Dear God, Please Help Me... I'm Drowning.

Dear God,

Please help me... I'm drowning.

I've overwhelmed with school. No matter how many days and hours I study, no matter how well I prepare, I come up short. Sometimes it's because so many things come up at once -- things out of m control -- that I don't have enough time to study. Sometimes it's because my mental fog is so intense that I can't remember what I've studied. It will take a miracle for me to pass two of my classes at this point in time.

I feel restless and stuck...

I'm impatient and angry...

I'm weak and in desperate need of help that I don't see coming my way...

I trust in You but some days it's hard to feel that way when I have so many other things going wrong. On Monday I even wondered if my faith was strong enough to withstand everything that's been thrown my way this month. I know that's a rash thing to think in a moment of weakness but I don't think I ever felt as low as I did at that moment.

It's not that I don't trust You; it's that my human emotions can overwhelm me. It's my sensitive nature; it's what I've been fighting to overcome in recent months... and it's a Rosary novena intention I've been praying for the past 22 days. Thankfully, I know the moments will pass. I know that once I get it out of my system and cry to release those emotions, I will realize that I do trust You. I'm just a weak human being.

I know that in my weakness You make me strong. I know that in the darkness, You are there with me. I know that even when I feel unworthy and undeserving of Your love, You still love me.

I have no doubt that You put the verse Matthew 6:25 into my mind when I spent some time in front of the tabernacle, praying and sitting in silence. I was praying the Chaplet of Divine Mercy -- during that 3 o'clock hour -- and the phrase "Matthew 6:25" popped into my head as clear as day. I couldn't remember what verse that was so I looked it up...

"Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life..."

I got the message loud and clear... but I still need help because I still have moments where I feel like I'm drowning... and there's no one else to help me.

Your will be done. I say it every time I get overwhelmed with school. I repeat it to myself every time I feel like quitting (especially after yet another academic set back) but I continue listening to the lecture videos and/or doing the assigned work because I feel like it's Your will and there's nothing more that I want than to do just that; do Your will, not mine.

On this day, the 19th anniversary of my confirmation, I ask for one gift from You: to send me help.

Whether it be in the form of a peer support system...

Whether it be in the form of charitable prayers from those who feel moved to say a prayer for me...

Whether it be from a priest or someone who can help guide me and help me regain my spiritual health...

Whether it be an inner peace that can only come from You, I ask for a little help.

I want a little fresh air to fill my lungs after feeling like I've been underwater for so long.

I know You will hear my plea and that, in Your mercy, You will do what I need. I will keep my eyes and my heart open for that moment.

The Breakdown That Led to a Breakthrough

This is the first of a (planned) three-part series that I hope to post over the course of the next week.

September 28, 2017. That's the day I had my first school-related breakdown this semester. Say it with me, "Well, that was fast!" It took exactly one month before I felt so stressed and overwhelmed that I broke down in tears. I cried because I hated how I felt: yes, stressed and overwhelmed, but also forced and trapped to finish the academic program I'm currently in. I tried not to question things -- to not dwell on the feelings -- but it was hard. I placed my forehead on my laptop (on my desk) and I cried.

Almost immediately, Our Blessed Mother popped into my mind. I imagined that she was there, being there for me during that emotionally draining time. I somehow started imagining Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati (my chosen patron for this degree) kneeling down next to me, on my right, with an expression on his face that was trying to comfort me; as if he was telling me that everything was going to be alright. Then I thought about my Guardian Angel, also beside me, bringing comfort.

Somehow, the images of Mama Mary, Bl. PGF, and my Guardian Angel (thank you, healthy imagination God has blessed me with) gave me the strength and courage to push through the rest of the lecture videos -- 2+ hours worth of videos -- that I was trying to finish when the breakdown happened. I no longer felt overwhelmed. Instead, I felt a peace and consolation I could've even imagine when the tears began. Furthermore, I felt (deep down) that this was truly the path God wanted me to take. I let that peace and consolation wash over me as I kept repeating, "This is what God wants me to do. I can do this."

A quote by St. John Bosco popped up one of my social media feeds during this time, "When tempted, invoke your Angel. He is more eager to help you than you are to be helped! Ignore the devil don't be afraid of him; he trembles and flees at the sight of your Guardian Angel." With the feast of the Archangels coming up the following day, I felt like God was telling me what to do in situations like that -- feeling overwhelmed and stuck doing something I didn't want to do even if I knew it needed to be done.

That breakdown was what led to the breakthrough that has led me on my current path. As I said in the beginning of this post, this is the first part of a three-part series so all I'm going to focus on in this post is the fact that it took me breaking down to realize that I was probably doing the right thing... and gave me the courage to push forward.

I've somehow managed to gain the motivation to do well and work through all the academic obstacles that have come my way. As I shared in a previous post, schoolwork had always been easy for me... to the point where my pride and vanity were greatly affected by it. Having to repeat a class for a third time, not having things come as easily for me, dealing with random health issues (stomach problems, fatigue, physical pain, etc) while trying to study and/or do exams -- all of these things were beating me down in the first month of the semester.

I wasn't doing well on my exams because of the intense mental fog I've experienced on and off (mostly on, on a daily basis) wasn't helping. I would study for hours on end and yet I couldn't remember what I was studying. My highest grade in an exam (in my classes) has been a 78% up until now. It's hard. It discourages me.

I was studying for two back-to-back exams when I had my breakdown so I understand why I was feeling the way I was feeling... yet God reminded me that this is part of His plans for me (or so I'm interpreting it this way after receiving signs over this summer). I remind myself that God will give me the fortitude and graces to continue because I am doing His will. If He wants me to do something else, I know He will make it known to me. For now, I have to keep reapplying the war paint and keep moving forward, even when I feel like I did on September 28. Thankfully, now I know that I have some amazing Heavenly allies who will intercede for me during my darkest moments.

Anyway, that's it for now. I hope to have parts 2 and 3 posted between Monday and Friday of next week. I have to figure out when I can write and post (or possibly schedule) them. I will give two hints: St. Therese for part 2 and social media for part 3. :)

I hope you all had a lovely weekend and are currently enjoying your weekend!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

(Foot-Tapping) I'm Not Impatient

(Note: this post is a continuation of yesterday's blog post.)

I'll admit normally a bit impatient when it comes to my health, financial, and academic/career issues. I'm patient with everyone else and their problems but I fail to do the same for me. Lately, I've been trying to practice more patience in all areas of my life, especially when it comes to taking care of myself. If I feel run down, I rest. If I feel sleepy, I nap. If I feel hungry (and it's close to lunch or dinner), I snack lightly. If I feel overwhelmed by something, I try to remind myself that it's not as important as I'm making it out to be. If I feel rushed/pressured to make a decision quickly, I remind myself that I'd rather take my time and "be late to the party" than do something that may be the opposite of what God wants for me. This last one has been the biggest temptation/struggle for me lately.

I like to have my ducks in a row. I like to have a clear path on how I'm supposed to move forward. I intensely dislike being stagnant. I like to have some sense of what the near future is holding for me. After I decided to take a break from studies (and I asked for an academic leave of absence instead of withdrawing completely), I immediately wanted to figure out what God wanted me to do. I drove myself a little crazy that first week because I wanted to figure things out ASAP. I was tempted to do a Holy Spirit novena right away but I held off until I felt it was the right time. Instead of jumping in, I took the first two weeks off and tried to relax. Tried is the key word. Not doing anything goes against my "need" to keep busy because I get bored easily. Still, I knew I needed the break and I tried not to feel guilty about not doing much.

I've looked into jobs to pay off my student loans. I've looked into other careers that I could do without an additional degree. I looked into shifting my focus back on my writing career. Along the way, none of those options have seemed like something I needed to explore. My focus had to be refocused once more on my health; on eating and sleeping well. I had to exercise a ton of patience with myself and, really, with God.

For about the past month or two, I've had no clarity on what God wants me to do. I've had zero plans for my life. I've been trying to go with the flow because I've learned that sometimes what we need is to have a lot of patience and a lot of trust. I was hit with a bit of depression earlier this month (though that's felt more like a spiritual attack than anything else) but I've still tried to keep myself focused on what I've felt God wants from me -- to take care of myself so that I can be ready for whatever is next in my life.

How is this tied to yesterday's good news? I've had to wait years to get good news about my health; 4-5 years to be exact. I've gotten so impatient at times -- especially when this particular cross has seemed too heavy for me to continue carrying it -- but I've kept praying and I've kept my sad attempts at trusting God always on my mind. Even Monday's hematology appointment had me exercising patience; they didn't call me into a room to get my results until an hour after my appointment time and then I had to wait another half an hour to get my hospital discharge papers after the doctor has seen me. I had waited years to get a hematology appointment. The hematologist kept cancelling my appointments until two doctors teamed up and pressured him into giving me the appointment. I waited months to get updated blood work results. I waited years to get my iron levels to where they are. A lot of waiting... and a lot of patience required.

Right now, I'm trying to figure out what God wants for me in the next couple of months. I've decided to take a break this summer since I haven't had a proper break from school for a couple of years. I will still work on the third novel and the memoir (when the woman whose life story I'm ghostwriting has the time to give me more material) to occupy my time and mind if only because I know that too much free time on my hands tends to get me into a lot of trouble.

There are some things that have come up as things I can potentially do this autumn that I'm discerning through a novena to the Holy Spirit (I'm on day 6 today). I will also soon read a book on the discernment of spirits to try to figure things out while I wait to find a spiritual director. I'm trying to take things slow and no jump into action without proper discernment. It goes against my natural impulse to get things done -- and get them sorted quickly -- but I know it's for the best to keep doing this.

Anyway, just wanted to share this because I know some of you may be in similar boats -- whether it's trying to figure out academic, health, financial, and/or relationship/vocation issues. I know it's so much easier to say "have patience" than to do it but it's better than driving yourself crazy and/or doing something you later regret. Having to wait stinks and it can seem like a waste of time. It's one of the hardest things to do in this world. I've done a number of things out of impatient impulse and I've suffered the consequences; I learned the hard way. Don't be an impulsive, impatient Emmy. ;)

Alright, I need to skedaddle. I have a couple of library books that I've been neglecting and I want to get them done before they're due. :)

I hope y'all are having a lovely week thus far! :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

I Have NO Clarity Regarding God's Will For Me

After receiving a poor grade on an assignment I worked hard on over the weekend, I felt dejected. I worked incredibly hard on the paper. I read it and reread it. Edited it and re-edited it. Still, this particular professor (or the TA that nitpicked my paper) thought it was basically poor work. I've had problems with this professor in the past -- my academic adviser and the department chair even got involved the first semester I took him and they took my side in the situation -- but I still pray for him and I still try to look for the good in him. He does missionary work and helps children in third world countries that have speech problems. He does good work and I'm glad he shares what he learns from those trips with us... even if my pride takes a massive hit when things like this grade happen.

I'd be lying if I said the thought "why continue if I'm just going to keep hitting these roadblocks?" didn't pop into my mind. This degree has been incredibly hard to finish. It's not just me; it seems like many (possibly most) of those who go through the program repeat at least one course at some point and some decide to leave the program altogether. For another class, a classmate messaged everyone who is retaking the course for the second time and some have said that they may have to repeat the course again.

The joke that SLP students are on anti-anxiety medication exists for a reason, folks. This is a tough and demanding program and field. Those of you who haven't been reading this blog long enough may not know that this is my second round trying to finish this program/degree. I had to quit and leave the program/school nearly 2.5 years ago when I worked myself so hard to do well that I ended up getting sick... and I've yet to fully recover from it.

I keep wondering if I can keep going if I'm feeling fed up with it all because I am. I want to cry, I'm so overwhelmed. Not so much with the coursework; I've, thankfully, been able to resubmit most of the work I did last semester in order to save time. I've also done much better on the exams this time around. Still, I just feel pushed and forced into this path for financial reasons and that makes me a little depressed.

After tearing up and lamenting my grade, the Holy Spirit must've inspired me to think about the great professors and support system I have because I ended up crying again (this time, happy tears) as I reminisced and felt the love and support of former teachers and professors. I can still remember which teachers always encouraged me.

My second and third-grade teacher (she taught both grades) knew I wanted to be a lawyer (back then) and she told my parents -- in front of me, at an open house -- that she thought I could do it.

My fifth-grade teacher was the biggest academic cheerleader, telling me I had the brains to do whatever I wanted to do in life.

My sixth-grade math/science and English/history teachers gave me a "busy bee" award ("always working. always reading") and encouraged my love of books.

My seventh-grade science teacher defended me when I was badly bullied (long story) and encouraged me to keep going forward despite what the "crackheads" (he seriously called them that) were saying and doing to me.

My wonderful teachers when I transferred from regular high school to independent study through a charter school cheered me on, even when times were hard. My dad had been diagnosed with cancer when I was a junior in HS and had his surgery and chemotherapy before graduation. Through their support, I was able to finish half of my junior year and my entire senior year in a single semester and they even chose me to give the valedictorian-type speech at the graduation ceremony.

Mr. H (English professor whom I wrote about last month) and Mr. G (math professor) at Santa Monica College became my first academic cheerleaders in college.

At Pierce College, Dr. B (British Lit professor who became the inspiration for Prof. Normandy in the first Will and Lina novel) encouraged me to apply to Oxford University to transfer and Prof. W (academic counselor; professor) was the first professor to ever point out my writing abilities before I had even entertained the idea of writing as a career.

Ms. Lewis (from my alma mater; may she rest in peace) wasn't a professor but a counselor who was my only ally at my alma mater. I don't think I would've survived that horrible experience without her.

Dr. K at JP Catholic was incredibly encouraging during my brief stint as a graduate student. He knew about my accident and he was encouraging about my work, giving me the first (and only) A in grad school. (side note: shout out to Dr. K who had us read the Summa and got me on board the St. Thomas Aquinas fan club).

I'm not even counting my family and friends who know me and love me despite any academic hiccups I have along the way.

Recently one of my best friends posed a question no one had before: what if I didn't finish this degree? What's the worst that could happen? I had to stop and think about it. Worst case scenario: debt-city, baby. I have nearly $50k in student loans from 1 finished degree (which I've almost paid off completely) and 2 degrees I've started but haven't finished (MA in Theology; BS in Communicative Disorders). Finding a job that I can do with my (current) physical ailments and with a BA in Religious Studies (without teaching credentials) is near impossible, folks.

I talk about trusting God and yet I still tried to control my financial stability by picking career/degree that would help provide financial stability (this one). I've also tried to do a degree that didn't offer any stability but that I loved and then had to leave because my GPA dipped slightly under a 3.0 (2.94; seriously) following my car accident, thus making me ineligible to receive financial aid. I'm technically a student at FUS (I never declined their offer of admission) so I could finish my Master's degree but I think, if I end up having to leave this degree, I'm done with academia. I'm burnt out. I'll look for a job and let God take the reins though it's been hard since I graduated 5 years ago.

I close my eyes and imagine myself taking my academic/career issues and my health issues (particularly the pancytopenia which has been the most physically debilitating), kneeling down at the foot of the Cross, looking up at our crucified Lord and saying "these are my crosses and I don't know what to do. Please give me clarity as to how to carry them if it is Your will that I do so. If any of these things are not in Your plans for me, please make it clear so that I can leave them here, with You, and focus solely on what You want me to do."

So there's where I am. As I wrote a couple of blog posts ago, I had a feeling this was a possible outcome for me; that I wouldn't finish this program or not use this degree despite all the hard work I've put in. I'm still going to try very hard to do well on my finals and see what happens (though it will take a miracle to pass both classes at this point) and leave the rest up to God. I will work hard and do my best on my end but if things don't work out, He knows why.

