American vs Mexican Mentalities: Living at Home

One of today's Verily articles (The Five Lies Twentysomethings Need to Stop Believing) got me thinking about something that I have to sometimes explain to others because they don't understand -- living at home. "Lie #3" on the article states that one of the lies that 20-somethings tell themselves is that they have to be completely independent and that moving away from move and dad is actually an American idea, which I agree with -- being an American idea and feeling the pressure to not live at home as soon as you're 18-21.

The idea of my still living at home at 30 seems wrong to an awful lot of people... and almost all of these people are American. People are legitimately horrified when they find out that I intend to stay at home until I marry. However, this isn't a big deal for me because of one big reason: that's not how I was raised. Despite being born and bred in Los Angeles, I was raised with a Hispanic mentality when it comes to many things, living situation included. Old fashioned Mexican father + modern (Hispanic) American mother = modern me with old fashioned values.

In Mexico (and I'm basing this on what I've seen from my family and how my dad was raised) a young woman lives at home with her family until she marries. If she doesn't marry or becomes a religious sister, she stays at home with the parents until they pass. It doesn't matter if she's well educated and has her own income, the family stays together until marriage enters the picture. That's the mentality I grew up with. Despite having enough funds to live on my own (or with roommates) at a young age, I chose to live at home because the importance of family was instilled in me.

My father was first diagnosed with cancer when I was 17 years old. He went through 3 battles of colon cancer from the time I was 17 until he passed a month after I turned 24. Out of those 7 years, he was in remission for 4 years. I could've gone to study in the UK (I practically had my bags packed to attend Bath Spa University when I was 20-21) but I chose not to because I know how much my parents needed me here. Despite having people encouraging me to apply to top universities (the idea of attending Oxford was briefly on my radar thanks to a literature professor), the sense of responsibility kept me here. After my dad passed away, I had an even bigger reason to stay at home.

There is one more thing that I've seen cause a bigger scandal: the fact that I fully intend to have my mother nearby after I marry. It goes back to the Mexican culture mentality that someone in the family takes in their parents as they age. Usually, either the oldest or the youngest child takes in the aging parents to take care of them. Being my mother's only child, it will fall on me to take care of her... and it's something that I have no problem doing.

Despite knowing my sense of familial duty (which I appreciate; I do believe it's important to treat your parents with respect, even when there are conflicts), my "American side" sometimes craves its independence, especially when life isn't exactly rosy. Living at home isn't easy, even if it's just mom and I. My very extroverted mother's ways often clashes with my very introverted ways. We communicate differently. She's very open and says what's on her mind, no matter how much someone will not like it. I'm very reserved and will be careful with how I phrase things to avoid hurt feelings. You cannot get more opposite than her and I... but we balance each other out and we love and respect each other, which is what matters. That's why I still get up at 4:30 a.m. to drive mom to work, even when we're not seeing eye-to-eye on something; love and respect for her despite tiffs.

There are moments when I think about the future -- especially about what will happen once (if) I marry since I do want to take care of my mom as she gets older. One thing I've noticed about this country is that older people often get stuck in convalescent hospitals (I should know; my mom's worked in them for over 40 years) or senior living if they're alone/widowed. You cannot imagine how many times I've heard of patients being forgotten about by their children at the convalescent hospital where mom works... only to have their children show up again once the patient has passed away. That seems terribly off and backwards to me because it's because it's not how I was raised. My paternal grandmother (the one whose temperament I seem to have inherited) lived until she was 98 years old. While she lived by herself, she often had one of my cousins at her house... which was a 2-3 minute walk from the house of one of my aunts. If she wasn't at her house, she was at my aunt's house or with someone of the family. It's just how it's done within our culture... or at least within my family. I'm not sure how much Mexican culture has changed in recent years since I haven't visited since I was a teenager. I anticipate something similar happening when I have a family of my own... which I already know scares a lot of guys. Hey, built-in way to weed out guys.

Anyway, the whole point of this blog post is to not only explain why I'm still at home (I know, some of you are disgusted with me but I'll live ;D) but to assure those who are in similar situations that you guys are not alone. Yes, we're told that we should be independent (which is not a bad thing; there's a fine line between between too dependent and being independent with familial responsibilities) and sometimes it feels like we're seriously pressured to be on our own or else there's something "wrong" with us. If your family values resemble those in which there is a great emphasis on the importance of family and staying close to home, don't let anyone make you feel like your way is wrong.

I'm not ashamed that I'm still living at home because I've chosen to follow the Mexican culture tradition of staying at home until marriage despite my American peers sometimes getting a little too into my business and try to persuade me to live on my own. It's not Millennial laziness nor is it me being too dependent on my mother. Yes, I know you're disappointed that the reason isn't much juicer than it being my choice. Sorry. ;)

Anyway, I have something coming up in about 8 minutes that requires my full attention so that's it from me for now.

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Reconciling Cultural Differences

Yes, that is me when I was about 4 years old. So stinkin' cute, wasn't I? lol.

