2018: Resolutions and Possible Holy Spirit Mic Drop

Happy New Year and feast of the Most Holy Name of Jesus, everyone! :)

How was everyone's NYE/NYD celebrations? I hope it was grand for you all and that you started off the secular year on a positive note. Goodness knows many of us needed a good start after the crazy year that was 2017.

Do any of you have any resolutions for this year? Last year I didn't make any resolutions and I'm glad I didn't because God clearly had so many things in store for me that were going to rock me out of my little comfort zone. I realized that I had to let go of the things I no longer saw as important. I was challenged to grow up in more ways than one. I also joyfully surrendered will own will and plans to follow His... though that only came at the end of the year. However, this year I decided to make three resolutions/goals for myself.

Before I get into the resolutions, I wanted to share with year this sort of Holy Spirit mic drop moment when the following words came up during a discussion on fear and following God's will: "What if God allowed the Crosses in your life because it was the only way you could get relief from the demands of people who wish to make you do their will and not His?"

Mind. Blown. I hadn't thought about it that way but it makes sense. I needed to be uprooted out of what I was comfortable and felt safe in (academia and a very financially stable career path) in order to realize that I wasn't doing things for the right reasons... nor was I doing what I felt was right.

I've been open and honest about that on this blog. I was doing SLP more for the financial stability than for the love of it or the good that could come of it. I was good at working with children. I had the patience needed to work with them. I can actually still go forward and get my SLPA license if I wished to. But at what cost? The stress really did a number on me. Is it worth it? Not to me; no matter how pressured I may feel to continue.

My resolutions for this year are complementary to what I realized at the end of last year: I need to let go and let God take full control. When I say "full control" I mean full control. It doesn't mean I'm going to be passive and wait for things to fall into my lap but I am going to pursue what I feel called to do with the gifts God has given me.

My first resolution: get to Mass more often. As an answer to my prayers for the past 2 years, I will have my chosen parish community only a couple of minutes away from my house instead of a long drive/commute in a very populated/traffic-heavy area. I will be able to easily get to and from this church without having to worry about distance. Bonus: I already have shortcuts to get there since I'm in that general area quite often (again, since I live so close). I don't know who was happier about that news, my mother or I. I also don't know what made us happier: the fact that we're going to have easier access to daily Latin Mass or that we won't have to cringe when Mass begins to feel like a concert. (Mass snob over here, y'all).

My second resolution: to volunteer more. I already have ideas and places to do said volunteer work so we're good there. Also, I want to give to others. I felt like I was too selfish last year so I want to do what I can for others this year. Perhaps it'll even help me get out of my stressed out headspace as well.

My third resolution: to take better care of myself spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and physically. I need to get my eating and sleeping schedule on track but we're starting to get there in these early days of the year. I'm also already working on lowering my anxiety and stress levels by changing my outlook on life in general and how I react to things that stress and upset me. To make sure I'm on the right path in life (especially in both little v and big V vocations), I've reached out to a priest who I trust for spiritual direction.

What does 2018 have in store for me? I'm not sure. I hope it's somewhat similar to how I celebrated the beginning of the year: talking to a good friend (though online since we're on opposite coasts) about doing God's will, taking care of myself by resting in bed (I was drifting in and out of sleep between 9:35 pm and midnight), and not letting the outside noise (the ball drop, the TV, the superstitions) distract my attention from what was important. I remember getting up and consecrating my year to our Blessed Mother (which partially inspired this tweet about the lovely coincidence of it being her feast day at the same time we had a supermoon/full moon since she's the woman with the moon under her feet). Since I'll be celebrating my 33rd birthday (my "Jesus year") this upcoming May, it seems fitting that I focus more on my faith than the outside noise.

Those are my own goals and resolutions. I think (and hope) I'll be able to accomplish them. They may occasionally be challenging but what that is worthwhile isn't occasionally a little hard to achieve? What are some of your resolutions? How can I help you achieve your own goals and resolutions?

I hope you are all having a lovely start to the year! May your 2018 be one of your best years yet!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Belated Revelations

After our last young adult meeting last month, my friend Joe, another group member (whom I'll call E), and I were on our way to drop off E at his house. Since it was a bit of a drive, I took the time to share with E how I still don't drive long distances because of the car accident I had on October 13, 2015. With my lightheadedness, I don't want to risk driving long distances by myself especially at night. I showed him pictures of the accident (which I had on my iPod touch) and we talked about how it seemed to trigger events that eventually made us leave our (then) home parish and switch to where we currently attend Mass. He said something that has stayed with me, a month later, and which I think I've finally figured out: "what do you think was the message from God from that accident?" (I'm paraphrasing.)

To be honest, I never meditated on it. I had the car accident, thought my guardian angel had really helped me out (which was also the same thought E had without me saying anything) and was grateful that it hadn't been worse. When E asked me what message I thought God was trying to get across, I drew a blank. 

"I don't know," I admitted. "I never really thought about it."

"Well, maybe you should. I think God was trying to tell you something. I don't think these things happen; things happen for a reason and perhaps He was trying to say something. Otherwise, it was just an accident that you learned nothing from," he stated. Again, I'm paraphrasing but that was the gist of it and probably the closest I can get to his actual wording.

It stuck with me, especially since we talked about the coincidences. I had the car accident right after I'd gotten out of spiritual direction with my (now former) spiritual director. It happened on the anniversary of the Miracle of the Sun. That was also the night that I first got into contact with an FSSP priests who came over the follow day (for a blessing) and who we still see (he even came to bless our home this past Epiphany). The following month, my spiritual director kicked me out of his office and that set into motion us leaving that parish and following the FSSP priest to his (temporary) parish. (side note: everyone who knows the full story has come to the same conclusion of why I was kicked out of my former SD's office on their own but since none of us know for sure, I won't discuss it.) That led to me re-evaluating things, me joining the young adult group I'm in, and has had an overall positive change in both of our (Mom's and my) lives. There was something that seemed to be missing from that puzzle but it took E's question for me to try to figure it out... and I think I have. 

It has dawned on me that I have gotten a much-needed second chance to make things right. I had the same thought when I went to the last doctor's appointment: "you're getting a second chance." See, I had reached a plateau in my spiritual direction before my accident. I felt as if I wasn't getting much out of them anymore. Furthermore, while my SD expressed his justified dissatisfaction with me for missing Mass or my prayer time in order to do coursework on a tight deadline (yeah, that was a massive problem I had when I was in grad school; one of which I have since worked on and fixed), it wasn't the massive ear pulling I needed. I feel like the car accident was that; an ear pulling and a sort of wake-up call that I've belatedly realized.

Yes, it's been almost a year and a half since the car accident. Yes, I've wasted so much time trying to figure things out. However, I'm very grateful to E for having me meditate on all of these things. Remember when I wrote about my body being weak but my heart being on fire? I think part of why I felt that way was because of this revelation. Today's health scare (I thought I was having a heart attack at the grocery store; we guessed that it was a combination of acid reflux and a bad panic attack -- my first in a long time -- that hit at the same time) just drove the point home even more: I have gotten a second chance and I need to make the most of it... which, really, is a wonderful message during Lent.