I must trust in Him. I DO trust in Him. I just wish God would make His plans for me much clearer so I can do just them. I'm not afraid of the possibly of His calling me back to finish my Theology MA. I'm not afraid of the possibility of not finishing either degree. I'm not afraid taking on a job that would pay very little (enough just for the necessities of life). I just want to do His will.

See what the 30-day St. Joseph novena does to a gal? lol. 13 more days to go. Clarity, St. Joseph. That's all I want; I just want/need some clarity. In most areas of my life but particularly the career and academic area for now. I don't want to act on feelings because those can fool you so I'm going to finish this novena and pray for that clarity I so much desire.

Anyway, that's it for now. I've had this blog post idea (and most of it written out), sitting in my inbox for a couple of days and since I'm taking a tiny break from studying for my first final exam (which I hope to take between this coming Wednesday and Saturday), I thought I'd post it.

I hope you all have a lovely Divine Mercy Sunday and a great start of the week. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Health and Technology Lenten Experiment: The Results

Sorry for the gap in between posts. Finals week begins next week so I finished the last of my lecture videos between Tuesday and yesterday. I'm going to try to do both of my finals next week as opposed to next week and the week after that so that I can have a week-long break in between the Spring and Summer semester instead of just a weekend. I'll finish my flash cards later today. I wanted to blog (and clear my mind of the academic stress) for a little bit so here I am, writing a new one. :)

The last blog post -- on why I hate social media -- had interesting reactions, mostly positive. Apparently, I'm not alone in the "social media is wearing me down" boat and some are thinking about deleting their Twitter accounts as well. For those you contemplating it, I'd suggest doing it in baby steps, especially if you're very addicted to social media. Quitting cold turkey isn't easy for many people. And, actually, this serves as a nice little segway into today's post on a Lenten experiment that came as a result of eschewing social media.

In order to help me avoid social media, I had to limit my use of technology in the form of my laptop, my phone, and iPod touch. Yes, I use all three for different things. My laptop is used for things like schoolwork, writing, blogging, and other things that require a larger keyboard and/or use of a wireless mouse. My phone is used for texts, calls, Spotify (when I'm driving), and the occasional website search or app use when I'm not home or can't use my iPod touch (which relies on home WiFi); Google Maps FTW! I don't watch TV often and I rarely stream movies (I don't have Netflix and I rarely use Amazon Prime Video which is included with our Amazon Prime membership) so the Roku on the TV stays unplugged for most of the day and can even go days without being plugged in. I do read a lot, and I've been using my Kindle more often, but I disable the WiFi on it and only turn it on when my borrowed (library) eBooks need to be downloaded onto it.

I use the iPod touch much more than I do any other device. I use it for apps like the app for members and friends of the local FSSP church (or, I should say, the one we're hoping to establish soon; please donate if you can!), Rain Rain (which I use when I need light background noise to fall asleep or relax), Goodreads, iPieta, EWTN, Overdrive (for the audiobooks I borrow from the library), Kindara (great for you ladies), Wunderlist (where I keep my daily schedule/to-do list, though this will change since Microsoft is axing the app later this year), and Scrobbler (where I keep track of what music I listen to... and how much of it). I deleted the Instagram app before Lent began and I haven't used the Facebook nor Twitter apps since last Lent (2016).

As you can see, I'm pretty plugged in even if a majority of these apps are used once or twice a day (or less). I'm not even counting the FitBit app and other apps I deleted during the Lenten season (more on this in a moment) or else, well, you get the picture; I'm very dependent on technology. After reading Irresistible: The Rise of Addictive Technology and the Business of Keeping Us Hooked by Adam Alter (which I briefly mentioned in the last post), I decided to challenge myself to limit my use of technology. It was probably one of the best decisions I've made in a long time.

I started off by doing my research paper the old-fashioned way: writing my paper using mostly books from the library and a notebook and pen. Yes, I did request the library books using the LAPL (Los Angeles Public Library) website before I picked them up but I used the physical books as soon as I had them. Yes, I did have to use my school's database to look up peer-review articles and journals on my topic (stuttering in the pediatric population) but I downloaded the .pdf files so I wouldn't have to use WiFi and/or would be able to print them out so I wouldn't use the laptop often. Yes, I had to type up my paper on Word since my professor insisted on it being a .doc/.docx file but it was first written out on paper using a pen. Lots and lots of paper, ink, and hand cramps because I'm used to typing more than I am used to manually writing things out (letters to friends excluded from this statement). I was able to finish the paper in record time and had amazing concentration during it. 

I then deleted all the apps that I realized were designed to keep me plugged in (thanks for making me realize this, Mr. Alter). I deleted apps like FitBit, MyFitnessPal (to keep track of how much iron I consumed per day), Plant Nanny (which kept track of my water consumption and reminded me to drink more water every 2 hours), and a number of other apps that I didn't use often or used way too often that were not helpful/beneficial to me in any way. The results were also really great and I found myself feeling healthier and with more energy.

I actually stopped wearing my Fitbit Charge HR for two reasons. First, my eyes were opened to what the experts talked about in Irresistible; how I felt like a failure if I didn't get to my step goal (blame my slightly competitive nature) and how I pushed myself even when I felt too tired or my legs hurt. That led to number two: I was unintentionally causing more harm than I was helping. I didn't listen to my body when it sent "okay, you need to rest" signals and let my brain bully me with "but you can get to that number... you've done over 11k steps before; surely you can finish 5k measly steps per day." I found myself growing more and more fatigued and physically exhausted as the days passed but I pushed myself to meet the goals. Yes, my doctors advised that I walk more and exercise more but I was pushing myself beyond my limits, especially when the accidental dairy consumption physically weakened me more than anemia ever did. I'm not even going to touch on the sleeping and heart rate trackers which used to seriously stress me out. 

After I deleted the app and stopped wearing the tracker, I started picking up bodily cues. I walk when I feel the energy to walk. I actually try to get up and walk around as much as I can throughout the day; much more than I used to prior to the use of FitBit. If I was tired, I first drank water (since I'd been terrible at keeping myself hydrated prior to this experiment) to make sure I was just a bit dehydrated. If I was still tired, I took a break from whatever I was doing and rested. I even took naps if I felt like I really needed one and it wasn't too late in the day. I ate when I was hungry or drank more water if a mealtime was coming up and I knew I wouldn't be hungry for it if I snacked. I've also noticed that whatever foods I crave usually pinpoint to something my body needs. i.e.: when I was craving dairy (which I can't have) was when my calcium levels were low (I'm not sure where they are now). When I craved red meat was when my iron was lower. When I craved salty things was when my sodium was low (I found I had low sodium at the ER last month). When the thought of fried foods or certain dietary staples didn't appeal to me, I listened to what I was in the mood for and it helped get my stomach back on track. 

I've been able to maintain my weight at my normal range (123-125 lbs; what has been recommended for my 5'7" height and small frame by doctors) for an entire year without the help of MyFitnessPal which used to tell me how many more calories I needed to eat to gain weight when I was underweight. (For those of you who are new to the blog: being underweight was the unfortunate consequence of an academic stress breakdown I had three years ago and then a car accident I had a year and a half ago). Now that I've found a multivitamin that has more than 100% iron (which I need for my anemia), I don't need to keep track of that either. Buh-bye, app!

I also did something to help with the bouts of insomnia I've been battling with on-and-off for years. I'd heard a lot about the damage caused by the blue light found in artificial light and devices (laptops, tablets, cell phones, eReaders, TVs, etc) but I didn't do much about it until this Lent. In case you didn't know, the blue light messes up our sleeping patterns because it decreases our melatonin production (which helps us fall asleep) and throws off our biological clock. Not only that, it has been linked to a development of cancers, diabetes, heart disease and obesity. 

