My Lenten Plans: The "Great Entertainment Purge of 2020," Silence, and Self-Care

For weeks, I've been thinking about what I was going to give up or add for Lent. There were so many options because there's so much I need to work on. After taking everything into consideration I decided to do three big things: "the great entertainment purge of 2020" (and, yes, it's as crazy as it sounds), embracing silence, and focusing on self-care -- all of which I'm horrible at but desperately need.

After listening to this inspiring sermon on the 7-Week Challenge to Conquer Technological Idolatry on the Sensus Fidelium YouTube channel last week, I decided to take up this challenge and thus my first big penance/goal was born. After reading Pope Pius XI's Papal Encyclical on Motion Pictures (Vigilanti Cura) -- which was mentioned in the sermon -- I decided to give up the majority of entertainment for Lent. As someone who turns to distractions such as social media, movies, and TV shows when anxiety, boredom, or illness strike, this is going to be hard for me.

I know I will get criticism for "going to the extreme" but I've decided to extend this beyond Lent. In  fact, during this Lenten season, I'm going to do what I'm dubbing to be the "Great Entertainment Purge of 2020." All movies, TV shows, music, and books that are problematic (for me) and will cause my mind to wander to dangerous territory is getting thrown out. No, not donated. Thrown out. That means I will be throwing away hundreds of dollars worth of material but I don't care. I cannot, in good conscience, keep these things around. And, it's not going to be easy.

One of my favorite (if not my favorite) Gene Kelly musicals, On the Town, will be the first to go. Why? Have any of you watched it? It's lovely with the dancing and the singing... but there's so much alluded to and implied that is, well, unchaste. Yes, go ahead. Judge me. Call me a prude. Tell me that I'm being too scrupulous and/or unrealistic for wanting to give up all forms of entertainment that contain these things but I just can't keep them.

When I decided to get serious about discerning the vocation of consecrated virginity, I also decided to be even more mindful of what things I consumed. When I really stopped to take inventory of the type of music I listened to (and really listen to the lyrics), what movies and TV shows I watched, and what books I read, I could see where I wasn't being as careful as I probably should have. And, again, yes, you can call me scrupulous but it just doesn't sit well with me.

I've been examining my conscience and my heart for some time now and I've come to realize that, because of my wildly active imagination, I can very easily fall into the temptation to have unchaste thoughts due to the media I consume. I've gotten better at it but it's still a struggle for me. I know how my mind works; I know how easily my mind jumps from one thing to another and stays on that thing until it's distracted by something else. I know how these things linger in my mind or will come up again, even years later. I don't want that. I want a clean heart and mind. I can't achieve that if I'm constantly remembering things that dirtied up my mind; things that I shouldn't have seen/read/heard in the first place. That is why I'm doing it.

Of course, this goes with my second (of three) big Lenten plans: embracing silence. These last 3 weeks since I returned to social media post-digital detox month have shown me how much I miss that silence I felt during that month. I also cut my entertainment consumption during that time and I saw the fruits it bore. It put me in the right state of mind to begin doing good research of my vocation discernment and to find that peace I was looking for. Taking my beloved Monks of Norcia (my spiritual family/home) as inspiration, I decided not to speak (or write... or tweet.... or text...) if it's either not necessary or doesn't help or edify anyone.

We're so afraid to be silent and alone with our thoughts but it's in that silence that we can hear God speaking to us. The Monks of Norcia started using sign language to limit verbal communication and only to communicate the important things and I think that's beautiful. I want (and, I'll be honest, crave) that silence now more than ever. Not only for my discernment to the vocation of consecrated virginity but also in other important things I need to do, such as consider a change in career and in my attempts to really do what I can to get myself healthy.

I've read enough research and studies that all state that silence (read: lack of constant stimulus) and rest can have great health benefits, especially for someone who is chronically ill and/or in recovery mode. Since my current recovery process is still in its early stages and it's going by much, much slower than after previous relapses, I decided that my third Lenten penance/goal is to focus on self-care. And, as if I needed another "sign" that this was what I needed to do, this excellent article on what to give up for Lent (based on your temperament) by my fellow epicPew writer, Chloe Langr, really inspired me to go for it.

As a melancholic-phlegmatic (I'm apparently no longer a phlegmatic-sanguine), the article suggested I prioritize self-care and practice saying "no" and creating healthy boundaries (for melancholics) and give up pushing the snooze button (as a phlegmatic; I'm totally guilty of doing this several times each morning). That shouldn't seem like a big deal but those who know me know how hard it will be for me to go through with these things. I tend to sacrifice sleeping, eating, resting, etc. for others. If someone asks me to do something, I won't rest until it's done. It's that people-pleasing habit that hasn't fully gone away. The only time that I allow myself to take care of myself is when I'm so sick that I cannot do a good job at what's needed... and even then, I feel super guilty for not doing it. As the article correctly states, I have a hard time saying "no" and I need to. As I said earlier, my recovery this time around is worryingly slow than usual so I need to really take care of myself. How can I be of service to others if I can't even function?

Self-care is going to mean going to bed at an earlier time so I can get plenty of rest and not have the temptation to hit the snooze button in the morning. It also mean really pushing forward with the reintroduction of new foods into my diet (we've added 3 new things since the last time I mentioned it but I have to eat them sparingly as too much and/or too often makes me feel sick), drinking 8 cups of water instead of my usual 6, and not pushing my mind or my body to do more when I feel tired. It means no taking on any more commitments than I already have.

Of course, all of these things are going to be tied into one big thing that I'm adding: more time in prayer and more time with God.

I already mentioned the benefit of the "Great Entertainment Purge of 2020". Yes, I will be using that as a hashtag on social media during Lent.

When I need to be distracted? More prayer time or reading a spiritually-fulfilling book. If I get bored, I'm going to allow myself to be bored. Radical idea, I know. lol. I don't remember what article it was, but I read that getting 2 hours of silence per day and not having any additional stimulus is good for your health. It'll also be an excellent time to talk to God about what is on my heart and mind.

Motivation to go to bed earlier and not hit the snooze button? Early morning daily Mass. I'll go each morning that I'm feeling physically well enough to attend in person and I'll watch it live when I'm homebound. That and every chance I can take to go to Adoration, I'm taking. Again, I don't know how often this will happen with my chronic fatigue and my lack of car (though this should soon be fixed!) but it's a great motivator!

Motivation to practice self-care; to drink and eat better? My Oblate retreat in a couple of months. I want to get healthy enough to go to the retreat and be able to attend all the Masses, prayer times in the chapel (read: Divine Office hours), and talks without worrying about my health being a factor. Also, since I will be traveling for the retreat, I'm going to have to get used to an earlier bedtime and wake-up time since it'll be in a different time zone.

And, those, ladies and gentlemen, are my big Lenten plans. If you're wondering where social media fits into it -- I'll still be active but I'll have restricted hours. I set up my Freedom app (yes, that's an affiliate link) to block out all social media, news, and entertainment content from 4 a.m. - 5 p.m. during the week and 4 a.m. to 2 p.m. on weekends months ago but I may add another 2-4 hours to those schedules during Lent. I don't *need* to be on social media for that long; it'll defeat the whole purpose of being silent and only communicating good things. When I need to post links, I'll keep using HootSuite. I'll reply to messages on social media, but only in the evenings and nights. I'm limiting my time for both my own sanity and as penance.

So, those are my Lenten plans. What are yours? I can't wait to see what y'all have come up with!

