Giving Up For the Greater Good

Recently I had the opportunity to return to the career path I was on prior to my reversion. Over the last several weeks I seriously considered it. Little by little, the path appealed to me to the point where I couldn't see anything else that would be fulfilling, career-wise. It would allow me to use my creativity. I would have the opportunity to work with great people to bring to life an amazing project. The good things about my life pre-reversion were highlighted, forgetting the struggles and obstacles I came across that eventually made me leave that life.

About a week ago was when the excitement reached its height. It looked like it was going to happen... I even began telling a few of my closest friends about it. I began to drop little hints to other friends I trusted. The more I talked about it, the more it felt like I was committing to it. "I don't want to talk about it and eventually not do it," I told myself. "That would be disappointing and would make me look flaky and/or scared." Still, the more committed I felt to going through with it, the more distant I felt from the faith. I eventually told those I trusted more about it because I wasn't in a good place and I needed prayer.

I felt no peace while considering this career path. It gave me an emotional adrenaline which I can only describe as the feeling you get at the top of a rollercoaster prior to the big drop -- all nerves yet excitement as you wait to take that plunge. My mind raced with so many thoughts and ideas. My energy levels were indescribably high. There was an added element that I won't get into but let's just say that it played a big role in this whole thing.

I knew I was in trouble when I had to start hiding the fact that my faith has been a big part of my life for the past decade. Yes, you read that right. Not only was I trying to downplay being Catholic, I also felt like I wasn't fit to be a Catholic any longer. Without going into too many details, let's just say that a priest made me feel as if I were a lost cause; like there was no point in my being a Catholic any longer. I don't know whether I misinterpreted him or if he didn't communicate his ideas properly but it's been the second time in less than a year that he's played a role in my questioning and doubting my commitment to living my life as a faithful Catholic -- like I just don't have what it takes to try to reach Heaven.

During this journey, I've felt completely empty. I've felt so far from God and from the Church... well, you guys read the last blog post, right? It was nothing compared to how lonely and empty I eventually ended up feeling a couple of days after the last blog post. I felt like I hit rock bottom. Bl. Mother Teresa and St. Therese of Lisieux's dark nights of the soul kept coming to mind. I went to confession and Mass and that helped... for only that little while. The days following it, I felt worse. I've forced myself to keep praying even though I've felt like a robot going through the motions.

Over the last 2-3 days, I began to reconsider the decision to return to the field. There was something about it that wasn't sitting well with me. I began seeing that I was falling back into my old habits that caused me a lot of trouble and that I'd worked so hard to get rid post-reversion. My spiritual life, my heart, and my very soul were in danger. There's a reason why I left this life behind and I was being reminded of it.

The less I thought about returning to the path, the more at peace I felt. This morning I couldn't sleep (I only got 3 hours of sleep). I had too much on my mind. Thankfully my wingman was up super early as well and we talked about everything I was going through. He suggested I put the breaks on the project to see how I felt. A few hours later, I made the decision to walk away. I felt an inner peace when I decided to update friends on the decision.

I'm not saying that I'm never going to return to this career path but I'm not ready right now. I'm still too susceptible to the dangers (hidden and obvious) in the field. With how anemic my spiritual life has been lately, it would've potentially destroyed whatever is keeping me from giving up on being a faithful Catholic. Perhaps I needed to go through all of this to remind me of what I've gone through in the past decade (since it's been a decade since my reversion) and how much life has been better since I left my previous life behind. Perhaps all of this was meant to make me see that I truly don't ever want to return in case more tempting offers come along my way in the future. All I know is that I had to walk away from it to save myself. I gave up something I love (once again) in order for something greater -- the chance to potentially reach Heaven one day.

Intellectually, I know my goal is to reach Heaven but I'm still feeling empty. While I've felt a peace about letting go of that amazing opportunity I was considering, I still feel like I'm going through a dark night of the soul -- I still feel empty, alone, completely cut off from God and the Church. I know I shouldn't always listen to what I'm feeling because feelings can be false and trip you up which is why I'm still praying, albeit my sheer willpower because I have absolutely no desire to do it.

Thank you to all of you who've prayed for me thus far. If you can keep me in your prayers, I'd gladly appreciate it. I'm not sure how long all of this apathy and emptiness will last but I'm not ready to give up yet. Some days are harder than others. Some days I feel like giving up but I don't. For the record: when I talking about giving up, I'm talking about faith matters. I'm not suicidal or anything like that.

Alright, I'm going to go do something. I'm not sure what just yet, I just know I don't want to stay online for much longer.

I hope y'all have been well.

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :)

Grad School Decisions

No, your eyes do not deceive you... this is my third consecutive blog post and the 100th blog post for the year. Whoo! The last time I hit over 100 blog posts in a single year was 2013 and I'm two posts away from surpassing that number. We shall see if it can be done. ;)

First, I'm very happy to report that I was able to sleep decent hours last night after weeks of falling asleep at various times. I did take a 3 hour nap yesterday evening but it didn't affect my sleeping schedule at night. I got an additional 7 hours of sleep from 11:30 p.m. until 7:50 a.m. (with an hour and half up starting at about 3:30 a.m.). I'm used to getting up that early to drive mom to work and the habit hasn't gone away despite not having my car back yet. Still, this is normal hours for me and I'm stoked. I hope I can continue them over the next couple of days. :)

Second, I wanted to share with y'all my grad school decision since many of you have been helping by praying for clarity. After talking to some wonderful friends and doing the Christmas novena, I've decided to take the next quarter (winter) off and return in the spring. I was actually leaning towards not returning at all. My mind was almost entirely made up to abandon ship and start working. I just did not want to continue. It was going to be too much money for the degree. I had a really terrible 2 months. I loved my courses but my health had been affected.

On Christmas eve I had this profound moment of clarity, peace, and confidence regarding both my health and school situation (which were the two intentions of my Christmas novena). I had this moment in which the words "Do you trust Me? Keep going" popped up into my mind when I was chatting about my situation with a lovely friend, and I felt at peace.

I now understand what I can do differently in grad school in order to help prevent my health getting affected once again. I have a new gameplan that my doctor helped me create in order to get my health back into shape. I think I finally have my priorities in check (all credit goes to the Holy Spirit because I just couldn't see beyond what was in front of me for a long time) so, barring another series of unfortunate events, I should do well without compromising my health.

To my wingman (who was the first to suggest I take a quarter off before returning; he knows me a little too well, lol), my best gal friends, and other lovely friends helped me sort through this jumbled mess of thoughts over the last couple of days, either by listening to or praying for me, I wanted to say a massive "thank you!" I know I must've driven you guys crazy but you all played a huge part in helping me reach my decision; the moment of clarity was just an added bonus that gave me confidence that I was doing the right thing even when the right thing still makes me doubt at times. Maybe that's why St. Joseph is currently in the lead of the 2016 patron saint poll, eh? lol.

Anyway, I should go and get my surprise for mom ready since she gets home in a little over 2 hours and it's going to take me almost that long to get everything done. :D

I hope y'all are enjoying the second day of Christmas. Ain't no party like a Catholic party because a Catholic party goes on for several days on earth and doesn't stop in Heaven. Am I right? ;)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Grad School Blues

Grad school and I have had a bumpy start for several reasons. First, I was hit with incredibly debilitating physical fatigue. Seriously, I sleep until 11 a.m. to noon most days because I'm so exhausted. I have no idea where this is coming from. I'm not pale enough to think it's anemia once again and I'm not bruising anywhere so I doubt it's low platelets again. We have a theory that it's because I've been cooped up in the house for so long. Well, that's mom's theory. I just think my body is out of whack due to the stress I've been experiencing lately. No, not school stress; just other personal stresses that have come up lately. Either way, I lose prime studying/reading time because it's so hard for me to wake up some mornings.

