Confession: I'm Angry.

I thought a picture of Mr. Darcy unhappy really suited this post.

Ready for another confession? I've been feeling very upset and detached the last couple of days... and I have no idea why. Well, I have a theory but I don't know if this is the cause for why it's hard for me to do things. See, I've realized that I get this way shortly after something major happens and I wonder if I get in this really bad funk because I am going through these milestones without my dad with me.

I was fine up until yesterday when "everything that could go wrong" has gone wrong. I think the excitement of graduation has worn off and it's been replaced with many things (feelings) that were out of my mind until recently since I now have time to actually think about them. I'm stressed about finding a job because we're currently a one income family and it's hard on us. I haven't been attending daily Mass though I now have the time. I haven't really been praying though I should. I try but it's almost like I'm forcing myself to and that gets me upset. I've been feeling really upset about several things as well. The littlest things annoy the heck out of me... and this is really out of character for me. But, like I said, I've noticed that this usually happens around major milestones -- birthdays, (now) graduation, anniversaries, etc. I never had this problem until my dad passed away... and really, not this bad (ever) so that is why I'm thinking that this is the cause.

I don't think I'll ever get past being upset that my dad passed away so soon. I still blame the doctor he had for his rapid decline. Seriously, something really fishy happened and we got no answers. Every birthday I've had since he passed away has been hard. His birthdays are hard and I'm in a funk the day before, of, and after. The day of his death (3 years on July 11th though it doesn't feel that long), I just want to be left alone and not talk to anyone. I grew up either bottling up emotions or getting them out through writing since I didn't have anyone to talk to so I mostly write and vent this way. This is sort of how I've been feeling lately.

I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to do anything. I just want to sit in my room, listen to music, and read. As I said, it started yesterday and it usually lasts anywhere between two to three days so I hope it is out of my system by tomorrow... but it's still hard. Of course I'll go to confession tomorrow and talk to my spiritual adviser (who is also my mom's first spiritual adviser -- that bit makes me feel so proud of her) because I feel completely closed off.

The day of my graduation I felt like crying... all day long. I kept clutching the locket that contained my dad's picture. It was his biggest dream to see me graduate and for him to not be there just seemed to be very unfair. He used to drive me to Santa Monica College my freshman year of college because that it where I wanted to go. We would spend an average of 2 hours trying to get there (despite not living too far) and another two trying to get get back home and he never complained because he knew that that was what I wanted. This was at a time when my anxiety was so bad that we never knew if I'd last too long in the classroom. Up until the April before he passed away, he used to drive me to my classes and would actually wait for me, in the car, until I was ready to go home. It was a lot of sacrificing on his part. I guess I'm just angry that he wasn't able to be there, next to my mom, and see me walk across the stage. He didn't get to see his hard work pay off nor did I get a chance to personally thank him for everything he did for me. I couldn't hug and kiss him and tell him how grateful I was and am. All that goes through my mind is, "it's not fair."

I'm actually crying as I type this out but it's good; I'm getting it all out of my system. I don't like feeling angry or detached. In a weird way, I feel like it's not who I am and that makes me unhappy. Like I said earlier, these feelings that I'm experiencing are quite out of character for me. I don't normally get this mad and when I do get mad, I can usually get over it in a couple of minutes. I tend to let go of the negative feelings pretty quickly but it's been hard these past two days.

Anyway, just wanted to get it out. It's unhealthy to keep emotions bottled up. See? I'm not all rainbows and sunshine all the time... though I do laugh when I hear it because I'm usually pretty mellow and/or silly. Perhaps it's time that I spent some time in prayer, asking for St. Jerome's intercession. Yes, he's who you ask when you have an anger problem/issue. Although mine might seem mild to others on the outside, it's really distressing and distracting me.

I hope y'all are doing well. Oh, and if you have anything I can offer up my anger for, please let me know. I might as well use it for good. :)

That's it for now. As always, thanks for reading and God bless!

I Have a Confession to Make; Challenge Week.

I have a confession to make. I haven't been writing because I've had serious writer's block. It's not just blogging but writing in general. I think I got so burnt out this semester (a 53 page Thesis in addition to all the other papers and take home exams) that I will prefer to play a game, read, listen to music, and watch movies instead of writing. Also, there is the issue of my not wanting to write some crummy stuff that have kept me from posting the many blog entries I've started but have not finished.

