Online Inauthenticity and Temptations

This past week, I got the chance to research and write about the internet's patron saint, St. Isidore of Seville, for EpicPew. Why? Why not?! As someone who has a serious love-hate relationship with several online things (especially social media), I thought it would be good to learn a little more about who the patron was and why he was the patron saint. I won't reiterate what I wrote but you can definitely check it out here.

One thing that has really struck me lately is the lack of authenticity and how caught up in it we are without really realizing it. I'm not immune to it. I try to be as real and open as possible on this blog but that doesn't mean I don't also go with the - let's say - more flattering pictures posted on social media. Am I really that vain or is it just a fear of the judgment? I'd say it's fear of judgment but perhaps it's both... and it's made me uncomfortable either way.

I usually don't take selfies very often. The picture I had on Twitter before I changed it this week was nearly 3 years old and the new one was taken when I cut my hair two days ago. Still, it felt inauthentic to me. I tried to counteract that with a series of videos (to friends) on the topic on social media in which I wore no makeup and hadn't brushed my hair. I promise I didn't look like a complete mess but I felt a bit better. I normally don't wear makeup and I have my hair up and away from my face.

That incident made me think about how I'm getting increasingly uncomfortable online. Sure, it's been a sort-of lifeline for me since it's what I use to communicate with friends these days. We're all so hyper-connected that, if it's not said on social media, it probably won't be said at all.

I'm a social introvert; I need socializing as much as I need my own solo time to recharge my batteries. With my friends having moved away from L.A. and/or living across the globe (my best friend lives in Italy), it's hard to try to get everyone together, face-to-face. I went 8 months without seeing a single one of my friends, remember? Without the use of social media, I would have a lonelier existence... but I still hate it.

I hate that we rely on social media so much. I hate that it's increasingly difficult to get together with friends -- even those who live within reasonable driving distance. I hate that I hate the online world because it usually affects me much more than I'd like to admit.

I'm an HSP; I absorb people's feelings and moods very easily. Not only that, the feelings will linger for hours or even through the end of the day. The smallest amount of negativity will ruin my day. What's the internet and social media famous for? The infighting, even amongst us Catholics. It makes it hard for me to shake off the bummer mood. Why do you think I read and write so much? It provides distractions and keeps my mind busy when I've had enough of the internet.

I may (thankfully!) not have the temptation to look at pornography, to seek out fights, to troll people, to do anything damaging... but the temptation to live my life online and to fall into the trap of only sharing the "best" side of myself is still a temptation I struggle with.

A couple of months ago (side note: this post has been in the drafts box since the second week of January) I read an open letter to Benedictine oblates on the internet and social media (which is worth a read!) and I saw this prayer that I've personally written out for myself to use because, let's face, we all face temptations every time we get online.

"O God, who hast taught us to make use of the things of this life as if we used them not (1 Cor 7), grant me wisdom and discernment in my use of the tools of knowledge and communication, for the form of this world is passing away (ibid.). Set a watch, O Lord, before my mouth (Ps 140); preserve thou my mind from aimless curiosity; turn away my eyes from beholding vanity, and pierce thou my flesh with thy fear (Ps 118). Chasten thou all my discourse, lest any word of mine bring harm to me or to my neighbour. Make my heart like unto a fortified city, that filled with thy loving mercy, I may praise thee with pure lips: Holy, Holy, Holy, Lord God Almighty, who was, and is, and is to come (Apoc 4), who in perfect Trinity livest and reignest, throughout all ages of ages. Amen.

Holy Mary, Virgin most prudent, pray for us.
Ye holy Angels, save us from spiritual harm.
Holy Abbot Benedict, teach us silence.
Holy Doctor Isidore, keep us from falsehood.
All ye saints of God, intercede for us."

How about y'all? Do any of you feel like you're in the same or a similar boat? Has anyone found ways to combat all of this negativity we encounter online, especially social media? (side note: even limiting who I follow on social media doesn't always help). Is it possible to find a good balance between the online and offline worlds that lasts for more than a couple of days? If so, please let me know because I feel seriously burnt out these days.

Anyway, I hope y'all had a good work week and that you have a lovely weekend. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless! :D

What Self-Care Looks Like (July 2016)

I know I've written about self-care before (and more than once) but I thought I'd give y'all an update on how that's going to keep myself accountable to what is and isn't working.