I rarely really talk about my home life because I'm notoriously private about it (as well as my relationships) but I've been wanting to write about this for a while.

As some of you may know, I'm Mexican-Spanish American... with just a smidge of Irish thrown in for good measure. (side note: if you didn't know, there's quite a large number of Irish Mexicans still living in Mexico to this day, especially in Durango where my paternal family is from.) Though I will admit that I identify myself as Catholic first and Mexican-Spanish-Irish American second, it's still obviously a big part of who I am. What I eat, how I act, what I say... it's all influenced by my heritage. For the record, what I write it based on how I was brought up and does not mean it's like this for everyone.

I raised with very traditional Mexican values. Family comes first. The eldest member of the family takes care of the parents as they age. Women typically stay with their parents until they marry. You obey your parents and you do not dare disrespect your elders. To this day, I still call those who are older than me "Mister", "Missus", "Sir", and "Ma'am"... and never by their first name (unless asked and even then it's weird for me to do so). Up until I was 19, I had to ask permission from my father to go out. Sacrifice for the family is second nature to us. The seven years and three battles with cancer that my father had, I helped take care of him. Minutes before my father passed away nearly three years ago (I can't believe how fast that's flown!), I promised him that I would take care of my mother. Because I am my mother's only child (she lost a son and daughter before I was born), it is my unspoken duty to take care of her. Since I am still unmarried, I obviously still live at home. Whatever income I have goes into helping pay for the bills and food. I have the traditional "house maker" duties since I'm currently studying and don't have a full-time job and because my mother does work... a lot. I don't mind. Lately though, I've been struggling with a couple of things regarding what is expected of me.

Without going into a lot of detail, I have been having trouble reconciling the American and Mexican parts of myself. I like living at home but sometimes I want my space... and I don't always get it. If you have a Hispanic mama, it's almost guaranteed that you will always be treated like you are still a young child. In our American culture, as soon as you are a teenager (or at least 18), you gain some independence. It's a little harder to do so when your parents are from a different culture. My mother grew up here in Los Angeles so she is a little less strict than my father was but still... what she says is law in this house.

As I head into my late twenties (next month... can I stop getting older now?) it's getting harder for me to be okay with certain things. Being kept track of when I'm out? Not a fan. Having moments where I am told not to do something because it's "too hard" for me... and thus making me feel like I'm being underestimated? Not a fan. Having "well, I'm your mother and I know what's best for you"... when you know it's actually not the best advice? Not a fan. Having my mother bring up the fact that I'm the age that I am and that I'm still unmarried and without children... on a daily basis? REALLY not a fan. Yes, this is also a typical Hispanic mama thing to do -- asking your grown children (especially daughters) when they'll settle down and make them grandmothers. On top of that, and bringing in the biggest part of myself (the Catholic side), I am trying to figure out what's worse - not doing what I am asked to do by my mother and thus disobeying a parent (i.e. lying - which I have an absolute hatred toward) or doing what I am asked knowing that what I get asked is a horrible sin.

Before anyone starts in about how I'm a grown woman and I should be making my own decisions without my mother's interference, blah blah blah... yes, I know that. But, unlike some of you, I've both grown up faster AND slower than the majority... and I've had two different cultures tell me different things at the same time. I didn't have much of a childhood in the sense that I've had to take care of my parents from a young age (since I was about 11 years old). I grew up quick that way. I taught myself how to cook and wash dishes when I was a little girl. I pulled my weight around the house because it was only the three of us until my father passed away. After my father passed away, I assumed some of his responsibilities. The Hispanic side is okay with this. Then we have the American side, which tells me that I should be more independent and that I have a "right" to have my own space since I contribute to this household. That is followed by the criticism by others that I am too dependent on my mother and that I have been too "over-protected" and that I'm too "innocent" for my age. I think this is simply because they don't understand that I was raised with values from a different culture nor do they know what's really going on.

The problem for me is that I look at both sides and I get where each side is good... but I still can't reconcile them. I love how I was raised. I think my parents did a great job with me, especially considering that it was in a low-income, crime infested neighborhood where I had no real role models outside of the house. I think I turned out pretty decent. I love the Mexican side of myself (which I identify myself with more than Spanish and slightly more than Irish). I love the culture and the values. At the same time, I prefer some things that are more prevalent in American culture... mostly, being treated like an adult as soon as you're of age and being more independent. I GET that I'm a full grown young woman and that I can make my own decisions, but I feel like that would be too selfish of me (on occasion) and that it doesn't feel right because it wasn't how I was raised.

See, there we are. I keep going back and forth on this issue. I've talked to some of the girls of the #Cathsorority and I've found that this is a surprisingly common issues, especially amongst us who have Hispanic families, so I wanted to share my dilemma. I don't think either side is right; I just have to figure out how to make sure I can successfully incorporate them and use them for good.

Okay, I think that's enough divulging. lol. I still have to read to prepare myself for tomorrow's classes. :)

Anyway, I hope y'all are having a great week thus far. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless!