My Breakdown and What it Did to My Faith

This is hard for me to admit but, this is my journey and if it helps someone it'll be worth saying it:

I had a breakdown a couple of days ago.

Feel free to judge me as you want. The stigma of it makes me feel ashamed but I've come to terms with the fact that I was a lot stronger for much longer than I should've been.

There were a number of contributing factors that just added up at the worst time; all at the same time. Those I've trusted with the details the two main causes -- who hurt me and what happened. No one who knows the details is happy with those involved. I have never seen so much swearing coming from my friends before; they're that angry on my behalf.

Then we have my digital burnout. I don't think I need to say anything about that; y'all know what has happened. Y'all can see some of the hurtful messages I have received in the days prior to my digital detox break -- at least the ones that don't have their accounts protected. I don't need to tell y'all how overwhelmed I felt but y'all also didn't know this happened during one of the most difficult times in my personal life. (side note: if you hate seeing my updates and prayer requests on Twitter so much, please just unfollow me instead of telling me that no one cares about what I'm going through and/or that no one is going to help me when I ask for prayers. It's incredibly hurtful when all I'm asking for is prayers.)

To everyone who kicked me while I was already down, I want to say: I forgive you. I don't want to feel anger or resentment, though I have. I don't want to blame anyone for causing my breakdown, though others have and still do. I'm simply going to pray for those who hurt me and ask God to merciful.

Have I also mentioned that my car broke down (again; still at the mechanic's), that our check for the rent bounced (and now we have to pay $100+ we don't have due to the error; thanks, Chase!), and that I experienced a strong spiritual attack all on the same day as well? Yes, it all happened at once and within a couple of hours.

Hitting rock bottom is incredibly humbling. At first, I felt ashamed and embarrassed. I felt like I deserved it -- all of what happened. Friends will argue with me on those points but that's what I believed. It took a lot of (patiently) walking me through everything that happened to help me get through the worst of it. I now understand that I could have prevented some of it -- up to a point -- but that the bulk of it was out of my hands, I did everything I could to prevent things from ending the way it did. I am so incredibly grateful to God for placing the right people in my path during those dark days because it was really bad.

Going to First Friday adoration last weekend -- though I couldn't stay for the entire hour like I had planned -- was refreshing balm for my weary soul. Immersing myself in scripture, particularly the Psalms, has been the nourishment that has kept me from completely breaking down to the point of needing hospitalization. My regime as a Benedictine Oblate novice -- praying the Divine Office, doing Lectio Divina, and doing everything with God in mind -- has saved me from spiraling down into an even deeper depression.

Providentially, I received my Epiphany gift to myself on the day of the breakdown. That gift? A Benedictine crucifix -- a crucifix with a St. Benedict medal imbedded in it -- blessed and sent by the Benedictine monks at Clear Creek Abbey. It almost felt like God was saying, "Here. You're going to need this. Hold onto it and never forget that the crosses you bear will only bring you closer to Me." And it has felt that way.

Though I hit that wall, God has never been far from my mind. Though my mind might focus on the latest calamity for a minute, I've somehow managed to find God in it.

He's there with me in the arguments and anger, in the tears and sorrow, and in the attacks. He's there with me, reassuring me that it's all going to be okay. No saint went without their trials on this earth. While I'm nowhere near being a saint, I know that God never allows anything to happen which won't sanctify us. I know that if I have to go through this, it's all for a reason.

Perhaps I need to shed vanity, pride, and/or other vices I may have. Perhaps I need to atone for any past sins I might've committed. Perhaps I'm just called to endure suffering to offer it up for others, especially the Church. I don't know the reason (or reasons). I may never know them, but I have no doubt that God is going to use all of this for good because God is good all the time.