How many times did saints mess up and, still, they were forgiven, they amended their lives, and are now spending eternity with God in Heaven? God's mercy is greater than our sins... no matter how bad they are. I know (as seen through Scripture) that He wants us to repent and return to Him. Luke 15:11-32, anyone? I was able to fix my terrible priorities (now Mass comes before any exam or coursework I may have that weekend). I think I've figured out the path (for both big and little v vocations) God wants me to take and have made a lot of progress in them. Now to reorder and fix a couple more things in my life, especially when it comes to facing my fears. I've started work on that but it's still going to be a massive uphill battle for me since it's going to mean undoing years of bad habits and negative thoughts. What a better way to spend my Lent (and the weeks leading up to the 100th anniversary of Our Lady of Fatima) than to work on my relationship with God and making the most of my second chance?

Before I end this blog post, I have one more thing to share: in case you're wondering, no Mass again this past weekend. We wanted to try for Saturday but I got sick and then Sunday was a mess as well. That's officially 8 Sundays without Mass (though I have attended Mass at least twice -- during the week -- in the past 8 weeks). Still, I'm going to try again and I'll fight through the lightheadedness and other obstacles to the best of my abilities. We have a plan for this week and the weekend and any prayers you can offer up so that we can get to confession and Mass would be greatly appreciated.

Alright, that's enough for today. I have more to share but they're different topics so I'll just break them into different posts. I'm taking it easy today since I've had a busy couple of days so I may write more blog posts now and schedule for later in the week. I have a big exam this weekend, a research paper due next week, and another huge exam the week after that so I'm going to try to blog when I can and schedule them so that there aren't big gaps in between blog posts. :)

I hope y'all are having a lovely start of the week! :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Missing Mass = Terrible Catholic?

I'm trying to get my mind off of how uncomfortable all the tape from the heart holster feels on my ribcage so... new blog post for y'all! lol.

Another weekend came and went and still no Mass for me.  That makes it 6 weeks in a row, a new record for me. Siiigh. I can't begin to describe how lousy and uncomfortable I feel missing Mass. I didn't feel right yesterday. I drove to our usual grocery store get food a couple of hours before the last Mass but I wasn't feeling that great in that short drive. As soon as it started drizzling again, I knew it wasn't going to happen. I was disappointed in myself and in general. Yes, I know, I have excuses because I've been too lightheaded to drive by myself which puts me and others at risk. Yes, I know two of those weekends were spent in bed. Still, sometimes I feel like I don't try hard enough.

I've had more than one priest tell me that I'm too hard on myself but sometimes I feel like I don't try hard enough. I'm the only one in this household who drives. Our neighbors either don't go to Mass or they go at different times and we can't catch them in time to tag along. Public transportation while lightheaded makes me even more nervous due to past experiences where I've felt like nearly passing out. Taxi and Uber can be costly round-trip. a parish priest at the nearest church has been known to use incense often which isn't bad except the last two times I've felt like I couldn't breathe and got more lightheaded. The majority of other nearby parishes don't have Mass past noon which stinks because sometimes the lightheadedness gets better later in the day. What else am I missing that I can do?

Sometimes I wonder if the lightheadedness is a weak excuse to not drive to Mass. I've been told, more than once, it's dangerous so I tend to not drive when I'm really lightheaded. I know it's caused by the low red blood count (anemia) as well as the low folate level. I can't kneel at Mass for more than a couple of seconds for the same reason (blood doesn't circulate as well as it could). Are these excuses enough? Or am I just using the excuses to not try harder?

I guess I'm wondering about this because the sting of the last confession with my former spiritual director still lingers. Last night I had the thought that perhaps he's right; perhaps I don't have what it takes to be a faithful Catholic. I can't even make it to Mass, how can I call myself a faithful Catholic when I'm missing a huge part of what is required of us? I also thought about how I can keep praying and asking for health issues to get resolved when I can't even go to Mass for God. Am I just a really terrible Catholic? For the record, these thoughts didn't linger but it did plant a seed of uneasy in me.

Anyway, I'm writing this to keep myself accountable. I don't want to make this "No Mass" streak any longer. I have been eating better and taking folic acid more frequently (when I don't forget it... or it gets put away by someone who is not me) so I hope that it'll help with the lightheadedness. If anyone has any tips, please send them my way!

Tomorrow, the 54-day Rosary novena begins. I'm excited about all the people who have signed up to get reminders! Last time we had no more than 5-6 so nearly 20 people (that I know of, anyway) this time around is huge. You can always join in, even if you don't let me know. ;)

Alright, the trick-or-treaters are starting to come out so I'm going to go hide. If there's a Grinch-equivalent for Halloween, I'm totally one. I've never liked Halloween, even as a child. Talk to me about All Saints' Day and All Souls' Day and you'll find yourself an excited camper. ;)

I hope y'all have a lovely, safe night (especially those going out) and had a lovely weekend! :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Emmy: One, Week From Heck: Zero.

I'm okay. I'm alive. I'm (relatively) healthy. I'm still way behind on coursework, especially with everything that's happened lately... but I think I can finish everything (final paper, quizzes, and final exam) on time. I'm sure going to try. I've briefly cried from the stress but that's natural. I've vented to friends. I've prayed. I've come to the conclusion that I'll be okay. Hey, I'm not smiling for no good reason. I don't like showing false emotions that cover my true feelings. Actually, I'm fairly sure I'm incapable of doing it; people have told me that you can figure out what I'm feeling (or thinking, if you really know me) by simply looking at me.

I know some of you were worried about me after reading my blog post from last Tuesday. The feelings lingered through the next day or so but I stopped crying that night. (side note: huge shout out to the friends who either made me laugh or who let me vent it all out that evening.) I'm able to look back at the whole situation this way: I learned a lot from that meeting and for that I'm grateful. Yes, it hurt but good things came out of it. I got my prayer life back on track though it's not where it should be overall. I've been able to put God before everything else, though I'll admit that I still occasionally slip and get caught up in deadlines or lethargic feelings for a little while. Once I realize what I'm doing, I automatically shift my focus back on God. Also, bonus: I've had a couple of people benefit from my experience and it's led them to reevaluate their own prayer lives so it hasn't been all bad. :)

I also came to the conclusion that this was for the best. My former SD is a great priest (who maybe had an off day that day) but, as I was gently reminded by my mother and one of my best friends, I haven't gotten much out of my meetings with him for a while now. My prayer life needs to change. My spiritual growth has outgrown my daily prayer routine. As horrible as it sounds, I've gotten bored with the same routine and thus get caught up in just going through the motions. Maybe I would benefit from another priest's guidance.

I went through a period of confusion regarding everything but I think I've finally gotten clarity... or as much clarity as I can get while going through a rough time.

Despite confusion about whether I should continue with grad school or leave, I've felt peace about staying so I'm going to tough it out. Like I've repeatedly said, I do love my courses and my professors are great... I just got a bit overwhelmed falling behind on everything post-accident. I had to ask for an extension on my first Philosophy paper. I finished my Theology paper 4 hours after it was due because I decided that I would rather turn in the best paper I could instead of turning in something mediocre because I wanted to meet the deadline. I could've done that. I could've finished an hour before it was due... but it wouldn't have been my best work. I didn't even stress out when I couldn't upload my paper at 3 a.m. when I finished the paper and the school's website was down. That is unusual for me. Academic pride won't be a problem anytime soon. lol.