Then another bump in the road and it was something I couldn't control. I was on top of the readings and everything... and then the lecture videos had glitches for almost an entire week. That pushed things back and disrupted the awesome study flow I had going on. This is not good for me since I do best when I stick to my schedule. Not only that, no one warned me that grad school is a lot less structured than undergrad or, really, most of my academic experience. No deadlines on exams? Only deadlines on research papers? Whaaaat?! Does not compute!

I like having a bit of structure, especially when it comes to academia. I like deadlines because I can easily get distracted and procrastinate. I do my best work under deadlines... well, as long as there's a little wiggle room for anything that may come up. I think I just like having those goals. There's something very satisfying about crossing things off of a to-do list... and I can't really do that right now. I mean, I can -- I can give myself deadlines -- but it's not the same because I can find excuses to put it off "just one more day," you know? Sometimes it's not hard for me to work under self-imposed deadlines... but with everything else going on, it's hard.

I've been going through some majorly confusing things in my personal life. My mom's going through something that we never anticipated we'd have to deal with and it's been hard for me to see it unfold. I feel almost helpless in this particular situation and it's dampened my spirits quite a bit. It's made me feel very angry. I'm sure those closest to me are surprised at how upset I've been (even when I haven't shown it)... and how long it's lasted since I usually get over things pretty quickly. I have a sneaking suspicion that this is what's been taking a toll on me, physically.

On top of that, I had something else that came up which threw me for a loop. It was quite unexpected and it took me days to sort through. The good news is that this particular thing is actually pretty exciting (in a way) but it was still incredibly distracting nonetheless. I had to make some big decisions that took me out of my comfort zone. I actually tried to put it off for a couple of days but it just distracted me from concentrating on school work. After a solid heart-to-heart talk with mom about my fears and worries, I'm at peace with my decision. I know I'm still going to bring up at my next spiritual direction meeting because it's one of those decisions that is going to change a lot of things for me. That's basically all I can say about this... for now, at least. Prayers for this (as well as for mom's situation) would be greatly appreciated.

As you can see... lots going on. I've been trying to do little things for myself -- like working on an autumn-themed jigsaw puzzle and re-reading Anne of Green Gables before bedtime -- but I'm still exhausted and I can't concentrate most days. I feel so horrible for not being as "on top" of things regarding school as I was the first week but there's been so much going on. It's a miracle that I'm still functioning like a human being. A very tired, sleepy one but one that hasn't had a panic attack, thank goodness. Not the best way to start grad school but if I can survive this, the rest of my time at JP Catholic will be great. :)

I'm just rambling on at this point. I'm going to help myself to some freshly baked French bread and a cup of tea before I dive back into making sure I'm on top of my coursework.

I hope everyone is doing well and that y'all have a great weekend. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

The End of the SLP vs Theology Roller Coaster Ride

Your eyes don't deceive you, this is an actual (new) blog post. Hooray! lol. Sorry about the almost two week "cone of silence." I had a couple of major exams to do and last week was my busiest week of the semester (I lost track of how many assignments were due in the span of 4 days) so I spent my week studying, finishing my research paper, and completing the rest of my assignments. To say that I'm mentally exhausted at this point would be somewhat accurate. I was actually much more tired at the end of last week but I have a very easy week this week so I'm getting my second wind, academia-wise.

I had some major decisions to make during the past two weeks, mainly having to do with academic and career paths. As many of you know, I've been considering finishing out this semester and leaving the COMD program because of how stressful it's been and how it's affected my health. My weight is back down to the underweight range and the anxiety I worked hard to get under control over the summer has returned. It's just not a pretty picture. The anxiety has been manageable (thanks be to God) but I'm not sure how much longer I'll be able to keep it from turning into a full blown panic attack.

I'll admit, I had a good cry two weekends ago. I was so overwhelmed and I felt so pressured that I felt I had reached my breaking point. I couldn't listen to the recorded lecture of a particular professor without crying. I'd been bottling up the majority of my stress for so many weeks that I just needed the release... and my usual method of release is to have a good cry. I cried, went to bed early, and woke up feeling better. I think the reason for that was because I decided to leave everything in God's hands.

Have you ever worked so hard on something (giving it more than you've ever given anything else) to have that thing not work out for you? That's kind of the boat I'm in right now. I've worked hard in this program (sometimes not eating and/or sleeping because of how much needs to be done) and to be barely passing the courses is kind of a blow. Unfortunately, I'm not the only one in this program who is going through it. I've spoken to a number of my classmates and they're also experiencing this crushing blow to their self-esteems (their words, not mine) during the semester. Many of us want to leave the program because of issues we're having either with professors or the classes themselves. Please pray for us all!

... and now I've gotten off track. The decision of leaving everything in God's names and not worrying about things is taking a lot of pressure and stress off of me. I had my chat with Him in Adoration last Friday and I'm at peace with having a plan B and a plan C in case the SLP path doesn't work out for me. After all, I'm not going to be doing what I want but what He wants of me; His will, not mine.

Plan A is to continue (and finish) this program if I pass this semester... and I'm going to need a lot of prayers as I heard one course next semester is the hardest in the program. Upon completion the program, I'll be finishing the rest of my fieldwork hours (a total of 110 are necessary in the state of CA) through an accredited school and then applying for my license as soon as I finish them. I'll work for a little bit before applying to grad school for my Theology M.A.

Plan B: If I don't pass a class or two this semester, I'll be leaving the COMD program at USU. It's not worth the stress or the $ I'm paying to have to re-do certain classes with certain professors. If this happens, I could possibly take the Spring semester off and apply to grad schools for my Theology M.A. I've already been in contact with a couple of schools so I'm prepared to take that route if I need to earlier than originally planned.

Plan C: If I want to continue the SLP path (and I feel like I should, despite everything), the plan is to apply for entrance at a local community college that is accredited by the state to get all the fieldwork hours and the rest of my courses completed before I can apply for my license. The only downside to this is that it would take me an extra year or so to complete as the program at the local CC is different than USU's and thus has different requirements. I'd be applying for my Theology M.A. after a brief academic break to work.

As you can see, I'm still pursuing my Theology M.A. no matter what happens. When I (briefly) considered taking a leave of absence this semester and considered going straight to grad school next autumn, I felt at peace. Just thinking that I'll eventually go for my Theology M.A. makes me incredibly happy. I once thought I wouldn't go down the teaching route but I've had a change of heart.

If I learned anything from this program (other than homegirl can handle so much more stress than I thought possible), it's that I work well with children and I love teaching them. I tutored after graduation (for my first BA) and I've work with children for my labs and observation hours for this program and I absolutely love it. I definitely have the patience to teach (SLP is, in a weird way, all about teaching as well) and I'm a big kid at heart so it's a good fit for me. I'm also open to working in youth ministry (yes, I can feel some of you cringing but I don't care). The bottom point is that I feel like I'm meant to work with youth (either children or teenagers). Whether that will be in the SLPA or Theology fields remains to be seen.

So... there you have it. That's the end of the SLP vs Theology roller coaster ride. I should also say that I'm also open to working in the "Theology" field is the opportunity presents itself before I finish either program. I know I'm meant to work in the field so it's really up to God when He thinks I'm ready for it. SLP has always been a small detour to getting there. God is in control and I have absolutely no problem letting Him guide my path.

Even though I'm a lot less "must ace everything... must ace everything..." than I was prior to these decisions, I am still giving the rest of the semester / program all my best so I need to go study for my upcoming Audiology exam this Friday. Prayers, please? Thank you in advance!