I want to finish my novel this summer and look into self-publishing it. It's been on hold for so long because of school that I sometimes forget that it's not done. I also want to blog daily if I can but it's starting to feel more like a chore than something for myself. I feel like people expect these really killer posts, something that will make an impact, and that puts a lot of pressure on me. As stated before, this blog is really like my own personal journal... that I just happen to share with hundreds of people. I don't write everything but I write what I feel like sharing. Sometimes people expect me to write some groundbreaking story happening in the Catholic world and are disappointed with my ramblings. Again (I often have to write this for a reason), I started this blog as a way to hold myself accountable for the progress I am making as a Catholic. I still have my ups and downs (like I'm currently struggling getting up in the mornings to go to daily Mass) and that is what I want to write about. I have gotten a taste of writing more academic things (such as my Thesis... which I hope to make available - at least part of it - as soon as I get the okay) and I like doing that but this blog is for a completely different purpose.

I was watching one of my favorite Youtubers, Charlie McDonnell, talking about his mid-life crisis week project and I was inspired to do the same. Here is the video so you can watch it for yourself:

A lot of what he said was exactly how I felt and I saw his week worth of videos and it seems like a good idea. So, borrowing the idea from Charlie, I have decided to blog every day for a week. If I feel truly stumped (as in, the well of ideas feels dry) I will write just a little paragraph. I think I may even have to dive into some (normally) off-limits topics if I'm desperate enough. lol.

Anyway, just letting you guys know ahead of time. It's no longer about writing what I feel pressured writing but once again writing for myself and sharing the content with the world. If you want something that is updated more frequently and/or is a little more visual and sillier, feel free to check out my twitter or tumblr. Okay then... let's do this!

I hope y'all are having a great week thus far. :)

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless.

I'm Officially a College Graduate.

Yesterday was my graduation ceremony... and it was a completely bittersweet experience. Don't get me wrong, I am beyond thrilled that I am done at the CINO college! I mean, I will be as soon as I get my Thesis back to do the editing. No, I still haven't gotten it back... but neither have ANY of the Religious Studies majors (there were a total of five of us yesterday, though only three showed up). 

The only regret-like feelings I have about my time at that school is not spending more time with the girls who have become good friends over the last two years. I won't get to see them at least twice a week anymore. Grad School and/or work will have everyone busy so seeing them won't be as easy. I've already made it a goal to have lunch with them (either together or individually) at least once a month while we still can. I don't know where I'll end up going to Grad School (at this point it's looking like I'm most likely heading out of state next year) so I'm going to try to see them while we all have a chance. Besides this, and not spending my time studying (I truly am an academic nerd), there is nothing I will miss about attending this school.

I will not miss the 4-6 a.m. wake up times just to get to class on time. I will not miss the hour to three hour commute to and from the campus despite living a couple of miles away. If you live in L.A., you know what a pain the 405 is in the morning... and most of the day. I won't miss the dirty looks from professors. I won't miss the mud slinging the professors do at the Church,  the Pope, and priests. I won't miss feeling angry, nauseous, and/or sad whenever my classmates and/or professors try to pass some liberal theology off as "Catholic" when it's clearly against Church teachings.

While waiting in line, before we walked into the amphitheater (yes, the school had to rent out an amphitheater to fit us and our families in... and even then it was packed), I met and spoke to a fellow Religious Studies grad. She was not part of the traditional B.A. program so that is why I hadn't met her before. I spent a good hour talking about our experience as a Religious Studies major... and it was quite similar. She did not appreciate what we were "taught" and was anxious to get out. She had professors whose theology was off and while she knew what the true Church teaching were, she was still "wrong" because she was the student and the professor was superior in knowledge to her. She also couldn't get a hold of her Thesis adviser and had to do editing over the summer despite finishing early. Sound familiar? One thing she said has (and will remain) stuck in me: despite our negative experiences, our love of God and our faith has strengthened and there's no "going back." She's a bit older than I am (with grown kids) so she was lamenting on how my generation views religion and spirituality. I told her about my Thesis and how there are some of us who are trying to combat it... and this just invigorated my desire to keep going forward.

I still don't know how I'm going to do it but I know that God has given me a gift that I can use to help others. God has blessed me with love and patience to spare as well as the ability to speak to those who are younger and make them understand certain things. Though I don't think a traditional classroom setting is right for me (my heart nor my mind are in it), I know that working with young adults, teenagers, and kids is where my gifts will be best used. I've often told God, especially when I'm kneeling in front of the tabernacle, that everything I do is and will be done for Him and not for myself. Now that I'm officially out of school, it's time to really show that.

Beyond walking into the graduation ceremony, having my name called (and turning bright red and hurrying off the stage as quickly as I could; I am not big on having attention on myself), and leaving early, the ceremony was a blur. I remembered holding my locket (in which I placed a picture of my dad) and saying "I promised you I would finish, and I did." I remember talking to my friends before we went in. I remember seeing my family and friends afterwards. I also remember getting hugged by my music professor (seriously) as she walked in with the rest of the professors. Beyond that, all I could think of was how excited I was and how grateful I was to God for everything I'd endured and for getting to that point.