As for the career confusion: I was given many options lately but none that have felt right. Okay, let's put feelings aside: none of which I've discerned to be the right one for me. I've decided to postpone taking on a new job for now. I can afford that luxury -- to focus solely on school for the foreseeable future. If it gets to the point where I need an additional source of income (right now, novel royalties are helping), I'll cross that bridge when I get to it. For now: school is my focus. Whether I'll teach or work elsewhere will remain to be seen. All I can do is prepare myself for the future.

Regarding the topic I rarely write about on the blog or, really, talk about in general: I'm in a good place mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. There's not much I can do but pray for my future fella. I'm enjoying my time as a single lady (mostly because my parents raised a fiercely independent young woman). I've also learned to let go of any fears I might've had regarding my vocation. If anything, everything that I've gone through this year has shown me that I'm not only confident about my vocation but that I'm also ready for whatever God has in store for me. And that's all you'll get from me for a while so enjoy it. lol.

Yes, life has been tough. In the past week I:
- have lost my spiritual director.
- was billed for something my lawyer insisted I get done when my case was open and now refuses to pay for it.
- turned in an assignment late.
- have had my parking spot taken from me by the new building manager despite having it for years and being the oldest tenants.
- was relocated to the alley behind our building, not far from where a neighbor almost got raped a few months ago.
- was told by the manager's assistant that if something happened to me at 4 a.m. when I take my mom to work it wouldn't be "her problem." (The manager has since apologized for the remark).
- have been told by the latest mechanic that he wouldn't fix my car.
- was threatened with having my car towed out of my parking space even though I've been paying for it (included in my rent) if I don't move it out by tomorrow at 5 p.m.
- haven't had a chance to study or even read because I get pulled away to do other things by multiple people (this blog post actually took hours to write due to the same issue) throughout the day. Seriously, I haven't even eaten more than two slices of bread and three tortillas all day and it's now 5:32 p.m.
- and much more that I'm not even publicly sharing.

As I said, I've cried (to release the emotions instead of bottling them up) but that rarely lasts longer than a couple of minutes. I, thankfully, bounce back pretty quickly. I'm okay. I'm still smiling. I'm surprisingly optimistic about everything. My faith is growing stronger as is my trust in God. I keep repeating Psalm 46:1 and Philippians 4:13 (RSVCE) as well as offering everything up for the souls in purgatory. I'm good. Really. I promise. If you have a prayer to spare and want to send it my way, I won't say no. ;)

Anyway, I just wanted to update y'all because I know some of y'all were/are and I haven't really blogged since. I've been so busy dealing with all these crumbs that I haven't had the time. Sorry.

I hope y'all are having a better week than I am (haha!). I will try to write again when I get the bulk of what I have due finished. Commence operation "Little Emmy That Could." ;)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!

Silence and Lent

This conversation just happened about 5 minutes ago:

Me: You know what? I'm going to give up the internet after 8 p.m.;  9 p.m. today because I have a couple of things to finish.
Mom: Are you sure you can go without it?
Me: Yes. I need to for my health.

You know you really do need to disconnect when your mother doubts your success. lol. Add this to things I'm giving up this Lent.

This is my second Lenten post because I just scraped the surface with the previous post. I'm only giving up three things: time on social media, unnecessary spending, and time away from being "plugged in." I am, however, adding things on.

I guess the biggest thing I'm "adding on" classifies as both adding on and giving up and it's one of the biggest things I struggle with: silence. See, I don't like silence all that much. I always have something playing, even if it's a white noise app that plays the sound of rain or a crackling fire while I try to fall asleep. When my father passed away? I turned on music when I got home because music is my safety blanket. Home alone? Music, the white noise app, or the TV is on. Driving? Music is on.

The only time I like silence is when I'm trying to pray because I like to concentrate. Not always; sometimes I need Gregorian Chant or classical music playing if I feel it's too quiet. I'd say about 98% of the time I need it to be completely quiet. My spiritual director always asks me if I've had some time in silence to pray during the month and my answer is always the same: I have prayed... but I've not done any time just sitting in silence.

This Lent I've decided to take less time plugged in and more time in silence, especially whilst praying. This means unplugging and turning off the computer at 8 p.m. and turning the "do not disturb" function on my iPod at 8:30-9 p.m. so I won't get notifications. This means draining my iPod touch battery and charging it in another part of the apartment so I won't be tempted to check it. It means turning off the T.V. by 9 pm (10 pm on Tuesdays because mom and I love watching 19 Kids and Counting). My phone's ringer will stay off.

What am I going to do with my free time? I'm going to pray... read... write (but no novels; personal letters)... sit in silence and see if I can't get a good conversation with God going. I've been praying about several things for many years but I think that my life has always been so noisy that I might've missed the message a long time ago... and am still missing it. We shall see.

As I said, silence and I are not friends so this will be a good test for me. However, I'm not doing it just for myself and to test my willpower; this is something my spiritual director has been trying to get me to do for months and Lent is the perfect time to try. I may fail... but that doesn't mean that I will give up at the first slip up. Practice makes perfect, right?

Alright, well, I took 4 hours to write this blog post because mom and I got sidetracked with something that was way overdue for a couple of hours. Yes, this means that I already failed at unplugged at 8 p.m. (it's 11:11 p.m. right now). I'm still going to use the next hour to pray and enjoy some silence. An hour today is better than nothing.

I hope you all have a successful Lent... and please remember that if you slip up on one of your Lenten goals, you can always start again. This is the perfect time to remember that we all mess up but that we can always try to do the right thing again. :)

That's it for now.

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

The Big "M" Word: Marriage

I want to ask all my fellow single ladies (and you single gentlemen who we've seen talking about marriage on Twitter lately; yes, we've noticed) a couple of very important questions. I know many of us have a desire to marry and have children... but why? Have you really discerned your vocation? Ladies, do you want to get married for the wedding planning and the party part? Do you just think about getting that diamond engagement ring; showing it off to everyone? Do you want to get married solely because you feel unloved and you want to feel loved?

These may seem like harsh questions but I don't think I've ever seen conversations (beyond my own with my best friend and with a good guy friend who is thinking about getting engaged to his girlfriend) or blog posts in which they were asked. I apologize if the questions offend or unsettle you... but I believe these (and others) are important to think about. I've heard of (and have seen young women) who want to get married for the wrong reasons.

Here's my story: when talking about vocations, my spiritual director asked me how I knew I was called to marriage and not to another vocation. I wasn't prepared with a good answer. "I've prayed about it, in front of the tabernacle, and I feel, deep down, that it's my vocation" wasn't good enough. It was all true; I did pray and the desire to get married and have children grew whenever I was in front of the tabernacle. There was no doubt in my mind that that was my vocation. However, I didn't really get deeper than that. For weeks after, I thought about it. I returned to my spiritual director with my answer... which I think (from his expression) surprised him. Again, besides my conversations with my best friend and one of my closest guy friends, I'd never really talked about it but now my SD knows why I'm certain that it's my vocation.