After being reminded of the damage it can make, I decided to cut down on the amount of time I use the screen per day, only using the laptop, cell phone, and iPod touch when I need to. I had installed f.lux on my laptop a couple of years ago but hadn't used it for a while so I reinstalled it so that it dims the blue light on my laptop when I use it later than I normally do. Since I don't use the laptop as much as I used to, I don't get to watch the color change on my laptop screen. Sometimes, especially in the days leading up to exams or due dates, I can be on my laptop nearly all afternoon into evening and night so this is when f.lux is helpful. 

At my annual optometry appointment, the optometrist advised me to add a blue-blocking filter/coat to my glasses after explaining the damage the blue light does to our eyes. I declined the coat for now (too expensive for my budget this year) but I did purchase an inexpensive (less than $8) pair of orange glasses that block blue light on Amazon. Since I mostly wear glasses at home -- especially at night -- I got myself a pair of Uvex S0360X glasses since they are large/wide enough that I could wear them over my normal glasses. I've worn them nightly (and I'll even fall asleep with them on if I'm reading in bed after particularly stressful days) for nearly a month now and I can tell you that I've had the best sleep I've had in years. I'm not trying to sell you anything (I didn't even link you to the glasses I got); I'm telling you the honest truth. 

I'm not sure if it's the glasses, my decision to completely unplug and keep the last 2-3 hours of my day to prayer and reading (mostly fiction) books in order to help relax my mind (part of my daily self-care routine which has been proven to help), or a combination of the two but whatever it is, it's working. I sleep better and feel less tired in the morning. I'm also waking up and falling asleep naturally at earlier hours. I don't know when the last time I went to sleep at 3-4 a.m. (or later) was.

Oh yes, I also keep my phone away from the main part of my bedroom. The iPod touch (which serves as a temporary alarm clock) is kept on a closet shelf. It's close enough to not do bodily harm if I get up in a sleepy fog but far enough that I have to physically get up to shut it off so I'm not tempted to hit the snooze button. Mom and I will most likely keep this as our alarm clock since I've chosen a soothing (yet loud enough) song to wake us up at different times. Since Mom gets up at 3 a.m., we don't want an annoyingly loud alarm blaring, making our neighbors wake up from their own slumber. It also works because it uses the battery from the iPod and isn't plugged in or using disposable batteries, saving money.

As you can see, I had great results from my health and technology Lenten experiment. I feel healthier and more rested. My stomach is resetting and getting better. My concentration is getting sharper. My mental fog is going away. I feel less stressed out and have more patience. Oh! We've also saved a lot on our electric bill. Mom and I were surprised at home little we paid last month (we get the bill every 2 months). Of course, it's too early to call it a complete success since we human beings tend to relapse at times but I think these habits have a good chance of sticking and becoming permanent. :)

Anyway, that's it for now. As I said at the beginning of this post, I finished my lecture videos (and notes) so I am going to turn off the laptop, keep the ringer on my phone on silent (I've had it this way since I watched the lecture videos), and work on doing the flash cards for my hearing/ear anatomy and basic audiology course since the flashcards for the other class are done. :) 

I hope y'all had a lovely week and that you have a great weekend. Divine Mercy Sunday is upon us! Praying that I can make it to Mass this weekend. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Remembering an Inspiring Professor

Before I get into this post, I wanted to say that, yes, I know the blog post from earlier this week wasn't posted to either Facebook or Twitter. The applets were down. If you want to read it please click here: Belated Revelations.

I am currently cleaning out the inbox of an email account I've had since I was in high school (we're talking circa 2001-2002; yes, I'm that old, lol). I've gone through emails from 2003 through 2009, the last only two weeks after my father's death. The email I opened was of one of my favorite professors I ever had. The email was a response to my letting him know that I was going to take him for an online course (which was still customary at West Los Angeles College in 2009).

He replied: "Wow, I knew that I knew your name!!!!!!!!!!!! This is an entirely online class so we won't see each other, or you won't have to put up with my jokes!!!!!! Looking forward to hearing what you have to say about this course as we take it online!!!! See you online soon.
Mr. Habel."

He was my professor for two English courses during my freshman year of college at Santa Monica College (in 2004-2005) and, years later (Fall 2009), I took him for an Interpersonal Communications course at West Los Angeles College. I took easy "filler"/elective courses at community college during the 2009-2010 school year because my father had died only a month prior to the start of the Fall semester and I didn't want to start my (now) alma mater and possibly waste $40k (that was the tuition and fees cost per year when I was an undergrad) not knowing if I would have the mental and emotional capacity to get through the entire school year since my father's death had just happened. Thankfully, I was able to make it through the entire school year (arguably my favorite of my entire academic career because of the courses I took) in one piece and with my highest GPA ever.

When I was signing up for courses, I saw that Mr. Habel was teaching a speech course at WLAC. I'd loved his English classes so it was a no-brainer to take it. Even though the English classes started at 6:30 a.m. (yes, you read that correctly), Mr. Habel was always so kind to us (there were maybe 10 of us total) and he was one of the most encouraging and optimistic professors I've been blessed to have. His class wasn't hard nor was the material tedious; he chose the right material to challenge us without making it seem like it was a challenge. He truly cared that we all succeeded and never in a condescending way.

Opening up that email brought back all those lovely memories of his courses and what a great professor he was. I decided to look him up -- to see if he was still teaching -- when I encountered news I wasn't expecting: Mr. Lowell Habel had passed away on May 27, 2015, only 3 days before my 30th birthday. I teared up. In fact, I'm still tearing up as I type this out. It's been almost 2 years since his passing but the news is fresh to me.

I'm going to take this opportunity to not only say what a great human being he was but also to remind everyone how little acts can change and inspire us for the best. Mr. Habel cared deeply for his students. I saw it in the three semesters I was his student. He was kind, funny (oh, those jokes...), and he tried to help us with things that were even outside of the material/course he was teaching. 12+ years after I took my first course with him, his optimism and encouragement still resonate with me. I wonder if he knew how many students he helped. Most of us begin college worried about doing well and he was the professor who helped make that transition easier for me. In fact, he made me feel like I was competent enough to not only do well and succeed in college but beyond, whatever career path I would choose.

I'm about to pray the Rosary and the chaplet of Divine Mercy (it's the 3 o'clock hour, as I type this, in L.A.). I will remember him in my prayers and will also make sure that I try to honor his memory by being encouraging to others like he had been to all of us.

Rest in peace, Mr. Habel... and thank you for everything.

Resignation to God's Will and Survival

Wow. It's been two weeks since the last blog post. I don't think I've gone so long without writing a blog post since my father's death in 2009. If you're not following me on Twitter or any other social media platform than you might've not known that I was in extreme, crazy study mode for the past two weeks. I had three final exams over 4 days, the last two of which I did this morning. I'm behind on sending a friend Advent meditations (oops!). I have a lot of email content to get through from the past couple of days. I've been posting novena reminders later than I would've liked. I've just been really busy with studying for exams and the last couple of assignments to finish. However, I'm done... and I'm back!

I have my final grades already. I didn't fail single class though I will have to repeat two because of a B- or better policy that my school's program has. Yes, even though I was about 3% away from that B- (in the class in which a classmate plagiarized her part of the group research paper and sunk all the group members' grades), I still have to repeat it. It's okay. I'm at peace about the whole thing which, I believe, is a continuation of possibly having (finally!) learned to have complete trust and total surrender to God's will. I didn't get to study as much as I would've liked because I was constantly reminded that I needed to slow down and take care of myself in the days leading up to the finals. I slept 10 hours yesterday and had a bunch of stuff to do so I had little study time and I still managed an 81% of today's exam. Basically, I did what I could, I stopped relying solely on what I could do, and I trusted that I would pass the exams if it was God's will for me to continue down this path. I have to say, the results were pretty awesome. 

I could've gotten better grades and passed the two classes I have to retake but I've resigned myself to the idea that I did the best that I could under the circumstance and for that I'm glad. I didn't ask to have an acute kidney injury nor to have 3 heart holsters fitted during the semester. I didn't ask to have all the medical issues I had for the first couple of weeks of the semester, which manifested in the horrid symptom of intense fog, making it impossible to memorize the terms for and concentrate on the first couple of exams. I could be angry about what happened with the plagiarism and blame the classmate but I've chosen not to. Yes, it's completely unfair to be penalized for something I didn't do. Yes, it's going to push back my graduation date for another 6 to 12 months longer than anticipated. Yes, I'm going to have to chance my plans. However, I firmly believe that everything happened for a reason and therefore I'm just going to go with the flow. Things will work out for the best in God's time; I've done all I could do on my end. Next semester I'm doing 2 courses (and will continue the 2-course per semester pattern through graduation) I have to retake and just focus on those because of the amount of memorization it requires. 

The old me would've been stressed out because I have to repeat two courses... which means more student loans... which means it'll take longer for me to begin working. The current me is saying "thank goodness I'm going to have two courses I'm already familiar with and I'm glad the professor for one course will let me submit all the work I did this semester for next semester." The current me is more excited about the fact that I can enjoy the rest of Advent with a mental peace I've been aching for since the semester began. I'm not thinking about long term goals. I'm no longer feeling a little ashamed and pathetic for not finishing school when I wanted. I no longer feel like I have to prove myself and what I'm capable of doing (mentally). I'm not comparing myself to others. I'm letting my natural optimistic side take over. Optimism and resignation to God's will is a great combo for me. :)

Anyway, I just wanted to share this little (ha!) update since I had the time to blog. I only slept 4 hours last night so I think I should go take a nap before it gets later and the nap then interrupts my sleeping schedule, which is already of whack.  If there are terrible typos or missing words... I have the lack of sleep as my excuse. ;) I hope to blog more often now that I have an entire month free before the Spring semester begins. Yay! Oh, I'll be writing about my plans soon. ;)

I hope everyone had a lovely weekend! :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

When You're Forced to Slow Down

Dear God,

Message received, loud and clear. I needed to slow down and take care of myself. I can still (unintentionally) get back on the "must work, work, work" train of thought that lets important things -- like getting proper hydration during the day -- slip to the side. Thank you for derailing my plans.

Sincerely,

Emmy

I spent most of last week sleeping and/or unable to leave the house. On Tuesday, which was St. Cecilia's feast day, I had planned on reposting my confirmation story and expand on how St. Cecilia has been an ever-present influence on my life without me realizing it until recently. (side note: I'll eventually post that story but I won't have the time to do it today.) I was also going to write about Advent beginning and a slew of other ideas I had. Then I woke up on Tuesday not feeling that great. I think I slept about 20-22 hours in total on Tuesday and Wednesday. I had to turn in a homework assignment late because I was just completely out of it on Tuesday, falling asleep when I wasn't dealing with feeling like crumbs. I was forced to slow down and rest. Then, when I started feeling better, I decided to take the long Thanksgiving Break off and do some serious self-care by letting my body get the rest it needed as well as eating and drinking as I should. Okay, I also watched the Gilmore Girls revival episodes (not a fan) and let my mind rest after pushing it to my limits over the last couple of weeks.

Could I have finished the last of my homework assignments during the long weekend? Sure. Though I didn't start feeling like myself again until yesterday (and it was still a sort of off day), I could've totally made myself do some of the work. Instead, I chose not to. Why? Because I wasn't sleeping quality sleep. Sure, I got 6-8 hours of sleep but they were usually broken up into naps of 3-4 hours per nap. I wasn't drinking enough water. I was eating well enough but I needed the other two components. I chose to give myself a break because I know that finals are coming up and I'll be completely useless for the exams if I burn myself out before they begin late next week.

I've made a lot of progress from a year ago. Last year I pushed myself too hard, especially after my car accident. I wanted to prove that I could do it all despite the obstacles. That's just how I've always been, especially when it comes to academia. I wanted to finish my first quarter of graduate school on a high note despite missing half the quarter due to the accident. I put homework and exam deadlines ahead of sleep, food, and (I'm ashamed to admit) even attending Mass one weekend. My priorities were messed up. I put importance on things that would, ultimately, not matter in the long run and was neglecting things that were more important. This semester was the first in which prayer, Mass, and health have gotten priority over deadlines. It's worked out well for me but it was so easy to slip back into my bad habits in the week leading up to my last exam, two weeks ago. After the exam, I was on that academic high (despite the bombed exam) and it was hard not to keep going. I didn't even notice it, to be honest. I just thought "Oh, cool. Second wind!!" Nope. I was going to eventually crash -- and probably before I took my last final -- and it took this to slow me down and rest. Again, thank you, God, for forcing me to slow down.

I love how this also coincided with the beginning of Advent. Though it's my favorite time of year (massive fan of Advent and Christmastime over here), I didn't really prepare this year. I bought a new Advent candle holder (Nativity scene center) to replace the wreath we had that fell apart. I pulled out my book of Advent and Christmas meditations using wisdom nuggets from Ven. Fulton Sheen. I came up with a list of New (Liturgical) Year Resolutions. (Side note: I already failed out of the gate because I was too lightheaded to drive to Mass by myself last night. I really need someone to find someone willing to come pick me up for Mass when I can't drive but am, at least, well enough to sit and be present at Mass.) That's about it. I've changed to Office 2 in The Little Office of the Blessed Virgin Mary. I'm continuing the 54-day Rosary novena. I'm keeping my prayer schedule. One thing that I will be doing, that is a last minute addition, is adding more silence into my day.

I've never been a big fan of silence. The day my father died, I took solace in music. When I'm home alone, something is almost always playing in the background. I can't drive in the car without music. I can (and have) done long periods of silence but it's usually during Lent. I'm not sure if I don't want to be alone with my thoughts, if it's just something that I learned from my parents, or if it's something I've yet not figured out but I've never been comfortable with not having some type of noise, even if it's white noise. This season, I'm going to add to silence to my routine as part of my ongoing quest to let go and let God lead the way. I have a feeling it may be exactly what I need amidst the crazy that is coming up in the next 2-3 weeks. The silence will also help slow down my ever-racing brain ("gotta memorize these terms... gotta do this assignment...") and help me focus on what Advent is all about.

Anyway, just wanted to write so... hey, new blog post. ;) Now I'm going to do a couple more self-care things (get a bit more water in me and have dinner) and then get started on some of my last observation hours since hours 20-22 (out of 25; almost done!) are due tomorrow. They'll get done when they get done but I have time to do them tonight so why not? It'll be better than binge-watching more Netflix shows and movies (which I did enough of this weekend). Moderation, my dears. :)

I hope y'all had a great weekend and a lovely start of the Advent season. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Complete Trust and Total Surrender?

Your eyes do not deceive you. It's another blog post... a week later. lol. Y'all know my excuse: coursework. I spent the entire week last week studying for a "do or die" exam. I spent about 12 hours seated in a chair in the kitchen, going over lecture videos and flash cards until it was time to sleep on some days. Other days I had other things going on so I didn't get nearly enough time to study. I even caught myself repeating some memorized terms while I was falling asleep or even waking up. I was in the zone. I even paid for my exam this time around (I couldn't get to see my regular proctor this past week). I took my exam on Saturday morning. I was confident while taking the exam. "Oh, I know this! And this! Yes, I'm going to pass...!" Half an hour later: 66%. My reaction was to be speechless after saying: "wait, I'm sorry... what?! 66%?! How's that possible? I knew this material!"

I spent an entire week focused on nothing (observation hours excluded) but studying. I took a break from social media for several days, only updating the Rosary novena dates via Twitter and FB for those who asked to be reminded. Texts went unanswered for hours at a time. I fell behind on emails. It didn't matter. I worked the hardest I've ever worked on any exam... and I didn't pass. Since it was a "do or die" exam, it meant I wasn't going to pass the class with the required B- needed to take three of the last courses prior to graduation.

I cried for a minute or two. I was disappointed. I put everything I had into this exam. I hadn't experienced any mental fog while studying for it. I ate well. I slept well. I kept my anxiety levels down for most days (side note: I had a weird 12 hours of continual anxiety and palpitations on Wednesday night into Thursday morning). There was literally nothing else I could do to pass this exam that wasn't cheating -- which will never be an option.

Though I was disappointed, I was also oddly at peace with everything. It wasn't the end of the world. It just meant that I had to change my plans again. I've been doing that most of my adult life. I'll have to retake this course next semester along with another (new) course and take the last three classes I was planning to take in the Spring during the Summer and/or Fall 2017 semesters. Instead of graduating next semester (Spring), it means I'll have to graduate either in the Summer or Fall 2017, only 3-7 months later than anticipated. Everything will be delayed for less than a year. Even if I wasn't getting a chance to continue this degree, I have options to keep moving forward.

I think it was appropriate that this happened the day before the feast of Christ the King. I was lovely to be reminded that when chips it the fan, it simply means that it wasn't the time for it yet. God has plans for me -- plans greater than I could ever imagine -- that I'm not going to fight it. I'm just going to adapt myself to whatever obstacles pop up. I'm so confident that this is the path God wants me to take right now that I don't mind the delay. It might be because I'm so used to it. I started college a year later than I should've despite graduating from high school a year and a half ahead of schedule. I graduate with my first degree 4-5 years later than I should've. I didn't move to England to finish my first degree, having to stay in L.A. My vocation has also been (obviously) delayed, for whatever reason. Christ is King. I have put my life in His hands and I trust that everything will happen when it's supposed to. Again, I will have to roll with the punches as they come but I'm confident that He is helping lead me down whatever path He wants me to take when He wants me to take it. I'm not going to worry about. That goes for everything -- health, school, career, vocation... every aspect of my life.

There has been a big change in me since I started the 54-day Rosary novena. A friend I've known for nearly a decade saw it in me when we went to a young adult group meeting two weekends ago. My mother has also noticed and commented on it (without knowing that my friend had also commented on it). I'm not quite sure what it is but, looking back at it, I can see what they're talking about. Maybe I've finally learned how to let go of what I can't control. Could it perhaps be a confidence / complete trust / total surrender in doing God's will? This wasn't even an intention for the novena but this novena is powerful. Even when things don't go well, amazing things happen. Perhaps this is one of the fruits of this novena. Who knows. We're only 21 days into it.

Anyway, I just wanted to share these thoughts with y'all. I should have more time to blog this week but, again, don't quote me on it. Finals start December 7th and go through December 16th but the last modules/sections opened today so I'm going to try to finish all the final assignments by Wednesday so I can a) have more time to study for finals and b) do it in smaller, more manageable chunks so that I'm not completely overwhelmed during finals week(s). I should have more blogging time if I do things this way. Fingers crossed! I'll definitely blog tomorrow because it's a very special feast day for me. Hint: it's in my name. ;)

Alright, I should go do some homework or something. ;) Oh, wait...! Congrats to Catherine and Kimberly who were the Magnificat Advent Companion winners! I've sent both of you the codes and I hope you enjoy the iOS apps this Advent season.

I hope y'all had a lovely weekend and enjoy this last week before Advent begins. :)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Magnificat Advent Companion 2016 Giveaway!

Hello, everyone! Sorry for the lack of updates but... well, you know. It's the same ol' same ol'. My week consists of (mainly) schoolwork, exams, lectures, lab assignments, observation hours and then writing reports for those hours. Rinse and repeat. I have another month of this before I take my first two final exams but I'm getting closer to the finish line with my sanity intact which is all I ask for. lol.

I did get some socializing in yesterday when the young adult group met up for coffee/tea and muffins at a local coffee and ice cream place after Mass. It was my second Latin Mass in less than a week which was so good for my soul, literally and figuratively. I was the only gal who went to the meet-up but the priest and the fellas are all so nice, I didn't feel like the odd girl out. Since I grew up with my best guys being mostly guys, I felt comfortable talking about religion and politics with them. Yes, those are usually topics to avoid but we all seemed to be on the same page across the board so I thoroughly enjoyed the hour or so we spent chatting while enjoying our beverages (and muffins) of choice. This was the second meeting with the group (the first with two young men I hadn't met before) and I already feel comfortable to keep attending the meetings and events with them. :) I have a lot more thoughts I want to share when I'm not in a rush so I'm going to get straight to why I'm writing this post.

The lovely people at Magnificat have graciously given me two iOS app codes to give away to you lovely readers for Advent 2016, just like I did for Lent 2016. Though I could've taken one more myself, I decided to give both codes away since I will be purchasing either the app or the actual booklet. Since I know I'll be incredibly busy for the first 3 weeks of Advent with school (the last final is on December 16 unless I can finish them earlier), and I know that the Magnificat app worked so well for me during Lent, I'm going to use it again. No, Magnificat is not paying me to say these things nor am I employed by them. They just gave me the codes to give away. :) Again, this is an iOS app only, not the booklet.

To enter the giveaway, please enter through the Rafflecopter widget at the end of the blog post. The giveaway will run from today through next Sunday. I know Advent doesn't begin for another two weeks but I don't know how busy I'll be the week before Advent begins. Again, school is going to get crazier after this week and I want to get the codes to whoever wins them on time. :)

I will blog about my plans for Advent -- which is my favorite time of year -- soon. I have other blog posts in mind as well but I'll post them as I get the time to do it. :)

That's it for now. I have an exam to study for. I was planning on starting it on Friday and again yesterday but things happened so I have to start today if I want a decent chance at passing it. I need to pass it if I want to pass the class. Yes, it's one of those "do or die" exams before finals begin. It's the hardest course of the program so any prayers you can spare, in your charity, would be greatly appreciated.

I hope y'all had a lovely week despite the election and post-election craziness that has been happening. Just remember that prayer can move mountains. It's a cliché idiom for a reason, folks. ;)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!



a Rafflecopter giveaway

I've Stopped Making Plans

When I was in my late teens through early 20s (20-21), one of my best friends and I had a running joke that we couldn't make plans because "the universe" always messed them up. (Side note: this was before my reversion which is why I blamed "the universe.") It annoyed me that our plans started falling apart almost immediately after we made them. The closer I got to my reversion, the worse it got. Of course, I didn't know I would eventually revert. All I knew is that it was a drag that I couldn't see my friends and go out as often as I wanted. I started getting sick. My dad would get sick as well. My anxiety became a pain to deal with. My friend and I had transportation issues; this was before either of us had cars or even driver's licenses. You name a reason for why we couldn't go out -- it probably happened to one of us... and usually to me. Little did I know that this would set the trend for the next decade.

I'm a social introvert. Yes, we exist and it's not an oxymoron. I genuinely love spending time with my friends. Quality time is, after all, my love language. Of course, after spending time with friends I need my time to recharge. As soon as I've recovered from an outing, it's time to make new plans to hang out. That's how it worked for me when I was a teenager right until my reversion -- I made plans with friends to go out and we went through with them. That usually meant we'd go to a concert, to the beach, out to eat somewhere, or on a mini road trip around the city (L.A. is huge and spread out). At the end of the day I was exhausted and took the next day (or three) to recharge. I had no idea it was because I'm an introvert but I knew it was what worked for me. After "the universe" (as my poorly catechized, pre-reversion self used to say) started foiling my plans, friends stopped wanting to hang out and/or, at least, making plans with me, because we never knew if I would be able to go out due to x, y, and/or z.

Looking back at it, it was a massive blessing in disguise. It forced me to stop hanging out with people who ended up being incredibly toxic, false "friends" who -- even years after my reversion -- did all they could to drag my name and reputation through the mud with gossip and lies. It also changed my path in life. I stopped being more preoccupied with things that were hurting my relationship with God (not that I even had one at the time) and I ended up reverting. See? Huge blessing. Still, I didn't see it like that way back then. I just saw it as an unfair "system" that kept me at home. Why couldn't I go out? Why couldn't I have fun? Cue the tiny violins.

