This weekend I got a chance to really talk to my confessor about the trouble I've been having at school. Forget my Thesis (which is done!). Forget finals. Forget the insane hour to three hour (each way!) trip I have to take to get to and from campus. It's a little more serious than that.
Remember that music professor I wrote about a few weeks ago? The one who seemingly has it out for me? Well, she was being okay for a while but it's started up again... and I have a very strong feeling that she will try to dock my grade as much as she can simply because she does not like me. She's been taking out whatever is going on with her on myself and another classmate. I will be talking to someone this week in case this happens. I'm covering all my bases. I SHOULD be graded on the work I've done in class and not on other stuff. And, yes, I admit that I have missed many lectures but when she's the cause of the horrific panic attacks that cause me to miss her class... well... you get it. But this isn't even the worse thing I've encountered.
Those of you who've read this blog long enough know about my struggles at my CINO college. Things have been more bearable this school year because I've only had two Religious Studies courses. Still, it's as bad in other non-Religious Studies classes... and this is what I told my confessor. I don't think it's very productive venting about situations and people but I've learned the hard way that bottling up emotions is bad. That is actually a huge cause for my anxiety. I don't "talk smack" about people but I do make it known that I am not happy with the way certain people (like my professors) treat me and how they speak out against the Church. I told him just what I've heard during lectures. "The Pope is a super rat with red shoes." Priests are dragged through the mud. "Women should be priest(esses) if they want." "The Church is patriarchal and want to oppress women." "Contraception is the best thing that happened to women." These are just some examples, it gets worse but I won't have time to get into them all just now.
As I was telling my confessor this, he looked surprised and unhappy. (side note: he's my new confessor since Fr. Alexander passed away last month.) I only gave me a sample of what I've heard and how I feel bad about venting about my professors (especially because I've heard it mostly from the nuns who are the professors)... but I have to get my frustration out by speaking about it. I am NOT okay with it. It's one thing to take whatever the professors are feeling out on me (I am sensitive and I may cry but I can always offer it up)... it's a whole different thing to take it out on Pope Benedict XVI, clergy, and the Church. My confessor told me one simple thing that made a bigger impact on me than he might've intended: defend him, other priests, and the Pope against these kinds of attacks.
I've been praying and asking God to show me what do with my life after graduation. After doing all the research for my Thesis about our generation (Generation Y), religious beliefs amongst our generation, and the Church, I felt like I was heading in the right direction in terms of what I wanted to do. It wasn't until I heard my confessor tell me to defend them that it all clicked for me. I'm going to do my darnest to try to get the word out to this generation (as well as the younger generations) that we have to do what we can to defend the Church and her members.
By that I don't mean fighting for the sake of fighting; no violence, please. I am talking about educating ourselves about the true teachings of the Church (not what the mass media and others may ignorantly inform us) so that we are prepared to go against what is thrown our way. After reading all those Vatican documents and doing all that research, I have a new outlook on things and I deeper love and appreciation for the Church and the Pope. Alicia, Trista, and I have even formed our own little Pope fan club. ;)
We have such a wonderful Pope, priests, and nuns (we cannot forget about religious sisters :D) that bring us closer to God and to knowing Him better with our hearts... yet they are constantly attacked. Why not show our appreciation for all that they do by doing what we can to help them? If you're not feeling up to going toe-to-toe with someone, pray for them. As my mom has reminded me since I was a little girl, prayers and faith can move mountains. We can pray for a change of heart and that person's conversion.
From this day on, I'd like to be known as Emmy, defender of not only God, the Blessed Virgin Mary, Saints, and the unborn but of the Pope and Priests as well. It's a long title but it's one that is now etched into my heart. With only 3 weeks (exactly) until my graduation ceremony, I am going to do what I can to leave my mark at that school... to show them that I came out of it with my faith stronger and more intact than when I started. Call that an epic win for God and a fail for those who tried to keep me away from Him.
Anyway, I'm off to finish some of my last assignments as an undergrad student. No, it hasn't hit me just yet. Give me another week (when there is only one week of classes and finals week left) for it to hit home that I'm done. ;)
I hope you all had a blessed weekend (I LOVE Divine Mercy Sunday though I was sadly too sick to attend Mass yesterday) and have a great week. :D
As always, thanks for reading and God Bless! :D