I know you'll all be curious as to know why but it's something that's so personal that I'm not sure I want to share just yet. However, I will share a couple of thoughts. While I felt like it was my vocation, it wasn't until a year ago that I could honestly say that I could see myself getting married. I've always been incredibly independent and I worried that I would never meet a guy who I could see myself growing old with. It was a selfish mentality; I had my goals and I had my responsibilities and I couldn't see myself bringing a guy into the equation. I wasn't ready and I knew that it would be terrible to bring someone else into my life while I was figuring out career and vocation questions. Then I had two big epiphany moments in which I not only realized what I was doing (including trying to suppress feelings I'd had for years, done out of fear) but I also realized that I finally understood why it was my vocation when I accepted those feelings.

I don't want to get married for the party. In fact, I want a church wedding and maybe a small reception for family and closest family friends only. For the record, I have absolutely no pinterest boards for my dream wedding. I will not think about what I want for my wedding until there's a reason for it... and even then I will be focusing on preparing for the Sacrament of Marriage. I just know I want to get married in a church.

I don't want a diamond engagement ring nor will I be shoving my ring finger in people's faces in the future. I think there's a lot of pressure on guys to spend three months' worth of salary on the ring and I think that's ridiculous. Besides, I don't like diamonds anyway. Future fella: don't worry about it. I'd prefer an emerald if you really want me to have a ring with a gemstone on it. lol.

I don't want to get married because I feel unloved. I actually feel like I have a lot of love in my life from family and friends. Most importantly, I feel God's love for me, even when I'm going through something rough and I'm not too happy that my prayers weren't answered in ways I hoped for. There is no greater love than the love God has for us all and you can't replace it with any love you may find on this earth.

It was actually a good friend (who doesn't actually know this... and might put puzzle pieces together if they read this blog post) who unintentionally helped me figure things out. I'll stop there because I'm not comfortable expanding on it just yet. I will say that I constantly pray for my future husband (whoever he may be). I may not know who he is or what he's going through but I know that everyone is need of prayer. He may have temptations, bad habits, family or personal issues, vocation doubts, etc. I don't have to wait to know who is and/or what his story is for me to pray for him.

I'm not saying that I have all the answers or that I'm correct in my thoughts -- though my SD has yet to correct or challenge them. I just wanted to share this because I've seen so many "I just want to get married! I'm tired of being alone!", "I just want children; I wish husbands were optional!", and other similar comments floating around, especially amongst the 25+ set. Take a couple of minutes and think about it; why do you want to get married? Are the words "Sacrament of Marriage" just words to you or do you understand the importance of them? This is my challenge to all of you who I've seen talking (well, tweeting) about the desire to be married.

Alright, I need to get back to studying for my COMD courses and for my first Statistics midterm coming up at the end of next week.

I hope y'all are having a good week thus far. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

7 Quick Takes Vol. 18: Blogging Break, Novenas, and More.

-- 1 --

Sorry for the blogging break. I've been really busy with school (of course) so I don't have a lot of free time. The free time I do have is spent on Twitter because it's easier to catch up with friends individually and I don't spend a whole lot of time on it (unless there's a futbol match). I may take the entire month of July off from blogging because it's my last full month of summer term classes and I have 5 finals to study for before the end of the month. I'm not sure yet... I'll keep y'all posted.

-- 2 --

I've been a novena machine lately. Yesterday was the last day of the Sacred Heart novena and today is the last day of the Undoer of Knots novena I'm doing with a friend. I'm also on Day Three of the Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati novena and today starts the St. Maria Goretti novena. Trust me, people have needed novenas lately and I'm happy to oblige when asked to pray for them.

-- 3 -- 

I had spiritual direction this morning, which was a fantastic start of my day! I'm so sad I woke up too late for Mass but I got up for SD and then I spent some time in front of the tabernacle. I've had a lot to be thankful for lately (even though the past week has been one bad thing after another) so I wanted to spend some time with Jesus.

-- 4 --

School's... there. lol. I didn't do too great on my last Anatomy exam because I literally blanked out on on everything that I had studied. I had transportation issues that morning (I left the house 40 minutes later than I should have... and it wasn't my fault; I was ready at 7:30 am, half an hour before the time scheduled). Traffic was a nightmare and I got to my proctored exam 20 minutes late. I think all of that sort of got to me and I blanked out during the exam, which stinks. Thankfully, I aced the last one and if I can ace the next/last two, I'll be okay in terms of final grade. I just really need to work hard... and possibly do another Holy Spirit novena. lol. Other classes are going great. :D

-- 5 -- 

It seems like almost everyone had a terrible week this past week. I'm not sure why but hugs to everyone. I had a pretty tough last 9 days... well, 8 because today's been pretty good so far. I could say it was novena related but I'm not going to use that excuse. The important thing to remember is that (and I quote Anne Shirley from Anne of Green Gables) "... tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it yet..." Everyone do me a favor and do one simple pleasure, per day, for the rest of the week (Friday through Sunday). If that means taking a nap, eating a bowl of ice cream, watching an episode of your favorite show... whatever it is, do one thing per day. We all deserve it after the week we've had.

-- 6 --

I have a bone to pick with everyone who voted for St. Raphael the Archangel as my patron for the year. lol. It seems I've been in proposal/wedding planning mode (not for me, lol), break-up mode (not for me), and dishing a lot of advice lately. It's kind of odd because I don't have a ton of experience in that area but I still get asked. It's very interesting. I was hoping for more travel this year but I guess this year will be spent trying to help others with their love lives. Thanks, y'all. lol. ;)

-- 7 --

I had the biggest crush on Gene Kelly years ago and this number always makes me smile. I had nothing else to add to these 7 quick takes so here's something that I hope makes some of y'all smile. By the way, did you know Gene Kelly had a fever of 101 while making this scene? Yes, seriously. I try to remind myself of that every time I have a fever. Also, I do not own the video and youtube said the person had a standard license so... do not sue me, people. 

For more Quick Takes, visit Conversion Diary!

That's it for now. I need to go pick mom up from work and then clean my messy room (which is rare for me; I like things clean) before finishing my coursework for the week. Ah, the life of a student.

I hope y'all are doing well!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

What I Learned Wednesday #29: Prayer, Saints, and Love

This has been the most fruitful week of Lent for me... and you will see why.

1) If you've been wondering if my prayer life has gotten better, the answer is "yes"... and "no." I am back on track with both my morning and nighttime prayers, and I'm finding more time to pray for others and not just my own selfish intentions... but I still have a lot of work to do. I have not yet gotten into doing Lectio Divina because I've been either working on the first novel (so many adverbs!) or because I've been trying to cross things off of my "to-do" list. The novenas I've been doing lately are helping me stay more focused on praying though. The St. Padre Pio (yes, I know it's St. Pio but I like using Padre Pio) novena begins today... and I am thinking about starting one to St. Therese as she's been on my mind and heart lately. I hope both will help me make prayer a bigger priority in my life.