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go eat and drink something because I haven't had much of either all day and it's a quarter 'til 4 p.m. Oops. Did I mention I'm terrible at self-care? Yeeeah. lol.

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!

Taking a Dating Break... While Single

The past two weeks have been a bit odd. My "letter" to Catholic writers (and, really, to Catholics on social media in general) was not well received... and that was before the whole dancing priest controversy and Catholic Twitter stepping up the fights on that platform. I'm not going to comment on that because it's been discussed (or argued... strongly) by almost everyone. I'm just going to sip my tea and stand by what I've said, both on the blog and on Twitter. Instead, I'm going to post a sort of (unintentional) part two to my last post on thoughts regarding my vocation.

As I posted in the previous post, my private life has been a doozy lately. The last 7 months have been the hardest (in this department) in my adult life thus far. From confusing feelings about one person who unintentionally pulled me away from God and all that I know is good and true to dealing with new revelations about my vocation that have caused me to step outside my comfort zone, there hasn't been a dull moment for me.

If I told you that the last time I had a serious boyfriend was when I was 17, would you believe me? It's true. I've gone on dates since but nothing serious. I didn't have the time... nor was I in a good place for a while. My late teens and 20s were a busy time for me on all levels. I had to help take care of Dad (who was initially diagnosed with colon cancer shortly after I turned 17). I reverted to the Faith when I was 21. I had to finish my first undergraduate degree while juggling Dad's cancer and my anxiety problems. My father passed away and then I spent a year emotionally numb. I went through a slew of health problems and had to learn how to deal with the severe anxiety and panic attacks that once assailed me. I had to figure out my vocation. I had to learn how to take better care of myself (after neglecting to do so... which resulted in some of my health problems; which, thankfully, have now been taken care of). Just recently, I figured out my career/(small v) vocation and it's now systems go on that as well.

After I went through a sort-of identity crisis that lasted nearly a year (and only just ended in recent weeks), I saw that I've gotten clarity on all areas of my life... especially my (big v) vocation. I've already talked about that in the previous post but what I didn't mention is that once I felt more secure about what my vocation is, I also knew that I had to take a break because I've grown up a lot (spiritually and emotionally) since I last dated someone... and I need to figure out what works and what no longer does.

I'm not starting there though. I'm not going to see what areas I have to focus on when it comes to relationships. No, I'm going to strip that down further and go down to the true source of love -- God. I need to be in a place where I can be okay -- whatever my state in life is -- with only God's love. I wish I could say that I'm there right now but that would be a lie. I still crave that love from another person and I know that I can't jump into that without further cultivating my love for God.

I'm currently too lazy to go back and link all the older posts (I'm writing this on 3 hours of sleep... way early in the morning) but I know I've previously written about the fact that I know that only God's love can fully fulfill me and that gigantic void in my life. I stand by that. I know that is the truth... but my heart has to catch up to my brain in this instance. I'm not relying on feelings to tell me when that moment comes; I will know that I'm ready when I'm able to not be so easily swayed away from God and the Truth.

The recent young man in my life showed me that I'm not ready for a relationship anytime soon because my spiritual life isn't strong enough. My still-anemic spiritual life is just now catching up my physical (I was physically anemic for a couple of years as well) wellness. That's why I'm taking a dating break... and it hasn't been easy because I've had more guys show interest recently. No, this isn't me going "ooh, look, I've still got it; guys still like me..." It's more me saying "the timing is both terrible... and wonderful." Terrible because some have been promising but wonderful because it's been a sort of test for me in which I've had to stop and remind myself that I'm not ready quite yet.

So, what are my plans during this dating break?

• Going to daily Mass. 
• Going to adoration more frequently (recent Notting Hill inspired tweet, anyone?). 
• Taking up Bible study at home since I can't physically attend the meetings at local parishes. Thanks for all the recommendations on Twitter, y'all!
• Reading more books (finishing St. Francis de Sales' Introduction to the Devout Life and starting St. Teresa of Avila's The Interior Castle and The Way of Perfection). 
• Limiting my time on social media... and the internet in general because the negativity out there is harshing my mellow. 
• Focusing on a big test (that will last only a couple of months, God willing) that will further my small-v vocation.
• Continuing to improve my self-care so that I don't get physically sick again.

I'm not going to kick all men away during this time... but I'm also going to make it clear that I'm not in a place in which I can offer more than friendship. (side note: having no current crushes or interests really helps my ability to "friendzone" all males, lol.) God may surprise me and bring a great guy into my life between now and whenever I will be ready to begin dating again, but right now my focus is on my relationship with Him and on my own interior life. 

I cannot build a relationship (or a family) on a faulty foundation. My future fella and I deserve better than that. I cannot possibly help lead anyone to Heaven in my current state. I'm still having trouble getting to Mass as often as I'd like which is the first thing that needs to be worked on. 

Do any of my fellow single folks (women AND men) feel like perhaps they also need to work on your relationship with God? Better question: do some of you know that you need to take a dating break to work on your relationship with God but are reluctant to do so because you don't like being alone? You don't have to tell me, but be honest with yourself. If so, please know that I'll be praying for you. We're all in the same boat, y'all!

Anyway, these are my thoughts on the whole thing. I'm not sure how coherent they will be because, as I said earlier, I'm barely functioning on 3 hours of sleep. I have a theory as to why I've had insomnia the past 2 days but I won't be sure until I do something about it. And, actually, I think I'm finally ready to attempt a nap so I'll stop here.

I hope you all have a lovely weekend! Avoid fighting on social media, get thee to the confessional, attend Mass, and stay holy, my friends. :)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

When Taking Care of Yourself Becomes Overindulgence

Last night and this morning I was thinking about my third novel and I had the inspiration to share (on the blog) something I'm currently in the process of working through: learning how to take care myself in moderation.

For years, I battled anemia, fatigue, and being underweight. In fact, I recently hit my normal weight range which I haven't been within since I graduated as an undergrad, 5 years ago. Anemia is physically (and even mentally) debilitating. I was tired all of the time and had trouble concentrating or even doing the simplest things (like remembering that I had water boiling on the stove; thank goodness for a whistling kettle). I would fall asleep sitting down, in the middle of the day. I would want to take a nap within 2-3 hours of waking up... after 8-10 hours of sleep. I would often be found in bed, laying there most of the day because my body felt very heavy and it was exhausting simply sitting up. It wasn't laziness; my doctors all confirmed it was due to the anemia. I didn't have the physical (and mental) strength to function like a normal human being.

I tried to push myself and do things despite my physical weakness but that ended up backfiring and I spent more time in bed, trying to regain strength. When that happened, I knew I had to admit "defeat" and allow myself to do what my body wanted. If I felt tired, I would take a nap. If I felt I couldn't walk any longer, I'd sit until I felt well enough to continue. If I was hungry, I would eat. If I was thirsty... well, you get the idea. Whatever my physical needs were, I took them as cues from my body that that was what it needed. It was that (and taking the multivitamin that apparently boosted my iron and folate levels quite quickly) that helped me get healthy once again. Hooray for learning self-care!

I learned that it's important to take care of yourself -- something I was sadly lacking since I tended to put others' needed ahead of my own and this is something I've done since I was a child. I didn't think of what I needed or even wanted. I did what others needed. It's not a bad thing, but it can become a bad thing. I've been taken advantage of by those who saw that I was easily exploitable. It's something that I've had to learn to better manage; to learn to say "no" and not feel guilty about doing. Seeing that I was making myself sicker by not taking care of myself was a massive wake-up call and one that I'm grateful for since I know it'll be useful once I have a family of my own (someday, I pray). Now I have to learn the other side of taking care of yourself: doing things in moderation.

Before I get into that, a bit of background info for you new readers. I feel like I'm getting those selfish years I didn't get when I was younger. As those of you who've been long-time readers may recall from previous posts, I didn't have your typical adolescence or young adulthood. I helped take care of my parents when most of my peers were going out with friends. I didn't go parties. I didn't go out on dates (and I've yet to be taken out on a proper date. Seriously). I didn't even go to slumber parties. Sure, I regularly went to concerts between the ages of 18 and 20, but I always came home right after the shows. When I hung out with friends (in those years in which my father's cancer was in remission), I would come home early. Simply put, I was a responsible kid. I avoided drugs, alcohol, sleeping around, and every other vice you could possibly think of for someone who grew up in  L.A. My then "friends" used to tease me for being an "old lady" or a "prisoner" of my own home but that's just how I've always been. When I was in school, I focused on that and didn't go out. When my father's cancer returned (and eventually became terminal), I was even more homebound than normal After my father died, I focused on school until I graduated. Almost as soon as I graduated, I got sick and it's taken 5 years to get to the bottom of all the problems I ended up having.

Now, taking care of yourself isn't bad. I'm back to my pre-graduation normal weight. My health is the best it's been in several years. My anxiety is virtually non-existent these days. I have a (more or less) clear path on which I'll be traveling down on over the next year or so, if it continues to be God's will. I've placed myself in God's hands and it's been a wonderful thing. But... I'm getting slightly off-track now.  While doing what you need to do stay health is great, it can backfire which is what I'm dealing with right now.

As you could probably guess from the title, I'm currently trying to learn to do things in moderation because what worked for me while I was sick isn't what I need anymore. I can't oversleep anymore (and my body has actually ached on days when I sleep more than 8 hours). I can't eat more than I need to. And before you ask, I used to lack on appetite and had to force myself to eat some days... which is how I got into the habit of eating even when I didn't feel hungry. That and, for a long time, I couldn't take iron pills and I had to eat a lot of food just to get enough iron in my diet for the day to not make the anemia worse. I've gotten into the habit of doing much more for myself than most other people do and it's one that I know I will struggle to break out of.

I have the hardest time breaking habits, both good and bad. I have to re-train my body to be fine with 7-8 hours of sleep when I can get them (which, thankfully, is most days). I also have to get back into the habit of getting to sleep early and getting up early instead of going to bed at 2 a.m. and waking up at 10-11 a.m. This will not be the easiest, especially since Mom's been on vacation since my birthday so I've gotten used to not getting up at 3-4 a.m. to help her get to work on time. I need to remind myself to listen to my stomach and to my body and stop whenever I feel myself getting full. I have to remind myself that the objective is to keep hunger away and not to make myself feel absolutely stuffed. Yes, I also know I won't ever have this luxury again... especially not once I get married and have a family of my own. That's why I say that I feel like I'm getting the selfish years I didn't have when I was younger; I only have myself (and my mom, to an extent) to worry about.

As I mentioned in the previous blog post, I have two more months off before I begin the next step in (what I believe to be) God's plans for me. I already have plans to work on my spiritual life (doing a big re-do/makeover of sorts) and I had my third novel to work on so it's not like I'll be sitting around the house, twiddling my thumbs. As soon as Mom heads back to work (this weekend), I get to reestablish my "housewife" routine of taking care of the house, running errands, and balancing the household budget by myself... on top of the plans I have for my novel and other things regarding my faith that will get me out of the house during the summer.

I will also try to go to confession more often because I know gluttony and an overconsumption of things are considered sins... and I'm tired of telling the priest I over-eat at least once during the week. *blush* If you haven't made the connection yet, the longer I went without going to Mass and confession, the easier it was for me to be selfish and greedy and allow myself to overindulge in sleep, food, and general laziness. I'm ashamed of myself for falling into this trap but it happened and now I'm holding myself accountable for all the dumb decisions I've made.

Please pray for me as I try to cultivate more temperance in my life. There are things I didn't mention in this post that will make things a little harder than usual for me when it comes to learning how to balance things, especially in the "ninja area" of my life that y'all know I don't like talking about on this blog. (*whispers* that means my "personal" life for those of you new to the blog. I'm notoriously private about my love life, y'all.)

Anyway, I think that's all for now. It's getting hot in my home office (we're nearing the triple digits this and next week in L.A.) and it's (unfortunately for me) the hottest room in the house so I want to escape this mini-oven before it gets hotter.

I hope you all are having a lovely week thus far!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

What Self-Care Looks Like (July 2016)

I know I've written about self-care before (and more than once) but I thought I'd give y'all an update on how that's going to keep myself accountable to what is and isn't working.

What is Working

• Learning more about introversion and being a highly sensitive person (HSP). I've been reading a couple of books on introversion (most notably Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that Can't Stop Talking by Susan Cain and The Irresistible Introvert: Harness the Power of Quiet Charisma in a Loud World by Michaela Chung) as well as some articles on HSP that have helped embrace who I am and what works for me. Quiet has helped me understand what introversion is and what it isn't while The Irresistible Introvert (which is more like a memoir with tips on what's worked for the author) has given me ideas on how to best manage stressful (to introverts) situations. So far the latter has been highlighted, annotated, and been the most useful to me since I learn best from personal experiences. My anxiety and stress levels are at an all-time low thanks to the new techniques (as well as some I've picked up from implementing some mindfulness into my everyday routines).
• Embracing change. There have been a lot of changes lately (you can go back to last month's blog posts to see some example) and I've been able to accept them because I think I've finally learned to let go and let God guide me. Change doesn't make me uncomfortable but not knowing what's going to happen in the future has been a trigger for my anxiety attacks in the past. Now? I'm trusting God and am letting things come as they may without any long term plans in place. I have goals but no concrete plans as to how it'll happen. I'm re-learning to be more flexible which is something I was actually good at before the PTSD became a part of my life. I've also made some much needed changes in how I do things. For example, after reading both The Irresistible Introvert and an article on how multitasking actually depletes your mental energy, I've tried to do one thing at a time instead of trying to do several things at once. Right now I'm blogging without any music or the TV on in the background; I'm focused on this one single thing. While this is a small change for me, it's really helped my energy levels and mental sharpness.
• Taking screen-free breaks. As I've mentioned before, I've noticed how much better I feel and how much more (mentally and physically) energized I am when I'm not glued to a screen. I've taken a couple of screen-free breaks throughout the week. I let my friends (with whom I communicate the most often on social media and/or text) know ahead of time so they don't think I'm ignoring them. It's done wonders for my mental health; I can't recommend it enough.
• Drinking more water. Alright, 'fess up... who else has trouble drinking the recommended amount of water? After my bladder/kidney infection in late June-early July, I've been making an effort to drink more water. I try to aim for at least six 8 oz glasses per day and most days I'm able to reach that goal. Sometimes I fail on the six glasses but I do drink more than 16 oz of chamomile tea (for heartburn) or eat watermelon fruit bars (like popsicles but made out of actual fruit) so that helps keep me a little more hydrated. Added bonus: if I start off my day with at least 8-16 oz of water, I have a bit more energy during the day.
• Taking guilty pleasure breaks. If I feel myself getting stressed what do I do? Take a "guilty pleasure break." "What's that?" you may ask. It means that I'll do something that I enjoy for at least half an hour per day. It could be reading a book or watching a TV show that I'd be slightly embarrassed to admit that I read or watch but that makes me happy. If you're curious, let's just say it's usually aimed at a teen audience. Shh! lol.

What Isn't Working

• Not getting enough sleep. I've been averaging 4-6 hours most nights in the past couple of weeks. At first it was because the fever and infection weren't letting me sleep. Then the maintenance guys were here almost every day for about three straight weeks, not allowing me to sleep. Now it's just become a bad habit that I need to break before classes begin at the end of this month. This means sacrificing certain activities (such as reading one more chapter of a book or watching one more episode of a show I'm hooked on) but it'll be worth it for my health. I try to aim for 6-7.5 hours because I've noticed that that is what works best for me and my mental sharpness.
• Not listening to what food my body craves. I won't sugar coat it -- I've been eating lousy (yet delicious) food lately. My diet has consisted of a lot of fast, greasy foods which is why my heartburn has been terrible lately. When I see certain foods, my (literal) gut reaction is "ugh, no more" but sometimes it's all that's available so I eat it... and then suffer the consequences. I've also not eaten at times because we run out of food and I can't get to a grocery store because it's too hot outside (and I had no working a/c in my car for most of the summer thus far). With my stomach as sensitive as it has been lately, I'm going to make a list of which fruits and vegetables work (in terms of the acidity my stomach can handle and which foods I'm not allergic to) so I can incorporate more of them into my diet.
  
• Not attending confession or Mass for the past 5 weeks. Yes, I know, that's a mortal sin. I have my excuses but it still doesn't feel right. Not only that but not going to confession has had the unfortunate consequence of bad habits popping up again. Since I'm no longer sick like I was early last month, the Sand Fire is no longer an issue (we were advised to stay home because of the air quality being poor and our parish is only a couple of miles from where it was), and since the heat wave we had (which peaked at around 115 degrees or so and left me indoors for 2 straight weeks) is over, I no longer have any excuses. This past weekend was the first on which we could attend Mass without the lack of a/c being a factor (since it was fixed) but both my mom and I didn't feel well enough to attend Mass (she had painful arthritis that not even painkillers helped with and I had a stomach issue which seems to have peaked yesterday). I was kind of miffed that I couldn't attend this weekend after waiting for so long but I'm going to make sure I eat healthier so I don't have a repeat of this weekend. You guys don't know how much I've been wanting to go to both confession and Mass. We've even tried (and failed) to go during the week. It's a yearning at this point. I'm determined to make things right this weekend. Prayers that we're able to go to both, please?

Anyone (that I know offline) want to keep me accountable for any of the three things that I need to work in this month? I give you my permission to get on my case if needed. I'm serious.

That's it for now. I have the house to myself for only 2 more hours so I want to enjoy the silence and the slow pace while I still can. I love my mom but living with an uber-extroverted personality isn't easy when you're an introvert. I need to recharge my energy battery while I still can. :)

I hope y'all are having a lovely start of week!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Lenten Lesson: Rearranging Priorities

At the end of this Lenten season I came to one huge, defining moment in my life: after being constantly plugged into the online world since I was 16 years old, I have come to realize that I don't like being plugged in. Not only that, I love living life away from it because I've come to realize what's important to me. I do still need the internet -- for schooling and to keep up with friends who find it easier to email -- but I'm so much happier and less stressed without it. I know I've already written a lot on this (unplugging) so I'm just going to move on onto other big changes.

I'm well known for procrastinating when I don't like doing something. This is one of the biggest changes I made during Lent. If it feels like a tedious chore or if I'm tired and lazy, I'm going to put off on doing it until I "feel like it." I have to be "in the mood" to do something or else it's not getting done. I think this is my version of rebellion since I didn't rebel against my parents as a child or a teenager. I kept doing it until I remember that St. Therese did little things even though she didn't have to or want to do them. She offered up these little acts for others. Inspired by this, I started doing the same.

Okay, I'll admit that I was also inspired by this audiobook I listened to a few weeks ago called At Home with Madame Chic by Jennifer L. Scott. Between St. Therese and the books (yes, plural) by Mrs. Scott, I realized what I needed changes and what I was okay with. Procrastinating and not doing things until I "felt like it" will more often than not result in anxiety or even a panic attack, especially if time is a factor. Not doing things because I "don't feel like it" is no longer an option for me. I do things because they need to be done. No excuses, unless I'm sick and incapable of doing them. Even then, I try to do something while sitting down, even if it's time in prayer. If something feels like a burden, I offer it up for souls in purgatory or for anyone whose prayer intention I remember in that moment but I do it anyway.

I'll be honest, the majority of what I worked on were things that as a single lady works but as a future wife and mother wouldn't. I didn't start Lent wanting to change a lot of things that revolved around my vocation (big V) but that's how it ended up. God would show me things about myself that I didn't like and knew I needed to change and it would automatically be connected to my future vocation. I didn't sit and think about it; the connections would automatically pop up in my mind. When I have a husband and children to look after, I can't not do something just because I don't feel like it. I'm going to have to do them whether I like it or not. My priorities will be taking care of my family and helping them in any way that I can so it can't be about my own selfish wants and needs.

I learned that I loved doing housework. Correction: I learned that I wouldn't mind being "stuck" in the house with a family if we could afford it and/or was necessary. I wouldn't mind being a working mother either (I've sort of expected this because that's all I knew growing up; my mom's always been a working mother) but I always worried that I would get bored being a housewife. Silly but there you have it. I found a real joy in cleaning. Washing dishes, vacuuming, cooking, baking -- I love the domestic life. The former "feminist"/"independent woman" side of me is officially dead. My former Sociology/Women's Studies professor would undoubtedly cringe and mourn the death of my former self if she ever found out. lol.

Another huge change was my prayer life. I tend to get bored doing the same routine (as the same time) every day so I switched it up. I added the Litany of Humility and the Chaplet of St. Michael to my usual routine of daily consecration to the Virgin Mary, daily Rosary, and daily morning, evening, and nighttime prayers from the Little Office. While it may seem overwhelming (and it can feel that way if I have to do most of it at night after a busy day), it's not. My time in prayer adds up to maybe an hour every day. God gives me so much more so why can't I take an hour (albeit broken up throughout the day) to pray and just reconnect with Him every day? I pray the Rosary at different times of the day so I don't get bored with the routine. Not that prayer is boring -- it certainly isn't -- but my mind wanders so easily when I have a lot going on. I need those random breaks to refocus on God (and I'll write more about this in another post.)

My faith is important to me. My mother is important to me. My future husband and children are already important to me and this is something I don't even have to worry about right now. Keeping my house (well, apartment) clean, having dishes washed, every person in the house rested and fed, doing things that need to be done first and relaxing/having time for myself second have all become important to me. All the changes and the rearrangement in priorities were much needed. Instead of wasting time online and then rushing to get everything else done at the last minute, I have a more fulfilling life offline doing what I like (or, sometimes, don't like) for those who are most important to me.

It may not seem like some huge, life altering change but it is to me. I'm the kind of person who likes routine and feeling comfortable doing her own thing. At the same time, I've been very selfish with my time. I've learned that I can't always do that. I can't be selfish all the time but I also don't feel guilty watching something on Netflix once everything is done and taken care of. If I can spare an hour or two to watch a movie or a TV series I like, I will. Balance and moderation (as I wrote in the last post) goes hand-in-hand with where my priorities are now. Self-care is important, too, y'all. ;)

I start the Spring quarter in exactly one week from today so it'll be interesting to see how I rearrange other things to fit this new start into my life. I know that my schoolwork will be a priority over watching another Monarch of the Glen episode for the millionth time but I'll also have to remind myself to balance that with my home life (i.e. keeping the household clean) and self-care. I'm going to try my best to not make schoolwork my priority over eating and sleeping again. No, don't want to fall down that rabbit hole again.

Anyway, that's it for now. I'm going to watch another episode of my guilty pleasure show (which is only 24 minutes long) before I get back to do some self-care. I've ran errands, bought groceries, and cleaned the house, so I can watch another 24-minute episode (my second one, thankyouverymuch) before I do something else. ;)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Lenten Lesson: Balance and Moderation

Remember how frazzled I was the day before Lent began because I had poor time management and was "too busy" with life? Yes, I'm going to talk some more about being busy. No, this isn't another "being busy is bad" post. I do, however, still think that we've made an idol out of being busy and that sometimes we just don't know when to let some things go and take care of ourselves.

This is the first in my planned series of my Lenten lessons blog posts. I'm not sure how many I'll do (at least four total; this post and three others that I have in my drafts) but this is one of the biggest lessons I learned this Lent: balance and moderation.

Where to start? Hmm... Oh! Anyone remember how I had every intention to only read Catholic books this Lent? Yep, it didn't happen. I had (and still have) too many books on my LAPL holds list; being "in line" to borrow a book for weeks or even months at a time. Because I didn't want to wait for them again, I decided to read them. I'm glad I ended up letting go of this particular Lenten intention because, thanks to a couple of those non-Catholic books, I realized that a balance was needed between being busy for the sake of being busy and being beings with a (good) purpose. Not only that, I finally figured out the balance that works out best for me between being too plugged in and not being plugged in at all.

When I started my recovery break (from school) in mid-December of last year, I wanted to do nothing after being ridiculously busy for (what seems like) ages. I wanted a vacation from having long to-do lists. I know I tend to take on too much and spread myself too thin. This leads to me getting completely burnt out after a while. It's a horrible, vicious cycle I've had for at least 10 years now. Seriously, I can pinpoint it to 2006, which (interestingly enough) was also the year I reverted to the faith. For years, I've wanted to do it all... and in as little time as possible so I could move onto the next thing on an impossible "goals" list. Then the accident happen and my health declined even more than it had in the past. Looking back, I'm grateful that I was basically forced to slow because I was close to burning myself out again. However this "want to do nothing" ideal didn't exactly work as I planned. I became busy with a redundant cycle that was a waste of time thanks to having too much free time. Oops.

How did my average day look like?
- Turn off iPod touch alarm.
- Check email.
- Check Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, and check email again.
- Get up and make breakfast.
- Check social media again.
- Pray.
- Check social media again. Lose myself for hours on this.
- Lunch with mom; distracted by checking social media at the table.
- Netflix and more social media.
- Evening/nighttime prayers.
- More Netflix and social media.
- Sleep.

Repeat. Every. Single. Day. Sundays would include Mass and the odd day would include grocery shopping or errands but that was what my day usually looked like. Completely unproductive but still busy because (as y'all know) you get sucked down a rabbit hole and it's hard to get out of it. One YouTube video leads to another. One link leads to 10 more. A conversation turns into something more. Basically, I was still busy but instead of being busy with something like schoolwork or something productive, I was "busy" with stuff that was fleeting and, really, a waste of time. I've already written about unplugging here and here so I won't repeat myself.

"Well, what am I going to do now?" I asked myself. "I think this is how I've always been." And, yes, looking back at my life, I've always done something. I'm rarely ever inactive, even if that busyness is all mental. In fact, in the 6th grade I was given the "Busy Bee" award from my teachers. The certificate said "Always reading, always doing something." It took some soul searching (and a couple of solid books that got me thinking about making changes) but in the end I've come to understand that not all "busyness" is bad. In fact, I found myself more busy after I unplugged but it became busyness with a purpose.

I agree with this Verily article in which the author talks about how being busy with things that fulfill your life doesn't stress you out. Though I'm busier now than when I was in the endless virtual cycle of nothingness, I find myself a lot more calm and happier. My prayers have not only increased but the quality of them has gotten better. Sure, I still space out and my mind wanders but I'm still at a better place than before. I also found myself being less selfish and being more charitable with my time, actions, and words. What I busied myself with was done for a greater good, not just because I was bored and did whatever appealed to me to entertain myself.

I'm glad that I was also "forced" to slow down with my grad school load as well. As I had previously mentioned, a few weeks ago it was decided that bring my course load to half-time instead of full time was necessary. Instead of graduating next year, I'll be graduating in 2018. The rush I felt about finishing and starting work isn't there any longer but a) I know that that will be the speed that will work best for me so I don't feel overwhelmed and b) because I realize (and, finally, know it in my heart as well) that letting go of my own timeline and letting God slowly reveal His plans for me in His own time has been working well for during this season. With Spring quarter about to begin on April 4th, I'm feeling excited but not stressed out like I had been before.

As for being plugged in, I didn't want to go from one extreme (being too plugged in) to the other (not being plugged in at all). I think that's why I'm still doing what I wrote about a couple of posts ago; it gives me a nice balance. I can make time for friends who find it easier to communicate online while still having my time away from the all the craziness and drama (llama dama-da-ding-ding-ding-dong...) Towards the end of Lent I've gone one more -- I log out completely from FB because I don't want to see the notifications first thing in the morning when I wake up and turn off the alarm (since I currently use my iPod touch for it; I'll get a physical alarm clock when I have a little wiggle room for a good one). My relationship with my mother has gotten better and I find myself in a healthier place (mentally, spiritually, emotionally) being unplugged. We'll see how the balance continues after I start the Spring quarter since my entire degree will be online. Still, I have faith in myself (or, at the very least, faith that God will help me during moments of weakness) and am optimistic that it'll all work out.

Oh! One more thing: if you didn't know (and I don't think I mentioned it on the blog): I've gained like 7 lbs since the start of Lent. Seriously! I think I may be out of the underweight category (I won't know until I get weighed again and I'm guessing that may not happen until the following week) but, well, I was eating too much. Like, TOO much. 'Sup, gluttony? Yeah, I didn't think I would ever have an issue overeating (though I've been known to eat pretty well despite being naturally athletic/thin; super fast metabolism, I guess) but it happened during Lent and it was corrected during Lent thanks to some priestly advice. Balance. Moderation. Repeat.

So, there you have it. Some of the things I had to find a balance for during the Lenten season. There's more but it'll come in future blog posts. ;)

Anyway, I really don't want to be online too much today (I feel so great when I can ignore laptop AND cell phone) so that's it for today. I probably won't post again until after Easter Sunday so I hope y'all have a fruitful Easter Triduum.

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Learning Limits: Grad School Edition

Did you ever go through a wonderfully humbling experience that helped your relationship with God followed by a couple of stormy days in which everything seemed to go to heck? If so, welcome to my past week. After the wonderful spiritual highs that came with the start of Lent, I hit a rough couple of days that I actually feel grateful for having. I'm one of those "weird" optimistic people who tries to look for the silver lining in every situation so, of course, it's story time. ;)

Last week I found out that I had to switch from a full-time schedule to a half-time timetable at JP Catholic. It isn't because I can't handle the usual load of classes; it was because there would be one quarter that not even this "academic superwoman" could've handled. Long story short: because I have to re-take one course (in which I received a C) and do the courses of this past Winter quarter that I took off, I fell a bit behind schedule. If I had stayed on the same track, I would've had to do 5 courses in a 10-week span next Winter. That would've been nearly impossible for me to do, especially with how intense just 2-3 courses can be. I prayed about it (and asked friends on FB to pray for me), talked to my mom, and talked to a couple of lovely folks of JP Catholic and I decided that it was best for me to do half-time instead. Since JP Catholic is a small school and courses are available at specific times of year, it made sense to do an extra year and no go overboard loading myself with all the missed classes in a single quarter.

It's hard for me to "accept defeat" in the academic field but this doesn't really feel like a defeat. I know that while I'm fully capable of handling 3 courses at a time but 5 is too many. That's just the reality of it. My academic pride has a tendency to make me take on too much. Pride has already done too much damage. Staying on last quarter when I had more than enough to deal with post-accident? Yep, learned my limits then. That's why I took this to prayer. Pride and fear (of a financial nature) were at work and I didn't want to make any decisions based on either of those two emotions.

I've done so much progress in these past 2 months that I've taken off. I've been able to learn how to take better care of myself... which means learning that I often jump into doing too much too quickly and messing up any progress I've made. I don't want to do that this time around. This degree and these courses are way too valuable to rush through. I'm not taking these courses for my own personal enrichment; I'm taking them for my career / vocation. If this is the path God wants me to take (and it certainly seems that way), I'm going to do things properly. 

Surprisingly, everything worked itself out within 3 hours. I feel at peace about the decisions made. It's going to take me an extra academic school year to finish but maybe there's a reason for it. Yes, I'm one of those "everything happens for a reason" people. (quick side note: I won't apologize for it.) Maybe God has something else in store for me between now and graduation (tentatively scheduled for September 2018). Maybe this is God's way of reminding me that I need to take things slow; He knows that I tend to take on too many things at one time because that idol of busyness is hard (but not impossible) to uproot. Maybe there are other lessons I need to learn before I'm ready to teach or do whatever He has planned for me after graduation -- lessons that will take time. Either way, I'm ready for whatever He has in store for me.

All of this that I went through was during my spiritual high. I felt closer to Him during this time... and then came a couple of days of grumpiness, apathy, and spiritual dryness followed. I was able to keep in mind that it was the Lenten season and we're bound to experience some spiritual dryness (at varying degrees) during it instead of dwelling on things. I'm giving credit to Holy Spirit and the angels (shout out to the Chaplet of St. Michael) for helping me out because I was in a bad place. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I felt slightly betrayed by some people. I got annoyed whenever Mom told me that things happened for a reason and that I had to trust Him. Of course, I agreed with her and I knew she was right but them feelings were still there and they were strong. I seem to have gotten out of that funk but I'm still going to remain vigilant. 

Anyway, that's it for now. I'm going to try to finish the other blog post and schedule it for tomorrow since I know Friday will be my day off of social media and I have a feeling my Saturday and Sunday may be busy. :)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Too Busy for Self-Care

Raise your hand if you feel the need to always be doing something; to always have something going on. *raises both hands.* This past week has been crazy busy for me. How busy? It had gotten to the point where I wasn't taking good care of myself. I was not sleeping well, nor getting enough water, nor eating enough calories into my diet (which is a huge "no no" for someone trying to gain or maintain weight).

Do you remember my blog post from this past Tuesday in which I wrote that I wasn't ready for Lent because I didn't get to finish everything I wanted to do before it began? Remember that long list of things I "had" to do? Guess what: I didn't need to do all of them at once. No, I just decided to overwhelm myself, unconsciously. When a good friend asked me what I would be giving up for Lent and I provided the shorten version of my actual list, he straight up told me it was too much. I'm grateful for our friendship because he's one of the few people who will tell me things I need to hear, just like this example. I had taken on too much for Lent; I just didn't notice it because I have this really terrible habit of feeling like I need to stay busy.

I stick by what I wrote about self-care this past summer. I still think we've made an idol out of being busy. Sadly, I found myself stumbling back into that habit of neglecting myself because I had too much going on. When I noticed that I was extremely fatigued and mentally sluggish last night, I remembered that I hadn't had more than 8 ounces of water to drink... and it was after 10 p.m. Oops. After I drank 16 ounces of that lovely H2O I was revived. My mental clarity sharpened and the fatigue diminished. I also didn't eat well yesterday (or the previous day). Sigh. Thankfully I've recognized that I had fallen back into this old, terrible habit this week (I'm sure if has to do with it being the first week of Lent) so I can work on it. It's only been a couple of days (not a full week). I'm not a lost cause yet. lol.

I had a really busy day planned for Thursday, to the point where I was slightly overwhelmed by the time crunch. I had an appointment in the morning, then I was going to run errands, and do x, y, z. Then Amazon decided to have a package arrive days earlier than expected so I had to rearrange some things. As I got home to wait for a package from Amazon to arrive, I noticed that someone had sent me flowers. The same friend who pointed out that I had taken on too many things for Lent had sent bouquet of a dozen beautiful yellow roses. I literally stopped what I was doing to appreciate them. In all honestly, I actually forgot what I had to do for about an hour or so because I was so enamoured with the flowers. (side note: I just really like flowers, okay?) Oops. lol.

Likewise, I had another really busy day planned yesterday. I wasn't going to leave the house for more than maybe half an hour or so but it was all overwhelming busywork that I decide to get done in a single day. Thankfully a seminarian friend who I hadn't seen in a while dropped by and it forced me to rearrange to-do list for the day. Sure, I got the apartment cleaned as planned but everything else that could be done another day (read: not important) was pushed back. To Amazon, James, and Andrew: thank you all for unintentionally forcing me to slow my roll for at least two days. lol. Don't you love it when God does that?

I'm glad that I was forced to see what I was unintentionally doing to myself: cramming things that could be done over weeks into a couple of days and neglecting to take better care of myself. Oh! and taking on too much for Lent. I'm going to simplify my Lenten goals a bit. I know which ones I really do need to work on (i.e. using less social media) and which I can work on after Lent.

I'm going to try to remind myself that I had a good routine going before I decided to busy myself again. I cannot afford to not get back into that routine, especially when I specifically set this time to take care of myself before I head back to grad school. I'm going to continue to read books, relax, eat well, sleep well, and simply take care of myself. It seems like a lot because I wrote it out as a list but isn't. It's just basic things to help me (and, really, any/all human beings) function.

I just wanted to write this because I'm sure this is part of my Lenten journey this year. It certainly feels like it. :)

Alright, it's actually almost 11:30 p.m. the day before this is scheduled to be posted and I want to get my nighttime prayers in before I zonk out. I've been so physically tired lately that I know I'm going to need at least 8 hours of sleep tonight. No, I'm not going to feel guilty if I sleep in a bit; it's a necessity, especially after the 5-6 hour sleep days I've had most week.

I hope y'all have a good weekend! Don't forget to enter the Magnificat Lenten Companion giveaway. It ends tomorrow at noon EST. ;)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

What Three Deaths Have Taught Me

Earlier this week I found out someone from my past had died at the young age of 31. While I was never romantically involved with him (though I did have a crush on him for a while in my early-mid teens) nor were we ever really friend, I still have great memories of the couple of times I interacted with him. I don't like talking about that part of my life because of all the drama associated with it (read: ex-boyfriend from heck was involved; they knew each other) so I'll leave it at that: a genuinely nice guy from my past whom I have fond memories of. Though the last time I spoke to him was when I was maybe 17 years old, his death hit me harder than I would've ever imagined... and it gave me a jolt back to life, in a way.

Prior to my father's death in 2009, the only death that affected me in a profound way was my paternal grandmother's death in March 2005. My grandmother's death was the first I dealt with loss of a close person. I didn't know how to mourn. I was 19, about to turn 20. I hadn't seen her since my early teens but I still loved her nonetheless. When I found out that she had been asking for me on her deathbed (for both my father and I... and only my father and I), it hit me harder. She wanted me by her side in her final moments and I couldn't be there because she was in Mexico and I was in the middle of Spring semester at Santa Monica College here in Southern California. Dad left as soon as he found out she had little time left and he didn't even get to say "goodbye" in time because she passed away quite quickly. From her death, I was taught the importance of friends  and family during hard times.

The next death that hit me hard was my father's. Those of you who have read this blog long enough may remember the blog posts I've written about it, including one I wrote two weeks after he passed. Some of you might've even read the article that I wrote for Envoy Magazine which I wrote a few months after I had gotten over some of the numbness that followed his death. No death has hit me as hard since his. I'll be honest, having to deal with my father dying has also meant that I've had to learn to deal with anger. A few weeks before he passed and to this day, I have moments in which I can't control my temper. I will physically walk away and let myself cool down because I know how sharp my tongue can be when I'm angry. Those moments may not last long (I can calm down nearly as quickly as I get fired up) nor as they frequent as they used to be, but it's something I'm still working on. I honestly didn't know I was capable of getting that angry until I had to deal with his death. As the time passes (the 7th anniversary of his death is coming up in July), I find it easier to deal with my temper when it flares up. I think I'm averaging about 3-5 minutes in which it's best to leave me alone until I cool off. Again, doesn't happen very often but it's something that I made a goal to work on this year. I even bought the book Overcoming Sinful Anger by Fr. T Morrow to help me out. From my father's death, I learned so many things including the power of forgiveness and of moderating my temper (he had a strong choleric temper and I seem to have inherited a bit of it when I see someone I love being hurt).

The death of this young man from my past reminded me of how fragile life is and how important it is to take care of yourself. I won't go into details about who he was or even his death for obvious reasons (read: privacy issues and not wanting to think about painful memories) but let's just say that his death was sad and possibly preventable. It was a sad ending for someone I thought highly of. It wasn't only me; I don't seem to recall hearing a bad thing about him from any mutual friends. I lost touch with all those people from my past shortly before my reversion (I learned to remove toxic friendships early on) so I don't know much about what was going on with him other than what has been made known to everyone. He had been ill for a while -- something another friend has been dealing with for years as well -- but wasn't doing what was necessary to keep himself healthy. If I needed anything to help me kick into high gear on my own self-care, it was this. I've already been making good progress but I can definitely do more. After hearing about his death, I definitely felt the push to do those things instead of putting it off due to lack of energy and whatever else SAD has been weighing me down with lately. Again, I'm really surprised at how much his death has affected me, especially since I hadn't seen him since I was like 16 and I hadn't talked to him since I was 17, but I think it was hearing about it and remembering how much healthier I was during that time of my life (despite the ex-boyfriend drama), that kicked me back into this "alright, let's do this!" mentality. Also, friendly reminder to myself to not forget to have a Mass said for him since, if memory serves me right, he was also Catholic.

I've experienced the loss of aunts, uncles, and even the death of my niece's daughter (my second eldest brother's first grandchild) but these have been the three deaths that have taught me more. All three have happened at significant times in my life which I think may be why they've all affected me profoundly.

Anyway, I have a couple of things to do today (and my laptop battery is almost at 42% with no plans to charge it until after 8 p.m. in 7.5 hours) so I should go do them. If you could please say a prayer for the soul of this young man (his name was Michael) and his family, please do so.

I hope y'all are having a good week thus far.

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!

Self-Care is Not Laziness

Lately I've noticed that there have been a number of articles about the importance of self-care (Modern Mrs. Darcy's post was the one that really inspired me with its simplicity yet effectiveness)... which is coinciding with my resolution to do just that: to take care of myself. As the articles have stated, we've created an (almost) idol out of being busy. If we're not busy doing something, the word "lazy" gets added to the mix. For the longest time this used to bother me -- being called "lazy" -- because I felt it unfair. People who called me that didn't know me -- didn't know that I needed the break from whatever (school, work, etc) for my health (mental and/or physical) -- yet, because I wasn't "busy," I was obviously wasting time and being a freeloader. It wasn't until this month that I made the decision to let those judgmental thoughts slide and finally give myself some much-needed time off from everything. Really, it's going to be a two-month summer vacation (my first in years).

As many of you (who've known me for years) know, I helped take care of my dad during the 7 years he battled with cancer. From ages 17 to 24 all I did was go to school, work (I was a retail slave, no less), and/or take care of my dad. After my dad died, I still went to school. I literally took two months off before I returned to school. It took me 3 months to find freelance work after graduating from college and that's been what I've been doing since. Then I started that ill fated stint at Utah State for an intense Speech-Language Pathology program for nearly an entire academic year before I had to pull out due to declined health. Even in the middle of that, I managed to publish two novels, the second having come out only a month after I left Utah State. I pushed myself to what I thought was my limit and I messed up my health in the process.

My weight plummeted down to 113-114 lbs at my smallest, 4-5 lbs underweight. My iron levels were dismal (and I was still "slightly" anemic at my last blood draw in April) due to poor eating. Stress, anxiety, poor sleep, poor nutrition... this busy bee burned herself out. I was still trying to stay "productive busy" through earlier this month when I realized that I was not doing myself any favors by not taking a decent break. With grad school starting in late September, I knew I had to start taking better care of myself in preparation for it. I left my low-paying, high-stress freelance writing job earlier this month. I put my third novel on hold. These days I'm all about the self-care.

I'm still "busy"... but it's a busy that is necessary. I keep the apartment clean, vacuuming and dusting twice a week. I wash the dishes by hand. I check how my car is doing on oil and water as well as using a rag to clean off the dust the maintenance guys throw onto my car with their leaf blowers. I pray at least twice daily. I read books. I stay in the loop of the Catholic world by checking out the daily emails I get sent from places like the Catholic News Agency, ZENIT, and the National Catholic Register. I touch bases with friends via email and/or text message. I cook. I listen to music. I run errands. It's still a busy life... but nothing that is too stressful.

Most days my to-do list consists of:
- Morning prayers
- Rosary
- Examination of Conscience
- Nighttime prayers

That's it.

Of course, I sleep, eat, and take care of my personal hygiene. As I wrote in my Digital Burnout post, taking breaks from online activity has helped me. I installed the StayFocused app for my Chrome browser to keep myself off of sites like Twitter... though, in all honesty, it's currently disabled because I accidentally left the Twitter tab open when I went to eat, after replying to someone today, and the 10 minutes expired... and I needed it to post the link to this blog post on it. Yes, I will enable it again when I'm done posting the link to this post. I'm averaging less than 5 minutes on Twitter on the days I do log in for whatever reason (usually to reply to someone; I get the notifications sent to my inbox which is how I know someone sent me a message) and it's wonderful. Same with FB. All of this is done for my mental health and self-care.

I'm slowly working through my Warm Weather Bucket List, having modified it a bit to better suit my new self-care regime. I'm working on fixing my sleeping cycles, adopting an EST time frame since I'm up in the 4 a.m. hour (PST) to drive mom to work, which would be 7 am EST. That means not watching late night shows or movies to get proper sleep in. I'm exercising more (or trying to) and I'm eating healthier. I'm trying to learn how to make my own bread and rely less on store bought things that may not be as gentle on my stomach (I have horrible GERD/acid reflux). My weight is finally at a good, healthy place and has been consistent since about late April-early May. I'm trying to build up a "bag of self-care tricks" for when I do eventually become busy again (with school and work) to help me get through the worst, most stressful days. I'm looking at finding things I can do in 5-10 minute breaks when I'm super busy. I've even started a Pinterest board for ideas.

I'm afraid some of you with children and/or very busy lives may roll your eyes or be unhappy with this blog post. "I don't have that luxury," you may say. I'm sorry if that's the case. I'm not flaunting my self-given time off. The grass is not greener, folks. Sure, I have no husband or family to take care of but I do have a mother to help and a loneliness to battle against. All I'm saying is that it's okay to give yourself a break if you're able to do so. Hey, adult coloring books are selling like hot cakes on Amazon for a reason! Embrace the idea of a small break and take care of yourself. Self-care is not laziness. Idleness is terrible but so is failing to take care of the body God gave you. Think about it.

Anyway, just my two cents in something that seems to be a popular topic, and with good reason. I've seen enough of you lovely folks getting burnt out quickly as the summer progresses. Don't push yourselves too hard. Learn from my mistakes. Do me a favor and take 5 minutes out of your day to do something for yourself. Even if those 5 minutes is simply sitting on your couch or bed, closing your eyes, and listening to your favorite song while having a drink of your choice.

That's it for me for now. I really want to get started on one of the new puzzles I got at Target (four 1,000+ piece puzzles for under $7, score!). Self-care while keeping my mind busy before I switch to prayer and a book before an early bedtime. ;)

I hope y'all have a great start of week!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Digital Burnout

Image courtesy of Ashley Ella Design.

I don't think many people noticed but I was completely M.I.A. on Twitter a couple of days this week. I probably would've gone more days without tweeting except I got excited about Father (now Bishop-Elect) Barron coming to Los Angeles... and then I felt the need to defend myself against subsequent comments from others which made me feel attacked for welcoming him to my hometown. It was during this time that I realized just how burnt out I was on social media and on technology in general.

Having a job (freelance writing) that makes you rely on the internet (to receive, turn in, and research assignments) all day... having your entire degree online (as I did last year when I did a year at Utah State)... having most of your friends rely on social media to interact, all forced me (and, really, gave me) the excuse to be online more than I should have. When I realized that I was a lot more burnt out that I had first guessed, I made the decision to step away a couple of days a week and it's been great.

First, I've made it a mission to take better care of myself because I'd been neglecting myself for a long time. I recently quit my low-paying and increasingly stressful job as a freelance writer for a certain company... and I'm not looking for any work at the moment. I'm not doing anything but having a vacation from the busyness of life before grad school begins. I want to use the next two months to create habits that will help me during grad school and after. That includes fixing my sleeping schedule, eating better, finding what little things I can do during the day that make me relax when things get overwhelming, etc.

Second, I've cut my time both online and on the laptop/iPod considerably... and that time offline will increase through the next couple of weeks. The majority of my Biblical Theology program will be done online so I know I'll be relying on technology a lot. I'm grateful that there will be a couple of lectures/events I will have to drive down to JP Catholic for since it will give me more excuses to not get online. In order to help curve the temptation to waste time online, I charge my laptop during off-peak hours (I purposely found out what they were in my area) and if the laptop runs out of battery, it stays that way until the following day. Same with my iPod touch. It gets charged once a day. If it doesn't last through the night, it waits until the following day. If I don't use it much, I will physically be in a different room than the laptop, iPod, and cell phone.

I'll be honest and admit that I do still log into Facebook daily because most of my best friends are on there and it's the easiest way for us to communicate on our busiest days. Some days I play "FB chat tag" with a friend or two throughout the day because of how busy we can get. However, I don't spend hours on FB. I'll spend a couple of minutes (or, most of the time, less than a minute) a couple of times (3-4) during the day; it depends on how many comments / conversations I'm having. That equals less than 5 total minutes on most days or up to less than 15-20 minutes on my most active days. The decision I made to have under 30 people on my list has made the difference because no one on my list abuses FB... and no one on my list loves to instigate drama.

As for Twitter... there is a reason why I completely avoid it on some days. I like Twitter but just not as much as I used to. I noticed that a lot of my defensive/grumpy moments have happened because of something that originated on Twitter. Lately it just seemed worse than usual. Some people love to cause trouble. Other people feel like they are free to speak to you as if they know you well even if they don't (read: untactful buttinski types). A good portion of the time, miscommunication will cause unnecessary drama. I don't like drama. I dislike when people instigate arguments for kicks. Yes, I chose to be on Twitter and to reply to the comment... but I've always chosen to step away from it or even not reply to everyone on some days for the sake of my sanity.

At the time of my reversion, I took a break from the online world. It was one of the most spiritually fruitful times in my life. My focus was on my relationship with God, choosing to not listen to former friends who'd emotionally and mentally bullied me. They were not okay with my decision to walk away from their friendships -- which I saw as harmful to me. It was hard but it got me back on the right path. Having a similar experience lately, I decided to step away in baby steps and it's done wonders.

I'm sure I'm not the only one who's noticed the change. I've been feeling less stressed, less defensive, and less sassy/sarcastic. I'm less likely to be uncharitable in my thoughts and words. I'm more likely to be understanding and compassionate, to let things slide, and just smile. I feel like I did when I was in my early reversion days. The spiritual dryness I'd been experiencing has lessened considerably. Not having the online drama invade my thoughts when I log offline has done wonders for my spiritual life.

I've been doing the St. Anne novena along with one to the Immaculate Heart of Mary... in that order. Yes, I chose the heavenly mother and daughter tag team. ;) I feel a wonderful sense of peace and love when praying them, especially the latter. The St. Anne novena is for my vocation (though I'm asking for clarity of vocation not that it be a specific one). The one to the Immaculate Heart of Mary is for (as I mentioned in the last post) learning to fill that loneliness/emptiness gap I've felt with His love "as I know no human being will ever be able to fulfill it." I end up including the idea of a future husband and children in that last novena. "If my vocation is of wife and mother -- as I believe it is -- please let me be full of His love first... because I don't expect my future husband to fill something he can't. It wouldn't be fair to expect that from him. Instead, please let be so full of His love that I can reflect it unto my future fella and children." I'm not sure I would've had as much clarity if I had been worried about something that happened online.

I like how my life offline is shaping up. My communication with my mom is getting better and we're learning how to work with our differing temperaments better. I've learned a lot of things about her that have increased my respect and love for her; she's learned some things she didn't even know about me. I've been sleeping better. I'm less cranky throughout the day. I'm less anxious. I've been able to concentrate much better when I pray. Instead of having to constantly fight off random thoughts -- usually of whatever disagreement or drama stemmed from Twitter -- popping up during my time in prayer, I've been able to concentrate on (and even visualize) the words I'm praying. Life is good. :)

Anyway, I just wanted to share this because I've seen a number of you feeling burnt-out on social media but are scared of taking breaks from it out of fear of boredom, missing out, etc. Trust me, I was in the same boat but, man, all this time offline has been great for me and it's made me want to spend even less time online. If you're stressed, try a day or two offline per week at the beginning and gradually increase it. You'll notice a difference after a couple of days. I seriously recommend it. :D

Alright, that's it from me for now. I have a number of things to do offline (mostly read... and drink tea... and watch the 2005 version of Pride and Prejudice, the 2008 version of Sense and Sensibility, and the 2009 version of Emma; did I mention I'm big on self-care these days?) and want to get to them early so I can sleep early. ;)

I hope y'all are doing well. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D