The story of Job has been on my mind these last couple of days. I am reminded of how I need to strive to stay faithful to God's commandments and always praise Him for the blessings He has given me, even during the most difficult moments of my life. And, it's not always easy. I've asked God why He has allowed this to happen; why I must suffer. It's a human response to it. I have my moments of "Well, I deserve it", unlike Job who was innocent of wrongdoings. But then I'm reminded that I am a beloved daughter of the Lord's. Just as my earthly father would've hated seeing me in pain and suffering from a broken heart, I know that God does not delight in seeing what is happening. But, as I said, I know that this is all happening for a reason so I accept it. That's when I take refuge in the Psalms, doing Lectio Divina; because I can always find some words of consolation from them.

Just how has my breakdown affected my relationship with God? It has only strengthened it to a degree I didn't know was possible. As I'm writing this, I've reached the point where I'm even grateful for the trials because they have only brought me closer to God.

I meant it when I said that I was prepared to give my heart to God, even if it had to break otherwise. If breaking me down -- making me hit the lowest of the low in a way I had never experienced -- is the way to help me be able to fully give myself to God, then I give thanks for the hardships. I want to belong fully to God and if it means that I have to "start over" (in a sense) from rock bottom then I'm prepared to do that.

After adoration last Friday, I got to chat with a fellow parishioner who helped me see things from a different perspective on one of the main causes of my breakdown. I saw the immense blessings that came from it. Then, as I was getting ready to leave, a ladybug landed on my back (which someone else pointed out because I obviously couldn't see it). It did not want to leave my side. The lovely part of these two things -- the chat and the ladybug -- was that it reminded me of Our Blessed Mother. After all, she was the one who interceded for me -- oh, if I could only tell y'all details of how she blessed me through this crummy situation! Also, legend has it that ladybugs were named after Our Blessed Mother after Catholic farmers asked her intercessions so... hard not to think about her. Having that ladybug on my back felt like Mama Mary saying she also had my back. Badda-tssss.

Things are still a mess. I still have to figure out how to heal, how to move forward, and how to work things out (e.g. the car and rent issues). I'm still very much hurting and fragile. I have to be very careful because I know another big things will push me over the edge and I don't want that to happen. Trust me, it can very easily go there but I have God and Our Lady on my side and I place all my trust in them.

Please, say a prayer for those involved because the two big causes are not pretty and they're not going to go away easily. I pray that those involved have their hearts and minds enlightened by the Holy Spirit to ensure that there is no more hurt inflicting on anyone. One of those people I can (and have) absolutely avoid; the other I cannot, despite everyone's best efforts to put a considerable amount of distance between the two of us.

It's been an incredibly difficult start to 2020 but I know that God will bring good out of this.

Anyway, I hope to write again soon and update y'all with (God willing) better news. For now, I just want to thank everyone who has prayed for me. You have all been in my prayers.

Always, thanks for reading and God bless. :)

My Silly Fears vs Doing God's Will

Last week I was offered a job by a priest and I ended up doing something I never thought I'd do: I declined it. The girl who wants to eventually get her Masters in Theology... who loves going to adoration and daily Mass... who fangirls over seeing nuns and priests in places like Disneyland... that girl declined to work in a place where she'd be content.

Before you ask why this is a big deal, please refer back to my post about being apprehensive about taking a job and entering a field that was not fully immersed in the Church; a "secular" job. It was written right before I "bit the bullet" and decided (almost impulsively) to apply to Utah State's Communicative Disorders and Deaf Education program. I used to think that if I didn't have a job doing something related to Catholicism, I would be in danger of being pulled away. It was silly but I'd seen too many people fall away easily.

I spent the first 7 years of my reversion (late summer 2006 through autumn 2013) wanting to be completely immersed in Catholicism. I didn't really want to do anything else. However, I was stuck. That isn't to say that the Church and my Faith has kept my back; it was my own lack of trust of God and my own silly fears that kept me from moving forward. Then (with a lot of help from my spiritual director) I decided to let go and to trust God. "Okay, Lord, you want me to do this? I'll do it," has been my motto over the past couple of months... and especially over the last couple of weeks.

As I shared with y'all, I failed my first couple of exams when I started the COMD (that's the nickname we use) program last month. I over-studied for one class and I didn't study well enough for another. I wasn't the only one; those of us newbies who don't have a background in linguistics were (and still are) struggling. However, as much as it stung for this self-described academic nerd, I am still grateful because it only fueled the fire to do well. I could've easily said "well, I tried... this isn't for me" or "I should've stuck to Theology." I could've withdrawn from my courses right then and there since it was still early enough in the semester to do so... but I didn't. I didn't want to quit because I feel such a wonderful peace and happiness when I am doing my coursework. No matter how hard my courses may be (and they are hard; I didn't blog for weeks because of difficult exams/midterms I had to study for), I'm sure I'm doing what God wants me to do so I keep fighting.

The job offer came the week before my difficult Chemistry exam. For those who know me, y'all know that science (and math!) and I don't get along. At all. Those had been my biggest weak spots as a student from junior high until the end of my first Bachelor's degree. The thought "well, if I fail this thing spectacularly, it'll be a sign that maybe I'm not in the right field after all" popped up but I wasn't convinced. While it would have been a dream come true to get this job offer up until a few months ago, it doesn't feel right anymore. I still feel an immense love for the Church but having a job at a parish is not where I'm meant to be at the moment.

At the risk of sounded boastful (which I'm really not trying to do), I have never had to really work hard for desired grades. Everything came easy to me... but it took me these first 7 weeks in the COMD program to realize that it was all easy for me because I didn't have to push myself. I was coasting; I did things that didn't really challenge me in any way out of fear. The same could've been said for my spiritual life. I lived in fear (which produced anxiety) and that was what kept me in my "comfort zone"; it kept me from moving forward.

Having to let go of my silly fears and learning to have complete trust in God (even when I'm not sure of what He has in store for me) hasn't been easy. I know I've said this a lot over the last couple of weeks but it's still very true. Part of what I had to let go of was my fear of not having a job that was connected to Catholicism in any obvious way. "Okay, Lord... you want me to do this? I'll do it."

While I was studying Chemistry last week (and Anatomy... and Speech Communications in previous weeks), I came to realize just how amazing God is in ways I never really considered. Instead of being grossed out in anatomy (yeah, I don't do blood and guts too well), I've been able to see how amazing the human body really is. Instead of just learning how to help children speak, I've seen how incredible babies are and how they begin their understanding of language from the moment they're born (or even while still in the womb, according to some scientists). Instead of just learning what formulas were needed for conversion, I was able to see how even the smallest atom has an important role in His creation. Who said Catholicism and science can't be friends? ;)

So, yes, I did turn down a job that would have me in a happy, comfortable place... but it's because I don't believe it's what God wants for me. (side note: before you ask me, no, I can't do both right now. The program I'm in is too intense and requires most of my time.) I'm no longer going for comfort due to fears or my selfish wants. I'm doing what God wants from me, even if that means I'll get challenged in ways I never imagined. For me, that currently means enduring an intense program so that I can help others. If God gave me the gift of patience (which seems nonexistent when I drive sometimes, lol), the ability to hold babies and little children's attentions (baby magnet *points to self*), and a great desire to and love of helping others, I think I'm entering the right field. A rose from St. Therese of Lisieux on her feast day, an acceptance letter to the COMD program on St. Teresa of Avila's feast day, and an overwhelming sense of peace can't be wrong. ;)

So, final score (sorry, World Cup on my mind): Emmy's silly fears: 0 and Doing God's will: 1... just as it should always be. :D

Alright, I need to go finish cleaning up my desk before I study for one of my COMD courses. :)

I hope y'all have been well. Keep sending me those prayer requests; I've gotten to them all thus far. ;)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

The Fear of Not Being Holy; Having a Secular Job

I've been stressing over the whole grad school situation for several weeks now. I keep going back and forth for many reasons but mostly because of fear and because I don't know what God's will for me is. In a sense, I am currently pretty aimless and I don't like it.

I've been chatting with many friends about my current situation because that's how I think best: talking and getting feedback. Most friends just listen and say "trust God" (which, no offense, but I am getting tired of hearing because it makes me feel like I'm a horrible person who doesn't already trust God). Some try to "steer me" (which feels a lot like forcing me) to go one way or another. When I vented (sorry!) to Julie about how stressed I was and how I felt pushed by some to pursue what they thought was best for me, she said some things (which will remain between her and I) that made realize something: I think I'm afraid of having a "secular" (read: not in a Catholic atmosphere) job because I think it'll somehow drag me away from God and from my wish to be as holy as possible.

I think this goes back to my time at the CINO college. I was in a "Catholic" place but it might as well been secular with the things that were taught (and not taught). The time between my father's death in 2009 and graduation day last year were some of the lowest points in my spiritual life. I went numb for almost an entire year after my father passed... and then I was surrounded by people who were actively trying to destroy orthodoxy with their heresies and blasphemies. It drove me to want to do something about it but I didn't (and still don't) know how. Teaching was an option... except that speaking in front of crowds makes me feel sick and I don't think I'm quite cut out to teach children that aren't my own as I have a fear of misguiding them with my lack of knowledge.

Since I've returned to the Church, 7 years ago, I've never imagined myself having a "secular" job -- one that wasn't somehow connected to the Church. Teaching was an option I never wanted. Being a Director of Religious Education is an option as well but I don't want that kind of leadership role (trust me, I'm a team-player / behind the scenes kind of gal). There are other options as well but none of them are really feasible for myself and my situation. I have my mother to take care of; her declining health is something that I can't push aside so that I can do what I want. Since she will seemingly retire early, it will be my job to provide for the two of us (especially if I never marry; more on this later). More fear of not being able to survive sets in, though I know God has always managed to get us out of financial scrapes.

And here's the second fear: I fear that if I do Speech-Language Pathology instead of Theology will make me a bad person because I would be choosing a career path that would help us financially and would potentially cut my off spiritually. THAT is where my biggest fear lies. When I first considered doing SLP, I didn't know what the salary was. I saw my good friend having problems finding a speech therapist for her son and it inspired me to look into it. Once money came into the picture, it made me start doubting myself; it made me think that I was doing it for the money and that scared the heck out of me.

Want to know what's been causing me stress the past couple of weeks? You just found out.

All of that has been swirling around in my mind for weeks and then wonderful Julie reminded me that being a speech therapist was a noble career. I love children and I want to help them so why not do it in a way that I best utilizes my gifts? I'm good one-on-one (better than in groups). I apparently have some sort of superhuman patience (lol). Even when I'm at the worst (anxiety, sick, etc), children make me push it all aside and focus on the good. I am reminded of how much I want to help people when I see someone who needs it. Nowhere in this way of thinking (which I had no problem with until the last couple of weeks) does money come into play. Julie helped remind me remember why I had chosen their career path and why I had pushed an MA in Theology aside. I may get it in the future but I am not sure this is the right path for me now... much to the disappointment of many people.

I wonder if the Enemy put this doubt into my mind; that I was doing it for the wrong reasons and that having a good paying job - which is not an easy job; lots of hard work - would somehow make me less holy. I wouldn't put it past him.

One more thing before I end this uber long post (sorry!): I can always find ways to incorporate my faith into my life while having a "secular" job. I still do intend to join a Third Order (the Carmelites are currently in the lead for this one, closely followed by the Dominicans). If I am able to, I do want to return to my daily Mass schedule before work (which I've seen many hospital workers do). If I do get married and have children, I will be able to teach them and pass along my beautiful faith to them. Who knows, maybe when I finally get my time management skills down pat, I could do some volunteer parish work. If people like St. Gianna Beretta Molla and Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati could chose paths that didn't have them working within a church setting and they still managed to lead holy lives, why can I attempt to do the same?

Anyway, this is all super long and I haven't had a proper lunch (though it is closer to dinner time) so I'm going to see what I can find to munch on while I plan dinner.

I hope y'all are having a good weekend thus far. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless. :D

When God Provides, He Provides; Anxiety Be Gone

Lack of updates have been due to illness. Meh. Summer is the worst season for me and illnesses. I think that's why I hate the season. But, before I get completely off track, I want to say that one good thing has come out of the summer has been learning to let go of stress and anxiety and placing everything in God's hands when you're at your lowest.

If you have anxiety -- and particularly the kind that I have -- then you know that it's really hard to do this. To not have secure or control over something can trigger the anxiety. Let me explain it this way: lately, the lack of a job, the dwindling savings, and the unpredictable nature of my anxiety has prevented me from applying for jobs far from home. That's what I'm attributing as the cause for my anxiety lately.

Sometimes I will do things to try to get myself to let go of a certain fear. When I was 17-18 years old, I developed social anxiety and intense agoraphobia. This was caused by my freshman/sophomore year History teacher embarrassing me in front of my classmates and my classmates being allowed to go along with it. For a long time, I couldn't leave the house. I would break out in a sweat at the thought of it. When I was 18-19 (after I got over some of my fear by taking a retail job), I started going to concerts. I would make myself stand in front of the stage, in the middle, with no way of getting out. If the anxiety went crazy, oh well. I would not leave. Oh, and I would go to these concerts by myself. That's how I got over my social anxiety. Nowadays, I can go to Disneyland or the Hollywood Bowl (read: crowded, with hundreds and thousands of people) and enjoy myself without the fear.

I can't really do anything to get myself over the stress and anxiety of not having an income... except letting it (the anxiety) go completely. I've tried to let go of things I can't control, but I don't always succeed. Like I said, not easy for me to do this because of anxiety and past experiences. I've succeeded with some things but with other things I still need to keep working on. Baby steps.

Ever since dad passed away, mom and I have been just barely scraping by. While I was in school, I had some funds coming in that helped us out. Now that I've graduated, and have to start paying back my loan in two months, it's different... and it's anxiety inducing. After I pinpointed this as the biggest stress lately, I prayed that God would help me let go of that anxiety.

I've always said (and have known) that God will provide when someone is in need. I've seen it happen multiple times. This is me not saying that I didn't trust God to provide because I did (and I still do), but I couldn't let go of the anxiety. It's a hard place to be. I knew God would send me what I needed (i.e. a job) when I needed it. I trust that He will keep me on the path He wants me to take. When the right time comes, I know God will put the right man in my life (and this is the last thing on my mind at the moment.)  It wasn't until the last two weeks that I really just let the anxiety of not being able to find a job (and knowing how insanely bad the job market is for my graduating class) go and trying to be as stress-free over it as possible.

I prayed once to Our Lady of Divine Providence (it was supposed to be a novena but I never finished it) and it seems that that was all it took. In the past week I've been blessed with some freelance writing opportunities. I am not expecting big pay (in fact, I know I will have to write a lot of mundane articles at first) but it's better than nothing. I'm not stressing over the pay or anything like that. In fact, when I found out I would have the chance to start writing this week, I felt such an overwhelming sense of peace. I personally felt like God was saying "this is what I want you to do, even if it's temporary. You like to write? Here you go, kiddo." To be quite honest, I cried out of sheer excitement and joy. I thanked God (and Our Lady of Divine Providence) for answering my prayers.

I'm sharing this because I know many of us (from my generation especially) are in the same boat. The economic instability is really affecting us. For some it's hard to trust God. For others it's not hard to trust God but there's still that little bit of anxiety that is still felt because of the situation. I found myself in the latter category. Love Him, trust Him, but the situation sucks while you're living it. I think that this is natural (for us to feel a little stressed when we're in these types of situations) but we need to remind ourselves that we are never alone. I cannot stress this enough: God WILL provide. I don't know what your need is but He will find a way to make sure that you have what you need when you most need it. It may not be what you want but it will be what you need. (quick side note: needs and wants are completely different. Remember the saying, "Beggars can't be choosers.")

Anyway, I just wanted to share this with y'all. Never give up on God because, as you can see, He never gives up on you. :)

I actually have some more writing to do so I should go do that. :)

I hope y'all had a great weekend and have a fantastic week. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless. :D

Working with My Phlegmatic-Sanguine Personality

I know I wrote about this two years ago but I wanted to revisit it since I've noticed a couple of things in the last couple of days that I hadn't noticed before. I thought about my phlegmatic-sanguine personality and how it was playing a big role in my post-grad plans... and it was a much needed reflection.

For those who are new or don’t remember what I wrote (or don’t want to read the previous blog post), as a phlegmatic-sanguine I have the following traits: “tendency for introversion,… peace-loving, conservative, well-balanced, easy-going, with a dry wit and a talent for bringing people together.” I am also outgoing but only with my close friends… and I know many of you who know me personally can vouch for the fact that this is indeed true; I’m terribly shy and quiet when I first meet someone but once I am completely comfortable with them, I’m a massive goofball. On the flip side,  I can also “be deeply wounded by sarcasm, harsh criticism, and anger when it is directed at [me].” I could go on and on but you get it. If you’ve known me for years and agree with the description, raise your hands. Oh, wow… everyone. Okay. lol.

Here is what has been replaying in my mind the last couple of days… especially since I realized that it was very much true: “A danger for the phlegmatic-sanguine is to be satisfied with achieving less than what he is capable of -- whether because he tends not to plan for the future or because the more challenging goals seem to be too much trouble.” Furthermore, it says that “because [I] place a high priority on harmonious relationships and cooperation, [I] will be tempted to conform to the expectations and goal of those around [me]. Thus, [my] goals may be lower than they ought to be…” Ding, ding, ding, ding!

You know, I never thought I actually had a problem with this until I realized that that was exactly what I was (and am) going through. I am settling for less than I am capable… and this fact was confirmed when I asked. I think I’ve always done this but I’ve always used excuses for my decisions. Now that I don’t have an excuse (well, I do but I don’t want use it anymore), maybe it’s time to try to push myself to do something that I’m scared of. Though I was encouraged to, I didn’t go for Oxford a few years ago. Though I was encouraged to do a number of things, I didn't do them... and it may be because of the fear of failure which is, unfortunately, a common trait amongst up phlegmatic-sanguines.

I have found jobs that would be okay for me (I wouldn't love them but they would bring in a steady income) but I didn't even apply for them because of my anxiety. It's been so ridiculously out of control that I've been playing it safe. I've also found some great jobs I could do at home (freelance writing) but have yet to apply for them because I have so much going on and I know that adding more things will only overwhelm me. However, for the first time since I've graduated, I've given myself a specific deadline to get all my side work (which I am, sadly, not getting paid for) done. This includes getting my novel done (how many times have I said this?) as well as some guest posts for a couple of side projects (which I will soon be able to talk about). Before I finish everything, I will start applying for these freelance writing gigs and, hopefully, I will be able to get my writing career started. I need goals. I need plans. I need to stop being so afraid of failure. (Oh, and for the record, I've currently ruled out teaching because I wouldn't be able to do it with my anxiety; I'm going to work on this while I work on my Masters. My heart isn't currently in it.)

I have a list of grad schools I'll be applying to next year. I was going to do it this year but, really, I have so many financial responsibilities on my plate at this time that I can't afford to take more time off from work. I have narrowed my search to about five colleges -- four Catholic (and I mean orthodox Catholic, not CINO) and one public (which is also out of the country.) I'll be apply for a Master's in Theology / Biblical Studies at the Catholic schools and I'll be applying for a Creative Writing Master of Fine Arts at the public university. I don't want to sit around and wonder "what if" due to the fact that I was scared to apply for a Creative Writing degree.