2) I've use A Lenten Journey with Jesus Christ and St. Therese of Lisieux by Fr. John F. Russell, O. Carm. book for the past couple of Lents because it packs a lot of punch in just two pages every day. I sent a copy to a good friend who has a newborn because I feel like it's the perfect amount of reading for busy people... yet it doesn't skimp on the message. I feel like I always learn a lot from St. Therese during Lent. She's been my heavenly buddy for years but it's during Lent that she really opens my eyes and my heart to the Lord. I am not sure why this is but I love it. I have been considering doing a new novena to her because I feel like I need one of her roses with an on-going situation. I just need some guidance and she's never let me down before. The last time I asked her for a rose, I got one... on her feast day. :)

3) I know I rarely touch on the topic but I will this one time. I've learned from my Spiritual Director that I'm single because I've chosen it without even thinking about it. See, I've unconsciously closed myself off to possibilities because I've had a fear of not finding the right guy... and thus not trusting God enough in taking care of me in this part of my life and vocation. I didn't even think that the problem was with me until Fr. G made me realize it right before Lent began. After that, and after being asked for advice by others, everything changed for me. The past couple of days have been extra eye opening for me because I feel as though the Holy Spirit has been using those close to me to make me aware of my thoughts and my feelings regarding the subject. It's been very fruitful. And that's all I'm going to say about that. lol.

And these are the three big topics that have been on my mind lately. Gotta love how Lent makes you confront certain hard topics head on. No, really... I actually love it. :D

Anyway, I hope y'all are having a great week thus far. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!

7 Quick Takes Vol. 16: Odds and Ends Edition

-- 1 --

I tried to not eat meat but then I saw how much I weighed today and decided that it was best for my health to not abstain from meat for the remainder of Lent. As most of you know, I've had weight issues due to my stomach problems (which turned into intestinal problems). I was underweight last year and it took me months to gain part of the weight I'd lost. Today I found out I'm on the cusp of being underweight again. Between the PTSD weight loss and the almost two weeks that I didn't eat properly because of the cold and other stomach issues, I lost quite a bit of weight. Because my diet is so restricted, I need the chicken for the nutrients and the calories. I feel bad about eating meat but, you know, I need it. I'll be giving up music and Twitter after I eat chicken (the only meat I can eat) so I'm writing this now. lol.

-- 2 --

As I said yesterday, I'm trying to finish a lot of things that I've started. Today I'm close to finishing two of the items on my list; cleaning out my desk / files and returning snail mail letters I have received over the past couple of weeks. I'm a bit lightheaded right now (raging anxiety and I'm super hungry right now) so I'm taking a break from those things at the moment but I will continue as soon as I feel better. Slow and steady, my friends. I've already made progress on finishing some of the books I've started as well. Phew.

-- 3 -- 

Yesterday's spiritual direction meeting was fantastic for me because it helped remind me of what's important and it helped remind me that I do trust God with my needs. I think that's why, despite the raging anxiety (which started hours before I found out about the weight; not related to stress), I feel a lot more calm about everything else. Instead of freaking out about finances and health, I'm just carrying on like every other day.I know God has my back so I shan't stress. :)

-- 4 --

I received a blessed Miraculous Medal on Wednesday but it kept falling off of my necklace yesterday so I have it pinned under my shirt. I have a feeling the medal itself will give out after just a couple of weeks of months so I'm wondering if any of you have recommendations where I could get a legit sterling silver (I'm not a fan of gold jewelry) Miraculous Medal that will last and won't cost an arm and a leg. Thanks in advance.

-- 5 -- 

In my silliness, I thought of something: is it wrong to have a crush on a saint? I don't have one (I don't think...) but if I did, it would be on Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati. I'm unabashedly a total Bl. PGF fangirl. The thing is that I've seen some young women refer to him as "Frassati the Hottie" and it sort of rubs me the wrong way. Yes, he was quite handsome and his looks were enhanced by his heart and faith, but I don't like the term "Frassati the Hottie." It just feels wrong to me, even a little bit disrespectful. Again, these are just my opinions.

-- 6 --

I doubt he's going to personally read this but can y'all please just say a little prayer for a good friend who is currently deployed? He's been a guest blogger on here and he's had my back for years so, please, pray that he comes home in one piece... and soon! I haven't seen him in a long time and my foot is waiting to get within shin kicking distance once again. ;)

-- 7 --

From the tumblr files: I know some of you have been having really rough times lately so this is for you.

For more Quick Takes, visit Conversion Diary!

This is it for now. I need to go do productive things. I hope you all have a great start of the weekend. If you have any prayer requests, send them my way.

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

What I Learned Wednesday #28: Colds, St. Joseph, and Prayers.

I

My apologies for not blogging. I know I said I was going to blog every day during Lent but I didn't anticipate getting a really nasty cold which I am still trying to shake. I spent most of Friday and all of Saturday and Sunday in bed. I had a low-grade fever all day Saturday so my planned trip to the L.A. Religious Education Congress was nixed (as was the St. Patrick's Day trip to Disneyland, *sniffle*). I'm sorry to all who were planning on the meet up that day.

Also, a massive "thank you" to Dustin and Allicia of The Catholic Lovebirds who sent me a delicious lunch on Sunday. After not eating well for several days, it was a God send. It's good to be reminded that my friends have my back.

Lesson learned: as my mom likes to remind me, "el hombre pone y Dios dispone"... or Proverbs 16:1 if you can't read Spanish.

II

As most of you know (or should know, tsk ;D), it is the feast day of St. Joseph. This day has been huge for me. While I failed to complete the novenas to St. Patrick (on the last day! argh!) and St. Benedict, I managed to get the one for St. Joseph done last night. It was the only one I managed to get through even when I was uber fatigued and was falling asleep while praying... in between sniffles. I also had my first PTSD therapy session (yes, I was re-diagnosed with it after last month's incident) and I received my very first (blessed, no less!) Miraculous Medal in the mail today. Score one for the Em-ster. Yeah, no one call me that. Please. lol.

I've always found St. Joseph intriguing because there's not a whole lot about him in the Bible but the little that we do have speaks volumes about who he was. In fact, I've decided to learn more about St. Joseph during Lent. He was a wonderful adoptive father to Jesus and he's been an excellent one to me as well. I hope that he'll be intercede for me because my intentions (one for a friend and another for myself) are quite large and somewhat complicated. May God's will be done.

Lesson to be learned: Try to learn as much as I can about St. Joseph during Lent.

III

If you're wondering the current state of my prayer life: um, let's just say that I will be uber embarrassed at tomorrow's meeting with my spiritual director. It's not that I didn't try... I just think I didn't try hard enough. I talked about this last week. I was so determined to get my prayer life back on track last week and then... hello, Mr. Nasty Cold who is currently overstaying his visit. I missed morning prayer most of the days that I was sick because I slept through the morning. I would stay up coughing all night that I would get up shortly before noon when I would take a nap. One of the days I missed the entire day of prayer except for the St. Joseph novena -- that was the day of the fever. I know I shouldn't be too hard on myself but I am because I could've done better the days when I wasn't sick.