And that's all for now. I need to go pick up mom from work, then finish cleaning the house, and then doing the lectures for Audiology. I will try to blog again before the week ends. :)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

The Fear of Not Being Holy; Having a Secular Job

I've been stressing over the whole grad school situation for several weeks now. I keep going back and forth for many reasons but mostly because of fear and because I don't know what God's will for me is. In a sense, I am currently pretty aimless and I don't like it.

I've been chatting with many friends about my current situation because that's how I think best: talking and getting feedback. Most friends just listen and say "trust God" (which, no offense, but I am getting tired of hearing because it makes me feel like I'm a horrible person who doesn't already trust God). Some try to "steer me" (which feels a lot like forcing me) to go one way or another. When I vented (sorry!) to Julie about how stressed I was and how I felt pushed by some to pursue what they thought was best for me, she said some things (which will remain between her and I) that made realize something: I think I'm afraid of having a "secular" (read: not in a Catholic atmosphere) job because I think it'll somehow drag me away from God and from my wish to be as holy as possible.

I think this goes back to my time at the CINO college. I was in a "Catholic" place but it might as well been secular with the things that were taught (and not taught). The time between my father's death in 2009 and graduation day last year were some of the lowest points in my spiritual life. I went numb for almost an entire year after my father passed... and then I was surrounded by people who were actively trying to destroy orthodoxy with their heresies and blasphemies. It drove me to want to do something about it but I didn't (and still don't) know how. Teaching was an option... except that speaking in front of crowds makes me feel sick and I don't think I'm quite cut out to teach children that aren't my own as I have a fear of misguiding them with my lack of knowledge.

Since I've returned to the Church, 7 years ago, I've never imagined myself having a "secular" job -- one that wasn't somehow connected to the Church. Teaching was an option I never wanted. Being a Director of Religious Education is an option as well but I don't want that kind of leadership role (trust me, I'm a team-player / behind the scenes kind of gal). There are other options as well but none of them are really feasible for myself and my situation. I have my mother to take care of; her declining health is something that I can't push aside so that I can do what I want. Since she will seemingly retire early, it will be my job to provide for the two of us (especially if I never marry; more on this later). More fear of not being able to survive sets in, though I know God has always managed to get us out of financial scrapes.

And here's the second fear: I fear that if I do Speech-Language Pathology instead of Theology will make me a bad person because I would be choosing a career path that would help us financially and would potentially cut my off spiritually. THAT is where my biggest fear lies. When I first considered doing SLP, I didn't know what the salary was. I saw my good friend having problems finding a speech therapist for her son and it inspired me to look into it. Once money came into the picture, it made me start doubting myself; it made me think that I was doing it for the money and that scared the heck out of me.

Want to know what's been causing me stress the past couple of weeks? You just found out.

All of that has been swirling around in my mind for weeks and then wonderful Julie reminded me that being a speech therapist was a noble career. I love children and I want to help them so why not do it in a way that I best utilizes my gifts? I'm good one-on-one (better than in groups). I apparently have some sort of superhuman patience (lol). Even when I'm at the worst (anxiety, sick, etc), children make me push it all aside and focus on the good. I am reminded of how much I want to help people when I see someone who needs it. Nowhere in this way of thinking (which I had no problem with until the last couple of weeks) does money come into play. Julie helped remind me remember why I had chosen their career path and why I had pushed an MA in Theology aside. I may get it in the future but I am not sure this is the right path for me now... much to the disappointment of many people.

I wonder if the Enemy put this doubt into my mind; that I was doing it for the wrong reasons and that having a good paying job - which is not an easy job; lots of hard work - would somehow make me less holy. I wouldn't put it past him.

One more thing before I end this uber long post (sorry!): I can always find ways to incorporate my faith into my life while having a "secular" job. I still do intend to join a Third Order (the Carmelites are currently in the lead for this one, closely followed by the Dominicans). If I am able to, I do want to return to my daily Mass schedule before work (which I've seen many hospital workers do). If I do get married and have children, I will be able to teach them and pass along my beautiful faith to them. Who knows, maybe when I finally get my time management skills down pat, I could do some volunteer parish work. If people like St. Gianna Beretta Molla and Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati could chose paths that didn't have them working within a church setting and they still managed to lead holy lives, why can I attempt to do the same?