What is Working

• Learning more about introversion and being a highly sensitive person (HSP). I've been reading a couple of books on introversion (most notably Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that Can't Stop Talking by Susan Cain and The Irresistible Introvert: Harness the Power of Quiet Charisma in a Loud World by Michaela Chung) as well as some articles on HSP that have helped embrace who I am and what works for me. Quiet has helped me understand what introversion is and what it isn't while The Irresistible Introvert (which is more like a memoir with tips on what's worked for the author) has given me ideas on how to best manage stressful (to introverts) situations. So far the latter has been highlighted, annotated, and been the most useful to me since I learn best from personal experiences. My anxiety and stress levels are at an all-time low thanks to the new techniques (as well as some I've picked up from implementing some mindfulness into my everyday routines).
• Embracing change. There have been a lot of changes lately (you can go back to last month's blog posts to see some example) and I've been able to accept them because I think I've finally learned to let go and let God guide me. Change doesn't make me uncomfortable but not knowing what's going to happen in the future has been a trigger for my anxiety attacks in the past. Now? I'm trusting God and am letting things come as they may without any long term plans in place. I have goals but no concrete plans as to how it'll happen. I'm re-learning to be more flexible which is something I was actually good at before the PTSD became a part of my life. I've also made some much needed changes in how I do things. For example, after reading both The Irresistible Introvert and an article on how multitasking actually depletes your mental energy, I've tried to do one thing at a time instead of trying to do several things at once. Right now I'm blogging without any music or the TV on in the background; I'm focused on this one single thing. While this is a small change for me, it's really helped my energy levels and mental sharpness.
• Taking screen-free breaks. As I've mentioned before, I've noticed how much better I feel and how much more (mentally and physically) energized I am when I'm not glued to a screen. I've taken a couple of screen-free breaks throughout the week. I let my friends (with whom I communicate the most often on social media and/or text) know ahead of time so they don't think I'm ignoring them. It's done wonders for my mental health; I can't recommend it enough.
• Drinking more water. Alright, 'fess up... who else has trouble drinking the recommended amount of water? After my bladder/kidney infection in late June-early July, I've been making an effort to drink more water. I try to aim for at least six 8 oz glasses per day and most days I'm able to reach that goal. Sometimes I fail on the six glasses but I do drink more than 16 oz of chamomile tea (for heartburn) or eat watermelon fruit bars (like popsicles but made out of actual fruit) so that helps keep me a little more hydrated. Added bonus: if I start off my day with at least 8-16 oz of water, I have a bit more energy during the day.
• Taking guilty pleasure breaks. If I feel myself getting stressed what do I do? Take a "guilty pleasure break." "What's that?" you may ask. It means that I'll do something that I enjoy for at least half an hour per day. It could be reading a book or watching a TV show that I'd be slightly embarrassed to admit that I read or watch but that makes me happy. If you're curious, let's just say it's usually aimed at a teen audience. Shh! lol.

What Isn't Working

• Not getting enough sleep. I've been averaging 4-6 hours most nights in the past couple of weeks. At first it was because the fever and infection weren't letting me sleep. Then the maintenance guys were here almost every day for about three straight weeks, not allowing me to sleep. Now it's just become a bad habit that I need to break before classes begin at the end of this month. This means sacrificing certain activities (such as reading one more chapter of a book or watching one more episode of a show I'm hooked on) but it'll be worth it for my health. I try to aim for 6-7.5 hours because I've noticed that that is what works best for me and my mental sharpness.
• Not listening to what food my body craves. I won't sugar coat it -- I've been eating lousy (yet delicious) food lately. My diet has consisted of a lot of fast, greasy foods which is why my heartburn has been terrible lately. When I see certain foods, my (literal) gut reaction is "ugh, no more" but sometimes it's all that's available so I eat it... and then suffer the consequences. I've also not eaten at times because we run out of food and I can't get to a grocery store because it's too hot outside (and I had no working a/c in my car for most of the summer thus far). With my stomach as sensitive as it has been lately, I'm going to make a list of which fruits and vegetables work (in terms of the acidity my stomach can handle and which foods I'm not allergic to) so I can incorporate more of them into my diet.
  
• Not attending confession or Mass for the past 5 weeks. Yes, I know, that's a mortal sin. I have my excuses but it still doesn't feel right. Not only that but not going to confession has had the unfortunate consequence of bad habits popping up again. Since I'm no longer sick like I was early last month, the Sand Fire is no longer an issue (we were advised to stay home because of the air quality being poor and our parish is only a couple of miles from where it was), and since the heat wave we had (which peaked at around 115 degrees or so and left me indoors for 2 straight weeks) is over, I no longer have any excuses. This past weekend was the first on which we could attend Mass without the lack of a/c being a factor (since it was fixed) but both my mom and I didn't feel well enough to attend Mass (she had painful arthritis that not even painkillers helped with and I had a stomach issue which seems to have peaked yesterday). I was kind of miffed that I couldn't attend this weekend after waiting for so long but I'm going to make sure I eat healthier so I don't have a repeat of this weekend. You guys don't know how much I've been wanting to go to both confession and Mass. We've even tried (and failed) to go during the week. It's a yearning at this point. I'm determined to make things right this weekend. Prayers that we're able to go to both, please?

Anyone (that I know offline) want to keep me accountable for any of the three things that I need to work in this month? I give you my permission to get on my case if needed. I'm serious.

That's it for now. I have the house to myself for only 2 more hours so I want to enjoy the silence and the slow pace while I still can. I love my mom but living with an uber-extroverted personality isn't easy when you're an introvert. I need to recharge my energy battery while I still can. :)

I hope y'all are having a lovely start of week!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Cutting the Outside Noise

I had a sort of "screen-free" two day break in which texts went unanswered and there was no activity from me on either Facebook or Twitter. I got the idea after re-reading a novel I'm now going to call my guilty pleasure. What I didn't expect was a very eye-opening (are we sick of that buzzword yet?) experience. Well, just the latest one because I've been having so many of them lately.

During my screen-free break, I worked on my family tree (and ended up discovering the names of my 4th and 5th great-grandparents from the late 1700s!) After I was done with that, I just felt like taking a trip down memory lane and it ended up being the best decision I've made in recent months.

I ended up reconnecting with, well, I'll say an "old friend" during a trip down memory lane. For years (yes, years) I've felt like there have been a few things that have been "off." Every time I felt like I was "myself" once again, something threw me for a loop and I ended up back to square one. I've been dealing with anger, impatience, frustration, and a general feeling of disconnect. I've felt it since my father's death. I can pinpoint most of it to that event. Enter my "old friend."

The conversation went something like this:
Me: I miss the old me.
O.F.: What do you mean?
Me: Do you remember what I used to be like when I was like 19-20? What words would you have used to describe me back then?
O.F.: Hmm... dreamy, romantic, a dreamer... thoughtful, gentle, emotional, deep, and very sensitive.
Me: But I'm so different now. I'm nothing like that.
O.F.: You can get that part of yourself back. She's in there... you just need to cut out all the outside noise. (pause, after I started internalizing things.) That dreamy, idealistic girl... she's not gone, she's just hiding.

It dawned on me that I was letting a lot of the "outside noise" alter me without really realizing. I mean, I've sort of realized that lately (and I think you can see some of that in my latest blog posts) but it didn't really hit me just how much until tonight.

I seriously considered shutting down this blog as well as my social media accounts for a split second. The last time I "cut all the noise" was when I was able to be myself without censoring myself or being fearful of what others said to and thought about me. For those of you who've read the first novel I wrote (When Two Worlds Collide), let's just say that was talked about at the end of Chapter 17 actually happened to me. That year or so that I was off social media and it was really hard to get a hold of me? Bliss. Of course, I cut out more than the online noise in those days. My "friends" then were terrible. The friends I have now are super lovely so I can't really go off and disappear like I did last time. I'm quite determined to do a modified version of what I was forced to do back then... only this time it's more voluntary and being done for my own good.

I think accepting the fact that I'm a highly sensitive person and that I do need to cut some of the outside noise that has been causing some inner turmoil has given me the courage to say "okay, I know I thrive when I can just do my thing and cut out all the outside noise (side note: 'sup, new buzzword?) so I'm just going to go for it."

I know I often say that I'm going to limit my time online and that lasts for only a couple of weeks but now I sort of have my old friend to keep me accountable... and hopefully a little busy. Yes, I remember what I used to do back then; how I didn't need the internet or social media.

Do you ever feel like your life has come full circle with a lot of things? It's the 10th anniversary since my reversion. I went through a lot of illnesses/health scares a month ago. A lot of that felt like deja vu to summer of 2006. Now, with the old friend, it feels like I'm getting a second chance to get that right as well. It's almost like I'm getting a second chance to do a lot of things differently so I can finally move on from this plateau I've been stuck on for the past decade. Maybe I'm being silly or I'm reading too much into it but it does feel like God is saying "take everything you've learned and keep moving forward. It's time."

Anyway, it's almost midnight and I have my prayers to get through so I should go. :) If y'all can please say a prayer for me, I'd greatly appreciate it. Let's just say that tomorrow I'm going to face yet another thing that had a major impact in my life when I was younger and I'm going to need both a lot of courage and charity to get through the next two days or so. Thank you in advance!

I hope y'all are having a lovely start of the week. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

When the Dam Burst, I Was Honest with Myself

This past week was incredibly eye opening and revolutionary for me. While in earlier weeks I had been dealing with physical illnesses, this week it was all about emotional turmoil and spiritual dryness.

It happens every year around the anniversary of my father's death. I start feeling a bit apathetic, a little depressed, and a little anxious. It didn't help that I felt like people were dumping all of their problems on me and then disappearing once they "deposited" their problems into the human vault that is me. It's an unfortunate pattern with me; many friends only touch base when they need to unload and then I don't hear from them again until they need another round of venting.

After being physically drained from the dehydration, infection, and the consequent side effects of the medication, I wanted a little break. I wasn't going to get it with July 11th (anniversary of my father's death) coming up but I wasn't expecting to get overwhelmed with everything else that happened. Between the dumping of problems, various other comments about me and others (read: gossip), and feeling, well, almost bullied into doing things I had no desire to do, it's amazing I didn't have a full blown panic attack.

The dam burst around Thursday/Friday. I sobbed. I vented my own frustrations to my poor mother who had to deal with a daughter who was fed up. "I'm tired of people judging me," I cried. "I'm tired of being pushed into doing what I don't want to do. I'm tired of people make snide comments. I'm tired of..." the list went on. She let me cry because she knows I occasionally need to emotional release when I'm overwhelmed by others' problems. Does this happen often? No, but it happens more often than I'd care for.

After I let all that pent up frustration out I did something I had been working up the courage to do: I was honest when someone upset me. I started doing it even before I read this article on Introvert, Dear. Instead of just bottling it up or pretending I was okay, I told whoever upset me that I wasn't happy. "I'm upset right now... let's take a break from this conversation," was my mantra this weekend. The reactions were varied. Some chose a very passive-aggressive route. (Thanks for helping me identify it, all those psychology courses I took as an undergrad!) Thankfully, I have incredibly understanding people in my life. It became quite clear who I could count and whom I couldn't. I only talked to two friends this entire weekend -- both incredibly patient and supportive guy friends whom I trust implicitly. I took a break from most things until I got my thoughts and emotions sorted out.

A beautiful thing happened during this time: my spiritual dryness lessened considerably and my eyes were opened. As I immersed myself in prayer after feeling somewhat apathetic for weeks, I began seeing that certain situations had been pulling me away from God and my prayer life. A number of things I have to go to confession for came as a result of these situations. The worst in me was being pulled out by certain friendships. When I took a breather and really saw what was my fault and what I couldn't take "credit" for, a peace settled in me. Furthermore, I saw which friendships brought out the best in me; which challenged me to become a holier and more humble version of myself, one who was more aligned with the kind of woman I'd like to be. With perfect timing, the chaplet of St. Michael Archangel I'd custom ordered from Allison arrived when I had this breakthrough. Well played, God. Well played.

Even though most of us are out of college (and then some), there are a couple of things that don't ever go away as we get older; things we think will die in college. Recognizing that we occasionally need to look at our friendships and be honest with ourselves is something I periodically do but it's never easy. You develop a camaraderie with people who may lead you down the wrong path or whom may be all wrong for you. I'm still learning that it's okay to say "I appreciate what they've done for me but it isn't a healthy friendship for either of us" (because I DO take into consideration what I bring into the friendship for the other person). I'm learning to not feel guilty for realizing that it's actually an act of charity (to myself) to do something for myself; something that will help keep me on the right path towards holiness.

I have a massive mountain to climb in the next couple of weeks, but I'll keep my beloved Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati's words in mind: "Verso l'alto." I must remember that I'm striving towards something that will be hard to obtain yet eternally rewarding: Heaven and sainthood. I can't do that on the path I've been on lately and it's going to take a lot of emotional suffering (on my side) to make things right. Well, the path to Heaven is not easy one but one I'll gladly suffer through to reach the destination.

That's it from me for now. I hope the temperatures go down a bit so I can make the last Mass of the day. I hate missing Mass so fingers crossed. In the meantime, I'll go read a book. :)

I hope y'all had a lovely weekend. :)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Life as a Highly Sensitive Catholic

When I was a little girl, my teachers would tell my parents that I was highly sensitive; I would cry easier than other kids. It was looked down upon as a flaw. They thought it was low self-esteem. They thought I was too coddled by my parents. This continued as I got older. Doctors would say I was just a really anxious person who didn't know how to handle too much stress at a time. Then I found out something revolutionary thanks to Anne of Mrs. Modern Darcy: I'm actually considered a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP).

For all of you who don't want to read through all the articles: being a HSP means that I am more sensitive to both emotional and physical stimulation. Loud noises, extreme temperatures, even the effects of medications -- I feel them a lot more intensely than most other people. It wasn't something I picked up growing up; I was just born with this trait.

I'm empathetic to the point of tears when I see someone suffering even in the littlest way, which is why I had to leave social media (for the night) a couple of days ago when all the shooting chaos began. I can't sit through any violent scenes or even listen to intense fighting. I faint easily in hot weather (heat sensitivity) if I'm not cool enough. Medication side effects are stronger than I'd like. (side note: last ER visit when I felt like I was going to faint? Antibiotics were so strong that it caused that feeling and it increased my anxiety about 3-fold for 72 hours after my last dose. Anxiety has been gone after I hit the 72 hour mark though my stomach still feels like I have a brick in it.)

After reading about the 16 Habits of HSP, as well as the 12 Things a HSP Needs, I didn't feel quite so alone or odd. However, it didn't hit some just how much I struggled with this label until I read the article on how a young woman learned to love herself as a HSP. This article hit home because, despite being aware that HSP was a real thing (my childhood doctor even confirmed it a couple of years ago; I do have a very sensitive body that can't handle certain medications nor caffeine), I still struggled with accepting and even loving this part of myself.

I've always felt like it was more of a flaw than an asset, one that I couldn't "fix" and that was looked down upon by most other people (especially doctors). After the past week in which I spent 6 out of 7 days in the hospital, it became even worse; I couldn't pray or feel like I could do much. I've recently began on my own journey in trying to learn to love this side of myself but I know I still have a long, long way to go.

Now, let's talk about being a HSP who is also Catholic. I love, love, love the smell of incense... but when it's too strong (or too close to where I'm sitting), I get lightheaded, nauseous, and a headache will pop up. I don't like clapping at Mass. I don't like Spanish Masses because of the music (usually involving a guitar and drums or Mariachi). I like my Masses solemn. I don't mind babies crying or babbling during Mass because I love babies so that doesn't bother me. Altar wine can be too strong for me at times.

I think being a HSP is why I quickly fell in love with wearing mantillas/chapel veils; it helps me focus solely on the Mass. Because the veil literally blocks my surrounding views and gives me a bit of "tunnel vision" in which my eyes will be focused on the altar or on the missalette, it helps me not get too distracted by what other parishioners are doing during Mass.

Lent? I can't make it through reenactments of the Stations of the Cross. I actually almost fainted the first time I watched The Passion of the Christ in one of my Religious Studies courses as an undergrad. I had to look away, something I knew my other classmates took notice of (there were less than 10 of us in that class; only 3 Religious Studies majors in my class).

The Rosary? I couldn't make it through the Sorrowful Mysteries without being a blubbering mess the first couple of years after my reversion. Though I still occasionally cry, it's nowhere near as bad as it used to be. I also don't like noise while I pray because I can get easily distracted and then overwhelmed. It's not fun. lol.

I felt like sharing this because I don't think it's talked about enough. Being a highly sensitive person isn't bad (and I'm going to keep repeating that to myself); it just means that we can get overstimulated more easily than other people. If 15-20% of the population is considered a HSP, then I know I'm not alone. :) If you're wondering if you're a highly sensitive person, you can take a self-test here.

Alright, I should go do something productive with my day. :)

I hope y'all are having a good weekend thus far. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D