Lesson learned: procrastination, especially with prayers, stinks. Don't make my mistakes, kids. I'm a terrible example these days. *dramatically* I have failed! lol. Seriously, though, I hope some of you are having more success during Lent than I am. :D

Anyway, that's it for now. I just had a marathon of coughing fits while writing this (and I'm functioning on less than 5 hours of sleep) so please excuse typos and grammatical errors that may have slipped by me. I am trying to get better at fixing those before I hit "publish."

I hope y'all are having a great week thus far!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Fortnight of Murphy's Law (?) and Some Heartache

As you might've noticed, it's been exactly two weeks since I last blogged. No, I didn't plan for the hiatus. In fact, I came up with a number of topics in that time but never seemed to find the time to blog because, as you might've guessed from the post title, I've had a heck of a fortnight. I am not saying that everything that happened were spiritual attacks... but I'm also not saying that they weren't.

The day after my last blog post, I headed to my usual (well, usual up until that Friday) time parked in front of the tabernacle. I'd been doing it for weeks so it wasn't unusual. However, I couldn't get through the Rosary or any prayers. I shook and felt physically ill, which I chalked up to the lack of a proper breakfast since I'd been battling a bit of insomnia the days before. After I left, I felt fine. I've only been back to church once (last week) because every time I've attempted, something happens so that I'm physically unable to even drive to the church. Mostly (as those who follow me on Twitter may have seen) it's been stomach problems that left me feeling terrible and dizzy. Oh, and the last time I went? Anxiety was through the roof and I couldn't even make it through the Rosary (had to do the Chaplet of the Divine Mercy first) because of how bad it was. Of course, when I finished and left, I felt fine. Silly.

How about Mass? Well, I haven't been to Mass (or confession) in two weeks either. The past two Saturdays and Sundays, Murphy's Law has once again set in. Sundays I usually have stomach issues (and dizziness to the point where I couldn't even stand straight last Sunday). It only lasts long enough for me to miss driving to Mass. Last Saturday I was feeling well... but a car hose decided to burst, leaking all the antifreeze and water out of my car. Took the mechanic two hours longer than anticipated to fix it... long enough for me to miss Saturday Vigil Mass.

Spiritual direction? Meeting cancelled last week because my SD ended up having a number of things overlap during the day. That was also the day my mom managed to get off from work early because she had a deep desire to pray in front of the tabernacle while I had my meeting. Yeeeah. Neither of us have managed to pray in a church... yet.

Again, not saying all of these things count as spiritual attacks... but I'm not saying they're not either. It's just curious (let's call it Murphy's Law, shall we?) that all these have happened lately, especially since I have been praying nonstop for two good friends who are discerning the priesthood and one who is discerning religious life. I'm just going to put this meme I found on tumblr here before I continue on:

So, what else has kept me from blogging? Well, I've experienced a good deal of heartache in the past month, but especially in the past two weeks. It doesn't necessarily involve heartache in a romantic sense but definitely in a platonic sense.

Without going into great detail, I've felt greatly disappointed in a friend who I deeply care about. I am using present tense but I don't easily shut off my feelings. Anyway, I actually did the novena of Mary, Undoer of Knots because I had been having a very uneasy feeling about the friendship. Hmm, not sure if uneasy is the right word. I was confused. Yes, that's more accurate. I was confused about the state of our friendship and I wanted clarity so I did the novena. What I didn't anticipate was the friendship completely unraveling.

Again, without going into detail, let's just say that I saw that I was making excuses for how this person had been treating me throughout almost the entirety of our friendship. It was very Jane Bennet of me (as my friends like to say). This person brought out the best in me -- the confidence I needed to be okay with how much I love the faith and the "traditional" aspects of it (i.e. mantillas, Latin Masses, etc) -- but I was being consistently (emotionally) hurt by their actions. The last thing this person did was show me how little respect they have for me as a friend... and I felt a great sense of betrayal that made me say "I'm done." I was blinded before but now I can see things clearly. Now you see why there was confusion on my end? It was a tricky situation.

During my last two confessions, the priests (yes, two different ones) advised me to look closely at my friendships and to distance myself from those that were hurting me. The last two weeks, I haven't had to do much -- my friendships have shown their true colors to me. This friendship that I cherished... well, it needed to end and I needed to see why it needed to end. While I am truly grateful for the wonderful things it brought me, I cannot continue it as it'd become an emotionally taxing roller coaster ride for me.

If these two last weeks of heartbreak have been part of the "Murphy's Law" (or spiritual attacks, if you wish to see them as such) and if they were meant to try to pull me away from God, it did the opposite. Yesterday, I wanted to cry (which, I admit, I'd been doing quite a bit of) but I had an even bigger desire to park myself in front of the tabernacle once again. Instead of it trying to dissuade me from my vocation (because it was somehow tied to it), it didn't sway me to go "well, then, I'll just become a nun or stay single." If anything, it showed me that Mama Mary is looking out for me and that I still felt God's presence. 

Sure, I might not have had the chance to attend Mass or even go pray in a church, but I still pray every day. I don't see what's happened as God not caring for me (though I had a pretty bad night, last week, when I felt almost pushed to believe that not even God cared for me). In fact, I like to believe that while, yes, the heartache stinks, it's all for the best. In the long run this disappointment and these tears will be forgotten and I'll be much happier.

So, there you have it. That's my excuse for not blogging over the past two weeks. I've been wanting to, but things always came up and I spent a good amount of time away from the laptop. Draw your own conclusions whether it was Murphy's Law or spiritual attacks.

I hope to blog more often now that I think (and hope!) I have everything sorted. We shall see. :D

Anyway, I hope y'all have had a great week thus far. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

2013: The Year this Nerd Persevered

I believe this year was the year I persevered. I know we all had a hard year; I've seen so many people celebrating the fact that the secular year is over with because of how exhausting 2013 was. However, despite the challenges, I think I made some really good steps to bettering my future. If last year was the year that I faced my fears and moved on, this was the year that I actually made things happen (as opposed to just hoping I would get the guts to change things) no matter how frightening the changes were.

To change from a career I'd always wanted (writing) to one that I had never even considered took a lot of faith as well as guts. I had some intense months of prayer and spiritual direction in order to get to this place. I was so reluctant to let go of writing (because it was what I wanted) but, being practical, I knew the instability of the career was not good for me. The Holy Spirit used two important people in my life to simultaneously lead me down the Speech-Language Pathology path and, after my SD told me what I needed to hear, I bit the bullet. I applied to only one school (which is the best from what I've heard from former students), was accepted, and now I'm waiting to begin my classes this coming May.

As I am not one to give up on my dreams so easily, I am still writing and have worked on two novels (both of which will be published next year) this year. I have a couple more in mind, which is exciting. How I will do it with SLP (especially since I have to get some hours in in order to start working as an assistant upon graduation), I am not sure... but it's a challenge I am very much looking forward to?

I think the best thing that could've happened to me this year was finally find the right spiritual director for me. Fr. G is a Godsend. I needed someone who pushed me out of my comfort zone and helped (and is still helping) me get out of the spiritual dryness I'd been feeling on and off for a couple of months. He's helped me out so much that I can already see the difference within me... and it's so wonderful. My wish is that everyone finds someone like him (someone who will inspire you to be your best and to get closer to God) for themselves.

One last (big) thing: Y'all know I started the year really sick. I got so sick (and so thin) that I received the Anointing of the Sick in May. It got quite scary for a while but I never let go of my faith nor of God and He saw me through. I'm still in recovery but I am in a better place than I was before. I think that that pretty much sums my year.

I was thrown so many obstacles this year (change of career, health issues, figuring out my vocation, financial, etc.) but I never let go of God. He was truly my rock this year. He's always been my rock but I can't begin to express how grateful I am to Him for His constant presence in my life. Looking back, I can't remember the last time I truly felt that He gave me the tools I needed to overcome everything that could've potentially (figuratively) drowned me. Though there were a few weeks when I didn't feel close to Him, I know He never left my side.

I've said this all year but I truly feel like God used this year to show me that I am ready for whatever new chapter 2014 will bring me. I got the courage to face a lot of things that I was afraid of. I've had so many people tell me that I couldn't do things over the years that I was afraid to try them. This year, that all changed... and I am so glad that I was able to show myself that I could do them. With every little thing that I conquered, my confidence grew as did my love for God, Mama Mary (wow, what a year for my relationship with her; I love her more than words can express), and for my heavenly buddies who helped me get to where I am.

Yes, 2013 was incredibly difficult but I was blessed in so many ways that the good greatly outweighed the bad. I cannot wait to see what God has in store for me in 2014. I can already feel like it's going to be a big year for me... and not just because I'll be entering the last year of my 20s halfway through the year.

Anyway, that was my year. I want to thank y'all for sharing it with me. Thank you for your prayer, your support, and the love y'all have shown me. Yes, I'm getting a bit sappy but y'all know I'm like that. lol.

I hope you all have a wonderful 2014. I can't wait to see what new adventures God has in store for us. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

7 Quick Takes Vol. 8: Life Happens Edition

-- 1 --

Yes, I know... I dropped the ball for this week's What I Learned Wednesday post but it was for a good reason. I received my student number earlier in the week (officially an Aggie!) and I had to do my student orientation stuff online since I obviously don't live in Utah and can't go on campus easily. It definitely took much longer than anticipated so I spent my evening doing that. As for earlier in the week and day, I've been busy so I didn't get a chance. I may just write future posts ahead of time (when I have free time) so that I quit missing them.

-- 2 --

I found out that I have the option to attend graduation after I finish my post-BA/pre-MS program because I am technically getting a second Bachelor's (Bachelor of Science this time) degree. I am entertaining the idea but that is way in the future (at least a year and a half from now) so I still have time to decide. Still, it's so lovely of them to include us Distance Education students in the graduation ceremonies. I may just stay on for their grad program... which would mean moving to Utah for at least two years. We'll see.

-- 3 --

I had my spiritual direction meeting yesterday and it was all kinds of awesome. I need a major overhaul in my prayer life so these meetings are definitely necessary. It was also decided that I need to re-discern my vocation. I still believe that I am called to marriage (you know, when Prince Charming decides to stop for directions so he can get here. Men... :-P) but I want to be sure that I've properly discerned my vocation before I move forward.

-- 4 -- 

And while I'm on the topic of marriage: no, the Pinterest board I created (which I named "Going to the Chapel") is not for my wedding plans. I know some of you congratulated me on Twitter but I can assure you that I do not have any thoughts of matrimony at the present. The board was created to help plan the wedding of two other people, neither of who are me. I am not going to try to plan anything for myself until there's been a proposal. Capisce? lol.

-- 5 -- 

NaNoWriMo is starting in exactly one week from today... which means I'm going to be busier than usual. I have a ton of research to do this week in preparation for it, too. I want to write the entire sequel to Will and Lina (which is the current title to my first completed novel) during NaNo so that readers won't hate me too much for how the first novel ended. And that's all I'm saying so there's no spoilers. lol.

-- 6 -- 

I have been really missing some of my friends lately. Many of them I lost touch with when I deactivated my Facebook account because it's how they primarily keep in touch with everyone else. I've also been missing friends that have gone missing on Twitter. It's just a crummy "Emmy misses her friends" week for me. I need a hug in a cup (tea), a PB&J sandwich, and a hug. Stat!

-- 7 --

I've been encourage to either start podcasting or to prepare myself to start public speaking as part of my ministry (which I had no idea was a ministry? lol). I am not sure whether I have the time/energy to do it with everything else that I have going on but I may try it in the near future, before the SLP program takes over my life and after NaNo lets me breathe. lol.

For more Quick Takes, visit Conversion Diary!

And that's it for now. See? I can do quick takes properly. lol.

I hope y'all had a great week and have a fab weekend. ;)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless. :D

7 Quick Takes Vol. 6: Happiness Is... Edition

-- 1 --

Happiness is... my spiritual direction meeting going well. Yesterday's meeting made me feel better about the decisions I have made regarding my career path and vocation. I was able to work through some things that were stopping me before and now I'm at peace with my decisions. The feeling of tranquility is a welcome change after three previous of stress and crying jags.

-- 2 --

Happiness is... choosing to do Speech-Language Pathology for the right reasons. I was worried that I would be choosing this path for the wrong reasons but, ultimately, I remembered why I wanted to choose this new path. Once my career in the field is established, I will go after the Master's in Theology. Like (new mama) Julie and my spiritual director said, I am young enough to still do both. And, as my SD jokingly said, I don't look old enough to teach Theology just yet. lol.

-- 3 --

Happiness is... feeling reassured that my initial discernment of being called to be a wife and mother some day seems to be the right one. I figured out what was stopping me from really getting out there and start dating again. Simply put, I got too comfortable being single. Y'all know that I don't like blogging about this part of my life but I will make a quick exception this time. I purposely took myself out of the "dating market" because my focus for a long time was on helping others and not so much on doing things for myself. Lately I've been feeling like it's time to go forward in that area. And that's all you're getting. ;)

-- 4 --

Happiness is... having fun freelance writing assignments this week. Though I had more work than usual, the assignments were quite short and easy to write so I had a lot of free time on my hands. This normally doesn't happen. I'm usually either swamped with work or I have no work at all. I like the balance I had this week and hope that it continues.

-- 5 -- 

Happiness is not... realizing that the Year of Faith is almost done and I am way behind on my Catechism reading. The project of reading the entire Catechism in a single year was going well until they pulled the plug for legal reasons and had to start using the YouCat version. I personally don't like the YouCat version too much so I'm trying to go through with the original plan. I'll get there. My goal for October is to finish reading it before the month ends.

-- 6 --

Happiness is not... having insomnia for the past week. I honestly don't know why I can't fall asleep early. I don't think I've ever had this problem either. The only day I was zonked out before midnight was on the night that baby Grace (Julie's cutie pie daughter) was born. I ended up missing the text when she was born because I was so exhausted that night. Of course. Besides that one good day, I've struggled to fall asleep before 1:30 a.m., despite still having the 4:30 a.m. wake up time. I even struggle to nap before 5:30 a.m., which is just weird for me. No me gusta.

-- 7 --

Happiness is... getting a ton of snail mail from friends. Y'all know how to make a girl happy. Kendra's little guy, Henry, even sent artwork he made for me. I posted the picture up on Twitter and my Instagram if anyone wants to see his mad art skills. Oh, and P.S., if any guy ever wants to woo me, this is how to do it. I'm a sucker for a well written letter.

For more Quick Takes, visit Conversion Diary!

And now I'm off to finish my last writing assignment for the week. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Discernment Mambo: Indecision

As I mentioned a few weeks ago, I am currently discerning both my career and vocation once again. When I think I have it all figured out, something happens and I end up rethinking my decisions. It's a vicious, never ending cycle (thinking, rethinking, doubting decisions, more thinking) that happens every time I make a big decision. It's who I am but thankfully I am not doing it on my own this time around.

I have been thinking about the career part more than the vocation part because the applications for grad school will go up in a few weeks and I want to apply early. It's a huge decision for me -- whether I will get my Master of Arts in Theology or a Master of Science in Speech-Language Pathology -- and I am not going to leave any question unanswered. It's not easy, as no big decisions are. Some days I think that doing something like Youth Ministry or working for a parish would be best for me but, in all honesty, most days I think that being a Speech Therapist would be best for me. I have to take into consideration what will both utilize the gifts God gave me as well as what would fulfill His will for me.

I think that I might be dismissing an MA in Theology because of how much I hated my experience as a Religious Studies undergrad. I don't have to tell most of you; a good number of you have been reading this blog for a long time and/or at least know that I attended a "CINO" (Catholic in Name Only) college in which they taught liberation theology, ragged on then Pope (Emeritus) Benedict XVI, and made my life miserable for being the "tradition" (read: orthodox) student who made them uncomfortable with my unwillingness to be swayed to their side of thinking... and for speaking up (when I got the chance) on my beliefs. It sort of ruined it for me. I know all schools aren't like that but it was hard for me. I used to cry when I was at home because of how I was treated and because of the atrocities I heard during lectures. I even cried during lectures. That bad.

At the same time, I am not the same girl I was when I decided to get my BA in Religious Studies. I wanted to get it because I didn't know much about my faith and I wanted to share everything I learned with others, especially the young (though older people were the ones with whom I usually had these conversations with). I've seen that I don't need to be in a parish or a Catholic school (though I wouldn't be opposed to it) to always do God's will and/or evangelize.

I've been thinking of what I can do with an SLP M.Sc. My mom's doctor told me (when I mentioned it to her) that she thought it was an excellent decision for me and that I could use it to "continue (my) ministry." I wasn't sure how she meant that so I started thinking about it. Maybe, if I work hard and get the opportunity, I can afford to offer free SLP services to those who can't afford it but need it, especially the poor that go to parishes to ask for help. Maybe I can use my degree to help priest, religious brothers, and religious sisters who have had strokes with their speech therapies. I wouldn't charge them for it; it would be my way of giving back and thanking them for all they've done for us and for God. There are possibilities for me to be able to give back if I choose that career path.

The thing is that I am not sure what God wants me to do... and that's what my spiritual director is trying to help me figure out. Since novenas and prayers were helping but not getting me too far, he suggested to try the Ignatian discernment process. It's been slow but I am getting somewhere. I've been praying both the Little Office and the Liturgy of the Hours to help give me peace and de-stress and it has also been helping. Still, it will be an interesting and difficult couple of weeks (and months, since I still have my vocation -- married vs single life -- to discern again) so if y'all can spare a prayer for me at some point, I'd greatly appreciate it.

Anyway, this has been on my mind lately (and especially today) so I thought I'd write it all out and share. :)

And now, I should go try to get through the library books that are due this week. :)

I hope y'all had a great weekend and have a wonderful week. :)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless. :D

Spiritual Direction, Growth, and Novenas

People complain (with good reason, btw) about misleading blog and article titles so I thought it would be good to let y'all know exactly what will be in this blog post. No surprises, promise. ;)

Last Thursday I had my first proper spiritual direction meeting in (I kid you not) 5 years. It took a while to find a good priest with whom I could talk openly without feeling self-conscience. For the record, I was open to other spiritual directors but it just happened that the one I found is an awesome priest. :D Anyway, it was much needed. I've been feeling stuck in my spiritual life and I needed someone to talk to about it. Of course, I can't say what I talked to him about but I definitely got a chance to work out some things that I was struggling with.

While I know my vocation and I feel at peace with the change of career, there are still things that I need help figuring out. While I wait to fulfill my vocation as wife and mother I have to take care of myself; not just physically but mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I need to work on having a better relationship with God before I can do anything else. I will never stop growing in my relationship with the Lord and I occasionally need to change things, like my prayer life, in order to be able to continue to keep growing. The things that worked for me in my early to mid 20s were great because they helped me in my reversion back to the faith... but I feel like I'm ready for the next step. I reverted to the Faith seven years ago this month (this week, I think). I've learned a lot and I still learn something new every day. (Side note: I should really try harder to keep up my What I Learned Wednesday posts since I am still learned... and everyone seems to have either forgotten that we're in the Year of Faith or the enthusiasm for it has died down since it's not the "new" ("shiny") thing for us.) I will, of course, share the journey with y'all but it may be slow. I can't expect things to change overnight.

One thing I will share with y'all is something I learned (or, I should say, I was reminded of) over the weekend. Seeing Channing deactivate her Twitter and Facebook accounts (as she is entering Carmel soon; listen to her vocation journey here) and remembering that Pope Francis didn't want to be Pope reminds me that God's will for us is greater and better than what we have planned for ourselves. We get so wrapped up in our own problems (i.e. I get stressed out over my stomach problems and my mom's gradual loss of memory) and other things that we fail to remember that we owe it to God and ourselves to let things go, to trust Him, and to try to do His will. As I told my spiritual director, I do trust God but my PTSD and anxiety occasionally has me wanting to have some control instead of letting go completely. It's something I have to work on because I know He will take care of me. If I suffer, oh well, I will learn and use it to grow closer to Him. I need to get out of the "me, me, me" mentality and focus on Him. I am starting to sound redundant so I'll stop here. ;)

Anyway, I am going to try to live up to my "novena machine" nickname (y'all would be surprised how many people and how often I get asked to do novenas -- which I love to do! Seriously, load me up!). I won't be posting this week's WILW post because I don't want double posts during the Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati novena that begins tomorrow.

A few friends on Twitter already signed up for it so I want to keep the posts consistent so that no one misses a day. If you want to join in, let me know. If you want a daily reminder on Twitter or the blog's FB page and I'll gladly remind you. :D

And now I should really get going because I have tutoring to do in about half an hour and I want to prepare since it's the first session with the new student. :)

I hope you all had a great weekend (and didn't fail to go to Mass like I did - long story that involved anxiety, lightheaded/weakness, and stomach problems keeping me home). Don't forget to check out my twitter or this blog daily for the day's Bl. Pier Giorgio novena prayers (scheduled to go up at 8 a.m. PST).

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D