Anyway, this is all super long and I haven't had a proper lunch (though it is closer to dinner time) so I'm going to see what I can find to munch on while I plan dinner.

I hope y'all are having a good weekend thus far. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless. :D

I'm at a Crossroads: Religion or Writing?

Image: jscreationzs / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I'm currently at a sort of crossroads. With the California Student Aid Commission being jerks about my Cal Grant (I SHOULD be eligible for one more year as I've only received 3 years worth of Cal Grants AND I'm one of the students that actually needs the money as I have none to pay for school), I've been forced to think about what I'm going to do when I graduate from college in less than a year. Okay, looming graduation date and Graduate School applications are also making me think about it. It takes me a while to really consider everything before applying to schools as I take my education seriously.

Lately (as in the past couple of weeks) I've been feeling as if I'm not meant to pursue a Master of Arts in Religious Studies or Theology. Have I ever mentioned that I always dreamed about going to the University of British Columbia (UBC) to study Creative Writing? Maybe it's because I've been so disillusioned with my undergraduate Religious Studies education or because I've been stifling my love of writing for something more practical (teaching Religion). Maybe it's this nagging feeling that I should be in Vancouver (which I've had for nearly 5 years; it started almost at the same time I returned to the Church) or maybe it's my undying desire to attend UBC. I don't know. All I know is that a Master's in Religion or Theology is not currently appealing... and I feel like I'm going to need major guidance soon.

I've been getting a lot of older women (and occasionally men) come to me for questions regarding Catholicism. It's kind of weird that in my neighborhood I've kind of become the "go-to" person to ask. An older lady from a couple of blocks away asked me to teach her how to pray the Rosary (after word of mouth from neighbors) and I gladly help with these things. I don't think I'm qualified to help with many things and try to direct them to the right people for the heavier things but I answer whatever questions I can. I refuse to get paid for it though I've been offered. Sharing my faith and my love of Catholicism is something I love to do without asking anything in return. It's when I answer questions others may have that I am most happiest and it makes me re-think the Master's in Theology but deep down I don't feel it. Again, I don't know if it's the disillusionment of my current education, if it's my selfish desire to attend UBC and focus on writing, or if I'm just scared that I just am not qualified enough teach Religion.

I'll admit that I occasionally feel like some sort of fraud. I feel like I know so little that I should not even offer my opinions on certain theological issues that come into conversation. All I know is that I love God, I love our wonderful religion and the beautiful heritage we have. I'm happiest when I'm praying, contemplating, and learning. I cannot get enough of learning about Catholicism but I'm always "still learning." I'm miles behind most of my friends but that's okay.

With writing... it's always felt like a natural extension of who I am. For me to write what's on my mind is like breathing. My best friend growing up, Rudy, recognized it from an early age. We've been friends since we were 5 years old and I can still remember that he'd give me notebooks and pens for my birthday as a gift. He did that until I turned 18 and he moved away with his own dream of entering the Marines. When he still calls, he asks me if I'm still writing and I assure him that I am.

Needless to say, I have no clue as to what to do next. I can either continue my love of learning about Catholicism (and this time at an actual Catholic university, not a CINO) or if I should just pursue my dream of writing for a living. Of course, I can always write about Catholicism and thus do both but I'd need to learn more about the Faith before being able to do so. I don't know. I have a lot to think about.

If y'all can say a little prayer for me (either about these decision or maybe finding a way to fight Cal Grant so I can receive it my final year), I'd greatly appreciate it.

Anyway, I'm still not feeling all that great so I'm going to take it easy. :) Maybe I'll watch a movie and try to take my mind off of all of this for a little bit. I hope y'all are having a good start of week! :)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!