If I hadn't stayed home all those times, I would've probably never reverted... or, at least, not as soon. I would've never spent as much time with my father when he was still healthy (during his remission years). Who would've guess that I'd lose him when I was 24? I certainly didn't. I planned on him being around long enough to play with my future kids. As I learned more about suffering and letting go from a Catholic perspective, not going out and hanging out with friends was easier to deal with. Having most of my friends either move away from L.A. or disappear because they didn't like that I was becoming "more religious" helped make the transition easier on me.

Fast forward to a decade later: I still can't make plans. In fact, I've pretty much given up on making any long term plans because it's obvious that I haven't learned to give up trying to control things. Yes, that's the conclusion I came to this weekend; things don't happen like I want them to because I'm still trying to have too much control over them. I'm still being taught that lesson. Now how do I know this? I'm not 100% sure, of course, but I came to the very painful but eye-opening realization that as much as I say "God, I trust in You" and "You show me what You want me to do" I still try to do things my way. Old habits die hard, folks. Not to say that I don't trust God, because I do, but I'm also selfish. I want things to go how I want them to, when I want. I want to have an idea of what the future is going to hold for me so that I'm not surprised. Blame it on dealing with anxiety and PTSD for half of my life.

This week there were plans to finish all my exams early. Even though I got no time to study for a couple of weeks due to health issues, hospital visits, and then a number of other things that popped up, I just wanted to get them over with. I was able to go back to my alma mater (oh, I'll blog about that soon) and take one of the three exams on Thursday. My anxiety was horrendous because I hadn't studied but I still managed to pass the exam. I was scheduled to go back on Friday (yesterday) to take two more exams.

Yesterday morning I woke up feeling more relaxed despite not having studied much for either exam. I ate my usual breakfast, got dressed, and waited for my ride to pick me up. While waiting for the ride I thought "I'll go apply some holy water to my forehead; I can use all the help I can get today." Almost immediately afterward I started feeling stomach cramps. "Nerves," I thought to myself... until they got worse. I had a feeling I would not make it through morning rush hour traffic on the 405 (that's a freeway/highway for you non-local folks) so I decided to stay home. The phone rang; my ride was waiting outside for me. Nope, I wasn't going. My stomach cramps got so painful that my heart started racing. It didn't last for more than maybe an hour or so (chamomile tea FTW!) but I had to reschedule my exams for Monday. Thankfully my proctor was wonderful about it and said it was no problem; to feel better and go in on Monday. Did I mention that this all happened at 5-6 a.m. and I was scheduled to start my exams at 7 a.m. so it was really last minute to make these changes on my proctor?

I originally planned to finish college in 2006-2007; I received my first Bachelor's in 2012. I'd planned to go to college in England; I stayed in Los Angeles for school. I planned to finish this second Bachelor's degree the Spring of 2015; I had to withdraw in November 2014 for health reasons. I went to grad school and planned to finish my MA in Biblical Theology in Spring 2017; I left Summer 2016. I planned x, y, z weeks or even months ahead of time... and plans changed, sometimes at the last minute. Stop trying to make long-term plans, Emmy. ;)

So why am I sharing these stories? Well, like I said, looking back at them I've realized that I need to stop making all these plans that give me the false illusion that I have complete control over parts of my life. I firmly believe that I keep going through this because I haven't learned my lesson. I haven't relinquished my desire to have full control over parts of my life and I really need to. God knows better than I do what needs to happen and when. Me? I just want to get from point A to point B as fast as I can. I don't enjoy life this way because I'm rushing through it. I don't rely on God because I think that I can do things on my own. Also, I live in the future, not in the present. I only think about what will happen in the future but don't pay too much attention to the present. Poor little fool. I have a feeling that, until I stop trying to be so controlling over things and start being more present, the cycle will continue to repeat.

Yes, I'm totally one of those people who believe that everything happens for a reason and this is the reason why I think I'm in this endless cycle of failed plans. That's not to say that I'm never going to plan anything again ever. Short term plans usually work out for me, especially if there's a flexibility to them. I need to go more with the flow and not make so many rigid long term plans until I learn to not want total control over those plans. I planned my exam schedule weeks in advance and look at what happened. Some of the best things that have happened to me have been done last minute or when I've given up total control over it. What's that? God's will and not mine? Yep, that needs to be repeated in my mind more often.

Anyway, just wanted to share these thoughts with y'all. Have any of you been stuck in a similar cycle; where you plan on something but something else happens? When did things change for you?

I think that's enough procrastination for now. I have a quiz due in 4 hours but I'm going to go ahead and do it now. Better to do it when I can than to plan to do it later when it may be harder to finish, right?  ;)

I hope y'all are having a lovely weekend thus far!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

More Hospital Visits (Update)

Wow, what a week it's been since the last update. I've been in the hospital three days for different reasons. If you're not following me on Twitter, you've missed a flurry of updates. Basically, on Mama Mary's birthday I went to the local ER (read: not the one where I'm a regular patient) for palpitations that lasted over an hour. Last time I had them that bad was when I had an infection and my body was fighting it off. They didn't do any tests except the EKG and dismissed it as anxiety when the EKG came back normal.

Fast forward to 4 days later (on Monday). I drove to the hospital feeling very dizzy and fatigued, assuming it was due to a lack of sleep. Still, I didn't want to miss having a heart holster fitted (for the palpitations) so I went in. The cardiology nurse who fitted the holster suggested I go to the ER because I didn't look great and was really dizzy. She also said I shouldn't be driving dizzy. That's true. I did take a lot of side streets and have someone in the car with me so it wasn't like I was being completely dumb. I wanted to wave it off but something made me listen to her. I didn't go to the ER but went to urgent care because I didn't think it was bad enough for the ER. Several tests later we found out my kidneys weren't working properly. Hello two big bags of IV fluids. The doctor said I had UTI and she thoughts my kidneys weren't working due to dehydration. After the stomach bug that lasted an entire week and then spending another week fatigued, I was and wasn't surprised about the dehydration. I'm usually good about my water intake especially when I'm sick but apparently I was also not replacing the sodium lost. Antibiotics given. I least I left the hospital with good news: red and white blood count as well as platelets were better than they were in late June. Still, I have pancytopenia (which means all three are lower than normal) so I have to take the folic acid pills along with vitamin C and iron to see if it's the abysmal folate level and the anemia (which I had for several months) that caused the pancytopenia.

Early this morning I received a call from one of the doctors that I "basically" didn't have a UTI after all; that I didn't have to take the antibiotics. Good thing I hadn't started them yet -- just got them filled and was about to start them literally minutes before the doctor called. My kidneys are "under the weather" but it might be because of the dehydration. I was supposed to return to the hospital today to get more tests done but was advised to hold it off until tomorrow to see the progress my kidneys. If there isn't an improvement, they'll do an ultrasound to see what's going on. At the moment they're not too worried, especially since I've been feeling better.

It's been a trip. Literally and figuratively. The hospital is a bit of a drive for me (especially since I refuse to drive on the freeways) so I'm glad I don't have any more trips to make in the foreseeable future. I went in yesterday to get the holster taken off but I wasn't there for more than maybe half an hour.

I would be lying if I said I haven't felt sad and frustrated over all of this. I've spent the past two days in tears. Before anyone tells me to trust God... yes, I know. I do but that doesn't mean that my very human emotions can be turned off easily. I do have my moments of feeling like I'm defeated but they don't last too long. Those tears are usually because I see my mother suffering (and it was her birthday yesterday) or because other people say rude remarks or make me feel bad. Sensitive gal over here, remember? Yes, I'm frustrated that it's happened at the busiest time for me. Yes, I'm sad that I can't seem to catch a break when it comes to my health. Yes, I do trust God and I sometimes think I deserve some of what I'm going through. Yes, I remember that Jesus suffered more than I ever will. Still, I feel deeply and tears do happen.

I've also missed a lot of study time. A lot. I've gotten no hours of studying for exams done since the semester began... two weeks ago. Yep. I've gotten my coursework done in time (although I've received some, well, not so kind remarks from classmates for not turning in my portion of what's due in a couple of days; yes, not due for a couple of days and already breathing down my neck over it) but zero for studying on the first exams... which are next week. I hope I still remember some of it from last time I took these courses because I won't get enough time to study like I would've liked.

And that's my update for now. I want to get the group collaboration questions for my very... special snowflake... classmates submitted so they'll give me a break and stop making me feel lousy for being sick and not having had the time to submit anything. Oh, I cried many a tears last night over their very public (read: on the course message board for all to see) comments about what a terrible and irresponsible classmate I am. Lesson for all: never assume things about someone because they may be going through something. Also, never expect anyone to go by your own deadlines... especially if you want to finish way before an assignment is due. Not expecting any apologies, to be honest, and that's okay.

Thank you to everyone who has prayed for me. I ask that you please continue to keep me in your prayers until we get another update on how my kidneys are doing. I hope they're on the mend and that they were not doing well (medical term is acute kidney injury... don't Google it like I did unless you want to worry like I did, lol) because of the dehydration.

Anyway... I'm going to get some coursework done. No rest until bedtime for this gal. Applying war paint now...

As always, thanks for reading and God bless. :D

Big Decisions? More Prayer.

Hello everyone!

Sorry for the lack of updates but with the start of classes and a week-long virus (I spent almost all of last week in bed), I really didn't do much. Thankfully, I was able to complete all the work for the first week on the first day of classes last Monday so I wasn't stressed out and was able to sleep and rest as much as I needed. I'm still recovering from too much sleep (yes, there's such a thing) but am back to business.

My prayer life is almost where it was prior to the confusion and the spiritual dryness I had a couple of weeks ago. Concentration was shot because of the virus and now because I have too many thoughts racing around in my head (more on this in a bit) but I'm still soldiering on. I've missed Mass the last two weekends because I spent all day in bed, too sick to stand let alone drive (and I'm the only one who drives in this house), so I have a legitimate excuses for not attending. I still missed it though. I look forward to going to confession and Mass this week... during the week. Have I mentioned that I've missed going to Mass? 'Cause I have. A lot. I can haz Eucharist soon?

I've been a little preoccupied with school lately. Not so much the coursework (which is, basically, a repetition of what I did two years ago since all four classes are the same classes I had to withdraw from in Fall 2014). My current dilemma is figuring out whether grad school is an option that I need to pursue next month. Long story short, there's encouragement to continue straight onto grad school and become a fully licensed SLP after I complete this degree. It would mean 2-3 more years of intense coursework but it would also mean a lot more flexibility and options in the long run. However, grad school admittance rates are extraordinarily low for those who apply to the programs the first time so I don't know what to do. I literally cannot afford to apply to grad school and take the GRE AND do my SLPA license hours in case I don't get accepted to a grad program. Even if I decide to do my SLPA hours and forego grad school, I have to wait a year to do them since the waitlists at the two local accredited universities that offer them are currently at capacity for the next two semesters. I have a lot to think and pray about in the next couple of weeks; October is when grad school applications for Fall 2017 open and I need to figure out if I'm going to take that risk of applying and potentially not getting accepted.

At this point, I'm not going to stress over any big decisions even though it's my "default setting" to get problems worked out ASAP. I'm going to have to have a lot of patience, a lot of trust, and park myself in front of the Blessed Sacrament as often as I can in the next couple of weeks because I've resigned myself to doing what I think I should be doing. As we've seen in recent years, I don't rely enough on prayer and on God to help make these big decisions and I'm tired of wasting time and money and not getting anywhere. I think I've done the minimum when it comes to praying about big decisions and I want to change that. My way of doing things has not worked so I'm taking a new approach to things -- more prayer and a lot less over-analyzing things. I know I live too much in my mind and I confuse myself in the process. I also don't want to be impulsive. I need prayer. Lots and lots of prayer. I'll get there... I just have to work on patience along the way.

Anyway, that's really all that's been going on with me. Like I said, because I was sick all of last week (and I do mean the entire week) I mostly slept and tried to rest which is very hard for me to do at times because I don't like "wasting time" when I can be doing something. Who knows, maybe I needed to get sick as a reminder of what happens when I don't take time to take care of myself. It truly was a good reminder that I shouldn't just focus on coursework because without my health, I can't do anything.

I'm feeling a little lightheaded and blah today because I couldn't sleep well last night (depression symptoms are slowly waning) but I'm going to try at get some work done for my classes, even if it just means printing out the materials I need to study for my first exams in a couple of weeks. Gotta do something. ;)

I hope y'all are having a great week thus far. If I can pray about anything for y'all, please let me know. ;)

As always, thanks for reading (and praying for me)!

God bless,

 

Dear Dad...

Today is the 7th anniversary of your death. I still can't wrap my mind around it being that long. It both does and doesn't feel like much time has passed. I haven't forgotten what you look like but I occasionally forget what your voice sounded like. I guess that's normal since it's been so long.

I started playing the guitar again. This time, it's a little more regularly. I stopped playing after you died. It took me a good 5-6 years to really find any interest in it again. You promised me a guitar shortly before you died which still occasionally hurts. No, getting the guitar doesn't matter; it's the fact that you promised something that will never be fulfilled that got me down. It's a constant reminder that there were things we planned that will never get fulfilled. Every time I picked the guitar up, I was reminded of you and that promise. I remember all those times you drove me to my lessons as well as the times you drove me to get my first two guitars (and how you picked out the first one I ever owned). I think it was quite funny that the only thing that cheered me up this weekend was picking up my acoustic guitar and playing, followed by singing. There's more music in the house, like you liked when you were alive.

I've been through heck and back over the last year but I'm still here, thriving despite the setbacks. I still have that fire in me that I inherited from both you and Mom. My health has gone through ups and downs but I'm overall recovering. The car accident didn't feel me down for too long and I've been driving ever since I got my car back from the mechanic. You'd be proud of me for that. I know you were worried about me and my anxiety before you died but it's been better than it's been since I was a teenager. I've had moments of anxiety (and the darn antibiotics brought them back this past week) but I'm not letting it keep me down for long. Your little girl doesn't get easily scared nor does she quit.

Speaking of quitting, despite the academic setbacks, I've not quit that either. I'm returning to the SLP field. I was accepted to Utah State once again over the weekend. I should be graduating early next May. On your deathbed I promised you that I'd take care of Mom and since it's becoming quite clear that she's going to need to retire sooner than later, I've put my dreams of that Theology MA on the backburner in favor of a career as an SLPA. Isn't that what you and Mom taught me; that sometimes we need to make sacrifices for our family? Once I can get that going, I'll return to finish the other degree. I don't regret it nor am I upset at the sudden change of plans. They weren't what I had planned but God knows what He's doing. I know He is helping guide me down this journey of mine and for now I have to focus on this. :)

Not much else to report on. I'm that same content little girl you raised. Things don't always work out as I'd like them to and I do get down for a little while but I bounce back. I'm still incredibly silly when I'm with those whom I trust. I still carry myself the way you and Mom taught me to act. I hope you'd be proud of the woman I've grown up to be. I still feel like I'm growing but I think that's a never ending process.

I'm still single (I'm sure you'd appreciate that since my sister married so young, lol) but I'm happy. I know I have to be happy with myself by myself or else I'm going to place unrealistic expectations on the future fella and future family. I still think it's in the cards for me but not now. For whatever reason, I have to wait a bit longer and that's okay. One of the last things you said to me before you died was that you trusted my judgment when it came to relationships and that's something I continue to carry with me. Don't worry, I've got more than enough people willing to step in and check out (*cough*interrogate*cough*) potential candidates. Thank you for raising me with old fashioned values; it's helped me weed out jerks.

I still think about you all the time and you pop up in my dreams quite often, especially when I have an important decision weighing on my mind. I hope I can continue making you proud. I'll always remember the lessons you taught me (especially how to parallel park like a boss) and make sure I'm the best person I can be.

With love,