I don't know what the future holds, what my first job out of college will be, or where I will be in a year's time, but I have full faith in God and know He will point me in the right direction. For the first time in my life, I don't have a plan for the future (well, besides hopefully starting Grad School next year) and I'm okay with that.

Anyway, that's it for now. I'm going to try to post daily now that I have the time to actually write.

A massive THANK YOU to each and every one of you who prayed for me throughout my journey through the CINO college. I appreciate it more than you know.

I hope you are all having a great start of week and will have a great rest of week. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless. :D

Oh Snap, It's Finally Happened...

Yes, Eleventh Doctor, I'll get to it as soon as I'm done with this post. ;)

A few things have finally happened and it's making me both nervous and excited. 

First: it FINALLY hit me that I'm basically done with my undergrad career. It wasn't until my Harlem Renaissance professor reminded us that this week is our last week of classes (next week is finals week) that it really hit me. I'm done. I'm done? I'm done! Of course I still have finals to do and a couple more assignments that are due this week but I don't have other major things to do. I'm going to miss homework and learning... but not the school. As I'm writing this post, I am simultaneously chatting with friends on Facebook about how unhappy my time at this school has been.

Of course, I don't have to tell y'all that; you've all read more than enough posts about my experience at the CINO school. I will miss some professors (like my Harlem Renaissance and College Algebra professors) who actually believed in and encouraged me. Come to think of it... besides the aforementioned professors and my Western Literature/Norse Mythology professor, I didn't have much support from the others. And to sum up my experience with two current issues: two weeks later and I have NOT heard from my Thesis adviser about any changes to my Thesis before the deadline... and the semester ends next week. Prior to that I tried to contact her for a month and a half but she claimed to have not received any of my emails. Also, my mother attended a school concert with me last week (as it was mandatory and she wanted out of the house for a couple of hours)... and she personally witnessed how poorly I am treated by professors. One of them gave me the stink eye and was overall not nice. At least now I have witnesses to rudeness I experience.

Second: Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati, St. Therese of Lisieux, and St. Jude Thaddeus -- just a general shout out to my heavenly buddies who helped me make it through my two year journey at that school. Without their intercessions, I don't think I would've come out relatively sane. I've had friends drop out and/or transfer out because of the mistreatment we receive if we aren't in agreement with their beliefs... which are mostly against Church teachings too. Of course. If this isn't proof that prayer and hard work pays off, I don't know what does.

Third: I just realized that I am finally getting thrown out into "the real world." That is a bit scary, especially being aware of how scarce jobs are. There are a few jobs within the L.A. Archdiocese that I am going to apply for but most of them ask for either a Master's degree or extra experience which I don't have. However, I am a fast learner and I am passionate about my faith so I'm sure that God will open the right door for me. My biggest anxiety inducer is the uncertainty of it all. I don't know how soon I'll be able to start working or if I'll have to look elsewhere. And, of course I will be going for my Master's degree in a year but still it's completely odd for me not to be in school taking at least one class.

Fourth: (my, I do love making lists, don't I? lol) Despite all my venting, I have come to the conclusion that I am grateful for everything that's happened. Yes, I'm even grateful for all the humiliation, crying, and panic attacks I experienced this semester from my music professors. I truly believe that every negative thing is a character builder and thus I am glad that I experienced them. I feel like I'm coming out of this experience a lot more confident than when I went in. I also feel stronger in my faith and beliefs. The passion I felt about sharing my faith with younger members of this generation (children to those starting college) had gone out for a while shortly after my father died but it has reignited... and Lord help the person who dares talk smack about my beloved God, Pope Benedict XVI or Roman Catholic Church because I have no qualms about sticking up for any of them.

Anyway, just wanted to write all of this out before I get busy with schoolwork. I have a chance to get all but one of my finals completed by Sunday of this week so I am going to definitely attempt to do it. :D OH! And if any of you have prayer intentions, let me know so I can offer up the next two weeks for them. Doesn't matter what the prayer intention is nor do you have to tell me what it is, just let me know that you have one and I'll write it down in my notebook so that I can get everyone's intentions in. :D

And since it is Monday here's a song that I wanted to share. It's called "Pray about Everything" by Luke Bryan. Yes, it's a country song. Raise your hand if you did not see that coming. lol.

 

Alright, I'm off to do homework. I hope y'all have a great week!

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless! :D

 

Reconciling Cultural Differences

Yes, that is me when I was about 4 years old. So stinkin' cute, wasn't I? lol.

I rarely really talk about my home life because I'm notoriously private about it (as well as my relationships) but I've been wanting to write about this for a while.

As some of you may know, I'm Mexican-Spanish American... with just a smidge of Irish thrown in for good measure. (side note: if you didn't know, there's quite a large number of Irish Mexicans still living in Mexico to this day, especially in Durango where my paternal family is from.) Though I will admit that I identify myself as Catholic first and Mexican-Spanish-Irish American second, it's still obviously a big part of who I am. What I eat, how I act, what I say... it's all influenced by my heritage. For the record, what I write it based on how I was brought up and does not mean it's like this for everyone.

I raised with very traditional Mexican values. Family comes first. The eldest member of the family takes care of the parents as they age. Women typically stay with their parents until they marry. You obey your parents and you do not dare disrespect your elders. To this day, I still call those who are older than me "Mister", "Missus", "Sir", and "Ma'am"... and never by their first name (unless asked and even then it's weird for me to do so). Up until I was 19, I had to ask permission from my father to go out. Sacrifice for the family is second nature to us. The seven years and three battles with cancer that my father had, I helped take care of him. Minutes before my father passed away nearly three years ago (I can't believe how fast that's flown!), I promised him that I would take care of my mother. Because I am my mother's only child (she lost a son and daughter before I was born), it is my unspoken duty to take care of her. Since I am still unmarried, I obviously still live at home. Whatever income I have goes into helping pay for the bills and food. I have the traditional "house maker" duties since I'm currently studying and don't have a full-time job and because my mother does work... a lot. I don't mind. Lately though, I've been struggling with a couple of things regarding what is expected of me.

Without going into a lot of detail, I have been having trouble reconciling the American and Mexican parts of myself. I like living at home but sometimes I want my space... and I don't always get it. If you have a Hispanic mama, it's almost guaranteed that you will always be treated like you are still a young child. In our American culture, as soon as you are a teenager (or at least 18), you gain some independence. It's a little harder to do so when your parents are from a different culture. My mother grew up here in Los Angeles so she is a little less strict than my father was but still... what she says is law in this house.

As I head into my late twenties (next month... can I stop getting older now?) it's getting harder for me to be okay with certain things. Being kept track of when I'm out? Not a fan. Having moments where I am told not to do something because it's "too hard" for me... and thus making me feel like I'm being underestimated? Not a fan. Having "well, I'm your mother and I know what's best for you"... when you know it's actually not the best advice? Not a fan. Having my mother bring up the fact that I'm the age that I am and that I'm still unmarried and without children... on a daily basis? REALLY not a fan. Yes, this is also a typical Hispanic mama thing to do -- asking your grown children (especially daughters) when they'll settle down and make them grandmothers. On top of that, and bringing in the biggest part of myself (the Catholic side), I am trying to figure out what's worse - not doing what I am asked to do by my mother and thus disobeying a parent (i.e. lying - which I have an absolute hatred toward) or doing what I am asked knowing that what I get asked is a horrible sin.

Before anyone starts in about how I'm a grown woman and I should be making my own decisions without my mother's interference, blah blah blah... yes, I know that. But, unlike some of you, I've both grown up faster AND slower than the majority... and I've had two different cultures tell me different things at the same time. I didn't have much of a childhood in the sense that I've had to take care of my parents from a young age (since I was about 11 years old). I grew up quick that way. I taught myself how to cook and wash dishes when I was a little girl. I pulled my weight around the house because it was only the three of us until my father passed away. After my father passed away, I assumed some of his responsibilities. The Hispanic side is okay with this. Then we have the American side, which tells me that I should be more independent and that I have a "right" to have my own space since I contribute to this household. That is followed by the criticism by others that I am too dependent on my mother and that I have been too "over-protected" and that I'm too "innocent" for my age. I think this is simply because they don't understand that I was raised with values from a different culture nor do they know what's really going on.

The problem for me is that I look at both sides and I get where each side is good... but I still can't reconcile them. I love how I was raised. I think my parents did a great job with me, especially considering that it was in a low-income, crime infested neighborhood where I had no real role models outside of the house. I think I turned out pretty decent. I love the Mexican side of myself (which I identify myself with more than Spanish and slightly more than Irish). I love the culture and the values. At the same time, I prefer some things that are more prevalent in American culture... mostly, being treated like an adult as soon as you're of age and being more independent. I GET that I'm a full grown young woman and that I can make my own decisions, but I feel like that would be too selfish of me (on occasion) and that it doesn't feel right because it wasn't how I was raised.

See, there we are. I keep going back and forth on this issue. I've talked to some of the girls of the #Cathsorority and I've found that this is a surprisingly common issues, especially amongst us who have Hispanic families, so I wanted to share my dilemma. I don't think either side is right; I just have to figure out how to make sure I can successfully incorporate them and use them for good.

Okay, I think that's enough divulging. lol. I still have to read to prepare myself for tomorrow's classes. :)

Anyway, I hope y'all are having a great week thus far. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless!