the moment they're not too worried, especially since I've been feeling better.

It's been a trip. Literally and figuratively. The hospital is a bit of a drive for me (especially since I refuse to drive on the freeways) so I'm glad I don't have any more trips to make in the foreseeable future. I went in yesterday to get the holster taken off but I wasn't there for more than maybe half an hour.

I would be lying if I said I haven't felt sad and frustrated over all of this. I've spent the past two days in tears. Before anyone tells me to trust God... yes, I know. I do but that doesn't mean that my very human emotions can be turned off easily. I do have my moments of feeling like I'm defeated but they don't last too long. Those tears are usually because I see my mother suffering (and it was her birthday yesterday) or because other people say rude remarks or make me feel bad. Sensitive gal over here, remember? Yes, I'm frustrated that it's happened at the busiest time for me. Yes, I'm sad that I can't seem to catch a break when it comes to my health. Yes, I do trust God and I sometimes think I deserve some of what I'm going through. Yes, I remember that Jesus suffered more than I ever will. Still, I feel deeply and tears do happen.

I've also missed a lot of study time. A lot. I've gotten no hours of studying for exams done since the semester began... two weeks ago. Yep. I've gotten my coursework done in time (although I've received some, well, not so kind remarks from classmates for not turning in my portion of what's due in a couple of days; yes, not due for a couple of days and already breathing down my neck over it) but zero for studying on the first exams... which are next week. I hope I still remember some of it from last time I took these courses because I won't get enough time to study like I would've liked.

And that's my update for now. I want to get the group collaboration questions for my very... special snowflake... classmates submitted so they'll give me a break and stop making me feel lousy for being sick and not having had the time to submit anything. Oh, I cried many a tears last night over their very public (read: on the course message board for all to see) comments about what a terrible and irresponsible classmate I am. Lesson for all: never assume things about someone because they may be going through something. Also, never expect anyone to go by your own deadlines... especially if you want to finish way before an assignment is due. Not expecting any apologies, to be honest, and that's okay.

Thank you to everyone who has prayed for me. I ask that you please continue to keep me in your prayers until we get another update on how my kidneys are doing. I hope they're on the mend and that they were not doing well (medical term is acute kidney injury... don't Google it like I did unless you want to worry like I did, lol) because of the dehydration.

Anyway... I'm going to get some coursework done. No rest until bedtime for this gal. Applying war paint now...

As always, thanks for reading and God bless. :D