As for how I am combating any spiritual laziness and/or attacks (and I feel like I've been enduring a couple of these lately), I'm also taking the advice (from the book) about what to do to stay on track. I pray the Little Office of the Blessed Virgin Mary (it's part of the brown scapular enrollment), the Rosary (which I do daily; fun story about this on Monday), and keeping a sort of prayer journal to keep myself in check. It's so easy to say "I'm so exhausted... I'll just pray later." I've had a couple of those days in the past two weeks but I've still gone ahead and prayed because it could become a bad habit later on.

For the tl;dr crowd: basically, I am working with my temperament's strengths and weaknesses in order to do both what God wants me (which, to be honest, I am still not sure of) and to not get stuck doing less than I am capable of.

And for those of you who would love to help me out, feel free to bug the crumbs out of me if I'm close to these deadlines and have not finished anything:

- August 30: Book reviews for The Good Bad Boy by Fr. Gerald Brennan, If the Swords in England by Barbara Willard, The Hobbit by JRR Tolkien, and The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring by JRR Tolkien. The first two books are done (read) and I am currently tackling The Hobbit. I hope to have it and The Fellowship of the Ring read by mid next week with the reviews submitted by next weekend.

- September 12: Side project posts completed.

- September 29 (Archangels feast day): Novel completed (includes edits and any other excuses I may have). I may need at least two or three more beta readers for this.

I hope to have some freelance writing gigs lined up around October 15 (St. Teresa of Avila's feast day; appropriate, no?) at the latest. I hope to have that started in a couple of weeks but it may take me a while. We'll see. God will provide some employment... I know He will. I'm also asking Our Lady, Mother of Divine Providence as well. I am covering all my bases here. ;)

Anyway, this has gone on too long now. Oops. Sorry -- I like to write. lol.

I hope y'all have a wonderful weekend (at least what's left of it.) :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless. :D

7 Quick Takes #1

--- 1 ---

I've been contemplating doing these since I see a lot of my #CathSorority gals posting it up on their blogs. I think it'll be good as it'll keep me actively blogging without having to worry about some super amazing post that will take me a while to write. I hope to continue this tradition every Friday.

--- 2 ---

 I applied for a job (which is based in New York City) that I could've done at home and I was very excited about it until I found out that they would not even look at my application because of some ridiculous laws the state of California has regarding taxes. If I lived elsewhere, I would've had a decent shot at it. Thanks for continually messing things up for me, California. *thumbs up* lol. Seriously, though, job hunt continues.

--- 3 ---

I have come to the conclusion that I may forever be a tomboy... and I am surprisingly okay with that. I'm been on a health kick lately, wanting to get into running and being my old athletic self, mostly because I miss being active. I still have my uber girly side (if you've ever seen my wardrobe, you'd understand; lots of pinks and reds) but I'm getting to the point where I'm so comfortable in my skin that even when I'm wearing sweats, sneakers, and my hair in a ponytail I still feel feminine.

--- 4 ---

This week I've been more actively conversing with my #CathSorority gals and it's been like a breath of fresh air for me. I know I've mentioned it before but I really don't have many girl friends I hang out with because I loathe cattiness and the drama that goes with so much estrogen in one room. It's great to have the support of gals who feel the same way... and who, through their friendships, are helping me get closer to God.

--- 5 ---

I keep having dreams that I'm traveling with both of my parents. So far I've been to Vancouver as well as a couple of places in Europe. I know it's the travel bug starting once again but, being jobless and having no more savings, I know it'll be a while until I can get out of California again.

--- 6 ---

Lorna Doone Shortbread Cookies will be the end of me. I just discovered them and my self-control is getting a workout because of how delicious they are. lol. Thankfully they are dairy and egg free.

--- 7 ---

I know y'all will probably get sick of hearing about this but can I just say how helpless I felt when I heard about the Aurora, CO shooting? When I learned that a 3 month-old baby was a victim, I had to keep myself from tearing up. Prayers for all those who were affected by this tragedy.

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That's all for this edition.

Everyone have a great weekend and God bless. :D